I am need advice from other christians out there. My husband and I have been married 20 years this year. Just this past summer he has started traveling more and more with his job. They need parts to be delivered to a job site and he offers to go. These trips started out day trips, but now recently have been over night trips. Usually every two weeks, like clock work, he's off to another job site. His employer is pretty easy going and allows us to go with him if we want. Normally though, with kids in school, I've not been able to go with him. Last week he had a job out of town and was going to be gone over night. We've had some distance betweenus lately, so I thought that this might be a good time for us to just be together alone. When I asked him if I could ride along, he said no, maybe next time. I was somewhat hurt. He didn't lffer any other explanation. I was starting to feel a little suspecious. You know, that gut feeling that we sometimes get. We'll, when he returned hom, he left his bag of clothes on the table. I decided to look to see if there was anything out of the ordinary in the bag and came across $200 in cash. Now, we are struggling financially and trust me, we never have that kind of money sitting around. So....what did he need it for? Yesterday then, I'm putting away laundry and to my astonishment, I found a pair of ladies hose in his drawer that had obviously come off of someone. Theywere waded up, turned inside out. I am just sick. Why won't God lead me to knowing the truth about what is really going on? Or is he?? I have not confronted my husband yet because I am not fully prepared. I'm not sure if it's because I know he'll have an excuse, or if it's because I doubt myself. I am at a loss and feeling like God isn't anywhere near. I feel bad for feeling that way because I know the truth that He is with me always. I have prayed and prayed, and shed many tears.
My heart goes out to you. I think you do need to confront him. Most likely he will deny it, but there's no other logical reason for him to have pantyhose in his bag of clothes (unless he's cross dressing, which could be just as disturbing).
There are several other threads in this forum along these same lines...
Read other people's stories.
My husband cheated on me. We separated over that and some other reasons. We did work through it though and are approaching 27 years together. :)
Is there a women's ministry at your church or a counselor that works with women? They can be a good resource.
Although it does sound suspicious, don't jump to any conclusions just yet...It does sound weird that there was "pantyhose" in his clothing...But for the sake of reason, just lay it to the side for the moment...
First thing I would do is go to the Lord in prayer...Even if it takes a couple of days and many hours of quiet time...Seek God's wisdom in this matter...Only then would I sit down with him...Quitely place the pantyhose on the table in front of him and ask him to explain..LISTEN to his responce...Watch his facial expressions..You know him well after 20 years together...
What ever you do, do not approach him in a defensive or combative way...Do not get all emotional.. Yelling, crying, etc...The conversation will end before it really began..That is why it is vitally important to go to the Lord first here..Ask the Lord for his guidance and peace in this situation...When you are comfortable, go to him...
Let us know how this goes...We will be here ready to give any advice and prayer we can... ::groupprayer::
By the way, I did not pick up on any abuse issues here...But for the sake of being cautious, if there is a risk of him harming you if you confront him, do not do it...That will require much more thought from me or any others here...
God Bless,
Mac
Thank you for sharing your problem with us. I'm sure it wasn't easy. I am so sorry for your situation.
You are a very strong woman to not have confronted your husband when you first found the hosiery. If he's not having an affair, he could be a crossdresser who enjoys putting on women's clothing while out of town. You never know. ::shrug::
My ex-husband left clues for six months before I actually caught him with someone. He'd forget and leave the passenger door unlocked, etc. He worked midnights and would often be home a few hours later than he should have been. It ends up he was having an affair with a waitress at a restaurant. Who would suspect it when he said he was just having breakfast with a coworker after his shift ended or was working overtime? They say that when people sin, they subconsciously make mistakes as if they want to get caught. I didn't want to believe he could be unfaithful, so I tried to ignore all the signs. If you are feeling insecure and suspicious, it is because your husband is giving you reasons to react that way. You are also a wise woman to get your ducks in a row before you present what you have found to your husband. If he's cheating, there will be other clues, too, and ways to find out for sure. (A friend following him, a private investigator, you showing up unannounced on one of his trips...)
What would you do if he denied things? Is he the type that can convince you it was all "innocent," even if it wasn't? If he was/is having an affair, would you want to stay and try to work things out? As a Christian, you would have the right to file for divorce and leave, but 20 years is a lot of time invested in your marriage, and it would be a tragedy to see your life together end. Especially since you have children.
Sometimes guys just go middle-aged crazy and want to know they are still attractive to someone besides their wife. Maybe counseling with an unbiased, competent pastor could help you work through this, if you feel that you can forgive and not bring up the matter again later on.
You are definitely in a tough situation. I know the pain of a broken heart when you find your husband is unfaithful. It is excruciating and it was only with the strength from the Lord through Christian family and friends that helped me make it safely to the other side of the divorce with all its sorrow. Whatever happens, hold to the Lord's hands, and take it minute by minute if you have to. He has a plan that will be to your benefit, even if a divorce is in your future. No matter what happens, He will be there with you, walking side by side through your valley.
May God minister to your needs, and give you wisdom as to how to proceed.
::prayinghard::
You are certainly in a tough situation, and I pray that God might grant you strength. IMO, the pantyhose is pretty convincing evidence that your husband is being unfaithful. While it is not absolute proof, it is certainly enough to confront him. The sooner the better.
Thank you everyone for your advice. It has helped ease the feeling of being all alone a little more.
