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Bad Advice Only

Started by admin, Sat Jun 03, 2006 - 11:15:02

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

DCR

Run an extension cord from an electrical outlet down to the water, plug in a vacuum cleaner, and just vacuum up the water a little bit at a time.  Once you get up all the water, build a big, roaring fire in the basement.  That should help dry up the remaining wetness.

I have a big stump in front of my house that needs to be removed.  How do I get rid of it?

James Rondon

Go to the hardware store and buy about a dozen axes. Then pay a bunch of kids in your neighborhood a couple of dollars each, and tell them to hack away.

----------

I have a headache, and it's getting worse as the day wears on... Any advice?

Jimbob

Go watch the children at the McDonald's playground for a while (indoor is best) and then watch The View.


There's a clanking sound coming from inside the trunk of the car.  What should I do?

twd

Drive the car off a cliff (be sure to step out of it first), collect the insurance, and buy a new one that doesn't have a clanking sound.

---------------------------------------

My CokeTM is flat.  What should I do?

july8

drink it as fast as u can so u can't taste it


i have a breathing problem, what should i do?

(breathing problem: just kiddinglol)

Bon Voyage

start smoking.

I think I have a hemorrhoid, what should I do?

july8

lol, i don't know what that is but maybe u should die


i hate cheese, what should i do about it

Bon Voyage

get a hemorrhoid.

What should I do about the Pistons losing the Eastern Conference Finals?

James Rondon

start smoking.

---------

I have a really hectic week ahead of me... Any advice?

twd

Put a plastic bag over your head.  The breathing problem will go away sooner or later.  It may not help you with your spelling of pronouns, though.

My arm hurts, any ideas?

Jimbob

Put it in a vice until it's good and numb.


I need to know to know how to pick a good Limburger cheese.

Follower the Heaven Bound

Don't.

Last week of school, suspense killing me? Any ideas?

Bon Voyage

Put laxative in the principal's coffee.  That will lighten your mood.

I have a problem with not getting enough fiber in my diet.  What should I do?

Weeble

Well cows eat grass so you should eat more Beef!


My nose runs when I stand on my head. How do you get it to stop?

twd

C-clamp.

There are too many rabbits in the neighborhood.  Ideas?

Jimbob

Neighborhood bunny-fry.


We have squirrels eating all the birdseed.  How do I stop them?

DCR

Duh.  Poison the birdseed.


I have a shaky floor that causes dishes to rattle whenever someone walks on it.  What should I do about this?

Jimbob

Get paper plates.....no wait, that would work, so is that bad advice?


My toilet sometimes runs if I don't jiggle the handle on the way out. 

marc

How many people do I have to tell about the dangers of indoor plumbing?  GET AN OUTHOUSE ALREADY!!!!

--------------

I'm so tired my eyes are crossing.  Any gusesstions?

Trinity

Staple them straight onto your head, or you can overdose on some sleep aids then you don't have to worry about being tired anymore.

__________________________________



What do I do about the stray cats hanging around my house?

marc

I know a website that has some good recipes.

___________________

There are tiny little gnomes dancing on my keyboard.  Should I be worried?

Trinity

Only if they bite.


What do I do about this pain in my wrist?

DCR

If thy wrist offendeth thee, cut it off.

...

I got these moles that dig up my yard.  What should I do about them?

Trinity

Bury them in the holes that they dig... alive, with their head poking out of the ground.




What do I do about constantly bickering children?

James Rondon

Whatever you do... don't discipline them!!!

----------

Tomorrow is 6/6/6... Any thoughts?

twd

Go with the European date convention, so instead of 6/6/6, it'll be ... oh, never mind.

--------------------

Weeds keep coming up in my vegetable garden.  Ideas?

marc

Quote from: Trinity on Mon Jun 05, 2006 - 22:15:02
Only if they bite.

Interesting response, since "They Bite" is the name of a classic short horror story by Anthony Boucher about little people who live in the California desert.    ::pondering::

marc

Quote from: twd on Tue Jun 06, 2006 - 07:37:06
Go with the European date convention, so instead of 6/6/6, it'll be ... oh, never mind.

--------------------

Weeds keep coming up in my vegetable garden.  Ideas?

Plant your weeds somewhere else, not in the middle of your vegetables.  That was a silly thing to do.

-------------

I got up before my alarm clock went off but didn't shut it off.  I can hear it going crazy in my bedroom right now.  What should I do?

Jimbob

Do you own a shotgun?




My coffee's getting cool, how should I get it warm again?

DCR

Open the hood on your vehicle, set the coffee in there, and start your engine.  You'll find that it is an excellent heating source.


There's a lady down the hall who has a habit of laughing very loudly.  How should I address this?

Jimbob

Oh yes, definitely.  And most people prefer the direct approach, perhaps something like "Woman, shut your yap and get to work.  My coffee's getting cold."  I think that will be very effective and conducive to a positive work environment.


The cable company keeps calling to see if I want to upgrade.  What should I tell them?

tidbit

Upgrade and order everything they offer.  Next time they call you can tell them it is impossible for you to upgrade.


My wife is out of town until Friday.  What should I do while she is away?

Jimbob

Eat everything in the fridge, dirty all the dishes, let the dog(s) in but not out, don't mow the lawn and do not--do not bathe.


I did all the above and I'm not sure my wife took it as intended.  How do I make it up to her?

Bon Voyage

Buy her a vacuum.  Women love vacuums.

I have that Arkansas song in my head.  How do I get rid of it?

spurly

Listen to 18 hours of funeral dirges.

------------

My gut is hanging over my belt too far, how do I get rid of it?

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