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Specifics and Interests => Videos, Forwards, Jokes and Games => Topic started by: admin on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 11:15:02

Title: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 11:15:02
Someone presents you with a problem, you give them bad advice and then you present your own problem. The next poster will present their bad advice.

example:

Q. I stubbed my toe, how can I get it to stop hurting?

A. Hit it with a hammer until you damage the nerves and the pain stops. Then you'll feel better.


OK, here's the first problem, can you give me some advice?

I accidentally crashed into my neighbors car and did a lot of damage. What should I do?

 ::pondering::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 12:35:15
Cut down your neighbor's tree so it falls on the car to cover up what you did.

I have acute appendicitis, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 13:10:19
Take a hot bath, then lay on the heating pad... Whatever you do, don't go to the hospital!

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My clothes are all getting too tight. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 13:32:25
Throw them away and go naked.  After all, the weather is warming up!

My computer locks up every time I use the GCM web site.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 13:55:46
Format the disk and install Windows 3.1.


The trash needs to be taken out, but I don't any more room in the cans, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 14:06:46
Put it in your car and drive down the freeway.  Every time you pass a cop throw a big handful out the window.


My dog sleeps all the time.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 14:55:18
Wake him up!  Give him caffeneited beverages.

The oil light is on in my car.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 15:17:50
Well that's obvious.  Cover it with black tape.  That's what my sister does when her engine light comes on.

I have to go to a wedding in a few minutes, and I hate weddings.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 15:25:37
Wear your bathing suit and flip flops -- then no one else will invite you.

My dog has allergies.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 15:27:39
(actually, with this wedding, that wouldn't matter.  It's in their front yard, and the dress will be extremely casual.)

Shave him, so his own fur won't make him sneeze, then roll him in flour and corn flakes.  Corn Flakes are good for whatever ails you.

I want to go on vacation, but I don't have the money.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 15:33:31
Sign up for one of those crerdit card ads you get all the time and then charge everything.

My achilles tendon hurts, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 15:41:15
Smash your thumb with a hammer.  That will make you forget all about your tendon.

There are dandelions in my yard.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 15:43:32
Plant some marijuana among the dandelions.  Trust me, folks will forget about the dandelions.

I have trouble with my wife spending my money.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 16:38:41
Talk to twd about a job selling his...er...dandelions.


My child needs potty training.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 16:48:00
Sign your child up for a boot camp in the desert.  It's time for him/her to grow up. 

I'm having trouble sleeping at night.  Does anyone know what I can do for that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 16:57:11
Take one of those sleeping pills with side effects that include dry mouth, vomiting, headache, nausea, constipation, irritability, failure to clot, blindness, athletes foot and gingivitis.

I feel like I deserve a BIG raise at work. What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 17:00:03
Throw a tantrum about how they underappreciate you, then pretend to shred important documents as you "quit"...maybe they'll make you an incredible offer to stay.


My neighbor's dog thinks of my yard as his bathroom.  How should I approach the neighbor?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 17:03:26
Bag up the evidence of the dogs "activity" put the bag on the neighbors porch, light the bag on fire, ring the doorbell, and run away to hide and watch.  Lots-o-laughs!


My wife gets mad when I don't call if I'm going to be late getting home.  What do you suggest
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 17:05:10
Have your phone disconnected.  Sounds to me like it only causes problems, anyway.

The picture on my cable is fuzzy, and the company won't do anything about it.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 17:44:20
Bag up the evidence of the dogs "activity" put the bag on the neighbors porch, light the bag on fire, ring the doorbell, and run away to hide and watch.  Lots-o-laughs!
Don't think I haven't considered it...but the Spirit won out. ::smile::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 17:45:39
Have your phone disconnected.  Sounds to me like it only causes problems, anyway.

The picture on my cable is fuzzy, and the company won't do anything about it.  What should I do?
Suscribe to their premium package so they can use the extra income to upgrade your connection.


The package of beef says it's three days past the sell by, what do you think?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 18:07:23
Reset your electronic calendars to three days earlier, and dig in!

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My toilet keeps running... What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 18:10:23
Shut off your water and start using an outhouse.  It's good enough for us hillbillies, so it should be good enough for everyone.  That fancy indoor plumbing's for rich people who can afford full-time handymen.

As a public service, I will also include advice to JMG3rd, typed while James was typing:  Those sell-by dates are nothing but propaganda from the meat industry encouraging people to throw out perfectly good beef and buy more.  It's documented that the banana industry used to do the same thing back in the fifties, by telling people that a brown spot on a banana peel meant that the banana was no longer edible.  Fight the power.  Eat the meat.  So what if it's a little green?  My old nutrition teacher said the more colors on your plate the better.

I'm guest-teaching an adult VBS class at a strange church Monday night.  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 18:14:00
Show up naked... Then they'll think you're strange, too.

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I need to find a cake for my son's birthday... Any Advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 18:21:07
Soap is pretty cheap, and it's sold in cakes.  Buy a cake, put it in the microwave just long enough to soften it, and put a candle in the middle.

About the subject matter for my VBS class:  I've been assigned the topic "How do we Know the Bible is From God?"  I've studied for weeks and have extensive research and notes, but I was wondering if anyone had anything to add that I might forget to include?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 18:27:27
Bring BH along to help answer questions.

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I'm really tired, but have a ton of stuff to do... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 18:55:22
That's what cocaine is for.

I need to mow my yard, but am feeling too lazy.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 19:00:35
Put a sign at the curb what a snotty remark about how you're "going natural" or "testing organic gardening methods".


My aunt has a full beard.  How do I tell her to shave it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 19:40:57
Give her a Mach 3 and a can of edge with a card on which you print in bold letters "hint hint"

I drink too much diet coke.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 20:01:37
Switch to regular Coke.  Then you won't have to worry about artificial sweeteners killing you.

I'm falling asleep because I only got three hours last night, but I still have to finish the bulletin.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 20:06:10
Paste this week's date on last weeks (most of the men won't notice it's not up to date anyway).


As his lane ended into a merge with mine a guy today decided to try to nudge me into oncoming traffic (no joke).  What should I have done?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 20:39:05
There are several possible options, but all the best ones involve an Uzi, a hand grenade, and a bucket of pickle juice.

I can't believe you can edit these posts after nine years.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 21:00:35
Recycle an old bulletin.  No one will notice.

College loans for my kids add up.  What should I do?

( ::doh:: I notice an hour later that I got bitten by not paying attention to the page)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 21:13:43
If you are faced with a waterfall, do you go back, or forth? Up or down?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 22:20:06
Personally, I would go to the nearest side.

My grass needs mowing, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 23:01:41
Buy a sheep.

My MIL is coming to visit.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 23:04:29
Move and leave no forwarding address

I need to come up with an appropriate 30th anniversary present for my wife.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 23:34:44
Get her a new vacuum.  Women absolutely love anniversery vacuums.

I'm having a problem going poo poo poo, how do I stay regular?   ::walkingdog::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 23:36:41
Eat more cheese.

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I am wondering whether I should sell my house or not... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 23:42:43
Burn it and collect the insurance.

The little old lady that sits behind me during corporate worship is really off key when she sings (I do thank God we use instruments).  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 23:47:06
Sit behind her next week, and try to throw her off. Keep changing pitch, mix up the words, and let your voice crack a few times. Do this until she moves... It probably won't be long.

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A few of the older ladies that I meet with for corporate worship have a really hard time hearing, and constantly ask for things to be repeated... Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 07:17:18
Get them hearing aids.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 13:16:01
You're supposed to answer, then ask for advice, Follower.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 13:43:43

A few of the older ladies that I meet with for corporate worship have a really hard time hearing, and constantly ask for things to be repeated... Any ideas?

Tell the ladies before you start worship that today's message is living quite lives. So we are going to be playing a religious version of quite mouse. If they can't hear you, that's why, and if they ask for something to be repeated, they'll lose the game.

My 1 and 1/2 year old keeps taking up the air conditioner vents in our floor. Suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 13:48:37
Wire them to the electrical outlets... Every time your little one touches one of them, they'll get a nice little jolt.

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My wife has a lot of work that she is trying to get done at the house, and needs help with it... What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 14:14:32
James,

Quick! Drive to your local golf course. You'll get out of the work and you'll help your local economy.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 14:22:02
(http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/merv/golf.gif)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 17:15:16
Explain to her that it is her wifely duty, and, if she isn't getting it all done, she's falling short of what God expects of her.

------------------

The trim around the roof of my two story house needs repainting.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 17:50:25
Explain to your wife that it is her wifely duty, and, if she isn't getting it all done, she's falling short of what God expects of her.

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A friend of mine is in jail, and asked me to come visit him twice a week... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 19:15:45
Explain to your wife that it is....no, never mind that.

Wouldn't it be much better if you were able to see him even more than he's asked?  I would suggest armed robbery of a police station.  Then you'll be able to spend quality time with your friend.

____________________________________

The church I'm teaching at tomorrow night is more conservative than I am, and I want to be careful not to offend them.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 19:33:24
Start out by explaining that you realize that they aren't as spiritually mature as you are, and don't grasp the weightier matters, but that you will condescend to teach them anyway, as long as they promise not to question any of it.

-----------------

Now, about my trim that needs painting?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 20:07:24
Start out by explaining that you realize that they aren't as spiritually mature as you are, and don't grasp the weightier matters, but that you will condescend to teach them anyway, as long as they promise not to question any of it.

I thought that this was the bad advice thread...
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 20:48:12
Start out by explaining that you realize that they aren't as spiritually mature as you are, and don't grasp the weightier matters, but that you will condescend to teach them anyway, as long as they promise not to question any of it.

-----------------

Now, about my trim that needs painting?
Use one of those high pressure washers filled with paint instead of water and do it from the ground.


I've got too many weeds in the yard.  How should I get rid of them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 21:02:50
Smoke em!

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It looks like another bad hurricane season this year... Any thoughts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 21:07:13
Invest all of your money in Acme Weather Control, inc.  pm me, and I'll give you the address to send the check.

------------------------------------

I have so much on my mind I can't think clearly about any one thing.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 21:11:32
Sounds like a good time to do some multitasking.


I'm teaching a class at camp in a few weeks.  What should I teach?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 21:14:39
A twenty-five part lesson series on "Modesty".

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I'm behind on most, if not all of my bills... What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 21:32:44
Become a Jehovah's Witness vacuum salesman.  You can sell vacuums and tell folks about being a Witness.  2 birds with one stone!

I have a problem with figuring out what question I should ask.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 21:54:01
(jmg, your suggestion is, unfortunately, being followed.)

JB, just copy someone else's question.  No one will notice.

------------------------------------------------

I have a problem with figuring out what question I should ask.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 22:06:31
A twenty-five part lesson series on "Modesty".
Hey, did you go to the same camp I went to as a kid?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 22:21:49
(jmg, your suggestion is, unfortunately, being followed.)

JB, just copy someone else's question.  No one will notice.

------------------------------------------------

I have a problem with figuring out what question I should ask.  What should I do?

just copy someone else's question.  No one will notice.

I have a problem with figuring out what question I should ask.  What should I do?


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 22:36:53
Ask Marc and JerryBrooke.

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I don't get any Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons knocking on my door anymore... What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 22:42:34
Join your local Mormon congergation and desperse the witness to your house

I dont want to work any more what shall I do
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 22:48:22
Open up a lawnmower repair business... I heard there's big money there.

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There's a big fly buzzing around my living room... Any recommendations?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 23:18:17
12 gauge shotgun should do the trick.

Hubby wants to buy a new car.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 23:19:49
Get a new hubby.

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I'm really hungry for cake, but I already had a piece... What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 23:38:39
Eat three pieces.


Bugs are coming through my screens, Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 23:40:39
Light the house on fire... That should get rid of 'em.

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I've got a bad bug bite on my arm, that I really want to scratch... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 23:46:41
Use a wood rasp.

My lampshade is old and ugly.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 07:07:52
Convert into your "Sunday goin' to church" hat.


My basement has two feet of water standing in it.  How do I fix it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 07:24:04
Run an extension cord from an electrical outlet down to the water, plug in a vacuum cleaner, and just vacuum up the water a little bit at a time.  Once you get up all the water, build a big, roaring fire in the basement.  That should help dry up the remaining wetness.

I have a big stump in front of my house that needs to be removed.  How do I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 17:04:43
Go to the hardware store and buy about a dozen axes. Then pay a bunch of kids in your neighborhood a couple of dollars each, and tell them to hack away.

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I have a headache, and it's getting worse as the day wears on... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 17:09:06
Go watch the children at the McDonald's playground for a while (indoor is best) and then watch The View.


There's a clanking sound coming from inside the trunk of the car.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 17:56:33
Drive the car off a cliff (be sure to step out of it first), collect the insurance, and buy a new one that doesn't have a clanking sound.

---------------------------------------

My CokeTM is flat.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: july8 on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 18:04:55
drink it as fast as u can so u can't taste it


i have a breathing problem, what should i do?

(breathing problem: just kiddinglol)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 18:08:38
start smoking.

I think I have a hemorrhoid, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: july8 on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 18:09:56
lol, i don't know what that is but maybe u should die


i hate cheese, what should i do about it
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 18:28:55
get a hemorrhoid.

What should I do about the Pistons losing the Eastern Conference Finals?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 18:34:21
start smoking.

---------

I have a really hectic week ahead of me... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 20:18:46
Put a plastic bag over your head.  The breathing problem will go away sooner or later.  It may not help you with your spelling of pronouns, though.

My arm hurts, any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 20:21:26
Put it in a vice until it's good and numb.


I need to know to know how to pick a good Limburger cheese.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 20:22:13
Don't.

Last week of school, suspense killing me? Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 20:31:52
Put laxative in the principal's coffee.  That will lighten your mood.

I have a problem with not getting enough fiber in my diet.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 20:40:11
Well cows eat grass so you should eat more Beef!


My nose runs when I stand on my head. How do you get it to stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 20:49:57
C-clamp.

There are too many rabbits in the neighborhood.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 21:03:04
Neighborhood bunny-fry.


We have squirrels eating all the birdseed.  How do I stop them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 21:06:19
Duh.  Poison the birdseed.


I have a shaky floor that causes dishes to rattle whenever someone walks on it.  What should I do about this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 21:10:23
Get paper plates.....no wait, that would work, so is that bad advice?


My toilet sometimes runs if I don't jiggle the handle on the way out. 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 21:52:42
How many people do I have to tell about the dangers of indoor plumbing?  GET AN OUTHOUSE ALREADY!!!!

--------------

I'm so tired my eyes are crossing.  Any gusesstions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trinity on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 22:05:41
Staple them straight onto your head, or you can overdose on some sleep aids then you don't have to worry about being tired anymore.

__________________________________



What do I do about the stray cats hanging around my house?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 22:08:09
I know a website that has some good recipes.

___________________

There are tiny little gnomes dancing on my keyboard.  Should I be worried?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trinity on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 22:15:02
Only if they bite.


What do I do about this pain in my wrist?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 22:22:47
If thy wrist offendeth thee, cut it off.

...

I got these moles that dig up my yard.  What should I do about them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trinity on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 22:27:01
Bury them in the holes that they dig... alive, with their head poking out of the ground.




What do I do about constantly bickering children?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 23:05:06
Whatever you do... don't discipline them!!!

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Tomorrow is 6/6/6... Any thoughts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 07:37:06
Go with the European date convention, so instead of 6/6/6, it'll be ... oh, never mind.

--------------------

Weeds keep coming up in my vegetable garden.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 07:37:21
Only if they bite.

Interesting response, since "They Bite" is the name of a classic short horror story by Anthony Boucher about little people who live in the California desert.    ::pondering::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 07:38:59
Go with the European date convention, so instead of 6/6/6, it'll be ... oh, never mind.

--------------------

Weeds keep coming up in my vegetable garden.  Ideas?

Plant your weeds somewhere else, not in the middle of your vegetables.  That was a silly thing to do.

-------------

I got up before my alarm clock went off but didn't shut it off.  I can hear it going crazy in my bedroom right now.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 08:16:33
Do you own a shotgun?




My coffee's getting cool, how should I get it warm again?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 08:51:32
Open the hood on your vehicle, set the coffee in there, and start your engine.  You'll find that it is an excellent heating source.


There's a lady down the hall who has a habit of laughing very loudly.  How should I address this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 09:26:33
Oh yes, definitely.  And most people prefer the direct approach, perhaps something like "Woman, shut your yap and get to work.  My coffee's getting cold."  I think that will be very effective and conducive to a positive work environment.


The cable company keeps calling to see if I want to upgrade.  What should I tell them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:11:08
Upgrade and order everything they offer.  Next time they call you can tell them it is impossible for you to upgrade.


My wife is out of town until Friday.  What should I do while she is away?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:14:41
Eat everything in the fridge, dirty all the dishes, let the dog(s) in but not out, don't mow the lawn and do not--do not bathe.


I did all the above and I'm not sure my wife took it as intended.  How do I make it up to her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:16:14
Buy her a vacuum.  Women love vacuums.

I have that Arkansas song in my head.  How do I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:18:12
Listen to 18 hours of funeral dirges.

------------

My gut is hanging over my belt too far, how do I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:20:35
Home surgery.  It's cheap and easy, and without anesthesia, you can perform it yourself.  ---------------------------------

I was conned into babysitting today, and my almost-three-year-old neice threw up five minutes in.  How do I keep this from happening again?


And some bonus advice, previously written, for JB:

Get a hand-held drill and make a small hole at the base of your skull.  Then, when you regain consciousness, drill another on top of your head.  Pour scalding water with ajax and bleach mixed in in the top hole, and it will wash the song right out, through the bottom one.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:22:32
Two words.  Medicinal Marijuana, and its now for toddlers!

I see Alexander Campbell on almost every thread now, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:24:18
Try not to committ suicide? Ok, real answer now. Report posts and/or delete them (involves moderatuion)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:24:51
Start a bunch of threads about Joel Osteen or Pope Benedict.


I've got relatives coming for the next three weeks (in two installments).  How should I make them feel at home?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:26:43
Walk around in your underwear.


Speaking of which, I need new underwear.  What kind should I buy?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:28:15
I feel uncomfortable about answering this, so...... try Fruit of the Loom?



Need new ideas for my next short story. Anybody got some?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:39:41
If this is a school project, give the main character the same name as your teacher, and portray the character as extremely lazy and stupid.  (Remember, this is bad advice.)


I think I'll order pizza for dinner.  What kind should I order?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:50:04
The way we make it here in PA, with lots of meat!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:50:58
If this is a school project, give the main character the same name as your teacher, and portray the character as extremely lazy and stupid.  (Remember, this is bad advice.)


I think I'll order pizza for dinner.  What kind should I order?

It doesn't really matter. Just make sure you charge it to Underhill...

---------

I have a ton of stuff to do tonight, and probably won't have time to eat dinner... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 17:53:23
Drink lots of Coca-Cola Blak.


I've got to trim the hedges quickly.  Any shortcuts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:00:56
Run them over with the lawnmower.

----------

My wireless connection is not working in my home office, in my basement... Any advice?





Drink lots of Coca-Cola Blak.

By the way, I like Coca-Cola Blak... It's just so expensive!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:04:15
Move your home office to your rooftop. 

--------------------------------------------------------

Other people keep typing replies while I'm trying to post.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:15:50
Start a new thread.


Should I mow the grass tonight?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:18:23
YES!

I can't think of a question, and im fine with other people posting answers! ::smile::

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:19:59
I have to disagree with Follower, nope, wait till your wife gets back + one week.


I might want to retire in 30+ years.  How should I prepare?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:27:07
Fill a large mayonnaise jar with quarters, and bury it in the back yard.

-------------------------

My grill is kind of skanky.  How should I clean it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:27:47
With a blow torch.

---------------

I have to preach on Sunday, the text is Acts 1:1-8.  Any good ideas on how to approach that passage?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:29:32
just interrupting to say that I originally read "grill" in twd's post as "girl".   ::eek::

Now back to your regularly scheduled thread.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:32:31
With a blow torch.

---------------

I have to preach on Sunday, the text is Acts 1:1-8.  Any good ideas on how to approach that passage?

I'd mention how that, if your congregation has read or seen The DaVinci Code, they surely realize that all of this stuff about a resurrection and assencion was just a later addition to the text in an attempt to prove Jesus' Divinity.

Then, throw 'em a curve by saying you've figured out the exact date of Christ's return.

-------------------

I keep losing fantasy baseball games in spite of having a solid team.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:34:01
(That's just weird, marc.  ::noworries:: )

Do like Steinbrenner, and talk bad about them to the media.

======================

I ate too many burritos.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:35:55
Go to a crowded room just at the moment when the gas is the worst.

----------------

The paint is peeling off my house, how should I fix it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:37:46
Paper Mache'.


How can I save on my electric bill?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:40:04
Run a series of extension cords over to your neighbor's house when he isn't looking.

------------------------------------

What's the best way to get my dress shoes shiny again?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:40:58
Olive Oil


My car is out of gas.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:42:38
Siphon.  You can get those pesky covers off of people's gas tanks with a screwdriver.

------------------------------

I want to be a millionaire.  Any idea how?


(and my previously typed advice to Tidbit:  There may be a place near you where the electric company stores transformers.  Steal a couple, put them on your back porch, and create an arc of electricity between them.  When you walk through this arc, it will allow you to travel in time (a guy in Missouri was in the process of trying this when his neighbors, whom he was blacking out, turned him in.  Serously.)  Travel back a week and play the lottery.  Then you won't have to worry about paying your electric bill ever again.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:43:54

(and my previously typed advice to Tidbit:  There may be a place near you where the electric company stores transformers.  Steal a couple, put them on your back porch, and create an arc of electricity between them.  When you walk through this arc, it will allow you to travel in time.  Travel back a week and play the lottery.  Then you won't have to worry about paying your electric bill ever again.)

I'm going to try that!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 18:44:50
To be a millionaire, borrow lots of money at 25% interest and invest it in savings bonds.  Each time your savings bonds mature, spend the money on things like CDs and DVDs.

-----------------------------

I would like to be a great dancer, any clue how to do it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 21:31:34
Get on that TV show !!!

I am out of condiments what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 22:02:23
So you have any paint in your house?  Just use the color paint most similar to the condiment you prefer.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm currently stressed out because I've entered a period where I can only wait.  Any suggestions for stress relief?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 22:04:27
Two words.  Medicinal Marijuana.  And now its for Marc.   ::crackup::

I am having trouble staying awake, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trinity on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 22:06:06
Medicininal cocaine...   ::eek::



My daughter has a fever, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 22:07:50
Two words.  Medicinal Marijuana.  And now its for daughters!   ::crackup::

I am having trouble watching movies that my wife picks out because they are so boring, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trinity on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 22:18:36
Two words.  Medicinal Marijuana.  And now its for daughters!   ::crackup::
Lol!   rofl




Get comfy and take a nap.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 23:15:23
Tell your wife that the girls you used to date picked out much more interesting movies... or better yet, tell your wife that your mother had great taste in movies... she should become more like her.

......

My original autographed copies of Campbell's Millennial Harbinger are getting old and fragile.  What would be the best way to preserve them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 23:18:48
Varnish works well.  So does elbalming fluid.

-----------------

My skin is starting to develop white splotches that look like leprosy.  What is the best course of action?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 23:31:46
Take half a bottle of Tylenol, turn the stove range on high, and place affected areas on the burner (after the Tylenol has started to take effect, of course).

-------------------------

My copy of the Campbell-Purcell Debate on DVD (widescreen, digitally remastered) is stuck in my DVD player.  What is the best way to get it out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 00:05:27
Go to the hardware store and buy about a dozen axes. Then pay a bunch of kids in your neighborhood a couple of dollars each, and tell them to hack away.

----------

I have to teach on Mark chapter 8 tomorrow night... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 00:15:32
Try to find something in that chapter that indicates that worshiping with instruments is a sin.  Use that as a clever segue in a lesson on the error of denominationalists.

--------------------------------

I have a problem with ants getting into the house.  What should I do about it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 00:19:30
Spread gasoline around your house and on the roof of your house and then do a controlled burn.  This will destroy any trail they have left.

---------------

I love to sing, but sometimes get off key and the person in front of me in church will turn around and give me a dirty look.  What should I do then?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 00:32:28
Sing loud and kiss them on the mouth.



My phone only rings during worship how do you get it to stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: janine on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 01:50:49
Answer it!  Tell the caller loudly that you are in worship right now and can you call them back... mmm-hmmm -- will do, as soon as the worship assembly breaks up -- yup, and you'll bring home a dozen eggs and a loaf of bread -- mm-hmmm -- yes, you didn't forget your truss -- nope, you brushed your teeth this morning --

Then you'll figure out it was a wrong number, someone else's Mama.

********************************************************************

I have "Big Shots" coming in to work tomorrow.  What should I wear?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 06:47:06
Hawaiian shirt and a grass skirt and one of those beer can hats.   And combat boots.  And the wig that Jan lady on TBN wears. 


I have a big hairy wart that seems to be distracting for people when we're talking.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 07:34:06
Get several different colors of nail polish, and decorate it, so it will be much less distracting.

-------------------------

I have to go to work now.  What shall I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 07:36:44
See my advice to Janine about what to wear.


I've got to go to the Big Apple Saturday.  Any advice on what to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 07:39:32
Go into St. Patrick's cathedral, and yell loudly about how the Pope is the Antichrist.

--------------------------------------

My daughter seems to be very serious about a young man she met at college.  Thoughts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 07:45:23
Invite him to come over for the weekend, and then act like hicks.  Serve him possum and racoon for dinner, tell him he has to sleep in the barn, and have him help with chores like making the lye soap for the year.  Then make sure to tell him how much your daughter loves possum and racoon and how much she loves making lye soap.

---------------------------------------

My dog is shedding badly, any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 07:49:19
Spurly, you're reading from my playbook.  I've been working on such plans for 10 years....no kidding.

Dog:  Make a toupè for one of your deacons.


We've not yet got elders and deacons, what should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 08:37:04
Two words:  Ouija Board.

---------------------------------------

I am worried about what the stock marked losses are doing to my 401(k) that I'm about to cash in.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 08:48:48
Pull the money out early and pay the penalty.  Then invest in pork bellies.

----------------

I am petrified of oranges, any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 08:51:23
Invite him to come over for the weekend, and then act like hicks.  Serve him possum and racoon for dinner, tell him he has to sleep in the barn, and have him help with chores like making the lye soap for the year.  Then make sure to tell him how much your daughter loves possum and racoon and how much she loves making lye soap.
Actually, as much as he likes to hunt, he'd probably think that's a good thing...

Paint the oranges red, and pretend they're apples.

--------------------------------

How do I keep my dog from getting fleas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 09:03:05
Kill it.  Fleas only live living dogs.

--------------

How do I get the wax out of my ears?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 09:10:24
If you don't have a pressure washer, go buy one.  Get one with a pressure rating of 2000 PSI or greater.  That should be pretty efficient for cleaning out your ears.

---------------------------

I have a bunch of junk on the floor that needs to be sorted, put away, and thrown away.  How's the best way to approach this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 09:37:45
Sort them by room position. The right half goes in the closet and left half goes under the bed.

--------------------------------------------------

I'm wanting to golf more but have to work and don't have the money to play much. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 10:24:53
Become a golf pro, so you'll be paid to play.  You may have to start at the local Putt-Putt.

-----------------------------------------

I've run out of room on my harddisk?  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 10:27:16
Delete half of the stuff on your computer at random -- then you should have plenty of space.

I cannot catch fly balls, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 10:41:51
Whenever one comes toward you, flail your arms about and scream like a scared two year old, running around in circles. 


When I golf, I often slice.  Any hints?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 10:47:03
Years of therapy will help you stop.  Playing golf, that is.  (sorry; not sure that's bad advice.)


------------------------

Okay, to clarify my previous question since I was given advice I'm already following; I'm about to pull my money out of my 401k early and pay the penalty to pay for school in the fall, but the stock market is not doing well at the moment, and I'm going to be getting less money than I would have a few weeks ago.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: july8 on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 12:16:10
burn the stock market
----------------------------
last night I drank a cup of juice that mad e me feel sick. what sould I do?  ::headscratch::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 12:31:21
It may not have been the juice that made you sick.  Give your wife a glass of the juice.  If she starts to feel sick, then don't drink any more of that juice.


I need to stay awake this afternoon.  What, besides medicinal cocaine, should I eat for lunch? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 14:05:50
Eat anything that has something in it that will make your stomach throw up every 5 minutes or make you have diarrhea.  It is tough to sleep with either of those conditions.

--------------

I don't like to talk on the phone, but people keep calling me.  What should i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 14:10:07
Always answer, "Bank One, debt consolidation department, I'm calling to see what we can do about your late payments."  They'll either be confused and hang up or send you a check.


I think my basement needs finishing.  What's the best material to use for the floor?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 14:13:45
Nail polish -- although it may take a million of those little bottles, it comes off easy with that nail polish remover stuff when you get tried of it.

[Supplemental advice to Tidbit] It's a little late for lunch today, but here's how to accomplish what Spurly was suggesting: try something with a sauce made from syrup of ipecac laced with ex-lax, that'll keep you moving this afternoon.

I have an eye appointment this afternoon -- anything special I should do to prepare?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 14:38:51
Poke yourself in each eye several times with a sharp object.  You will want to open up the eye so the doctor can check it out.

-------------------

I'm always getting those CDs in the mail from America On Line.  What should I do with them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 14:40:23
It may not have been the juice that made you sick.  Give your wife a glass of the juice.  If she starts to feel sick, then don't drink any more of that juice.
That is bad advice given that the questioner is a 12-year-old girl.   ::noworries::

Use the AOL CD's to tile your bathroom.

-----------------------------

What's the best way to take a vacation to Australia?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 14:41:33
Bomb the Austrialian embassy.


A customer gave me some wooden nickels.  How do I get them exchanged for greenbacks?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 15:08:09
Auction them off on ebay as "ultra rare, extremely valuable antique nickels".  Say that whoever wins the auction will also get a date with Jennifer Aniston.

-----------------------------------

I like my steak well done.  What is the best way to cook it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 15:17:38
Lay it out on the side walk during one of those hot Oklahoma summer days!  After 9 or 10 hours it'll be real well done!

------------

What advice would you have for a guy who forgot his wife's birthday and their anniversary?

OD
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 15:27:12
(actually, the worst possible thing you could do with those AOL discs is use them.  Go on with the thread now.  Sorry.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 15:54:27
OD -- no advice I could concoct would be worse than what you have already done.

I am trying to increase my running speed, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 16:00:16
Hook a bungee cord to your belt and hook the other end on to a car you see about to pull out onto the expressway.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I just sold a car at well below its value because I wanted to get it out of my way.  What should I do now?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 16:07:49
Acme rocket powered rollerskates.  They worked for the coyote.  Sort of.

(next time you're going to sell something for well before it's value, tell me first)

------------------------------

What's the best way to treat an ingrown toenail?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:06:05
Amputate the toe so it doesn't happen again.  No need to go to the hospital, just use a butcher knife.

--------------

I want to consider reaching out to the non-instrumental brothers and sisters here in town, how should I approach it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: july8 on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:09:13
u should call them 24/7 and see how they like it


if i get dizzy rolling around.. ::rolling:: ::rolling:: ::rolling:: then what should i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:15:48
Just change directions.



I'm getting 24/7 calls from some Christian Church dude who's reaching out to us non-IMers.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:24:53
Tell them of the prophet Alexander Campbell, and his servant, Piney.

I just pooped, and now I'm tired (Thanks Beavis and Butthead Do America!), What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:26:42
Stay on the toilet and get a good nap in.


Know of an effective air freshener?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:28:07
Two words.  Medicinal Marijuana.  It deodorizes and bakes!

My brother is too old and too big for me to baptize (dunk) him a hundred times in the lake now, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:30:09
Baptize him in the ocean.


My boss invited me over for dinner.  What should I take?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:30:47
I'm starting to think JerryBrooke might be watching too much Montel.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:32:34
Some rowdy kids.

----------

We've got a ton of clothes that got wet when our sewer backed up... What should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:33:46
Wear them, and tell people you are from Green Bay, and that is why you stink. 

Note:  I never watch Montel, but I would watch the Alexander Campbell hour.

-----------------------------

My in-laws like the Green Bay Packers, what should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:35:36
Borrow James' sewer soaked clothes, and wear them over to their house every time you go...

----------

We are way behind on our spring cleaning... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:41:25
Take a sabatical.



I had goat cheese and sun-dried tomato pizza for lunch.  What should I do if I get gassy at Bible study tonite?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 17:54:36
Let em rip and tell them you're speaking in tongues.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: july8 on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 18:58:11
(watch out...this is good advice...)     teehee, thats gross. Oh, and don't poop

I think someones a retard. what should i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:25:08
Stop thinking.  Enroll in a mind-control program; several cults are out on the web recruiting.

------------------------------------------------

I can't get "I don't like mondays" out of my head, which is particularly depressing given the song's subject matter.  And there is no reason.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:28:17
Either Medicinal Marijuana or reading Alexander Campbell stuff, both of which are mind altering substances.

I need some cash.  How should I get it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:30:34
Listen to this. (http://www.keeparkansasbeautiful.com/images/gac05/60-KAB_tag%5B6%5D.mp3)


I post to slow and gave JerryBrooke Marc's advice by mistake.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:32:29
Let JerryBrooke take this advice instead:  I'll forward you some e-mails I get from gentlemen in Nigeria who will gladly send you money.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

My thirty-year-old-plus, metal bookshelf, which my mother bought for me with green stamps (seriously) when I was ten is collapsing, and I don't know where to put my books.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:37:19
Duct tape and bailing wire. (which is an effective answer to 97.6% of the questions asked so far)


I need to wash the exterior of my house...any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:39:56
Quote
Common rain dances feature dancing in a circle, the pouring of water, and whirling around, acting like the wind. The Hopi Indian rain dance includes holding a live venomous snake in the mouth.

----------------------------

Now I have a stupid Arkansas anti-Litter Jingle stuck in my head.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:44:09
Listen to I don't Like Mondays, again.

I keep getting these e-mails from Nigerians now, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:47:09
Move to Nigeria.  Apparently no one there can cash a $35,000,000 check, so they should leave you alone.


It's been raining for weeks and I really need to mow the lawn, but it won't stop raining.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:48:58
Move to Texas, the dirt doesn't need to be mowed.  Now there is some really really bad advice right there.

I have smiley-phobia, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:49:47
Duct tape and bailing wire will fix most things, I hear.

--------------------

I'm hungry, what should I eat?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:52:08
Call the Chinese take-out and ask if they give a discount on yesterday's leftovers.


I've got new neighbors.  How should I welcome them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:52:43
How about Duct Tape and Bailing Wire.  Its a great gift.

Who should I vote for in the Michigan governor's race?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 21:55:42
Ask if they have a roulette voting booth.  That's what we've got.


I've got Sen. Clinton and Sen. Schumer representing my best interests in Washington?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 22:28:18
Move to Massachusetts.

----------------------------

I have a long road trip ahead of me next week.  How should I get ready?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 22:32:11
Now that's some bad advice!!!
-----

Stay awake from now until time to leave, and pack only easy listening cds.


I forgot to bring the grape juice for communion in from the car Sunday, it's still in the back. 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 22:34:40
Be sure to serve some brie to go with the wine and crackers Sunday.

------------------------------

I need to plan for combined devotionals for the Wednesday nights this summer.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 22:36:27
Print off this thread and call it "Proverbs for the 21st Century"


I had corned beef and cabbage for supper, but still have more raw cabbage.  What should I make?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 22:50:22
Print off this thread and call it "Proverbs for the 21st Century"

 rofl
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 22:52:54
Print off this thread and call it "Proverbs for the 21st Century"


I had corned beef and cabbage for supper, but still have more raw cabbage.  What should I make?

By a juicer, and make the leftovers into popsicles.

----------

I lead a men's study on Thursdays, and we're heading into Revelation chapter 21 tomorrow... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: july8 on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 23:20:11
tell them they are all going to hell   rofl

I am a whimpy bike rider...



 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 23:20:57
By a real man's bike and then attempt to jump the grand canyon with it.

---------------------

I have to take my dog for a walk, but don't want her to poop in the neighbor's yard.  Advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 23:22:09
Wear a Hefty bag.


I don't have a bike.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 23:26:27
Go down to the local school, and when the kids get out knock one of them off their bike and accuse them of stealing your bike.  Then ride it wherever you please.

---------------------------

I have an electrical short in my vacumn cleaner.  Advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 23:29:15
Plug it in and see if it'll work as a wet vac.


Squirrels keep chewing my garbage can lids (really).
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 23:39:40
Stop using trashcans.  Instead take your trash and dump it on your neigbors front porch each night.

---------------------

My internet connection is too slow, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 23:57:13
Bang your head against the wall for about an hour. Then, you and the connection will be operating at the same speed.

----------

I need to get all of my stuff off of my old laptop, and onto the new one... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 07, 2006 - 23:58:41
Take the hard drive out of your new computer and replace it with the hard drive in your old computer.  If they are not compatible, just throw both computers in the trash.

------------------------------

I'm not a good dancer, but I want to learn.  Can you help me?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 00:04:29
No. You should take out an ad in the San Francisco Chronicle.

----------

My wife has a headache right now... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 05:13:05
Send her to San Fran to get the paper for Spurly.


The phone book people somehow forgot to put our new number in the book...again.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 05:28:10
Go to all the bars in town and bring a permanent marker.  On the inside of the bathroom stalls, write "FOR A GOOD TIME CALL" and your number.

Some people will be bound to call.

===========================

How do I get rid of the pesky girl scout selling cookies knocking on my door?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 05:40:00
Where a fake ankle bracelet in an obvious manner for a week or two.  Rumors about your supposed crime will get around and she won't be back.


I like thin mints, but I haven't even seen a girl scout in years.  How do I get them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 08:11:42
Make your own.  Just buy some tic-tacs and press them between a couple of Hershey Bars.  Same thing.

------------------------------------

People keep making silly spelling mistakes and typos on this thread.  Is there anythign I can do about it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 08:18:29
Yes, be a spelling and grammar Nazi and make a snide remark every time.  It worked out well for a lady on another forum visited once.


I need to change the oil in my car today but it's supposed to rain. 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 08:23:14
Pull your car into the rain and open your hood.  Drain out the oil, then take your oil cap off.  Let the rain clean out the engine completely for an hour or so before putting the new oil in.  To make sure the whole engine gets cleaned, leave the motor running while you're doing this.

----------------------------------------------------------

It's dreary outside, and this is depressing.  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 08:44:18
Look at this image, while kicking back and drinking margaritas.  Several margaritas.  After a while, you won't care.

(http://www.lakbaypilipinas.com/images/boracay_palm_trees1.jpg)

----------------------------------

I dreamed last night that my wife bought me a new Mustang for a present.  When I woke up, it wasn't there.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 10:17:56
Your wife or the car?   ::headscratch::


What can I do about this itchy rash?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 10:35:01
Scratch it real hard with a stiff hairbrush, then pour alcohol on it.

------------

My neighbors just bought a new car and I'm really coveting it in my heart.  Your thoughts?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 10:50:01
Sounds like raw biscuit and egg throwin' time to me.


I wish my neighbor would get a new car with a quiet muffler and no stereo.  Short of giving him the $50, what can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: july8 on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 10:53:51
Make your own.  Just buy some tic-tacs and press them between a couple of Hershey Bars.  Same thing.

------------------------------------

People keep making silly spelling mistakes and typos on this thread.  Is there anythign I can do about it?

tee, hee!!!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 10:56:32
Intall a sound proof barrier to totally enclose your property.  Then place Rotweilers out front to make sure no one opens the door.

-------------------------

I have to drive to Tulsa today but I need to purchase gas.  I don't want to purchase any gas until the price drops below $1.25 a gallon.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 11:01:32
Drive to the police station lot, where all the cruisers are parked, and syphon gas from one of them.

--------------------

I'm hungry for sushi.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 11:18:44
Go fishing... and then chow down.

------------------------

I have a lot of clover growing in my front yard.  How do I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 12:34:51
Buy a horse.


How can I save money on my taxes?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 12:39:00
Quit working today and go stand on a corner with a sign that says "will work for food".

--------------------------------

I can't seem to get enough tuna salad, what shall I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 12:43:44
Ask your local supermarket for the outdated stuff they are just going to throw away.

------------

A friend accidentally recorded an NBA finals games over his son's birth video.  What advice should I give him?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 13:12:19
Have another child that looks pretty much the same, then make two copies.  Or, go find an expentant mother who looks like your wife and film her birthing.



I changed the oil, not what do I do with the old stuff?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 13:33:18
Dump it underneath your neighbor's car.


How should I tell my wife I don't like her new haircut?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 13:46:32
Next Sunday during announcement time make an announcement.


My sheets are too short for the bed.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 13:57:25
Follow the example of Procrustes

------------------------------------------------

We're taking the kids to a youth rally this weekend, and we can't get straight answers from the kids as to whether they're going.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 14:02:27
Follow the example of Procrustes
Ouch!

Inform the kids that their salvation depends on earning enough points to get into heaven, and that going is worth a lot of points, while not going is lots of negative points.

--------------------------------------

How best to deal with complaining parents who think their bratty kids are not treated right by the Bible school teachers?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 14:24:21
Let the bratty kids teach the Bible class.


What's the best way to remove grass stains?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 14:33:31
Let the bratty kids teach the Bible class.
In some cases, they already do...  ::frown::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 14:57:49
Let the bratty kids teach the Bible class.


What's the best way to remove grass stains?

Cover up what is not stained with a different type of grass!  Medicinal Marijuana!

--------------------

I've got some JW's knocking on the door, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 15:05:28
Answer the door in your birthday suit.


My neighbor doesn't wear a shirt when he mows the grass. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 15:10:19
Shoot at him with a paintball gun.

----------

A Nigerian official is offering to give me a lot of money if I'll let him deposit some funds into my bank account.  What do you think?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 15:25:08
I say negotiate hard with him, hold out for 25%.  You may never get a golden opportunity like this again.

----------------------------

The birds keep perching on my fence, pooping on top of every post.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 15:37:12
Pour super glue on the top of the posts.


There are dead birds sitting on my fence posts.  How should I get rid of them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 16:07:19
My neighbor doesn't wear a shirt when he mows the grass. What should I do?
Shoot at him with a painball gun.
OD, I'm not sure that qualifies as bad advice.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 16:08:29
There are dead birds sitting on my fence posts.  How should I get rid of them?

Dinner!!!


I hurt my leg getting out of the car.  What should I do to ease the pain?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: july8 on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 16:14:40
put it in the oven
at broil

if u have anasty bro, what should u do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 17:04:02
Throw them out the window!

If you can't find your mind in the morning, what should you do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 17:07:52
Do something to tick off your wife, and she will give you some of her mind.

----------------------------------

My 18 month old daughter keeps telling me "no," all the time.  How do I make her stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 17:19:06
Ignore the no, and keep asking the question.

I can't dance. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 17:25:48
Enroll at Abilene Christian University and sign up for the Choreography team.   They don't dance, they choreograph.

Somebody's going to get after me for bashing ACU.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 17:29:09
Respond to them with a bunch of Amen and hugs smilies, and use phrases like "Can't we just get along?"  Or you could claim that you were misunderstood and with a long, long post, reverse your position.


My car needs new tires, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 17:55:53
Buy a new car.


What's the best way to get bugs off the front of my new car?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 17:57:55
Do you own a blowtorch?

----------

I've got creditors hounding me, and no money to pay them... What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 18:01:52
Tell them to call 1-888-467-0507 (United's Frequent Flier Award Desk).  Up until last week, I answered that number, but I no longer do, so I don't care.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm getting ready to re-arrange my bedroom, and am not sure what to move first, the dresser, the bed, or the Entertainment system.  Any suggestions?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 18:06:47
Sell all of these items and buy lottery tickets.  Then tell your wife you donated the stuff to the Salvation Army.


I locked my keys in my car.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 18:21:04
Call the dealer to bring you a new key.   Tell him to hurry.  It might rain, and the top's down.
(Sorry - that's an Aggie joke.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 18:40:57
BOG forgot to ask the next question.  Should I say something at the risk of embarassing him or just let it go?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 19:02:23
I didn't forget.   I thought it was the perfect note on which to end this thread.

The thread is continuing.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 19:39:04
Post a link to a page that loads spyware onto peoples' computers.

-------------------------------------------

Tidbit's advising me what to tell my wife, and I don't have one.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 20:02:37
I've got an immigrant friend who can help you remedy that (wish I were kidding).


I've felt like bugs are all over me all afternoon.  What can I do to get rid of the feeling?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 20:17:08
medicinal marihuana


What's the best way to save for college?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 20:51:03
Grow and sell medicinal marijuana.  It's a profitable commodity.


What do I do about heartburn?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 20:57:03
You guessed it, Medicinal Marijuana!

How do I break my addiction to medicinal marijuana?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 21:01:05
Medical opium, duh!

My arm hurts from my dog jerking the leash when he saw a rabbit.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 21:02:02
Two words, Medicinal Marijuana!

My daughter is screaming now, how do I stop her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 21:06:05
Give her some Children's Chewable Medicinal Marijuana.


I burned myself on that last dose of medicinal marijuana.  How should I treat the burn?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 21:52:26
Butter.  But remember, there's no butter in Hell.


The T-Mobile Halftime Report, sponsored by T-Mobile, and featuring T-Mobile, is annoying.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 22:23:03
Get more minutes.

----------

There are spiders all over the place in my house... Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 22:32:28
By gallaons of bug spray, and let it sit 2 feet deep in your house for a month.  The spiders will die.

--------------------------

The picture card on my digital camera is full, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 22:37:51
Throw it away and by a new, empty one.

----------

My toe nails are a bit long... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 22:49:13
Get out the hedgetrimmers and cut them back.  Be sure to get as close to the skin as possible.

-----------------------------

I am allergic to water, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 23:26:36
Denounce the instrument, and be re-baptized.

----------

I cut my toe nails to close to the skin... What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 23:28:41
Find the nearest shark infested beach.  Stick your bleeding toes in the water as close to the sharks as possible.  They will take care of your toes.

-------------------------

I forget to ask questions to get advice on, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Thu Jun 08, 2006 - 23:31:39
(http://www.freesmileys.org/emo/eatdrink053.gif)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 02:06:28
Take a knife and carve the words "Ask a question" into your computer screen.

------------------------------------------------

I'm upset at the guys on that stupid ESPN show Around The Horn for disregarding the Reds.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 07:22:25
Cut letters out of the newspaper, and paste them to a piece of paper, telling them to give your team the attention it so richly deserves, or you will scratch up the paint on their cars.  Sign it Bin Laden, and mail it to them.

-------------------------------------------

Heavy rain last night beat down my corn.  What shall I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 07:35:14
Realize the Cardinals are no longer in first place, so nothing really matters, and go on a fast.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't sleep last night, and now I have to drive.  How should I stay awake?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 07:54:34
Fill your car to the roof with ice.



I want to get better gas mileage without buying a new car.  Suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 07:56:58
Remove excess weight from your car.  Seats, interior carpet, spare tire, doors, etc.  The less your car weighs, the better gas mileage you will get.

-----------------------

I am afraid of heights, any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 08:51:52
Confront your fear by going skydiving.  But, to save money, use the blanket off your bed instead of a parachute.

------------------------

I have a friend on an Internet forum who is misguided into thinking the Reds will stay in first place.  How do I straighten him out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 08:58:14
Lovingly rebuke him.  And, then show him the way more perfectly.

--------------------

I started painting a shed yesterday but am now sore because of it.  How do I continue painting today without doing further injury?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 09:03:15
Medicinal cocaine will take care of the hurt.

-----------------------------

Someone's posting blasphemy on another message board, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 09:16:54
Ask her if false apostles prefer medicinal marijuana or cocaine.

---------------------

My paintbrush is stiff from painting yesterday.  How do I soften it up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 09:56:28
Soak it in kerosene, then put it in the oven for 30 minutes at 350˚.


My friends and I are supposed to golf after work, but the forecast is rainy with a high of 65 (in June!).  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 10:04:22
Play anyway and any time you hear thunder in the area, hold your 2 iron over your head as you walk down the course.

Its going to be about 100 here today and I don't want to work out, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 10:21:17
I'm going to tell you what a taxi driver in Moscow told me on a 95 degree day there (no kidding):  "Whatever you do, don't drink anything, it makes you sweat and you'll overheat."


Those blasted squirrels still won't stop eating through the trash can lids and knocking the cans over, what should I do now?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 10:27:50
Set up a blind with a clear view of the trash can,  shoot 'em and fry 'em up.    I'd use a .22 or maybe a pellet gun.    Nail the tails to your fence and show 'em to the neighborhood kids.

My neighbors don't approve of discharging firearms in a residential area.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 10:37:44
Refer to prior suggestion substituting "neighbors" for "squirrels."

I need new tires, what should I do?



Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 10:55:26
Sneak into Tire America at night,  and take what you need.

I am really sick of the world news,   what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 11:00:56
Move to a different town.


What's the best way to skin a cat?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 11:06:42
Try a chainsaw, of course there is more than one way.

I am having trouble getting motivated today, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 11:21:45
Throw away all the motivation books,   and go to the local bar.

My dog has mange,  what should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 12:16:07
Enter him in a dog show.  He has something none of the other dogs do, which will make him a favorite.

--------------------------------------------------

I hate going through 27 phone trees when I call my 401(k), but they won't let me do everything online.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 12:32:42
Call in a bomb threat to a customer representative.  Threaten to detonate the device if they don't do what you need done right at that moment.  Also, hack into their website and steal some account numbers.  You should be able to set up a routine that moves funds from several thousand different accounts into yours without being noticed.

---------------------------------

What to do when your car starts making a funny sound?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 12:40:08
Turn up the radio.

----------

What should I do when I'm out with my wife and she points to a stunningly beautiful woman and asks, "Do you thinks she's pretty?"

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 12:45:01
Tell her, "Yes, but not as pretty as you used to be."

--------------------------------

The curtains are dusty.  What is the best way to clean them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 13:29:59
Nah. Don't clean them.  Cover the rest of the room with a comparable layer of dust to make it all match.

-------------------------------------------

I frequently find myself trapped in a room with children watching cartoons that actually sap part of your brain out of your ear.  Help!!!!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 13:36:58
Tune the TV to a sitcom and sap the rest of your brain out the other ear.

-----------------------------------------------

It started pouring, and I left the windows and sunroof cracked in my car.  Whaddaya think?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 14:37:19
I think the car needed a good cleaning,  now don't worry about it.

My grandchildren are climbing my drapes,  what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Fri Jun 09, 2006 - 14:57:21
Bring in a cat to show them how to do it right.

I don't want to work any more.  Ever.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 12:16:33
Move to Kentucky and go one Welfare!

I have a headache right now, how do I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 12:27:49
Hit yourself in the knee and in your foot with a sledgehammer.  You will never know about the headache.

--------------

I've been pulling weeds this morning and my back hurts.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 13:59:19
You guessed it!  Medicinal Marijuana.

My wife wants to watch horse racing today, how do I figure out how to get out of watching it with her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 16:49:45
Tell her you really enjoy watching horseracing because it reminds you of the good times you had with your old girlfriend.

--------------------------------

Someone in the neighborhood has left a big boat parked in the street.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 17:41:29
Hook it on to your truck and take it around the corner.  Leave it there with a "For Sale" sign on it.

-----------------------------------

I'm going to a family reunion next week where there will be many people I don't know.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 20:42:25
Walk up to them, hug them all, and say, "I've missed you so much.  Can we let bygones be bygones and be friends?"  When they profess ignorance, act extremely angry and stomp off in a huff.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I keep renting movies that I don't have time to watch.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 20:46:51
Quit your job, sit at home and watch all the movies you want.  Then never return them.  After all, if they sue you, you will have no income with which to pay them.

------------------------

67 people from our church left this morning to go to a youth conference.  Our attendance will be down dramatically tomorrow.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 20:48:42
But I've already quit my job!  That's why I'm so busy!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 21:11:50
But I've already quit my job!  That's why I'm so busy!

Man, all the bad advice I give you is something you have already done!

Try this then:

Just keep the movies until you have time to watch them.  Then take them back to the store and tell them that they didn't work.  If they wan't you to pay for them, start making a scene in the store until the manager finally relents.

--------------------------


67 people from our church left this morning to go to a youth conference.  Our attendance will be down dramatically tomorrow.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 21:14:57
Skip the sermon, and just show movies you've rented, but haven't yet returned.

---------------------

My wife wants me to replace the family room carpet with hardwood flooring.  Sounds like a lot of work.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 21:16:56
Agree to do it, only if she cuts down the trees, turns it into lumber, sands it, and then puts the finish on the wood. 

----------------------------

I need to put the sheets on my bed before too long?  Any creative ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sat Jun 10, 2006 - 21:59:56
I really wouldn't ask about sheets if I were you!  ::help::

An internet friend has threatened to stretch me on a rack and cut off my legs.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 07:44:35
Is his name Procrustes, by any chance?  Drop an anonymous tip to the authorities that he is the leader of a Canadian terrorist paedophilia group that don't like apple pie.

------------------------

How should I clean the interior of my car?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 07:50:46
Or you could just contact Theseus about the Procrustes thing.

(http://www.pccc.cc.nj.us/asrc/readwrit/theseus.gif)

Buy a goat and lock him inside your car for a day or so.  Goats are good at cleaning things up.

------------------------------------

I want to give up the Sunday Morning adult class I teach, but I'm not sure when I should do this.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 09:35:31
(I almost answered your question, and then realized that all the bad advice I give you, you have already taken  ::peeking:: .  Someone else will do a better job, I'm sure.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 11:54:04
Start by walking down the aisle playing an instrument and declare that you now believe that Baptists have the right understanding of baptism.  You won't need to teach that class any longer.

----------------------------

I am really tired.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 12:14:22
Drink more caffeine.  If that doesn't work, try come medicinal cocaine.

----------------------

I have to drive to Morgantown, WVa and back this afternoon.  Every time I do that, it rains cats and dogs.  What should I do to prepare?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 14:05:37
Load the car up with cans of Alpo and Friskies... just in case you need it.

