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was a position that she did not want to take on. She definitely would have preferred
that I lived up to the role and fulfilled the duties, responsibilities and obligations
that God put before me as the head of the family. My
addiction also forced my wife and me to have a very destructive and awkward relationship
with each other for some time. This came about as a result of her having to monitor
my behavior. In effect, she became my mother. She had to check-up on me periodically
to make sure that I wasn’t doing anything that I wasn’t suppose to be
doing, and to make sure that I wasn’t indulging the sinful cravings of my
addiction. There
were times that when she was carrying out the duties of this position that I became
very angry at and very hostile towards her. I resented the questions; the doubt
and the lack of trust. Over time I came to realize that this was something that
I was forcing her to do. She didn’t want to do it, but she was willing to
do it out of the love she had for me; and out of the desire that she had for me
to be free from the addiction. She hated the fact that I was stuck in this pattern
of behavior. She hated how it was affecting my relationship with God, and she
hated what it was doing to my relationship with her. She felt as though the beauty
and intimacy of our marital covenant was disintegrating right before her eyes.
She wasn’t willing to accept what the final outcome might be, so she decided
to fight for me. In the book “Wild at Heart”, John Eldridge talks about
the desires of a woman. A woman wants the man in her life to be willing to fight
for her. This situation had been reversed in our case, due to my addiction. My
wife was now thrust into a position in which she had to fight for me. Notice the
indication of her having to fight for, not with, me! Once
I was able to be honest with myself, I realized that I deserved and needed every
bit of the monitoring and checking-up on me that she was doing. The Holy Spirit
convicted me of my need to rid myself of this behavior, and I decided that I had
to do whatever was necessary to be victorious. As a result, my wife and I decided
to try and turn this destructive issue into a productive issue. We agreed that
she would become one of my key accountability partners. It worked well for us
due to the fact that my wife is also my best friend. She was able to handle the
responsibilities of this role, without it permanently affecting her opinion of
or the love she felt for me. In this regard I have been truly blessed. This is
not an easy task, and may not work well in some relationships. In this role she
periodically asked me how I was doing with my abstinence, and I promised to always
answer truthfully. The critical element here was the ability and willingness for
me to answer truthfully. It was hard, but I did always answer her truthfully even
when I new it would hurt. In addition, I agreed to confess to her whenever I was
being tempted. Her role when I was being tempted was not sexual. On the contrary,
it was spiritual. Hebrews
4:13 was the scripture referenced for this understanding because it clearly says;
“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered
and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
There were, however,
many times that she had her own struggles with her feelings about me. At times,
she lost respect for me. At times she was very angry with me. At times she was
very afraid that our marriage would never be restored to the sanctified nature
for which God had meant for it to be. Through
my sinful behavior, I had unknowingly also opened her up to the destructive influence
of Satan. She was becoming convinced that she would never be able to live up to
the expectations of looks and behavior of which I seemed to think was the ideal
woman. This put a halt on our sex life for some time. Initially, this was due
to her anger and not wanting to be intimate with me. She wanted to punish me for
the damage that I caused. However, even after she forgave me and her anger dissipated,
my wife was plagued with feeling the presence of other women in the bedroom with
us when we were intimate. This caused the exact opposite reaction of what I was
trying to have happen, because it caused my wife to withdraw and pull back from
me sexually. I was actually reaping the harvest of the sins I had committed. This
also made me think that I may have delivered the final and fatal blow to our relationship.
It took a fair amount
of time and honest communication with each other and God, before she was able
give freely and completely of herself to me again. Through this process my sexual
desires were, also redirected to her and to her alone. We have talked about this
often, and we are in agreement that what has taken place is a result of God’s
direct intervention, in answer to our prayers. On our own, we would not have been
able to overcome the pain, anger and damage that I had brought into our marriage.
We praise and thank
God for renewing our relationship, and for giving me the strength that I need
everyday to be the spiritual leader that God wants me to be for my wife and family.
-Ian
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