Author Topic: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[  (Read 8062 times)

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Offline tr0pica1rain

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WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« on: Tue May 01, 2007 - 17:46:02 »
I have a problem.. that is kind of like masturbation.. but not..? Like I don't touch myself, but I do give into fantasies and sexual thoughts.

I am 18 and have never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, etc. and I am craving IMMENSELY the physical affection of a male. I know I'm young, but I'm afraid I'm never going to get married, because I've never had a boyfriend.

And there is this guy I like (who has a girlfriend, by the way.. and that makes me feel worse), that when I think about him hugging or kissing me.. well it feels nice, so I think about it a lot. And then it sometimes my thoughts keep going, and I think more sexual thoughts.. but I try to stop them and return them to just kissing, etc. But I know it is wrong, because I feel convicted, but I don't want to stop.. and I know how selfish I am and I've prayed for Him to give me the Holy Spirit to stop me, but it's not happening.

And I'm okay for awhile, if I don't see the guy I like, but when I see him, that day I start getting the thoughts about him and I always give into them. It happened today. I was okay for about a week when I didn't talk to him, but today I did and .. I fell again. And it lasted for about half an hour.. probably a little more. And while I'm thinking it I am praying and confessing, but then I continue, and I pray knowing I'm going to continue. I'm such a sinner and I feel so condemned and that God isn't going to forgive me because I keep doing it willfully. But all I want is a guy to love me and touch me (not like that really.. just kissing, hugging, touching my face, looking into my eyes).. It's so hard.

I don't know what to do and I can't do this anymore. And I can't just be like "don't ever talk to me" just because he makes me think sinful thoughts, because I don't want him to know that I think about him like that..

I know there must be a deeper root to my problem, too. I know I have extremely low self-esteem and other problems. I know that. But what do I do? I feel so condemned. And I shouldn't, because I have accepted Jesus as my savior, but I do feel that way.

And I want to stop thinking these things because I know it's wrong and I don't want to feel guilty or far from God but at the same time I don't want to stop at all. I'm struggling really badly today and the thing is I don't want to stop and it scares me.

Help me please!!

Offline annita

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #1 on: Tue May 01, 2007 - 23:06:59 »
Tr0pica1rain,

First let me say that what you feel is not sinful. God put those feelings in you when He made women and men to be sexual beings. It's a good thing!

But, like so many things, it's about timing. I've been in your shoes and pray that you have more strength then I to wait until that time is right. Sex can and should be a very beautiful thing that you share with the right man.

You might want to find an accountability partner--an older woman in your church you respect (I'd say mid 30s to early 40s for your situation. Call her, talk to her about this, have her pray with you and help you focus on what your life holds for you now.

Of course, if you just can't control it, Paul said it's "better to marry than to burn with passion" without a way to release it.

But remember, God put that desire in you...not the devil.

Offline janine

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #2 on: Tue May 01, 2007 - 23:45:50 »
You certainly cannot take the Biblical "flee from temptation" advice literally here -- if you make sure you never see that man again you can still always fantasize about him.  ANd you could just end up fixated on another man anyway.

Even if you went to be a nun in a cloistered convent you'd still have your own mind and desires to contend with.

As has been said, the mere drives, the feelings and longings and whatnot, that's normal.  I much prefer that God made us that way to continue the race, than some other way.  Like, some other life forms use seasons for mating and cycles ruled by uncontrollable levels of hormones and behaviors that would be rape if people did them.

So I will take "the hots" any day.

Think of this: if you are one who has studied and thought about masturbation as a useful thing, it may be a tool to consider.

If you have not thought it out, if you are ambivalent about whether or not it's sinful, then I would certainly say don't go there until you've studied it out.

It's better to marry than to burn, it's true -- but don't do anything hasty there either.  Marriage is supposed to be lifelong, and will probably last longer than "the hots".