-------------------------------------

I have some things to do outside this afternoon.  But, it is very hot and humid.  Any hot weather precautions I should take?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 15:31:21
Like it was mentioned earlier in the thread, don't drink any water, it might make you sweat, and that will only make you hotter.

-------------------------------

Dealing with my pregnant wife is getting difficult, how do I last the next three months?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 15:36:23
Don't speak to her at all.  She'll understand. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A large number of kids from our youth group were so tired out from the weekend youth rally we went to that they slept in this morning and missed church.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 15:38:58
They really slipped up, I believe you may have to re-baptize all of them.

-----------------------------

I have to get up early tomorrow, how do I accomplish that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 15:56:37
{Comment: I used several entries in this thread in the opening of this morning's sermon, under the title "Mr. Bad Advice".  The folks thought it was hilarious!  Seriously, you should hear the tape...}

Quote
I have to get up early tomorrow, how do I accomplish that?

Don't  go to bed at all - drink tons of coffee, Jolt cola, and Red Bull... You'll be wide awake and bushy tailed for whatever you have to do tomorrow!

------------

I forgot to pick up my son from a youth group function and he waited about an hour outside a locked church building.  Now he's all mad.  How should I make it up to him?

OD

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 16:02:37
From now on, get him every he has to go about an hour early and then pick him up an hour early (especially when he is on a date).  He will never get mad at you for being late again.

--------------------------------

Tonight I have to teach about the justice of God.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 16:19:01
OD,

Anyway you could get a snippet of that tape into an mp3?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 17:22:10
Quote
Tonight I have to teach about the justice of God.  Any ideas?

Object lessons are always good.  Ask for a volunteer to come up front.  Ask if he's ever sinned.  When he says yes, ask him if he was using his hands at the time.  When he says yes, pull out a hatchet and chop one off.


I want to pass James Rondon's post count.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: july8 on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 17:41:32
 ::pondering:: ....... ::idea:: ........steal some cookies.


i am trying to find a dress for someone that is very picky about showing her arms, and legs. ??????


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 18:09:46
A burkha is the perfect thing!


I love eating carrots, but they turn my teeth orange.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 19:03:46
See a dentist.

I need people on my site. Help?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 20:10:35
Sabotage google so that whatever link someone clicks on they wind up at your site.

(By the way, PM me your site and I'll drop by and check it out sometime.  If you link to GCM from your site, Lee would let you post the link on this site.)

--------------------------

My dog stinks, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 21:38:17
Dip your dog in a bath of cologne.

---------------------

There's a swarm of small bugs outside my back door.  How should I get rid of 'em?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 21:49:16
Open the door, and inhale deeply.

----------

My house is a mess... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jun 11, 2006 - 23:05:26
Throw everything in the house onto your lawn.  Your house will be spic and span!

---------------------

My hair is receding at a fairly rapid rate.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 07:16:47
{Comment: I used several entries in this thread in the opening of this morning's sermon, under the title "Mr. Bad Advice".  The folks thought it was hilarious!  Seriously, you should hear the tape...}

I'll be looking for the royalty check in the mail.   ::tippinghat::  ::greed::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 07:20:23
Spurly, it's time to think about a combover.

-------------------

What do I do about tree saplings growing in my gutters?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 07:24:31
Gasoline.  Followed by a source of ignition.  Bottle rockets can work well.

-----------------------------

The construction workers in the development next to hours like to start breaking rocks and other noisy stuff at the crack of dawn.  How to I get them to respect the early morning quiet?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 07:40:24
Some TNT just under the rocks they crack might work.

-----------------------

I have to baptize a heavy person tonight (300 lbs.), any suggestions to make sure I don't drop them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 09:06:10
Some TNT just under the rocks they crack might work.

-----------------------

I have to baptize a heavy person tonight (300 lbs.), any suggestions to make sure I don't drop them?


Try a block and tackle suspended from the rafters.


People say I'm insensitve to others.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 09:39:43
Yell at them and tell them they need to take sensitivity training classes because they aren't being very sensitive to people who aren't sensitive.

-------------------------

I don't know what to say in my Father's Day sermon?  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 10:07:52
Just spend that time reading posts from this thread. They will forget all about father's day.

-----------------------------------

My car shakes when I stop? What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 10:14:53
Don't stop.


They took my driver's license.   How will I get to work?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 10:35:40
Did they take your car, too?  Then what's the problem?

------------------------------------------------

I just dropped a bookshelf on my bare foot, and now one toe is twice as large as the others.  Any legal suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 10:47:13
If thy toe offendeth thee, cut it off.

---------------------------

What do you do when you're in a hurry to get somewhere and you come upon a traffic jam on the interstate?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 11:06:43
Back down the entrance ramp,  and then turn around and go the other way.

I have a inferiority complex,   what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 13:21:07
Try to cover up for it by claiming to have done all sorts of unbelievable things in your life.  Brag a lot.  Make up one tall tale after another, and get upset if anyone doubts you.

------------------------------------------------------

Tomorrow's garbage day, and since I've been rearranging things, I have so much trash it will take a couple of hours to carry it all out to be picked up.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 14:08:40
Spray it all with bacon grease, then leave the doors open overnight.  The racoons will take care of it for you.

-----------------------------------------------

My living room was torn up by racoons.  How to I get back at them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 14:15:53
Lace tonight's leftovers with chocolated Ex-Lax, then leave it out in the yard.

------------

Because I didn't read the instructions, I have broken a small appliance my wife just bought.  Do you think Wal-Mart will take it back?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 15:21:10
Why take it back to Wal-Mart?  I'm sure there are other stores in your area that sell the same item for a much higher price.  Take it back to one of these stores and get a larger refund.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I need to rest, but I want to finish the project I've been working on.  Any legal suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 15:27:13
Staple your eye lids open. The pain will keep you awake. Rest in overrated.

I have a giant cockroach in my house. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 15:31:26
Call Franz Kafka.    He'll write a book about the bug.

My desk is always cluttered.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 16:20:45
Buy a new desk for extra space.

I turned my underwear pink by putting them in the laundry with a red towel. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 16:54:53
Wear them to as gay beach as a fashion statement.


I sold my house for too little. Now I can't afford to buy or rent another one. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 17:00:02
Move back in with the people who purchased it from you.  If (when) they complain, tell them that you have a rare psychological disorder that causes you to become extremely violent if forced away from your home.

--------------------------------

My daughter was frustrated today by an assistant manager who couldn't comprehend that, if you present an identification document from column A (her passport), that she doesn't have to show a document from column C (Social Security card).  What should she do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 17:05:05
Reach over and turn teh paper upside down so that column A is in the place of column C.

------------------------------------------

I have just printed 1000 flyers with teh wrong date, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 17:16:34
You should "accidentally" drop them in the dishwasher. Take them back to the printer and tell them that their ink is too runny and you need a full refund!



My cousin has a "cussing" problem. He slipped and called his boss a @$#%^&&!!!! the other day. How can he get out of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 17:51:23
Tell his boss that he's from Texas, and that's just the way everybody from Texas talks.  Hey, it worked for George.

--------------------------------------

I just woke up from a nap and discovered I had turned into a giant bug.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 18:44:29
Find a student putting together a bug collection.  Have him stick a pin through you and attach you to his board.  He will have the most unique bug in the class.

------------------------

I would like to find a wife, any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 20:32:31
Go to a website about Russian Brides and then go to Russia.  At least when they nag you, you won't be able to understand.

--------------------------------

I just found out that because I disagreed with a certain poster on another board, that I am a "Concerned Members" MSOP Fundamentalist Cofc'er.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 21:20:27
Post the website of a nudist camp and invite everyone to attend and bring their families.  Inform them that you will be bringing name tags for everyone to wear so that you and the folks on that board can really get to know each other better.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My son is about to graduate from college and still has no idea what he wants to do with his life.  What should I do? ::shrug::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trinity on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 21:35:30
Tell him to take a few years off and come live with you for free.




I don't have insurance and I am broke.  I have a tooth that needs to be taken care of, have any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 21:54:12
String.  Car bumper.  Enough said.

------------------------

I have an arthritic toe.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 21:55:14
Just ignore it... it'll go away.


My friend was assigned as a missionary to a nudist commune. What method of evangelism should he use?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 22:02:20
He/she should start by running around naked with them yelling, "Yes! This is what God had in mind for earth all along! This is how we were in the Garden of Eden!"
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 22:15:30
An administrator responded in this thread, but forgot to include a new request for bad advice.  What should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 22:23:06
We should make the administrator read the three very long threads about instrumental music every day for a week!

------------------

I want tickets to the Dallas Mavericks vs. Miami Heat but can't afford them.  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 22:56:32
Buy a box of Miami Heat and Dallas Mavericks jerseys. Go to the local YMCA and squint.


I need to mow the lawn but I don’t have any gas for the mower. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 22:58:56
Buy (or borrow) a herd of goats.  When your neighbors complain tell them that you are saving the ozone layer by not running the motor on your lawn mower.  Offer to lend your goats to your neighbor as well.

------------------------

I don't like peas, but most people who invite me to come to their house for a meal serve me peas.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 23:03:43
Just throw the peas on the floor under the table when they're not looking.  They'll never notice!

-------------------------

Sometimes when it's late at night, my contacts become stuck to my eyes and hard to remove.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 23:06:04
Open a can of 10w 30 and pour it into your eyes, it will get those contacts moving again!

_____________________

My eleven year old neice would like me to go to her dance recital, but I can't make it.  What should I tell her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Mon Jun 12, 2006 - 23:53:11
Just tell her the truth... Dancing is of the devil!

----------

My wife, my middle son and I all have terrible colds... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 07:07:40
Turn down your air conditioner until ice forms on the walls of your house.  Freeze it out.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I have a million things to do before I leave, it's time to go out the door, and yet I sit here typing.  What's wrong with me?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 08:52:13
A typing computer virus has gone through your keyboard into the tips of your fingers.  There is no anti-virus software for it.  You need to destroy your keyboard and computer. 

---------------------

Doctor says I am under too much stress, any ideas to help relieve the stress?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 09:58:11
Run to the nearest ditch of quick sand,  and lay back in it.   You will forget all your stress.

**********************************************************

I just dyed my hair and it turned out purple.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 11:16:45
Put on dark eye shadow and wear black clothes to go along with it.  Go for the Goth look.

------------------------------

There's a drummer that lives across the street from me who sometimes plays the drums loudly late at night.  How should this be addressed?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 11:32:52
Air horns.

______________________________

I've been trying to talk to this person for over a week and he won't return phone calls.
Any suggestions?


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 11:43:01
Isn't there some service that will deliver a dead fish telegram to someone's house?

------------------------------------

I have to go, but I'm dreading getting in the car and driving.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 11:49:48
Ride your bike. Helps the cardio and the stress. Plus who cares if your an hour or so late?


_____________________________


I just got a case of diarhea while sitting in the pulpit waiting to preach. What should I do? (This really happened to me before). ::preachit::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 12:05:22
Just say "Go ye means go me!", and run off the stage.  Quickly.

______________________

What's the best way to remove a tick from a dog?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 12:28:04
Chainsaw.


Wait... did you say "log" or "dog"???

------------

I'm having no luck giving away the kittens our cat had a few weeks ago.  What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 12:31:57
Play kitty cat softball, a fun wholesome family game!

------------------------------------------

What should I do about the neighbor's barking dog?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 12:46:29
Refer back to the advice BOG gave about squirrels a few pages abck and substitute "barking dogs" for squirrels.

My cell phone doesn't have all the latest features and therre is still almost a year left on my current plan, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 12:55:09
Just pretend you have the features when you are making a call by saying things like. "hold on I have another call" and "oooh a text message just came in!"

I just swallowed a half of a bottle of Listerine, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 12:56:54
Mix the other half of the bottle with orange juice.  Now you have some screwdrivers that clean your gums!

--------------------------------------------------------------

I need some kitty cats to play kitty cat soccer, how do I get em?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 13:04:21
Go to the SPCA and tell them your intentions.

I threw my back out trying to lift a piano. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 13:05:59
You are already started off with half a bottle of listerine, now get your hands on some medicinal cocaine!

---------------------------------------------------

What is the best way to make my daughter behave?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 14:36:26
Give her your car, credit cards and cell phone and tell her to go wild.

I got arrested for holding some medicinal cocaine...what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 17:30:47
Offer to trade in your supply of medicinal marijuana to get it back.

---------------------------------------------------------

A sparrow keeps landing on my car and using the door as its personal Latrine.  What can I do about this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 17:45:40
Set your car with a hair trigger explosion device. It gets them everytime!


___________________________


My priest is having an affair with a nun after vespers in the rectory. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 18:18:45
Sell tickets to watch as a fund raiser for the parish.
___________________________

My hedges need trimming.  Thoughts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 22:05:08
Go down to the tattoo shoppe and mention the fact that you've got medical marijuana growing down among your shrubberies.


Father's Day is coming up.  What if I don't like what my family gets me?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 22:20:44
Get a new family.
________________________

How do I keep my clothes from wrinkling in the suitcase?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 22:27:16
Wrinkle them before you put them in the suitcase.  It's gonna happen anyway, why wait?

-------------------------------

I am halving problums with my spelling, I thinc it has to do with a lack of propper educayshun, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 22:31:01
Move to West Virginia.  We have the country's best education system here.  It's so good, many students take a full fourteen or fifteen years to get their diplomas instead of the wimpy 12 in other states.

---------------------------------------------------------

I want a house like the one at the top of the last page of the New Picture Game thread.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 22:33:01
Contact Pee Wee Herman.  It costs extra for the genie head in a cabinet and the talking chair.

---------------------------------------------

The magic word for the day is baptism, how do I get people to scream when I say the magic word (done in my best Pee Wee voice)?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 22:55:36
Move to West Virginia.

[Jerry, if you move to West Virginia, you will increase the average IQ of both states.  hee hee...]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 23:01:31
(He doesn't live in Michigan anymore, does he?  I think half our population moved there in the sixties.  Some people blame us for Detroit.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 23:09:46
Contact Pee Wee Herman.  It costs extra for the genie head in a cabinet and the talking chair.

---------------------------------------------

The magic word for the day is baptism, how do I get people to scream when I say the magic word (done in my best Pee Wee voice)?

Jab them in the eye with a sharp stick.


I'm leaving on a 3 week vacation Thursday and I haven't started packing.  What should I bring?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 23:18:29
$50,000 in small bills, and don't put your name on the suitcase.  It would look suspicious if someone found out you were carrying that much cash.


How can I ever afford to take a 3 week vacation?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 23:40:56
Mastercard, Visa, Discover, American Express . . . repeat as often as necessary.


An armadillo has been visiting us each night.  He makes a lot of noise and digs up the flowerbeds.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 23:50:11
Nothing.  He isn't real; Armadillos are mythical creatures (although I have driven through Armadillo, Texas a couple of times). 

------------------------------------------------------

The gnomes are back, and this time they're dancing on my computer screen.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Tue Jun 13, 2006 - 23:55:29
Call for back up.   NO!  DON'T BACK UP!!


What should I get my preacher for 'Father's Day'?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 06:50:48
Get your preacher a catholic priest uniform.  That should go over well.

----------------------------------

What should I get tidbit's preacher's wife?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 07:41:37
Do some shopping at Victoria's Secret -- THAT should go over well

____________________________________________ ___________

I have a pile of overdue books from the library.  How can I get out of the overdue fine?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 08:18:29
Change your name and social security number. Move to a new address and then return the books as another person, all the while saying I don’t understand people who can’t return books. Let them know that you found these at your front door in a basket with note saying looking for a good home.

--------------------------------

My van has a leak but I can’t afford to get it fixed. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 08:40:04
Duct Tape should fix it. 

---------------------------------------------------------------

I stay up too late sometimes and have hallucinations involving gnomes.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 08:58:33
Whatever you do,  don't close your eyes for another 24 hrs. and the hallucinations should go away.  Take No Doze, and drink lots of strong coffee, and drive around late at night.


My friend's kid is out of control,   what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 09:01:47
It's your responsibility to discipline him or her.  I would suggest building a cage out of barbed wire in your back yard, kidnapping the child, and incarcerating him or her.  Your friend will thank you for this.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The sun is shining outside, and it's a beautiful day.  help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 10:43:15
Start a fire in your neighbors garage. It will get your mind off of it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't stop saying "who me?".
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 10:46:50
Just ignore all questions.



My friends husband left her for the postman. What should she do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 10:50:07
Try to get a discount on postage stamps.


I hate my job. what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 11:00:39
Try to get a discount on postage stamps.


I hate my job. what should I do?
That's hilarious!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 11:03:32
Try to get a discount on postage stamps.


I hate my job. what should I do?

Go Postal!

------------------------------

I am now worried about FFC going postal, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 11:05:38
Send hate mail to FFC. Sign it "Sincerely, your biggest fan." It may not calm his psychotic rage, but it'll sure feel great!



Summer is approaching (beach time!) and there's no way I can fit my Speedos. Should I wear them anyway?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 11:11:03
Sure. People will just think you are smuggling baby seals.


I'm getting all this hate mail...what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 11:54:53
Hey, just ignore it. No one ever follows up on all those death threats, racial slurs, bomb plots, or stalking plans anyway.




I have a bad roach problem. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 11:55:50
Re-roll the roaches into one big doobie!  Hey, its medicinal!

-----------------------------------------

My eyes are killing me, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 12:00:42
If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out.

____________________________________________ ____-

I seem to be having a problem with depth perception.   Any thoughts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 12:03:41
When driving, just keep going until you hear a crunching sound.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't have as much to complain about as I usually do, and I'm getting bored with the tranquility.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 12:10:50
Write to all of 435 Congressman and Senators to find out what new laws are being written.  You will find a lot to complain about.  Then write a letter back about each complaint, and with each complaint threaten to defecate on their doorstep if they do not vote against the law.  Sign the letter James Rondon.

-----------------------------

I have to teach the whole book of Psalms in 45 minutes tonight.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 12:17:37
Hey stay out of deep ocean water!




Is chocolate pudding really good for sunburn?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 12:52:38
Only if you eat as much as you slather on -- and the good news is that the more you eat, the bigger you get and the more you have to slather on!  Be sure it's not low-fat for best results.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need to paint my daughter's bedroom but don't have the time.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 13:27:03
Fill some super soakers with paint, find a monkey, and let him make some art.

---------------------------------------------

I am constipated, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 14:22:59
Fill up some super soakers with an enema and have someone fill up your intestines.  You will soon be unconstipated.  (Written as much as possible to make this post rated G).

--------------

The Jehovah's Witness keep leaving flyers on my door.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 14:31:08
Answer all there questions and statements with , "I know you are, but what am I?"



How can I get a date with Tyra Banks?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 15:07:56
You have to do something that will really impress her.  Like having her portraint tattoo'ed on your chest in vivid colors and then stripping your shirt off and threatening to jump off of a tall building,  She'll see you on TV when the news crew shows up.     Then she'll say -  "What a manly man;  I'll send him my phone number."    After they let you out of the asylum,  you can call her.

I don't think I need anybody's advice.   What should I do.


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 15:11:03
Make up a phoney problem and then complain about the answer you get.

All my hair fell out. What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 15:16:00
Go out and buy some oxblood-colored shoe polish.   Cover your head with it.   Then put on some clear acrylic floor wax  and buff it up.    I think it'd look great.  Don't you agree?

Whenever I ask for advice,  I get some crackpot reply.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 15:52:10
Stay out of crack houses or make sure you wear a belt when you fix the plumbing in the kitchen sink.


How can I convince my wife she's the luckiest lady in the world?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 16:35:48
Get a Tyra Banks tattoo and threaten to jump off a tall building.   She'll realize how good she had it.


I keep responding to bizarre requests.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 16:48:17
Strip off all of your clothes and run screaming into the woods.



My eyes hurt from reading so many posts, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 16:54:12
If thy right eye offend thee . . .


I keep repeating myself.  Any suggestion?

I keep repeating myself.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 17:31:48
Nope. I don't see anything wrong.

Nope. I don't see anything wrong.




I need a lift to the airport tonight.

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 18:08:32
Call the FAA and ask them if they'll pick you up.  Lighten the mood by joking that you have a great idea for a terrorist plot involving the plane you need to catch.  They love good jokes, and I'm certain they'll get a kick out of that.  Someone should be along to pick you up at that point. (Although, I'm not sure they'll be taking you to the airport.)

---------------------------

I think hornets may be building a nest outside of my house.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 18:13:20
Wait until the hive is completely built.  Take everything off except for a pair of shorts.  Then go out and start tapping on the hive with a broomstick.  Tap on it harder and harder until you drive all the hornets out of their nest.  Once they are gone, stand by the nest for two days to make sure they don't return.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 21:27:01
Spurly broke the game by not asking a question.  What should we do to him?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 21:31:22
Force him to live in Oklahoma!

---------------------------------------

I think I saw James Rondon on That 70's Show, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 21:43:12
Write an article about him and submit it to the Spiritual Sword.



I keep seeing women with mustaches.  What's the deal?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 21:43:50
It has something to do with Jason Grimsley, I think. 

------------------------------------------------------------------

I keep trying, but I just can't picture myself on a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and a marmalade sky.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 22:00:31
"Re-roll the roaches into one big doobie!  Hey, its medicinal!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can I get my husband to do more romantic things for me, like bring me flowers?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 14, 2006 - 22:20:08
Go out and see other men in order to make him jealous.  Flirt with other men and he will soon be more romantic just because men like competition.

-------------------

Sometime I forget things (like writing a question), how can I improve my memory?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 10:12:58
Chalkboards. Write it over and over and over and over again on the chalkboard. Any chalkboard will do.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have this married woman I have never met flirting with me. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 10:17:21
Tell her you can't do anything until she divorces her husband.


My head is swelling at a rapid pace.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 10:47:06
Don't worry about it. It just means your getting smarter.



There's never enough chicken left at the pot-luck. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 10:51:44
Stop eating chicken.  As I've said before, If God had meant us to eat chickens, he wouldn't have covered them with feathers.

------------------------------------------------------------

I need to take a typing test, but the arthritis in my fingers is decreasing my speed by about 15 wpm from what it usually is.  How can I overcome this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 11:00:34
steal somebody elses typing test and put your name on it.


I just came out of Wall mart and I can't find my car.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 11:10:44
Find the biggest vehicle in the lot - an SUV like a Hummer or something - and climb up on top of it.  It will give you a great bird's eye view of the parking lot, and you're sure to find your car!  If the owner of the SUV happens to come out, ask them to give you a ride to your vehicle.

------------

The crafts we ordered for VBS are back ordered and will not arrive in time for us to use them.  What should we do as an alternate?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 11:28:55
Play-doh, lots of it.  And send some home with the kids, too!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't decide what to eat for lunch.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 11:36:56
Chocolate shake, Chocolate cake, Chocolate pudding, Chocolate ice cream, Chocolate candy, and Chocolate covered crickets. Wash it all down with some Hot Chocolate and cold Chocolate milk. Use Chocolate flavored chewable Ex-Lax for any symptoms of discomfort, bloating, or indigestion and you'll have the greatest lunch ever! (Just make sure a well stocked fully functioning toilet is close by)





I ate too much Chocolate for lunch. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 12:38:28
You can never eat too much chocolate,  so continue eating all of the above over and over 'til your stomach explodes.    And then you will feel so cleansed and relieved and ready for more chocolate.   Don't give up on eating chocolate, it's the best food group we have.


The birds are eating my flowers,   what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 12:45:14
Plant bird-eating flowers. That way your solving your problem and environmentally sensitive and conscious.



How can my friend who is a polygamist stop cheating on his third wife?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 13:01:19
He should just marry the woman he's cheating with.  Then, it wouldn't be cheating anymore.  It will solve the problem.  He's already a polygamist, after all.

------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes my stomach growls during meetings.  This can be an embarrassing problem.  Suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 13:41:21
Look outside the window and tell everyone you see a pack of hungry growling wolves.



The print shop I use is closed for the week and they have some business cards I need. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 14:54:09
Just write yopur name and number on the backs of your business associates hands until you get the new cards.



I lost my only striped tie. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 14:56:11
Get a magic marker and draw stripes on some other tie you have.   Nobody'll notice.

____________________________________________ ___________________________

It's too hot in my office.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 15:04:22
Call the ice company and have 10,000 lbs. of ice delivered to your office.  Just let it sit there until it melts.  This would also be a good time to call the meat company and order a side of beef.  You will be able to keep it on ice in your office for at least a week.

---------------------------------

My ex-girlfriend lives 30 minutes away from my new house.  She is now married.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 16:37:26
Rent a billboard with your photo and the headline, The One Who Got Away.



I have a sermon to preach this Sunday but nothing prepared. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 17:14:38
Just cancel services because you have no word for the people.  It will go over well.  They might like it so much that they want you to do it more often.

--------------------------------

I don't know how to pronounce Greek of Hebrew words but want to use them in my sermon.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 17:36:16
Use English words instead.


How many diet Cokes should I drink in a day?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 17:40:34
None unless you have Bacardi, then drink one every half hour.




My neighbors house was just robbed by some neighborhood kids. What should she do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 19:22:18
Form a vigilante group and arm them with rocket launchers.  Then go to the house where the people live who stole from your neighbor and fire at least 20 rockets into the house.  For good measure, fire 20 rockets into every house in the neighborhood.

--------------------------

I have to preach a funeral tomorrow, but don't know what to say.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 15, 2006 - 19:30:51
Spurly, did you used to live in Philadelphia?

As to the funeral, I'd just tell a lot of jokes.  People are so somber at those things.  If the deceased is a college graduate, tell jokes that make fun of his alma mater.  Then make fun of his family.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

After looking at my post count,  I'm afraid I'm trapped in a time warp.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 08:50:14
Buy a DeLorean drive it really fast at an old clock, at just the right moment lightening will strike and you'll be back in your correct time.






What's the best way to get rid of Athlete's Foot?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 08:56:12
I think you're supposed to treat it by soaking it in a tub of water, then, without drying it on, putting on three layers of socks, and putting cowboy boots on over the socks.  Then go sit in a sauna for a while.

-------------------------------------------------

I just wasted fifteen minutes writing a satirical reply to a pm from BH.  How can I avoid doing this in the future?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 09:53:15
type faster



I have to go to NYC again next week.  How do I avoid traffic and running over pedestrians?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 10:06:19
Quote
Spurly, did you used to live in Philadelphia?

lol. I think he may have been talking to Wilson Goode. :)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 10:09:52
JMG3rd, Walk.  Duh.

-------------------------------------

I've become addicted to this game http://www.netives.com/Games/Marbles/Play.shtml (http://www.netives.com/Games/Marbles/Play.shtml) and can get nothing else done.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 10:12:11
Don't worry. Just quit your job and have fun.


My cat started talking to me last night. Is that bad?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 10:39:06
You should do everything your cat says.   It was the dog that got the Son of Sam in trouble.


I have to drive a long distance tonight and I'm afraid I'll get sleepy.   What to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 10:44:56
Amphetamines mixed with a gallon of expresso should do the trick.


My house is on fire. Should I try to put it out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 11:16:22
No, no way.    Just grab a lawn chair and gather the neighbors and have a wiener roast,  and enjoy the fireworks.   There are bound to be some.



My dog has worms,  what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 11:39:40
collect a bucket full and go fishing.  ::sick::


What should I do about my nosey neighbors?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 11:57:52
Quote
Spurly, did you used to live in Philadelphia?

lol. I think he may have been talking to Wilson Goode. :)

Never lived in Philadelphia, why do you ask?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 12:22:25
Take out an add in the local paper and publish their pictures with the heading...

"Watch Out For These People They Have No Business Of Their Own So They Want To Get In Yours!"



A coworker is stalking me. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 12:55:09
Turn the table and start stalking him.  To add to the fun, find a locksmith who will get a key made to his house and sneak in while he is gone and put picture up all over the house of different serial killers.

-------------------------

I ate too much for lunch when I was supposed to be on a diet.  What should I do now?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 13:21:32
Since you've already messed up your diet, go on and splurge with a banana split. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My supervisor really gets on my nerves with her micro-management style.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 13:29:35
Start stalking her.

My car is just fine, but I want a new one.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 14:56:02
Quote
Spurly, did you used to live in Philadelphia?

lol. I think he may have been talking to Wilson Goode. :)

Never lived in Philadelphia, why do you ask?

Google "Wilson Goode" and MOVE
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 15:04:52
Steal one...you avoid all the haggling and it's fun.


How can I get rich fast?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 15:37:36
Call your old buddy Donald Trump and tell him you're in need of cash,  he'll come through for you.    No sweat, just a bank account for you.

My job is getting boring,  what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 18:25:53
Ever heard that old song, "Take This Job and Shove It!"?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't decide what to fix for supper.  Any suggestions? ::readytoeat::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 22:05:49
Two words -- "Pot Pie"

The Grace Centered board is running Really slow tonight -- what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 22:23:33
Shoot your computer screen. That way you don't have to worry about the virus that's making GCM slow infecting your computer.




Homeless people are always asking me for money. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Fri Jun 16, 2006 - 22:40:23
The last thing they need is your money.  I've found that homeless people really enjoy six-packs of Bud Lite.


I'm getting sleepy.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 00:35:16
Take five Tylenol PM's with a can of Red Bull!



I can't stand the widow women at church any thoughts?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 07:45:59
Encourage them to become members of the Red Hat Society.  Then they can annoy complete strangers in restaurants.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a friend who keeps inviting me to become a member of her Red Hat Society.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 09:30:44
Go to a meeting dressed in a rat costume, and say, "Oh!  I thought this was the head rat society."
__________________________

It's going to be really hot today in New Mexico.  How should I keep cool?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 09:53:21
Wear a heavy coat to keep out the heat.


Tomorrow is Father's Day.  How should I treat my children today, so that they will want to honor me tomorrow?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 09:56:05
Encourage them to become members of the Red Hat Society.  Then they can annoy complete stangers in restaurants.
rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 09:59:01
Wear a heavy coat to keep out the heat.


Tomorrow is Father's Day.  How should I treat my children today, so that they will want to honor me tomorrow?
Tell them that as of next week you're sending them to a military academy Venezuela.


I have to go to the grocery store on a Saturday, which I normally avoid like the plague.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 10:19:50
Take the kids with you, and let they have everything they want.  Come home with at least six varieties of sugar cereal.


My wife wants me to help with the laundry.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: jerseygirl on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 10:34:24
Put 5 boxes of Tide detergent in an oversized load of clothes. She will never ask you to help her with laundry again.

My doctor says I am psychotic. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 12:30:52
Enjoy it!  You now have a diagnosis that allows you to behave however you want to and excuse it by saying, "Well, I can't help it because I'm psychotic!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to eat a bowl of cereal and have discovered I'm out of milk.  What shall I do?!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 15:24:09
Beer always works great.


I can't stand when babies cry during the sermon. How can I shut their squeaky little mouths?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 19:48:32
Put your fingers in your ears and scream at the top of your lungs.


I can't find anything good on TV.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Sat Jun 17, 2006 - 20:57:58
Pretend your TV is a radio. Then you will only find bad things on the radio and the TV will be fine.


We leave on vacation tomorrow but I haven't packed. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jun 18, 2006 - 16:51:09
It's probably too late to give you this advice, but don't take anything.  Be spontaneous.  Just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens.  Planning ahead is for the birds.

-------------------------------------------------

The driver I follow in NASCAR has yet to win this year and I am getting depressed.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 01:13:37
If you follow NASCAR you deserve to be depressed!  ::doh::




I am working on the next great American novel. What subject should I use?




Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 08:33:26
Gambling.   You are taking such a chance anyway that it will be the next Great American novel,  that you should have many chapters to write.



I am trying to give up sleeping,  what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 10:39:24
take a nap and see if you get the answer in your sleep


I can't find my car keys. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:03:03
Buy a new car.

My secretary's going on vacation for a week.  How do I get my work done?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:14:34
Tell the post office to return all of your mail, and have the phone lines disconnected.  That should slow business down for a while.


My secretary keeps bugging me while I'm goofing off.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:23:24
Send her husband an e-mail stating that you believe she is having an affair with the mail room guy.

I have no social life.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:25:10
Join the neighborhood bridge club.





How do I find a time machine?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:29:59
Beelze-Bush has one.   Check with Marc for proof.  But watch out for the hurricane generator.

I don't feel like doing my work.  What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:31:45
Does your employer have worker's comp?


When I get stopped for speeding, is there anything I can tell the police officer to get out of a ticket?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:39:01
Tell him you have a gun; he'll forget all about the speeding ticket.

I'm tired of watering my yard but it hasn't rained in 3 weeks.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:44:14
Fertilize.


Paper or plastic?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:47:36
Neither, just carry everything in your arms.




How do I cure my constipation?


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 11:53:44
Eat lots of cheese.


Do I want fries with that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 12:10:24
Yes.

McDonalds or Burger King?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 12:13:23
Convenience Store.


What is the ideal number of pets?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 12:14:19
9,000,000!

Tacos or Burgers? (I love food.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 12:16:52
Combine them in a salad and then you have your taste and responsible diet all in one!





Where should I go for weight loss?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 12:18:22
Diets................................

Baseball AllStar game-- who should I vote for- Ben Sheets or Chris Carpenter!?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 18:10:15
Both, they are the same person. It's all done with lights and mirrors.

There is a big storm coming. Should I shut my windows?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 18:23:12
No, man.  Gotta air out that house from all that medicinal marijuana.

---------------------------

Buncha wimmens probably want to skin my hide after saying that women in the eldership is a pre-cursor to the homosexual issue coming up in churches, and will probably accuse me of being in cahoots with Beezle-BOG.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 21:22:55
Just tell them to get back to their sewing and cleaning and leave the important things to men. That should ease the situation.



Is it alright to flatten the preachers tires if I don't like his sermon?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 21:37:58
That all depends.  If I am the preacher, no.  If I am not the preacher, and his sermon was full of a lot of hot air, maybe.  But you have to stand there by the car and let him know who did it and why it was done.  Otherwise it was just a wanton act of vandalism.

------------------------

Two of our kids at church camp this week have lice, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Mon Jun 19, 2006 - 22:37:04
two words:  Ice Pick

I have to drive four hours one way for a 30 minute meeting, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 08:19:43
Fly instead.  And try to use your frequent flyer miles for this last minute trip.  Insist on using the least possible amount of miles, and if told that summer travel tends to book in advance, tell the reservationist that this is why their airline is going under, and you'll never fly that airline again.  And by the way, you want to make a reservation to Kaui for the weekend before the fourth of July holiday while your at it, and you want to use the 15,000 mile, short distance special.  And you only want the daytime flight on the return, and you want to sit on an exit row aisle. Then insist on speaking to a supervisor, but before being transferred, ask the reservationist to hold, and lay down the phone and make them listen to you holding a ten-minute conversation about your personal business on your cell phone.

Not that I ever had anyone do the above while working as a frequent flier reservationist....  ::whistle::

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm leaving in a few minutes to buy a bookshelf.  Any suggestions as to what to buy?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 09:27:35
Two words -- blocks / boards  [Spray paint can make them look real fancy]

The place I have to go [4 hour drive - 30 minute meeting] has no airport within 200 miles.  What else can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 09:34:20
Drive about 95 miles an hour. 

--------------------------

I am having trouble  ::smile:: posting without  ::stillonline:: using smileys.  What should I do?   ::cryingtears::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 09:40:30
Go on a smiley fast.  I have been on one since I started here and am doing fine.

My dog has allergies and chews or scratches herself bloody all the time, what can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 09:47:04
Get a cat for your dog to chew on instead.  Cats are great toys for dogs.

-------------------------------------------------------

Its nice outside, but I have to work, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 09:56:51
"accidently" set off the fire alarm where you work and you'll get to go outside.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

My garbageman is unreliable.  He didn't run at all last week, and I'm afraid he's not going to run today.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 10:01:51
Throw your trash in the back yard.  Who really uses the backyard anyway?

--------------------------

I work at home (today) and there is no fire alarm for me to pull to go outside, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 10:08:38
Take out a wall.  You can build it back if the weather turns.

--------------------------------------------------------

I believe that a direct deposit that was put into my bank account is about $700 too much.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 10:15:10
Call the bank and tell them it should have been $l,400.00,  and sit back and enjoy the good fortune.  Who cares if they never find the mistake.   It's your good luck.


The strawberries I bought were not ripe on the bottom.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 10:17:49
Go out to your garden and plant them.  Then dig them up in a week or so.  They should be ripe.

----------------

I need to leave, but I'm waiting for the mail, and it's late.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: jerseygirl on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 11:10:24
Hunt down the postman and let him know that he is to never be late again, or you will buy an attack dog to attack him every time he is late.

My dog won't stop biting me. He is just a pup, but has sharp teeth. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 14:56:32
Buy a steel mesh glove and let him have at it.

It is too hot outside -- what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 14:57:51
Get Naked! just like ENTP.

---------------------------------

There are a bunch of people becoming nudists from this site because its hot outside, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 15:00:59
Get with the program and never, ever tell them that their bodies aren't beautiful.

I want to go shopping all the time,  and I can't ,  what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 15:22:55
Just use credit! By the time you pay it off you'll be dead!




Whats the quickest way to buy a home?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 15:40:46
Buy a medal detector and go all over your neighborhood looking for treasures.  Jump your neighbor's fences and look in their yards as well.  When the detector goes off, never stop digging until you find the treasure.

---------------------

There are no homes for sale that I like in Stilwell, and I don't want to go through the hassle of contracting one to be built.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 16:47:15
Find a banker friend who will help you forclose on someone's mortgage.

---------------------------------

My mailman has taken out a restraining order against me. How do I get my mail now?
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v710/marcshoe/posthorn.jpg)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 19:09:56
 Use this ::parrot:: and then use this ::snowman:: Don't ask what it means ...just do it!  ::threestooges::

I can't find my father....what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 22:42:02
Use this ::parrot:: and then use this ::snowman:: Don't ask what it means ...just do it!  ::threestooges::

I can't find my father....what should I do?


Chances are, he's been abducted by Thurn und Taxis, or their modern-day equivilant, the US Postal Service.  Fight this by refusing to use the postal service.  W.A.S.T.E.   (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v710/marcshoe/posthorn.jpg)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sometimes fill my posts with allusions that people aren't likely to understand, particularly allusions to Thomas Pynchon's The Crying of Lot 49.  Should I continue to do this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Jun 20, 2006 - 23:30:19
Yes -- it is not annoying because no one cares.

I find all of these mysterious allusions annoying, what should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: jerseygirl on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 10:30:44
Keep reading them, and get more annoyed till you tear your hair out.

I am convinced I am a bad employee at work, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 14:22:18
Go to your boss and inform him of all the reasons you are a bad employee.  Then, you'll be fired and won't have to be concerned about being a bad employee.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I always get sleepy about midafternoon, but can't take a nap because I'm at work.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 14:44:42
Two Words.  Medicinal Speed!

-------------------------------------------

What do I tell the fellar who mistakenly believes that Hillary Clinton is a good candidate for President?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 15:09:00
Encourage him to vote for her.  If enough people vote for her she'll be elected then there will be no doubt about how bad she will be.

I miss Marc's mysterious allusions.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 16:41:51
You seem conflicted about your feelings regarding Marc's mysterious allusions.  Maybe you should review all threads for each one he has presented, dissecting each one in detail, and PM Marc about them.  That would keep both of you busy for awhile, anyway.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I like to eat at church on Wed. night for the fellowship, but the food is terrible.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: boringoldguy on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 16:46:58
Bring your own food and say in a loud voice "I just can't stomach anymore of the swill you people call food."

People avoid me at Wed. night fellowship.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: jerseygirl on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 20:52:54
Next Wednesday nite, give them all 1000 dollars each. They won't be avoiding you for long...

I have a sore in my nose, and I have to use Hydrogen Peroxide to clean it out. The pain goes down to my two front teeth when I have to do this. What should I do? (Note: If anyone REALLY knows what to do, I welcome your PM.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: winky on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 21:38:07
Apply the hydrogen peroxide directly to your teeth. The cleansing effect should then go up to the sore in your nose.

My nearly 6-month old won't take a nap for longer than 30 min. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 21:40:26
Medicate yourself with a few shots of whiskey.  Then you won't care.
_____________________

My wife thinks I spend too much time on the 'puter.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 21, 2006 - 21:47:08
Get her one, too, then tell her to send her complaints via email.


I've got more work than week and month than money.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 00:13:41
Find a homeless person on the street who is unashamedly drunk and give some of your most important work to him/her.  To solve the second problem, start panhandling to earn extra cash.  Standing across the street from your church on Sunday mornings holding a sign that says "Almost Homeless, need help" should do the trick.

-------------------

I had lasik surgery about 9 or 10 years ago when my sight was 20/700 and now my sight seems to be drifting from 20/20 to about 20/25.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 15:29:18
squint


my hair is thinning in the front. Is this normal?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 15:46:48
No.  It's a sign that you've been abducted by aliens, and they have implanted a device in your forehead that causes your hair to fall out.  Get a butcher knife and dig the thing out.  DON'T SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT THIS; THEY CAN'T BE TRUSTED!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm being followed by black helicopters.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 16:34:01
Wear a tinfoil hat to keep away their mind-control rays.  ::tinfoil::
________________________________

My grass needs cutting, but it's too hot out.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 16:47:19
Buy a herd of goats.  Problem solved.

--------------------------------------------------------

My neighbors are complaining because my goats keep getting out of my yard and into their flower beds.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 17:22:44
Install high intensity lights and loud warning sirens that will be triggered every time your goats stray out of your yard.  Your neighbors will appreciate it.

-----------------------------

I just saw in the news that the business I just resigned from three weeks ago so I could take my 401(k) early and pay for grad school, is closing in August. I know that they will be offering good severance packages.  Any way I can cash in?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 17:58:27
Yes.  Steal the identity of one of your co-workers and then have their severance checks deposited in your account.  This works best if you break into their house and still their checkbook, wallet and all their important files.  You need to do this while they are home, just in case there are some files you can't find - they can direct you to them.  If they were your co-workers you should be on friendly terms with them and they will be more than happy to help you out with this endeavor.

------------------------

Marc is calling me from jail, asking me to come bail him out because his co-workers I thought would be friendly turned him in.  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 18:42:46
Go right over with the money, but in the meanwhile tell him to dress up like a girl so the male prisoners won't hurt him.


I have a butcher knife stuck in my head. Will I be okay?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 19:03:08
You'll be fine.  But there is a risk of infection, so connect the knife to a power outlet to cauterize the wound.
___________________________

If I leave the windows down on my car while I'm at work, it rains.  If I leave them up, the sun heats up the seat to a jillion degrees.  How to I keep it cool without getting it soaked?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 22, 2006 - 20:52:20
Go to the store and buy 20 bags of ice.  Before you leave your car, dump the ice in the seats.  That will keep the car cool.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I'm going to be house-sitting for my sister next week while she & her family are at Myrtle Beach, and she doesn't have a computer.  How will I cope with the withdrawal?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: tidbit on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 10:23:45
Wear a tin-foil beanie.  Then they won't be able to track the chip they implanted in your head.


Every time I wear my tin foil beanie, I get pulled over by the police.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 10:51:16
Listen carefully:  They're Not Really Police.  They just want you to think they're police.  They are really THEM!  Grab their human-masks and pull them off, revealing their true alien faces.

--------------------------------------------------------

People keep telling me I've lost touch with reality, but I know they're only saying this because aliens have taken over their bodies.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 10:58:46
Retreat to a cave in the mountains of West Virginia.  Get away from anyone and everyone who has been taken over by aliens.  Live instead in seclusion eating wild berries and shooting anyone who comes near your cave.

--------------------------

Evidently, according to Buff, I am living outside of God's will since I am a "paid minister".  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 11:11:23
Change your title to unpaid minister who gets some money on the side to pay bills, but who is without question an unpaid minister.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I changed my title to unpaid minister who gets some money on the side to pay bills but the church decided not to give me the money on the side? Anti-benovelance I guess. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 11:16:30
Abscond with the church funds.  You've earned them.  I hear Venezuela is nice this time of year.

-----------------------------------------------------

My cave is grimy and full of spiders and bugs.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 12:03:01
Begin eating them.  They are a good source of protein.  They are much better eaten raw than they are boiled, roasted or fried. 

-------------------------------

I am teaching a class on grace Sunday night, and some of the people present might think they are good enough to deserve God's blessings and don't need grace.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 13:36:32
Play a recording of Jonathan Edward's "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" to them over and over at a very low, subliminal level, while you're teaching the class.
_________________________

My car is due for an oil change, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 13:38:41
Use EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil) and a dash of cayenne.


My wife's van needs a paint job, any DIY suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 14:07:15
Why scrimp!?  Buy her a new car!

---------------------------------------------

I can't decide.  M&M plain or M&M peanuts?!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 14:16:29
Why do you have to decide?  By a one pound bag of both and devour both bags in one day.  As a matter of fact, keep this up for a month straight and then make a new movie.  Instead of calling it "Supersize Me" you could call it "M&M me".  You could show how a diet of just M & M's lead to higher cholesterol and much weight gain.  Donate all the money you receive for this film to Hersheys!  That will really get M & M/Mars upset.

---------------------------------

My grandfather is celebrating his 86th birthday next week.  I will be seeing him tomorrow and want to do something special for him.  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 14:19:26
Take him to the funeral home and help him pick out his casket! 

----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm feeling guilty for suggesting such a thing even in jest.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 14:23:46
Send Spurly a gift certificate for a plot to make him feel better.


Suddenly have third degree burns from a freak thunderstorm in my office.  How should I treat them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 14:27:05
Rubbing alcohol. 

------------------------

Can't seem to keep up with my reading glasses.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 14:55:13
Just quit reading, Connie.   You are smart enough.  No use worrying about glasses.


I can't decide between a Mercedes   and a Roll-Royce,  what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 14:58:46
Go for the Lamborghini
_________________

I keep giving people bad advice when I should be working.  How do I quit?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 15:13:14
quit working and try making a living at giving bad advice.


I'm going through a mid lfe crisis. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 15:18:45
Buy a red sports car and have an affair.  Why be different?!

---------------------------------------------------

I can't seem to get back into an exercise routine.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 15:20:49
Go to whoever Starr Jones went to for help.



It's really humid and hot.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 16:14:56
I believe you live in NYC.  If that is correct you need to find a public fountain and go sit in it with only your swimsuit on.  Stay there until you are arrested and tell the police you were just trying to keep from having a heat stroke.

---------------------------

I like megachurches, but am finding out from others on this board that they are sinful.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 16:18:17
Not NYC, over 100 miles north, but I'll take the advice just the same. ::smile::

-------------

Plant one with a Chinese Sunday buffet called Happy Panda Super Buffet Church.  Just replace the little Buddhas with statues of St. Joseph people can bury upside down so their house will sell sooner.



I've got one phone call to make from jail (the fountain thing was a fiasco).  Who should I call?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 16:39:55
Call Spurly.  He got you into this mess!

------------------------------------------

I work in a clinic and we have a problem with folks letting their children run wild while they are here.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 16:57:58
Shoot them with a tranquilizer gun.

--------------------------------------------------

What do I do about them Crackers?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 17:41:00
Smash em up and put em on top of your macaroni and cheese.


I belong to a mega church and feel like I'm an infidel now...am I?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 18:14:28
BH  (Barry H Manners) has a Infidel website he'll fix you up with.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I have felt sluggish all day, but my blood sugar, which I was blaming, is normal, so I think I must have Bird Flu.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 18:36:56
Stock up on bird seed.
____________________________________

My wife and daughter just went to pick up pizza, and left me at home alone.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 18:42:04
Rearrange as much furniture in the house as you can before the return.  Especially do this in your daughter's room and in the living room.  Switch the drapery in each room as well if you have time.  Maybe even swap the furniture in your daughter's room with the furniture in the living room.  That would be a hoot.

---------------------------

I am considering investing in a brita water filter.  What do you think?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 19:11:00
Just drink lotsa beer instead.

-------------------------------------------

All that teenage girl music referred to as CCM is really annoying me.  What do I do about those people that actually listen to it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 19:26:35
Play them a  Stryper video.  That should be enough to shock them to their senses.

---------------------------------------------

I keep forgetting to eat supper.  How can I remember? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 21:23:13
Skip supper.  Go over and help twd rearrange all his furniture.  That sounds like a lot of fun!

-------------------------------------------------------------

My husband wanted me to buy citronella candles to burn while we sit out on the deck in the evenings, so I did.  Now he complains because of the smoke.  How can I possibly please this man?!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:17:22
Tell him to melt the candles and pour them all over himself...that'll keep the bugs away and there'll be no smoke.



I love air conditioning, but I've got a few friends who think it's from Satan.  What to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:20:18
Play an instrument on Sunday during worship.  No one will ever talk to you about air conditioning being from Satan again.

---------------------------------------

I need to consolidate my student loans but its getting close to the deadline to do so before the rate goes up, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:23:46
Instead of consolidating them, go to a loan shark and get a loat at 25% interest to cover all of your student loans.  Then decide not to pay your student loans off, and instead go to Fiji with the extra cash.

----------------------

I want one of those old fashioned swim suits that covered your whole body from your neck to your ankles but I can't find one.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:25:23
Just swim in the nude, hey, it works for ENTP.

------------------------------------------------

My congregation is starting to have praise teams, and I really can't stand them, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:29:20
Sing loud and off key.  No one will notice the praise teams, all attention will be directed at you.  Then the congregation will think the praise team is doing such a bad job, they will drop the new fangled idea.

------------------------

I always sing loud, and most of the time off key.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:30:41
Be a pastor or a preacher and stand up front.  People will notice you.   ::crackup::

-------------------------------

How do I tell my pastor/preacher that his singing blows goats?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:34:19
Send an anonymous email to the whole church talking about how his singing "blows goats".  Then send the same email to all the area churches.  The more the news spreads before he finds out, the better.   ::lurking::  ::gossip::

-------------------

We have six baptisms on Sunday, but we don't have enough baptistry robes.  What should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BH on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:36:29
Send an anonymous email to the whole church talking about how his singing "blows goats".  Then send the same email to all the area churches.  The more the news spreads before he finds out, the better.   ::lurking::  ::gossip::

-------------------

We have six baptisms on Sunday, but we don't have enough baptistry robes.  What should we do?


Since you are washing away one's sins, let them get baptized naked.  Since they have no sin after their baptism, it is okay for them to walk around naked afterwards and shake wellwishers hands.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:40:53
Send an anonymous email to the whole church talking about how his singing "blows goats".  Then send the same email to all the area churches.  The more the news spreads before he finds out, the better.   ::lurking::  ::gossip::

-------------------

We have six baptisms on Sunday, but we don't have enough baptistry robes.  What should we do?


Since you are washing away one's sins, let them get baptized naked.  Since they have no sin after their baptism, it is okay for them to walk around naked afterwards and shake wellwishers hands.

I was told that the early church actually baptized in the nude and then when they came out they put on new clothes to symbolize their being clothed in Christ.  Don't think we will do that, though.

----------------------

Since BH forgot to ask a question, here is another one.  What do I do about the kissing bandit at church?  She always wants to plant one on me?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:42:23
Eat lots of onion and garlic and conveniently forget to brush your teeth.

--------------------

What do I do about people who forget to ask a question?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BH on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 22:46:20
Sorry Spurly.

Should I introduce FCC to my Infidel site?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jun 23, 2006 - 23:18:35
Yes, by all means.

-----------------------------------

I'm trying to resist the temptation of a bedtime snack.  Any suggestions to help me be strong?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Jun 24, 2006 - 09:16:39
Don't go to bed for eight hours.  Then it is no longer a bedtime snack, it is supper!  Eat all you want!

---------------------------

I have to change my oil, but I don't know how to do it.  Suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 24, 2006 - 09:39:13
The oil's in your engine, so the first thing you want to do is take your engine apart.  If you don't have the right tools, a chainsaw will do.  Then, find whatever oil is in there, remove it, and replace it with the concoction mentioned earlier.  Good luck putting the engine back together.

----------------------------------------------------------------------


The company picnic for the place I used to work for that just announced its August closure is today.  Should I go by and cheer them up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 24, 2006 - 09:45:45
Yes, and take a stack of "Wish you well" cards make of pink slips of paper.  They'll find that hilarious!



Our family could do with a little more income for the next several months.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Jun 24, 2006 - 10:10:05
Three Words!  Sell medicinal marijuana!

--------------------------------------------------------

I should be doing some housecleaning for my pregnant wife but I don't wanna.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jun 24, 2006 - 10:22:38
Give her a mop with a big bow on it, yell Meeeerrrrrrrryyyyyy Christmas!  and hit the door with your golf clubs in tow.  She'll be overwhelmed with appreciation, I guaroowwntee.


My wife thinks I don't understand women, how can I show I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jun 24, 2006 - 21:08:29
spend the next 30 days dressed as a woman, and only answer to the name "Dorothy".  This will get rid of all questions she has about you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have to print the bulletin, but i just ran out of ink.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Jun 24, 2006 - 22:49:59
Find an old bulletin and use it instead.  It will work well if it was a bulletin from several years ago with old announcements, etc. in it. 

--------------------

My dog goes nuts when fireworks go off.  Some just went off outside.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 16:15:41
Tie some to his tail and set them off.  You need to get him desenitized and prepared for Independence Day which is just around the corner.

--------------------------------------------------------------

When I went to the bank this week, I stepped in some wet putty where they had patched the sidewalk without putting out a warning sign or anything for those of us who would be walking there.  Ruined my perfectly good work shoes.  Then, somehow I managed to also get some on my slacks, as well.  It won't come out.  What should I do?!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 16:38:30
roll the whole outfit in the same putty that should make it match perfectly.


My son keeps telling me it's time for church but I want to play this game what should i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 16:46:01
Get the GameBoy version so you can take it to church with you.
___________________

It's been raining all weekend, and my grass is growing like crazy.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 18:26:42
Bale hay when the sun finally shines!

----------------------------------------------------

I'm cooking up all these fresh vegetables for supper and now my husband tells me he has an upset stomach!  What am I gonna do with all this stuff?!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 21:47:45
Blend it with Pepto Bismol and serve it to him anyway. Tell him it's the latest product to help upset stomachs called "Pepto pudding."


