I am new to this forum.  I am terrified and shamed that I have let my life come to this.  I am terrified that I have lost my salvation and may burn in hell.  I accepted Jesus at 17 years old when after dabbling in drugs, alcohol and premarital sex, I became deathly ill from the diet pills I was taking.  I developed crippling panic attacks and at that time back in the late 70's nobody had a clue that panic disorder exsisted.  I not only was very weak and sick from the drugs but I had a serious eating disorder; Bulimea.  I gutted it out on my own and somehow with Gods grace, graduated from high school.  I was so sick that my mom, who had been very active in the Catholic church, took me to a prayer meeting and I accepted Christ out of fear of dying and going to hell.  My panic attacks and poor health plagued me for years.  I went back to drinking because of them and married an alcoholic who cheated on me even before we got married!  I caught him in bed with the woman he picked up from a bar.  I was so broken as a person, I married him out of fear and the feeling nobody would want me anyway.  I got pregnant a month before I married him and quit drinking and never returned to it.  He quit for a short time but the day I had my daughter, he was so drunk, he passed out in the delivery room.  This went on until one night, he came home in a black out drunk and I tried to get him into the bathroom because he was vomiting.  He started hitting me and I was fighting him back to get him into the bathroom and he beat me black and blue and threw the babys cradle at me and nearly killed my baby girl.  I went to my parents and they helped me leave him and get a divorce.  I moved out and filed divorce.  He didnt' want the divorce and went to work drunk and got fired. I was 22 years old.  I soon met antother man who I dated and begged him to marry me because again, I was scared and having horrible panic attacks and feeling very shamed about having prmarital sex.  He married me against his familys wishes and I went back into another marriage where my husband was a serious alcholic.  I got pregnant again and my husband accused me of sleeping around and that my daughter was not his.  I was so in love with him that this was impossible.  He then told me that he could never be a Christian because he LUSTED after other women.  I was crushed and begged him to love me.  Instead he would stay out all night and not return until the next day.  He was driving so drunk that he hit 2 ladies head on and I had been praying for him all night, by Gods grace, they all walked away but he went to jail.  He was givin a defered sentance and ordered to stay sover.  He did for a couple of years but becme suicidal and threated to hang himself in the garage for my 2 daughters and I to find.  I cried out to the Lord and went to a church where they told me I could not divorce him and to stay until he recieved salvation and work it out.  My heart grew bitter and I left him and filed divorce.  I met antother man and had an affiir but the wome at my church convinced me to get back with him.  I was filled with hate for this man and went back and had son.  I turned to God but was miseralbe.  The same thing started happening again.  He started drinking and not coming home until the wee hours of the morning.  I started going out to bars but never drinking.  I started flirting with other men and had an affair with a man for years.  I never had intercourse but everything short of that.  After 10 years with this man I finally filed for divorce.  One night I got al call from my ex brother in law and my ex husband was found dead.  WHe had put his truck in the garage and turned it on asphyxiating himself to death.  My daughter was 10.  That was the most horrible thing in my life.  The guilt was horrible.  I had to deal with the estate because my daughter was the only living hier.  MI decided not to divorce my husband at that time because what my kids were going through and afer a year we were in the same boat of himd drinking.  One evening he told me he was going to our old apartment to clean it.  I was suspicious becuase he was acting strange.  I gave it a half hour and sure enoughhe was inside of the neighbors house, a singe woman who was a big drinker and she answered the door all red faced.  The wer both red faced and I realized he was with her.  I filed again for divorce and never looked back.  The divorce was so bad that he drug me throufh a custody battle.  I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a mental hospital because of my panic attacks.  Nobody but my parents and my new guy friend knew about it.  I was dating this guy and did not love him whatsoever but knew I could not take care of myelf or my kids and he told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me.  I said no.  He told me it I didn't he would leave me in that horrible state and never come back.  I was so freaked out I agreed and was just devestated I married hik  He was alot older and I could not touch him without my skin crawling.  I felt it was my punishment for being so sinful.  It took me 4 years to pull myself together and I went for counceling.  I met a great person who helfped me through my panic attacks and I started to get well.  My health got pretty bd though and my husband was becoming horribly abusive to me and my kids.  He would throw things and break them and his mouth was filthy and vile.  He was also a 3 degree marshal arts instructoer and he was scary.  I filed for divorce and He begged me not to.  I met another man and maried him.  I thought this was it.  He professed to be a born again christian and we had a son when I was 40.  Not only did he turn ut to be an alcoholic.  I caught him cheating on me.  I seperated and went to couceling and took him back.  He did it again and then threatened to slice me up into peices and see me dead and rot in hell.  I had another nervous breakdown.  It's taken me  a few years to get back to normal.  I have been utterly broken and filled with guilt.  I turned my entire life over to my Lord Jesu Christ and cried out to himto forgive me and save me. I hve made more mistakes than anyone.  Am I beyond Gods grace at this point.  I knew what I ws doing was sinful.  I could see no way out.   After 5 years of being divorced, I want to marry my boyfriend who has accepted Christ and has been baptised.  We both want to serve Jesuss but I feel like I would be in error to marry and feel so devestated about my past.  I have read so much that I am more confused because my circujmstance is so confusing.  Who am I legaly bound to in Gods eyes.  The first husband is dead.  The second claimed he lusted after other women and could not be a christian. I had a nervous breakdown and married the 4th out of sheer fear.  The 4th cheated on me and he admitted it  calling it a "crime of opportunity."  What can I do?  I am embarrassed to even have anyone read this but am desperate for answers.    Deb Sorry about all the typos but my computer will not let me go back and do spellcheck.

