It was more than 30 years ago, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Saturday. My parents were going out for the evening, with my Aunt and Uncle. I was going to stay over at my cousin’s house for the duration. My cousin and I were alone.
He is two years older than I, and I always looked up to him as we were growing up. I had an older sister, by five years, but we weren’t very close while living under our parent’s roof.
While we were watching TV he said, “I’ll show you something, but you can’t tell anyone if I show you.” I agreed eagerly. My cousin then went over to one of the tables at the end of the couch. He opened the door, and pulled out a stack of magazines. As he pulled them out the stack began to fall, and magazines slid all around us. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
There was a naked woman on the front cover of every single one. I felt my heart start to race, and other reactions happening inside my body. I had never seen or heard of any magazines like this before. It took some time, of course, but my eyes finally made it up to the top of one of the covers. I saw the word “Playboy” in big bold letters.
“Where did these come from?” I asked.
“They’re my Dad’s,” he replied. As I began to turn the pages I did not have any idea that this one moment in time that I was so unprepared for, and so unable to predict, would have such a significant impact on the rest of my life. I remember feeling excited, nervous and scared all at the same time. It felt as though the state of my senses had been raised. I was scanning the room, checking the doors, and listening for people. I suddenly became very concerned that the night would come to an end before I would be able to look at every single magazine.
I began to turn pages and look through them at a feverish pace. I couldn’t get enough of these women. Their looks, dress and body positioning made them intoxicating to me; although I didn’t really understand why.
My cousin was getting nervous, and he wanted to put them away before our parents came home. I, on the other hand, did not want to do any such thing. I was determined to make it through every single magazine and see as many of these women as I possibly could. I could sense that my feelings of excitement were beginning to overtake the feeling of fear that I had earlier about being caught in the act. And so it began.
What took place that very night started a cycle of addictive behavior that I would have to battle with for the next 30 years.
Hello, my name is Ian J. Drucker. I will be writing a column for this publication on the subject of Internet Porn. I am the President of IMD Ministries, which I founded with my wife (Marti). I will be sharing a lot about my life, my personal struggles with this addiction, how my addiction impacted my marriage, and most importantly how this addiction drove me to my knees in prayer begging God for deliverance.