My son has a big pimple on his nose. How can he get rid of it before his big pageant date?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 21:56:47
Get a knife out and dig the pimple out, down to the core.  If it leaves a hole in his nose, just fill it in with putty and cover it over with make-up.

-------------------------

I love to play basketball, but I am getting to old for all the running.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 22:02:28
Take up golf, its an old man's game.

-------------------------------------------------

Old people and golfers are probably mad at me  now, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 22:03:57
Play anyway. Who needs knees?


Love to eat chocolate. hate to gain weight. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 22:08:21
ExLax.



I need more fiber in my diet.  Any shortcuts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: FFC on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 22:14:26
Eat your hemp welcome mat.

I've been invited to the infidel site...should I go?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jun 25, 2006 - 22:18:37
Yes.  Go and tell them all that they are not really infidels, instead they are enlightened and that they are the true light bearers today.  Tell them they will never have to accept Jesus.

(Again, in light of James 3 I want to remind everyone this is "Bad Advice".  I don't want to be a teacher subject to a stricter judgment because of this "Bad Advice", if you want my good advice, PM me).

-------------------

The students led our service today and some people think they were too "excited" with all their jumping around during one of the songs (i.e., motions that went along with the song).  What should I tell them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Mon Jun 26, 2006 - 09:12:36
Put on your most ecclesiastical face and tell the complainers somberly that the kids have epilepsy and apparently their medication levels are off.

------------------------------------------

I am tired of my dress code at work.......tired of wearing navy and khaki and white all the time.......tired of limiting my jewelry choices and nail polish colors based on someone's archaic notion of "what looks professional."  Do you see any way out of this distressing dilemma?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jun 26, 2006 - 09:18:27
Fill a super-soaker-type water gun with flourescent pink paint, take it to work, and shoot the paint all over everyone's clothes.  Then explain that what you're wearing looks much more professional than what they're wearing.

-------------------------------------------------

I want to drive to Parkersburg, but it won't quit raining, and I don't want to make the trip in the rain.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jun 27, 2006 - 08:39:42
Start digging a tunnel from your house to Parkersburg.  If someone protests about you digging under their property, accidently cause the tunnel to form a sink hole right under their house.

----------------------

I would like to go to a Texas Rangers baseball game, but don't think I will be able to this year, any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jun 27, 2006 - 12:42:20
Buy enough Rangers jerseys for an entire Little League team, and outfit them.  Then, make the kids all change their names to each of the Rangers players.  It'll be tough if the Rangers make a trade, but, life is hard.  Then, you can go watch them play locally.
________________________

It's been raining almost continuously for four days now.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Jun 27, 2006 - 13:51:50
Quit your job and start building a boat -- you have about 36 days left.

The dog barks all the time, what can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Tue Jun 27, 2006 - 14:15:25
Call it a cat then the cat will be barking all the time and not the dog.

---------------------------------------------------------

My vacation is coming to a close and I don't want to go back to work. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Jun 27, 2006 - 14:53:51
quit and become homeless in the place of your vacation.  How bad can it be to be homeless in a resort?

My cat barks all the time, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 00:31:55
Buy a very big dog, don't feed it for days, and then introduce him or her to your little barking friend.

--------------------

I am dealing with an irrational customer at work... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 07:09:56
Give him a Christian tract.   ::smile::

----------------------------------------------------

I gave one of my irrational customers a Christian tract.  She didn't respond well.  Now I'm in trouble with my employer.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 07:20:32
Give your employer a Christian tract.
_____________________

My dog likes to charge through the middle of the vegetable garden to bark at rabbits.  How can I stop him?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 07:51:49
Surround your garden with razor sharp barbed wire.  Too make sure it works, send a couple rabbits through your garden and encourage your dog to chase them.  After a couple of times he probably won't do it again.

-----------------------

My house needs to be vacuumed, but I don't feel like it.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 09:39:20
Wait for a windy day and then open the front and back doors and let nature take its course.

OK back to the barking cat.  I bought the big dog, but the barking cat [which is really a dog that I am calling a cat based on previous bad advice] beat up the new dog which now cowers in the corner.  Now I have a barking cat and a cowering dog what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 09:44:42
Get a tiger to go in the mix and let nature take its course.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I am helping in the preschool class at VBS and it's hard on an old lady like me.  I just don't have the energy and stamina I need to wrestle with a group of 2&3 year olds!  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 09:57:52
Carry a pellet gun and use it.  That'll get the little criminal's attention.

OK, I got the tiger.  But it thought the barking cat really was a cat and they seem to have bonded.  The tiger ate the new dog, but I am having a hard time keeping it fed and the house training is not going well at all.  The Barking Cat [a dog] is still barking.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 11:17:40
Sounds like you don't need any pets.  AK-47 should solve the problem.

-----------------------------------

My husband didn't plant okra in the garden this year.  I love okra!  What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 14:01:37
get some macoroni, paint it green and wait until it gets a little moldy to give it a fuzzy texture then pretend its okra.

The AK 47 took care of the tiger.  And the cat/dog is so intimidated it quit barking.  But now I have a 500 lbs. tiger carcass to dispose of.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 14:04:12
You again!? ::smile::  Well, it's almost the 4th of July, so I'd say, have a barbecue!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm having a lot of family over for the 4th of July.  Any suggestions for the menu (other than tiger)?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 14:05:24
Nothing but beer

------------------------------------------------------------

I love to worship with instruments and I feel its my mission to introduce them to all the CofC's in the USA, what's the best way to accomplish that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 14:09:53
Contact Mistergus and see if you can get an article in the next issue of "The Spiritual Sword".

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I bought a watermelon and when I cut it, I found it wasn't quite ripe.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 14:15:45
Use it as the base for watermelon salsa.



I have a nice, juicy, sweet ripe watermelon, and don't think I can finish it.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 14:22:06
Put it in the cupboard and save it for next year.  Refrigeration is not necessary.

Planning a tiger barbecue.  What kind of sauce goes with tiger?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 16:06:58
Cat-sup, of course.
______________________

We've received over six inches of rain since Saturday, and it's about to rain again.  How can I make sure my basement doesn't flood?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 17:38:24
Cover all entrances with Press'n Seal

I went to the store and could not find any cat-sup.  Would Ketchup work instead?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 17:56:13
With regard to the Ketchup/catsup controversy, consider this website. Unfortunate choice of name but potentially useful device.

http://www.catsupcrapper.com/
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jun 28, 2006 - 20:21:56
Overall, you must remember that ketchup is just another illiteracy creeping into the English language. I would advise Dennis to go to his local grocery store with a permanent marker and correct the spelling on all the catsup bottles.  Then point out what you have done to the store manager and wait for your commendation.

-------------------------------------------------

It looks like I am going to have to take the PPST, which I thought I could get out of, and my math skills have deteriorated to the point of nonexistence.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 06:59:22
Cheat.

------------------------------------------------

There is a lot of strife and dissension at work.  How do I keep from getting involved?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 07:31:24
Take both sides.  Argue for one side one day, and the next day be just as adamant in your stance on the other side.  Change sides everday, people will think you are a loon and they won't involve you.

-------------------------

I am meeting with the new Methodist minister in town today, any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 07:35:28
Lead off with a fiery indictment of the mess in Methodist leadership.  Follow it up with a discussion of the evils of paedobaptism.  Then, after running through the five-finger exercise, offer an invitation.
____________________

My deck has molded from all the rain we've had here in Maryland.  How do I clean it up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 07:42:52
Fire, Fire!

---------------------------------------

I had some guy give me the one finger exercise the other day, how do I respond?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 07:52:47
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a finger for a finger.

----------------------------

Sometimes I have trouble getting up in the morning and being at work on time.  Any tips?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 08:46:51
Stay up all night, then you don't have to get up to go to work.
_____________________

I'm having trouble staying awake at work after staying up all night.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 09:01:19
Two words, Medicinal Speed!

-----------------------------------------

I am having trouble sleeping after taking speed, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 09:21:00
Go for a long drive at a speed of 90 mph or greater.  Roll you windows up and turn on the heater while your driving, and put in a cd of sitar music. 

---------------------------------------

While practicing up on cheating techniques for the PPST, I discovered that my original school was able to locate a copy of my old ACT score, and it was high enough to get me out of taking the PPST.  How do I get over the dissapointment?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 11:57:33
Burn your old school down so there will be no record of the ACT and you can still use your newly acquired cheating skills on the PPST.

---------------------------------------------------------

Took Spurly's advice .  Now people at work think I'm a loon and they all go to lunch together and don't invite me. ::cryingtears::  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 13:12:04
Start treating them all nice, and bake 'em some "ex-lax" brownies.

---------------

My brakes were real squeaky, then they stopped squeaking.  Now when I stop I hear a sound like something real heavy being dragged over gravel.  Should I be worried about this?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 13:31:07
Nah!  I wouldn't worry about it!

----------------------------------------------

My husband complains that I never notice when something is wrong with the car.  How can I get him off my back about such trivialities?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 17:05:49
Start complaining about imaginary problems with the car.  Make things up.  That'll get him off your back.

------------------------------------------------

I need to drive to Parkersburg to set fire to Ohio Valley University, but I just got in from mowing and am too tired.  By tomorrow, they may have mailed my test results, and it will be too late.  Any suggestions? 


(btw, if the FBI monitors this site, we could all be in trouble.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jun 29, 2006 - 17:18:49
(Thanks, you just helped my security clearance along, I'm sure.)

Send an e-mail to the president of OVU, and ask him to do it for you.
_______________________________

I have books due at the library, but I also need to mow my yard now that it finally quit raining.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 01:01:32
I am dealing with an irrational customer at work... Any suggestions?

Give him a Christian tract.   ::smile::

I already did give her a Christian tract, along with a Bible. I even spent a little time witnessing to her, although that didn't go as I would have hoped...
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 09:35:46
As to the library books, ignore it, its too expensive for them to chase you over a couple of books.

Back to the tiger barbecure

I tried going to the store and re-marking all of the Ketchup bottles "catsup" and I got arrested for trespass and vandalism.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 12:02:28
Take advantage of the time in jail to get to know the other prisoners.  Tell them you're really interested in getting to know them personally.
______________________

We have two families from church moving this weekend, but I have projects at home I want to get done.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 12:05:28
Invite them to come over and work on your projects together.  That way you can spend time with them, and get your projects done quicker.  If they say they have to pack up their belongings, tell them they are being self-centered and Jesus told us not to store up treasures on earth anyway.

-------------------------

Galoogan is driving people crazy, what should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 12:10:30
TALK LIKE THIS, IT SEEMS TO WORK!

-----------------------------------------

My sister is coming to visit soon, and the house is a wreck, how do I get my wife to clean it up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 12:57:24
Promise her you'll read Vogue and Vanity Faire daily to improve your understanding of women.






The sun keeps coming up. How do I stop it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 13:25:29
Your problem is not a new one.  Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun.  I would suggest, instead, building a contraption that will block the sun's rays. This man may be able to give you pointers. 
 (http://learning.cc.hccs.edu/Members/cschweitzer/images/mrburns.jpg) 
 He is easy to find; he currently runs United Airlines.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't keep from making snide remarks about my former employers, even though I left on good terms. What should I do?

 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 13:29:29
Take up shooting skeet.


Bad advice is contrary to Rick Warren's God's purpose for me.  How can I change this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 13:38:43
Write a book in which you explain that there is no purpose for our lives, that we are only pawns in God's great game of dice.  Mix two or three other metaphors in if you can.  Call it The Pointless-Driven Life

----------------------------------------------------------

My attempts at humor are falling flat.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 19:13:34
As a moderator you could inbed some sort of laugh track in all of your posts so that even if the reader doesn't laugh, the post will laugh for them.  If you are really technologically savvy you could inbed some sort of device in your posts that will detect laughter on the part of the reader, and if the reader does not laugh will send a virus through the internet that will destroy his hard drive.

------------------------

Marc just destroyed my hard drive, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Fri Jun 30, 2006 - 23:07:49
Don't laugh.

--------------------

I'm dealing with a lot of pain because of a wisdom tooth... Suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Sat Jul 01, 2006 - 08:46:44
Watch the movie "Castaway" and follow Tom Hanks' example [which as I recall involved an ice skate blade and a big rock]

I  posted bond over the trespassing and have invited some of my new "friends" to the tiger barbecue [provided they bring their own sauce [i have given up on the ketchup/catsup controversy].   Question: what is the best way to cook the tiger?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jul 01, 2006 - 11:27:34
Serve everybody two or three beers.  Build a really big wood fire, and let it burn down to charcoal.  Meanwhile, dice the tiger into half-inch cubes.  Do the same with two or three bags of potatoes and onions.  Get some aluminum foil, and make up hobo meal packets of tiger, potatoes, and onions, and put the packets into the hot coals.  Allow to cook for half an hour or so, depending on the heat of the coals, and the size of the packets.  Serve some more beer.  Pull the packets out of the fire (I recommend using tongs, but, with enough beer, your fingers may work).  Drink more beer.  If you're still hungry after all the beer, apply catsup or other prefered tiger sauce, and enjoy.
_______________________________

I have several hundred hobo meals cooked up that nobody wants to eat.  What should I do with them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Jul 01, 2006 - 22:38:07
Put up a sign in front of your neighbor's house that he will be giving free meals to the homeless at 2:00 AM.  Inform them to knock loudly if the door is locked.

-------------------

Fireworks are keeping me from sleeping.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Sat Jul 01, 2006 - 22:40:34
Go over to twd's neighbors.  They aren't going to be getting much sleep either.

----------------------------------------------

I can't sleep for no apparent reason.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jul 01, 2006 - 22:42:48
(I didn't realize you were my next door neighbor, Connie!)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 21:28:52
Well we could go back to medicinal marijuana

I decided not to do the hobo meals and decided to barbecue the tiger on a spit instead.  Now the ASPCA is after me for killing the tiger and the US Fish and Wildlife Dept is after me because it was some kind of rare Siberian tiger.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 21:30:18
Eat the evidence fast, don't leave any over until morning.  No evidence - no charge.
--------------------------

I just finished eating, but don't want to wash dishes.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 23:12:40
Keep eating...

--------------------

I want to take my kids fishing on the 4th, but I think that everyplace that we would go would be too busy... Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: DCR on Sun Jul 02, 2006 - 23:19:10
Pick out a spot next to your city's sewage treatment plant.  It shouldn't be very busy there.

---------------------------

The grass in my front yard is turning brown from the hot, dry weather.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 07:01:52
Turn on Lite Version. Then youll go crazy.

I cant find anythingg to dof ro my birthday What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 09:13:53
Go run a mile for every year you are old.

I got the ASPCA snoops and the Fish and Wildlife investigators to help me eat the tiger [with KC Masterpiece sauce enhanced with copious amounts of red pepper] How do I dispose of the bones? And what do I do with the big pit I dug in the back yard to roast the tiger?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 09:21:44
Preserve the pit as a tourist attraction, erecting signs explaining that this was the impact site of a strange, glowing meteor that emitted a radiation that caused everything around it to grow to hundreds of times its normal size.  Set up an exibit with the bones, explaining that they are the remains of a housecat that wandered too close to the meteor.

------------------------------------------

I need to go get fireworks, but the air conditioner is out on my car and the temperatures are about to hit 90.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 09:52:45
Set off a couple of roman candles in the car on your way back.  You won't worry about your AC.

I set up the tourist attraction as suggested.  Now I need more parking.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 18:31:39
Use the neighbors' driveway.  They won't mind.

----------------------------------------------------------

My husband has mown the yard, but weedeating needs to be done.  I hate to nag, but we have company coming tomorrow, so I really want it done.  (I can't ever keep the weedeater going or I'd do it myself.  Honest!)  How can I diplomatically get him to weedeat when he gets home?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 18:57:52
Leave the weedeater leaning outside the door aith a note that says "I'll unlock the door and give you a key to the new lock when the weedeating is done."  [Note you'll have to change the locks as well.]

This tiger thing is getting to be more trouble than its worth.  I have started using the neighbors driveways for parking and that seems to work for now.  Now my dog is barking at all the guests [refer to prior posts to see how I acquired the tiger in the first place].
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 22:22:32
If your dog bits anyone, advertise the whole thing as an eXtreme sport/experience.  It'll draw even bigger crowds.

---------------------------------------------------

When I went to buy fireworks earlier today in my air conditioner free car, the temps hit 90 and I melted into a puddle.  I have not yet turned back into a solid, and, being a liquid, typing is very difficult.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 23:25:36
get one of those plastic covers to protect your keyboard

I can't think of any thread in the Theology forum I care to participate in -- what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jul 03, 2006 - 23:28:00
Find the one that you'd least like to participate in, and tell everyone there how they are wasting valuable bandwidth, and should go get a life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I waste too much valuable bandwidth.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 06:43:58
Go get a life.

------------------------------------------------

I don't even know what valuable bandwith is.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 08:11:15
Get a laptop with a wireless card, and go find the nearest neighbor with an insecure wireless router.  Log in, and start downloading mutiple gigabytes of stuff, which you immediately delete.
__________________________

My car has a parking lot scratch on the door that is starting to rust.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 08:19:52
Paint the whole car a rust color.

____________________________________________ _______________________________
My dryer keeps eating my socks.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 11:32:08
By socks in threes so you always have an offering

I told the folks on theology to get a life and BOG yelled at em what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 12:09:02
PM bog privately and try to work it out.  I'm sure he'll see your view point.


I'm constipated.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 12:59:26
Medicinal prunes.  In large quantities.
_____________________________

I've been out working in the yard, and now I'm soaked with sweat.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 16:01:19
Buy a new parking door and hope its compatible.

LOLROFL WHAT SOME IRONY THERE!
I have trouble
[/b][/i][/u][/s][/shadow][/glow]typing wit h
without
       using some nifty trick.
 ::eatingpopcorn:What should I

                                                                                                          do
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 22:54:07
Teach your dog tricks, and then let him do your tricks for you.

-----------------

My dog is so scared of the fireworks that I can't get her to go outside and use the bathroom.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 23:14:03
Stock up on tissue and rug cleaner

My dog loves fireworks and doesn't want to come back in -- what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Tue Jul 04, 2006 - 23:23:58
Light an M80, and play fetch...

--------------------

I have a bad canker sore... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 00:16:08
Lots and lots of salt.  The best way to solve it is to lance it first, and then pour on the salt.

-----------------

My mouse ball needs to be cleaned, but I don't have time.  Any solutions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 06:09:05
Let your mouse do it for you.

I have trouble thinking of questions. What should I do?  ::noworries::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 07:49:37
Pop a handfull of really strong sleeping pills so you can get some very good rest.
____________________________________________ _________________________

I'm having a yard sale next week but haven't had much time to pull out old items or price anything.  Have any ideas or shortcuts to share?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 10:36:27
Yeah. Tell em to come inside your house.

Bring the yard with you.

I 6think question marks are obsolete. What should I do
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 14:03:15
Put all your question marks in brackets so everyone will know you are only using them because you have to.

There is fireworks debris all over my yard.  I don't want to clean it up since I didn't shoot any.  What do I do[?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 15:01:10
Gasoline.  Match.

--------------------------------------

It was raining too hard last night for me to set off fireworks, so I put it off until tonight after church and invited people over to watch.  Now it's raining again today, and I don't think it's going to stop.  What should I do$[in lieu of outdated ?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 15:17:39
Get a large tent. Dive out of the way.... oh yeah and get a bomb protection suit.

I thought I undestood something John Kerry said! PLEASE HELP ME! What do I do[?]

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 15:36:25
CONVERT!!!!

----------------------------------------

I had to cancel an interview for a job that I couldn't have taken anyway, though I would have liked to have had it under other circumstances, because they rescheduled it for a time when I couldn't have shown up.  Should I be happy, sad, or just confused?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 15:56:12
Be happy!  I gave you manna!  And, given a choice, always take the happy option!

------------------------------------------------------

Now that manna's back, I'm drunk with power.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 16:22:02
pm Lee and insist that you, and only you, be allowed to smite people as well.

---------------------------------------------

I need to get to church early tonight to rearrange my classroom and get rid of an unwanted table someone stuck in there.  What should I do with the table?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 16:27:53
Move it back to where it came from.

--------------------------------------------------

I broke a fingernail down to the quick.  Ouch!  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 16:37:45
Break them all to make them match.

--------------------------

I have a table that I need to return to where it came from, but I don't know where that is. How do I find out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 16:41:35
CALL 911

---------------------------------------------

My hair is driving me crazy!!  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 16:54:44
Consult the "FOR WOMEN ONLY" thread.

-------------------------------------------------

My across the street neighbors have moved and my dog is in mourning.  The new neighbors have 2 snooty little dogs who won't play with my dog.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 21:56:49
Someone once suggested I solve my dog problems with a tiger -- might work for you as well, and when the problem is solved I have a good recipe for tiger barbecue sauce

I want to take a year off -- should I?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 22:17:35
Of course not! With a job like yours you should work seven days a week and put in overtime!


I hate French people. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 22:40:42
Ask everyone in your family to help you by wearing those little berets and saying oui-oui at least 100 times a day.  If you get tired of this, watch Peppy LePieux - everyone's favorite French skunk.  You will have to watch him 24 hours a day for a week.

-------------------------

I don't want to store up treasures on earth, any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jul 05, 2006 - 22:49:15
See if you can get some foreign country, such as France, to shoot all of your treasures into space.  I think they'll do it for a fee.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I dressed up in a robe tonight and answered questions asked by my Bible Class students by choosing random scriptures and applying these to their queries.  Now they want to lock me up.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 07:33:51
Let 'em.  It'll be nice being waited on by those smiling young people in white coats.
_________________________

The umbrella for my deck furniture is falling apart, and is no longer functional.  How should I replace it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 07:52:11
Pray for a tornado so  it will blow away and then you can collect the insurance money

My patio cushions need replacing but I can't seem to find any that I like.  What should I do?

 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 08:43:54
I hear spray paint works well, the cheaper the better.

____________________________________________ ________________

I have to do laundry today but don't want to.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 09:36:56
Love the laundry till you want to!   (I figured I beat someone else to it! ::smile::)


What's the best way to get red paint off of your clothes?


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 10:23:51
Paint them black (I hear cheap spray paint works well, lol).

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the best way to get an obnoxious person off your back?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 10:46:34
Paint 'em with cheap spray paint.
_________________________

How to I deal with a creditor who duns me for late payment when I have a credit balance?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 13:34:54
when they call, speak in a foreign language so they get frustrated and leave you alone (doesn't even have to be a real language, just gibberish will do)

----------------------------------------------------------

I can't seem to keep up with my reading glasses.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 13:43:13
Superglue them to your face.

---------------------------------------------------------------

What should I do about disliking my best friend's rude husband?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 14:31:06
Describe in detail how his rude behavior is bothering you and tell her what you think she should do to fix him.

--------------------------------------------------

I am a little self-conscious about the space between my two front teeth.  What should I do?


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 15:54:45
Practice spitting through it, until you become an expert spitter.  People will respect you for it, especially since that skill is rarer with women.
__________________

How do I keep my dog from tracking in mud when it rains?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jul 06, 2006 - 16:28:38
It is a little-known fact that ink instantly removes mud, so put a pan of ink outside the door whenever it rains, that way the dog will have to wade through the ink before coming inside.

---------------------------------------------------------
The site for the addictive marbles game I've been playing is down, and I'm going crazy.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 07:26:15
Send e-mails threatening violence to the site administrator.  Be sure to CC your local police department, as they'll be happy to back you up.
___________________________

The construction workers building the housing development near us make lots of noise early in the morning.  How do I get them to stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 08:06:28
Put blue paint on it, then you have green!

I think Brad Pitt is overrated. What should I do[?] Oh wait, I'm right.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 08:50:17
I think you weren't on the last page when you made that post, Follower.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 08:59:35
No, fthb is right.  The best way to get them to stop making noise is to dump gallon after gallon of blue paint on them.  Well, dumping isn't practical.  Use a Super Soaker.  Construction Workers enjoy these types of games.

Oh, and fthb should protest by dressing as Angelina Jolie for a week.

---------------------------------------------------------

I had a disturbing dream about a giant rattlesnake with a metallic rattle last night, and now I'm afraid to go back to sleep again.  Ever.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 09:06:02
Get a job working the night shift in addition to your regular job.  You might as well profit financially from your dilemma.

------------------------------------------------------------

I have exercise equiment in my basement that I never use and every time I go into the basement now I feel guilty.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 09:09:40
Don't go into your basement.

------------------------------------------------

People on this board keep taunting me about getting a job, even though I'm voluntarily unemployed while waiting to know what my school schedule will be.  What should I do about this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 14:14:46
Get a job to comply with our reasonable expectations of how you should live your life.

I want to participate more in the substantive discussions in the Thoelogy and General discussion forums but find the topics irrelevant to me or boring.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 14:17:28
Write your own threads in Latin.  Or better, make up your own language.  Then attack anyone whom comments in any language other than that as an imbecile.
______________________________

My wife called from a pay phone to say she has a flat tire, but left her cell phone at home.  How to I get her to keep her phone with her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 14:38:57
Refuse to go help her unless she first walks or takes a cab home, gets her cell phone, then walks or takes a cab back to her flat tire and calls you again, this time from her cell phone.  That's a lesson she won't soon forget.

--------------------------------------------------

I have to go trim the lawn with the push mower, but I have an injured foot.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 15:24:18
Why mow?  If God wanted short grass in the yard, he wouldn't have created it to grow.  (My son's philosophy!)

--------------------------------------------------

It is Friday afternoon.  Just 2 more hours to work, but time seems to have stopped.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 16:17:29
Someone in your office is messing with the fabric of space and time.  Is there a couch in your office?  That's a sure sign that this is happening.  You must plug the hole that has been punched in the continuim before it's too late.  Find the couch and chuck it out the window.  That should solve your problem.

------------------------------

I am fast approaching post number 10,000, and would like it to be significant.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 16:23:56
How about a thread on IM? ::frustrated::

--------------------------------------

Marc and I are tied for manna.  How can I forge ahead?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 16:28:22
Ask Nevertheless.  She has found a way to steal manna from other people, and is now at around 48.

If that doesn't work, start a thread saying you've converted to Islam.  That goes over big.

--------------------------------------------------------

I'm studying up for my big IM thread.  Any suggestions for resources?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 16:31:03
How about the latest issue of "The Spiritual Sword"?  It is a fine publication, you know.

-------------------------------------------------

My dog needs a bath, but it's a real hassle.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 16:32:23
Quote
I'm studying up for my big IM thread.  Any suggestions for resources?

Connie beat me to the answer, but I must add that Piney.com is always a great resource for IM information.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 20:08:17
Connie, as to your dog, try the washing machine and dryer.  He [or she] will only be dizzy for an hour or so.

I just read a thread where I agree with somebody, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 21:03:52
Play the devil's advocate.  If you're too agreeable, you won't fit in. ::crackup::

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I am trying to sell a bedroom suite by placing an ad in the classifieds.  One lady called and said she would be by this evening at 6:30 pm to look at it, but she never showed up.  I'm peeved.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jul 07, 2006 - 21:14:13
Wait until 3 AM, call her and ask why she hasn't shown up yet.  Tell her you're still waiting.

----------------------------------------------------

Well, the fireworks display is over, and I don't want to wait another year to have another one.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Sun Jul 09, 2006 - 16:52:14
Make it a weekly event, instead of an annual one!

----------------------------------------------------------------

My son is dating a girl with piercings and tatoos.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jul 09, 2006 - 16:56:36
Tell him you hate her, that will make him not like her anymore.

----------------------------

My wife wants a tattoo, how do I talk her out of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Sun Jul 09, 2006 - 17:04:30
(Yeah, right, Gary!)

Inform her that only prostitutes and drug addicts have tatoos.  She may not know that. ::noworries::

--------------------------------------------

The hummingbirds at our house are agressive.  They swoop and dive down at me when I pass close by their feeder.  It's rather startling.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jul 09, 2006 - 19:34:46
Put hummingbird feeders inside your house and open your windows.  That way, they will get used to being around you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in a state of limbo at the moment.  How do I escape?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Sun Jul 09, 2006 - 19:47:57
Go bungie jumping!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to improve my golf game very, very much. But my job is not letting me play enough to do that, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jul 09, 2006 - 20:32:17
Find a real sport to play!

----------------------------

What do you do when the admin doesn't like your joke?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jul 09, 2006 - 20:41:07
Tell him that if he doesn't laugh you are going to sick Mr. T on him - then he'll laugh for sure.

--------------------------

I need to lose 20 pounds in 6 days, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jul 09, 2006 - 21:02:03
Take a lot of laxatives.

----------------------------------

I need to ask Lamb about my laxative diet, and I don't think he'll like it, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jul 09, 2006 - 22:09:40
Schedule a colonoscopy this week.  You are supposed to clear our your colon before the exam - and it is a lot of fun.

------------------------

This week is vacation bible school and we will have lots of children at the church.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jul 10, 2006 - 06:54:59
Dress up as a Pinata and hand out baseball bats.

--------------------------------------

I need a haircut, and I can never get anyone to cut it the way I like.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Mon Jul 10, 2006 - 11:48:47
Buy one of those kits with a set of clippers and cut it yourself.  They even have a video to show you how to do it.  Don't worry.  It'll be fine. ::smile::

----------------------------------------------

I have been summoned for jury duty next month.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Mon Jul 10, 2006 - 14:38:37
Just don't show.   They won't care anyway.   It is just for fun!


I have a friend who is addicted to coffee,   what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Mon Jul 10, 2006 - 14:43:22
Switch her over to decaf without her knowledge.  She'll never know the difference.

---------------------------------------------------

I have a boring staff meeting to go to this afternoon.  How can I stay awake for it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jul 10, 2006 - 15:18:03
Drink Mt. Dew.  The coffee's no good, it's been switched to decaf.
_________________

I've been waiting fifteen minutes for an e-mail to arrive, but haven't seen it yet.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jul 11, 2006 - 08:47:03
The sender may not have put enough internet postage on it.  E-mail them a stamp and tell them to send it again.

---------------------------------------------------

I have stamps stuck all over my computer screen from e-mails I've sent.  When is it safe to remove them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Jul 11, 2006 - 12:02:02
Leave them on it,  until the postage goes up, and then you can remove them.  Besides they probably look pretty.


My neighbor has a barking dog (all hours),  what can I do about it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Tue Jul 11, 2006 - 15:29:08
Move to a no pets allowed apartment complex



My neighbors in the apartment complex play their music so loud I can't sleep.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Tue Jul 11, 2006 - 16:37:38
Don't worry about it.  You'll be moving soon, anyway! ::noworries::

----------------------------------------------------

My neighbors are complaining about my barking dog.  I think my dog should have the freedom to express himself however he wants to.  They are trampling on his freedom to be a dog!  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jul 11, 2006 - 16:58:57
Give the neighbors the gift of a dog of the same breed as yours, so they can learn to appreciate doggy barking better.  In fact, that's such a great idea, get them two or three.
_______________________

The "ten minute oil change" place took about 45 minutes.  How do I get them to go faster next time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jul 11, 2006 - 21:12:30
Drain all of the oil out of your car at home so they won't have to do it.  That'll save them time.

----------------------------------------------------

I'm hallucinating that the NL actually has a lead in the All-Star game.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 00:04:22
Get a toxicology screen.  Your lithium levels must be off. ::noworries::

-------------------------------------------------

My mind is way too alert to be past midnight.  I need sleep so I can work tomorrow (actually, now it's later today).  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 08:04:05
Huh?  Did you say something?  Oh, yeah...

Well, it's morning now, so you've been up all night.  Call in at work and tell them that you're not coming in, that you'd rather sleep for a while.

--------------------------------------------------
VBS is next week, and I'm unprepared.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 11:07:15
Flannelgraph!

------------------------------------------

I'm a little behind in technology skills.  What do you suggest?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 11:17:37
(Jeff Walling called flannelgraph the Power Point of the 60's.)

Join the Army to learn computer technology.  You'll get the added bonus of getting to see interesting parts of the world.
___________________

The cords in one of our wood miniblinds broke.  How should I fix it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 11:19:16
Two words duct tape.

I have an old 286 laptop computer, what should I do with it? 20 Meg hard drive, 1 med RAM
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 14:46:49
Trash it.

-------------------------------------

I sold the bedroom suite I had advertised in the paper.  Now I have an empty room to fill.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 15:10:55
Use it to "archive" old newspapers.

(http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~carterfd/Images/room-full-of-newspapers.jpg)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't want to substitute teach the adult class at church tonight, but all the kids are at camp, and I'm afraid I'll be roped into it. Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 15:41:16
Tell the person asking you that you'd like to teach a how-to class on liturgical dance.
_____________________________

They're starting to remove old asbestos tiles in the 60's era building that one of my government customers uses.  How do I keep from being exposed?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 18:36:12
Just burn the building down. The fumes aren't as toxic as asbestos in it's pure form!





My son is starting to like girls! How can I keep him from premarital _ _ _?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jul 12, 2006 - 20:58:35
Following Mark Twain's advice, close him up in a barrel, and feed him through the bung hole.
____________________________

My dog wants me to walk him precisely at 9:30 every evening, even if it's raining.  How to I get him to wait.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Thu Jul 13, 2006 - 09:35:07
Take him outside and tie him up out there.   Let him stay out all night in the rain, and in the morning he'll be so glad to see you that he'll never ask to go outside again.

What do I do about the neighbor's cat, that uses my flowers for a bathroom?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jul 13, 2006 - 22:58:38
Put an old commode in your flower garden and plant your flowers in it.

--------------------------------

I can't spell the word contradict.  How do I remember the correct spelling?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jul 14, 2006 - 07:33:49
What do you mean, you can't spell contradict?  Of course you can.
____________________________

How do I convince my neighbors that washing all four of their cars twice a week is a waste of water and time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Fri Jul 14, 2006 - 14:18:49
Put a little sulfuric acid in their hose so it will spray on the car next time they wash it.

I have trouble keeping track of which threads I have responded in which leads people to think I am ignoring them -- what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Jul 14, 2006 - 15:28:57
Don't worry, Dennis,  people love to be ignored.   They know then that you don't think they are worth answering.

What do I do about a watch that doesn't keep perfect time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jul 14, 2006 - 16:07:21
Trash it and get a wrist-sundial.  They always keep perfect time.

---------------------------------------

I'm having a hard time keeping from completely losing it on another thread.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jul 14, 2006 - 16:38:22
Let er rip.

__________________


I'm going to have to trim the hedges back several inches for the 3rd or 4th time this season already.  Anybody know a good shortcut?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jul 14, 2006 - 16:41:09
Release termites into the hedges to keep them trimmed back naturally.
______________________

My house is being eaten up by termites who already ate my hedges to the ground.  How do I stop 'em?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Fri Jul 14, 2006 - 17:08:30
Citronella candles.  Works for mosquitoes.  Should work for termites.

----------------------------------------------

I have ants in my kitchen that even Cook's Pest Control hasn't been able to complely eradicate.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jul 14, 2006 - 22:21:19
Cover them with chocolate and eat them.  It's a delicacy.

_____________________________________

I'm losing my mind waiting to hear back from my grad school stuff (though in fact it's only been a week since I've talked to them).  How do I cope?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: djcasp on Fri Jul 14, 2006 - 22:27:58
get stoned on your substance of choice and you won't remember what you were waiting for. grad school ??? - hiccup - long rant on the man and education/oppression if weed was chosen above.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

how do i keep my A.D.D kid still?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 10:17:10
Send him to the dentist twice a day. They've got stuff there that can keep any kid still!




How should I discuss the dangers of smoking with my co-workers?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 10:25:12
Go on a two hour Nikita Kruschev-like rant (pounding shoe and all) at the top of your voice.


I need to replace the rotors and pads on the van and then get it inspected.  How could bypass the repair and get it inspected?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 17:01:16
Around here we call it a "Mud River Sticker".  There's a guy who has a junkyard way out in the boonies (Mud River, of course) who will, for a small fee, peel the sticker off of a recent acquisition and secure it to your windshield.

Now if New York doesn't use inspection stickers, I can't help you.

____________________________________________ _________________

I think someone is stealing the gas out of my car at night.  What should I do about it?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 17:16:30
Put a jar of corn syrup in your tank.

________________________________

I've been busted for having a WV inspection sticker on my NY registered car.  Any ideas of how to get out of the fines?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 18:57:58
Okay, I left a line out of my advice.  I meant to include, "find a similar business that operates in your area."   ::doh::

Now, of course, what you need to do is travel back to West Virginia and purchase a West Virginia license and registration from the same guy.  Or better still, register your car in West Virginia.  So what if the state requires everyone who registers a car for the first time in the state to pay 6% sales tax on the value of the car, as if they had just bought it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My car won't start for some reason and my gas cap's sticky.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 19:19:48
I recommend Drano.

_________________________________


The guy from Mud River was hauled off to jail after I spilled the beans tonight.  He said something about "gettin' you and yours what's comin'".  How can I protect my family?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jul 15, 2006 - 22:24:10
Move somewhere else, and change all their names.  I recommend Lebanon as a safe place.
_______________________________

All the clean underwear is in the washer, still waiting for stuff in the dryer that requires low heat.  How do I make sure that I don't have to wear clammy underwear to church tomorrow?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sun Jul 16, 2006 - 17:02:08
Go commando!




I get grossed out by people slurpping the communion on Sundays! What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Sun Jul 16, 2006 - 17:10:22
Throw up on the tray


I just grossed my own self out by that answer.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jul 16, 2006 - 19:59:50
Straighten yourself out by reading nothing but Miss Manners columns for two weeks.
________________________________

It's supposed to be really hot and humid tomorrow.  How should I keep cool while outside?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sun Jul 16, 2006 - 20:57:35
Put Ziploc baggies of ice in your pockets and underwear (if you've got clean ones, yet).


It was hot and humid hear all day tomorrow it's supposed to be worse.  How can I keep from pit-staining my shirt?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jul 16, 2006 - 21:25:02
Skip the shirt.  Oh, and to keep extra-cool, slather cooking oil all over your bare chest, back and neck.  That way the suns rays will slide right off of you.

------------------------------------------------------

VBS starts tomorrow, and no one know who is in charge (I found out this evening that a couple of people think I am).  Any ideas on last-minute organization?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sun Jul 16, 2006 - 21:29:55
Wing it.  Children and teachers don't do well with organization and leadership anyway.


I keep falling on the kitchen tile because I'm all greased up, per Marc's advice.  I think I've pulled three muscles and may have broken something, too.  I'd get help, but I can only reach this keyboard, and my wife doesn't check her email very often.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jul 17, 2006 - 00:16:17
And your problem with a few days off of work is?







I quit my job yesterday. I don't know how the family will eat. Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jul 17, 2006 - 10:47:10
Think John the Baptist: locusts and wild honey.
________________________

With the high heat and humidity, my sump pump keeps running, removing condensation from the A/C.  How do I keep it in good shape?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Jul 17, 2006 - 11:16:49
Turn off the a/c and close all your windows to keep the heat & humidity outside...or turn off the pump and enjoy your new indoor wade pool.

----------------------

I'd love to have a pool right now.  How can I do it on the cheap--diy?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jul 17, 2006 - 11:45:40
Is there a city fountain in Albany?

-----------------------------------------------------
I keep getting drawn into conversations here just because I'm sitting in front of the computer while working on VBS.  How do I avoid this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Jul 17, 2006 - 11:57:35
Go study for VBS in that classroom in the basement of the church building.  Maybe that old guy will help.
(still find that very creepy, btw)

-------------

The attic is so hot I could cook eggs on the floor.  What could I use for insulation?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jul 17, 2006 - 15:24:52
Insulation?  Nah.  What you really need is more air.  Tear a hole in the roof.

-------------------------------------------

I have to write a script for a short skit for VBS tomorrow night, plus I just found out that my sister didn't get the skit together she was going to do tonight, and I volunteered to grab a couple of kids to improvise.  I leave in one hour.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Jul 18, 2006 - 08:00:10
I don't know what the theme is, but if you could find out some way to reenact the story of Nadab and Abihu and make fire come out of the baptistry and consume a couple of children it would be an object lesson that none of them would soon forget.

--------------------------

My computer is going senile (running out of memory).  Any suggestions.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jul 18, 2006 - 08:14:12
Start deleting stuff in the "Windows" directory.  It's taking up too much space and most of those files are useless junk anyway.

--------------------------

This year is going by so quickly.  How can we make it "slow down" a little?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jul 18, 2006 - 08:45:39
find some way to get yourself incarcerated in a state penal institution.  I understand that time passes slower there.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I'm trying to go walking every morning before it gets too hot, but I think I've injured my foot.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jul 18, 2006 - 08:51:13
Take up jogging.  It'll work itself out.  Oh, and do it in the middle of the afternoon.  Heat helps soothe the pain.

---------------

I can't jog because of my flat feet and naturally over-extended knees.  What can I do to get exercise?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Jul 18, 2006 - 12:42:01
Go canoeing and row the boat for 12 hrs. straight.  It is guaranteed to ease your pain in your knees and fix your feet.


I have a friend that is dead set on eating worms.  Do I tell them this is not accepting behavior?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Jul 18, 2006 - 15:04:25
Acceptable behavior? It's preferable! Tell him to malke sure he saute's them in garlic butter and sprinkles roach eggs on to taste.






Halle Berry keeps calling my house wanting a date. What should I tell her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jul 18, 2006 - 15:51:31
Tell her you saw Catwoman, and to never call your house again.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The Air Conditioner's not big enough to cool the house and I only have one fan.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Wed Jul 19, 2006 - 08:28:37
Cut a big hole in the roof of your house, and all the birds will come in and you will be so distracted, you won't notice the heat.    And you would be a bird watcher also,  and that's a good thing.

What do I do about a co-worker that picks his nose in front of me all the time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jul 19, 2006 - 08:37:56
Reach over say, "Here, let me help you with that."  That'll cure 'im.

-------------------

I'd like to find an additional way of meeting new people in the community.  What do you suggest?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jul 19, 2006 - 08:53:56
Several of the things i've previously suggested (fountain, prison) would work, but if you don't want to do any of those, I would suggest joining a club.  Try to find one that has its own compound somewhere outside of town.  Ask them what they think about black helicopters; that's always a clue as to whether they're the type of organization you're looking for.  An added benefit is that many of these organizations tell their members that the income tax is illegal and they don't have to pay it, so that will save you money.

-------------------------------------

Last night, yellowjackets came into the house and swarmed around my computer.  How do I keep this from happening?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jul 19, 2006 - 22:37:19
Put out some honey. It'll draw some bears. Yellowjackets hate bears... therefore no more yellowjacket problem!





I ate too much chocolate last night. Now I have a stomach ache. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: djcasp on Fri Jul 21, 2006 - 16:52:41
eat more chocolate no such thing as too much chocolate (so says the wife).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

how do i keep my lawn free of crab grass.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Fri Jul 21, 2006 - 17:25:24
Eat crab salad -- make good use of those critters!

------------------------------------------------------------------

My two year old won't stop picking her nose.  How can I "cure" her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jul 21, 2006 - 17:46:20
Get a dog shock collar, and push the button every time she does it.
____________________________

How do I clear out the weeds growing between my fence and my neighbor's, out of reach?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Jul 22, 2006 - 23:23:33
Pour several hundred gallons of gasoline inbetween the two fences and then set the weeds on fire. 

---------------------------

I need to go to bed, but I am not tired.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jul 23, 2006 - 23:52:02
Take seventeen sinus pills.  Preferably what I took earlier tonight, whatever that was (I should really keep the packages).  Never mind that it's keeping me from sleeping....

--------------------------------------------

I'm a longtime WVU fan (I made it as far as freshman orientation there back in the day and the partying and the advanced math class they were putting me in scared me off) who is getting ready to begin classes at Marshall's Grad school.  Now Marshall imagines they have a rivalry with WVU (which is kind of like the Toledo Mud Hens thinking they have a rivalry with the Detroit Tigers) and the two schools will open the football season against each other.  Since this is just grad school, and I'm not attending at the main campus, I should be okay openly rooting for WVU, shouldn't I?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jul 27, 2006 - 21:07:05
Absolutely.  Be sure to dress as a mountaineer as you go to classes the day before game day.  Sing the WVU fight song as you walk down the hall at Marshall.  And, by all means, decorate up your car with lots of mountaineer stuff; college students have reached a level of maturity that they always appreciate the expression of opposing points of view.
_________________________

What's the best way to improve my cardiovascular health?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jul 27, 2006 - 21:22:16
Mangosteen! and a soy-based Twinky alternative, Tofinky, daily.

--------------------

I need to put a larger hard drive in my XP machine.  Where should I shop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jul 27, 2006 - 22:59:10
Remember that place up Mud River where you got the sticker for your car?

-------------------------------------------------------------

Grad school costs lots of money.  help.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jul 28, 2006 - 06:22:24
Earn money the old fashioned way......prostitution.

-------------------------------------------

I haven't been on the internet in a few days, and I am still going through withdrawals, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jul 28, 2006 - 08:35:50
Mehtadone helps withdrawal.  Purchase large amounts on the black market.
------------------------------------------------

I'm trying to buy minor league baseball tickets online for our youth group, and the site's not working.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jul 28, 2006 - 11:08:40
Go to scalper.com*

-----------------

I'd like to solve the Middle East problem single-handedly in less than a week.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jul 30, 2006 - 08:14:08
Travel to the Arab countries, and tell them that Islam is a false religion.  They'll stop and think, and then say "you're right, we've been stupid!"  Problem solved.
________________________________

It's going to be really hot and humid today.  How do I stay comfortable?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jul 30, 2006 - 10:32:09
Drink lots of beer.

-------------------------------

I've got a terrible hangover because it was so hot yesterday, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jul 30, 2006 - 13:26:32
Drink Lots and Lots of Beer.

-----------------------------------------------

We don't have enough drivers to take all the kids who want to go to the game Thursday.What should we do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jul 30, 2006 - 20:47:23
Get one of those flatbed trailers like lawn care companies use to haul their equipment.  Have the kids ride on that.  Better yet, have them make a human pyramid on it as you drive to the game, to show their spirit.
___________________________

The family room carpet needs cleaning, but the vacuum cleaner is upstairs, and I'm too lazy to get it.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jul 30, 2006 - 20:50:39
Ask for your wife to come talk to you, and then order her to clean everything.

-------------------------------

My daughter learned to say "shutup."  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jul 30, 2006 - 20:58:44
Shut up.  (duh!)

---------------------------------------------------------

My brother-in-law bought a big screen TV today.  How do I get invited to his house more often?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sun Jul 30, 2006 - 21:52:58
Go get twd's vacuum cleaner and offer to clean your brother's house every evening.

------------------

I don't like heat, but don't like electric bills either.  How can I get it cooler for free?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Jul 30, 2006 - 22:07:53
Go naked, its the way God made ya.

---------------------------------------------

I've recently tried the Christian nudist thing (ala ENTP) and there are mysterious brown marks everywhere I've sat down.  What are they, and what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Mon Jul 31, 2006 - 12:48:15
I won't even pretend to answer that    ::smile:: 

too funny for words.



I have recently moved into an all white neighborhood, and my Mexican friend will not visit me,   what should I do?????
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Aug 02, 2006 - 20:35:09
Put a big sign in your front yard that says "se llama español."
____________________

How to I figure out the right person to hire as children's minister?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Aug 02, 2006 - 20:37:04
Hire Elmo.  He can bring new worship songs such as "La la la la, la la la la, God's World."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife is due in a month, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Aug 02, 2006 - 20:41:27
Say things like, "Honey, I believe you're full as a tick and about to pop."  During the delivery, put on a Pres. Clinton mask and in your best imitation, keep saying, "I feel you pain, " and, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. [insert your last name here]."

(http://www.theirishcurse.com/Bill_Clinton.jpg)

------------------------------------

Instead of posting something significant for my 10,000th post, I fear I just got a brother a serious bruisin' from his wife.  How can I make it better?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Aug 02, 2006 - 20:44:01
First, my already written advice for TMG

Go through the resumes and pick the one that has the best qualifications.  No, this isn't as straightforward as it seems.  You see, the one with the best qualifications is obviously a liar.  There's no way he was the personal tutor to Joel Osteen's children, and I don't believe that he singlehandedly created a 30,000 member, children-only megachurch with a weekly contribution of over 1 million dollars, either.

And yet, this person will be your best candidate.  Through his resume, he has demonstrated his creativity, and a talent for fiction is always helpful when choosing a children's minister.

Because one should never, ever tell the truth to a child.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Now advice for Gary.  This is tough, because you don't say what she's due for.  If you're talking library books, this is a good opportunity to add to your library.  If, otoh, you are talking about a baby, the answer is more complicated.

I would recommend all-natural childbirth.  No drugs.  No drugs for her, I mean; make sure you have plenty of tranquilizers handy for yourself.  You'll need them.

---------------------------------------------------
And good grief, another response has appeared!  Okay, here we go for JMG--

You're a moderator.  Erase not only this post, but your last 1,000, just to be safe.  Then post 1,000 times simply counting down to your 10,000th post.

----------------------------------------------------------

I reserved four rooms at the North Cincinnati Sheraton for $50 each on Hotwire last night.  How will I go back to the usual Motel 6 after this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Aug 02, 2006 - 20:46:44
My wife has already tried the natural child birth.  And she gets mad if I say things like, "man, is that going to hurt."

------------------------------------------------

Two words:  Medicinal Marijuana.  Every Motel 6 room will now be a disco.

--------------------------------------------------

Man I have serious gas.  How do I clear it up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Aug 02, 2006 - 20:54:16
Natural gas expulsion, no drugs, and invite your family to the "delivery room" for the special moment.

------------------------

This room stinks.  What can I do to make it smell fresher?


(btw, Gary, I still get in trouble for what I said after my wife's C-section: "Boy, that took a lot outta me."  Sadly, I'm not joking.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Aug 02, 2006 - 21:06:01
Say things like, "Honey, I believe you're full as a tick and about to pop."  During the delivery, put on a Pres. Clinton mask and in your best imitation, keep saying, "I feel you pain, " and, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. [insert your last name here]."

([url]http://www.theirishcurse.com/Bill_Clinton.jpg[/url])




That has to be the worst advice yet.  Great job jmg3rd.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Aug 04, 2006 - 07:37:13
This room stinks.  What can I do to make it smell fresher?

Borrow some of your wife's perfume.  She won't mind.  Empty a whole bottle into the carpet, so that it can continue to give you pleasure for weeks and months to come.
________________________________

The harddrive on one of my computers is full.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Aug 04, 2006 - 09:00:58
I would tell you to simply delete the contents of the Windows folder, buy you are a heretic, so this advice will do no good. 

You need to make more room on your computer, obviously.  Your problem is that it's not big enough.  Since there's no way to actually increase the size of your computer, you need to make it so you can overfill what you have.  If you have a box with a lid that you want to squeeze more stuff into, what do you do?  You take the lid off so you can stack things higher than the top of the box.  You can do the same thing by prying the screen off of your monitor, so you can squeeze information into your computer until it comes flowing out onto your keyboard.  When this happens, just pick up whatever spills out and cram it back in.  It will probably fall out in the form of zeros and ones, if my information is correct.

---------------------------------------------------------

After taking a large group of kids to a minor league ballgame with not nearly enough adult supervision last night, I feel as if I've advanced beyond the need of receiving bad advice from others.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Fri Aug 04, 2006 - 09:24:03
Go find a sixteen year old with blue hair and chains on his clothing. Ask him if he thinks it's wise to continue with a Roth IRA or if it would be better to invest in a "kickin" sound system for your 1988 Chevy Lumina.

---------------------------------------------------

I'm not selling as many of "The Real Heaven" (http://www.gracecentered.com/The_Real_Heaven.htm) books on this site as I'd like. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Aug 04, 2006 - 09:29:41
Include a copy of the movie THE PULPITEER with each copy.  Folks will buy the book for sure.  According to the cover art, even mistergus says its "outstanding."

-------------------------------------------------

I have to go shopping with my wife today for furniture.  How do I keep my sanity?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Fri Aug 04, 2006 - 10:46:17
Fake an epileptic fit in the sofa aisle and when you hit your head on the floor, take 'em to court.  They're sure to give you free furniture.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't get my husband to mow the yard more than once a month.  Any suggestions for motivating him?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Aug 04, 2006 - 10:55:30
Move to Alamogordo, NM.  It won't seem that important.
(http://www.alamonm-pj.com/image/7407112_scaled_241x141.jpg)

----------------------------

It's summer, so there's an oddly high number of hooligans and whippersnappers at a house down the road...they're driving me toward becoming one of those old men who sits on the porch in plaid golf pants, cleaning a shotgun.  What can I do to keep my sanity?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Aug 04, 2006 - 11:11:56
Install a swimming pool in your front yard for everyone to see.  That'll keep the kids away.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I filled up a tank of gas last night at $3.15 a gallon, and now I have no money left for food.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Aug 05, 2006 - 08:20:14
Max out the credit cards buying junk food.  Then, apply for food stamps.  It's the American way.
______________________________

My credit cards are maxed out, and I have a belly ache.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Aug 07, 2006 - 08:21:24
Chop your credit cards into tiny pieces, boil them with a dash of ginger, and drink the tea that results.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

We scheduled our fall youth rally for October 6 and, because of a group from OVU coming in, we cannot change the date.  Now one of the local schools has scheduled homecoming for that weekend.  What should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Aug 08, 2006 - 07:40:56
Call in a bomb threat to the high school, and tell them to send all the kids to your church for safety.
______________________________

I just gave a pint of blood yesterday, how to I most quickly replenish it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Tue Aug 08, 2006 - 07:59:39
Go apply for more credit cards, and buy the blood you need from the blood bank.  Once you have cut up your credit cards, it's time once again to build up your credit base.  (And continue to forget about the balances on the cards you cut up).