    

I am sooo grateful you are here with us    Thank you for being so brave in sharing!

Try to take a deep breath, come on in and join us and, meanwhile know that I have started praying for you and your familly.

You are going to be alright...I mean that with all my heart.  I ususally don't promote my writings but may I encourage you to read my devotionals both in the "general discussion" thread and in the "Theology" thread?  I think you might find some comfort there as I have had a difficult journey, also....and I understand 

People are kind here...so please do join us 

Debra
You are truly and totally forgiven by God, There is nothing so bad that He will not forgive. If you have come back to Him then you are washed clean.No doubt about that.
As for wanting to marry again I don't know. How long have you known your boyfriend?
I think you and your boyfriend need to see the pastor and have long term counselling before you even think of marriage.You need godly advice and direction. You have had 4 disastrous marriages and haven't had long to heal and allow God to sort you out. Give yourself space and time to allow God to change you and heal you and work in you before you even think of marrying anyone again. You really can survive alone, at least for the time being.

Do go and speak to one of the leaders in your church or the pastor.I really think it maybe detrimental for you to marry at this point. get to know God and Him alone for a while. You would take all of this baggage into the marriage with you. Really pray and ask God what HE wants and wait for Him to clearly show you. Be prepared that He may not want you to marry, at least not yet. God does restore to us all that we have lost believe me, He has done it in my life and he can do it in yours.
God Bless

The more I write here, the more I look like the loser I am.  Just a bit of history about me.  I grew up an ugly duckling and was tormented and called things like Debi dog.  I did not even look like a girl until much later, actually I developed around 18 because I had the eating disorder.  God healed me of that and within 6 months I blossomed into a voluptuous young woman.  Not a good thing either.  All of a sudden, guys were at me non stop.  My self esteem was a negative and thats probably why I felt I deserved such abusers and losers myself.  I felt the need to be punished.   My mom who is a christian now use to call me names like heathen, SOB, hateful, and the list goes on.  My dad was very loving but worked sometimes 2 jobs and was a very shy private man so I could never talk to him.  I just sort of muddled my way through.  Not trying to be proud or boastful, I became a beautiful woman and was told I looked like Michelle Pfifer or Healther Locklear.  I even did some modeling and was in the beauty industry.  I never felt beautiful and always felt ashamed.  It was not until recently, I looked at how pretty I was and for years was blinded by shame and self loathing.  The beauty has faded and my health is not the best, but the beauty I want to build is the beauty people see because of what Jesus Christ has done in me and through me. 

Dear Chosenone, Thank you for the wise councel.  I will get into speak with the pastor of the church that I have been attending.  I trust his wisdom.  He was raised in a Solid Jewish Home and became a born again spirit filled Christian.  I will prepare myself for either remaining single or getting married.  I want what pleases the Lord.  This is a step in and of itself because I still lightly cringe when I think of giving up the hope of having a loving marriage partner and having to be alone until I die.  I need to get over it.  It's just very sad because for the first time in my life, I am thinking clearly.  I know who I am and WHOS I am.  Before I was totally lost and defeated.

