|
The sinful desires of my flesh screamed out to be satisfied every day afterwards
for more than 30 years. That’s how long I was addicted to pornography, and
continuously lusted for beautiful women. I know that many people may argue that
magazines like Playboy and Penthouse aren’t porn, but I would strongly disagree.
Let’s get real! Although these magazines may not show people engaging in
sexual acts, the women they show and the way they are shown definitely causes
sexual arousal. So, you may be asking, “Does that mean that the Victoria’s
Secret and similar types of catalogs are porn?” To me, the answer is YES!
I say that because I was addicted to them as well. I couldn’t wait until
I could get my hands on the next Victoria’s Secret catalog. I am really saddened
because I know first hand the damage that our society is causing to an entire
generation of boys, that will eventually grow up (physically at least) to be men.
This, however, is the subject of another column. In
the initial stages of my addiction the act of satisfying the desires of my flesh
was followed by guilt, shame and sadness. This feeling would subside in time;
and the desire would build up until I satisfied it again. This cycle would repeat
itself over and over. With each cycle the feelings of guilt, shame and sadness
diminished. Eventually, as I continued to feed it, my addiction grew to the point
that these feelings were squelched, so much so, that they almost completely disappeared.
The feelings of shame and guilt were replaced by a feeling of permissiveness.
While in my twenties, visiting strip clubs (gentlemen clubs, etc.) became an integral
part of my life. It got to the point that I actually considered it to be healthy
red-blooded American male behavior, as I had adopted a worldly view of most things.
I would visit them a few times a week. I looked forward to the outings, and it
was the anticipation of the excitement to come that gave me the drive, strength
and energy to make it through the week. I
would talk openly about going to strip clubs after work with my co-workers. Beyond
and worse than that, I would go around the office and try to talk people into
going on each outing with me and others (which didn’t include only men by
the way). I had grown to really enjoy going to these clubs, and I became very
disappointed whenever I could not visit one; when and where I wanted. I have to
admit that saying I really enjoyed these outings is a bit of an understatement.
The truth is that I grew to crave them. It is sad, but true, that these outings
became addictive. I found myself scheduling my work day and developing work habits
that would ensure my flexibility to leave the office at specific times, based
on the women that I knew would be dancing on a specific day. Anyone in this situation
knows exactly what I’m talking about. It gets to the point that you know
the schedules of your favorite dancers. Eventually, their schedule becomes your
schedule. Galatians
5:16-17 indicates, “So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify
the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary
to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are
in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.”
I have always believed
that God exists, and that He loves me. I am confident that even before I became
a Christian, the Holy Spirit was trying to convict me of my sinfulness. I believe
that it was the Holy Spirit that encouraged me and worked within me to create
the feelings of shame and sadness. The Holy Spirit was trying to convince me that
my thoughts and actions were sinful. I
became a baptized believer in and follower of Jesus Christ in 1993. I came to
Christ with a tremendous amount of baggage which included an addiction to porn.
I was also the product of a broken home, I was sexually abused and I had one failed
marriage. Need I say more? I thank God every day, that He accepts us as we are,
baggage included. I am so thankful for Jesus because I know that I am the exact
type of person that He came to earth to save. Since
my baptism, the Holy Spirit has really been at work on and within me. The Holy
Spirit has been in conflict with my sinful nature. It is this very real Spiritual
War that has created the battleground atmosphere within my innermost being.
I know that I can’t
undo the past, or right all of the wrongs that I have committed. I wish that I
could. However, I know that I must face each day with the renewed mind and heart
that I have as a new creation in Christ. While God accepts us where we are, I
am convinced that He doesn’t want us to stay that way. I am a firm believer
that our old sinful nature must die, and that we must learn to live by the Spirit.
For me that was quite a challenge and it took quite a few years. The point is
that we don’t have a choice; it is something that we are told to do. It is
a journey, and each person’s walk with the LORD in this regard is going to
be very different. People
often ask me if I’m still tempted, now that God has delivered me from my
addiction. The answer is, yes! Of course I am, and quite frequently. The difference,
however, is that I now know that I must fight off and fight through the temptation,
rather than give in to it. -Ian
Drucker Discuss
this article on our Christian
message forum.
You
can learn more about Ian's story and learn about IMD Ministries by visiting www.imdministries.org
|
