Author Topic: Aggressive Down's advice  (Read 2387 times)

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Offline marie69

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Aggressive Down's advice
« on: Tue Feb 16, 2010 - 22:37:28 »
I am needing advice on a recent situation that has occurred. I have a wonderful friend who has a Down's syndrome child. He is pretty high functioning, sweet and funny. He is actually my friend's stepson but his real mom is no longer in the picture so she is pretty much Mom to him. He is 16 years old but his mind is about at a 5 year old level. My friend has told me that she has noticed he has discovered his body changing and has asked questions. She has done a marvelous job with him since marrying his dad 7 years ago.
Here's my issue. I have a daughter who is 11 and is starting to go through some changes in her body. She doesn't have a disability. She has been around my friend's son for the past 7 years so she doesn't really remember a time when he wasn't a part of our lives. They have always played together and gotten along really well. But recently we were all together with several of our friends and their kids and my friend's son became very aggressive in a sexual manner with my daughter. My friend was in the same room but didn't say anything to her son. My mom was there also and wound up literally having to pull him off my daughter. I was in the other room at the time and was not aware of what happened until later. My mom told me later that evening that he had tackled my daughter several times and knocked her to the ground and was trying to put his hands in her shirt. My daughter kept asking her to stop but he just laughed because he thought they were just playing. My mom said she became concerned when she realized my daughter's expression changed from playful to fearful and the third time he tackled her he wouldn't get off of her and began to "hump" her. This is when my mom had to pull him off. My daughter was scared to death. The worst part is that my friend was in the room with them when all this was happening and became angry with my mom for what she did. She told my mom he was just playing and didn't even know what he had done wrong.
I know my mom just acted out of concern. I would have done the same thing because my daughter was crying & asked him repeatedly to get off of her. It wasn't long after the incident that my friend & her son left. That's when my mom told me what happened & several of our other friends had seen it also and were concerned about how my friend handled it since we all have kids, and mostly girls of all ages.
My husband did not see the incident either but was in on the discussion with my mom & our other friends. He is angry and has told me that he doesn't want my friend to be invited to anything else. When we got home that evening, my daughter talked to us about it and was crying saying she was scared of him now. She couldn't understand why all these years he had been so sweet and now he acted the way he did.
My friend is very upset with my mom. She called me a few days later to tell me what my mom had done but made it sound like my mom had been abusive in her actions of pulling him off my daughter. Even our other friends had told me that my mom was more gentle with him than they would have been if it had been their daughter.  Not to be graphic, but they have all told me that he was "humping" her hard enough to hurt her. My husband is furious and doesn't want anything to do with my friend or her son anymore. My mom is mad that my friend didn't do anything when this happened. And my friend is mad at mom for putting her hands on her son. Arrrggg! I'm in the middle.
I truly believe he didn't know what he was doing when he did that. He's got the hormone rush of a 16 year old boy but he doesn't understand it or understand the rights and wrongs of acting on his impulses. At the same time, I am now afraid to have him around my daughter. He is ten times stronger than her and could really hurt her without even meaning to. Not to mention, how far will my friend let him act on his impulses before she realizes that he is not "harmless" as she keeps telling me.
I need some advice from a parent of a Down's syndrome child or someone who has a friend of a Down's syndrome child. I don't even know what to say to my friend. When I tried to talk to her, she became very defensive and insists that he is harmless because he doesn't even know what he is doing. I'm so sad that our long term friendship is changing so drastically, especially over a child who is so special in God's eyes. Please help!

son of God

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Re: Aggressive Down's advice
« Reply #1 on: Wed Feb 17, 2010 - 01:36:48 »
I have a down's son.

The lad does not know what he is doing, but knows that it is his desires driving him.  This is NOT innocence.  

The lad does these things because he has learned them.  It is not natural for a lad to do this, Down's or not.

When this behavior happens, it shows that he has been raised very improperly.  He is merely manifesting that which he as been taught or he has seen evidenced.  

This doesn't necessarily mean really bad things.  The lad could have seen man with mom being initmate some years before, and has never forgetten them, and now the hormones are way too much for him to cope with in his state.  Thus the actions are in the same vein.

And so many consider that they downies are stupid, and so they watch all sorts of vile, violent and sexual things on videos or TV, and the downie considers this to be acceptable behavior, even after initially being revolted by it.  The emotions and passions exhibited in such content is way beyond the child's coping, and they crash and burn emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. 

This is actually true for all children who see this sort of stuff, either on the screen or in real life, but downies are at a disadvantage it seems, but I also seriously wonder if they aren't: it's just their different scenario which reveals it at a different time in their life and it a different way that typical, as in meaning more aggressively or overtly.

Downies (And that is NOT a derogatory term), have an incredible memory, ESPECIALLY for emotional things.  And if he saw this happening, whether it was wanted by the woman or not, on the screen or in real life, he would have picked up fully on the emotional aspect of it.  It will be with him for a long, long time, unless God changes him in it.  I have worked with adult downies over the years, starting about 24 years ago.  These emotional type of things that are powerful and suddenly presented to them will stick with them beyond our imagining.  And it can pop out in the most incredible ways or times.  Kind of like the thread on "kids say the darndest things".  And downies are kids in some ways for their whole life.  We all know this, I think.

But when I see that type of behavior in a person, Downie or not, I know that they have been exposed to it and it has been fostered in them.  

It steams me.  And I'm sure that God takes it much more passionately that I do!

But in the mean while, there's this big problem.

His parents need to get right in his face and be on it in every aspect, meaing not just this behavior and these types of thoughts, but every aspect of his thoughts and emotions and behaviors need to be supervised and monitored spiritually and proactively within him.  There is no other way for this child to get a grip on it.

He must have tough, completely thorough and encompassing directing, discipline, and guidance.  This was gravely lacking for this to occur within him.

It's just that downies aren't as good at hiding these things as most people are, so the fruit that falls close to the tree can be seen more readily in the right circumstances than with the typical person.

So unless he is suddenly and radically raise quite differently, from what I've seen over the years in many downies of all ages, he is going to be way more than they can handle, and it only gets worse as he gets older.  Downies can be very, very devious and tricky, especially in these things.  When they have their mind set on something, well, I'm sure that you know by now that it's a tough row to how in trying to get them from it.

Hoping the best for him and all concerned,


PS  One of the things that few realize, and it shocks them to hear it, is that downies, when older, can be the most sadistic, perverted and aggressive people you can imagine.  And very many downies, even the really nice and gentle ones, have an incredible temper.  Most learn what buttons to actively avoid so that they aren't triggered.  But wow!  Can they go off the handle.  They will try to kill they get so mad.  And some of them knowing use this to manipulate people.

Stuff like cleaning feces off of all the bathroom walls and everything in the bathroom (public bathroom with many stalls!) because they were mad and want to get back at you for making them mad or not giving in to what they want, is Sunday school picnic stuff for the downines that haven't been raised prudently.

It's a tough battle raising them.

And it's been a point of strong contention between my wife and I, as she has had no experience wtih adult downies.  Now, after almost 10 yeaers with our downy son, she is beginning to see the fruit of my way of raising him, and the problems that she has created in her insisting on some of her ways.  Now she as fully come around to agreeing with me, and we have corrected most of the problems that were created.  But it's a long, hard road.  And we are fully aware that with our son, we will most likely always have him.  At least we won't have to deal with "empty nest syndrome"!  
« Last Edit: Wed Feb 17, 2010 - 01:49:22 by son of God »