There are mental tricks that might help you not to think so obsessively about the guy -- when you do, you can snap a rubber band worn like a bracelet.  That little pop of pain against your inner wrist every time you start to indulge might "retrain" your mind a little.

I also suggest getting plenty of exercise, tire yourself out.  And cold showers.  The same advice I'd give to some teen boy prisoner of the gonads, I'd give to you.

Offline annita

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #3 on: Wed May 02, 2007 - 09:09:38 »
I certainly don't mean to pile on to what Janine said--I agree with her. But I wanted to also suggest that if you do masterbate to watch yourself that you do not become "addicted" to it. If you do you may lose the ability to climax from joining with your future husband (your finger can move a lot faster than his lower body if you know what I mean).

So use it as a tool to "get you by" but as I said earlier, if you are burning with passion, it is going to be very difficult if not impossible to save your virginity for marriage IF you wait a long time to consider marriage. If I were you, I'd assess myself now to see how ready I am for marriage and if you think you're ready then start looking for a husband. I know that might sound unusual for this day and time...but then again, in this day and time being a virgin when you marry is unusual. So forget about "this day and time" and do what's right for you!

Offline tr0pica1rain

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #4 on: Wed May 02, 2007 - 11:44:52 »
I can't even get a boyfriend. lol. I don't know who is going to marry me. I've prayed for God to change the desires of my heart if they're not what He wants but it hasn't happened.
Regarding masturbation.. I don't know about that.. I can't seem to be able to develop an opinion about it yet.
I will definitely try to start exercising though... it sounds like a good idea.

Btw thanks to both of you =]

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #4 on: Wed May 02, 2007 - 11:44:52 »



Offline janine

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #5 on: Thu May 03, 2007 - 06:57:34 »
I can just imagine wanderers through the 'Net-ether-sphere, accidentally alighting here, and gasping with shock that two people told you to consider masturbation -- with caution, with forethought, with study and prayer even about what it might mean for you, individually --

But still, I can imagine that hypothetical person reading this, with eyes bugging out and a shocked gasp, saying "But I thought this was a Christian website!"

Hee hee.

And if you were to "get addicted" -- the same way someone might "get addicted' to overeating, or stupid-high levels of shopping, or anything else.--

Well, you don't want to set yourself up for that sort of trap.

Only you know if you've demonstrated a pattern in yourself of unwise leaning on "crutches" that way.

And don't put out a personal ad like "Oversexed Christian virgin eager to marry".  You wouldn't want what was likely to crawl out of the woodwork if you did.

Offline starla

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #6 on: Tue May 08, 2007 - 23:24:48 »
I can't even get a boyfriend. lol. I don't know who is going to marry me. I've prayed for God to change the desires of my heart if they're not what He wants but it hasn't happened.
Regarding masturbation.. I don't know about that.. I can't seem to be able to develop an opinion about it yet.
I will definitely try to start exercising though... it sounds like a good idea.

Btw thanks to both of you =]

Regarding masturbation said tr0pica1rain

1Corinthians chapter6 verse20: For ye are bought which a price:therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit,which are God's.

The question is how are you going to glorify God thru masturbation ::whistle::

Offline annita

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #7 on: Wed May 09, 2007 - 17:48:03 »
Starla,

I guess you could say that about a lot of things. Like...

Using the bathroom!
Chewing gum.
Blowing your nose.
Playing sports.
Reading a comic book.
Going to a movie.
Listening to regular (non Christian) music.
Painting your toe nails.
Buying a car.
Eating ice cream.
Burping.
Paying the cable bill.
Vacuuming.
Styling your hair.
Driving your car.
Need I go on?

Just because it is not a specific, intended act of worship does not make it sinful. Read the Bible and you'll find that the righteous people mentioned within its pages also had normal lives where they relaxed, played games, cleaned house, burped, had dessert, etc.