---------------------

I can't get women that I don't want to chase me to stop chasing me, any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Aug 08, 2006 - 09:19:47
When I lived in Australia there was a female singer who used to tie dead rats to her clothes to discourage groupies.  This should work for you, as well.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have decided that the college textbook industry is a racket run by the mob.  What do I do about it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Aug 09, 2006 - 16:13:54
Find out where the president of one of the publishers lives, and put a horse's severed head in his bed.
__________________

Interviewing job applicants is a pain.  Any ideas to streamline the process?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Aug 09, 2006 - 16:26:40
Interviews are useless.  Everyone lies.  No one will tell you what they're really like.  Put all the names in a hat and draw one.

-----------------------------------------

I'm afraid that I'm being handed the keys to the church van permanently.  This horrifies me.  I can teach classes, where I have some control, but driving the 15-passenger van, with me facing forward and everyone behind me, is intolerable.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Aug 09, 2006 - 18:48:44
(EruditeJoy broke the chain!  39 Lashes with a wet noodle!  Erudite - you must ask advice for something, even the most mundane thing or you run the moderator gauntlet!)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: EruditeJoy on Wed Aug 09, 2006 - 19:58:19
(EruditeJoy broke the chain!  39 Lashes with a wet noodle!  Erudite - you must ask advice for something, even the most mundane thing or you run the moderator gauntlet!)

I'm sooo sorry!!!   ::blushing::

Oh the shame!!!!  That's what I get for not reading!! 

Well, since I am not bright enough to think of something clever (been thinking for 20 minutes), I've deleted my post.  I know when I"m out of my league.    ::baby::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Aug 09, 2006 - 23:03:35
(Plainly, EJ, you should have asked advice about asking advice)

Marc,
That's easy.  Drive backwards.  Turn the driver's seat around, use broom handles to operate the controls, and drive in reverse.
_______________

My daughter's printer wasn't working because she dropped a paper clip in it.  How do I best rub her nose in, I mean, how to I lovingly teach her to take better care of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Aug 10, 2006 - 21:22:15
Demonstrate the slippery slope that she started on by beating it with a baseball bat.


I really would like to get a Krystal, but I don't have much money. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Aug 10, 2006 - 21:29:00
Not knowing what a Krystal is, I'm gonna take a shot in the dark....go to the mall and look for loose change in the parking lot.

------------

We've been getting a ton of spam today.  How can we prevent it from happening?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 10, 2006 - 21:59:46
Ban all IPs from either Europe or the South Pacific.  That should catch them all, from what I've seen.

The other alternative would be to immediately delete the account of anyone who registers.  period.

-----------------------------------------------

I've been helping my sister move, and I'm sore, mosquito-bitten, and sunburned.  What should I do that doesn't involve illegal drugs?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Thu Aug 10, 2006 - 22:10:13
Stay on the forums all night deleting the posts of spammers, that way, you won't be disturbed by the itching while you're trying to sleep................ cause you won't be.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure what to do about all the spammers (as Marc mentioned) and I doubt I'll sleep tonight because of it. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Aug 10, 2006 - 22:54:17
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.  (this is the bad advice thread, after all)
__________________

We're supposed to head out tomorrow afternoon to get the kids back to Harding, but neither my son nor my daughter has done much packing yet.  How to I get them moving?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Aug 10, 2006 - 22:58:28
A Mountain Dew, 1/2 a Mississippi Mud cake, and a Krispie Kreme cream-filled out to do the trick.  And as a bonus they'll be wired enough to sing 99 bottles all the way to Ark!

-------------

Rent for storefronts and other possible meeting places keeps going higher, and is often just out of reach for our congregation.  What should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Aug 10, 2006 - 23:00:46
Give everyone high-powered rifles and storm the nearest Baptist church, demanding to use their auditorium or you'll kill everyone in the room.


My house is a wreck, and my neat-freak parents are coming this weekend. Problem is, I really do not want to clean my house. What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: djcasp on Thu Aug 10, 2006 - 23:04:50
Blame it all on the husband or move.
---------------------------------------------------------

How do I keep various and assorted pests out of my garden without chemicals.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 10, 2006 - 23:18:51
The man pictured below has made several instructional videos on this subject.  Rent them, and do everythng he does.

(http://www.wiseacre-gardens.com/buttons/pics/elmer_.gif)

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My pitching on my fantasy baseball team is suddenly failing, after a good season thus far.  Any suggestions? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Aug 13, 2006 - 06:43:20
Trade our entire staff for the Kansas City royals staff.

-------------------------

My sermon today is too long, and I can't figure out what to leave out.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Aug 13, 2006 - 06:44:54
Leave out the singing, the praying, and the Lord's Supper.  Don't leave out the offering, a preacher has got to get paid!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do I get motivated to go to the assembly when I am so tired?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Aug 13, 2006 - 07:21:39
Think about everything you will be able to criticize.  From the dress on Mrs. Smith that was way too short, to the fact that they didn't sing any song you liked, to the length of the service.  That ought to get your motivated!

-----------------------

I have to talk with the elders today about letting me off to go on a trip to Israel.  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: msbradley on Sun Aug 13, 2006 - 07:55:30
Just lie to them. Tell them this girl came up to you last night at the Round up Bar and told you your baby is due the latter part of Novemeber, so you need to take off during that time.


-------------------------------
I have a new boss from Las Vegas that uses the Lord's name in vain. How do I tell him tht offends me?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Sun Aug 13, 2006 - 17:02:33
You insensitive *&% !@#$#@$ %#^$^$^^%$!!!!! That kind of language is so offensive to me!


I think something died under my house, because the smell is overwhelming and I can't locate the source. Any help?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Aug 13, 2006 - 19:27:48
Get a 'possum and put it under there.  A 'possum's a scaveger, I think.

----------------------------------------------------------

It's dark.  The lights arent' on, because it wasn't dark when I sat down here.  I'd like to get up and turn the light on, but I'm afraid of the dark.  HELP!!!!! ::hiding:: ::scared::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Aug 13, 2006 - 23:09:37
Get up out of your chair slowly.  Make your way to your favorite gun.  Load it.  Then start firing in all directions as you head for the light switch.  If anyone is in the house, they will run.

---------------------

I don't have a gun, are there any other options for me?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Aug 15, 2006 - 23:06:45
Close your eyes.  That way the haints won't be able to see you, and you'll be safe.

-------------------------------------------------

I'm getting sick, and I don't have time.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 10:18:58
Set your clock back, then you'll have time.
_______________________

Church would be wonderful, if it weren't for all the people.  How do I get them to act right, that is, the way I want them to?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 10:21:52
Hand everyone detailed scripts as they walk in the door, and tell them not to depart from their scripts.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm following a bout with insomnia with a bout with some bug that's making me want to sleep all the time.  Is there any way to get my sleep regulated?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 10:28:39
Take a sleeping pill in the morning so you will be tired at night and then drink Red Bull right before you go to bed so you will be ready to go in the morning.


We are babysitting our friends 8 week old daughter and she needs a diaper change.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 10:41:11
Call 911.  They love to help out.

----------------------------------------------

I need to go borrow my sister's computer, because I don't have a cd burner, but I have things I also need to do on my computer.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 10:46:25
Create your own CD burner.  Start a fire out in your yard and throw your CD in the midst of the fire.  If you need to burn a lot of data onto the CD you may have to burn several yards to accomplish this.

------------------------

I am worried sick about what the crazy man in Iran has planned for August 22nd.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 10:48:15
Take some sleeping pills so that you don't wake up until the 23rd,






Football season is 16 days away and I am having trouble waiting.  What can I do to pass the time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 10:57:56
Buy season tickets to see the Rice Owls in every home game.  Continue your planning by purchasing tickets for each of their road games.  Tell your friends that you are so certain Rice will win the national championship that you are willing to bet your house, your possessions, and even your children on that certainty.  After making all your bets, just sit back and wait for the season to begin and start planning on what to do with all the newly acquired assets you will have at the end of the season.

--------------------

I am afraid that if Rice loses Weeble may hunt me down and do more damage to me than the crazy man in Iran.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 18:03:00
Become a crazy man in Iran.  Weeble will never find you there.
It's a pretty easy transformation to make (long beard, turban, etc.)  And the market for Christian preachers is wide open, there.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been coming across as way too grouch on this board lately, probably because I'm pretty tense with school starting back up next week and all.  What should I do about it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 18:08:02
Two words:  Medicinal Marijuana!

---------------------------------------------------

I poop and then I get tired, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 19:37:12
Industrial strength caffeine.
_____________

The family room is messy, and I don't want to clean it.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 20:17:01
Man, just let it ride.  I mean, in the scheme of things, what does it matter if a room is messy?  Isn't it all just part of one great cosmic plan that seeks its own order?  Let it ride; let it slide, man.

------------------------------------------------------------

Gary's advice is making me hungry.  What should I eat?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Aug 17, 2006 - 20:20:04
Go get a MRE from the military - the kind that has dried mashed potatoes. Eat the potatoes without adding water. They will expand in your stomach and cause extreme constipation. You won't be hungry for days.


My house is poorly insulated and so the air conditioner won't cool much below 80. I hate the heat. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 08:59:04
Fill a ziplock with Ice Cubes and place one under each arm. 



I Just dropped my kid off at school and placed a bet on the Rice Owl's but I am secondguessing it now what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 09:04:13
Call up a guy named Vinnie or Squeaky and bet your car on whoever's playing playing the Rice Owls.



I put on an aluminum foil beany last night and now I realize that Cindy Sheehan is really Bush's best friend and is working to distract us from Cheney's world dominance.  I'm afraid to take the beany off now, but don't want people to know I have it on.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 10:28:58
Well you could set your pants on fire or walk around naked, no one will notice the beany then.


I just started classes again and realized that I have to write a 20 page paper on Luther but I don't know which one.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 10:57:30
You're not sure which Luther?  I'd do the paper on Luther Vandross.  I'm sure that's who they mean.




I'd really like to see more visitors at our church and our Bible studies.  What could we do to provide more good activities for parents with small children?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 11:20:42
Since we all know that what parents with young kids REALLY want is more nookie time, you should convert the classrooms into hotel rooms. Provide free baby-sitting. The cost of the rooms would be attendance at one service.


It's Friday and I do NOT want to work. I'd rather lay out in the sun. Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 11:33:15
It's obvious, skip work and go lie out in the sun.  Your boss most of all wants you to be happy.
____________________

My tires are starting to get worn, but I don't need the cost of four new ones, after just buying a set for my daughter's car.  What to do, what to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 13:23:52
Find road construction where they are laying new asphalt. Drive through the asphalt. This will coat your tires, making them durable for years to come.



I have a problem with mice at my house. It started when my cat ran away. DH won't let me get a new cat - so how do I handle the mice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 13:28:29
burn your house down.  They will all die.

-------------------------------------------------------

My wife is making me go shopping with her.  How do I get out of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 13:40:43
Go with her this time.  Once in the store, loudly make comments about the decor, about how lousey the products are, about how you need to use the bathroom.  Play peek-a-boo with other customers around the clothes racks.  She won't ask you to go shopping with her ever again.
____________________

My wife wants me to see the doctor about my cough, but I hate all the rigamarole of making appointments and filling out forms in triplicate.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 14:05:19
Ask Squeaky (the guy helping Weeble with his bets) for Doc Vitalia's #.  He'll fix you up.




I changed the oil in the car a couple days ago, and now I've got four quarts of rather spent oil in a tub in the garage.  What can I do besides recycling...something more fun?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 14:30:30
You could always sneak into the city pool at night and pour it in the pool.  Then the emergency services department could practice controlling an oil slick.

----------------

My five year old nephew is having a birthday tomorrow and I don't know what to get him.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 14:59:40
Ice.  Kids love Ice.  Fill a garbage bag with ice cubes, then tell him to open it by hanging it over his head and busting it like a pinata.

------------------------------------

I just finished defragmenting my computer and it's running perceptably faster.  Is there any way I can do the same with my brain?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 15:41:11
Yes, it'll involve an electrical cord and outlet, a tub of water, and peach preserves.



I have more books than shelves, but I hate to love so many boxed up.  Suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 16:53:51
Get rid of your television, and use your entertainment center to store books.  No, wait, this is bad advice....(btw, I have my TV on top of my entertainment center and store books where the tv usually goes.)

Let's see...get rid of your bed.  stack books up in the shape of a bed and sleep on them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have now thrown out every muscle, joint, etc. in my body while helping my sister move, and she isn't done yet (I just got back from moving a box springs, mattress, and couch).  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 17:27:33
Go see someone at BALCO.  They will help you feel better in no time.

---------------------------------------------------

I almost always embarass my wife in the store, and I still have to go with her.  For instance, I sing songs and make up my own words, or I sing unintelligible pseudo humming words to songs in an incredibly annoying manner.  I need to find out some more ways to stay home.

By the way, don't you love it when someone has taken your bad advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 20:07:47
I begged DH to go with me to register for baby stuff. I will never make that mistake again. He took the scan gun and ran up and down the aisles, singing the theme song to Mission Impossible and "shooting" other customers from the cover of the clothes racks.



To get back on track....


I finally got my printer hooked up, but the scanner can't seem to communicate with my computer. How can I fix this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 20:56:01
Scanners are for wimps.  just get a drawing program on your computer and make detailed pictures of whatever you want to scan.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I have to get up and go to a class to tell me how to take computer classes in the morning.  Seems a bit, I don't know, silly to me.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: djcasp on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 22:13:15
show up in the evening.
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how do i resist the urge to spend what little money i have on all the books i would like to read
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Aug 18, 2006 - 22:18:22
Invest it all in pyramid schemes, then you won't have to worry about it any more.  If you're looking for a good, legal one, I have two words for you:  Am Way.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

My air conditioner in my car doesn't work, and it's too close to the end of the summer to spend more than the car's worth to get it fixed, but I can't stand to be stuck in traffic with no air.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 08:48:40
Fart, it gets some air going.   ::yummy::

--------------------------------------------------

How do I stop my wife from spending money?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 13:35:06
Give her your credit card.  Then she won't spend any *real* money, and who says you ever have to pay the credit card bill?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * *
 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  * * * * *
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For a couple of my online classes, I have to post a short biography, and I don't want to be boring.  What should I post?


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 16:26:00
Try telling what you know about Gary, Spurly, and Old Dad. 






Soccer Season starts this week and I am coaching but I don't know anything about Soccer.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 16:46:40
Have the parents do an hour of that headbutting thing with their kids before each practice and game.  Then they'll be so out of it that they won't know you don't know anything, and won't bug you (because it's usually "those parents" that complain anyway, not the kids).


§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§


I'm preaching tomorrow on compassion, but I'm really tired and cranky this evening.  How can I make sure I'm emotionally and spiritually ready tomorrow (and not so cranky)?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 18:01:39
One Word:

Peyote.  Its good enough for the Native American church.

----------------------------------------------

I am getting tired of watching "Between the Lions" and my daughter loves it.  How do I break the cycle?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 18:16:25
Buy her a truckload of Barney DVDs.  Watch 'em all. 

You'll never complan about Between the Lions again.

*\
    \
      \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/***********************\
                                                                               \/\/\/\/\/\/\...................


I'm running out of creative ideas for dividing my answer from my question.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 18:24:16
The Bible clearly states that it is sinful to be divisive. Therefore, you should not divide at all. It would be scriptural to run the question into the answer.


My preacher is rather boring. I take notes strictly to keep awake, but it's still hard to get excited about his sermons.  Can you help me?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 19:10:48
Get one of those tiny little things you stick in your ear and listen to Little Richard songs while he's preachingI need to get a flyer together by tomorrow, but I'm not sure of all the details I need to include.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 19:12:42
One word: plagarize.  ~:~  How do a pay for my kids' college tuition this year?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 20:11:31
The old fashioned way - prostitution.

--------------------------

How do I make it through another boring chick flick?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 20:15:16
Ever watch Mystery Science Theatre 3,000 or whatever it was, where the guy and his robots get through terrible movies by loudly making fun of them? That's always worked for me.

Did I mention that I'm single?

123=5950-6jkt49mojtmq0vbo c0nhuiptb4=jk06mi549h-o6yo]3ykj-0ok3oyj

I hate NASCAR, but everyone around here takes it seriously to the point of having altars to the drivers in their front yards. How do I cope?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 22:48:43
Grow a mullet, knock some teeth out, and change your middle name to Billy or Ray.  So you could be Marky Billy, or Marky Ray.  And take up chewin' tobaccy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

My mother-in-law will be coming to visit and is looking for a CofC to go to while she is here (My wife and I, being no-good denominationlists are part of an SOF Baptist church).  Where do I find one around here?  (Most sign out front CofC's around here are actually instrumental.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 22:55:47
First, just some all-purpose bad advice.  Go try to have a conversation with Edpobre.

Now, to address your problem.  If you can't find a good SFOcOC, then make your own.  Meet in your living room.  Preach on the evils of instrumental music, clapping, tapping your feet, etc.  I'll mail you a pack of Gospel Minutes to put out on your coffee table.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sorry.  Drifted off there.


My floppy disk drive doesn't work ever since I played around inside it with a fork and a kitchen knife.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Aug 19, 2006 - 23:08:11
If you have a floppy disk drive in your computer, its too old to use.  Throw out the whole computer, and buy a new one.  Here's some even better advice.  Buy a laptop from Dell with a Sony Battery.

----------------

I have some Gospel Minutes I can put on my coffee table that I got sent to me from a poster here from the High Plains of Texas.  So I got that part down.  But unless my mother-in-law is going to be like
the Army of One, and be a Church of One, I don't know where she'll go.  How do I convince her do just go to the SOF Baptist church with us?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Sun Aug 20, 2006 - 00:54:29
In the morning, bake her some muffins. Put high doses marijuana in the muffins. Make sure she eats at least six. Then she will be so high she won't care where you go to church.


I just made some bookmarks that I would like to give away in church tomorrow. However, I don't want to draw attention to myself. How can I do this without making a scene?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sun Aug 20, 2006 - 20:42:43
Show up late and put them under the windshield wipers of all the cars, people like that.





There are some older women in our church that need a good slapping or a good man.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon Aug 21, 2006 - 10:00:40
If they need a good slapping, then it's likely a good man will be hard to find. Before church, cook several lasagna noodles al dente. Stand by the door so that you can slap away as they leave the building. Better yet - make it a fundraiser and sell tickets for a dollar per slap.



DH is lazy. How do I motivate him to actually do something . . . anything?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Aug 21, 2006 - 15:08:11
Set the house on fire.
_______________

My customer's work site is full of glue fumes from new wall coverings today, such that I had to go home.
How do I clear this out tomorrow, if it's still bad, given that this is a building with no windows?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Aug 21, 2006 - 15:48:40
Call Acme and get them to deliver one of those black holes that you can put on a wall and make an instant opening.  Make sure you don't get one of the defective ones that only RoadRunners can go through.

They deliver fast.

--------------------------------------------------------

I have to read a chapter and three websites, then submit a 2-page double spaced Precis to my professor, but I don't speak French, and precis (with a funny mark over the e) looks like a French word.  Also, he calls himself Fred, but the syllabus says his name's William, so I think he's probably an imposter.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 13:30:13
Write the entire thing in Spanish. If he's an imposter, he won't know the difference. Then you can report him to the authorities.


Our new-to-us car has a bad transmission, and I don't have money to fix it. Any help?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 13:31:53
Put the car in neutral and only go downhill.

-----##############%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

I have a live class tonight, and I'm skeered.  What should I do to get courage?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 13:36:57
Drink heavily and try to slur your words.  People will leave you alone.



I just finished lunch with one of our members and I feel to tired to work on my sermons. What to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 14:15:13
Whoever messed up the format of the last page may have been drinking heavily already.

-------------

Download one of Charles Stanley's in mp3, then lipsync this Sunday.  I'm sure it'll fly.



I'm tired of waiting on a book from the library I've got on hold to come in, but am too cheap to buy the book.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 14:59:46
Illegally download the book from the internet.  There are sites where this can be done, I think.  Kazboo or some such thing.

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I need to leave early for class this evening to pick something up from the store, but I don't remember what I need to pick up.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 15:02:51
Buy one of each.


I slept wrong last night and now my neck HURTS. What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 15:14:21
Don't take any chance on doing this again.  Don't go to bed tonight.

Meantime, for the pain, take this new medicine called Placebos.  I don't know what this medicine is, but from all the tests they use it in, it must be able to help just about anything.

********************()()()()()()()()()()()()()***********************

I don't know all the answers, but I still want to answer all the questions.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: djcasp on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 16:27:21
either question all the answers or use Lead Acetate as a sweetner for your coffee/tea
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm bored out of my skull when I have to stay home from work. what should i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 19:00:09
Using tweezers, carefully pull every hair from your body one at a time.


DS has a LOT of hot wheels. Can you give me some creative ideas for putting them to use?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Tue Aug 22, 2006 - 19:00:20
Call the pay phone company, and demand they buy a personal phone number for each phone.

My family needs money. What do I do>?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Aug 23, 2006 - 13:45:31
Print your own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not everybody agrees with me on every subject.  How do I fix that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Wed Aug 23, 2006 - 15:42:24
Just realize the others don't know what they are talking about, so don't worry about it.


My puppy cries all night,  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Aug 23, 2006 - 21:09:23
Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  Chances are he's not a puppy, but a rare species of dog-crocodile that infiltrates people's homes.  I mean, have you ever heard the phrase "dog tears"?  Of course not.  But these dog-crocs are dangerous.  They will appear all cute and cuddly until the family becomes comfortable and starts to even love the demonic creature.  Then, one late, dark night, you'll be asleep in your bed and before you know it....SNAP!

It's a terrible, terrible thing to lose one's toes in this way.

So hurry.  find the highest room in your house (crocs like low, damp places) and lock yourself inside.  Take plenty of food.  The average life-span of a dog-croc is 13 years.

-------^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^____________^^^^^^^^^^^^-----

People say I've lost touch with reality, but I don't think there's such a thing as reality.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Aug 23, 2006 - 21:54:37
Cover yourself from head to toe with catsup.  Or, if you prefer, ketchup.  That always helps.
______________________________________

I've gotten addicted to the five-in-a-row game on the 'puter.  How do I quit?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Aug 23, 2006 - 22:55:47
Click this link. (http://www.netives.com/Games/Marbles/Play.shtml)
-----...............-------------..............------------...........----------------

I'm frustrated because the Masters program I'm working on has me repeat a lot of education classes I completed as an undergraduate because my degree is not an ed degree.  What can I do about this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Thu Aug 24, 2006 - 09:25:27
Pay the money to take the course but never show up for class since you already know the information.



My 2 year old insists on playing Chick A Chick A Boom Boom next to me while I work on my sermons.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Aug 24, 2006 - 09:52:53
Incorporate Chick A Chick A Boom Boom into your sermon.  That's two points, possibly four, taken care of.
________________

What's the best way to cure a cough?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 24, 2006 - 10:31:14
Moonshine.  I can find a distributer if you'd like.

!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!@!

(Weeble, that was my anxiety dream last night....)

My clinical experience supervisor doesn't seem to know how to attach a word file, which creates extra work for me when he tells me to download a form, fill it out, and return it.  What can I do about this?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Aug 24, 2006 - 21:52:35
Make up your own documents using Corel Word Perfect. That will really confuse him.


A woman in one of our branch locations keeps publicly blaming me for something that I have nothing to do with. How can I save my reputation without looking like I'm just trying to cover my tracks?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: djcasp on Fri Aug 25, 2006 - 22:38:30
arrange for your local mobster to pay her and her family a visit.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my wife is pregnant and all the ensuing "craziness" that goes with. What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Aug 25, 2006 - 22:41:17
run away.  run far, far away.  And I feel for ya.  I've got a little bit of time before Jr. is coming out.  and I am tired of the nuttiness.

---------------------------------------------

My wife found out I think she is crazy now that she is pregnant.  How do I deal with her anger added to the craziness?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Aug 25, 2006 - 23:22:37
Tell her you thinks she's put on a little too much weight. She'll never speak to you again and you will have some relief.


My dog needs a bath, but he has very long fur and it's difficult to get him completely clean. I don't want to pay $40 to have a groomer bathe him. Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Aug 25, 2006 - 23:24:43
Drive through car wash in the bed of a pickup.
__________________________

I'm getting so tired of interviewing people for jobs at work and church.  Is there a short cut?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Aug 26, 2006 - 20:41:59
Get all the candidates together and play a big game of rock, paper scissors.  The winner gets the job.

-----------------------

I sweat too much while preaching.  Any thoughts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Aug 26, 2006 - 21:44:15
Preach naked.  You will be much cooler, and hey, the chicks dig it.

----------------------------------------------------------

Its hard sleeping with a daughter who is crying at night.  How do I get some sleep?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sun Aug 27, 2006 - 07:33:54
Move.
----------------------------------------

I have no idea. What do I do [?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Aug 27, 2006 - 07:58:04
Watch television; you'll get plenty of ideas.  Of course, most of them will be useless or worse, but this is the bad advice thread.
_________________________

My arthritic toe hurts.  How do I get rid of the pain?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: djcasp on Sun Aug 27, 2006 - 22:14:25
if your toe offends you. cut it off (its scriptural)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

my car is squeaking what do i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Sun Aug 27, 2006 - 22:17:07
Play your iPod very loudly while you drive. You won't be able to hear the squeaking.


I am thoroughly addicted to fountain drinks - esp. diet coke. How can I break this habit?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Aug 27, 2006 - 22:39:41
Move to something stronger, like vodka.
____________________

There are a few shingles missing from my roof.  What's the best way to fix them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Mon Aug 28, 2006 - 07:08:18
Buy a new roof.

The truck's brakes are messed up. What do I do [?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Aug 28, 2006 - 11:20:15
Go turn yourself in at the police station for underage driving.  Then tell the policemen to go get your truck for you and bring it in.

-*_*_*_*-8-8-8-*_*_*-*_*-*-*4163164654647*&^^*&&**^&*&*

My feet hurt.  Help me.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Mon Aug 28, 2006 - 14:27:13
I think I'll stay here, but try hitting it with a hammer, then you'll have new pain, or damage the nerve endings, effectively ERADICATING the pain! Or run. A lot.

Lol, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Aug 28, 2006 - 23:09:29
Admit to everyone on the board that you also post here using the names "nevertheless" and "memmy">

&*^%$^&*((^&%$$##^

mistergus seems to be vaguely threatening me, but I don't know what he's talking about.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Aug 29, 2006 - 07:21:37
Vaguely reply, using numerology and other groundless assertions.  Al Sharpton's speeches may provide some help in this.
__________________________

Marc appears to be cussin' between his answer and question on this thread.  How do I get him to clean up his act?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Aug 29, 2006 - 08:06:14
Break into his house late one night and remove those keys from his keyboard.


I am not getting paid fairly for the amount of work I am doing. DH says I need to stand up for myself, but I don't want to jeopardize my job - I actually like it. How can I get more $$$ without making myself overly annoying?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Aug 29, 2006 - 08:54:23
Hack into your companies payroll and have all the rounded-off numbers put into your account.  It works in the movies. (it's been a while, so I may be off as to the specifics.)

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&**&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

I need to get a TB test so I can do some in-school stuff, and I hate going through the hassle.  What can I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 22:12:13
Go down to the health clinic, sit outside the door, and slobber on yourself like David did before Achish King of Gath.  If anyone asks you anything, make sure your answers are completely incoherent.  Before you go type a piece of paper up declaring yourself to be free of TB.  When a doctor walks out the door, tell him you will go away, but all you need is his signature on the petition in your hand to make it illegal for ticks to bite dogs.  He'll sign it to bet you out of the way, and you can take that to your school.

------------------------

God calls me not to store up treasures in barns for the future, but instead to live by faith in him knowing that he will provide my needs like he does for the birds of the air and the lilies of the field.  I have a tendency to store up in barns instead of relying on him to provide for tomorrow.  I don't want to be the camel that is too fat to go through the eye of the needle, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 22:18:32
Sell everything and move to South Carolina.

*(&^%$*&)))*&%^$^%^%$$^&*&*^^&*((&*(&*************

I want to go to bed, but people won't quit posting.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 22:25:40
Send a virus to the system and crash everyone's pc.  Then the posting will end.

----------------------------

People think I am out of touch because my favorite shows are Andy Griffith, Green Acres, Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best and the Beverly Hillbillies.  The only other thing I watch are sports and news.  For some reason I just can't bring myself to watch Desperate Houswives, Dance Your Pants Off, or any of today's shows.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 22:36:34
subscribe to skin-a-max.

That'll teach those people to say you are a prude.

----------------------------------------

My wife is getting ready to deliver, but we want to hold off for a few days so the baby will be 37 weeks old before birth.  How do we keep the baby in?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 22:40:45
Have her use one of these for several hours a day:
(http://www.runningmeerkat.com/images/expopig4_s.jpg)

--------------

How could we engage children in our worship assemblies more?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 22:43:10
Allow time for parents to meet and discuss the bride price and all the details about the marriage.  Then allow them to enter into engagement contracts with other families.

-----------------------

I want to run five miles a day, but I am out of shape.  I want to start tomorrow.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 22:54:13
Tomorrow, say you will start tomorrow.  Its always a day away.

---------------------------------------------------------

I need to go to bed, but I ain't tired yet.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 23:01:05
A bottle of sleeping pills should do the trick.



Last year I lost quite a bit of weight. Now I'm putting quite a bit back on because I can't afford healthy food. (Broke food = ramen noodles & mac n cheese = not healthy). How can I eat healthy but cheaply?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 23:03:15
mac n cheese isn't healthy?  Well, that explains that.

Anyway, there are plenty of greens growing in your yard.  Think home-made salad.

&^%^&***&^%%$^&&*((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

I want to become a hippie, but they're passe'.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 23:05:54
mac n cheese isn't healthy?  Well, that explains that.

Anyway, there are plenty of greens growing in your yard.  Think home-made salad.

&^%^&***&^%%$^&&*((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

I want to become a hippie, but they're passe'.  Any suggestions?

Take my advice Marc, I've told you before.  Smoke dope.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No one is taking my advice about smoking dope.  How am I supposed to expand my market share, if people won't buy my product?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Aug 30, 2006 - 23:59:33
Start giving it away to little kids.  As they begin to like it, they will come to you for more.  By then you ought to be able to ask whatever you want for it.

---------------------

My step-grandmother has a granddaughter who is Mormon.  She defends the fact that this girl is a Christian vehemently and won't consider the fact that Mormons just might be a cult.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 31, 2006 - 10:56:31
Order a whole lot of Jehovah's Witness tracts to be sent to her, and request that they visit her personally.  If the JWs convert her, she will then consider the Mormons a cult.

^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><

I feel like my not being a Catholic dishoners my Irish-Catholic forbears.  Should I convert?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: djcasp on Thu Aug 31, 2006 - 16:07:39
no don't convert. its hard to be a alcohol guzzling irish-catholic and hippie at the same time.


-------------------------------------------------------

i would like my church to sing more new songs what should i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Aug 31, 2006 - 16:30:29
Burn all the hymnals, and replace them with stapled sheets of the music you prefer.
___________________

Our best candidate for Children's Minister just decided that Maryland is too far away to move.  What should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 31, 2006 - 16:39:25
Relocate your congregation.  Should be easy.

________((((((((((((((((((^^^^^^)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))___________

I just learned on another thread that raising hands is okay, but raising arms isn't.  The detachment process seems messy.  What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Aug 31, 2006 - 17:06:29
That means that it's OK to hold up a hand of cards, but not weapons.  So, you can go ahead and play poker in church, as long as you don't shoot folks for cheating.
_______________________

I've worn a hole through the leather on the side of the seat in my car.  How should I fix it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Aug 31, 2006 - 17:18:37
They make some stuff in a spray bottle than can fix that.  It's called English Leather.

Unless, of course, you drive a Swedish car.  Then you'll need to buy some Aqua Volvo.

+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_++_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_

I just went over to Faithsite and stirred up trouble there, too.  I have other things to do.  help me!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Thu Aug 31, 2006 - 18:42:32
Enroll at MSOP soon.  Then everyone will love you.

--------------------------

I am going to cook eggs for supper, but don't want to get up from the computer.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 08:28:09
Turn the CPU fan off and then the computer will heat up and you can cook the eggs and surf at the same time.



I have a big test today but I don't remember if it is in Church History or Spiritual formation what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 08:36:43
For every answer, rephrase the question into a statement, and write "And if you agree with God, you will agree with me, for I agree with God."

------------------------------------------

I am stuck watching Between the Lions all day, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 08:40:11
Play dead, maybe the Lions will go away.


My girlfriend thinks I'm mean and ugly.  How can I change her mind?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Cross-titled on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 09:48:39
I shouldn't be that hard.  I mean it isn't brain surgery.  Hey wait! That would work!

------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm going to the Buckeye game Saturday.  There's a good chance it will rain.  How do I keep from getting wet?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 09:51:03
I don't mind rooting for Ohio State.  I definitely will be rooting for them November 18th.  I will rooting against them October 14th.  I definitely hope the Buckeyes lose on October 14th.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 10:19:27
I shouldn't be that hard.  I mean it isn't brain surgery.  Hey wait! That would work!

------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm going to the Buckeye game Saturday.  There's a good chance it will rain.  How do I keep from getting wet?

Move back and forth very quickly there by missing the rain drops.



The church is having internet difficulties (no e-mail) how do I check it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Cross-titled on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 11:44:36
I don't mind rooting for Ohio State.  I definitely will be rooting for them November 18th.  I will rooting against them October 14th.  I definitely hope the Buckeyes lose on October 14th.

I think we have something in common!  We both have our favorite teams and our second favorite team is whoever is playing Michigan!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 11:52:02
I count Michigan losses as good as Michigan State wins.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Cross-titled on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 12:11:08
Oh, so that's how you guys get to double digits!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 13:01:56
The church is having internet difficulties (no e-mail) how do I check it?

Call up your local newspaper, and tell them that the church e-mail is being used by one of the local political candidates to send secret messages to his/her supporters.  They'll hire someone to break into the site, download the messages, and print them in their paper with analysis explaining how what they say isn't what they really mean.  You can read them there.
___________________

People are hijacking this thread to talk about football in some bifurcated northern state.  How can we get them to quit?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 13:10:40
The bad advice would be to tell them to quit in the first place.  They may incite another southern butt kicking.

-------------------

all these faithsite people are coming here.  How do I secretly ban them all?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 18:17:53
Send them a 50-question quiz designed to tell where they stand on all major issues and tell them they won't gain posting privileges unless they pass it.  Then never pass anyone. 

I've already started the process.

^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#^#

It looks like summer's over, and I'm depressed.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 21:32:22
Turn on the oven, and put your head in it.  It will feel like summer all over again.
__________________

After several weeks of not having to mow, Tropical Storm Ernesto is going to turn my yard into a jungle.  How to a cut it with a minimum amount of effort?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 21:36:09
gas and a match, then install artifical turf

--------------------------------------

How do I sit through the boring movies my wife always picks out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 21:42:53
Aren't you the one always recommending medical marijuana?
_______________________

I have an overdue book from the library.  How do I get out of paying the fine?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Sep 01, 2006 - 21:45:49
If you never take the book back, you never have to pay the fine.  Going through my books the other day, I found a book from the Charleston library due in 1992....

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*!!!!!!!

Now that I'm spending more time in Charleston than I have since the early nineties, I'd like to use the library again, but I'm afraid I'll be arrested if I try.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 00:27:19
Have a sex change they will never know it's you.



I have got to go to Florence tommorrow but I can't decide if I am going to eat at Swamp Johns or Casa Maxicana. Where should I eat?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 10:18:51
If you're going to Italy, you probably want to try Italian food instead of the stuff those places normally serve.  To be absolutely certain, go into one of the restauraunts you mentioned and order spaghetti.

^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@???

The last several mornings, I've woke up with a headache that's taken a couple of hours to clear (blame that Ernesto guy; he sent us a ton of rain).  what can I do to get a better start on my day?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 10:32:34
Sleep later, that way when you get up you have slept through the headache


My pen will not write, how do I get it started?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 11:57:13
Put it in the microwave. The heat will get the ink rolling again. Caution: the pen might get a little melty.




DS loves Thomas the Tank Engine, but that theme song is about to drive me nuts. What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 12:28:14
Barney. 24 hours a day.  Solves all problems, kind of the same way a lobotomy does.

!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$!$

I keep going to sleep while doing my class work.  How can I stay awake without drugs?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 17:38:45
Barney. 24 hours a day.  That'll keep you from sleeping.
__________________

I need to patch the floor in the threshold between my powder room and entry hall, but the flooring has been discontinued.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 17:47:10
And you've gotten too big to use tar-paper? 

*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

I just took a quiz online and didn't do very well, because the quiz mostly covered the part of the chapter that I payed the least attention to, and even then was all about names of researchers and the like, which I paid less attention to than the concepts discussed (I only missed three, but there were only 10 questions). I get to re-take the quiz.  How do I make sure I do better this time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 18:12:31
Hack the online test, so that, no matter how you answer, you'll get credit for 10/10.
_________________________

My daughter just called from college to say her printer has quit printing.  What's the best way to fix a defective printer?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 19:40:58
:-| Pray.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 20:24:24
And while you're praying, go find an old manual typewriter, tear out the little things that hit the paper when you hit the keys (I'm sure I knew what they were called at one time), and insert them into the printer.  That should work.

#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(#(

I'm hot, but I don't want to turn the air cOnditioner on.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 20:39:02
Go sit in the freezer.  Take your clothes off first for best effect.
___________________

I have chill bumps and uncontrollable shivering from sitting in the freezer.  How should I warm up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 20:58:37
Do yOu not haVe an ovEn? 

^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@^@+++++++++++++++

I sat in the freezer a while, and that was all right, but I had to toss everything out first, and now stuff has melted all over my kitchen floor.  I refuse to clean it up, so what can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sat Sep 02, 2006 - 23:44:04
(First I'll give you good advice) That's easy, invite all the prostitutes in town tomorrow to your house for a cookout.  Then invite all the church members over to share the gospel with them.

Now bad advice:  Just leave it out and cook it whenever you get to it.  If any of it sits out more than two weeks, take it to the local senior's center and give it away.  They'll love you.

-----------------------

All our senior citizens have been poisoned by Marc's rotten meat that made it all the way to OK.  What shall we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Sep 03, 2006 - 08:07:17
Tell 'em it's demon possession, and have a mass exorcism with a stomach pump.
_____________________

With the old sheriff retiring, we have about a jillion people running for that office.  How do I figure out the best one by the primary a week from Tuesday?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sun Sep 03, 2006 - 13:31:01
Write in Andy Taylor



Alabama and Auburn both won their football games yesterday and our members are acting a little pompous today.  How should I handle them.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Sep 03, 2006 - 17:03:53
Tell 'em they'll never get by Vandy.

---------^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^--------------

I spilled Diet Pepsi all in my keyboard earlier, and missed church because of the time it took to clean it up.  What do I do to keep from being struck by a thunderbolt from above?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Sep 03, 2006 - 17:38:19
If you have Sunday evening services, go forward, and ask for forgiveness.  If you don't, then tear your clothes, shave your head, dress in sackcloth, and throw dust and ashes on your head.
___________________

My wife is cleaning out the cupboard, and she wants me to help.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sun Sep 03, 2006 - 19:01:13
Make Soup!




I am tired of eating soup what do I do.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Sep 04, 2006 - 21:06:15
Put it outside in bowls to feed all the neighborhood stray cats.  Invite Nick to help you, as he is such a cat lover.
______________________

There are dead bugs in my kitchen light fixture.  What's the best way to remove them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Sep 04, 2006 - 22:17:49
High pressure water hose.  Turn all of your kitchen appliances on while you're doing it so you can get them all clean, too.

@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%@%

Some time in the next year, I think I may want to change churches, but I don't want to offend anyone.  Is there a discreet way to do this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 07:07:30
Make a full color copy of your face on a color copier, and paste it onto the head of a manniquin.  Dress the manniquin in some of your clothes, and hide a tape player with a continous loop of yourself talking.  Put it in your usual pew at church.
________________________

It's pouring rain this morning.  What's the best way to stay dry between the car and the office?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 10:33:29
(a continuous loop of myself talking is part of the reason I want to change....)

Pull your car up against your office door, so close you can't even open the cardoor.  Roll down your window and climb out.

!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!)!!)!)!)!)!))!)!)!)!))!)!)!)!)!))!)!)!)!)!)!))!)!

I need to find a job that will work with my school schedule.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 12:09:55
Get a job on a garbage truck.  You'll get to go out early in the morning, and get finished before classes.  As a bonus, you'll get your choice of seats in class, without anybody crowding you.
________________

They've been doing remodeling at one of my customer's site, which included moving some servers.  Now, one of my servers is not booting up.  How do I fix it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 13:29:51
::destroyingcomputer::







I have to write three papers this week but I would rather be on Grace centered.  The minutes are slipping away, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 13:31:54
Copy people's posts and incorporate them into some papers.  Between posts by CDHealy, MDD344, Lee Freeman, and blituri, you will have no problem.

----------------------------------------------------------

Detective John Kimball is calling me and asking me who my daddy is, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 14:23:27
Tell them your daddy is 300 pounds of twisted steal and sex appeal!




Little Bear is driving me to the point that I want him shot and hanging on my wall, but still my children want to watch it again and again. help me!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 14:25:36
Get them to watch "Between the Lions" and welcome to my world.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife's baby hasn't come yet.  How do I get the baby to come out now?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 14:31:54
I've told you before--Barney.  Play Barney, and the sound of his voice will draw out your little one.

^@#&^!#^$(&^#)$*)!^%__!!(#_$(______________________

I have so much to do that thinking about it makes me want to crawl under my bed and curl up into a ball. How do I get started with what I need to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 17:50:06
Don't.  Just crawl under your bed and curl up into a ball.  All your problems will then go away.
__________________

I'm covered with dust bunnies from under my bed.  How do I get them off?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 17:55:14
Get a roll of duct tape and wrap yourself up, then get your wife to yank it off quickly.  It'll take the dust bunnies right off.

------------

I'm 1800 miles from really good Tex-Mex.  I'm going through withdrawals...bad.  What's an hombre to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 20:14:12
There's only one thing you can do.  Road trip!
_____________________

I'm hot and sweaty from walking the dog on a humid night.  What's a good way to cool down?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 21:26:12
Stagnant Cesspool.  That way you don't have to worry about critters bitting at your toes.



I have now become addicted to Between the Lions,  Smarty Pants Dance, and Cliff Hanger are the BOMB! How do I get it to stop.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Sep 05, 2006 - 22:42:17
Okay.  So you aren't paying attention either.   ::shrug::

(http://www.richkern.com/vb/Articles/Lions/barney.jpg)

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*!*!*!*!*!@*@*@*@*#**#*#*#*********

I have nothing in my head except Education classes and Barney.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Thu Sep 07, 2006 - 21:49:33
Write a thesis on how Barney has changed your life





MY mother In Law is comming into to town for the weekend, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Sep 07, 2006 - 22:05:57
Well, it's too early for Barney on Ice, so....

try to impress her by showing her how frugal you are.  Hide all of your furniture and sit on milk crates.  You can build furniture any shape and size out of them.

$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$^$

I have to get up early tomorrow, drive my mother to the doctor, and babysit my three-year-old neice while she's in there.  How do I cope?  They won't be playing barney on the televisions, so I have to find some other way.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 00:09:18
Let your three year old neice take your mom to the doctor and then you can stay at home and study for your class.



The princess Bride is on but I need to go to sleep what do I do? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 00:11:43
Sleep is totally and in all other ways, inconceivable.  Inconceivable!

-----------------------------------------

How do I find the six fingered man?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 07:12:19
Avoid sleep long enough, say for three or four days straight, and you'll see him, along with lots of other interesting things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The construction workers in the new crackerbox housing development near us are noisey.  How do I get them to be quiet?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 11:39:28
Hide all their tools from them,  and tell them this is a new game that you are playing.   They will love the rest time.


I am walking in my sleep,  how do I stop this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 15:13:20
Watch the scene in the movie Misery with the wood block between the ankles and go and do likewise.



I am wondering if that is really Peggy Joyce's picture. How can I tell?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 16:11:23
Have the Chairman of the HP board do the research for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm trying to lose weight, but our small group is grilling steak tonight.  How do I rationalize eating lots of steak so that I don't feel guilty?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 17:46:31
Atkins Diet-time.  You'll have to keep the bread in your pocket a secret, though.

%#%#%#%#%#%#%#%#%#%#%#%#

I've listened to a cd full of kids songs all day, and a groove is worn in my brain.  What do I do about it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 17:53:42
Walk ever so slightly to your left, then stop. Something always drops on you from a hole in your ceiling. Make sure your in a totally white room.

Too much stuff is dropping on me in the totally white rooms. Help, and what do I do[?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 22:54:24
Stay out of white rooms!




I have an itch that I cant scratch. how do I reach it!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Sep 08, 2006 - 23:40:24
Have you tried running naked through a thicket of thorns?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
____________________________________________ _______________

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____________________________________________ ________________

I refuse to take any of the advice given on this thread.  Is that a good thing?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Sep 09, 2006 - 13:35:41
You should take all the advice given on this thread.  It will improve your life.  Either that, or end up with you in prison or worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have chores to do, but I want to take a nap.  How do I decide?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Sep 09, 2006 - 17:12:58
Sleep on it, then make the decision when you wake up.

@^@^@^@&#&$^*>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I'd like to go watch my nephew's football game, but I have too much to do.  Advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sat Sep 23, 2006 - 00:10:46
Well now that the time has gone back to September 10th you should be done with what you had to do and you can now go to the game.


We have a missionary coming this sunday and I am not speaking. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Sep 23, 2006 - 00:13:08
Sleep in and watch the NFL pre-game.  Even a preacher/minister/pastor/reverend deserves a break.

--------------------------------

I should go to sleep, but I'm like an addict who broke out of treatment because I couldn't get over the withdrawals.  Only my drug is GCM.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Sep 23, 2006 - 00:16:39
Sleep's overrated.  Go for 48 hours of uninterrupted posting.  You'll end up with some of your most insightful posts ever.

Advice typed which no longer applies: Sit back and listen very close, then when he's finished speaking, get up and point out every mistake he made.  Grammar.  Pronunciation.  Biblical Quotes.  All of them.  It will make you look much smarter in the eyes of your congregation.

____________________________________________ ___________

There's a wedding I should go to tomorrow, but I have to go to the doctor and do several school assignments, and I don't see how I'll have time.  It's possible someone will get mad at me if I don't go.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Sep 23, 2006 - 12:08:55
Take your books and laptop computer with you, find a pew to spread out in, and work on the assignments during the wedding.  Invite your doctor to the reception afterwards.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need to buy a pallet load of landscaping bricks, but my car is a sedan.  How do I get it home?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sun Sep 24, 2006 - 07:18:52
Run.

I want to scream. What do I do[?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Sep 24, 2006 - 13:00:22
Go have a doctor unpack and repack two feet of gauze into an open place in your shin without anasthesia.  You'll scream.

(*(*(*(*(*(*((*(*((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((***********

I took my pain meds without food this morning and have been throwing up ever since.  What can I do about this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Sep 24, 2006 - 13:08:49
Tell people not to worry and that you just found out you were pregnant.

-------------------------------------------------

My feet are itchin' like crazy.  Got that athlete's foot or something.  How do I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sun Sep 24, 2006 - 15:16:02
Become an athlete.

I tripped twice today, in two minutes. Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Sep 24, 2006 - 17:59:51
Wrap your whole body, head to foot, in multiple layers of bubble wrap.  That way, if you trip again, it won't hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a painful hangnail.  What's the best way to fix it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Sep 24, 2006 - 20:49:24
Go stay at a Holiday Inn Express tonight, and in the morning ask a random guest to fix it for you.  That's how I get all of my dentistry done.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I will soon be doing a clinical experience in a 7th grade classroom, and I'm scared of 7th graders.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sun Sep 24, 2006 - 21:04:34
Show them the boil.  The guys will be in awe, the girls scared into not causing trouble.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

I'm very tired after a weekend retreat...how do I get enough rest and still get everything on my long list of to-do's done?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Mon Sep 25, 2006 - 01:03:29
Find someone to clone you and have your clone to do all the work while you sleep

The coffee pot is empty and the wife is away what am I to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Sep 26, 2006 - 09:35:08
Just spoon the coffee grounds straight into your mouth, then drink boiling hot water.  The coffee will brew right there in your mouth, so there will be no mess to clean up.  If it's too hot to stand, swallow it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My mouth and throat are scalded, and I can't taste anything.  How do I fix that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Sep 26, 2006 - 11:09:38
Snort your food through your nose with a straw.

Because my house is not insulated (yes, you heard me) our electric/gas bills are horrific. Can you give me some suggestions on ways to save money and not freeze or burn up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Sep 26, 2006 - 16:01:51
Move in with the in-laws.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the best way to get rid of mildew in the shower?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Cross-titled on Tue Sep 26, 2006 - 16:50:37
Paint your shower black.

*************************

Why would I give you a home where the buffalo roam and the skies are not cloudy all day?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Sep 26, 2006 - 17:27:36
Umm, is that a request for advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Sep 26, 2006 - 17:39:36
Paint your shower black.

*************************

Why would I give you a home where the buffalo roam and the skies are not cloudy all day?


Because you want to use it for your parsonage.



I just had to retake a test on line and messed it up big time. What do I do now? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Tue Sep 26, 2006 - 19:09:41
Tell them that in today's world of no absolutes, you scored 100. Kind of.

-----------------------------------------------------

I'm upset that Alabama lost to Arkansas when they dominated them everywhere except on the scoreboard because our kicker missed 5 field goals.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Sep 26, 2006 - 20:11:24
Obviously, you need to switch your team allegiance to Arkansas.  You don't even have to change colors.  Just practice yelling "woo, pig, sooiee!"

(One of those was just a PAT.  Of course, that was the difference in the game.  I was telling my wife Saturday night that I feel really bad for the beating that kid's going to take in the Alabama press.  And he is just a kid, still.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife has signed on to help the local high school band make one of their props, an 18 foot high cloth covered pyramid (their theme is Aida).  There are going to be large quantities of cloth all over our house.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Wed Sep 27, 2006 - 09:41:34
Cut the cloth into squares about 6 inches and then make small stacks of them in your bedroom.  That will at least make it look clean.




They are not done remodeling the womens bathroom at church and I doubt it will be done for services tonight.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Sep 27, 2006 - 10:30:07
Women don't really need bathroom facilities the way men do, so I wouldn't worry about it.  They can hold it until they get home.

#############################################

The youth rally's a little more than a week away, and I'm worried that nobody'll show up.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Sep 27, 2006 - 11:48:45
Announce that free PS3 game consoles will be given to all that attend.  Then let the elders know that you've promised that, and that they will need to purchase them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been trying to loose weight, and lost six pounds quickly, but have now been stuck at the same weight for three weeks.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Sep 27, 2006 - 12:50:52
Since you know those six pounds are easy to lose, gain them back, then lose them again.  Repeat until you have lost the desired amount of weight.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{

Since we have no elders, I'm now on the hook for the cost of a couple hundred ps3s.  This type of thing happens over and over, but this time, I don't have the money.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 09:54:23
Send the bill to the "little old widows"   they need to be pulling their weight.  Tell them this is their responsibility.   They will immediately come up with the money.



***********************************************************

I have been asked to sing a solo in church,   but I really don't want to.
How do I say no in a nice way?????
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 11:03:59
I find that when I am faced with such problems, I often find the solution in 19th century American literature.  I think a short story by Melville called "Bartleby the Scrivener" contains your solution.

Don't say anything yet. Then, when they call you up to sing, simply say, "I prefer not to."  If they ask you why, repeat the same phrase, "I prefer not to."  And refuse to move.

Repeat this phrase as many times as necessary.

This worked out well for Bartleby, iirc.  Well, except for the dying in prison part.

******************************************************

I need to find a job that won't interfere with my studies.  Any suggestions? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: charlie on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 12:11:46
Become a gigolo at the nearest women's college. Some of them might be smart enough to pay you with free tutoring. The rest will just have to pony up the cash.

**************************************************************

My dog keeps eating out of my cats' litter box. We kennel him sometimes or just keep him away from it, and we've scolded him plenty, so he knows it's wrong, but every once in a while we let our guard down and he does it again? What can we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 13:26:30
My wife said all of my suggestions to this problem were gross and not fit to submit, so just shoot the dog.   ::beatingdeadhorse::




My wife is mad at me because of my potty humor, "Just like our 5 year old" she says.  How do I convince her I am a grown up.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 16:29:45
Lay down on the floor and kick and scream until she admits your mature.

*********************************************

Well, I just got back from the local women's college, and my self-esteem's at a new low.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 16:59:05
Go check out some self-esteem tapes from the local library.  Or, just watch a network sitcom or two, and then feel good about yourself that you could write a better story than the TV sitcom writers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife left some pillows outside to air out.  When I got home from work, it was pouring rain, and they are  now soaked.  What's the best way to dry them out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 17:01:07
That junk inside diapers man.  Use it.

-----------------------------------------

Sgt. Slaughter and the rest of G.I. Joe constantly are harassing me.  How do I get them to leave me and my organization alone so I can take over the world?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 17:02:48
Go check out some self-esteem tapes from the local library.  Or, just watch a network sitcom or two, and then feel good about yourself that you could write a better story than the TV sitcom writers.



Usually, it goes, "These guys are making a living writing, and I'm not?  You've gotta be kidding!"
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 17:04:54
That junk inside diapers man.  Use it.

-----------------------------------------

Sgt. Slaughter and the rest of G.I. Joe constantly are harassing me.  How do I get them to leave me and my organization alone so I can take over the world?

Enlist the Barbie bunch for help.  I hear Barbie has a horse now that eats and then expels the food out the other end. That has to be good for something.

Short of that, I'd give Skeletor a call.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Well, now I'm depressed that those guys who write sitcoms have jobs and I can't get my novels published.  It probably has something to do with my never actually submitting them to anyone, but I'm still depressed.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 22:45:37
Open a web site and publish them your self and charge everyone the price for admission



My dog needs a hair cut and I have no clppers what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Sep 28, 2006 - 22:52:49
You have a lawnmower, right?  I don't see a problem.

#############################################

I have a busy weekend ahead.  A doctor's visit.  Papers to write.  A youth rally to prepare for.  How do I fit more hours into the day?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: charlie on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 07:45:32
Open up a MySpace account and make sure all your friends chat with you there.

