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Bad Advice Only

Started by admin, Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 11:15:02

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Nevertheless

Buy a sheep.

My MIL is coming to visit.  What do I do?

Dennis

Move and leave no forwarding address

I need to come up with an appropriate 30th anniversary present for my wife.  What do I do?

Bon Voyage

Get her a new vacuum.  Women absolutely love anniversery vacuums.

I'm having a problem going poo poo poo, how do I stay regular?   ::walkingdog::

James Rondon

Eat more cheese.

----------

I am wondering whether I should sell my house or not... Any advice?

Bon Voyage

Burn it and collect the insurance.

The little old lady that sits behind me during corporate worship is really off key when she sings (I do thank God we use instruments).  What should I do?

James Rondon

Sit behind her next week, and try to throw her off. Keep changing pitch, mix up the words, and let your voice crack a few times. Do this until she moves... It probably won't be long.

----------

A few of the older ladies that I meet with for corporate worship have a really hard time hearing, and constantly ask for things to be repeated... Any ideas?

Follower the Heaven Bound


James Rondon

You're supposed to answer, then ask for advice, Follower.

admin

Quote from: James Rondon on Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 23:47:06

A few of the older ladies that I meet with for corporate worship have a really hard time hearing, and constantly ask for things to be repeated... Any ideas?

Tell the ladies before you start worship that today's message is living quite lives. So we are going to be playing a religious version of quite mouse. If they can't hear you, that's why, and if they ask for something to be repeated, they'll lose the game.

My 1 and 1/2 year old keeps taking up the air conditioner vents in our floor. Suggestions?

James Rondon

Wire them to the electrical outlets... Every time your little one touches one of them, they'll get a nice little jolt.

----------

My wife has a lot of work that she is trying to get done at the house, and needs help with it... What should I do?

admin

James,

Quick! Drive to your local golf course. You'll get out of the work and you'll help your local economy.

James Rondon


twd

Explain to her that it is her wifely duty, and, if she isn't getting it all done, she's falling short of what God expects of her.

------------------

The trim around the roof of my two story house needs repainting.  What should I do?

James Rondon

Explain to your wife that it is her wifely duty, and, if she isn't getting it all done, she's falling short of what God expects of her.

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A friend of mine is in jail, and asked me to come visit him twice a week... Any advice?

marc

Explain to your wife that it is....no, never mind that.

Wouldn't it be much better if you were able to see him even more than he's asked?  I would suggest armed robbery of a police station.  Then you'll be able to spend quality time with your friend.

____________________________________

The church I'm teaching at tomorrow night is more conservative than I am, and I want to be careful not to offend them.  Any suggestions?

twd

Start out by explaining that you realize that they aren't as spiritually mature as you are, and don't grasp the weightier matters, but that you will condescend to teach them anyway, as long as they promise not to question any of it.

-----------------

Now, about my trim that needs painting?

James Rondon

Quote from: twd on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 19:33:24
Start out by explaining that you realize that they aren't as spiritually mature as you are, and don't grasp the weightier matters, but that you will condescend to teach them anyway, as long as they promise not to question any of it.

I thought that this was the bad advice thread...

Jimbob

Quote from: twd on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 19:33:24
Start out by explaining that you realize that they aren't as spiritually mature as you are, and don't grasp the weightier matters, but that you will condescend to teach them anyway, as long as they promise not to question any of it.

-----------------

Now, about my trim that needs painting?
Use one of those high pressure washers filled with paint instead of water and do it from the ground.


I've got too many weeds in the yard.  How should I get rid of them?

James Rondon

Smoke em!

----------

It looks like another bad hurricane season this year... Any thoughts?

marc

Invest all of your money in Acme Weather Control, inc.  pm me, and I'll give you the address to send the check.

------------------------------------

I have so much on my mind I can't think clearly about any one thing.

Jimbob

Sounds like a good time to do some multitasking.


I'm teaching a class at camp in a few weeks.  What should I teach?

James Rondon

A twenty-five part lesson series on "Modesty".

----------

I'm behind on most, if not all of my bills... What should I do?

Bon Voyage

Become a Jehovah's Witness vacuum salesman.  You can sell vacuums and tell folks about being a Witness.  2 birds with one stone!

I have a problem with figuring out what question I should ask.  What should I do?

marc

(jmg, your suggestion is, unfortunately, being followed.)

JB, just copy someone else's question.  No one will notice.

------------------------------------------------

I have a problem with figuring out what question I should ask.  What should I do?

twd

Quote from: James Rondon on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 21:14:39
A twenty-five part lesson series on "Modesty".
Hey, did you go to the same camp I went to as a kid?

yogi bear

Quote from: marc on Sun Jun 04, 2006 - 21:54:01
(jmg, your suggestion is, unfortunately, being followed.)

JB, just copy someone else's question.  No one will notice.

------------------------------------------------

I have a problem with figuring out what question I should ask.  What should I do?

just copy someone else's question.  No one will notice.

I have a problem with figuring out what question I should ask.  What should I do?



James Rondon

Ask Marc and JerryBrooke.

----------

I don't get any Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons knocking on my door anymore... What should I do?

yogi bear

Join your local Mormon congergation and desperse the witness to your house

I dont want to work any more what shall I do

James Rondon

Open up a lawnmower repair business... I heard there's big money there.

----------

There's a big fly buzzing around my living room... Any recommendations?

Nevertheless

12 gauge shotgun should do the trick.

Hubby wants to buy a new car.  What should I do?

James Rondon

Get a new hubby.

----------

I'm really hungry for cake, but I already had a piece... What should I do?

Nevertheless

Eat three pieces.


Bugs are coming through my screens, Help!

James Rondon

Light the house on fire... That should get rid of 'em.

----------

I've got a bad bug bite on my arm, that I really want to scratch... Any advice?

Nevertheless

Use a wood rasp.

My lampshade is old and ugly.  What should I do?

Jimbob

Convert into your "Sunday goin' to church" hat.


My basement has two feet of water standing in it.  How do I fix it?

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