Offline janine

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #8 on: Wed May 09, 2007 - 23:11:48 »
I can imagine it could glorify God by distracting and comforting a distressed woman in such a way that she doesn't fall into the arms of some narsty dog-man.

Offline ann

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #9 on: Tue Jun 26, 2007 - 10:21:19 »
I agree with all the posts above.  I never know how to reconcile masterbation. Is it or is it not a sin.  I cannot make my own mind up on this.  It is one of those grey areas that is not talked about anywhere so am very pleased you were brave enough to post it here.
You are not sinful at all of having feelings for other men whether they are in a relationship or not. What would be sinful if you had sex with another man who is in a relationship. If I was being tough it be whether you had sex before marriage....but am confused about that too as masterbation is in a way sex and that be sex before marriage for those of us who are single and that is why I think it a very grey area.  Perhaps it is good that some ministers and priests are now women and those of us who are brave enough can bring these issues out in the open a bit more.  You are not alone for worrying about this at all.  Thank you for being so brave to post it here. ::smile::

Offline ashleygurl

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #10 on: Mon Aug 06, 2007 - 08:31:39 »
I agree with all the posts above.  I never know how to reconcile masterbation. Is it or is it not a sin.  I cannot make my own mind up on this.  It is one of those grey areas that is not talked about anywhere so am very pleased you were brave enough to post it here.
You are not sinful at all of having feelings for other men whether they are in a relationship or not. What would be sinful if you had sex with another man who is in a relationship. If I was being tough it be whether you had sex before marriage....but am confused about that too as masterbation is in a way sex and that be sex before marriage for those of us who are single and that is why I think it a very grey area.  Perhaps it is good that some ministers and priests are now women and those of us who are brave enough can bring these issues out in the open a bit more.  You are not alone for worrying about this at all.  Thank you for being so brave to post it here. ::smile::



I know for me and several of my friends this area of masturbation has been difficult. We have talked on it a bit in our small group and do think it can be sinful. Those of us who are single sometimes  need a release which I hope does not sound horrible. I know this are for me is a battle right now. I am 24 and want to stay pure now that I am a Christian. Some days are more difficult than others.

Offline ashleygurl

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #11 on: Tue Aug 07, 2007 - 11:05:08 »
I was hoping that this conversation would continue, but understand that it can be embarassing for some. I think the problem that our small group (a ladies only group) discussed was the thoughts that go along with it. Someone on this thread talked about it becoming addictive and I do have to agree with that comment.

Offline janine

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #12 on: Wed Aug 08, 2007 - 06:38:32 »
Wandering thoughts here -- then off to work --

I dunno how I feel about "addiction".  To anything.  As a process, I mean.

Like, take alcohol for example.

Nothing wrong with a bottle of wine.  It's a thing.

Scripture doesn't say anything against drinking alcohol, as such.  There were times and places where you would not drink it -- like, if you were living as a Nazerite.  Then you were dedicated not to even touch a raisin or a grape leaf, as I understand it.

Scripture does come out against drunkenness.

And even that isn't so much a "take the drunk out and stone him" reaction, more a "look at that pitiful sinner, he's useless for the Lord and even to himself like that".

We think "addiction" and we mentally divorce the idea of the addicted one from the idea of fault, blame.  He's helpless, he's addicted, it's a sickness, poor thing.

Well, fine, if so, but it's a sickness he brought on himself by crossing into sinful territory under his own power.

He took a neutral thing -- even a good thing, something God created -- and abused himself with it.

So it is his fault he's addicted now, and there was sin along the way, and part of his healing needs to be acknowledgment of that process.

Sorry to take such a detour --

But after that, I come back around to this: if, if masturbation is a sin, then how is it a sin?

Some people who hold that it is sinful don't have any good reason why they think so.

Some people who do have some reasons, cite Scripture to support their position -- and I'm glad they do -- but they misunderstand or misapply the passages they cite.