Every time I eat onions I get really windy in the rear. What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 07:51:08
Open up a MySpace account and make sure all your friends chat with you there.

Every time I eat onions I get really windy in the rear. What can I do?

Get a plugging device for your rear to block the wind from coming out.

-------------------------

I really should clean the house to help my wife out, but I don't want to.  How can I get it clean without doing it myself while she is gone?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 11:51:20
Hire someone to seed the clouds with the type of paint you are using.  You'll end up with a watercolor house.  And yard.  And street.  And neighbor.

****************************************************

I'm hungry, but I don't want any of the food I have in the house and don't want to go to the store.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 19:30:05
I think you should march into your neighbor's house and help yourself.  This works best if it's between the hours of 1a.m. and 4a.m.
 

 I need help with this, I really don't feel like going to work today I have the phone in my hand but I'm not sure what to tell my boss.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 19:41:49
Nothing you say will be good enough.  Just hang up the phone.  Don't go to work, though.  Your boss will appreciate your not bothering him or lying to him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I need to write a couple of papers, but I'm sinusy and can't think.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 19:49:15
the best thing you can do is Plagiarize.  keep in mind you want something that will be profound so I'd suggest paying someone top dollar for their paper.  I hope my advice has helped.

I'm not sure what to do about this,  my wife's birthday is today should I get her a gift and if so what can I get her she wasn't to happy with the new mop I got her last year???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 19:53:25
Well, obviously she wouldn't be happy with a mop by itself.  She needs a first-rate mop bucket to go with it.  There's your answer.

****************************************************

I have to go supervise a bunch of kids all day tomorrow, but I have classwork to do.  How can I do both?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 21:59:39
Your right you can't do both so I would say leave the kids at  your house (it will be noise with the kids running around) and go to the library.  Leaving a pack of matches lying around is optional.


Some how I locked myself out of the house and there's water boiling on the stove I'm not sure what to do, any suggestions.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 22:30:47
Set the house on fire and it will dry up the water, and the hole that you burn in the side of the house will allow you to walk right in. 


I had Pizza tonight with extra Jalapenos, now I have heart burn. How do I cool it off?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Sep 29, 2006 - 22:48:57
Downing a quart of Vodka (chilled) should help.  You might even sleep a little better.


____________________________________________ ________________


I'm going to put a new roof on our house but I have a limited budget and the materials I need are expensive any Idea how I can cut a few cornors.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sat Sep 30, 2006 - 09:15:50
Use duct tape. Or popcorn.

Help. What doI do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Sat Sep 30, 2006 - 10:05:24
Put a metal trash can over your head and bang on it with a hammer


My wife wants to watch one channel on the tv while I want to watch the other what to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Sat Sep 30, 2006 - 11:40:12
Have an arm wrestling match winner take all and after you lose tell her how lucky you are to be married to her.


I just spilled paint on our new carpet what's the best way to get rid of the stain???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sat Sep 30, 2006 - 15:30:59
Just paint the rest of the carpet, no one will notice.




I can't find someone to speak for Bible Bowl,  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Sep 30, 2006 - 17:15:16
Let the Bible Bowl speak for itself.

______________________________________

Two of our "best" kids didn't show up for our youth rally run-through today.  How can I convince them of the importance of their being there?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Sat Sep 30, 2006 - 17:38:57
Remind them not to miss the assembly of ourselves together or their soul will be lost.


How do get rid of fire ants?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Sep 30, 2006 - 17:54:03
Fight fire with fire.  Or, fire ants with fire ants.  Catch another colony, and release them by the first.  They will fight to the death, eliminating your problem in the meanwhile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do I get everyone at church to agree with me on matters of opinion, I mean, critical doctrinal issues?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Sep 30, 2006 - 18:15:58
Publish a "Contending for the Froth" type paper detailing you doctrine, then send out letters to every other congregation whose address you can find telling them what line they must toe, threatening to mark them in your paper if they do not follow your teaching.

Once you do this, the people at your congregation will be afraid to disagree with you.

***************************************************

I'm having an allergic reaction to my antibiotic, and the doctor's told me to take benadryl.  This will put me to sleep, and I have a lot to do.  Otoh, my right leg looks as if it has been burned in a bad fire, and this may spread over my whole body.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sat Sep 30, 2006 - 19:52:22
Go ahead and get ahead of schedule by setting your body on fire.  IT will also keep you awake.



My dogs are tired what can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Sun Oct 01, 2006 - 05:05:02
Give them some coffee in their bowls.  Or if your talking about your feet soak your feet in a bowl of coffee.  I like extra cream and no sugar in my coffee when I soak my feet.


My wife's been bugging me to trim our hedges I keep putting it of and I'm running out of excuses what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Oct 01, 2006 - 07:17:13
Let some termites lose in the hedges.  They'll have 'em trimmed in no time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a pile of papers I need to sort through, but I've been putting it off.  What's the best way to handle it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Sun Oct 01, 2006 - 13:27:14
You can turn it in to to a fun and exciting game.  Run them through a document shredder and peace them together there's a few diffrent way you can put them together.  mix and match and see what you come up with or piece them together to get the original papers you first shredded that way as you piece them together you'll read as you go.

I promised to take my elderly neighbor to her doctors appointment tommorrow but I'd much rather go to the beach. what a Delmar what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Oct 01, 2006 - 14:46:00
Doctors like beaches, too.  Call her doctor, and have him/her meet the two of you at the beach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've started publishing my new paper, The Spirited Meat-Cleaver, using shredded paper.  But, I'm having problems getting anything that makes sense by taping those pieces together.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Sun Oct 01, 2006 - 15:05:10
Yeah your not suppose to use tape you gotta use glue, trust me it'll make all the diffrence in the world.

My wife and I had a very heated argument just before I said it's better to bite my toe nails than to use naill clippers.  Who's right and if I'm wrong (which is very doubtful) how can I make it up to her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Sun Oct 01, 2006 - 21:17:54
You of course and to get her to see that--you should just bite her toenails as well then she'll see it your way I'm sure of it!

Just spilled my root beer---How do you get that stain out of carpet? ::help::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Oct 01, 2006 - 21:21:17
Grape juice makes a great carpet cleaner.  Welch's, of course.

******************************************************

I have a kid in class at church who seems to be going through an openly defiant stage.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Mon Oct 02, 2006 - 02:53:42
Pat him on the back and tell him he is awesome for his preformance.

The wife said that the ice box just died what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Mon Oct 02, 2006 - 03:53:26
Call 911 then start CPR!!!


I've just saw an ad for this box which will run an entire house on static electricity instead of conventional electricity.  I saw the ad in the back of a magazine I've been reading called "Identifying scams, frauds, and rip-offs" my wife isn't to crazy about the idea of me buying this box after I spent a fortune on that solar clothes dryer which turned out to be a 100foot length of rope.  Should I invest in the box or not?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Mon Oct 02, 2006 - 08:21:13
Definitely, Think how "shocked" you will be when you get the electric bill!



My coffee cup is empty and the coffee pot is upstairs in the Kitchen.  How can I get a refill.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Oct 02, 2006 - 08:23:20
Definitely, Think how "shocked" you will be when you get the electric bill!



My coffee cup is empty and the coffee pot is upstairs in the Kitchen.  How can I get a refill.

Ring the bell and get your wife to do it.  Snap your fingers even.  Works like a charm.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Its raining outside and I have work to get done.  How do I work in the rain?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Oct 02, 2006 - 08:30:55
I just hold up my empty cup, shake it, and say loudly to my wife in a raspy voice, "EMPTY!" 

Then I go to the kitchen and get more.

But hey, it might work for you, so it's worth trying a few hundred times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need to clean my rifle, but don't have much time.  Anyone know a quick shortcut?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Mon Oct 02, 2006 - 09:31:33
Take your gun to Gary's house and point it to the sky.  The rain from his house will clean out the barrel of your gun and he will feel as if he is accomplishing  something.





My wife just broke my fingers by hitting them with a bell and now I can't pick my nose. what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Oct 02, 2006 - 09:52:26
Guilt her into picking it for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The retirement community they keep advertising on TV looks so nice I'd like to move on in, but I'm a few decades too young.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Oct 02, 2006 - 09:56:13
Move in on Halloween, after watching tons of reruns of Bosom Buddies.  You will understand.

-------------------------------

Some amish friends I know are trying to pull their horses by a cart.  How do I get them to see that they are doing things wrongly by doing them in reverse?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Mon Oct 02, 2006 - 12:02:25
I guess you can start out by pointing out their error using a belligerent tone if that doesn't' work threathen them with an unfounded law suit.


Next week my in-law are coming down to visit us I just can't deal with them any more plus now I'll have to entertain them and miss my favorite show "three's Company".  When they show up on my door step what should I do???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Oct 03, 2006 - 08:25:07
Gary could get you some medical marijuana and you will miss them entirely.



Today I get to go visiting our members with a former elder, but he always wants to eat at the same restaurant.  I am sick of there selection, how can I get him to go somewhere else?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Tue Oct 03, 2006 - 08:56:28
Tell that former elder he's a selfish imp and  your going to a diffrent restaurant plus lunch is on him.   Remind him he's a former elder for a reason...  Just as an a side how can I get in touch with Gary ::whistle::


In 2 weeks I'll be attending my High School class reunion this will be our 25th, I'm kinda of hesitant
about going because I really haven't done anything important to brag about with fomer classmates what should I do???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Oct 03, 2006 - 09:41:48
Just make up stuff - they'll be impressed and you will look important!!
It doesn't matter if it is true or not.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&



I am going on a trip to Brown County, Indiana on the church bus and one of the sisters is a nuisance.    How can I get away from her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Tue Oct 03, 2006 - 10:08:31
I was in a similar situation with a Christian Brother, do what I did I told him the seat was taken and also in a loud voice I insulted him with obscenities.  I had the seat to myself the way to and from our outing.


About 2 months ago I lost my wallet, I thought my friend of 20 years stole it.  I called him on it and he denied it.  I left 12- 18 messages on his answering machine.  The very next day I found it I hadn't gotten a chance to let him know I found it.  Today I found out he had a dinner party last night and I wasn't invited should I take him of my buddy list.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 03, 2006 - 21:13:07
Of course.  he's obviously no friend of yours, otherwise he wouldn't have stolen your wallet and then planted it where you could find it when you called him on it.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Friday nights speaker for our youth rally just cancelled because of a death in his family.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Tue Oct 03, 2006 - 21:35:05
It's rather simple hold the services and the youth rally in the same building. The speaker has to remember the world doesn't revolve around him.

My computer has been freezing up lately does anybody know how to fix something like this.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Oct 03, 2006 - 22:18:05
It's obviously cold, that's why it's freezing up.  Put it in the oven at 450 degrees for 30 minutes, that should warm it up, and stop the freezing problem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dog came within inches of catching a skunk we surprised on our walk this evening.  As soon as I realized what it was, I quickly sprinted the other direction, dragging him along on the leash.  I think I did 50 meters in about three seconds.  How do I get rid of all the extra adrenelin that's still pumping through my body?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Tue Oct 03, 2006 - 23:03:06
You may want to consider selling your Adrenalin on e-bay.  You may even be able to get a couple bucks for you dog.

I've been feeling kind of sluggish lately does anybody have any suggestions  on how I might be able to get a little more energy.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Oct 04, 2006 - 06:16:17
Well, it's commonly known that salt kills slugs, so it follows that the cure for sluggishness is to eat plenty of salt.  Just pour salt on your soup, your sandwiches, your steak, your pizza.  You'll have extra energy before you know it.  You may even get some energy sent directly into your body by a defibrillator.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

I had to get up early this morning to take my sister and her son to the optometrist.  I'm sleepy.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Oct 04, 2006 - 07:05:02
Isn't it obvious?  When you're sleepy, you should obviously make every effort to stay awake, preferably for 48 hours straight.  Massive doses of coffee and/or strong tea may work for you.  Red Bull and similar nasty tasting drinks should help, too.  If not, there are certain substances available after dark in certain parts of down that should help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone is angry with me because I hired someone else to take on a task that she has been saying for months she wants to be rid of, but now she says I took it away from her without consulting her.  How do I smooth things over?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Wed Oct 04, 2006 - 07:58:34
I "see" you do have a problem.  If you drive really fast to the appointment and you'll get there quicker and speed home you can hop back into bed in no time.



My  boss has been really nagging me lately, complaint after complaint, "your late again", "we don't take 2hr. lunches", "do you think you can make it a full week without taking a day off this week" do I really need this???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Oct 04, 2006 - 08:06:48
Yes.  It means he/she truly values your presence.  You should start following him/her around like a shadow or lost puppy.  I'm certain this will be greatly appreciated.

____________________

After being in our home over a year, I've still got two hundred more books than shelf space.  I really want them out of the moving boxes.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Wed Oct 04, 2006 - 09:02:08
This is quite simple, just nail some of you books to the wall in the shape of a book shelf, in the process you'll use up books and plus you'll have a place to put the rest of those books.



Our cats just clawed a hole in the screen of the back door, this is the second time this month what can I do???


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Wed Oct 04, 2006 - 22:48:02
Skin the cat and use its hide to patch the hole it will learn its lesson for sure.


I have to be in two places at the same time what can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Wed Oct 04, 2006 - 23:16:28
Skip both appointments and spend that time on your favorite hobby.


The tree in my front yard needs pruning what's the best way to prune it.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Wed Oct 04, 2006 - 23:26:05
Rent a dozier and push it over then you would not have to worry about it any more and would have more room in your yard

I have just ran out of ice and the tea is hot what am I to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Wed Oct 04, 2006 - 23:40:04
Head out to the nearest motel and use their ice machine.  Don't forget a bucket.



I was at the beach all day a got  a dandy sunburn  what can I but on it???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 00:17:48
They have a new thing out called Icey Hot It sound like what you need so it can ice your hot.

My mother inlaw is coming for a visit oh what shall I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 00:22:43
Put a for sale sign in the yard and also attach on that sign directions to a motel on the seeder side of town.



I'm kinda hungry right now and my wife is sleep she hasn't been feeling well lately should I wake her up to run to buger king for me I just don't feel like going out right now.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 12:45:38
Call for a pizza. That way you don't get in trouble.


I'm a little hard of hearing, but am not willing to get a hearing aid. What are my options?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 13:24:08
I "HEAR" YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,  JUST ATTACH CONES TO YOUR EARS THEY SHOULD  FIX UP YOUR PROPLEM.


My grass needs to be cut but my lawn mower is working any ideas???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 14:30:51
Get sheep and trun them loose and tell the neighbors you have no ideal where they came from.

I have been invited to go pitch horseshoes tonight and really don't want to loose time here what to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 14:40:56
Wrap your arm in a sling and take a picture of yourself. Send it to your friends as proof that you can't possibly pitch horseshoes.


I'd like to surprise DH somehow. Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 15:01:12
You might ask him for a divorce and tell him you are takeing everythng including his clothes that you will sell to pay for it. Trust me this will suprise him very much. Plus good way to have to make up and making up is fun.


I just stained the wifes favorite shirt by spilling coffee on it what do I do to fix it before she finds out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 15:54:45
Cover the stain with white-out. (Believe it or not, my sister's ex actually suggested I do this to a small stain on my wedding dress!)


I should be cleaning my house. How do I motivate myself to do it when I just plain don't want to?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 16:08:07
round up your neighbors and have a pep rally in your living room.


My wife still isn't feeling well and I'm still hungry and pizza shop is closed what should I do because I just don't feel like cooking or driving over to Burge King???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 16:12:01
Do you have kids?  If so, its never too early for them to make dinner. 

----------------------

There are getting to be some Baptist or Baptistic folks on this site.  How do I flush them out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 16:49:16
oooouch!!!!  Tell them how nasty they are and we'll still pray for you. ::prayinghard::


I finally decided to cook some pasta how do I know when its fully cooked???


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 20:03:05
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks.

I need to paint the family room this weekend.  What's the easiest way to do it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 20:11:52
Get a paint sprayer and stand in the middle of the room and turn it on and start spinning in a circle. That should get all four walls.

I have to report back to work tomorrow but really want more time off what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 20:16:24
Just take it off.  Don't call or anything.  You deserve the time off.


I've noticed that I'm starting to put a little weight on how can I lose it with out exercising?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 21:56:48
A Strait Razor and a Shop Vac should do the trick!


My two year old will not go to sleep, how do I get him to go to bed.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 22:03:48
2yr. old never sleep what ever you do don't try reading you tottler a story.  Books are banned in my house.


I'm thinking of grilling some chicken what should I marinate it in???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 22:29:00
hot sauce usally does wonders

My headlights will not work what am I to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Oct 05, 2006 - 22:32:21
If you have a flashlight, You'll get the same effect by just shining the flashlight out your window while you're driving.  If you don't want to roll down the window, just shine it through the windsheild.

*******************************

We have a weiner roast scheduled for tomorrow night, but no one has any dry firewood. What should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 00:12:00
Put it in a clothes dryer that should dry it out.


I have a bunch of wood behindour shed I was going to have a weiner roast but something came up what can I do with it.  It's all dried out one sparke and its up in flames???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 14:17:59
I'll e-mail you directions to our church.  I don't know where you live, but you shouldn't have any trouble getting to Salt Rock, WV with your wood by 7:00 this evening.

******************************************

Okay.  Youth rally today, and I'm still not ready.  Plus, I have a two page paper to write about behavioral and cognitive adjustments for a kid who can't understand Biology, and I never could understand biology myself.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 15:05:30
Plagiarism is very under rated some people have put "bad" connotations on it.  As for the Youth rally it's time they grow up and take responsibility for themselves.

I'm going to the pool in a few minutes and I ran out of sun screen I don't have time to run to the drug store what can I use instead???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 16:02:33
It's 45 degrees outside and you're going to the pool?  Forget the sunscreen.  You'll need something to keep you warm instead.  Jump in the water wearing all of your clothes and a hood over your head.  You won't get sunburned.



_____________________________

I need to go out the door, but people I'm picking up aren't ready yet.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 16:34:03
Brother Marc where I'm at it's about 92 degrees.  Any way if there going to disregard  your feeling and be self-centered I wouldn't pick them up!!!


I seem to have misplaced my keys where should I look first???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 18:31:30
Toilet bowl.

========================

We're having bacon and biscuits and gravy for supper.  Should I exercise self-conrol or what?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 19:27:06
It all depends on how you look at it. Do you choose to eat the bacon? Yes? Then you are using self-control.

=============================

I work with a guy who thinks he is an expert at absolutely everything. How can I point out he is not in a respectful way so that we don't keep hurting the company.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 19:33:08
Sometimes Brother you just have to take the bull by the horns.  I would belittle him in front of others and use many obscenities.


My toilet seems to be clogged what's the best way to unclog it???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 20:02:17
Get a straw and suck the clog out. Duh.

===============================

My wife is having a yard sale in the morning and is getting up before the sun. What can I do to talk her out of it?

 ::frustrated::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 20:07:29
Get a straw!
 LOL

I would paint the windows black remove the clocks from your bed room, try that.

Our cats are shedding like crazy what can we do about the shedding?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 20:10:37
Get a snake. Or a dog.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 06, 2006 - 21:33:35
Get a snake. Or a dog.
Fthb do you need any bad advice on anything???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Sun Oct 08, 2006 - 00:57:54
Get a snake. Or a dog.
Fthb do you need any bad advice on anything???

It may be a while before he returns so to keep going,

I need advice, I enjoy the job I have now but I might have a better offer so what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Oct 09, 2006 - 16:24:47
Obvious.  Quit the job you have now, and put all your hopes on the offer you may get.  Be sure to burn your bridges by quitting suddenly, and violently, so that you can be fully focused on the potential offer.  Take out lots of loans based on that possible offer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We just painted our window sashes, and they are drying now.  If they aren't dry enough to put back in the frames before it gets cool tonight, how should I keep it from getting too cold in the house?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Mon Oct 09, 2006 - 17:43:15
Sorry about earlier.

Try putting in a REFRIGERATOR.

What color shirt should i wear tomorrow.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 09, 2006 - 17:45:55
Try body-painting instead of wearing a shirt. Paint a big "W" on your chest and tell everyone you're going to a football game in Washington, Pennsylvania, where Alexander Campbell once lived.

*************************************

We're being invaded by ladybird beetles or whatever they're called today.  What can I do about them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Mon Oct 09, 2006 - 17:48:38
Cross-breeding. Then they wont be ladybird beetles, butr something else!

Sinker or curveball against David Ortiz?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 09, 2006 - 17:56:46
The best way to neutralize David Ortiz is to hand him a glove.

***************************************************

What can I do to persuade the Reds to spend more money to upgrade their roster this off-season?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Oct 09, 2006 - 22:23:47
Have George Steinbrenner give them a call.  He can also explain to them why it's a good idea to fire a winning manager from time to time.

I didn't get an answer on my windows.  I went ahead and reinstalled them.  What's the best way to remove paint that got beyond the masking tape onto the glass?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 09, 2006 - 22:27:13
You simply have to purchase clear paint and paint over the other paint.  Then you'll be able to see through the window again.

*******************************************************

I have to take Benadryl every night until my rash goes away, but it gives me nightmares.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Tue Oct 10, 2006 - 00:13:24
Buy a lot of hay to feed them and maybe they will flounder and you wont have to worry about them there mares any more.


My brother in law is asking to move in what shall I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Oct 10, 2006 - 22:48:53
Just give him the house and sleep in your van, down by the river!





I have been invited to a wedding this Friday (the 13th of October) and I would rather not go.  How do I get out of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Oct 11, 2006 - 07:10:33
Tell the couple that you will have nothing to do with an enterprise that is scheduled for Friday the 13th, and is therefore doomed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the best way to resolve conflict in a congregation?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Oct 11, 2006 - 07:22:01
Shoot a few of those that are on the opposing side and tell the rest if they change churches that you know where they live.

--------------------------------

I have to go away on business today, what should I do with my free time after my work is complete?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Wed Oct 11, 2006 - 19:43:33
If you are in a hotel, put on your pajamas and wonder the halls inviting people to have a spend-the-night party in your room.

----------------------------------------------

Since it's a month that ends in "r," I really need to get outside and seed the yard. I'm having trouble motivating myself. What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Oct 11, 2006 - 22:16:02
Tear this month's page off of your calendar.  Then do it again.  And again.  It'll be January before you know it.

**********************************

A couple of our kids got in a fight after church tonight.  How can I keep this from happening again?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Oct 11, 2006 - 22:40:44
Hinder the children from coming to church.

————————————————————————————

My sleep pattern is off, staying up real late, getting up early.  I'm tired at night, but not sleepy, and get a second wind at midnight.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Oct 11, 2006 - 22:52:21
don't think that someone won't  suggest doing just what you said.

as to your needed advice, I would suggest doing what I'm soing and daking Benadrilll eberly nist.  You harrdly notis hough it offects you and yull beee a sleep fore you nowit.

---------------------------------

I'm almosd oud ob benadryyl, and I sont wantt o by a holw pakaj wenn I wonnt hughes it awl.  Washuldidu?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Thu Oct 12, 2006 - 18:03:11
Take half of the pack and then the other three hours later.  You shouldn't remember a thing after that.





I am struggling reading a terrible book by Dallas Willard.  How can I get through it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Oct 12, 2006 - 20:47:40
Send a copy to Piney and ask him to write commentary on it.  His commentary should help you get through the book more quickly.

____________________________________________ __

I've never read Dallas Willard, but always thought I should.  Now Weeble says one of his books is terrible.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Thu Oct 12, 2006 - 20:58:29
Oh, well, if Weeble says one of his books is terrible, then by all means don't ever pick up a book by Dallas Willard!  (In all seriousness, Dallas Willard could not possibly write a terrible book.  See my latest entry in Book Reviews.)

____________________________________________ __________________________

I would like to lose a few pounds before an event I'll be attending in a few months.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 12, 2006 - 21:01:21
Pay some one to be your impostor...



I have a bit of a cold and I really don't think I can make into the office in the morning what should I do.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Oct 12, 2006 - 21:33:16
Go in tonight and sleep in your office.  That way you won't have to worry about going in in the morning.

***********************************************************

I'm hungry, but shouldn't eat this late.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Oct 12, 2006 - 23:45:13
Fill up on beer it will make the hunger go away.


I have to buy propane tomorrow and I am short on funds what shall I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 10:06:17
Switch tanks with your neighbor.  You may want to do this when it's dark out.

Our cat got out the other night and hasn't come home since what should I do???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 10:08:43
Assume the cat is dead. Rent Pet Sematary for a complete how-to guide to resurrect the cat.


I need to dispose of something smallish, but I don't want anyone else to see. How can I discreetly accomplish this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 10:10:31
Throw it off the Tallahatchie Bridge.  No one will notice.

****************************************************

It frosted last night.  I don't want winter to come; how can I stop it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 10:11:46
Move to Florida. The end of time is coming soon, and I suspect it will get very hot there. *snark*


I want to add some extra channels to DirecTV, but I hate to pay extra. Help, please?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 10:17:09
Get in-direct t.v. my friend Vinny can "hook you up".



I broke a light bulb inside the lamp socket what's the best way to remove the broken bulb???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 11:04:36
Wire Pliers.  Make sure the light is turned on at the time.  The sparks will help you see what you're doing.

*******************************************

I broke my promise and posted in the politics section.  How do I keep from doing this again?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 11:58:05
A shock collar may help.  If not try to  have a virus enter your computer.



My wife and I will be celebrating an anniversary soon She keeps saying I better not get her another vacumn cleaner.  I she trying to use reverse psychology on me?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 12:03:39
No.  Take her words very literally.  She said "another". Go get the vacuum cleaner she has now, wrap it up, and give it to her as a present. 

_________________________

I have to go now, but I'd rather post.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 12:06:39
Three words: "Last word thread"


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I just had chili, but I've got appointments through late tonight.  How do I politely deal with the normal gassy problems that'll be arriving shortly?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 12:09:19
bring your wife along and blame all the gas on her.

----------------------------------

How do I get my daughter to stop wanting to watch "Cinderella" and "Dumbo?"  I am unbelievably annoyed with those movies now.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 12:20:15
Introduce her to the wonderful world of the Doodlebops.  That'll get your worries off the others.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Just typing "Doodlebops" gave me the hives.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 12:49:52
Back space of the word Doodlebops.  That should clear things up.

Guess what our cat that went missing the other night returned home.  Its eyes are very blood shot I think he's at the catnip again.  Now what do I do???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 16:19:58
Sign him up for catnip anonymous.  He'll appreicate it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We've been working a week now to figure out why too many database connections are being opened by a complex Java network application.  Any ideas on how to find this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 16:36:25
Take the hard drives apart and look for mice droppings?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to pay taxes this month, but so far have found a fish with a coin in it.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 17:07:23
That's a little tricky was the fish in question in season?  If not toss it back and look for one that's in season.


I'm having my car painted what's a popular color these day's I want to look cool (if that's possible) while I'm driving down the road???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 17:09:01
Pink. A really, really bright pink.

What langauge should I learn?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 18:10:41
Doodlebop

(http://www.onlydoodlebops.com/images/3.jpg)

___________

I'm going to the fall festival at Bob Evans Farms tomorrow.  I  don't want to, though.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Oct 13, 2006 - 22:17:48
Tell your group that you have come down Roy Rogers Disease and can't make it.


My brother and Sister in law are in town, how do I entertain them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Oct 14, 2006 - 13:57:33
Send them to Marc's house.  He'd be glad to take them to Bob Evans Farms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the best thing to do with old carpeting?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Oct 14, 2006 - 19:35:14
I used to work at a radio station that put carpeting on the walls of their studios.  Try this in your home.  If you have any left over, do the ceiling.

Shag works best.

**************************************************

I just got back from the farm festival, and now I have two papers to write and a sermon to prepare for, and I'm tired. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sat Oct 14, 2006 - 19:52:33
copy a paper from the internet and preach your sermon "As the Spirit tells you."   Less prep work that way.




The LSU game is not on the radio and you have to pay to hear it on the internet, What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Oct 14, 2006 - 19:55:47
Sit back and wait for basketball season.

****************************************

Today I discovered the history behind the mispronunciation of "Rio Grande", Ohio.  Seems that back in 1846, the founders got the name from a newspaper headline ("Mexican War on the Rio Grande!") without knowing what the words meant or how to pronounce them.  To this day, they say that they live in "Rye-o Grand".  What can I do to enlighten them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Sat Oct 14, 2006 - 20:20:21
Contact their Chamber of Commerce and offer to lead a door-to-door campaign to convert everyone to the correct pronunication (you should be good at door-knocking since you're a long-time coC'er!).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am trying to decorate for Halloween and my scarecrow keeps falling over.  I suspect foul play with the neighborhood dogs as prime suspects.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Oct 14, 2006 - 21:26:46
'round here, the early British settlers mixed Halloween with Guy Fawkes, and this led to a tradition of placing stuffed dummies on the porch at Halloween (though this seems to be waning lately--every place is becoming like every other place).  I'm thinking you need to take up this tradition with a difference.  Stuffed neighbor's dog on your porch.

__________________________________________

I loved Halloween when I was growing up, but I find this has waned, and I no longer care much for the holiday.  What can I do to get back in the spirit?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sun Oct 15, 2006 - 09:12:21
Watch 3 days of bad horror movies back to back to back,  This should get you in the "spirit"!




My throat hurts and I am wondering if I will be able to make it through the sermon and Bible class.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sun Oct 15, 2006 - 11:50:53
Swallow butter and, if your voice is hoarse because of sore throat, tell them the butter is because you have bread lodged in your throat.

I am confused as to why Penn State lost. What do I do [?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Oct 15, 2006 - 22:00:34
Start a campaign to fire Joe Paterno.  After all, what's he know about football? 

******************************************

I have Jars of Clay's "Carry Me (Dead man)" stuck in my head.  Should I worry?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Oct 16, 2006 - 09:38:08
Yes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do I save more money for retirement without having to cut back on anything?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Mon Oct 16, 2006 - 10:05:09
Just stick most of your money back for retirement,   and charge everything that you need.   Eventually your money coming in will be spent on charge cards and then you will have to retire.


I didn't get as much sleep as I needed last nite,   and I am nodding off at work.   What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Mon Oct 16, 2006 - 14:17:37
Lay your head down on your desk and go to sleep.  You really don't need that job anyway, do you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're having a staff meeting here at work today and things have been tense lately between my coworkers and the supervisor.  How do I manage to keep my mouth shut and stay out of trouble during the meeting?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 16, 2006 - 15:56:17
No.  Run away fast and have the place quarantined.  Staff infection is a very serious thing, and you don't want it getting out into the community.
_______________

The people I caught my staph infection from have had a recurrance.  What can I do to avoid them, considering they're relatives?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Mon Oct 16, 2006 - 22:40:36
Wear a Level "A" HazMat suit whenever they're around while constantly spraying Lysol.

------------

I'm driving to Atlanta on Wednesday and don't want to pay high gas prices.  What do you suggest?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Oct 16, 2006 - 22:50:33
Two things sure to both save gas and ensure an adventurous trip:
     1. Build a sail for your car.  This brings the joy of sailing and free wind energy to driving.
     2. Spray Pam liberally on your tires.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need to sell a property far quicker than is normally possible.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 19:15:38
You can always lie and say if you don't sell it your going to start drilling for oil and maybe greenpeace will buy it.


 I can't find my remote for our t.v. and I really don't want to get up to turn the channels what can I do???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: ConnieLard on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 20:41:56
Buy a monkey and teach him to change the channels for you.

____________________________________________ _________

While I was gone from this board for awhile, someone changed my avatar from the cute basset hound to something unrecognizable.  How do I find out who is responsible for this travesty?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 20:44:14
Find out who's a Democrat.  Democrat's are responsible for everything.

____________________________________________ ___


My house is being invaded by ladybug beetles.  I've given up on keeping them out, so how do I learn to live with them.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 20:51:00
Rent "It's a Bug's Life" and order the poo-poo platter.  They'll enjoy it.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I'm REALLY tired of commercials about the human paploma virus.  REALLY tired of them.  What can I do to get the networks to abandon them?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 21:17:47
Make sure all of the big wigs at the networks contract the disease, that'll show them.




All of the talk here lately about Tattoo's doesn't make me want to get one.  What can I do to get the fever?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 21:32:02
Become postmodern.  But forget all this emergent church stuff; get real postmodernity.  Go back and read earlier stuff.  David Rabe.  John Barth.  Luigi Pirandello. Thomas Pynchon, even.  Then live your life as if you were a character in one of their stories.  Then, you will be inspired to get a muted post horn tattoo.(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v710/marcshoe/posthorn.jpg)

_______________________________________-

I would like to obsess on postmodern lit, but I don't have time.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 21:45:51
Get a tattoo, grow a goatee, untuck your shirt, and get some flip flops.  You'll look the part without having to do the reading.


The BMV wouldn't renew my tags today because THEY put my SSN in the system wrong last year.  What should I do?

OD
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 21:49:53
I'm sure you have some sort of graphics program on your computer that would allow you to make your own tags.  No one will notice.

_____________________________

I already have a goatee, and my shirt's not tucked in at the moment, btw.  Flip flops make my feet hurt, though.

I want to go to sleep but I also want to watch the baseball game.  How can I do both?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 22:21:44
Get a tattoo, grow a goatee, untuck your shirt, and get some flip flops.  You'll look the part without having to do the reading.
Isn't that all most people do anyway?  rofl
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 17, 2006 - 22:24:32
When I was reading a McLaren book earlier this year, I told a co-worker that I felt like I needed to go to Starbucks and read it there. Coffee's part of the picture, isn't it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 07:40:28
Overpriced coffee, most importantly.

I want to go to sleep but I also want to watch the baseball game.  How can I do both?

Turn up the TV volume really loud to keep you awake.  If it keeps the neighbors awake, too, all the better, as they surely also wanted to watch the game.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to read all that post-modern stuff, too, but I currently have a stack of pre-modern books to read.  How do I best get through all that?  Thucydides isn't the quickest read.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 13:26:30
Read the post-modern first all the pre-modern will be up dated so you can kill two birds with one stone.


I still haven't found my remote for my t.v. yet and I'm allergic to monkey's what shall I do???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 13:30:46
Buy another tv. the remote may or may not work on your current one. You can watch them both and be twice as productive.

My mother-in-law is ill and has asked me for medical advice on how to get well. She is filthy rich, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 13:47:04
Tell her to mail her problems to me and I'll give her advice for a, uh, nominal fee.  I'll pm you my address.

____________________________________

I'm having trouble getting adult cooperation for a trip I want the youth group to take. Any suggestion?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 13:51:35
Add a cash bar. It's a great fundraiser, also.


I don't know whether or not to mail my mother-in-law's address to somebody who claims to be a moderator. Do you think he will take advantage of her financial wealth?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 14:50:57
Mail it to my p.o. box, include substantinal funds and I'll distribute them accordingly.  You can trust me I'm not a moderator. ::saint::


I have a drip from my shower head how should I fix it???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 14:56:05
Put a balloon over the shower head and that will stop the drip.



I am baby watching a friends 4 month old and she has cried ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!  How do I make it stop????????????
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 14:59:42
Put a balloon over its head.

My wife says if I agree to let her take out a half million dollar insurance policy on me she will buy me skydiving lessons. Should I pick a blue or white parachute?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 21:38:42
Let her decide. Also, let her pack the parachute for you.

____________________________________________ ______

The kids in my Bible Class have problems I never dreamed about when I was their age.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 21:52:19
Pretend that they're blowing things out of proportion and that teenaged life for them is no harder or more complicated than it was for us.

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

In the middle of my yardwork, the weedeater ran out of cord.  What could I use to finish in the morning without a trip to Wally World?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 22:47:03
Your wife's favorite pair of scissors would work nicely.




I have three members having bypass surgeries in three days, all in Birmingham. How do I make sure that I am down there for all three with out driving the hour and a half one way three days in a row.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Oct 18, 2006 - 22:52:02
Pop up tent in the waiting room.

______________________________


My wife said, "Favorite pair of scissors?  Oxymoron."  Now what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 00:30:05
Just pour concrete over your yard and paint it green and then you will never have to be bothered with it agin.


Help me please I left my wife some where and can't remeber where it was Has anyone seen her what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 00:33:26
Get rid of all the evidence, including the shovel.


My acid reflux is getting worse and worse... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 00:35:35
Drink lots of prune juice and call me in the morning.

My truck has a flat and I have no spare what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 00:37:25
I told you, get rid of ALL the evidence... That would include your truck.


I don't have any prune juice... Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 06:46:17
Then you'll have to drink a concoction of orange and tomato juice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'd like an effective, natural way of lowering my blood pressure.  What works for you?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 06:53:53
When my blood pressure gets high, go to the theology section are argue about water baptism.

-----------------------------

I am tired and don't feel like working today.  How do I wake up more?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 07:41:01
Go to the theology section and argue about water baptism.  That should wake you up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the best way to remove food trapped between one's teeth?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 07:53:56
Weedeater

***************************

My daughter has more energy in two minutes than I've got in two days.  How do I keep up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 08:10:21
Duh! Hello? What do you think God made artificial stimulants for?


I need a quick method of cleaning my handguns while they are loaded, any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 08:14:59
Small Wads of Duct Tape



I found a long blond hair on my 5 years old son yesterday afternoon.  What do I Do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 08:34:04
Tell him how proud you are. Ask him if for a name and phone number.


I just found a long blonde hair on my wife's blouse. She is a short haired brunette. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 09:26:37
Ask her why she's been feeding the neighbor's cocker spaniel behind your back.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I just found a long blonde hair on my daughter.  She has long blonde hair.  I think it might still be attached.  How do I make sure it's really hers?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 09:31:32
Shave off all the other hair on her head except that one, then you will know if it is attached. She will thank you for it.


I'm getting ready to vote next month, but all the candidates sound so good. I don't think any politician would ever lie to me. How can I tell which one to vote for?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 09:39:09
Politicians never lie.    Just go alphabetically and you'll be fine.   The best candidates start with A, then B,  and so on.



My birthday was yesterday and someone I thought that would remember my birthday forgot.    Do I write them off as friends?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 09:51:42
Oh yeah. Mine was 2 days ago and I was ignored by many friends. I will make them pay! I will crush them!! I will hurt them bad!!!

--------------------------------

I can't seem to make friends easily, or keep the ones I have. What can I do to change that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 10:25:43
Cease bathing, finger nail clipping, and toothbrushing.  Then take the George Castanza's "Do the Opposite" Networking CourseTM.  You'll be the toast of the town in no time.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

I had some creepy looking dude parked across the street staring at my house and car for a good 15 minutes.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 10:42:49
Mind your own business, and don't call the cops, if you know what's good for you. (You should not have forgotten somebody's birthday.)

+++++++++++++

I notice that Peggy Joyce's picture has long blonde hair. Is she the one causing problems  here?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 17:34:56
I hope not, Peggy's such a peach!!!



I noticed my next door neighbor is getting ready to have a booze party when would be the best time to go over and wittiness to them???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 17:39:24
Wait till the party gets really loud, then call the cops.  When the police come by to tell them to tone it down, go over while the policeman is still there and tell them you're the one who reported them.  That will give you a perfect opening.

____________________________________________ ___________

I can't tell the difference between the posters on the Theology board and the more disrespectful, junior-high aged members of my Wednesday night class.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 17:46:35
Process of elimanition they (on the boards) are probably the parents of the kids on wednesday's.


When I head over to the party later what should I bring I hate to go empty handed???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 20:30:12
No. Take a bunch of J.T. Chick tracts. They are favorites at rowdy parties.

+++++++++++++++

I'm being nominated for elder at my church. What's the best way to win people over?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 21:07:52
Preemptive Force.

-----------------------------

My daughter is going through potty training and peed on my pants (while in my lap).  I'm a bit of a germophobe and find this utterly disgusting.  How can we speed up the process of her training...I can't take it a second time.  Yuck.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Oct 19, 2006 - 22:17:41
Wait until she's old enough to train herself.  Your wife will gladly change diapers until then.

________________________________

I'm finding the current chapter I'm reading in my Educational sociology book depressing, but true.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 09:07:14
Tear that chapter out.   Who needs sociology anyway,   we don't need anything to help us get along better in our relationships, organizations, or whatever.




Today is Friday,  and I can't keep my mind on my job.   I am ready for the weekend to start.   What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 09:10:48
I'll scan the chapter from my sociology book and e-mail it to you.  I'ts so depressing that it'll make you want to think about your job.

________________________________________

My sister's family, whom I caught the bug that caused my MRSA infection from, keeps getting new infections, and now I'm obsessing about it happening to me.  My nose hurts, and I'm worried that it's not sinus trouble, but another infection.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 09:34:06
This might do the trick: 

Kosher Dill Pickles dipped in honey.  Eat two with every meal, and chase them down with a cup of hot vinegar and milk, and your cold will be gone in a couple of weeks.
Something else that works is chopping up a banana and an orange in a bowl of vegetable beef soup.  Again, eat this at every meal, and your cold will be gone in about two weeks. 

I'm on this Christian website and there is this smart elek that keeps posting.  What should I do? ::smile::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 10:03:36
Stop posting!

------------------------------

I have family coming over, and I don't want company today.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 10:14:25
Show up at the door with an adult diaper on.  Wear it outside your pants.  That'll do the trick.

}-}-}-}-}-}-}-}-}-}-|-{-{-{-{-{-{-{-{-{-{

I've got a few extra movie tickets for tonight...what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 10:17:29
Invite you wife and and your gilrfriend out for a date.

____________________________________________ __

I turned the heat on in my house last week. Every time it comes on i smell gas, what should i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 10:20:21
Stop farting and change your pants.

-------------------------------------------

What if the diaper over the outside of my pants won't work?  Should I talk about baptism (did I mention they are CofC)?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 10:25:51
Yep.  Tell them that you've decided to be baptized for the right reason, finally, with one stipulation.  You want to be baptized totally nude to make sure you get wet all over.

____________________________________________ ________

I'm hearing a high-pitched hum in my head.  How do I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 10:32:02
Marc beat me, this is what I was typing--It'll work.  Tell them you believe in immersion and not sprinkling as you remove the diaper.  Oh, and before they arrive, pour a cup of water on all your seat cushions.
==================================


Screwdriver & duct tape & cotton balls
___________________


I'm really tired of the election ads.  Can we speed this up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 11:08:53
I suggest taking 40 or 50 aspine that should put you in a comma (or kill you)  eather way you wont have to listen to any more lies.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it seems as if i am growing a third nipple what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 11:14:10
Sell one of the three on e-bay and profit from it.


I'm taking my son to see "open season" this afternoon how can I stay awake through that movie???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 11:27:29
Use the time to catch up with all your old freinds on your cell phone.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The hair on my back is so thick i can almost braid it. should i shave it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 11:39:45
I would just shave sections, make designs or it can be use as a billboard.



My elderly neighbor keeps calling me would I do this would I do that for her I getting tired of it what can I do???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 13:10:16
Just move away, running from your problems is the easiest way of handling all of liefs problems.



My boss gets mad when he sees me sleeping at work, how can i get him to except me the way i am?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 14:23:02
Talk badly about him to your co-workers. Make sure that word of this get to him. It will make him want to change for the better.

)))))))((((((((

My daughter wants to marry a promiscuous bisexual intravenous drug user, what should I tell her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 14:53:48
Nothing wrong with a promiscuous bisexual intravenous drug user. Just pay for it and be quite.


###########################################


My youngest son wants to know where babies come from, what should i tell him?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 16:33:05
Tell him they come from the baby store, and that he'd better watch it with all the questions, because he's not too old to take back for a refund.

______________________________________

I've been out job-hunting to help pay for school, and I'm afraid I might actually find a job, and that this will cut into my posting time.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 17:58:26
This is an easy one, Stop going to school and you wont need any money. Then you will have the rest of your time to stay here and post. ahhhhh  sometimes the answerers are there and we just cant see them..


I have this funny brown spot on my shoulder that is growing bigger every day, What should i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 19:41:14
Use Toilet Paper





I really miss the 100 PM's I used to get from Barry Manners.  How can I cope?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 21:06:19
Find another computer and register under a different name. Claim to be a muslim-turned-atheist, and send yourself annoying pms.

____________________________________________ ______

I've been feeling pensive and contemplative yesterday.  How do I liven myself up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 21:15:16
In one word BURBON


My allergies are acting up how can I cope with that???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 22:19:48
Benadryl's good for allergies, but it acts too slow.  I wouldn't suggest anything as rash as taking a whole pack at once, though.  Half a pack should suffice.

____________________________________________ _______

I've decided I'm going to chuck it all and become either a mountain man or a bank robber.  Which should I do, and why?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 22:28:29
You should be a bank robber disguised as a mountain man. I don't know why.

*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*

Tomorrow is our anniversary, should I buy my wife a mop and bucket or diamond earrings?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 22:31:48
The mop and bucket, but don't give them to her until Sunday.  That way, it'll be extra special for her, since she will have assumed you forgot your anniversary and will be elated to find that you remembered after all.

Oh, and be sure to fill the bucket with spic n span and water before you wrap it.

____________________________________________ ___________

This board has helped me solve every problem I've ever had.  How should I show my gratitude?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 22:47:30
I would belittle everyone who has a problem throw in a few obscenities to really insult and get their attention sometimes tough love is the best love.

I selling a car to a friend but the car needs some repair show I tell him about them before I sell it to him???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Oct 20, 2006 - 22:51:16
Why rob him of the joy of discovery?

_________________________________

I want everything to go back to the way it was thirty years ago.  How do I make this happen?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 20:52:36
Figure out the exact number of days that have gone by since the date you are looking back to, then start with that number, and hold your breath counting backward until you reach zero...


-----------------------------------------------------------


I have a canker sore in my mouth and it's really bothering me... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 21:08:26
I have a canker sore in my mouth and it's really bothering me... Any advice?

Gargle with some tobasco sauce.

My wife calls her mother in Canada every day.  What should I do to keep our phone bill down?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 21:11:36
Have your mother-in-law move in with you.


------------------------------------------


I'm really, really tired, but I don't want to get to sleep right now... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 21:19:17
I'm really, really tired, but I don't want to get to sleep right now... Any advice?

Read every message in this thread three times.

My right arm has developed tendinitis.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mike on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 21:26:48
My right arm has developed tendinitis.  Any suggestions?

Disarticulate the arm at the shoulder. Didn't you say you'd give your right arm to feel better, or was that someone else?


I'm supposed to lead singing tomorrow morning, but I can't carry a tune. Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 21:29:59
My right arm has developed tendinitis.  Any suggestions?

Disarticulate the arm at the shoulder. Didn't you say you'd give your right arm to feel better, or was that someone else?


I'm supposed to lead singing tomorrow morning, but I can't carry a tune. Any suggestions?

Two words:  lip sync.  Call Ashlee Simpson for help with the dancing.

The engine light came on in my car tonight.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 21:47:47
I've suggested putting duct tape over the light before, but that's not the proper solution.  Black tape is. If you can't see the light, there is no problem.

_________________________________________-

I've discovered what looks like a piece of gauze sticking out of a wound that's pretty much healed up--and healed over the gauze.  What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 22:11:56
I've discovered what looks like a piece of gauze sticking out of a wound that's pretty much healed up--and healed over the gauze.  What should I do?

Do you know how to cauterize a wound?

----------------------------------------------------------

I can't decide what to do with my collection of unpaid parking tickets.  What is your advice?

Edited to correct a type
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 22:20:51
Plaster half of them on the back glass of your car.  Then plaster the other half on the back glass of the first police car you see.

____________________________________________ _

I am proposing a law that would require everyone holding an "Oktoberfest" to have some vague idea of what an Oktoberfest is (hint--it is not a celebration of colonial American life, complete with a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, musket demonstration, and homemade apple butter, as I just saw on the news).  What should I do to get this law enacted?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 22:25:47
I am proposing a law that would require everyone holding an "Oktoberfest" to have some vague idea of what an Oktoberfest is (hint--it is not a celebration of colonial American life, complete with a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, musket demonstration, and homemade apple butter, as I just saw on the news).  What should I do to get this law enacted?

Write your congressman a friendly letter and sign it Unabomber.

------------------------------------------------

I can't find the beef in my McDonald's hamburger.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 22:29:24
Eat your Kangaroo burger and be happy. (an aside, I was living in Australia way back when some kangaroo meat was shipped to McDonalds as beef, so I, for ironic reasons, didn't get to taste it.)

____________________________________________ ___

I saw some guy who looked just like the drawing of the unabomber in Ohio last weekend.  Should I report him?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Oct 21, 2006 - 23:47:45
Of course not.  It's best to take these sorts of things into your own hands.  Apprehend him, tie him up, and take him to the local police station yourself.  Be sure to carry an automatic weapon with you when you do, that will impress the cops with your know-how.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife just went on a weekend trip with three of her friends to Dresden (Longaberger haven), Ohio.  How do I best handle things when she comes home with several expensive baskets and accessories?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 12:18:34
Tell her that you've studied up a bit on that area of Ohio, and have decided to become Amish.  After you sell your car and all your electronics, you might be able to afford the baskets.

_______________________________________---

I want to become Amish, but I don't look good in that type of beard.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 12:59:53
I want to become Amish, but I don't look good in that type of beard.  What should I do?

There are some Swedish surgeons that can solve that problem for you.

------------------------------------------------------------

I'd like to buy a new house but I don't qualify for a decent loan and I don't have the cash to pay cash for it.  Anyone have any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 13:14:01
Squatter's rights.  Wait until your neighbors aren't home, and take possession of their house.

____________________________

I want to kill one of our kids at church, but I don't want to stop him from coming back.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 15:24:54
I want to kill one of our kids at church, but I don't want to stop him from coming back.  What should I do?

Consult a medium.  When the ghost tells you to "Get out", ignore him like the fools in the horror movies do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I've always wanted to be a banker.  What's the best way to get into the industry?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 16:44:45
Rob a bank and start your own



I fell asleep during a missionaries report today during service,  How can I keep the congregation awake when I am speaking tonight.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 16:47:02
Start off by telling them that if they don't keep the law of Christ they are all doomed to eternal separation from God.  Then don't tell them the specifics of what the law of Christ is, just keep them on the edge of their seats.

(okay, I probably shouldn't have gone there, but this is the humor section, we should all laugh at ourselves occasionally).

----------------------------------

I have a dentist appointment at 9:45 tomorrow, and advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 17:55:09
Be sure to eat a chocolate bar before you go in.  The dental hygenist will appreciate the opportunity to do some real work.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm annoyed with computers right now, but I'm a programmer by trade.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 19:30:07
You're problem is that you're overexposed to computers.  What you need to do is move and become a door-to-door computer salesman among the Amish.

_________________________________

We had a bunch of extra kids at church tonight, and the adults barely acknowledged their presence (the songleader even led singing from the opposite side of the building from where they were sitting) except to say that they were too noisy and didn't pay attention. How can I gently express my consternation?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 19:44:06
give them laxatives in their coffee.

------------------------------------

How do I gently express to Nick that the National League is really a Muslim Front organization and that he should actually support the designated hitter rule?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 20:04:11
You don't.  You have to realize that the tiger is an Asian animal, and, as such, is directly tied to the geopolitical oil conspiracy that links to the Islamic petro-despots of the Middle East.  I'm sure that North Korea is tied in somehow, too, probably through the DH--the Designated Henchman rule.  The Cardinals, on the other hand, are tied to an innocent little North American bird that has nothing to do with Jihads.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the best way to dispose of old carpeting?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 20:29:06
What's the best way to dispose of old carpeting?

Take the old carpeting with you when you go shopping for new carpeting.  Have someone get the saleman's attention.  When he isn't looking, swap your old carpet for the new stuff that you want.  Two birds with one stone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a problem with shoplifting.  Should I turn myself in?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 20:49:38
No, just start frequenting gun/ammo stores.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That pesky raccoon that woke me up last week was back at 2:00 a.m. today.  It's getting to be a nuisance.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Oct 22, 2006 - 22:11:06
------real story---a woman at church this morning said that she had finally taken care of the problem whe was having with a racoon getting into her garbage.  She sprinkled red pepper on the garbage last night.  This morning, there were teeth marks, but that was all....-----


Now for the bad advice:

Take him into your house and give him your bed.  Then he won't bother you anymore.

____________________________________________ __________

I just finished my ed psych assignments for the week, and now have my sociology of the American School paper to write.  I'm tired.  I can write it tomorrow, but I have other plans.  Plagarism's no good, because I have the same teacher for two classes, have written 19 papers for him so far (no joke), and my writing style is easily identifiable.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 00:23:16
Turn in a complete list of laws that make up "The Law of Christ", instead.


-------------------------------------------------


I'm having some pretty bad intestinal pains... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 00:26:07
Keep practicing.  Soon you'll be having good intestinal pains.

_________________________________________

I don't know how to keep the law that tells me to go to Rome and greet a bunch of people.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 00:29:56
Well... Whatever you do, don't ask mdd344.


---------


I'm having a conflict as to what mood bear I should put up... Advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 00:38:31
Well, the devilish one is gone....

Tell Lee you don't want a bear, you want a tiger, preferably a blue one, and you won't quit bugging him until he complies. 

____________________________________________ __

I've had a weird obsession with Blue Tigers ever since a dream I had nearly 20 years ago.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 08:02:58
Move to california, open up a ranch called "Neverland" and invite tigers, blue and other colors, to sleep with you.

=============

I'm sick and tired of having to slow down to the speed limit because a certain policeman points his radar gun at my car when I pass him every morning. This not only annoys me, but all the traffic on the road. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 08:12:37
Ignore him, especially if he lights up those Christmas lights on his roof.  He'll get the message and leave you alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a very difficult time remembering to take my bp medication every day.  How can I remind myself better?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 08:40:10
No need for reminders. Mother nature will notify you sooner or later. She has a special surprise if you wait long enough. Besides, look at all the money you are saving on prescriptions! That makes you a good steward.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

After I got married, my wife said I had to stop dating other women. Do you think she was serious?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 09:16:15
There's only one way to find out.  I'd click that ad at the top right of the page--don't worry; it's really not two guys.  When you go on the site, tell everyone you're married, but you still want to date.

