Christian Forums and Message Board

Bad Advice Only (Author : admin) Someone presents you with a problem, you give them bad advice and then you present your own problem. The next poster will present their bad advice.

example:

Q. I stubbed my toe, how can I get it to stop hurting?

A. Hit it with a hammer until you damage the nerves and the pain stops. Then you'll feel better.


OK, here's the first problem, can you give me some advice?

I accidentally crashed into my neighbors car and did a lot of damage. What should I do?

 

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Reply #1 by twd Cut down your neighbor's tree so it falls on the car to cover up what you did.

I have acute appendicitis, what should I do?

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Reply #2 by James Rondon Take a hot bath, then lay on the heating pad... Whatever you do, don't go to the hospital!

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My clothes are all getting too tight. What should I do?

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Reply #3 by Nevertheless Throw them away and go naked.  After all, the weather is warming up!

My computer locks up every time I use the GCM web site.  What should I do?

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Reply #4 by Jimbob Format the disk and install Windows 3.1.


The trash needs to be taken out, but I don't any more room in the cans, what should I do?

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Reply #5 by Nevertheless Put it in your car and drive down the freeway.  Every time you pass a cop throw a big handful out the window.


My dog sleeps all the time.  What should I do?

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Reply #6 by twd Wake him up!  Give him caffeneited beverages.

The oil light is on in my car.  What should I do?

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Reply #7 by marc Well that's obvious.  Cover it with black tape.  That's what my sister does when her engine light comes on.

I have to go to a wedding in a few minutes, and I hate weddings.  What should I do?

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Reply #8 by Dennis Wear your bathing suit and flip flops -- then no one else will invite you.

My dog has allergies.   What should I do?

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Reply #9 by marc (actually, with this wedding, that wouldn't matter.  It's in their front yard, and the dress will be extremely casual.)

Shave him, so his own fur won't make him sneeze, then roll him in flour and corn flakes.  Corn Flakes are good for whatever ails you.

I want to go on vacation, but I don't have the money.  What should I do?

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Reply #10 by Dennis Sign up for one of those crerdit card ads you get all the time and then charge everything.

My achilles tendon hurts, what should I do?

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Reply #11 by twd Smash your thumb with a hammer.  That will make you forget all about your tendon.

There are dandelions in my yard.  What should I do?

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Reply #12 by Bon Voyage Plant some marijuana among the dandelions.  Trust me, folks will forget about the dandelions.

I have trouble with my wife spending my money.  What should I do?

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Reply #13 by Jimbob Talk to twd about a job selling his...er...dandelions.


My child needs potty training.  Any suggestions?

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Reply #14 by marc Sign your child up for a boot camp in the desert.  It's time for him/her to grow up. 

I'm having trouble sleeping at night.  Does anyone know what I can do for that?

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Reply #15 by admin Take one of those sleeping pills with side effects that include dry mouth, vomiting, headache, nausea, constipation, irritability, failure to clot, blindness, athletes foot and gingivitis.

I feel like I deserve a BIG raise at work. What should I do?

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Reply #16 by Jimbob Throw a tantrum about how they underappreciate you, then pretend to shred important documents as you "quit"...maybe they'll make you an incredible offer to stay.


My neighbor's dog thinks of my yard as his bathroom.  How should I approach the neighbor?

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Reply #17 by OldDad Bag up the evidence of the dogs "activity" put the bag on the neighbors porch, light the bag on fire, ring the doorbell, and run away to hide and watch.  Lots-o-laughs!


My wife gets mad when I don't call if I'm going to be late getting home.  What do you suggest

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Reply #18 by marc Have your phone disconnected.  Sounds to me like it only causes problems, anyway.

The picture on my cable is fuzzy, and the company won't do anything about it.  What should I do?

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Reply #19 by Jimbob

Bag up the evidence of the dogs "activity" put the bag on the neighbors porch, light the bag on fire, ring the doorbell, and run away to hide and watch.  Lots-o-laughs!

Don't think I haven't considered it...but the Spirit won out.

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Reply #20 by Jimbob

Have your phone disconnected.  Sounds to me like it only causes problems, anyway.

The picture on my cable is fuzzy, and the company won't do anything about it.  What should I do?

Suscribe to their premium package so they can use the extra income to upgrade your connection.


The package of beef says it's three days past the sell by, what do you think?

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Reply #21 by James Rondon Reset your electronic calendars to three days earlier, and dig in!

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My toilet keeps running... What do I do?

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Reply #22 by marc Shut off your water and start using an outhouse.  It's good enough for us hillbillies, so it should be good enough for everyone.  That fancy indoor plumbing's for rich people who can afford full-time handymen.

As a public service, I will also include advice to JMG3rd, typed while James was typing:  Those sell-by dates are nothing but propaganda from the meat industry encouraging people to throw out perfectly good beef and buy more.  It's documented that the banana industry used to do the same thing back in the fifties, by telling people that a brown spot on a banana peel meant that the banana was no longer edible.  Fight the power.  Eat the meat.  So what if it's a little green?  My old nutrition teacher said the more colors on your plate the better.

I'm guest-teaching an adult VBS class at a strange church Monday night.  Any advice?

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Reply #23 by James Rondon Show up naked... Then they'll think you're strange, too.

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I need to find a cake for my son's birthday... Any Advice?

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Reply #24 by marc Soap is pretty cheap, and it's sold in cakes.  Buy a cake, put it in the microwave just long enough to soften it, and put a candle in the middle.

About the subject matter for my VBS class:  I've been assigned the topic "How do we Know the Bible is From God?"  I've studied for weeks and have extensive research and notes, but I was wondering if anyone had anything to add that I might forget to include?

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Reply #25 by James Rondon Bring BH along to help answer questions.

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I'm really tired, but have a ton of stuff to do... Any advice?

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Reply #26 by twd That's what cocaine is for.

I need to mow my yard, but am feeling too lazy.  What should I do?

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Reply #27 by Jimbob Put a sign at the curb what a snotty remark about how you're "going natural" or "testing organic gardening methods".


My aunt has a full beard.  How do I tell her to shave it?

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Reply #28 by Dennis Give her a Mach 3 and a can of edge with a card on which you print in bold letters "hint hint"

I drink too much diet coke.  What do I do?

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Reply #29 by marc Switch to regular Coke.  Then you won't have to worry about artificial sweeteners killing you.

I'm falling asleep because I only got three hours last night, but I still have to finish the bulletin.  What should I do?

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Reply #30 by Jimbob Paste this week's date on last weeks (most of the men won't notice it's not up to date anyway).


As his lane ended into a merge with mine a guy today decided to try to nudge me into oncoming traffic (no joke).  What should I have done?

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Reply #31 by marc There are several possible options, but all the best ones involve an Uzi, a hand grenade, and a bucket of pickle juice.

I can't believe you can edit these posts after nine years.

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Reply #32 by twd Recycle an old bulletin.  No one will notice.

College loans for my kids add up.  What should I do?

( I notice an hour later that I got bitten by not paying attention to the page)

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Reply #33 by Follower the Heaven Bound If you are faced with a waterfall, do you go back, or forth? Up or down?

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Reply #34 by Dennis Personally, I would go to the nearest side.

My grass needs mowing, what do I do?

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