I'll need better than than before they can convince me that masturbation, any more than taking a bath, any more than crossing the street, any more than an innocent bottle of wine, is sinful, in and of itself.

Could sin enter into masturbation?

Sure!

Could sin enter into shopping or singing or making a cheese dip?

Sure!

We are masters at finding new ways, new frameworks, within which to sin.  IMO that's a by-product of God allowing us Free Will.  Sin will happen.

What are we gonna do about it?

Might occasional masturbation be a good thing, if it helps a woman who feels she is unhealthily wandering around every day -- erm -- "charged up"? 

I do know that I am more likely to think things I should not about situations or strange men if I am -- uh -- fully charged.

Since I have a husband in the picture, with no health problems or job-related separation, masturbation doesn't normally enter my picture.

But I definitely understand how it could.

And I have a lot of trouble seeing it as possibly addictive -- but that it less because of physical phenomena that go along with masturbation,  like release of pleasant hormones and stuff, and more because of the funny way I view addiction, I suppose.

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #13 on: Sat Sep 29, 2007 - 20:25:56 »
i'm very new to christianity so i don't really know a whole lot about what the bible says about sex, etc, but i will share with you my thoughts anyway :)

i don't think it's wrong of you to crave emotional or phsycial affection from males. god put men and women here together on this planet the intention for us to desire and crave each other - that's how procreaction works and babies get made and the human race survives. i actually think god may feel a little insulted if we didn't admire the beauty of the male species! because males are beautiful, just like everyone god created and it's very normal for you to be awestruck by them. men are fascinated with women, just as women are with men. the electricity between the opposite sex is a beautiful magical thing, i believe. so no, i don't think you are a bad person or doing anything that would be considered highly sinful. it's hard wired into you as a human to feel this longing for the opposite sex.

i think that once you meet someone you feel genuine love for and you both make the decision to spend your lives together, get married, start a family, etc, then there is nothing wrong with showing your intense bond with that person, on an emotional or a physical level. i'm not sure what the bible says about pre-marital sex, but i think if you love the person and they love you and you are in a relationship and have made a commitment to one another, then it's only natural to desire them.

i hope i don't offend anyone but i don't think it's very good for your soul or emotions to have one night stands or sleep with people you don't genuinely love, but i think there is nothing wrong with sex with someone you are planning to commit your life to :)

so yes, just my two cents worth.


Offline janine

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #14 on: Sun Sep 30, 2007 - 01:03:55 »
When you throw actual sexual intercourse into the discussion, the fact that it's done with someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with may make that physical coming-together {all possible puns intended} the actual commitment point / wedding!.

That is, some of us do not see a wedding ceremony as the official beginning of a marriage -- not in the sense that somehow the State or the Church has the power to decide poof! you're married or bam! you're divorced.  Not in a sacramental sense, that gives you a power or blessing from the wedding ceremony and then the marriage, as if the Church's orchestration thereof imparts a blessing the was the apostles' aprons and napkins did.

But we have several threads you can research on the topic -- exactly what starts a marriage, what benefits come from it, is it a covenant?  A sacrament?  Is it of God or Man or both?

The point I want to take from the idea is that, while different people will have different ideas about exactly when a couple IS married, from what point they are one flesh... I think most of us will still come down on the side that a couple does NEED to be married before they indulge in "one-flesh" behavior.

Thus, I bet folks can find a mountain of Scripture to stand on to state that yes, there is sin in the picture when people who do not belong to each other indulge in sexual intercourse.

Is it the end of the world as we know it? Just because sex-related sin is maybe the biggest of all, does that mean God cannot forgive His repentant children when they go there?  'Course not.

It's simply better, and wiser, and less of an opportunity for sin to enter in, to keep the sex for the marriage bed.  (Whatever constitutes a marriage bed in your {historical} time and {geographical} place.)