____________________________________________ ______

I've got a lead on a job I'd really like to have (not too many hours, pays better than most similar jobs, affiliated with the school I'm attending).  How can I make a good imporession?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 13:24:11
Once a week take enough medication for the entire week in one dose this way you only have to take it once a week.




I'm tired of pulling weeds from around our house how can I be rid of this problem once and for all???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 17:47:38
Blow torch or Antifreeze or gasoline. ( it really does work, just don't let anybody see you doing it.)


I am in sales. My sales have slipped lately what should i do to get my sales jump started again?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 17:58:56
Give away your product free for a while.  Then after you get your customers addicted, start charging them ridiculous prices.   (I may be making some wrong assumptions about what you're selling.)

____________________________________________ ___________

I see an awful lot of people here claiming to be angelic.  How can I get them to change their moods?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 18:16:31
Don't you wish you could be HOT like me?

----------------------------------------------------

How can I get God to come and meet me on the road, ala Paul so He isn't a "respecter of Persons?"
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 18:28:43
Take out ads on TV demanding it.  I'm not sure, but I think God gets basic cable, so Comedy Central would be a good place for your ads.

____________________________________________ _________

I need to study for a mid-term.  What are some good studying strategies?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Oct 23, 2006 - 22:30:20
Well, most of mine my freshman year involved waiting to the last minute and drinking lots of coffee and Mountain Dew.  You can use that approach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife wants me to move a room divider into the basement.  I've already measured it, and it is geometrically impossible to get it down the stairs and around the corner.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 02:25:55
Cut a hole in the floor and take it down that way and put a rug over the hole to hide the hole.


I have all the right answers but no one will listen how do I get them to listen.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 08:21:53
Argue, put other people down for their lack of understanding, don't admit that anybody who disagrees with you is your brother or sister in Christ, be arrogant and condescending, have an agenda, and articulate your goals ala Ghengis Khan conquering the world. This will win you the friendship and admiration of everybody.

...............................

Some other guy claims he knows it all, but I am the only one with all the answers. How do I discredit this imposter?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 08:26:55
Point out that he uses an animal as his avatar.  That's a sure sign of apostacy.  If that doesn't work, imply that he's something awful, like a Democrat.  Try to tar him with labels like "liberal", "new age" or "cut and run".  In general, just pay attention to what politicians are doing, and do likewise. 

____________________________________________ ____________

I try to stay away from the politics board, because when I go there and see people imply that a Christian must vote a certain way, I get upset.  How can I overcome this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 08:30:21
This was my advice for Chrestian, but I think it applies to your situation as well:

Two words:  Technicolor Posts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't want to make this post, but it was preordained.  How can I buck the preordination and post what I want to?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 09:11:39
Three words:  Technicolor Posts DUH!





I am struggling trying to figure out what all of the BBC tags mean, where can I get help?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 13:31:23
Weeble I'm sending my advice telepathically...



Did you get all that???


My boss is sending messages via microwave's to try to influence my voting decisions.  I confronted him and he denied it all what should I do???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 16:39:03
Wrap your hole head in tin foil starting with you neck. This stops all brain wave distortion. Then after you have that done, stand in the middle of the office and start screaming and yelling. When every one is watching grab you crotch and lie and floor convulsing. Every body will be watching so make sure you take in the moment. It isn't every day you get the attention of every body in the office like that. Unless you are a temp.. ::pondering::


I love big Macs but i way 350lbs..any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 16:54:59
Switch to a small Windows computer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been cutting back on coffee because I thought I was drinking too much.  I wasn't even having it but a time or two a week.  Today, I've had three mugs.  Any help getting back on the wagon?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 17:08:14
The best thing to do is flood your system, so make sure you drink 25 pots of coffee before you go to bed tonight, when you wake up tomorrow you can start a new.




I am feeling bad because I thought my dog was showing homosexual tendencies and I shot her. My wife said that she was just "greeting" another dog.  How do I prove I was right?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 17:24:17
Well you should dig the body up. Cut off a piece of the flesh. Have that cloned..Then observe the dog and see if it is homosexual . If it is then shoot it again. tell your wife i told you so.


Some times my pastor doesn't give sermons about what i need personally. How can i influence him to preach about my needs?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 17:49:58
When ordering your Big Mac's order a diet soda that should help.




What's the best way to get stains out of a carpet???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 19:12:51
I just put my dogs in the room with the stain and a huge bowl of food and water close the door and in a few short days the stain looks at home and you no longer need to worry about it.



I am worried about money when i retire. I havent started to save for it yet. What is the quickest way to get some money for my empty 401k?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 20:32:15
Don't worry about getting any money into it.  Contact whoever's in charge of it, and tell them you want to withdraw your 401,000 dollars now and invest it elsewhere.  Insist that you know that's what 401k means.

___________________________________________

I got a letter telling me I have 367 dollars in a 401(k) account that I had previously cleaned out.  It's in United Air Lines stock, which is likely to go down before it goes up (if it ever does).  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 22:25:20
Cash it out and give it to EverlastingFlow,  we all know that he needs the money.






I need to get my count up,  how do I do it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 22:29:15
Start 25 different threads on the same subject.  Folks love that


I need to go look for a job but don't know what I want to apply for and don't really want to work many hours but want to make a lot of money to make it worth my time but want time off with pay when I need it What shoud I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 22:51:21
(coincidentally, I'm going for an interview for a 20-hour a week job tomorrow that pays decent.)

Become a virtual guru.  If that sounds meaningless, all the better.  You get to define the job however you want, and no one can contradict you.

If that doesn't work, run for congress.

____________________________________________ _________________

How should I dress for my interview tomorrow?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Oct 24, 2006 - 22:55:48
Dress?  Don't dress.  Show up naked.  That will impress them that you aren't worried about mere externals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do I keep the boards of the wood floor I'm laying lined up so that they are still square when I get to the other end of the room?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Oct 25, 2006 - 09:49:33
Dress?  Don't dress.  Show up naked.  That will impress them that you aren't worried about mere externals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do I keep the boards of the wood floor I'm laying lined up so that they are still square when I get to the other end of the room?

2 words: Hard Liquor. After a 5th of Jack everything looks crooked, and you won't be able to tell the difference. If anybody criticizes your floor, give them a 5th also.  Pretty soon everybody will love your floor.

++++++++++++++++++++

I want to open a liquor store for Christians, is that wrong?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Wed Oct 25, 2006 - 10:40:29
Not if they need to put down a floor! ::smile::

My mums keep dying.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Oct 25, 2006 - 10:42:26
Don't ask anybody else to adopt you.

+++++++++++++++++

I won a bazillion dollars in the lottery, should I tell anybody?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Wed Oct 25, 2006 - 10:45:14
Only me!

My best friend won a bazillion dollars in the lottery but I get the idea they don't want to share it with me.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Wed Oct 25, 2006 - 11:14:10
Send them a statement for half of the total   for your friendship all these years.   They should be glad to give it to you, after all you are worth it!



It is too cold here for October.   What do I do to get used to this weather??
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Wed Oct 25, 2006 - 11:15:59
It is too cold here for October.   What do I do to get used to this weather??



Go to a Christian Liquor Store and get Drunk.  Drunks are always taking off their clothes because they are so hot.

I am taking the Older members to look at the changing leaves on Saturday.  What can I do to pass the time.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Wed Oct 25, 2006 - 14:38:10
take the SS dancing girls along.

My hair is starting to fall out how do I stop it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Oct 25, 2006 - 14:42:07
bvaug: The answer to your problem is the same answer to every problem: Correct doctrine. Just study the Bible harder and you will grow hair, again.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I keep seeing suggestive imagery in everybody's avatar. I don't want to stop, I just wanted to share this with everyone.

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Wed Oct 25, 2006 - 14:50:02
try drinking a glass of bleach and maybe it will clean you suggestive imagery

My close are all getting smaller what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 10:39:23
Try not to depend too much on your spellchecker, your close might fit, then.

)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(

People always seem to treat me rudely. What do you bunch of idiots think might be causing this? And don't give me any stupid jerk answers. Morons.

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 10:46:53
Thanks for putting me in my place it's been years since I was called a moron I almost forgot I was a moron.   The answer to your question is your waaaaayyyyy to passive people are going to walk all over you.


I'm off work for 5 days but at home here I have at least 6 days of worth of work how can I cut that down to 3 days worth of work so I have 2 days without any work.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 10:52:37
Call in the Wrecking Crew.    They will get rid of that stuff that you need to do,   because you need your rest and relaxation.   Don't worry about that other stuff.


My favorite apple is McIntosh,   and my grocer doesn't carry them.   What can I do to get him to buy McIntosh?????
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 11:01:07
Get a hold of Vinny and he'll "make him an offer he can't refuse"


I got hurt at work the other day, actually it was my feelings which got hurt do I have a workmen's comp. claim???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 13:40:05
Sure.  Take it to the Supreme Court if they deny your claim.

____________________________________

I suspect that the male workers at the place I interviewed yesterday would rather hire the young, pretty girl who interviewed before I did.  What can I do to overcome this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 13:50:24
rofl   Too many, too many forms of bad advice to choose from!  Somebody else take this one.  rofl
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 14:22:12
I suspect that the male workers at the place I interviewed yesterday would rather hire the young, pretty girl who interviewed before I did.  What can I do to overcome this?

Convince those men that she is actually a cross-dresser.

-----------------------------------------------------

I constantly have really bad breath.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 14:29:38
Take possession of your halitosis.  Claim it as a blessing!  Bad breath is a sign of strength, of dominance.  It gives you the edge in every conversation, as the other person will take three steps back the moment you open your mouth!

________________________________

I can see what I need to do to secure my future, but I cannot pay for it.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 15:15:18
I can see what I need to do to secure my future, but I cannot pay for it.  What should I do?

Buy lots of stock in the MasterLock company.  They can secure just about anything.

--------------------------------------

My stock market advice is worse than the metaphorical monkey's.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 15:18:01
Invest in companies that are about to declare bankruptcy.  That strategy has got me where I am today.

____________________________________________ ____________

I just discovered that the UAL stock that was put into my defunct 401(k) account that I can't figure out how to access has increased around $10  a share since it was put in.  How can I access the money before it loses value again?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 15:24:27
I just discovered that the UAL stock that was put into my defunct 401(k) account that I can't figure out how to access has increased around $10  a share since it was put in.  How can I access the money before it loses value again?

Write a letter to the chairman of the SEC.  He'll take ownership of the problem for you.

----------------------------------------------------

I have an irrational fear of the number 666.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 15:30:35
Wait.  All will be revealed soon.

__________________________________________

I need to do other things, but I'm sitting here like a dolt waiting for people to get to a certain number on the last post thread.  Am I an idiot?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 15:33:08
Yes.  But, embrace your idiocy, celebrate it.  It's worked for plenty of politicians.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can't seem to lose the last five pounds to reach my weight goal.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Thu Oct 26, 2006 - 18:58:03
I can't seem to lose the last five pounds to reach my weight goal.  Ideas?

You can lyposuction away the pounds at home.  Self-surgery is safe, effective, and inexpensive!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I have fallen and I can't get up!  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Oct 27, 2006 - 07:33:27
Don't worry about it.  Just plan on living the rest of your life on the floor.  It's easier down there, anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the best way to figure out how much to pay a minister?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Oct 27, 2006 - 07:57:54
Figure out how much a person can make 1 dollar over qualifying for government assistance.  That will keep him humble all right.

------------------------------------------------------

I have a song in my head that I can get out from watching something sung by Borat.  How do I get the song out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Fri Oct 27, 2006 - 08:13:41
Try dental surgery without the anesthesia.  After the third tooth is extracted you won't be thinking of that song anymore.

-------------------------------------------

I saw an episode of Seinfeld where George purchased a  reclining chair with a refrigerator built into it.  How can I get one of those?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Fri Oct 27, 2006 - 12:21:54
Check the city dump and it won't cost you a dime.


I accidentally got my head stuck in a vice luckily I was able to remove the vice from my work bench what's my next step???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Fri Oct 27, 2006 - 13:24:04
OK, now turn the vice handle clockwise.  Or was it counterclockwise?  Well, just turn the handle.  If you turn the wrong way it can't hurt.

------------------------------------------------

I just received my paycheck and I don't know what to do with the cash.  Help, please!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Oct 27, 2006 - 15:51:34
Send it to me.  I'll PM you with my address.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our LIFE group meets tonight, but the World Series is on, and most of those folks are misguided non-fans of baseball.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Oct 27, 2006 - 15:55:20
Tivo the life group that way you can watch it after the important stuff is over.


 ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile:: ::smile::



My inner elbow itches, how can I get it to stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Oct 28, 2006 - 17:17:00
If your inner-elbow itches, that's a sign your inner child wants to come out.  Address the cause, not the symptom.  Give in.  Go to a playground and go down the slide.  Go find a ball pit and jump in. 

____________________________________________ _____________

It's time to do the bulletin, and I've got a lot of stuff people have given me to put in, which leaves little space for my input.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Sat Oct 28, 2006 - 18:08:51
Write a really spiritual 2 page article and leave all that other stuff out.  If people want to be involved they'll figure out the what, when , where stuff on their own.

---------

Our shower drain is clogged and has not responded to increasingly more powerful chemicals over the last few days.  What should I do now?

OD
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Oct 28, 2006 - 22:39:43
Explosives.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dog scratched the dining room table last night retrieving some chicken bones (I thought he was supposed to retrieve labradors).  He almost died. Not from the chicken bones, from my wife.  What's the best way to fix the scratches?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Oct 28, 2006 - 22:41:27
fingerpaint.  It'll look like new.

____________________________________________ _

No one will tell me what "an indian blanket on a pony with no rider in the flesh and bone" means.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Sat Oct 28, 2006 - 23:41:02
Ask the preacher tomorrow at church... during the sermon.

---------

Sulphuric acid opened the drain, but now the whole house smells like rotten eggs.  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Oct 29, 2006 - 13:43:51
Go buy a couple dozen fresh eggs and break them all over your house.  It'll neutralize the smell.

_________________________________-

I asked about the indian blanket thing during Bible class, and it seemed to disrupt things.  Well, that and the can of worms I opened about accepting believers in other churches (I think the quote that caused disagreement particularly was when I said, "disagreement doesn't cause division; separating from others causes division").  Whichever one it was, I'm afraid that my views will be publically denounced when I go back this evening.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sun Oct 29, 2006 - 13:54:42
Set the building on fire and no one will have time to talk about what you said earlier today.




 ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool:: ::cool::

I have a sinus headache, how can I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Sun Oct 29, 2006 - 19:43:59
Laxatives will cure lots of things...


I used an elementary school picture of my wife as a sermon illustration this morning - without asking, btw - now she is "put out" with me.  What should I do?

OD
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Oct 29, 2006 - 19:47:51
Tell her to get over it, or else embarrasing photos of her will become a regular feature of your sermon.

____________________________________

I am not happy with a decision made at church tonight.  I think it was ill-conceived, arrived at haphazardly, and will cause great harm.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Oct 29, 2006 - 20:33:06
See Weeble's earlier advice about church.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the best way to explain a decision to implement a contemporary service to those who don't think it's a good idea?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 00:13:33
Just tell them it is going to be this way and if they do not like it they can just tuff it.

What is the best way to plant elephant ears next spring.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 01:14:01
Sedate the elephant first.  Then turn the elephant on its back, and plant the ears with the trunk pointing up.

____________________________________________ ___________

I'm determined to start marketing my manuscripts again.  How should I proceed?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 01:19:28
Ask Robert if he can get you some space in the SS. He might have connections there that could get you started.


How do I get started in the stock market?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 08:24:14
Go out to the edge of town, to the stock yards or sale barn, and buy several head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to go furniture shopping tonight.  What's the best way to handle that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 09:12:23
Make sure you have all your night furniture shopping stuff with you: Ski mask, crow bar, rental truck and someone to act as a lookout.

""""""""""""""""""""""""

My uvula is sore, any recommendations?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 09:16:15
Have it removed.  Who needs one of those hanging down in the back of your throat, anyway.

____________________________________________ ___________

I didn't sleep last night.  I drifted off at 4:30 or so and slept on and off for two or three hours.  How do I get things done today?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 09:20:18
Become a preacher. They only work one day a week. If you are already a preacher, why are you trying to screw things up for the rest of us? Quit being such a "ball of fire." Go golfing.

(((((((((((()))))))))))))

I'm have trouble with my short irons. I'm afraid the other preachers will start mocking me for being too unspiritual. What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 11:49:38
Cut them down and make them shorter, that way you will be closer to your knees for prayer.




I have to go to court today because I got a speeding ticket.  How do I get out of the ticket?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 13:32:30
Offer to split the amount of the fine with the judge.  He/she will appreciate that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I ate lunch at a Chinese buffet today.  Now I can barely keep my eyes open.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 19:01:52
What ever you do don't "Cat" nap.    OK I'll give myself my own  ::doh::





Tommorrow I go with a former elder to visit some exceptionally crabby widows.  How can I stay positive?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Oct 30, 2006 - 19:47:48
Carry a Walkman (or whatever they're called these days) and play cheery, positive music with the headphones on the whole time you're there.  Sing along.  I'd recommend "Shiny Happy People" by REM and "Happy Together" by the Turtles to start with. 

____________________________________________ ______

I can't find the one book I need.  I remember when I had it last, but I still can't figure out what I did with it.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Tue Oct 31, 2006 - 09:37:54
Please refer to the approved reading list from notofmyown's elders. You don't need anything else.

__________________

I keep getting these urges to wear a robe and collar when I preach, and to sprinkle babies' heads with water. I started referring to myself in the 3rd person as the "Right Reverend Chrestian." I'm afraid I turning liturgical. Please help.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 31, 2006 - 09:51:42
PM CD and ask him for advice.

_________________________________-

I have to go to class tonight, which means I won't be able to go to my sister's house in town and hand out candy to trick-or-treaters.  I enjoy Halloween, and am finally in the spirit.  But I can't miss class.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Oct 31, 2006 - 09:53:12
Call in a bomb threat.

-----------------------------------------

I was going to go out for Halloween dressed as a mormon.  But I have small groups.  What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 31, 2006 - 09:55:38
Take them all out with you.  In pairs.

____________________________________________ ____-

I want to grow a moustache like Borat's, but mine tends to come in thin and blonde.   What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Oct 31, 2006 - 11:22:26
Find a black cat (should be easy, it's Halloween), and cut a big chunk of hair out and use it as a moustache.    You will be envied by everyone.




Tonite is Halloween, and I wanted to go as a Catholic nun.   What should I do about the nosy neighbors?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Oct 31, 2006 - 11:52:30
Call in the Spanish Inquistion on them.  No one expects the Spanish Inquistion!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My A/V components won't all fit into my new entertainment  center.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marsak on Tue Oct 31, 2006 - 15:33:12
throw away the entertainment center and suspend everything from the ceiling.



I'm taking my son trick or treating tonight I'm going as a J. W. if I accidentally convert anybody how do I unconvert them.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Oct 31, 2006 - 22:38:34
Eat lots of garlic before you go out, so there won't be a risk of accidental conversion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hung everything from the ceiling, but now my wife is complaining that it looks ugly, and hits her head when she walks through the room.  Now what?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Oct 31, 2006 - 22:42:24
Take out all your light bulbs and install a strobe light in the room.  You may never hear her complain again.

____________________________________________ ______

Well, I got an A on my mid-term in intro to Special Ed, and it looks like I'll end up with all A's this semester, barring a disaster in the last few weeks.  How do I keep this up from here on out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Wed Nov 01, 2006 - 08:35:02
You probably can't so just quit now while you are ahead.



 ::frustrated:: ::frustrated:: ::frustrated:: ::frustrated:: ::frustrated:: ::frustrated:: ::frustrated:: ::frustrated:: ::frustrated:: ::frustrated::


Well I have a dentist appointment tommorrow and I am looking at all of this candy from last night.  How can I have the candy and not get in trouble with my dentist?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Nov 01, 2006 - 08:48:42
Take him some when you go.  If you share, everything will be fine.

______________________________________-

I broke a tooth yesterday, and I can't afford to go to the dentist.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Nov 01, 2006 - 08:52:36
Two words: Dremel Tool.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Space aliens are abducting me while I sleep. How can I stop this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Nov 01, 2006 - 09:11:03
Take out a warrant against them.  Your local law enforcement agency loves to help in these cases.

____________________________________________

I need to come up with something simple for (young teen) Bible class tonight. Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Wed Nov 01, 2006 - 11:32:34
Look at how Revelation is complemented by the book of Daniel.


 ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering:: ::pondering::



I am addicted  to Jerrie Springer reruns. How can I stop!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Wed Nov 01, 2006 - 19:35:38
Invite people over who are sleeping with their wife's sister's best friends mother and throw chairs at each other, then you won't need to watch it so much.  Oh and throw in some transvestites

They've taken my new favorite TV show off the air.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Thu Nov 02, 2006 - 12:35:28
Take your gun and shoot the TV set.    It is an Elvis impersonation, and you will not have to worry about the shows anymore.   


I am at work, and my boss keeps standing over me!   How do I get him to stop???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Nov 02, 2006 - 14:02:49
Show him this thread.

____________________________________________ _________

My college website crashes every time I call it up.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Nov 02, 2006 - 14:53:42
Change to a different college with a better website.  There are some that will give you a diploma much quicker, for a small fee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We've been invited to dinner tonight by an older couple, and I don't know what would be the best gift.  They don't drink, so wine is out.  She's nearly blind and can't smell well, so flowers won't work.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Nov 02, 2006 - 15:49:29
Chris Cornell (late of Soundgarden) and members of Rage Against The Machine have formed a band called Audioslave that has some new stuff out.  Their new CD would make a good gift for the couple. It's called Revelations, so you have the advantage of a Biblical theme.

___________________________________________


Seems the problem with the college website has to do with my computer having problems with adobe flash at the moment.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Nov 02, 2006 - 17:02:52
Well, I fixed my problem before anyone offered me advice, thank you.  Seems I had a program running in the background that was messing me up. So now I need help with something else...

I am confident WVU will route Louisville tonight.  Vegas has L'vl a 2 pt favorite.  I have no money. How can I cash in?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Nov 02, 2006 - 17:18:37
Isn't the word "rout"?  Anyway, call up your bookie, and ask to make the bet on credit.  I'm sure he'll be happy to do it.  In fact, if you're really confident, bet what it's going to cost you for your whole education, plus living expenses for the next several years, then you'll be in good shape for sure.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's some burly guy named Guido outside, something about a gambling debt.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Nov 02, 2006 - 17:24:00
Nah.  They're going to chase them down the road.

Invite him in and order pizza.  If his name's Guido, he'll like pizza.  Tell him to sit down and watch the WVU Louisville game. And ask him if you can put enough money to cover your bet on Louisville.

____________________________________________ ________

The game being played in Papa John's stadium will make me crave pizza, and no one delivers here.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 00:44:20
Make your own and trow all the leftovers on it and you will not crave it agin.

My dog is missing and I can't find it anywhere what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 09:10:11
He was probably on a plane that crashed on an island inhabited by a colony of weirdos, invisible/smoke monsters, cyclops in hatches and polar bears.  Go find this island.

_______________________________________

I just shaved off my beard because of a cracked place on the corner of my mouth that was bleeding.  What should I do about my skin cracking? What if nobody recognizes me now that I'm clean-shaven?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 09:51:13
Take advantage of the opportunity to do a little spying on your friends. Liberally slather Crisco tinted blue on your face (this will also help the cracking problem), put on a fedora, sunglasses and black trench coat and surreptitiously eavesdrop on other people's conversations.

I have to travel next week, but right now I feel rotten. I'm congested and coughing and yucky in general. How can I make this trip more bearable?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 10:19:59
Find someone to clone you and send the clone then you can just stay in bed.

The theology threads have all gotten old and boring how can I change that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 10:23:53
Start a new topic about how the hidden books of the Bible show the truth that we are all descended from a group of aliens that colonized this planet in 3,000 BC, after wiping out the previous inhabitants.  Then mention that you've received communication that the mother ship is on its way here, and should arrive in time for Christmas.

____________________________________________ _______

I'm looking for a book to give someone, but I'm too much of a perfectionist to ever find one that suits me.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 10:27:06
Tell Santa Clause of your wishes to give it as a gift and he will know what to do.

I need to be fixing a cainsaw but I can not seem to get away from the computor what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 12:48:07
Use the chainsaw to cut the power cord on the computer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do I get out of a Friday afternoon meeting?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 13:14:39
Tell them we are no longer in daylight savings time and have set our calenders forward one day.

Where should I look for a new job now that I have just been fired?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 13:27:11
I heard that Enron was a great company to work for. I would try there, the have allot of management openings.

My wife is mad at me, how can i brighten her eyes?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 13:30:34
Fake with the right, then lead with the left.  When she is reeling come around with the strong hand, that should "brighten" both of her eyes.



 ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert:: ::alert::

IT is cold in the church building and the space heater keeps blowing the fuse.  How can I stay warm?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: everlastingflow on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 14:16:12
take all the Bibles and put them in a pile, douse just a small amount of lighter fluid on them and light er up. You will be warm as a bug in a rug.



My cat has a skin problem and we have to put ointment on here but her hair is really long, how can i make this job easier?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 16:19:34
Give her a bath in the oil.  Hold her under until she stops kicking.

____________________________________________ ________

My car broke down today, and I caught a ride home and left it sitting.  How do I get it home if I can't get it started?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 17:31:09
Ask to borrow the car from the person who gave you a ride home and split  (Scrape off the ID and exchange with the other care and switch license plates.  Confess and ask for forgiveness next sunday morning)

What advise should I give to John Kerry's joke writers?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 18:05:52
(man, I wish I'd read that first!  I went and called a tow truck.)

Tell them to stay the course.

___________________________________________

My mood bear is gloomy.  How do I cheer him up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 18:11:26
I am compelled to give you this advice:

Two words:  Medicinal Marijuana

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone from church is trying to get me to go to a meeting in a network marketing thingy (which is affiliated with the parent company of Amway).  How do I politely turn them down?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 03, 2006 - 18:15:00
Now look at what you've done!
----------------------------------------------------------

As to the Amway thing, go, and try to sell them Shaklee products while you're there.

____________________________________________ ___________

My car's in the garage.  How do I get around?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Nov 05, 2006 - 00:25:57
What do you need to get around for? Leaving the house is overrated. Stay home, and just post on GCM from now on...

--------------------------------------------

I'm getting the flu, and am supposed to preach tomorrow morning...   Any adivce?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Nov 05, 2006 - 08:05:35
Preach today, instead.  Usually more people show up at church on Sunday than Monday anyway.

________________________________________

I don't like talking about my political views here, because they tend to not be in the mainstream on this board (just in real life), and people act like I'm a Satanic idiot for thinking the things I do, but reading these posts which are now spilling out of the political section and onto other boards makes my blood pressure rise.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Sun Nov 05, 2006 - 10:22:18
Get you some old fashion weed and smoke it till your heart is content and then it will mellow you and everything will be funny.


Christmas is coming and I don't want to give up my hard earned money on love gifts to others but it is the normal thing to do. How do I get out of it with out looking like a selfish jerk?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Nov 05, 2006 - 12:55:17
Send everyone cards telling them that in lieu of a gift, a donation has been made in their name to a charity.  Then keep the money yourself.

____________________________________________-

I'm smoking ragweed, and it's making me sick.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Nov 06, 2006 - 07:21:45
Don't inhale.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the best way to find something mislayed in the house?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 00:30:41
Open your house house up to blood hounds they will tear every thing up while searching and then you wwill have more to worry about than worry about what was lost.

My Hair needs cutting but I don't have the time or money what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 00:39:10
Convert one of your lawn mowers into a hair cutting machine.

------------------------

I've had the flu for a couple of days, now...  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 00:48:40
Yes drink lots of rubbing alcohol and cover your head with a plastic bag that should kill the flu.

My computer is slow is there anyway to speed it up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 00:53:33
Try jump starting it with your car.

-------------

I have to get some paperwork over to the bank by the end of the week, but don't know when I'll have the time to get everything finished... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 01:00:39
Just tell the banker that you will get it to him when and if you chose.

I have to get the wife something special for Christmas any Ideals?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 01:18:29
Register her on GCM, and get her the last post on the Last Post Thread.


I'm planning a mass mailout for the church... Any ideas to help?


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 01:33:17
Just rent an airplane and fly around and toss them out the window of the plane.


I have questions that need answers does anyone know where to find someone with all the answers?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 11:57:49
Just send me $50 per question, and I'll provide you with some answers.

OK, I voted.  Now, how do I make sure my candidates win?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 12:28:59
Vote early,  and vote often.      That's the Chicago way.   Your candidates will win.



I am in the office by myself,   and I need to use the restroom.
What do I do about the phones??
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 12:54:10
Unhook one of the phones and take it into the restroom with you.

____________________________________________ ____

Someone is shooting a gun near my house right now (remember, I live in the woods) and it's bugging me.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Nov 07, 2006 - 22:50:33
Dress up in a deer costume, and sneak up on him, to teach him a lesson about paying attention to where he's shooting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where can I purchase furniture for a reasonable price?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Wed Nov 08, 2006 - 15:27:04
New York City.   The prices are incredible,  and you can get everything you want for $ 50.00.


How do I tell my best friend that she is demanding too much of my time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Nov 08, 2006 - 15:40:25
Don't tell here directly; just start pretending that you don't know her.  Act like she's crazy when she tries to talk to you.  She'll get the message.

____________________________________________ ________________

I'm dreading teaching Bible class tonight, because I'm mentally tired and the kids always take advantage of that.  what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Wed Nov 08, 2006 - 16:14:23
Tell them you're playing quiet mouse and take a nap


I just spent 60.00 at the grocery store and still don't know what to cook.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Nov 08, 2006 - 16:17:04
Call out for pizza.  when they deliver it, take the pizza, tell the man you paid at the grocery store, and close the door.

____________________________________________ ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________ _______

I am happy about the results of the election, but I realize that saying so on this board will cause many to tell me I'm headed for the hot place.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Wed Nov 08, 2006 - 18:41:09
Tell them this is proof that they are the ones all going to hell because God wanted it the way it went


I just gave a good friend some really bad advice and now I'm afraid he might get kicked off the message board and I'll sure miss him.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Nov 08, 2006 - 20:01:55
Just convince yourself that he wasn't really a friend after all, and deserved to be kicked off, especially if he was so gullible as to take bad advice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I pointed out in the auditorium class at church tonight that our demographics do not reflect those of the community.  Now, I think some folks are annoyed with me.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Nov 08, 2006 - 21:22:21
Convince your church that you weren't criticizing them, you were criticizing the community, who should be more like your church.

____________________________________________ _____________

Right after seeing our kids FINALLY singing out loud and together tonight, after working with them on this for close to a year, I heard that one of our members wants to put on a Christmas cantata with them.  The word "disaster" comes to mind. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Thu Nov 09, 2006 - 13:59:06
Offer to do a solo performance of cats


side note to marc--did you get that job you interviewed for?

Still not wanting to work but still probably need to.  What should I do? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Nov 09, 2006 - 16:31:18
(nah.  The interview was rather comical.  In the end, I suspect they hired the small, young, pretty girl who interviewed before me.  I overheard comments made in another room in which the way she looked was mentioned as a big positive point.)

What I'm doing right now.  Talk a lot about needing a job, but don't spend much time looking for one. It'll make you feel better, at least.

____________________________________________ __________

I've almost finished my observation--only one more session, and the supervising teacher hasn't read the materials I gave her in the beginning and thus hasn't involved me in the classes as much as I should have been.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Thu Nov 09, 2006 - 17:54:55
marks advice:  What I'm doing right now.  Talk a lot about needing a job, but don't spend much time looking for one. It'll make you feel better, at least.

uh marc--it's the bad advice thread---that was excellent advice!

____________________________________________ ________________

Throw a temper tantrum like a 2 year old

I'm wanting to ask a question right here and can't think of one.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Nov 09, 2006 - 18:00:38
Copy the first question on the thread.  No one will remember it.

____________________________________________ _______-

My mother saw a story on the news about the State treasurer's office trying to give unclaimed money to the people it goes to, and asked me to check online to see if she had any from an old land sale.  She didn't, but my name and address are listed as having unclaimed money.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 07:32:41
Before you file the claim for it, purchase Lotto tickets for the full amount.  Investing is always a good idea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the best way to keep a seven year old car running for at least another seven years?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 07:38:29
Walk everywhere you go and save its energy.

I'm confused because sat is actually veterans day so I don't know if the business are closed today(fri) or(mon) for veterans day and I need to get my drivers license at my new state but I don't know when to go.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 07:40:18
Wait and go on Thanksgiving.  Then you'll know for sure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm afraid that, having only slept 3 1/2 hours last night (and that not solid), I'll go to sleep at the job fair.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 07:46:03
Take a blanket and pillow so you will be comfortable.  If they say anything about it, explain to them that you are such a dedicated employee that you wanted to demonstrate even how you sleep so they could see just what a great employee they were getting.  Scratch that--fairs aren't really interviews are they?

I'm getting bored with the tv shows and computer but still much happier than getting a job.  What should I do?
 

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 07:50:08
Take the T.V. and computer apart and see if you can put 'em together again.  If not, you're not ready yet for a job.

* * *

I still have to unpack a whole bedroom full of boxes, but I'm unsure how long we'll be in our current house (a rental).  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 08:05:25
Do what I did and stuff them in a closet and pretend you unpacked them!

I can't find my crock pot and I'm needing it to make dressing.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 13:57:03
You shouldn't be wearing your crockpot anyway. That's silly!  Dress using clothes, not kitchen appliances.

______________________________________---

My lack of sleep is making me see things that aren't there, but I don't have time to nap.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 16:25:36
Play like you're on acid and just go with it.


I found my crock pot so now I have to make the dressing but am afraid I'll mess up Thanksgiving.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 18:24:41
Send out notices to your family cancelling Thanksgiving... If there's no Thanksgiving, you can't mess it up!

-------------------------------------

I have to go to a birthday party, but am not really in the mood for socializing... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 18:42:38
Put a bag over your head.  This should help, but to make sure, tie dead rats to your belt.  You won't have to worry about socializing. 

____________________________________________ ____________

I need to organize and update a journal for a class.  Any pointers?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 22:41:24
As with all academic paperwork, the answer is easy: plagiarize.

How do I ensure that tomorrow morning's elders' meeting doesn't run long?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 10, 2006 - 22:44:53
Lock the doors and don't let the elders in.

____________________________________________ ___

I'm very sleepy, but I'm afraid to go to bed because of bad dreams.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Sat Nov 11, 2006 - 14:48:55
Drink lots of tea


I woke up really early and now I'm sleepy.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Nov 11, 2006 - 15:51:40
Drink lots of Red Bull.

What's the best way to use a nail gun?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Sat Nov 11, 2006 - 17:19:58
Point it at your foot and shoot so you can make sure the aim is right before you put a hole in your wall

I'm going to a new sofcofc tomorrow to check them out as I'm trying to decide where to worship in my new place and I've been wearing nice slacks as I visit different places but for some reason since its a sofcofc I'm thinking maybe I should wear a dress but I really don't want to.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Nov 12, 2006 - 08:21:44
Just go in you underwear, carrying both slacks and a dress.  When you get there, you can put on the appropriate one to blend in.

My teeth feel grungy after eating breakfast.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Nov 12, 2006 - 08:28:09
kiss your wife "freedom" style and pass it on!

--------------------------------------

How do I let people down gently that Michigan Vs. Ohio State is the true National Championship game?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sun Nov 12, 2006 - 22:30:32
Gently spray paint the message on their garage doors.

--------------------------

I want to start a new evangelism class, but am worried about participation and attendance...  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Mon Nov 13, 2006 - 00:43:39
Just rent a room at the local bar and offer free drinks and have a football game on tv with the sound switched to your lesson. That will bring in the attendance and you will get much participation with the complaints about the lesson overriding the announcer of the game.

I am having trouble deciding what the main dish for thanksgiving should be this year any help?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 08:45:06
I think the main dish should be cows liver.   Turkey is overrated anyhow.
And when you cut into the gritty liver you will know you have served a treat fit for a king.



I am wondering how to get out of inviting someone to my house for Thanksgiving.   They just assume they will be invited.   What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 08:58:34
Pick one of your relatives that you find to be very annoying.  Tell your friend that you are hosting the dinner at that relative's home this year and that he/she is welcome to come!  And then really host the dinner at your home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife wants to have turkey for Christmas dinner, but ham is the tradition that I grew up with.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trinity on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 09:22:13
Throw the turkey in the trash and say that it just disappeared and have a ham ready to be cooked instead for a back up.




What do I do about my failing grade in algebra?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 09:38:18
Nothing.  Algebra is incredibly unimportant.  When you stand before God on the Day of Judgment, will He ask how you did in Algebra?

Of course not.

Therefore Algebra is unimportant.

Write that on all of your assignment.  Go ahead and do the problems for good measure, but put down 354XY as the answer for every one of them.

____________________________________________ __________

I have a major project to complete by this evening, and I'm hallucinating again. How can I stop the little orange creatures carrying swords from landing on my monitor?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 09:44:23
Coat the top of the monitor with oil, so it will be too slick for them.  A good, thick coating of WD-40 is best, since the graphite in it will make the oil more obvious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm supposed to have lunch with a person with whom I hoped to have some frank, personal discussion.  He left me a voice mail saying he's bringing along another guy, so that changes everything.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 09:56:49
Go ahead with the frank, personal discussion as if the other guy weren't there.  Just ignore him; he doesn't matter anyway.  Proceed as if he isn't in the room.  Don't speak to him; don't acknowledge his presence.

Then leave him with the bill.

____________________________________________ ________________

I finished my classroom observation yesterday, and the supervising teacher didn't give me the opportunity to do everything I was supposed to do.  How should I fill out my papers concerning this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 10:08:55
Write the report with a crayon using your best doctor hand writing. If they ask just nod your head and exclaim "It was excellent."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At times I get depressed because my post count is so low, what would you do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 10:10:59
Just post a bunch of one word posts -- no real meaning needed, just post.  Better yet, start a fight -- that will guarantee your increasing involvement.

* * *

I don't want to do the laundry.  Or clean the bathroom.  Or the kitchen. I just wanna' be a bum today.  Any suggestions for domestic goddess motivation?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 12:48:09
[Well, lunch turned out well after all, and the third guy had some incredible insights (he agreed with me, in other words) on history and literature.]

Kalen,

The ancients had gods and goddesses for all kinds of things.  Just declare yourself the domestic goddess of laziness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do a dispose of old wall-to-wall carpeting?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 12:53:01
Don't dispose of the carpeting.  Rebuild the walls.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am supposed to be working but instead I'm wasting time posting on this forum.  What's the best way to get myself back to work?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kalen on Tue Nov 14, 2006 - 15:15:16
Burn your computer.

(Incidentally, I'd burn the wall to wall carpeting too -- I am the queen of laziness, afterall...)


* * *

I just ran out of those Planter's Deluxe Mixed Nuts I love so much -- but I can't get to the grocery store any time soon to buy some more!  What am I gonna' do?!?1
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Wed Nov 15, 2006 - 16:19:09
Just call the local suppermarket and have them delivered

The wife wants to paint the inside of the house but I don't like the color she wants what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Thu Nov 16, 2006 - 09:45:01
Paint it the color you want,  after all you're doing the painting.   If she doesn't like it,  take crayons and draw pictures and write words all over it.   That will remind her of when her children were young and she will love you for it.



I am planning on taking a vacation day on Wednesday so I can cook for Thanksgiving but people are planning all kind of activities for me.   How do I get out of this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Nov 16, 2006 - 10:30:53
Just call in to the local news station and report yourself as being abducted by aliens and hide your car and lock your door and don't answer the phone and you can have the whole day to yourself.

My daughter requested that I make a couple of pecan pies for thanksgiving but I don't want to what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Thu Nov 16, 2006 - 10:59:12
pretend you have Alzheimers and don't remember being asked

I'm nervous about having my family for thanksgiving.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Nov 17, 2006 - 09:05:54
Do something outrageous to make the whole family angry with you, so they won't come over for Thanksgiving.  Better yet, commit a major crime, and get arrested.  They can't expect you to host them while you're locked up.

My car is due for it's 110,000 mile oil change.  What's the best oil to use?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 17, 2006 - 10:06:44
I always try to go for name brands, so I'd use Crisco.

____________________________________________ ________

Everything I eat upsets my stomach, yet I keep eating.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Fri Nov 17, 2006 - 23:17:25
Stop eating.

------------------------

I have to help a brother move tomorrow, but am really sore from helping another brother move on Wednesday... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Nov 17, 2006 - 23:20:55
send your wife to help your brother.
____________________________________________ ______

I'm sleepy.  What should I do about it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Nov 18, 2006 - 09:47:14
Drink a six pack of Red Bull.  The resulting frequent trips to the restroom will keep you awake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been trying to follow your advice on the Crisco, but it's hard to get it down the filler neck while cool, and if I heat it up to liquid form, it burns me.  Any thoughts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Nov 18, 2006 - 22:00:03
Umm...you do realize that you can buy Crisco in liquid form?  Should I have specified Crisco oil?  Nah.  That's probably not it.  Since it seems you're using a can of Crisco, what you do is empty your oil (you've likely already done this), and turn the can upside down on top of the filler neck.  then start the car and drive down the road.  Then engine will make the Crisco hot, and it will liquify, and pour into your engine.

____________________________________________ __________

I'm noticing an offensive-looking link at the bottom of the page.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Nov 19, 2006 - 17:03:45
Click it multiple times.  That will annoy them, and they'll quit advertising.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife wanted me to move a large bookcase into the basement.  I told her it wouldn't make the turn at the bottom of the stairs, but she wouldn't believe me.  So, I had a buddy come over, and we proved that it wouldn't go.  Now, how do I keep from announcing "I told you so" loudly?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Sun Nov 19, 2006 - 18:23:51
Don't hold back.  In fact, you should take out a full page ad in the newspaper to announce it.  She'll respect you for that.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't figure out women.  They don't make any sense.  Can you help?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Thu Nov 23, 2006 - 05:57:34
Sign up for a "Women's Issues" course at the local community college.  That won't help you figure them out, just convince you to stop trying.

My glasses keep sliding off my nose - what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Nov 23, 2006 - 08:44:33
Superglue.  It may be a bit awkward when it comes time for sleep or a shower, but the payoff will be immediate.

How do I make sure I don't overeat today?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Nov 25, 2006 - 21:42:13
Well, hopefully, you're still full from Thanksgiving, so it won't be a temptation.  Next time you have this problem, though, fill up on chocolate first thing in the morning, and you won't be as hungry afterward.

____________________________________________ ______

I'm not feeling confrontational right now, so I'm afraid to say or post anything.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sat Nov 25, 2006 - 21:51:40
No one's been posting in the politics section all weekend, it seems.  Maybe you could start a thread on why Schwarzenegger would make such a great president that we need to alter the Constitution so he can run with VP Candidate Newt Gingrich '08.

------------

We've still got too much pumpkin pie left.  What can we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Sun Nov 26, 2006 - 11:54:32
Get a job at the local bar as a go go dancer that way you can party everyday.

The grandkids all want cash for christmas and that leaves me with no gifts to wraps what can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 14:55:17
Take a long nap when you first get there,  and then announce that you really don't want to work today,  and leave.
____________________________________________ _____________

I have too many leftovers from Thanksgiving.   What do I do with them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 18:12:58
fill whatever input devices your computer has with a mixture of pledge, pine-sol and drano.  Then pour in some gasoline and light a match to get rid of leftover soap scum.

____________________________________________ __________

I am trying to get on as a substitute teacher while I'm going to school (they told me at the board today that there's a desperate need), and it will be three or four weeks before I can get certified.  What should I do in the meantime?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 18:15:13
medicinal marijuana.

-------------------------------------

I am definitely smarter than most as I have found three gospels in the NT, instead of the one or two that most mention.  How do I convince everyone of the truth?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 18:17:42
Study the tactics of the gnostics of old and emulate them.  Hide codes in famous paintings, etc. etc.

(btw, I count four gospels.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do I do if there's a drug testing component to the certification?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 18:41:58
Swear you had poppyseed muffins

What do I do with all the leaves in the yard?


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 21:34:49
Soak 'em with gasoline, and light 'em up.  You might want to have some hot dogs ready for roasting.  Oh, and make a donation to your local volunteer fire department first.

There's a field mouse in my house, but I can't find it now.  What's the best way to get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 22:13:34
Let loose a water moccasin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_moccasin).

==================================

I'm really frustrated with the run around I'm getting on the phone, and there are things that MUST be accomplished ASAP for an outreach event this weekend to happen.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 22:22:41
call 911 and tell them you have an emergency


I've been getting weird wrong numbers on my cell phone late at night.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 22:33:36
Tell them to call you back in the morning.

==================

I'd like get more mileage from my suv.  What can I do to stretch my gas dollar?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 22:48:52
You're using gas?  There's your problem.  You can get two liters of Bubba Cola for 50 cents. Now, I'm an American, so I have no idea what that liter thing means, but if I were you, I'd start using that instead of gas.

____________________________________________ ____________

Do you have any tips for me when I start substitute teaching?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Nov 27, 2006 - 23:04:26
What I typed for Marc (but too slow)........Try really, really, really extra super cool hard to be their bb4f (best buds for life).  They'll be like, totally cool with it.  Especially if you use this really phat lingo I learned watchin' the young people's cartoons.  It's fashizzle.

====================

JAIA: Raft, heading south of the Florida coast.  There's a great little island out there somewhere that loves American visitors.

====================

I'm under a spitwad attack!  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Nov 28, 2006 - 08:47:50
Throw everything you can get your hands on at the attackers.  Throw your computer!!!

---------------------------------------------------------

The powers that be have just moved Saturday night's game in Morgantown (3 or so hours from here) to 7:30 PM, and the closest hotel that still has a room is in Washington, PA (the Campbells' old stomping grounds), 40 miles on the other side of Morgantown.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Nov 28, 2006 - 10:17:25
Get roaring drunk after the game, and then find a police officer.  They'll provide you a free place to stay.

Some bright person decided that 12 noon would be a wonderful time for a telephone conference, and my customer (I work for a contracting firm) thinks I need to sit in on it, even though I expect it to be a total waste of time.  Had I known this before I left the house this morning, I could have brought my lunch, but it's Tuesday, which is always Subway day.  How to a wiggle out of this one?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Nov 28, 2006 - 11:20:48
Record an endless loop of yourself saying, "uh-huh.  Good idea."  Then, once the call starts, play the recording and go to lunch.

____________________________________________ ___

Rather than follow the previously given advice, I've booked a hotel in Washington, PA.  How should I commemorate the town's restoration heritage while I'm there?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Nov 28, 2006 - 11:43:00
Originality counts, so instead of filling out their applications, create your own.  In crayon.  Be sure to illustrate the application with stick figures and use creative spelling.

____________________________________________ _____________

The local board office told me they would definitely hire me as a substitute after I complete the training.  My only worry is that the training I'm signing up for includes a trip to a bad-weather part of the state in mid-December, and I can't drive in the snow.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Nov 28, 2006 - 11:53:06
Hire a drunken Cessna pilot. He will scare you so badly you'll never be afraid of driving again.


I am having problems prioritizing everything I have to do to get ready for Christmas. Can you help?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Nov 28, 2006 - 22:13:23
Do something to really tick off everyone in your family, then you won't have to do the whole Christmas thing.  You can always make up after Christmas.  Just think of all the time and money you'll save.

I ran the carpet cleaner over our living room floor this evening, and it looks much better, except for the spot by the window where the dog likes to sit and watch things outside.  How do I get that area clean?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Nov 30, 2006 - 07:41:01
I'm surprised nobody jumped in with the obvious: heavy medication, whether medical marijuana, or the good old standby of ethanol.  Numb yourself well.

Where can I get new tires for my car at a reasonable price?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Nov 30, 2006 - 08:59:46
Go down to the local car dealership at 2 AM with a jack and a lug wrench. 

___________________________________________

I can't get in the mood to put up Christmas lights.  How do I get more Christmas spirit?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Nov 30, 2006 - 10:05:03
Have you forgot my desire to open a Christian liquor store back on page #90? Come to my store, you will soon be in the mood.

+++++++++++++++++++

I can't seem to find the meaning of life. What the use of all this?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Nov 30, 2006 - 10:11:06
I could direct you to a couple of posters who know, but that would be well beyond bad advice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can we better communicate the intended tone in our posts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Nov 30, 2006 - 10:21:35
Use the same rating system that television uses: GV=Graphic Violence, SC=Sexual Content, AL=Adult Language, N=Nudity (I can see where that one would be used a lot.) ST=Stupid Theology.

___________________

I found a severed finger in my Happy Meal. Should I tell anyone? Do I win a prize?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Thu Nov 30, 2006 - 10:36:58
Look at it this way...now you have a finger to do the nasty things you don't want to do with your finger. Like pick your nose, scratch your....places.

-----------------------------------

I have got to get myself to exercise more. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Nov 30, 2006 - 14:43:35
Tie a rope around your neck and attach it to a treadmill. Get on the treadmill and turn it on to a high run. You will have to run, or you'll choke to death.


I have a used artificial tree that was replaced with a newer model. The old one is still good, but I haven't got room for it. How do I best dispose of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jaime on Thu Nov 30, 2006 - 15:07:51
In order to spare the dumpster being over stuffed, I would recommend cutting it up into very small pieces and flushing it down the toilet.

----------------------------------


I have a hopelessly stopped up sewer line, what do you recommend?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Fri Dec 01, 2006 - 04:20:46
Go in with pick axes!

I'm not reading the 22 unread pages. So I skipped them. Now what do I do[?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Sun Dec 03, 2006 - 00:42:03
Self-flagelation. You are such a heretic for not reading all 22 pages.


I have entirely too much stuff. But practically everything has sentimental value, so I can't bear to part with it. How can I make a little more room in my house and keep the stuff I really love?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Sun Dec 03, 2006 - 07:00:21
3 words: Chain saw, cardboard, Duck Tape (I guess that was 5 words. Before your start protesting, Duck Tape is a brand name.)


================


I'm always right and everybody else is always wrong. Why am I not more popular?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: kanham on Mon Dec 04, 2006 - 14:23:54
Realize that you already are and if they don't like it that is their problem. Slap them if they don't get this.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a foot of snow in our driveway but I don't want to shovel it, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Mon Dec 04, 2006 - 15:47:15
Lay down in it and make snow angels.  I love snow angels.  I wish I could make a snow angel.


I'm a little ADD what shoud I do?   (don't you dare--I see you--don't you highlight little)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 08:17:33
Take an entire bottle of Prozac. Then you won't care if you're ADD or not.


My skin is horrendously dry and itchy. I need relief!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 08:24:15
Try a lemon juice and saltwater bath. You'll thank me.

__________________

I got a great Christmas bonus, but do not want to spend it on family or friends. How can I hide it from them?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 09:28:23

Spend it all on yourself and tell your wife that your mistress gave it to you.


I'm suspicious that my husband got a Christmas bonus and is hiding it.  What should I do?



Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 11:20:20
Take his credit card and spend the equivalent amount of the suspected bonus on extravagent things for yourself.

____________________________________________ ____

My skin is also drying out to a ridiculous degree, but I suspect that Chrestian's advice for Mandalee was not offered in a helpful spirit.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 12:20:42
Go ahead and try it any way.  Who knows, it might work.

I have a customer whose Oracle system can't successfully send e-mail.  It works fine for me, and I didn't change anything, but he did.  He's getting very annoyed, and assuming it's my fault.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 13:23:26
Tell him he's too stupid to have a computer.


I don't know whether to buy a live or fake Christmas tree.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 13:44:32
Get one of each. Better yet, fill your home with both kinds of trees and create a massive fire hazard.


I need to drink more water, but sometimes it's hard to force it down. Any tips?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 13:49:18
20 gallon p/minute baptistry pump and a flexible 1/2 inch line. (They break down half the time anyway.)

____________________

Some people here doubt the effectiveness of my suggestions. Should I Have their kneecaps broken or do something else?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 13:58:13
Do something else.  Send them money.  I'll pm you an address.

_____________________________________--

I need money to pay for grad school.  How can I extort it from people on this board?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 14:31:58
You are sadly mistaken if you think you can extort anything from preachers. Go where the real power and wealth is in the churches: Worship leaders!

______________________________

Does this look infected to you?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 23:19:50
Yes, and the best thing to do for it is to rub spoiled raw chicken on the affected area.

How do I make my computer run faster?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Wed Dec 06, 2006 - 04:07:33
Scare it. Then watch it: it runs....

I have two hours...and all I have is GCM and a few other forums. I think problem solved itself but what do I do[?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Dec 09, 2006 - 22:31:20
Sign up on as many different forums as you can, and copy and paste questions from one to another (I think some people already must be doing this).

I still haven't bought my wife's Christmas present.  I realize it isn't Christmas Eve yet, so I have lots of time, but, does anyone have a good idea for a present?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Sun Dec 10, 2006 - 11:22:45
Yes get her a new maids outfit and a broom and dust feather she will love it.

I hate having to work to make a living is there any other way?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Dec 11, 2006 - 14:10:51
Yes.  Buy your wife the gift you suggested.  Then, you will draw your income from disability instead of working.

I need new tires for my car.  Any money saving suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Tue Dec 12, 2006 - 12:43:21
Go to a salvage lot,   and buy "used"  that look like new for $ 1.00 a piece.
That should save you some money.



My boss doesn't read or have a hobby, what should I get him for Christmas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Dec 12, 2006 - 12:52:23
Go to a salvage lot,   and buy "used"  that look like new for $ 1.00 a piece.
That should save you some money.





They usually cost about 5-20 dollars around here.  I do it when I can (the car I have now has an unusual size and I usually can't).  Seriously.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Dec 12, 2006 - 12:54:16
As to what to give your boss for Christmas, I would purchase him the complete Dilbert.  He won't have to read much.  What you should do to personalize this, though, is to go through the books and write his name on the Pointy Haired Boss whenever you see him.

