I have a problem.. that is kind of like masturbation.. but not..? Like I don't touch myself, but I do give into fantasies and sexual thoughts.
I am 18 and have never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, etc. and I am craving IMMENSELY the physical affection of a male. I know I'm young, but I'm afraid I'm never going to get married, because I've never had a boyfriend.
And there is this guy I like (who has a girlfriend, by the way.. and that makes me feel worse), that when I think about him hugging or kissing me.. well it feels nice, so I think about it a lot. And then it sometimes my thoughts keep going, and I think more sexual thoughts.. but I try to stop them and return them to just kissing, etc. But I know it is wrong, because I feel convicted, but I don't want to stop.. and I know how selfish I am and I've prayed for Him to give me the Holy Spirit to stop me, but it's not happening.
And I'm okay for awhile, if I don't see the guy I like, but when I see him, that day I start getting the thoughts about him and I always give into them. It happened today. I was okay for about a week when I didn't talk to him, but today I did and .. I fell again. And it lasted for about half an hour.. probably a little more. And while I'm thinking it I am praying and confessing, but then I continue, and I pray knowing I'm going to continue. I'm such a sinner and I feel so condemned and that God isn't going to forgive me because I keep doing it willfully. But all I want is a guy to love me and touch me (not like that really.. just kissing, hugging, touching my face, looking into my eyes).. It's so hard.
I don't know what to do and I can't do this anymore. And I can't just be like "don't ever talk to me" just because he makes me think sinful thoughts, because I don't want him to know that I think about him like that..
I know there must be a deeper root to my problem, too. I know I have extremely low self-esteem and other problems. I know that. But what do I do? I feel so condemned. And I shouldn't, because I have accepted Jesus as my savior, but I do feel that way.
And I want to stop thinking these things because I know it's wrong and I don't want to feel guilty or far from God but at the same time I don't want to stop at all. I'm struggling really badly today and the thing is I don't want to stop and it scares me.
Help me please!!
1. Dear, you are NOT condemmed. I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that.
2. Just because you have not had a boyfriend by the age of 18 does not mean you won't get married. You are quite young, if God sees, it you have time :-).
3. If you can stay away from this guy, do that. But if you can't, just keep it moving. Keep the converations short with him. Continue to seek God. I know I'm saved by God's grace and I have changed; but I still have plenty of sexual thoughts and the m word is an issue too. I don't know if its a sin or not. But I know I rather do that any day than giving my body to a man who is not my husband (laughing...btw, I don't encourage the m word, I'm just letting you know how I do things).
4. To reiterate, God loves you. He knows you and knows what you are going through. Continue to seek Him, but honest with Him, keep yourself busy with friends.