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I felt hopeless. I also felt compelled to take my own life, thinking that death
would be the only way out of an inescapable and very consuming addiction. I thought
that my wife and family would be better off without me around. I came very
close a number of times. This prompting became extremely strong after a number
of cycles in which my wife discovered me surfing the Internet for porn, after
I had promised never to do it again. I
will never forget the night she caught me in the act after I promised again, to
stop. The look on her face revealed more pain than I could bear. I saw in her
eyes a cold stare that I had never seen before. She seemed to be looking right
through me, as if she didn’t know who I was. It was then that I realized
that I may loose her for the rest of my life. Suddenly, the pain of my sin overtook
the pleasure that I had been experiencing from the act of my sin. I pray to God
that I never have to see that look on my wife’s face again. I am now aware
that Satan would have been very happy and satisfied if he could have influenced
me enough to the point that I pulled the trigger on myself. 2
Timothy 2:25-26 indicates, “Those who oppose him (A Workman Approved by
God) he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance
leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses
and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.”
During the times
of my addiction I opposed many workmen approved by God. If I had in fact killed
myself, as I believe that Satan was whispering for me to do, then I never would
have come to the point of repentance and faith in Christ Jesus. That means that
I would have been condemned for all eternity. I still get chills up and down my
spine every time I realize how close I was to that becoming my reality. I am so
thankful that God has granted me repentance, and that I was led to the knowledge
of the truth that is found only in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I
am also very aware that such a decision would have caused a great deal of pain
to my family and friends. The ripple affect that would have resulted if I did
commit suicide, would have been far reaching. That, however, was not a major concern
during the time I was contemplating my fate. I can’t say for sure why I never
really went through with it. All I can say is that I was spared by the grace of
God. It is interesting
that one of my favorite Bible verses is now Romans 8:28. It states, “And
we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have
been called according to his purpose.” The
fact that I am now saved is nothing short of a miracle. It seems so unlikely given
that I was born and raised in the Jewish faith, that I have had a terrible addiction
which started at age 13 and that I did not accept and believe in Jesus Christ
until I was 33 years old (I am now 44). Our God is an awesome God. He has a plan
and purpose for my life. Now free from my addiction (not from temptation), I have
been called by God to spend the rest of my life working to seek first His kingdom
and His righteousness; and to help others by leading them to Jesus Christ. I know
that I am, with the power of the Holy Spirit, more than a conqueror. Therefore,
I am able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. I
want to encourage anyone reading this article that is suffering with these same
issues to stop thinking about suicide. Suicide is not the answer. The answer is
Jesus! It is time for you to develop a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
Do not give up hope. Do not take your life. Know that God loves you, and that
He wants you to be saved by His grace and your faith in His Son Jesus Christ.
Life is worth living, and will be eternal, when you decide to live it for Jesus. -Ian
Drucker Discuss
this article on our Christian
message forum. You
can learn more about Ian's story and learn about IMD Ministries by visiting www.imdministries.org
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Seeing the Unseen: Preparing
for Spiritual War
by Joe Beam In
this bestseller, Joe Beam reveals Satan's powerful weaponry--his lies, deceptions,
and manipulations--and unmasks his strategy to destroy your life. This is a dedicated
study of God's Word and a sharing of stories of tragedy and triumph. Click here to purchase. |
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