____________________________________________ _____-

I'm getting old and developing arthritis.  How can I stop this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Tue Dec 12, 2006 - 12:57:38
formaldehyde maintains the tissue in the current state.  You would stop gettin older, interrupt the developing arthritis and would arrest any further deterioration. 


How does one determine all truth?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Tue Dec 12, 2006 - 13:04:32
Ask mdd344, he'll tell you the truth.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a small cut on my right thumb.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Tue Dec 12, 2006 - 13:05:21
MSOP, 'nuff said.

++++++++++++++++


How can I get rid of "ring around the clerical collar?"

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Tue Dec 12, 2006 - 13:05:57
Sorry, please disregard..

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Dec 14, 2006 - 08:53:21
I accidentally derailed this thread. Let's back up 3 posts and start over.
formaldehyde maintains the tissue in the current state.  You would stop gettin older, interrupt the developing arthritis and would arrest any further deterioration. 


How does one determine all truth?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Thu Dec 14, 2006 - 09:02:31
Ask mdd344, he'll tell you the truth.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a small cut on my right thumb.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 17:24:05
cut your left thumb to match it.  Stereo pain is balanced, avoiding the extremes to the left or the right.



We have a missing copperhead that escaped a couple of months ago in the building and we haven't found it yet.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 17:29:47
Let all of your poisonous snakes loose in the same building.  The copperhead will come to meet them.

_________________

A large part of the online substitute teacher training I am doing consists of nothing but reading state policy and being asked to comment on it.  I've been thinking about quoting A.E. Housman:  "Terence, this is stupid stuff!"  Should I do this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 17:38:41
Yes.  A career change can be exciting.


I have lost (actually the mrs. has but don't let her know I am sharing this) that we got for christmas two years ago.  How does one find a missing camera?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 18:49:49
Just keep taking pictures, and sooner or later, the lost camera will turn up in one of the pictures.

_________________________________

I hate WalMart with their hard concrete floors that make my feet hurt for days, but I keep finding myself shopping there.  How do I stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James A. Wyly on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 18:55:03


How can I get rid of "ring around the clerical collar?"

C.
Buy some holy water from your local Catholic Priest and soak your collar in it.

How do I make everyone see that my views are the correct, considered ones?

Jim
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James A. Wyly on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 19:04:17

We have a missing copperhead that escaped a couple of months ago in the building and we haven't found it yet.  What should I do?

Make Acts  28:5  your mantra. (below my name)

Jim W.

Acts 28:5
But Paul shook the snake off into the fire and suffered no ill effects.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 19:07:28
Quote
How do I make everyone see that my views are the correct, considered ones?

USE ALL CAPS, LARGE FONTS, AND MANY, MANY COLORS, AND BY ALL MEANS, PUT THIS AT THE END OF EVERY POST.   ::nana::


I KEEP WAKING UP WITH ALLERGY PROBLEMS THIS TIME OF YEAR.  WHAT CAN I DO?
::nana::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James A. Wyly on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 19:19:20
Quote
I KEEP WAKING UP WITH ALLERGY PROBLEMS THIS TIME OF YEAR.  WHAT CAN I DO?
::nana::

Try taking hundreds of aspirin, or turning on an unlit oven before retiring,  or bedding down on a freeway.  Asthma as a problem will disappear.

Assuming that caps, size and colors  lend credibility only to one's political views, how does one convince the world that one's religious views are the correct take everyone should have?

Jim
 ::nana::  You're right.  It helps.  ::nana::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 20:10:08
Just repeat the same argument over and over again and consider yourself a martyr and a missionary to the ignorant pagans.

___________________________________________--

Sometimes when I ask for advice, people ignore me.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 21:51:49
Did you ask something marc?

I have a job interivew tomorrow and don't know how much money to say I have to have.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 21:57:05
Aim high.  Tell them you won't settle for less than six figures, and would prefer seven. Then, when they gasp, say minimum wage would be fine.

____________________________________________ _____________

I've been having bad dreams again.  How do I stop them (and still sleep)?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Fri Dec 15, 2006 - 22:47:33
Wear garlic around your neck and take lots of sleeping pills


What should I send my son who's in Japan for Christmas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James A. Wyly on Sat Dec 16, 2006 - 08:22:06
What should I send my son who's in Japan for Christmas?

A chreche...........and explain gently to him that the traditional Christmas pilgrimage is made to Bethlehem, not Japan.

What can I do with a wife whose interest in the kitchen is fading as she gets older?

Jim
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Sat Dec 16, 2006 - 17:35:18
What should I send my son who's in Japan for Christmas?

A chreche...........and explain gently to him that the traditional Christmas pilgrimage is made to Bethlehem, not Japan.

What can I do with a wife whose interest in the kitchen is fading as she gets older?

Jim


Tell her your mom never quit cooking delicious scrumptious 6 course meals for your dad and why can't she be more like her sister.



How do I provide shelter for a man who has just now been kicked out of his home for making comparisons to his mom and his wife's sister?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Dec 16, 2006 - 20:23:26
Tell him to go sleep in a chreche.  It'll give him the seasonal spirit.

____________________________________________ ________

I'm still slogging through a substitute teacher "training" that consists of being given a link to state law and told to read it and cut and paste answers to questions.  How can I let the instructors know that by presenting this lesson, they are not modelling good teacher behavior?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Mon Dec 18, 2006 - 05:14:44
Do a really bad job yourself and they'll get the picture.

I seem to keep waking up too early and can't go back to sleep.  What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Dec 21, 2006 - 09:35:53
Move to the time zone that matches your wake-up time.

-----------------------------

I'm only responding to this post because my post count is sitting at 666. I've rubbed my lucky rabbit's foot , picked a 4-leaf clover and knocked on wood to keep from going to hell because of my post count. Any other good luck suggestions?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Thu Dec 21, 2006 - 09:39:42
No, you're going to hell!


I need to finish myChristmas shopping but I don't want to leave my house and it's too late to shop on line in time for Sat.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Dec 21, 2006 - 09:49:10
Well, since my fate has already been determined, (Let me tell you how liberating that is! I've got a whole list of things I've always wanted to do but that heaven/hell thing got in the way. Not anymore!) why don't I e-mail you some instructions on how to use the powers of darkness to get whatever you want to get for Christmas. They even deliver nextday with UPS.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Can I buy an asbestos suit for the afterlife?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Thu Dec 21, 2006 - 10:02:23
You might want to check those power of darkness instructions for the suit.  I'm sure they have lots of interesting tips!

I can't decide if I should stay with my daughter and granddaughter for a whole week without my car or come back with myhusband on Christmas day.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 00:19:26
You should do none... Just sit at home and watch TV


I can't find my keys!!!!!!!!!!! HELP
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 12:30:17
According to your profile, you're 13 years old, which means they weren't car keys, but house or locker keys or some such thing.  It follows logically, then, that you have not lost your car keys, so I would advise you simply to get in a car and drive.

____________________________________________ _

I threw my back out a couple of weeks ago moving furniture to make room for Christmas decorations, and I further aggrevated it last night Christmas shopping.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 12:34:42
Sue the store where you shopped for negligence.  Ask for $20 million.  Then retire.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

My wife wants me to buy her a gift card for Christmas.  Should I give her what she wants?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 12:57:13
Sure.  Buy her a Christmas card with a picture of a gift on it.  She'll appreciate it.

____________________________________________ ___

I have to go to the State Police and be fingerprinted before I can begin substitute teaching. Should I worry about invasion of privacy?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 13:11:20
No, you should worry about the computerized fingerprint bank that goes back to the time you were in the third grade and you .....

____________________________________________ ___________________

Should I quit posting and go back to work or should I wait until I get caught?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 13:44:57
If your boss walks by, tell him go get some lunch, it's on me...



I can't find my bible!....should i look for it or forget about it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 14:48:04
Don't worry.  There are plenty of people around who can tell you just what it says, and you can trust every one of them.

___________________________________________

It's raining and the water is rising.  Help! Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 15:37:19
Take advantage of the natural baptistries popping up all over the place.  Make sure they agree about IM and indwelling of the Holy Spirit or the baptisms won't be any good.

____________________________________________ ___________


I can't think of any New Year's Resolutions.   Got any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 17:21:17
REsolve to have more posts per day than Mike D and Brian combined, and to pass James Rondon and me (or whoever might be on top now) for the number one overall position.

____________________________________________ ___________-

It got dark really early today, and that scared me.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 20:03:21
Cry like a little girl


I've already wrapped my granddaughters gift but now I want to play with it.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 20:18:48
Put your name on it instead of hers.  Wrap up some canned corn or green beans for her, instead.  You can stack them up and make things.

____________________________________________ ________

The weather machine is missing.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 20:25:33
Spit on your finger and hold it up in the air so you can tell which way the wind is blowing.


I'm too excited to finish up what all I need to do and I need to do a lot before we leave at 9 in the AM.  What should I do? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 23:38:03
Go ahead and leave now.  Then you won't have to worry about it.

_________________________________________

My Reds think trading for a 41-year-old to platoon at first base is a good idea. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Sat Dec 23, 2006 - 11:53:10
Go ahead and leave now.  Then you won't have to worry about it.

_________________________________________

My Reds think trading for a 41-year-old to platoon at first base is a good idea. What should I do?

I didn't even know you were a communist. Trade your 1st bass for 2 cellists and a flautist to be named later.

++++++++++++++++

I can't seem to make mistergus laugh. What would he think was funny?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Sat Dec 23, 2006 - 13:20:22
missusgus calling the kettle black


____________________________________________ ___________


We have way to many pea fowl running around the zoo.  what should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Sat Dec 23, 2006 - 18:39:43
missusgus calling the kettle black


____________________________________________ ___________


We have way to many pea fowl running around the zoo.  what should we do?

Mmmmmm. Peafowl pot pie.

____________________________________________ _

At 51 years of age, I've got all my hair, but I'm losing my capillaries. What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Dec 24, 2006 - 00:26:28
Keep them in a safety deposit box.

____________________________________________ ________

I went to sleep early tonight, woke up at 12:30 and am now wide awake.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Tue Dec 26, 2006 - 12:51:12
Eat tons of trurkey they say it is like a sleeping pill

It is time to make goals for the new year and I don't know where to begin any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Dec 27, 2006 - 08:22:29
Eat tons of trurkey they say it is like a sleeping pill

It is time to make goals for the new year and I don't know where to begin any advice?


Try a local soccer field.

__________________


I'm having a problem with measurements in quantum mechanics. To put it simply, the dynamics and the postulate of collapse are flatly in contradiction with one another. The postulate of collapse seems to be right about what happens when we make measurements, and the dynamics seems to be bizarrely wrong about what happens when we make measurements, and yet the dynamics seems to be right about what happens whenever we aren't making measurements.

Any help would be appreciated, and please don't bring up Neils Bohr and his "Copenhagen Interpretation."

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: BrianInChrist on Wed Dec 27, 2006 - 08:41:02
Try reading J. J. Sakurai's textbook "Modern Quantum Mechanics".  The book is a pleasure to read and will explain it all very clearly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sakurai's textbook "Modern Quantum Mechanics" has permanently damaged me psychologically.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Dec 27, 2006 - 08:56:49
Start reading anything by Piney. His convoluted writing makes quantum mechanics sound simple.

________________________

My dishwasher has left spots on my good crystal goblets. Now I am the laughingstock of my cul-de-sac. What can I do to regain my former position of prominence and snootiness?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Dec 27, 2006 - 09:20:13
Start a neighborhood book club and insist that the first selection be the one Brian recommended above.

____________________________________________ _______

I prefer reading T.S. Eliot to books on quantum mechanics.  Is this a bad thing?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Dec 28, 2006 - 12:58:57
Sorry I tried to think of an answer but I know nothing about either so you are on your own.

I have a lot of Stuff to do but do not wnat to do how should I find a way out of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Dec 28, 2006 - 15:39:19
Tell everyone that you can't do it, because you are now devoting all your time to a study of T.S. Eliot's theory of Quantum Mechanics.  If they say that he never said anything about the subject, just say, "You don't think the line 'This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper' has anything to do with quantum mechanics?"  This will shut them up.

________________________________

I like prattling on and on about things I know very little about.  What should I do? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Thu Dec 28, 2006 - 23:20:53
Just go right on doing it there is nothing wrong with talking to self as long as you do not start answering self.

I want to start some new topics in theology because I am bored with the ones there but don't have a clue as to what would be a good one any help?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Dec 28, 2006 - 23:42:38
Instrumental Music always brings about a fresh, balanced discussion.

____________________________________________ ___

People are starting to avoid me. I think they're plotting to have me locked away.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Fri Dec 29, 2006 - 00:04:57
Change your appearance dress up like a women and go amongst the crowd and see just what they are saying then you will know what your next plot should be.

What should I do with this dried out fruit cake I received this Christmas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 29, 2006 - 09:26:00
Mail it to one of the people over in General Discussion who says that re-gifting is okay.

____________________________________

My neck spurs are really bothering me today.  I know that sitting in front of the computer aggrevates them.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Dec 29, 2006 - 17:31:22
Duh!  Isn't it obvious?  Sit behind the computer.

I've been gone for almost two weeks, and, now that I'm back, I don't see any posts asking "where is twd?"  How do I make everyone pay, and pay dearly, for forgetting about me?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Dec 29, 2006 - 21:15:22
(fwiw, I assumed you'd gone home for the holidays or to Nome for the hollandaise or some such thing.)

Check MDD & Brian's post per day numbers and keep posting until you catch up with both of them combined.  No one will ever forget you again.

____________________________________________ ________

I have one of those African webcams up in another window, and the birds are making so much noise it's giving me a headache.  What should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Dec 29, 2006 - 23:52:01
Drink a really cold Blueberry Icee. The brainfreeze will make you forget the birds.




I left my viagara at home before I left on a three week cruise with my wife! Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Dec 30, 2006 - 11:43:04
There are on-line suppliers who will happily sell you herbal products for that need.

We're going to have a full house in a couple of weeks; how will we find enough room for everyone to sleep?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Jan 02, 2007 - 16:14:37
Move out and let the relatives have a free run of the place. Other people are usually very careful with how they handle your personal items. They should be able to intelligently sort out the sleeping themselves.



I keep finding sawdust in my coat pockets after I leave Home Depot. How can I avoid this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jan 02, 2007 - 16:28:18
Take your coat off before you leave the store and leave it there.

____________________________________________ ______________

Every time I do something to get started substitute teaching, I'm told there's one more thing I need to do.  Is this a conspiricy?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jan 02, 2007 - 19:59:50
Yes.  But you weren't supposed to know that.  Now, Homeland Security will have to provide you some additional training at Guantanamo.

We have too much stuff, leading to clutter in the house.  How should I deal with it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Wed Jan 03, 2007 - 09:41:55
Buy a bigger house to hold all your worldly treasures.

My truck has a flat and no spare how do I get it fixed with no way to get to the tire shop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jan 03, 2007 - 09:45:08
Why do you have no way to get to the tire shop?  Your truck still has rims, doesn't it?

And besides, a truck isn't a necessity.  Neither is a point of view.

____________________________________________ ________________

I continually misspell "conspiracy". Should I take that as further proof that there is one and I am its target?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Jan 03, 2007 - 10:08:24
Stay where you are. We will get someone to you to explain it all. Don't worry, they will help you understand everything.


I believe the Trilateral Commission, the Bilderbergers and the Illuminati are just fronts for Foxnews, who is keeping the truth about JFK and Area 51 hidden from us with a smokescreen about Big Oil starting a war in the Middle East so that Osama can take over the world's food supply and steal our luggage.

Am I normal?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jan 03, 2007 - 20:16:01
Yes.  At least, you're as normal as any of the newscasters on Fox News.

My dog broke off a couple of teeth while at the kennel.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jan 03, 2007 - 20:41:52
Break off a couple of your own so he won't feel self-conscious.
____________________________________________ ___________

I need money, and it's taking a while to get it.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jan 03, 2007 - 21:14:45
Do you have a color printer?  Enough said.

The 25 year old heating system at church is on its last legs.  What's a cost-effective way to replace it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Jan 04, 2007 - 08:46:42
Yes.  At least, you're as normal as any of the newscasters on Fox News.
Thank you for the compliment. You literally made my day better.

As to the heating problem: Where do you get off thinking the Bible authorizes a heating system. Hello, Don't you know anything about CENI? Ecclesiastes 4:11 clearly states, "Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm." The answer is to have the congregation lie down in pairs during your worship services.

++++++++++++++++++++

We have been having a problem in our worship services. We practice CENI in everything and it seems this caused many of our members to get too "friendly" with each other during our services. Now we are experiencing an epidemic of out-of-wedlock births in our youth group. How can we put a positive spin on this?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jan 04, 2007 - 09:33:21
You're asking this right after the Christmas season?  The answer should be obvious.

____________________________________________ ________

I'm hearing whispers of "sacrilege" and "blasphemy" behind my back.  What does this mean?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Jan 04, 2007 - 09:37:25
Lee's enabled a new audio feature on the forum--text to speech posting. rofl  You might want to just turn down your speakers.

----------------------------------------

My sciatic nerve has been acting up the past few days.  Any ideas for relief?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Jan 04, 2007 - 19:25:36
Simple.  Nervectomy.  No nerve, no pain.

Why won't my daughter's macbook talk to the wireless router, when every other computer will?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Jan 07, 2007 - 07:42:42
It is speaking in tongues.  Get an interpreter.

My car keeps running out of gas.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jan 07, 2007 - 12:33:34
Buy another car with a larger gas tank, then tow it behind you.

____________________________________________ _________

We're having another "planning session" at church tonight, and I always say things that get me in trouble.  Should I try to avoid this or not?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jan 08, 2007 - 00:53:01
By all means go! And make sure you correct everyone else's far inferior plan to your own with as many expletives and dirty looks that you can! Just make sure you do it in the spirit of love and unity! That way they will never try to make another move without first seeking your wise and loving counsel!





I keep feeding my neighbors cats poison by accident. I don't mean to, it's just I keep mistaking their kittens for rats. How can I avoid this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jan 08, 2007 - 22:26:59
Start shooting them instead of poisoning them.  They're easier to identify if they're not moving.

____________________________________________ _____________

I will need to make a research proposal as part of my Education Research & Writing class.  Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Tue Jan 09, 2007 - 00:32:08
Propose a study on how shooting the neighbors' cats affects property values.



I have a cold and it's hard to breathe when I lie down.  How should I sleep?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jan 09, 2007 - 16:38:39
Take a whole box of Tylenol cold medicine.  I took two last night, and was out within an hour.  Just imagine what a whole box would do!

____________________________________________ ____________

I'm driving the school board crazy about getting on as a substitute teacher.  They have everything they need from me, but haven't called me back yet.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Tue Jan 09, 2007 - 16:41:07
I recommend just going over the high school and start teaching whatever class you want.  They'll see what a go-getter you are.  I'm sure they'll be impressed, and the teacher of the class will appreciate the time off.

----------------------

I'm on my second day of Tylenol Allergy/Sinus and ald;f awe9iag' a sdfoai34nb nsdk;23i g09ty an2w3tasdgf...::sleeping::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Jan 09, 2007 - 16:44:58
Take some benadryl along with it the next time.

______________________________________

I need bail money. Anyone?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Tue Jan 09, 2007 - 22:54:15
Ask for donations at the nearest bank.  Bringing along a gun will encourage generosity.



I took that cold medicine box and it helped a lot.  What should I do with the pills that were in it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jan 10, 2007 - 09:38:06
Some would tell you to just leave them there until next year, but that's the easy way out.  What you want to do is to add lights every week. That way, you can tell people you're getting ready for next Christmas without them thinking you're just being lazy.

____________________________________________ ____________

The right side of my body is cold and the left side is warm.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jan 10, 2007 - 17:11:21
turn over.

My 19-year-old daughter is hogging the fast computer.  How do I get her to respect me so I can play the cool games?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Jan 10, 2007 - 19:34:53
Try talking street slang in front of her friends. She will love you and you will be the most popular parent on the planet!

+++++++++++++++++

My youngest threatened to kill me if I ever say "Bling" or "shizzle" in front of his friends again. What should I do?

C
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jan 10, 2007 - 20:09:07
Your problem is that you're not going far enough.  Pick up the pace of the fo shizzle dizzles.  Do the hand motions.  And most importantly, dress the part.  Here are some pictures of new, cutting edge rappers to help you:

(http://data.muzikus.cz/save/db_images/23222)

(http://blogosfere.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/snoopdogg.jpg)

(http://online.tvguide.com/images/pgimg/law-svu-ice-t18.jpg)

(http://www.danacountryman.com/csm/back/Number19/WeirdAlSuitcase.jpg)

(http://www2.ihype.cz/img/vanilla%20ice.jpg)

____________________________________________ ____________

I'm afraid the kids in my teen class are going to hear things this summer at camp that contradict what I've been teaching them, challenge the teacher, and cause him to come after me.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Thu Jan 11, 2007 - 12:12:47
Send them to that No-pants Baptist camp instead.



I was going to ask what "shizzle" is, but I'm not sure I want to know.  Do I?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jan 11, 2007 - 12:18:56
I don't know, because I don't know what it means either.  You should go find the urban dictionary online and incorporate all the terms found there into your conversation and your posts.

____________________________________________ ________

People are starting to look at me funny because of this suitcase I'm wearing on my head.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Jan 11, 2007 - 18:27:42
FYI... shizzle is usually translated "sure" and "nizzle" is usually translated the "n" word.

Take the suitcase off your head and use it for shoes! Duh! Everybody knows that!




My sons want to eat only potato chips and ketch-up! What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Jan 11, 2007 - 18:41:52
Replace the ketchup in the bottles with five-alarm hot sauce. Hide all liquids.

____________________________________________ __________

I'm lying in the floor with broken bones because I tripped over the suitcases I was wearing as shoes.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Jan 12, 2007 - 00:44:27
Chant, "I've fallen and can't get up." five times and the help fairy will come to your rescue!



I can't get my wife to call me most exalted emperor of love , peace, and harmony when she enters my presence. Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Jan 12, 2007 - 21:30:27
Get down on your knees and beg and plead until she does.  Pay her if you must.

What's the best way to keep church committee meetings from going too long?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jan 12, 2007 - 21:56:26
Introduce a worship innovation.

(http://www.unexplainedstuff.com/images/geuu_01_img0158.jpg)

I have an eight-hour class tomorrow with only a 20 minute lunch break.  How do I stay sane?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Fri Jan 12, 2007 - 22:04:23
I suggest that there worship innovation.


I have to disconnect the computer while I repaint the room.  How do I stay sane?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jan 12, 2007 - 22:06:28
Do the same thing you normally do in a boring worship service, with no breaks.  Its only  longer!

------------------------------

How do I cure hemorrhoids?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Fri Jan 12, 2007 - 22:07:51
Got a pocket knife?



I'm really tired of my allergies being haywire.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Jan 12, 2007 - 22:09:09
Got a pocket knife?



I'm really tired of my allergies being haywire.  What can I do?

You may be allergic to democrats.  You may have to move away from NY.

-------------------------------

What if I said the hemorrhoid in question was my wife?  How do I get her to stop being one?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jan 13, 2007 - 18:31:57
Take her on Springer, of course.

_________________________________________

I ate Chinese take-out for lunch today, and my stomach's upset.  I have some left over; should I eat it for supper?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jan 13, 2007 - 19:40:20
Or course.  The reason you have an upset stomach is because you didn't eat it all, so you didn't get a sufficient dose of MSG.

How do I teach my dog to get along nicely with my son's and daughter-in-law's cats?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jan 13, 2007 - 20:18:52
(and I did eat the rest of it.)

Dress the cats up as something the dog likes, like filet mignon.  To do this, just wrap them in bacon.

____________________________________________ ___________

I took in so much information during my 8 hour class today (actually 7 1/2; we got out early) that my brain's about to explode.  How do I keep this from happening?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Sat Jan 13, 2007 - 21:25:50
Read 5 years worth of the Gospel Advocate. Your brain will automatically empty itself.

______________

I can't stop making inappropriate Saddam jokes, stuff like, "Hey Saddam, How's it hangin'?" How can I stop?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jan 14, 2007 - 12:52:38
Add Contending For The Faith to your Gospel Advocate Reading.  Then you will learn who the True Enemy is.

____________________________________________ _

I need to do three loads of laundry, read two chapters in two texts and prepare a lesson (not to mention watch football) before church tonight.  What I really want to do is take a nap. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jan 14, 2007 - 16:20:43
Don't worry about the nap, you can get that during church.

What's the best way to treat cat scratches acquired while trying to wrap cats in bacon?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sun Jan 14, 2007 - 22:24:59
Pull down your pants and sit on a cactus.  It's kind of like acupuncture.


My feet are cold.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Sun Jan 14, 2007 - 22:26:37
Take a walk on hot coals.


----------------


I want to obtain a masters degree but am short on time.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Jan 14, 2007 - 22:28:28
Wait until I finish mine, and I'll sell it to you.

____________________________________________ _______

I am losing patience.  How do I fix this problem?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 09:29:07
Hold on, I'll get back to you on that, eventually.

+++++++++++++++++

My daughter said she is going to start "Going commando." Does that mean she's joining the army? What should I do?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 15:09:41
No, it's a political group.  Tell her you want to join, too.

What's the best thing to do with old carpeting?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 15:54:53
Put it in a food processor, it makes great stuffing for turkeys!



By the way, what's the best way to get Chrestian's daughters phone number?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 15:57:52
Contact Dateline NBC.  My understanding is that they like to help out with these things.

____________________________________________ ______________

My brain is fuzzy.  How do I begin to think more clearly?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 15:58:46
Trois: IM me with your address and the times you will be at home. BTW, I have no qualms about going back to prison.

marc: Drink alcohol. Lots of it.

++++++++++++++++++++

Where's a good place to hide bodies?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 16:00:56
In a cemetary.  It's kind of a "Purloined Letter" thing.

____________________________________________ __________

What should I eat for supper?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 16:33:58
The cemetery has lots of opportunities for supper and great company. Drop by anytime.




I'm pretty scared that Chrestian will find out where I live! What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 19:02:03
Post your address here.  That way, the rest of us can protect you.

____________________________________________ __________

Should I study or watch 24?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 19:06:42
Watch 24 and tell me if Bashir joins the Jack Bauer led Section 31.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Should I watch Antiques Roadshow with my wife or twiddle my thumbs?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 19:14:32
Neither, instead start bringing out a bunch of junk from the garage and act real excited about how much everything must be worth.  Say "Yippee! Look what I just found!  It's gotta be worth a fortune!" a lot.

----------------

I've never seen 24, the crack-like addiction worries me.  I think 1/2 our congregation may be addicted.  Should I do something to warn them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 20:01:27
Before warning them, buy all the previous seasons' DVDs and watch them from beginning to end, nonstop.  You must know what you're fighting.

____________________________________________ ___

Instead of studying, I decided to slean out my clothes drawers while watching 24.  My bed is now covered with clothes, and I don't feel like finishing the job before bedtime.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 21:32:17
Dump 'em on the floor, preferably between the bed and the bathroom.


I'm getting sleepy, but I haven't finished everything I want to do online.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 21:35:37
Take some pills to keep you awake all night and drink a pot of coffee.  Stay up and finish nt only what you're doing on the computer, but everything.  Like the old commercial said, stay up until you've surfed the whole internet.

____________________________________________ ___

I am compelled to ask advice not for myself, but for Gary.  The word "henpecked" comes to mind.  His wife is forcing him to watch Antique Roadshow rather than 24.  He likely was also only one of three straight males to watch the Grease tryout program last night.  How does he overcome this problem?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 21:47:45
[Grease tryout?  Was that an automotive thing?]

Gary needs to stand up, and tell his wife that he's a man, and that he's going to pursue manly things.  If it's OK with her.

How should I fix a squeaking door?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Jan 15, 2007 - 22:25:37
Hire an exorcist.  A squeeking door is a sure sign your house is haunted.

____________________________________________ ___

The only cold medicine that works knowcks me out and makes it hard to type (typeos here are not intentiona, and I have corrected several).  What dhouls I do?

(seriously, they'r not intentional.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Jan 16, 2007 - 12:03:13
Try a laxative. It should flush out all the bade and leave only the medicine you need.




I need a new job. How can I find one?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Jan 16, 2007 - 17:59:46
Go downtown around 10 pm tonight, and stand on a street corner, announcing loudly that you want a job.

The squeaking door is on my car, not my house.   Where can I find a car exorcist?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Tue Jan 16, 2007 - 21:49:30
Go stand on that corner next to Trois.  One will come to you.



How can I get rid of this lingering cough?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 08:09:09
Drink some whiskey.

------------------------------------

How do I properly dispose of my wife, so I can go find Chrestian's daughter?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 08:16:53
You must first ask for and receive a papal dispensation from mdd allowing divorce or, as the case may be, homicide.

Then make out your will.

Quickly

+++++++++++++++++

Why do I think of King David and Uriah when Gary's name is mentioned?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 09:14:36
I don't know, but you can easily stop thinking of King David and Uriah when Gary's name is mentioned if you stop calling him at 3:00 in the morning, visiting his job on your off hours, and following him from two cars back!




My job is moving to Russia. How do I convince my family that this is a great career move and that they'll love it there?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 09:28:53
Have them watch Hunt for Red October and The Saint.
(but seriously, I liked it there, but that was 10 years ago and from what I read, it's a different Russia from then...not surprising, in the mid-90s life there changed on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis)

---------

It's 4 degrees (down from 8 at 6am).  How can I cut down on my heating bill?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 09:32:35
For Trois:

Скажите им Россия будет землей возможности! Улицы вымощанные с золотом, каждая семья имеют иметь корову, едят борщ 3 раз день, поэтому близкие up to 4 поколения в реальном маштабе времени в такой же доме. Россия будет большой страной на земле. Электричество и indoor трубопровод overrated. И кроме того, ваш только другой выбор должен двинуть к Zapadno1 Вирджинии.


For James:

Leave the heat off completely.  You can take it, after living in Russia!  You should be tough enough.

____________________________________________ _______

I find that Babelfish doesn't translate every word.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 09:41:18
I think I only ate borcht a couple times....the national dish of Russia is actually pelmeni (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pelmeni).  Believe it or not, the building we lived in had such good heat that even with -20 days we sometimes had to crack a window (because there's one thermostat per building, out of the residents' control).
-------------------------


Make up words that sound like Russian.  Think Borat.


I turned of the heat, but now my daughter is stuck to the toilet.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 09:59:13
Stuff the bowl with lots of toilet tissue and then continuously flush. The resulting water pressure will gently lift her from the seat.



I'm tired of the old ladies at the church always wearing big hats. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 10:04:43
Buy them all beanies with propellers and insist they wear them.

____________________________________________ ___________

There's ice on my window and the sun is shining through the ice and blinding me.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 10:08:03
Move to the Serengeti. You'll never have that problem again.





How can I get more fiber in my diet?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 12:54:04
Find a wood house,  and eat away!!!   Use the splinters to pick your teeth.



How can I get my computer tech to quit reading my e-mails?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 15:23:47
Stop sending them to him. rofl




How do I stop arguing with people about money?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 21:22:43
Why is that an either/or question?  Do both.  That's what credit is for.

What should I do with a stack of old maps?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Jan 17, 2007 - 21:55:14
Wallpaper!

____________________________________________ __

Either My computer or this site is moving very slow this evening.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Jan 18, 2007 - 17:17:08
Douse your computer in coffee... The one you have is obviously in sleep mode.




I saw a horrible movie yesterday called "Primeval" but the theater manager won't refund my money. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jan 19, 2007 - 21:36:07
Reinact the movie in his theater if he doesn't refund your money.

____________________________________________ ________

I need to write a short paper. I have all the material organized and can finish it in a half hour or so, but I keep putting it off.  What can I do to get going?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Jan 20, 2007 - 15:44:56
Too late for bad advice.  I wrote the paper and submitted it this morning.


Okay, then....I have a fear of driving in snow, and I know that, sometime this winter, we are likely to get some (maybe March or April the way things are going).  How do I overcome this fear?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Jan 20, 2007 - 17:33:31
Get a motorcycle.  Two wheels won't slide as much as four.


It hurst when I does this.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jan 20, 2007 - 22:01:26
Keep doing it until you are numb to the pain.

I want a new computer, but it isn't in the budget.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jan 22, 2007 - 08:57:48
Budget Schmudget! Go see Fast Lenny on the corner and tell him you're good for about ten grand! Just make sure you pay him back real quick. You don't want him breaking your fingers. That would kinda ruin the whole reason you're getting a new computer.



My car needs to be retrofitted for an ipod. Where's the best place to get it done?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Wed Jan 24, 2007 - 03:33:00
CarToys (That's actually really good advice)

Is it OK to give good advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Jan 25, 2007 - 16:18:31
Great advice!



Sure just keep giving advice until everyone says, "You're the Man!" Then keep giving it until they can't stand it. That always helps!



I've got cats fighting on my porch every night. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Jan 25, 2007 - 16:20:15
Advertise and charge admission! 
------------------------

How do I stop posting about baptism?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Chrestian on Thu Jan 25, 2007 - 17:21:44
Never stop posting about baptism!
Don't you know that the one who posts the most correct statements about baptism earns a better salvation?
We're talking about your eternal soul here!

+++++++++++++++++++

How can I stop reading posts about baptism?

C.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Thu Jan 25, 2007 - 17:48:27
Gouge your eyes out--it'll be less painful ::smile::

Where is the best place to get a new computer desk?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Thu Jan 25, 2007 - 22:06:26
Immerse yourself completely in the politics and theology boards.  Reply to every post.  Pain is a good teacher.


I'm not getting enough sleep at night, but I hate going to bed before 11.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sun Jan 28, 2007 - 02:42:59
Who needs sleep? Just stay up for like five days straight and you will be a much wiser person.




I'm tired of my children snoring. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Jan 28, 2007 - 19:57:47
Keep them awake, then they won't snore.

What's the best way to prepare a lasagna?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Sun Jan 28, 2007 - 20:21:16
Get a can of Chef Boyardee ravioli, take them apart careful and position them to look like a lasagna.  Cover with grated goat cheese and heat in the oven at 350 for 20 minutes.


How can I remove the ice and snow from my driveway more efficiently?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Jan 29, 2007 - 00:30:39
Three letters....T—N—T! ::smile::



What's the best way to inconspicuously clean out boogers when you're in the pulpit?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Wed Jan 31, 2007 - 06:09:09
You can't be inconspicuous, so just do it.  If anyone says anything, tell them you were trying to remove the "plank" from your eye but that it had become lodged in your nose during the process.

My boss keeps reminding me that I am expected to turn in my work on time.  How can I get him to mind his own business?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Feb 01, 2007 - 14:04:25
Simply remind him of all the times his wife has called when he was supposedly "busy" but was actually flirting with your female co-workers and tell him that he wouldn't want certain "pictures" and "taped conversations" to "accidentally" ::cool:: show up in his wife's mail.



How can I avoid driving to work in traffic?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Fri Feb 02, 2007 - 06:02:14
walk

My boss is asking why I'm following him around with a microphone and camera.  What should I tell him?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Feb 02, 2007 - 09:28:22
Tell him you were asked to do an article for "America's greatest Bosses".




I have constant halitosis. How can I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Fri Feb 02, 2007 - 15:16:37
Eat nothing but onions and garlic for a week.  Fight fire with fire.



I'm drowning in paperwork!  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Feb 02, 2007 - 20:39:47
File everything on DVD and send them out to temp agencies.



My left eye wanders off from time to time, how can I get it to pay attention?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Feb 02, 2007 - 21:10:03
Glue it in place.


It's cold, and supposed to get much colder over the next few days.  How can I keep warm?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Fri Feb 02, 2007 - 23:10:18
Fire up that ray gun!  Be sure to point it at something flammable.


I have lots of work to do, but cold weather makes me lazy.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sat Feb 03, 2007 - 01:47:28
Move to Iraq.





I hate drinking water or milk. What should I drink instead?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Feb 03, 2007 - 09:16:32
Antifreeze.  It'll help in this cold weather.

My dog hurt his ACL, and is limping around.  How should I help him?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sat Feb 03, 2007 - 14:54:09
Well, Rover this is gonna hurt me more than you... BANG!






HOW CAN I GET TICKETS TO THE SUPERBOWL TODAY?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Feb 03, 2007 - 15:11:59
Wire me $500.00.  I'll put them in the mail today.

The people in the ship keep calling me at all hours of the night.  How can I get them to stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mdd344 on Sat Feb 03, 2007 - 16:23:24
If you will call your local Talaban office, they ought to be able to help you get an anti ship missile. But, if you are on board, that could be a problem.

I have a dog who imagines that he trees a squirrel about every other day and spends the day barking into the air at the tree. What should I do to get him to quit barking?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Feb 04, 2007 - 05:51:49
Cut down all the tree around your house.

I feel blue, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Feb 04, 2007 - 12:21:27
Paint yourself some other color.  Maybe red or green would be good.  Or plaid.

What's the best way to get my taxes filed without any effort?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Feb 04, 2007 - 12:51:34
Paint yourself some other color.  Maybe red or green would be good.  Or plaid.

What's the best way to get my taxes filed without any effort?

I think Ol' Mere Nick is doing taxes for GCM members for free, and he'll even come to your house.

How do I console those crying after da Bears win the Super Bowl?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sun Feb 04, 2007 - 22:23:23
Well since da Bears LOST! ::clappingoverhead:: There's no need for consolation.




How do I stop rubbing it in to all those poor and weeping Bears fans?  rofl   :thewave: ::laughinghisterically::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Feb 04, 2007 - 22:26:25
Just stop it, it's more fun to accuse them of throwing away baptism anyway.

------------------------

How do I resist the urge to buy Budweiser after watching so many commercials?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon Feb 05, 2007 - 08:21:13
Drinks lots and lots and lots of tequila.

I really love pancakes, but they aren't good for me. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Feb 05, 2007 - 10:36:46
Eat lots of waffles instead. The extra air thats pumped into them through the waffle making process will counteract the bad effects pancakes have on you.




I have three good children and to bad. How should I parent them. ::pondering::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Tue Feb 06, 2007 - 06:11:54
assume they are all bad, the good ones are probably faking it

I can't stop giving bad advice.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Feb 06, 2007 - 12:01:56
Write a book. Someone will sue you for false claims, you'll wind up in jail, and bad advice will no longer be an issue.


I have six dollars to spend on groceries this week. What should I buy?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Feb 06, 2007 - 12:05:17
Ramen.  Everything tastes good with Ramen.

--------------------------------------------------------------

It sure is cold outside and I don't want to go out.  How do I deal with the cold?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Feb 06, 2007 - 18:54:55
Go outside nekkid.  If we didn't wear clothes, we wouldn't think we have to be warm all the time.  Cold air preserves you!  I took a half-mile walk when it was 4 degrees this morning (my car was acting funny, and I needed to go somewhere, so I walked down and borrowed my mother's car).  I should have got up early and went for a walk when it was 4 below (around 6 AM) or colder!

Anyway, the snow on the ground should act as insulation, so after you take your clothes off, lay down and roll.

____________________________________________ ________________

It looks like we're getting our first significant snowfall in years.  How do I make sure this is the last one we get this year?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Feb 06, 2007 - 22:58:48
Burn your house down as a sacrifice to the winter gods. Paint your body with virgin automotive oil and drink three quarts of squid milk as you dance around your burning oblation! The winter gods must hear and honor your sincere worship!




I hate store employees. How can I avoid them?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Adrian on Tue Feb 06, 2007 - 23:02:33
I hate store employees. How can I avoid them?
Go shopping naked and smothered in melted cheese.

---------

I accidently blew up someone's car. How do I avoid said person?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Wed Feb 07, 2007 - 06:57:06
Next time, make sure they are in the car.

My back hurts from sitting hunched over my keyboard.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Feb 07, 2007 - 08:27:21
Move your monitor up and to the right.  Soon, you will develop neck spurs, like me, and your neck, shoulder and right arm, rather than your back, will hurt.

____________________________________________ ____________

I can't find any squid milk.  What can I use as a substitute?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Wed Feb 07, 2007 - 08:41:01
Octopus ink.

I'm going to Florida for the first time in March to visit a friend and her new baby. We're planning a trip to the beach, but I am totally self-conscious and don't want to wear a bathing suit. How can I handle this gracefully?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Feb 07, 2007 - 21:14:03
Tell your friend that you've converted to an obscure sect of Islam that only requires you to wear a burqa at the beach.

It looks like Friday is going to be spent in meetings at a customer site over an hour from my house.  How do I make the best of things?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Wed Feb 07, 2007 - 23:49:40
Octopus ink.

I'm going to Florida for the first time in March to visit a friend and her new baby. We're planning a trip to the beach, but I am totally self-conscious and don't want to wear a bathing suit. How can I handle this gracefully?
Tell your friend that you've converted to an obscure sect of Islam that only requires you to wear a burqa at the beach.


Or you could just go nekkid!



Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Fri Feb 09, 2007 - 04:38:37
Tell your friend that you've converted to an obscure sect of Islam that only requires you to wear a burqa at the beach.

It looks like Friday is going to be spent in meetings at a customer site over an hour from my house.  How do I make the best of things?
Bring a Gameboy

Love hurts.  How do I stop it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Feb 09, 2007 - 17:53:06
Hate everyone!



What's the best way to save money?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Feb 09, 2007 - 18:04:17
The best way to save money, is to store it with "The Bank of Gary." 

----------------------------------------------------------------

How do I get my wife to check her spelling more often before she posts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Feb 09, 2007 - 18:27:32
Point out to her, her lack of sufficient vocabulary to participate in this endeavor. Then make sure she understands that you understand the fact that women aren't able to piece together cogent thought like us men. She'll fully understand and immediately reward you with love and kisses! Women love to be put in their proper place! ::preachit::






How can I get my wife to move back in?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Feb 10, 2007 - 04:24:19
Give her an ultimatum, women love it when a man takes a stand.
Try something like: come back right now, cook me dinner and rub my feet or don't come back at all.  Yeah.....that should work.

I keep hoping the rain will wash my car, but it just keeps getting dirtier.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sat Feb 10, 2007 - 09:20:57
Wash your car in the rain. Then the rain will just gently rinse it off. You can also bathe yourself while you're washing the car. That will help save water and the environment.



I'm really constipated! Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Feb 10, 2007 - 15:13:10
Just get yourself a big block of cheese and keep eating until you push it out.

I keep following the advice I get here, but my life is not improving.  What else can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Feb 10, 2007 - 17:07:07
Go back to the first page of the thread and start over.

____________________________________________ _____

All the house noises, such as the heater, refrigerator and the computer are bothering me.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Sat Feb 10, 2007 - 17:30:02
Unplug them all!

I just figured my bills and there isn't enough money in my checking account to pay them.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Sat Feb 10, 2007 - 17:34:02
Take what you need out of the collection plate tomorrow, just don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.


I am beginning to think that theology has less to do with God revealing himself and more to do with man trying to figure Him out.  What makes a good theologian?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Feb 11, 2007 - 06:46:41
I think God makes them.

I try to put my pants on one leg at a time like everybody else but I keep falling down.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Feb 11, 2007 - 12:29:37
Go outside and hang your pants on the clothesline, then try to jump into them.

____________________________________________ __________

I am getting increasingly perturbed with people implying that they're better than I am.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Feb 11, 2007 - 15:25:58
I was hoping someone else would tell you but........
Just accept it.  We are better than you.


People seem to think I'm a self-righteous jerk.  How do I convince them that they are just being stupid?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Feb 11, 2007 - 15:48:46
Just tell them flat-out.  Even better, take out an ad in the paper and name everyone whom you consider stupid.

____________________________________________ _____

I have trouble making Easy Mac correctly.  Does anyone have any hints?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Feb 11, 2007 - 17:06:23
Mail it to me.  I'll make it for you and mail it back.

The aforementioned ad would require a supplement.  Would a TV ad be better?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Feb 11, 2007 - 17:09:49
Considering the morons you're targeting, probably.  But be sure to include closed-captioning for the intelligence impaired.

____________________________________________ ______

While taking an online IQ test, I just accidently registered with the University of Phoenix.  How do I find time to do this as well as continue to work on my Master's?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun Feb 11, 2007 - 20:10:17
Give up on your Masters!  Get a PhD from the same outfit Hovind did.  Its a lot faster!

------------------

I have to work outside tomorrow.  How do I weasel out of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Feb 11, 2007 - 20:19:54
Your question contains your answer.  Call in and tell them you have been bitten by a rabid weasel, and you are not allowed to leave the house until the temperatures rise above freezing, else you yourself will turn into a were-weasel.

____________________________________________ ___

On the last two tests I have taken in a particular class, I have missed what I thought was a poorly worded question (the only miss on each).  How do I let the teacher know he needs to shape up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Feb 12, 2007 - 12:31:12
Well, I couldn't wait for advice forever, so I TPed his house, and wrote "WRITE CLEARER QUESTIONS" in magic marker all over the toilet paper.  I hope that meets with everyone's approval.

____________________________________________ _____________

So, how do I keep from getting muscle rub in my eyes when I put it on?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Feb 12, 2007 - 17:58:14
Hire a beautiful blonde to do it for you. Don't worry, your wife won't mind. Just tell her it's the best way to save your eyes.




How can I get my wife to cook more desserts?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Mon Feb 12, 2007 - 18:00:58
Convince her they help cut back on gas & snoring.

_____________________


I took my advice above, and now my wife won't stop cramming pie down my throat.  I'm afraid I'll have diabetes by Thursday.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Feb 12, 2007 - 18:11:10
Actos is a good diabetes medicine.  So's Glucovance, so don't worry; they'll treat the diabetes.

____________________________________

Here it is Valentine's season again, and Trois is rubbing it in that I'm alone with his "your wife..." comment.  How can I make people be more sensitive?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Feb 12, 2007 - 18:21:31
(whoops! sorry about that marc! all kidding aside, that's something I would never joke about.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Feb 12, 2007 - 18:23:18
s'alright; I would.  ::lookaround::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Mon Feb 12, 2007 - 18:31:37
Well, i don't know how much you might want to have a wife....

So to answer your question...

If you want people to be more sensitive, just trust their good nature. Publish all your business including personal relationships, soc sec number, childhood fantasies etc... They'll never say bad things then.





How can I change all of my personal information?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Mon Feb 12, 2007 - 19:51:58
Mail it all to me and I'll take care of that for you.  Be sure to enclose originals or certified copies of all documents.



The FBI suspects me of phishing and wants to confiscate my computer.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Feb 12, 2007 - 19:54:49
Write a letter to Don Eppes and see if he will help you, with the aid of his brother Charlie.

-----------------------

How do I get rid of SPAMMERS?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Tue Feb 13, 2007 - 03:24:50
Fry it up and serve it with eggs.

My finger is stuck in my ear.  How do I get it out.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Feb 13, 2007 - 09:47:09
Acetone [nail polish remover] and quit playing with the super glue.

Watching Don and Charlie has made me want to become a math professor, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Feb 13, 2007 - 11:24:11
Re-enroll in elementary school. That way you can build the proper foundation for a life as a Math professor!






How can I drink more soda pop without ruining my teeth?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Feb 13, 2007 - 11:32:34
Drink only fluoride enhanced soda pop

Which elementary school will give me the best foundation to become a math professor that routinely helps the FBI solve difficult cases?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Feb 13, 2007 - 14:47:01
Lenin St. Elementary.



How do I buy legal drugs to help with glaucoma?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Thu Feb 15, 2007 - 06:24:11
Move to Amsterdam (or Kansas).

My neighbor's cat keeps peeing on my car windshield.  It runs down and gets in the air intake vents.  Now the inside of my car smells like cat pee.  (True story).  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Feb 15, 2007 - 09:31:36
Soak the car in gasoline and Burn it. Make sure the cat is locked inside the car when you do it to insure that no further incidents occur.





I have a bad cold. What's the best way to get rid of it/
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Jimbob on Thu Feb 15, 2007 - 09:53:11
Give it to as many people as possible, eventually you'll run out.



I'm sick today, have a sore back, and still have a 1,000 sq. ft. of knee-deep snow to remove and no snowblower.  Anyone got a good, quick, easy solution?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Thu Feb 15, 2007 - 13:54:03
Tell your wife you must rest your sore back and if she really loved you, she would do it for you, all the other wives are shovelling snow for their husbands now.

My wife is mad at me [and sore] over the snow thing -- what should I do

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: litwithin on Thu Feb 15, 2007 - 14:51:46
Throw buckets of boiling hot water on the snow to melt it!

My dog won't go outside to the bathroom when its raining, and it's been raining for the past 3 days. What should I do? ::walkingdog::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Thu Feb 15, 2007 - 14:55:00
Clean the carpet

My dog won't go to the bathroom outside when there's snow on the ground.  Do I have to keep shovelling the yard?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Feb 15, 2007 - 19:11:32
No,  just sprinkle gasoline all over the yard, and then light it.  That'll melt the snow.

My dog shredded a cushion while we were outside shoveling snow.  How should I deal with him?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Smiles on Thu Feb 15, 2007 - 20:13:14
well the animal activist rights people would surely drop dead over this, but suppose you were thinking about applying the same treatment to your dog as the lawn! rofl



( I LOVE animals really) ::blushing::

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Feb 16, 2007 - 09:49:24
I love animals too.... fried, sauteed, boiled, baked, etc ::readytoeat::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Feb 17, 2007 - 06:34:23
I love steak and potatoes (followed closely by ice cream).  They apparently love me too 'cause once I eat them they never leave.

How can I loose weight without all that diet and exercise nonsense?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Sat Feb 17, 2007 - 11:32:50
Sleep every night in hot water. The water will let you sweat off any excess weight while the steam will keep all of your other organs in balance.





How can I convince my children that premarital sex is wrong?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Feb 17, 2007 - 12:52:48
There were some interesting brainwashing techniques presented on "Lost" last week.  They can be adapted to help you teach your children, I believe.  Don't be alarmed if, as a side-effect of the treatement, they become time travelers.

____________________________________________ __

I am being stalked by a supernatural blue tyger.  Also, I'm beginning to believe that I was William Blake in a previous life.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Feb 18, 2007 - 07:26:11
Feed the tyger and write some poetry.

I'm bored.  I'm the chairman of the bored.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Feb 18, 2007 - 12:27:34
Write some poetry and publish it here.  If not poetry, at least doggerel.

For instance.....

(a little background first.  Many years ago, I had a dream about a supernatural blue tiger (named Tygar) that seemed to be pursuing a friend of mine. When I woke up, I wrote down what I had dreamed, and this became the beginning of my first "novel", in reality a manuscript that I've submitted to a couple of publishers and agent and received nice, personal rejection letters and on phone call about.  I should be working on it, but I can't motivate myself.

Anyway, this story, when completed, seemed to reflect several points from Blake's "The Tyger", even though I didn't remember ever having read the poem at the time (I read it as part of a class I took a year or so later).  Blake's illustration even resembled the tiger I saw in my dream.

After completing the manuscript, I wrote a bit of doggerel, which I ran across a couple of days ago.  Sorry for the long parenthetical information that no one cares about.  ::tippinghat::)

Tiger, tiger, come here and get me
I'd take a step closer, if you'd only let me.
When the time of attraction proves too unnerving
You'll find your attention and attitude swerving.

Tiger, tiger, some plastic curtain--
This barrier means the past is uncertain.
With one razor claw the thin wall is punctured,
Does this mean the present and future are unsure?

Tiger, tiger, leave me in peace now.
I'd appease all your hunger if I only knew how.
You want too much blood and you want too much service.
'Can't look in your eyes without getting nervous.

Tiger, tiger, I see you fading.
Where there's no life, there'll be no more waiting.
Cool running water has taken your reason,
One final cut, and you die--for a season.

Tiger, tiger....  ::lookaround::

So my advice, to fight boredom, write some doggerel of your own.

____________________________________________ _____________

How do I fight this urge to talk about things no one cares about?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon Feb 19, 2007 - 09:07:34
Have your tongue and fingers surgically removed.


I'm going to Florida for the first time next month. I can't swim, and I hate wearing a bathing suit. How can I avoid embarrassing myself?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Feb 20, 2007 - 09:58:25
Go nude. You'll fit right in as long as you wear a flowered hat.




How can I stop my neighbor's wife from running over my flowers when she jogs every morning! My petunia's can't take it anymore!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Tue Feb 20, 2007 - 10:38:48
Get over it -- don't expect us to feel sorry for you living in a place where you have flowers in February.

I am probably going to have to start mowing the grass in a month or two -- what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Feb 20, 2007 - 11:46:13
Hey! It's Cali! Don't hate!

Move to Cali you could mow now!




How do I deal with annoying people with Cali Envy? ::greed::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Tue Feb 20, 2007 - 22:58:03
Come to the realization that some of us have been there, don't like it, and don't want to go back.  OOPS!  This was supposed to be bad advice . . .

Include up-to-date weather reports in every post you make.



I'm not a morning person.  How can I get started earlier in the day?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Feb 20, 2007 - 23:00:58
Move to California and you'll be able to get up after the rest of the US. Oooops. That's right it's supposed to be bad advice.... Stay where you are and hope they change to Pacific time.






How can I get more money from my boss?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Wed Feb 21, 2007 - 02:40:42
Buy a pistol.  One of those big, scary looking, Dirty Harry jobs.

My face is getting all wrinkly.  How can reverse the process?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Feb 21, 2007 - 09:22:18
Try a steam roller

When I work out not, I get tired much quicker than I used to -- what can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Feb 21, 2007 - 10:38:18
Eat more cakes, pies, and ice cream. The high sugar content will give you a boost.




I have gained a lot of weight from eating too many cakes, pies, and ice cream during my work-outs. How can I lose it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Feb 21, 2007 - 12:49:29
You're eating too wide a variety of foods during the workout, and your body can't process them quickly enough to keep up.  Stick with one food.  For your next workout, I would reccomend 2 gallons of Rocky Road.

____________________________

I seem to be in a radical, cantankerous mood today.  My first three posts (on the history and politics boards) likely offended 85% of the people on this board.  How do I offend the other 15% so the first bunch won't feel as bad?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Wed Feb 21, 2007 - 16:43:46
Start an IM thread and use certain posters from our past as authority

I find it increasingly hard to take certain posters seriously, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Wed Feb 21, 2007 - 16:48:57
Start an IM thread and use certain posters from our past as authority

I find it increasingly hard to take certain posters seriously, what should I do?