 Whatever happens God had a GREAT future for you and it may well include marrying.I cant see why he wouldn't want you to marry the right man, but then I am not God, so I cant say.lol
 He loves you so much.
When my first marriage ended, I was only 43. I hated the thought that I may be alone for the rest of my life, but with the shortage of available Christian guys of that sort of age, it was a real possibility. However God had other ideas and he found me an amazing godly man 6 years later and we are so happy 4 years after marrying.
Whatever God has for you it will be GOOD. You have a new life with Him.Your old life is gone.
I hope that the marriage will happen, but just make sure it is what God wants.

Hello Deb
     I'm a guy maybe a little older---the "babe' is for homeruns--- So here's one for you.
     Four "failed" marriages but only one problem.  It always was a lie that you were not beautiful, precious, and loved by God.  In turning to Christ you made a choice that can lead you to all truth, including the elusive idea of your place of love in the Lord's eyes.
    Yes, we all need repentance, and being proud does not beautify anyone.  It takes  time for God to bring us to understand, but stay faithful that He will.  And keep an eye out for His love.
    There are some really beautiful Christian songs that will help in a case like this-----which certainly is a very, very common story:

What are the real names of these songs---I don't know, I just enjoy them.  Anybody want to help out with better info???

    "He loved me ere I knew Him, and all my love is to Him"  something like washed in the blood of the Lamb 

    "they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength" Isa. 40.31

Jesus knew the life of the woman at the well, and spoke to her with kindness. . . . and she had had 5 husbands and was with yet a man who was not her husband.

Here's how I look at it, any little scripture by itself can be misused if you don't pay attention to context and subject.  And in the case of divorce of course that's not the first thing anyone would want.  And if there's a situation where there are kids and someone has left the marriage wrongly of course there's a crying need for healing the rift rather than going on and complicating the situation.  But Paul said let the unbelieving spouse depart, the believer is not bound in such a case.  From your account I see no one in your past who has any present interest or belief who could give you the respect you need for a marriage.  It says a lot that you are not just in a rush to go forward.

I think there's a lot of wisdom behind the advice you've been given here to give  time for the old nature and problem to die away in your new life.  To get yourself in tune with a true faith and true sense of your worth and of the value the Lord places on you.  Marriage is not easy for anyone, and a balanced sense of self esteem and humility is truely needed.

But this guy who's been trying to respect you for years now, and who is wanting to follow Christ too. . . . .  and who's been there for you. . . . doesn't he love you a lot???

I dunno.. . . . .maybe this is something you can go forward with. . . . .

But you let the Lord lead you, not a man.  OK?

Put yourself in His hands.  Maybe that would mean entirely. . . . . and not to "use" another man because. . . . .well, you don't know how to stand.

Here, I am a man, and from a man's point of view I wouldn't wanna be a crutch.  someday you're gonna walk.  And will do that walking with the Lord.

And not just to please any of us.

The one thing I see going through all your story is that you never(yet) believed you could walk or stand.    And there's One and only One who can really heal you.  But you're still looking for others to validate a decision here. . . .and still not really respecting your ability to just do what the Lord would direct you by His gentle and loving leading, the voice you can hear within your heart in full righteousness. 

God Bless!!!

are you sure you have repented?Because true repentance is not just turning away from sin but truly trusting in Jesus his forgivness already won for you. A REPENTANT HEART IS A HEART AT PEACE Knowing Jesus loves you and has forgiven you. UNTIL YOU Trust in Jesus his forgivness won for you his love for you . You are not repentant.

Next a repent heart wants to thank Jesus for what he has done . So this time do the marriage thing right out of thanks to Jesus .
Find a bible believing church you and your fiance should go to church and take marriage counciling all while living apart and as Christ wants before marriage.  Read Gods word DAILY because you have some very worthwhile life lessons you can share with young people in a christian way .
all what i am telling you is what the fruits of repentance is all about.

Jesus loves you.  You have already been forgiven believe it.
www.whataboutjesus.com