As for the masturbation -- it will remain a touchy subject.  {Again, every possible pun gleefully intended.}  Probably most of us, even if we disagree about exactly when and where sin enters the masturbation picture, I bet most of us can agree that the subject is filled with possibilities, potentials  for sin.  But then I bet most of us can agree that desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures.

So, there won't be any sort of final consensus on the topic, not any time soon.  All I can say is, if you have found sin coming into your life in this sensual realm of masturbation, you need to run away from it.  Just as you would run screaming away from a sin-stronghold of any kind. 

Offline Racheka

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #15 on: Mon Nov 19, 2007 - 04:29:15 »
I have no great words of advice, but just wanted to say that I can really identify with your struggles. I too long (with everything I have sometimes) for someone to love me and acknowledge me. It can be overpowering!! I'm a Christian though too and am learning from past mistakes and moving forward. But still... it can be very easy to idolise someone and put them first in everything if you know what I mean!=)
Praying for you =) ::smile::

Offline IamStefanie

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #16 on: Sat Jun 25, 2011 - 19:53:07 »
I have a problem.. that is kind of like masturbation.. but not..? Like I don't touch myself, but I do give into fantasies and sexual thoughts.

I am 18 and have never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, etc. and I am craving IMMENSELY the physical affection of a male. I know I'm young, but I'm afraid I'm never going to get married, because I've never had a boyfriend.

And there is this guy I like (who has a girlfriend, by the way.. and that makes me feel worse), that when I think about him hugging or kissing me.. well it feels nice, so I think about it a lot. And then it sometimes my thoughts keep going, and I think more sexual thoughts.. but I try to stop them and return them to just kissing, etc. But I know it is wrong, because I feel convicted, but I don't want to stop.. and I know how selfish I am and I've prayed for Him to give me the Holy Spirit to stop me, but it's not happening.

And I'm okay for awhile, if I don't see the guy I like, but when I see him, that day I start getting the thoughts about him and I always give into them. It happened today. I was okay for about a week when I didn't talk to him, but today I did and .. I fell again. And it lasted for about half an hour.. probably a little more. And while I'm thinking it I am praying and confessing, but then I continue, and I pray knowing I'm going to continue. I'm such a sinner and I feel so condemned and that God isn't going to forgive me because I keep doing it willfully. But all I want is a guy to love me and touch me (not like that really.. just kissing, hugging, touching my face, looking into my eyes).. It's so hard.

I don't know what to do and I can't do this anymore. And I can't just be like "don't ever talk to me" just because he makes me think sinful thoughts, because I don't want him to know that I think about him like that..

I know there must be a deeper root to my problem, too. I know I have extremely low self-esteem and other problems. I know that. But what do I do? I feel so condemned. And I shouldn't, because I have accepted Jesus as my savior, but I do feel that way.

And I want to stop thinking these things because I know it's wrong and I don't want to feel guilty or far from God but at the same time I don't want to stop at all. I'm struggling really badly today and the thing is I don't want to stop and it scares me.

Help me please!!

1. Dear, you are NOT condemmed. I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that.
2. Just because you have not had a boyfriend by the age of 18 does not mean you won't get married. You are quite young, if God sees, it you have time :-).
3. If you can stay away from this guy, do that. But if you can't, just keep it moving. Keep the converations short with him. Continue to seek God. I know I'm saved by God's grace and I have changed; but I still have plenty of sexual thoughts and the m word is an issue too. I don't know if its a sin or not. But I know I rather do that any day than giving my body to a man who is not my husband (laughing...btw, I don't encourage the m word, I'm just letting you know how I do things).
4. To reiterate, God loves you. He knows you and knows what you are going through. Continue to seek Him, but honest with Him, keep yourself busy with friends.


Offline Tiamiyux

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Re: WOMEN ONLY - help please =[
« Reply #17 on: Sat Oct 01, 2011 - 02:48:04 »
As humans, it is normal to feel that way. However, what you think of affect your actions. Get busy reading bible and books that would help you. This will help free your mind