Pretend that they are actually the poster named Gary, and then you should be able to take what they say as God's words written on GCM.

-----------------

I can't get my wife to be quiet by using bible verses, how do I get her to be silent and stop trying to be motherly?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed Feb 21, 2007 - 17:31:48
Everytime she opens her mouth "moon" her and answer out of your butt like Jim Carey.



How can I get my wife to come back?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Feb 22, 2007 - 13:51:31
Tape your butt closed.

I get 40-50 emails a day at work. How can I cut down on the time I spend responding?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Dennis on Thu Feb 22, 2007 - 19:30:20
Arbitrarily delete 35 of them. [be sure to be random and not to play favorites]

I am about to get fired for not responding to e-mails from the home office, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Thu Feb 22, 2007 - 19:40:01
You need to hang outside your bosses house and get some good pictures to use as blackmail.

-------------------------------------

I have super duper gas from eating Mickey D's.  How do I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Feb 22, 2007 - 19:57:55
Gas is valuable; don't just expel it randomly!  Put an ad on Ebay. Offer to ship it to the highest bidder.

_________________________________

The learning styles inventory I took last week and examined tonight pretty much showed that I was doomed to failure from birth.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Feb 22, 2007 - 22:03:17
Get yourself sterilized. One shouldn't pass that on to the next generation.







How can I sin without fearing hell. ::afro::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Feb 23, 2007 - 08:24:53
Become an atheist.

___________________________________________

The chest drawer I keep my pants in is broken, and I can't pull it out.  That leaves me with only the pants I'm wearing.  How many straight days can I wear these pants before someone notices?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Feb 23, 2007 - 11:37:33
You can wear them indefinitely. Just dye them a new color every night.



How can I justify spending several hundred dollars on a new camera?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Feb 23, 2007 - 12:16:46
Hit the reply button.  Type "spending several hundred dollars on a new camera."  Then hit the right justify or left justify bbc tag.  This will do the trick.

Here are examples:

"spending several hundred dollars on a new camera."


"spending several hundred dollars on a new camera."
_____________________________________________________

My aunt asked me to go computer shopping with her husband based on the false assumption that I know something about computers other than how to use them.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Feb 23, 2007 - 13:15:08
Fake it. How's he gonna tell whether or not it was bad advice or not?






How can I become independently wealthy while sitting on my butt all day, eating Bon Bons, and watching ESPN and sportscenter?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Feb 23, 2007 - 13:43:32
My uncle Ponzi has a scheme...I mean an idea that will help.  email me your credit card and bank account information, and I'll take care of it for you.

____________________________________________ ____________-

I'll be teaching Macbeth to high school seniors next week.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Fri Feb 23, 2007 - 15:06:57
DON'T! somethings need to just be left in the past.



How can i learn Spanish?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Feb 23, 2007 - 16:39:30
Watch old Speedy Gonzales cartoons.  They tell you all the words you need to know.  If you think you need to know more, just talk with what you think might be the appropriate accent.  Same thing.

____________________________________________ __

I have classwork I need to do this weekend, and people keep scheduling weddings and birthday parties that I don't have time for.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Feb 24, 2007 - 21:51:19
Take a page from the MacBeth stuff you've been teaching.   A few murders will eliminate your social responsibilities.  Lay on, MacDuff!

I've been spending too much time with a computer game.  What should I do about that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon Feb 26, 2007 - 07:23:17
Buy an Xbox360 instead.

I have horrible congestion and it's making me sick to my stomach. What can I possibly do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Feb 26, 2007 - 21:46:26
Wasabi.  In large spoonfuls.  It'll clear that congestion right out.  And, if it doesn't, you'll be in such pain anyway that the other things will be the least of your concern.

I need a new, faster computer.  And an HDTV.  And new tires for my care.  How do I afford all that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Tue Feb 27, 2007 - 09:26:40
By some black grease paint, a black ski cap, black gloves, and a black sweat suit. Also get a .44 Magnum. Wait until WalMart closes... break in... You should be able to easily get those items.




My friend has really bad B.O. how can I tell her without hurting her feelings?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Feb 27, 2007 - 14:14:20
Who cares about hurting her feelings?  James Cameron found Jesus' tomb, so you can just do what you want to do; nothing matters anymore.

____________________________________________ ______________---

How do I stop being so sarcastic?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Feb 27, 2007 - 17:18:08
Stop being sarcastic?  Yeah, right.  Because we all know that speaking softly gets us what we want.

Trois's advice seemed helpful, except Wal-Mart is open 24 hours per day.  What's a good alternative?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Feb 27, 2007 - 17:21:16
Use your computer skills to add some more money to your bank account.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are sinners in the sports thread who have disagreed with me and therefore have disagreed with God, how do I get them to repent and change their ways?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Feb 27, 2007 - 21:11:01
In fact, you need to repent, because the Tigers are from Detroit, where they celebrate Devil's night.  The Cardinals are the team of heaven.  Change your allegiance.

A local micro-brewery restaurant had an all you can eat ribs special tonight.  I got my money's worth.  Now I'm in pain.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Tue Feb 27, 2007 - 21:21:18
Repent!  Your pain is because you root for the enemy!  For God is punishing you for being a Cardinals fan, who are from St. Louis, which gave us Nelly, who is promoting hedonism for proclaiming that we should all take off all our clothes, when it gets hot in here.

Change your ways oh wicked man!  Then become a Tigers fan!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've got some free time during vacation.  What should I do with my free time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Thu Mar 01, 2007 - 01:02:52
Go to St. Louis.

--------------------------------

Need to think about a new topic for Wednesday Night Bible Study... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Thu Mar 01, 2007 - 09:45:04
Which Bible is the true version and what happens to people who read out of a different version.


Folks in my bible study group say they are getting tired of me asking stupid questions.  How can I make them understand I'm just trying to help them grow?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Fri Mar 02, 2007 - 01:04:19
Bring a gun.

-----------------------------------

We are having a problem with people coming late to the meetings... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Mar 02, 2007 - 01:47:47
Give away $1,000 at the start of every meeting.  Must be present to win.

Oh, and the real answer to your Wednesday night lesson is to teach Macbeth.  (I told a kid before Bible class last night that we were going to study Macbeth.  I thought he knew I was kidding, and then toward the end of class I asked a question and he said, "does this have something to do with that play you said we were going to study?")

____________________________________________ ________________

I'm beginning to think I've had a whole lot of things wrong for a very long time.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Fri Mar 02, 2007 - 05:04:41
Talk more, think less.


The voices in my head are giving me conflicting advice.  How can I get them all to agree on a single course of action.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: soterion on Fri Mar 02, 2007 - 08:48:29
Promise them all that you will finally do what they say if they will all just agree.

My boss is not pleased with my job performance.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Mar 02, 2007 - 17:59:32
Blackmail him or her.  This will improve your circumstances, because your boss will appreciate your ingenuity.

The snow has finally melted from our yard, to reveal all the dog poop.  Now, the yard is a minefield.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Mar 02, 2007 - 19:48:53
Collect the poop and leave burning bags of poop on the doorstep of every home in the neighborhood.


My neighbors don't like me anymore. How can I convince them I'm not such a bad person?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Mar 03, 2007 - 00:58:01
Run down your block at 2am, yelling through a bullhorn, "I'm not such a bad person!... I'm not such a bad person!..."

-------------------------------

I'm very disorganized... Any helpful suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Sat Mar 03, 2007 - 13:45:41
Throw away everything you own and you won't have to organize it.

My house is empty because I keep throwing stuff away. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Mar 03, 2007 - 14:05:28
Get organized... ::wink::

--------------------------

Sometimes, I spend too much time on GCM... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Mar 06, 2007 - 06:38:59
Purchase the smallest laptop you can find with wifi capabilities. Then you can carry it everywhere you go and still be on GCM. No one will ever notice.

I have a terrible cough. The doctor said it was just caused by congestion, but it's still making my throat hurt something awful. What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Mar 06, 2007 - 07:27:22
Don't drive during rush hour, and avoid the congestion.  As for the sore throat, a few shots of whiskey before driving should take care of it.

A two-year-old visiting our house with his parents managed to destroy the cartridge on my turntable.  That's going to cost me $30 or more to replace.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Mar 06, 2007 - 09:50:19
Insist that the parents turn the child over to you as an indentured servant until he can pay off the $30 plus interest.

My son and husband are having a grand time playing while I'm stuck working. It isn't fair! What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Mar 06, 2007 - 11:11:02
Destroy the cartidge on their turntable.  That'll fix them. If that doesn't work, take a page from Macbeth and hire a couple of murderers to kill them when the come in from riding. that'll teach them.  And everything turned out well for Macbeth, of course.

____________________________________________ _____________

Because I'm teaching Macbeth at the moment, I seem unable to think about anything else.  Help!

Also, there's a ghost sitting in my chair.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: litwithin on Tue Mar 06, 2007 - 19:37:23
Has he slept in your bed and eaten your porridge too? Sound like it would make a great story, write about it!

__________________


I can't stop watching Desperate Housewives.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Mar 06, 2007 - 20:22:41
Lady Macbeth was a desperate housewife, so maybe you should replace your obsession with a Macbeth obsession.

____________________________________________-

I keep washing my hands but I can't get the blood off.  Also, I've developed a sleepwalking problem and I could swear that the woods are moving toward me.  Help!! Help!!!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Mar 06, 2007 - 22:36:01
Do you have a dog named Spot?  Just yell at him to get out, maybe use some strong language.  You'll feel much better; it worked for Lady Macbeth.

My son and daughter-in-law have been using the power sander on the old dining table all evening, in preparation for restaining it.  My ears are still ringing from the noise.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Fri Mar 09, 2007 - 05:46:13
Put on some headphones and listen to AC/DC at maximum volume.  "Highway to Heck"  ought to do the trick.  ( I cleaned up the song title for the overly sensitive).

I'm trying to lose some weight and am experiencing severe symptoms of ice cream withdrawal.  How can I ease the pain?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Fri Mar 09, 2007 - 15:13:24
Go on an ice cream binge, eating nothing but ice cream for the next week... You'll not only get over your withdrawal symptoms... You'll get sick of ice cream. (Wait, is that really bad advice?)

----------------------------

I need to start getting up earlier in the morning... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Mar 09, 2007 - 19:32:10
Just stay up all night, then it won't matter.

How do I get my dog to quit barking at the UPS truck?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Fri Mar 09, 2007 - 23:13:05
Wedge him under the front tire, right before the truck pulls away... He'll never bark at it again!

-----------------------------------------

I need to stop drinking so much Mountain Dew... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Mar 10, 2007 - 17:21:52
'problem is that you're probably drinking the fake stuff, found in stores.  Go back into the hills and get some of the real thing.  Then you won't want that wimpy green stuff anymore.

_____________________________________-

I ate some really bad Chinese food today, and now I'm violently ill (seriously).  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sat Mar 10, 2007 - 17:29:58
Chinese food makes you unclean.  You need to be baptized for the removal of dirt.

--------------------------------------------

My wife has been reading the women threads and now thinks she is empowered or something.  How do I get her to be submissive like the Bible says?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Mar 10, 2007 - 18:00:39
Whack her over the head with one of those big family Bibles.  She'll see the light, or at least some stars.  I'm sure she'll thank you for it.

My back is sore from helping the kids move today.  What's the best treatment?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Mar 11, 2007 - 07:15:59
sit ups.  That will either strengthen your stomach muscles or blow a disk in your back.  either way, problem solved.

I give such good advice everyone brings their problems to me.  How do I keep from getting a swelled head?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Mar 11, 2007 - 08:10:20
Buy a motorcycle helmet that is two sizes too small and wear it at all times.  It seems they are the new fashion accessory.

(at the school where I'm doing my clinical Friday was "hat day".  For a $1 contribution to the Senior AP English group (they need money for testing to earn credits or some such thing), students got a ticket that allowed them to wear hats indoors.  A couple of guys wore motorcycle helmets. )

____________________________________________ ____________

Turns out I'm still violently ill this morning, meaning it's probably a bug, not the Chinese food.  Two questions:  how do I apologize to the Chinese and what's the best way to cook cat?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Mar 11, 2007 - 09:25:36
#1 Go to the dollar store, buy $100 worth of stuff.  That will pump about $25 into the Chinese economy.  Nothing says I'm sorry like cash.

#2 Schezuan

My helmet is giving me a headache.  How do I get it off?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Mar 11, 2007 - 13:06:11
Lots of butter and a shoehorn.

I have some sort of bug today too.  I think I caught it from Marc, via the Internet.  How should I pay him back?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Mar 11, 2007 - 13:57:33
Just pm me your credit card information.  I'll figure the charges myself.

____________________________________________ ______

I'm looking for a detailed 7th grade language arts curriculum or syllabus that does not contain regular journal writing to use as a control group design for a research project.  Does anyone have any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Mon Mar 12, 2007 - 13:06:06
I can make one for you.

--------------------

I have four offers to purchase sitting here for one of my foreclosure listings, but the asset manager will not call or email me back about them, and it's been over a week... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Mar 12, 2007 - 19:06:21
Call the local news media, tell them you will blow up the house if the manager doesn't contact you within 12 hours.  That will get things moving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to work this morning, but then the virus that Marc gave me struck back, so I came home early.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Mar 12, 2007 - 19:31:40
Do what I did today.  Go in anyway and contaminate everybody else.  (I'm currently on day 7 of a mandatory 8 consecutive days teaching as part of my clinical.)  It'll be good for everyone.  Raise they're resistance.

___________________________________

I'm tired of not being able to eat.  I'm hungry, but the thought makes me sick. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Tue Mar 13, 2007 - 21:20:36
Eat anyway.  You don't want to get the dry heaves.





The check engine light came on in my van today.  Is that something important?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Mar 13, 2007 - 21:36:58
Go back to post number 7 on the first page of this board.  Follow the advice given, and then all following advice.

______________________________________

I have a huge paper due tomorrow, and I can bring myself to organize, but not to write.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Tue Mar 13, 2007 - 21:50:04
Obviously you should continue posting on the jokes and games forum.  Priorities, man!





I'm all out of black tape.  Is gray duct tape an authorized substitution?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Tue Mar 13, 2007 - 21:57:37
Not really.  Gray is noticible; black lets you ignore the problem.  Grey, however, is acceptable.

____________________________________________ ______________

  I just noticed that the google ads on this page all have to do with drug addiction.  Are they trying to tell me something?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Serenity432001 on Tue Mar 13, 2007 - 22:45:13
If you spot it, you got it!!

I've decided I'd rather not go to work tomorrow.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Mar 14, 2007 - 23:03:15
Call your boss at home, preferably sometime after midnight, and tell him/her all the things you most despise about both him/her and the job.  That will take care of it, you won't have to go to work tomorrow.

After reading Marc's advice, I'm not sure if he's gotten into a gray area or a grey area.  How do I preserve the sanity of my grey/gray/in-between-black-and-white cells?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Mar 15, 2007 - 09:12:02
Don't worry about it. Since white is a combination of all color, and black is the absence of color, it follows that gray/grey is simply a figment of your imagination.

Since DH has the day off, we were planning on playing outside with our son as soon as I got off work. Unfortunately, we're showing an 80% chance of rain. What are the alternatives?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Mar 15, 2007 - 20:19:31
Put on all your clothes, sprinkle detergent on each layer.  Then, play in the rain and wash your clothes at the same time.

It was 80 degrees yesterday, and they're calling for up to six inches of snow tomorrow.  How should I dress for work?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Fri Mar 16, 2007 - 21:50:06
Don't bother.  Fridays are clothing-optional days, aren't they?



For some reason, no one wanted to be around me today.  What do you think the problem is?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Mar 16, 2007 - 22:21:54
I'm sure it's your hair color.  Dye it a more pleasing, contemporary color, such as lime green.


My hands and the sink are stained green.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Fri Mar 16, 2007 - 23:34:34
Dye them a more pleasing, contemporary color, such as lime green.

------------------------------

I'm having a lot of intestinal pain... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Mar 17, 2007 - 06:49:06
cod liver oil

I've been reading "Seeing the Unseen."  Now I think I'm seeing things.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: soterion on Sat Mar 17, 2007 - 07:17:39
Start reading "Hearing the Unheard" and see if you start hearing things too.  (I'm sure you saw this one coming).

There are not enough hours in the day to get my things done.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nicole555 on Sat Mar 17, 2007 - 09:41:59
steal other people's time and ask them to do sth. for you~~

i lost my confidence, what shall i do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: soterion on Sat Mar 17, 2007 - 09:55:20
Go around and beg everybody you know to tell you how wonderful and kind you are.

People keep coming around and begging me to tell them how wonderful and kind they are.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Mar 17, 2007 - 12:03:01
Now that they know how to beg, teach them to roll over and play dead.

My friends tell me I treat them like dogs.  Should I stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Mar 17, 2007 - 13:08:31
No. But stop using your hands, and use a pooper scooper from hereon out!

------------------------------

I need to clean my garage out, but it is really messy... Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: soterion on Sun Mar 18, 2007 - 01:22:04
Garage Sale!  Everything $1.00 (including the trash you bagged up).  I guarantee you the garage will be empty by day's end.

I am having trouble sleeping.  What do you suggest?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Mar 18, 2007 - 20:33:31
Thunderbird, in large quantities.  It may have a few other minor side-effects.

Now that Arkansas and Maryland are both out of the NCAA tournament, I don't know whom to cheer for.  Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Mar 19, 2007 - 19:56:26
WVU.  Of course that would mean paying attention to the NIT, but that's the better tournament anyway.

btw, they get to defeat NC State for the second time this season tomorrow night.

____________________________________________ ________

I reserved dorm rooms for a bunch of us at the Lipscomb Summer Celebration in July.  I have no idea what I will be doing in July.  What will I do if I'm working or attending classes and can't go?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Tue Mar 20, 2007 - 19:00:55
Quit work, and quit school.

------------------

I have a procedure scheduled this Thursday where they are planning on putting a camera down my throat... I'm a little nervous about it. Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Mar 20, 2007 - 22:03:25
This calls for the application of two or three shots of medicinal Jack Daniels.

My dog seems to be sick, and has a fever, after tangling with a cat Sunday night.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Tue Mar 20, 2007 - 22:44:17
This calls for the application of two or three shots of medicinal Jack Daniels.

This is the bad advice thread, twd  ::wink::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Tue Mar 20, 2007 - 22:46:40
My dog seems to be sick, and has a fever, after tangling with a cat Sunday night.  What should I do?

Find the cat, throw them in a small kennel together, and let your dog get his dignity back!

----------------------

All of the information on my Palm Pilot has been lost... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Mar 21, 2007 - 07:27:40
Next time, don't wash your hands after writing all that information on your palms.

-----------------

Between work, church, and a chemistry class she is taking, my wife is overloaded right now.  What's the best thing I can do to help her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Wed Mar 21, 2007 - 07:53:12
Quit your job so you can help out more around the house.

Spring time allergies are ruining my life.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Wed Mar 21, 2007 - 09:49:28
Go out and roll around in the grass.  It works for dogs and horses!


I have lost my voice due to the sudden onset of a cold and I need to practice with the choir tonight.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: soterion on Wed Mar 21, 2007 - 10:23:45
Get a ventriloquist dummy and sing through it.

My Bible is falling apart.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Wed Mar 21, 2007 - 11:45:26
Take it apart, and use the pages to wallpaper your bathroom.

--------------------------

My acid reflux is bothering me... Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Thu Mar 22, 2007 - 05:52:50
Eat ice cream until you throw up.  Problem solved.

People tell me I will use any excuse to eat ice cream.  This hurts my feelings.  What should do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: soterion on Thu Mar 22, 2007 - 12:14:46
Eat more ice cream, of course.

The Thunderbird isn't working for my insomnia.  Got any other ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Mar 22, 2007 - 12:33:09
Try caffeine, then.  Maybe it will do the opposite of what it usually does, since your natural state is being awake, and put you to sleep.  yeah, that makes sense.

____________________________________________ _____

I'm afraid James R is hovering at 14999 post intentionally so I'll break the 15000 barrier first. I think he's afraid that this will cause his computer to turn to dust or something.  How can I convince him to go ahead and post?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Mar 23, 2007 - 11:23:23
Accuse him of all manner of things,   that will get him to answer you.
And thus he will make the necessary post.



What do I do about a neighbor who has a dog that barks constantly?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Mar 23, 2007 - 18:05:09
I'm thinking a flaming bag of dog poop on their front porch, ring the door bell and run.


My dog has cost me $250 in vet bills the last couple of days, how can I recover those costs?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Mar 23, 2007 - 18:10:08
Sue the dog food manufacturers.  Whatever he needed, it was the fault of contaminated pet food.  And stick to your story.

_________________________________________

I'm getting old, and developing new aging-related problems every day.  Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Sat Mar 24, 2007 - 13:39:55
Have yourself frozen and thawed out 50 years later and you will look very young for your age.

I have no suit and tie for church what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Mar 24, 2007 - 19:13:20
Go in your underwear.

___________________

I just logged on to a site that tells me when you're going to die, and I have more time left than expected.  What should I do with the extra time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yogi bear on Sat Mar 24, 2007 - 19:21:58
Live it as if there was no tomorrow doing things that you would never do under normal circumstance.

The grass is growing and the mower is broken what to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sat Mar 24, 2007 - 20:43:14
Buy a sheep.


My dog follows me all around the house and is driving me nuts.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Mar 24, 2007 - 21:42:02
Trade him for a sheep.

___________________________

I'm starting a sheep-selling business.  What's a good way to promote it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Mar 25, 2007 - 21:29:30
Use spam to sell mutton.

_________________________________

My wife insists there's a draft in the room, but I can't feel it, and have already checked all the windows and doors.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Mar 25, 2007 - 21:31:33
Turn on an electric fan and tell her it will push the draft out of the room.  Point it directly toward her, since she's the one feeling the draft.

____________________________________________ _________

I have an assignment to complete by tomorrow, and I'm not sure what language the directions are in.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Mar 25, 2007 - 21:34:17
Take a crash on-line course in Spanish, and see if that's it.  If not, try Korean.  Keep trying random languages until you hit the right one.  There are only something like 2,000 written languages in use in the world today, so it shouldn't take long.

________________________

What's the best way to remove an electric fan from one's ear?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Mar 25, 2007 - 21:40:49
With an electric knife.

____________________________-

Turns out the words are in English, they just make no sense in the order presented.  What should I do about this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Wed Mar 28, 2007 - 06:10:29
By now I assume you made the right decision - wait for the deadline to pass and see if you get a new, more easily understood, set of instructions.  That approach worked well for me on my last five jobs.

I keep getting fired from jobs for failure to meet deadlines.  What is the big deal with deadlines?  They are just dates on a celendar.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Mar 28, 2007 - 08:27:41
You're right.  I have it from the highest authority in the land that deadlines are bad things that should never be imposed and will only lead to failure.  The next time someone gives you a deadline, call them a defeatist.  If you do that, maybe you'll become president someday.

____________________________________________ _______

I find myself occasionally saying things on this board that may cause people to look me up and stone me.  Should I continue?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Mar 28, 2007 - 17:19:26
Yes, by all means.  With any luck, there won't be any stones left for them to throw at me.

__________________________________

How do I keep from telling everybody who thought that that "highest authority" was God's gift, "I told you so"?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Mar 28, 2007 - 20:02:20
Ah, why keep quiet?  Such comments are always welcome on the Politics board.

_________________________________________--

I'm having nightmares about a fifty-foot Michael Jackson robot walking around the Nevada desert shooting lasers out of its eyes.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Thu Mar 29, 2007 - 07:57:42
Start sleeping with a Teddy bear.

I have no more questions.  What now?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Mar 29, 2007 - 19:39:14
Recycle.  It's good for the environment.

___________________________

I have no more questions.  What now?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Mar 29, 2007 - 22:23:58
Take some time off and reflect on tonight's championship game of the basketball tournament that Really Matters.

____________________________________________

How can I convince people that the NIT is the real college basketball championship?  And on a related note, how can I convince WVU Coach John Beilein not to take the Michigan job?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Thu Mar 29, 2007 - 23:28:49
Well tell everyone that a lower standard of excellence is the proper Christian perspective and therefor we should support mediocrity over real skill. Then just remind Coach John that there are more things in life beside more money, greater status, and upward mobility in ones chosen profession.





How can I get my teenage children to stop asking for money?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Mar 29, 2007 - 23:31:14
remind them that there are more things in life beside more money, greater status, and upward mobility in ones chosen profession.

They'll listen and never ask you for money again.

Either that, or just give them your bank card so they no longer need to ask.
____________________________________________ ____________

I want to stop getting in arguments on this board but continue posting.  Is this possible?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri Mar 30, 2007 - 07:34:46
Yes.  Stick only to the change one letter threads.

_________________________

What should I plant in my vegetable plot this year?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Mar 30, 2007 - 07:38:54
Marijuana.  It is a cash crop.  Just make sure you hide in between other vegetables.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

It appears that there is division in the body of Christ because Pepperdine won't allow LBGT folks free rein.  How do we fix that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Mar 31, 2007 - 05:25:03
Start a new church.  Call it "The One and Only, Last Chance, All Others Are Doomed, True Church of Christ"  Then you will find out who the "true" Christians are based on who joins with you.  Don't worry about the others.

I've been called an eletist by some heathens.  How can I convince them they are wrong?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: James Rondon on Sat Mar 31, 2007 - 15:20:47
Don't bother answering, you're better than them!

-----------------------------

We keep getting people to sign up to clean the church building, yet, they're not showing up to do it. Not only that, after they sign up, and don't show up, they follow up with not coming on Sundays and Wednesdays for the meetings of the church? Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Mar 31, 2007 - 15:59:49
Obviously, they've heard the "people are the church" idea, and this has confused them.  They've cleaned their houses instead of the church, and now they're waiting for the rest of the church to show up there.  So, do it. Have everyone go to their house tomorrow morning.

____________________________________________ _____________

I just got a proxy vote thing in the mail from United Airlines.  How do I get someone to vote my proxy to get rid of the current CEO? That doesn't seem to be an option.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Apr 07, 2007 - 12:07:26
Use cut-out letters from the newspaper pasted to paper, spelling out what you really think about the CEO.  Sprinkle some confectioner's sugar into the envelope so they won't think you're just a crank.

______________________________________

The guy who usually puts our powerpoints together for our worship services is out of town for Easter, so I'm on my own.  What's the quickest way to get this done?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Apr 07, 2007 - 12:35:49
Do what I saw done at the last youth rally I went to.  Put all of the slides you want to use in one Word file in no particular order, and scroll up and down through them until you find the right one whenever you want to change the slide. Ignore all those complaining about motion sickness; they're probably Luddites.

____________________________________________ ______________

I finally got my substitute teaching certificate Thursday.  The next board meeting, where I will be officially hired, will leave me with about one week to substitute before I have to begin taking a daily Monday through Thursday class in May.  I am not happy about this process, which I began in November, taking so long.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Sat Apr 07, 2007 - 13:09:49
Pray for the Rapture to occur, but specifically ask that it not happen on your Fridays off.   ::hiding::


There's an Easter Bunny on my front lawn carrying a basket of colored eggs.  How can I get rid of him without hurting his feelings?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Apr 07, 2007 - 17:19:43
Shoot him from behind.  He won't feel a thing.

____________________________________________ _______

If I catch pneumonia from mowing the lawn in the snow yesterday, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Sun Apr 08, 2007 - 18:47:45
 ::iamsick:: Call for the elders of the church and have them anoint you with oil.  Then bake in preheated oven at 350 degrees until done.


I want an herb garden, but all my plants die before I can harvest them?  What, Oh What, can I do?   ???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Apr 08, 2007 - 20:13:30
Buy your herbs at WalMart like everybody else.

_____________________________________--

Instead of pneumonia, I ended up with the mother of all sinus headaches.  Since we have no elders, how can I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sun Apr 08, 2007 - 20:21:13
Self medicate by annointing yourself with oil.  I recommend WD-40, as the spray can easily cover your whole body.  It has the added benefit of making it easy to slide into bed afterward.

______________________________________

I'm filling in for the auditorium adult class next Sunday with an introduction to Galatians.  Recommendations?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Sun Apr 08, 2007 - 20:37:44
It's always good to introduce visitors.   ::preachit::  Ask them to stand, but don't let them talk.  They're quite foolish, I hear.


Where's a good place outside to hide a house key?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Apr 08, 2007 - 20:40:34
Do what my sister did.  Tape it to your front door along with a note that says "This is for Ann; please don't anyone else use this to get in the house and steal things."

She seriously did this.  She is rather blonde.

____________________________________________ ___________

I am related to people who should be locked up somewhere.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Sun Apr 08, 2007 - 21:02:13
Invite them all over to your sister's house.  Once they are all inside, shut the door.  Don't worry about locking it.  They may not be able to find their way out of a paper bag, let alone a house with an unlocked door.   ::crazy::


I've never been on a cruise.  What should I pack?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Apr 08, 2007 - 21:04:35
Don't pack anything.  The commercials say everything is provided. 

____________________________________________ __

I didn't win the Masters today.  This probably has something to do with my never having played golf.  How can I be sure to win next year?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Mon Apr 09, 2007 - 07:51:39
1.  Buy a set of golf clubs.
2.  Enter the competition.
3.  Cheat.

Not necessarily in that order.
________________________________

I've done it all--tugged on Superman's cape, spit into the wind, pulled the mask off of the Lone Ranger, and I messed around with Jim.  What else can I do to bring meaning to my life?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Apr 09, 2007 - 16:02:32
Buy some music recorded after 1975.  I'd reccomend boy bands from the nineties or Brtny Sprs. 

___________________________________________

At the college library today, a student employee with an Eastern European accent refused to help me find a journal I needed.  What should I do about this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Mon Apr 09, 2007 - 20:32:01
Find a mosque and blow it up.



Hubby and I both have bad colds.  How can we avoid killing each other long enough to recover?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: AaronsRod on Mon Apr 09, 2007 - 20:39:55
Build a brick wall up and over your bed so you dont have to deal with each other...

My dog ate my homework...what should I do??
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Apr 09, 2007 - 21:37:42
Take your dog to school and turn him in.

btw, my hat's off to you;  ::tippinghat:: I could never eat two 18" subs!

____________________________________________

I want to grow my hair out like Bronson Arroyo's.  (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v710/marcshoe/bronsonmg2.gif) Whadd'ya think?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: AaronsRod on Mon Apr 09, 2007 - 22:17:51
DON'T DO IT!!!LOL


I need to get from point a to point b...how should I do it??
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Mon Apr 09, 2007 - 22:57:33
Naked, on a pogo stick.




The neighborhood children all run home screaming when I get out my pogo stick.  What's wrong?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: AaronsRod on Tue Apr 10, 2007 - 21:47:26
LOL...Your naked on a pogo stick....LOL

I must cross a channel with no bridge...what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Wed Apr 11, 2007 - 07:02:03
Use a remote.

_______________

Apparently Global Warming has not hit my area.  It snowed 2" last night.  It's unheard of for it being so far into April!    How can I make it stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Apr 11, 2007 - 22:28:44
Convince everyone in your town to take the catalytic converters off of their cars and keep driving 24 hours a day until the temperature spikes in your village.

---------------------------------

The EPA is going to come after me for encouraging people to remove the catalytic converters from the cars.  What defense should I use?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Wed Apr 11, 2007 - 22:49:18
Plead insanity.  It'll work with the IRS, too.

________________________

My wife will be gone this weekend for our church's women's retreat.  What should I do during this time?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: spurly on Wed Apr 11, 2007 - 22:58:59
Buy a bunch of new furniture for the living room, and base everything on a baseball theme.  Paint the room with the colors of your favorite team as well. 

----------------------

I am eating lunch at a Mennonite restaraunt tomorrow.  Any advice?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Apr 12, 2007 - 07:33:07
Wear a purple mohawk. You should fit in nicely.

My stupid dog will not stop barking. What can I do to safely get him to shut up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Thu Apr 12, 2007 - 15:43:44
Duct tape his mouth shut.



I've heard a rumor that the ASPCA is out to get me.  Should I be worried?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Apr 12, 2007 - 21:30:53
Nah.  If an animal welfare officer shows up, use the duct tape on on his or her mouth.


Following Spurly's advice, I've painted the living room Cardinal red.  Now, when I go into that room, I have to wear sunglasses.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Fri Apr 13, 2007 - 15:49:20
Enter only after dark; but don't trip over the couch or the cat.  It could get ugly.


The price of birdseed went up; how can I keep the birds in my yard happy?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sat Apr 14, 2007 - 14:14:43
Gary has some seeds he'll sell you that will keep your birds happy--guaranteed.

____________________________________________ __

I just heard a talking head on television say that an actor was a villian "non par excellence", and a part of my brain collapse into itself.  I'm afraid I'll need that part of my brain again in the future; what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Sat Apr 14, 2007 - 14:42:51
Stop listening to talking heads; talking feet are more down to earth.   In the meantime, you can do this --->>>::bagonface::



There's a beanstalk in my yard that reaches to the sky; should I chance going up there for a golden egg? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Apr 14, 2007 - 15:49:48
Sure, just be sure to bring your slingshot.

I can't stop eating Arby's fish sandwiches.  Is that normal?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Sun Apr 15, 2007 - 07:13:55
Nope!  I'd recommend a 12-step program that includes small doses of McDonald's burgers, fries, and milk shakes taken at regular intervals.  <burrrrppp>


If this rain keeps up, I fear it won't come down...  What can I do?   ???

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Apr 15, 2007 - 10:33:48
Dig a hole to China, let the water drain out there.

I'm in hole and it seems the more I dig, the deeper I get.  Any suggestions on how to get out?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Sun Apr 15, 2007 - 10:49:53
The problem is you're likely digging at an angle.  Have someone bring you a plumb line to make sure you're digging straight down.

____________________________________________ _____

I need to go practice Bible Bowl with the kids but the water's over the road.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Mon Apr 16, 2007 - 07:30:13
Try the backstroke...

________________

The egg is cracked; should I still eat it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon Apr 16, 2007 - 12:30:51
Boil it first. It will create fun wavy patterns in the water. Then it will be safe to eat.

My FIL is driving me insane. How I do deal with him?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Mon Apr 16, 2007 - 12:36:49
Make a trail of M&M's to the front porch, and ask him to pick them up for you.  That should keep him busy and out of your hair for awhile.   ::tearhair::  Once he's out the door, lock it behind him. 

____________
I need a hobby.  What's a good one besides scrapbooking, one-stroke painting, or collecting Mexican jumping beans?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: admin on Mon Apr 16, 2007 - 13:41:22
Alligator hunting. Duh!

===================

I need to organize my desk but really don't need to take time to do it. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon Apr 16, 2007 - 14:56:20
One word: leafblower (or should it be two?)

If I leave M&Ms, MIL will follow them out the door instead of FIL. I like her. I need to get rid of FIL!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Apr 16, 2007 - 16:15:56
Tell him his favorite ball player is on the front porch, then lock the door behind him.


I have a pair of starlings trying to build a nest in the vent pipe from my range hood.  I've already cleared out many handfuls of grass, and turn on the fan every time I hear them in there, but they keep coming back.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Apr 16, 2007 - 22:04:00
Convince Phoebes to build there instead, like they do in everything around here.

____________________________________________ ______

I'm getting tired of Phoebes nesting in every crevice they can find outside my house.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Mon Apr 16, 2007 - 22:06:29
Tell the Phoebes that nesting in every crevice in your house is what a good woman does, and thank the Phoebes for being submissive!

------------------------------------------

I am tired, but I can't seem to go to sleep, what should I do.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Tue Apr 17, 2007 - 08:02:55
I'd suggest caffeine--lots of it!  And salt...lots of salt!  It won't make you sleepy, but you'll be so wired, you can clean the house in nothin' flat.


I'm having a hard time turning the soil so I can plant my garden.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Tue Apr 17, 2007 - 17:43:16
Rent a backhoe.




Hubby wants attention because he's sick, but he's driving me nuts.  What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Tue Apr 17, 2007 - 21:06:59
Put him in a rack, and stretch him,  if a tension is what he wants.


I'm finding my job rather annoying lately, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Thu Apr 19, 2007 - 09:25:56
Maybe you're just bored.  I'd say shoot the boss with a pea-shooter and that should add more excitement to your work environment.


How can I get my husband to do more work around the house? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Apr 19, 2007 - 21:31:06
The pea-shooter will probably work there too.

___________________________

I have that really annoying Gwen Stefani song where the singers keep going "Woo-Ooh" stuck in my head.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Fri Apr 20, 2007 - 06:07:14
This is the song that never ends
It just go on and on my friends
Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was
And they'll continue singing it forever just because

This is the song that never ends.......

That should do it, you will never get THAT song out of your head.



I'm suddenly craving lamb chops, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Apr 21, 2007 - 12:33:01
Set some Ezra Lamb poetry to music.


My lawn mower ran out of gas before I finished the yard, what should I do?

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Sat Apr 21, 2007 - 21:39:14
Use scissors.



I have to be at church early tomorrow, but I want to stay up late tonight.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon Apr 23, 2007 - 15:41:30
A bottle of No-Doz should do the trick.



I can't sleep at night. What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Tue Apr 24, 2007 - 05:23:13
Quit trying.  There are plenty of fun and wholesome things to do in the middle of the night.

I don't feel like going to work today.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Apr 24, 2007 - 07:49:53
Tell them your great-aunt Bertie died. Use the same excuse next week. They'll never notice.

**************************************

My dishes are all dirty and I don't want to wash them. Any ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: OldDad on Wed Apr 25, 2007 - 16:14:01
Let your family stand around the stove and eat right out of the pots and pans!


My blood pressure medicine makes me have to "tinkle" a lot...  Any suggestions?


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Wed Apr 25, 2007 - 20:34:51
Buy a bell.  Either that or adult diapers.

____________________________

Sunday a young Sandhill Crane rose from the creek beside my car, flew alongside me for a little while, then crossed in front of me.  We see these birds around here frequently (and yes, I know the difference between a crane and a heron), but no bird book says they live in this area.  What can I do about this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Apr 26, 2007 - 06:50:37
Issue a formal letter of complaint to your congressman. He/she will be able to correct the problem.

I left the windows down in my car yesterday (since it's not air-conditioned) and it rained last night. Now my seats are all wet. What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Thu Apr 26, 2007 - 09:38:39
Take your car to the junk yard,  and buy you a new red Corvette with all the "toys",   you deserve it!!!



My desk is getting so cluttered with all the "administrative assistant" gifts.
What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Thu Apr 26, 2007 - 11:22:23
Surely there are birthdays and other events?  Regift!


What should my wife and I do in Philadelphia this weekend?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Thu Apr 26, 2007 - 11:26:44
Take a plane to Chicago.


I am out of postage stamps; how can I mail a letter?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu Apr 26, 2007 - 13:02:04
Reuse some of the stamps that you have received on letters.
_____________________________

It's starting to rain now, and they say hail may follow.  I need to go to class in an hour.  How can I keep from getting wet?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Thu Apr 26, 2007 - 13:22:04
HAIL a cab!



I have no class.  How can I get some? 


Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Apr 27, 2007 - 08:03:13
I'm sure your local Dollar Store or Wal-Mart will carry some.

Last night I went to the fair and ate half a funnel cake. This is NOT part of my diet. How can I fix this?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Fri Apr 27, 2007 - 08:06:58
You need to drink a lot of stuff to make you poop a lot.  That will cleanse you out!

---------------------------------------------

I poop too much.  Anyone have any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Fri Apr 27, 2007 - 08:13:51
Profit from your problem by bagging it and selling it along with matches to neighbors without pets who complain about those who's pets doodoo on their lawns.


What's a fun thing to do outside on a rainy day? 
(& please don't say burn a bag of doo doo on someone's porch.  The rain would put the fire out too fast.)
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: PEGGY JOYCE on Fri Apr 27, 2007 - 15:13:04
Walk in every puddle you see, and splash everyone that comes near you.



Today is Friday, and I don't have all my work done for the week.  What should I do??
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Nevertheless on Fri Apr 27, 2007 - 16:00:27
Quit your job.



I haven't cleaned my house and I have guests coming this weekend.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Fri Apr 27, 2007 - 16:10:35
Put up a sign that says "My House Was Clean Yesterday; Sorry you missed it!"


What is a good use for junk mail?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Mon Apr 30, 2007 - 22:01:51
Cut out the letters from all the junk mail, and paste them onto paper to make threatening letters.  Send them as jokes to people who love that sort of thing.  The local police, for instance, will find it very funny.


How do I get rid of dandelions without lots of dangerous chemicals?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Mon Apr 30, 2007 - 22:50:38
Wait until they become white, then blow them away.

____________________________________________ ___

I have an Al Stewart song I haven't heard in decades--Eyes of Nostradamus--running through my head.  What's wrong with me?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Fri May 04, 2007 - 11:22:04
You're definitely not well.   ::iamsick::  As a cure, I'd suggest a week of non-stop Barry Manilow music at your mp3 player's highest volume setting.   ::band::


--------------------

I want to lose 7.5 lbs.  What's the best way to do that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun May 06, 2007 - 07:36:03
Starve yourself 'till you lose 20, then eat doughnuts 'till you gain back 12.5


I keep trying the suggestions on this thread but my life is not improving.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Sun May 06, 2007 - 23:41:10
Go back to the beginning and implement them all, in order.

Everytime I clean something, DH or DS messes it up. What can I do to stop it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Mon May 14, 2007 - 21:04:12
Mess up the house and see if they clean it up for you!





I am struggling with my Sermon for Sunday Morning.  Any Ideas?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon May 14, 2007 - 22:43:46
Borrow something from Preacher's Files.

I like to take pictures, but there's nothing interesting around here to photograph. What can I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Fri May 18, 2007 - 12:53:00
Move to Hawaii.
--------------

I want to compete on American Idol, but I'm past the age limit.  How can I make them think I'm younger than dirt?   ::help::               ::band::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Fri May 18, 2007 - 17:49:00
Run for office.

How do you know when it is best to just buy a newer car or keep fixing up the old clunker?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon May 21, 2007 - 13:43:39
If you can get financing, go for the new one!

I need a nap but don't get off work for another hour and fifteen minutes. What to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: saved on Wed May 23, 2007 - 03:41:27
borrow the boss's office, she has a bigger chair.

aliens landed in my backyard and want to use me for experiments that could benefit mankind. what should i do.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Wed May 23, 2007 - 07:51:45
Go quietly, and send us a postcard.   

------------

What's a catchy phrase that will help sell my exercise videos on ebay?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Trois on Wed May 23, 2007 - 13:39:08
Nekkid Christian Gets Physical!  ::clappingoverhead:: ::headspin:: ::treadmill::






What's the best way to win the lottery?  ::afro::
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Wed May 23, 2007 - 14:45:13
Well, you obviously need as many tix as possible, so you should rob all convenience stores that sell tickets. If they resist, tell them you are on a mission from God.

My husband insists on flipping channels, and he usually lands on some special about the metal plating on some WW2 era airplane. How can I improve his sense of good tv?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: saved on Wed May 23, 2007 - 15:19:18
inject him with the dna of michael medved



my kid insists on "storing" his boogers behind his ear---any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu May 24, 2007 - 09:36:53
You can always suggest he eat the boogers instead.

I am increasingly frustrated with the lack of brain cells in one of the plants I have to work with daily. Frankly, they are driving me nuts. How can I tactfully tell them they aren't so smart?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu May 24, 2007 - 22:42:52
Plants don't have brain cells, so if this is a surprise, maybe they're not the ones you have to worry about....

__________________________________________

I'm tired and frustrated.  Is there any way I can fast forward to December?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: saved on Thu May 24, 2007 - 23:19:11
go to the smithsonian and jump in hg well's time machine.



i like the show 24----hep!!!!!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Fri May 25, 2007 - 21:23:05
Just reverse it, make it 42, which is, according to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, is the answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.

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My son needs a car, what should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sat May 26, 2007 - 11:51:07
If you love him buy him a Hummer!





It's saturday and I have to take classes all day.  Anyway to make it go by faster?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Sun May 27, 2007 - 09:16:41
Sleep through them, and before you know it, it'll be Sunday!   ::sleepingsoundly::
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How can I get my husband to help dig the holes to plant some trees I bought? 
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Weeble on Sun May 27, 2007 - 20:44:01
Bury the Remote control in the yard. Then give him a shovel and get out of his way.


My wife wants me to help her put up the clothes and I want to watch Basketball. What do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Bon Voyage on Sun May 27, 2007 - 20:53:03
Since you are the head of the household, watch the game.  Tell her to do it all by herself as you have commanded it!

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I tried the above and I am sleeping on the couch tonight.  How do I get to sleep in bed with my wife again?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue May 29, 2007 - 11:06:25
In the middle of the night, storm the room while carrying bright flashlights, an AK-47, and screaming very loud.

How do I convince my husband that I need more scrapbooking supplies?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Wed May 30, 2007 - 17:13:19
Take lots of photos of him and tell him you need a place to put them; then carefully place them at the bottom of the pile.  ::juggle::


It been too hot at night to sleep comfortably.  How can I keep cool without turning on the a/c or a fan?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Thu May 31, 2007 - 12:53:29
Fill your bed with ice before getting in.

____________________________________

I have a linguistics final tomorrow, and the stuff is making my head hurt.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Godchaser on Fri Jun 01, 2007 - 20:08:42
Take an aspirin and eat the dictionary.


My cat keeps going into heat.  What should I do??
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Mon Jun 04, 2007 - 11:40:29
Adjust its thermostat.

I hate going to work on Mondays.  Any suggestions?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Godchaser on Mon Jun 04, 2007 - 16:17:26

Quit work and go on welfare


It is cruise ship season and our town is filling up with tourists
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Tue Jun 05, 2007 - 09:32:53
Now is an ideal time to change careers to pickpocket.

What should I get DH for our anniversary?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Tue Jun 05, 2007 - 15:44:04
Buy him a toaster or nose hair clippers.  Either one would make your life better.

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I ate too many brownies last night and today I feel yucky.  What's a good remedy for gluttony?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Wed Jun 06, 2007 - 06:59:07
I find sloth goes well with gluttony.

My pants don't fit anymore and I can't get off the sofa.  Should I be worried?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Wed Jun 06, 2007 - 07:14:32
Nope. You're just like millions of other Americans. You could always call the Discovery Health channel and ask them to make a movie about your sad existence.

My dog is shedding everywhere, and I mean everywhere! My carpet is covered with wads of black fur, and I'm tired of vaccuming. I can't afford a groomer right now. What to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Thu Jun 07, 2007 - 05:31:24
Tell your mother-in-law you need her to keep the dog for a week.  He'll be all clean when you get him back.

Help!  I've fallen and I can't get up.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yemsot on Thu Jun 07, 2007 - 12:01:54
No you shouldn't get up. Ask someone to bury you there.
Hey, I'm too fat and I need to slim down. Any advice on what to do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Fri Jun 08, 2007 - 15:39:14
Only eat things that begin with the letter "Z".

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How can you tell the difference between a weed and flower?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Jun 08, 2007 - 22:42:41
Pull them all up by the roots to see.

How do I convince my husband that we DON'T need to replace our old TV with a massive big screen (for which we do not have room)?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: twd on Sat Jun 09, 2007 - 21:51:54
Buy him one and show him how poorly it fits.


What is the recommended way for selecting new elders for a congregation?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Godchaser on Sun Jun 10, 2007 - 00:18:16
Pick all the rich guys in church


I forgot to thraw anything out for dinner
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sun Jun 10, 2007 - 05:34:25
Serve meat-cicles with frozen toppings.  You family will think it is a special treat.

I have a pain in my neck.  How do I get rid of it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Godchaser on Sun Jun 10, 2007 - 12:01:28
Have your head cut off


My teenage daughter shows her belly button with the pants she wears
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yemsot on Sun Jun 10, 2007 - 14:48:03
Tell her to pull down her pants so that we can fully see what she is wearing underneath.

I'm nine months pregnant and almost due, what do I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Godchaser on Sun Jun 10, 2007 - 15:43:22
Sorry, Yemsot, but my daughter just gave you a slap in the face!! ::fit:: ::smacking::

Spare yourself labor.  Have your husband clean up a butcher knife and give you a cesarean.


My daughter is flying to England.  I want to go too.  Where can I get that kind of money?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yemsot on Mon Jun 11, 2007 - 02:49:36
Very simple. You don't have to get money. All you need to do is make urself available for the UNICEF campaign against hunger. You'll have a free ticket to England.

I need to market a school management software this week, where do i start from?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Thu Jun 14, 2007 - 12:16:43
Doesn't matter where you start, school management is an oxymoron.  (oxymormon?)

People say I have a bad attitude.  How can I make them shut up?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Fri Jun 15, 2007 - 15:21:43
Beat them up and smile while doing it so you can prove them wrong.   ::smacking::


I want to learn how to fly, but I'm afraid of heights and flying in small planes. 

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: marc on Fri Jun 15, 2007 - 18:33:09
I can give you the number of a guy who will sell you some pills that will let you fly while sitting at home in your favorite easy chair.

___________________________________

My part-time job is becoming more of a burden than it's worth.  What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Richard on Sat Jun 16, 2007 - 05:54:29
See the guy with the pills.  Flying to work should ease some of the burden.

I can't find peace.  Where is it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Sat Jun 16, 2007 - 06:24:08
Look under the carrots?

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How can I get motivated to clean the basement?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Godchaser on Fri Jun 29, 2007 - 20:21:11
Bring in a couple dead bodies from the mortuary.  Then bring in some cows and sheep and let them do their bathroom thing for awhile.  A couple opened bags of fertilizer and get some dead salmon who have gone upstream from my town in Alaska.  The smell alone now should motivate you.


I want to watch a love story movie and my husband wants to watch football.  What should we do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Jun 29, 2007 - 22:49:27
Chop the TV in half with an axe, then you can each watch what you want on your half.

I have more laundry to wash than I have hours in the day to do it. What can I do???
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yemsot on Mon Jul 02, 2007 - 07:11:47
You don't need to do laundry. You can just give the clothes to the pigs to help you do the laundry.

I'm having tooth ache, and it's causing me headache. What should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Mon Jul 02, 2007 - 07:45:35
Take a string and tie it around your aching tooth.  Tie the other end to a door knob, and slam the door shut.  Problem solved. 


How can I stop the neighbors from setting off fireworks after 11 pm?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Mon Jul 02, 2007 - 10:23:17
Do what I did a couple of years ago. Set off your own fireworks at 2am. They'll get the message.

Something is wrong with my ear this morning; it feels like someone stuffed a pea in it and it won't quit ringing. Help!
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Mon Jul 02, 2007 - 11:15:27
unplug the pea so it will quit ringing.   Or answer it and see what it wants.


How would you have replaced/treated  the prolapsed cloaca on the baby fer-de-lance I just finished doing?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Wed Jul 04, 2007 - 07:27:23
I would have first removed the offending thingie with ten ft. long tongs, then treated it badly if it was contagious.   ::headscratch:: 



This morning I was treated to a brilliant, but LOUD, fireworks display at 3:30 in the morning (I kid you not).  When I call the cops next time, what do I say to get them to come quicker?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: HiImDan on Thu Jul 05, 2007 - 00:12:04
Yuh say "hey, ya donut eatin pigs! Somebodys' got sparklers"!

My computer freezes up every time I hit it with a hammer, what  should I do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Thu Jul 05, 2007 - 17:50:52
Put it in the oven.

I keep scratching my fire ant bites.  How can I stop.
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: HiImDan on Thu Jul 05, 2007 - 20:16:49
Simple(http://images.orgill.com/200x200/6892582.JPG)

My dog just sits around all day, how can I fix her?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Thu Jul 05, 2007 - 21:02:03
One of those electric stun collars should keep her jumping.

I cannot seem to get rid of the ants in my kitchen, in spite of laying ant traps, bug bombs, and spraying. What can I possibly do?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Fri Jul 06, 2007 - 07:46:03
Call your uncles and tell them it's time to take them home.

(Seriously, try using coffee grounds on the outside area where they enter.  It worked for me.)


A bird strangely got into a wall of my home.  I rescued it, but now the wall has several holes in it.  How can I fix them without my hubby knowing.  He might be a tad upset. ::whistle:: 

Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: mandalee65 on Fri Jul 06, 2007 - 09:54:51
Add many more holes. Tell him it's art.

I am addicted to online word puzzles. How can I stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Fri Jul 06, 2007 - 17:28:07
Work offline, lie to yourself by justifying that you are honestly not online at the moment and thus fulfilling the letter of the law.  Hitting your hands with a hammer will also work.

The zoo has been broken into the last few days.  How can we get this to stop?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Fri Jul 06, 2007 - 19:49:43
Put up a sign that says "NOTICE...the 30 ft. cobra has gotten loose, along with ten deadly tarantulas, and 3 rabid bats.  Watch your step and cover your heads!  If bitten, call "dial a prayer. 'cause you're gonna die!"


My husband likes Lime Diet Coke and drinks too much of it.  How can I get him to switch to something healthier?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Sat Jul 07, 2007 - 13:00:20
Have him try e-harmony.com


I need to get my boys more excited about mowing the lawn than playing video games.  How do I do that?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Petals on Sat Jul 07, 2007 - 13:34:46
  ::eek:: very funny...Zoonance...  ::banned::   

------
Affix a TV to the mower handle, or threatening them with bodily harm might work, too.

--------------

I need to move a large dresser from one room to another.  What's the best way to do it?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Sat Jul 07, 2007 - 15:18:02
Roll them on cans of lime diet coke.

What is the best way to give a hippopottamus antibiotics?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: yemsot on Sun Jul 08, 2007 - 09:58:25
i think u should just go right in its front, open the mouth and give whatever u want to give right there into its mouth.

I'm taking a solo in church today, how should I dress?
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: Follower the Heaven Bound on Sun Jul 08, 2007 - 16:15:39
With clothes.

Redundance is redundant to me. What should I do [?]
Title: Re: Bad Advice Only
Post by: zoonance on Mon Jul 09, 2007 - 08:35:34