Mac, I have been thinking a lot about your advice and I've decided to handle the situation in the way you suggested. I can say one thing for sure, I know that God, my Father, is with me. There is no other reason to explain the calmness that I have right now. Not saying that I'm not upset, because , believe me, I am. I have been so sick to my stomach since I found this evidence. But I'm not panicking.
I do find that I keep going back and questioning myself......am I sure they are not mine. I know, that I know, they are not. So with that being said....... I have doubts that he is cross dressing, even though that thought did briefly enter my mind. I would be equally as devastated if this were the case. I'm thinking though that if he were cross dressing, wouldn't I find other articles of clothing?
I am going to the Lord in prayer continually. I start feeling down when I'm not feeling Him, or seeing Him working in my life. I start asking why, was I not a good enough wife, what did I do wrong, what didn't I do........
I would really be grateful for more advice. I cannot talk to anyone here. I do not want to burden my closest friends/family, and frankly, I'm not sure who to trust, other than God.
Oh...one last thing. Thank you all for your prayers. Would you all please keep praying for me, for wisdom, and to have a Christ- like heart? Thanks again.
I will pray.
love,
Sopranette
: limille Mon Oct 06, 2008 - 06:20:56
Oh...one last thing. Thank you all for your prayers. Would you all please keep praying for me, for wisdom, and to have a Christ-like heart? Thanks again.
I will pray. It seems to me that your heart is in the right place.
I just want to say something to you that someone said to me when I was in a similar situation.
God works ALL things together for good. Going through trials like this, makes us stronger, makes us grow.
I believe that God can use this trial in a powerful way in your life.
You will be able to be an encouragement and support to other women going through difficult times.
God Bless
P.S.
Petals wrote:
Sometimes guys just go middle-aged crazy and want to know they are still attractive to someone besides their wife. Maybe counseling with an unbiased, competent pastor could help you work through this, if you feel that you can forgive and not bring up the matter again later on.
Forgiving was a lot harder for me than I thought it would be. The whole intimacy issue is hard to deal with. Trust? I know that he has not cheated on me, in any sense of the word since he has moved back home. I trust his word... but on the rare occasion when he's late in getting home, my mind still goes there. Where is he? What is he doing? Who is he with? I don't let myself stay there though.
If he denies it..ask him to take a lie detector test...if he denies that..you have your answer!! ::frown::
Today was a rough day. I just cannot keep my head in the game. Every time I found my mind wondering to "what if" I stopped myself and took it to God in prayer.
I keep doubting myself, doubting that my husband of 20 years could be cheating. I guess it's denial......
I keep questioning myself, why would he have these in his drawer. What excuse is he going to give, and I know he'll have one. I would be totally shocked if he would confess to doing anything wrong. I'm beating myself up over this. Last night while thinking about all this, it occurred to me, has he had someone here, in our house, in our bed and this was left behind. But then reasoning it....wouldn't who ever it was, miss the fact that her panty hose were missing? Is it an attempt to get him caught?
We have children and this is going to devistate their world and everything they believe in if this is what it looks like.
Just keep going to God in prayer about it.
I think you should find a counselor to talk this through with. You need to have a plan.
I don't think there is a reason to tell the kids about this at this time. If your husband persists in his ways, they will learn about it soon enough.
I really believe that one of the reasons my husband decided to get help and change his ways was he realized how badly it would affect our daughter. She was a preschooler at the time and was aware of what was going on to a certain degree. She was the one who told me that daddy was sleeping with Marie. Yeah, I know, nice.
W8ing4daybreak, I am so sorry for what your husband did to you and your daughter. What is wrong with people!?!!
I will think about the counselling. I know that I cannot keep going like I am. I finally told my sister what is going on. Both my parents are no longer living, and I only have my sister. She is trying to prepare me for what is probably laying ahead. you're right, I do need a plan on how to handle everything, emotions especially.
I did want to share a praise to God with everyone. I keep a prayer journal. For a long while, I've felt the distance between my husband and myself and cried out to God to show me the way. On Sept 30, I wrote the following:
"Father God, you know the insecurities that I carry in my heart, in my marriage. My husband shows signs that his heart is straying. God only you and him know that answer. I pray Lord that you will not let me stay in the dark, if there is something here. I am walking in faith God."
This was my entry one week ago today. It was answered Saturday.
Ok... so you have the panty hose, and you have the fact that when you wanted to go with him he said no... and you have the advice that someone gave to stay calm and not to be combative or to confront... Now what?
If you keep this in, and don't confront, you hide his lie, and give him more time to come up with answers or to do more than he has.
Not me... I'm for speaking up, asking upfront what the deal is... Sure He can deny it, as he probably will, but at the very least I'd tell him I'm not a fool and I don't intend to be played for a fool.
If you think you can confront him without getting emotional and upset... you deceive yourself. I have yet to know a woman who confronted her husband on infidelity without emotion or getting upset.... that my dear is a man thing. It keeps you in line and keeps you accountable for what happens next. No thanks to that too.
I'd put the responsibility right where it belongs, in his lap... like it or not. When he came home for dinner, the panty hose would be sitting on the plate. When he asked "what is this"... I'd say... "You tell me big boy".... "Are you wearing them or are you keeping them for a friend?"... and I'd add... "those are your only two choices also".
You will know by the look on his face what your real answer is.... How long will you torture yourself for something you did not do? Ask the man if he is cheating and ask him to try on the panty hose to prove it. God bless.
Kensington, I love your straightforward answers. ::hug:: You rightly state that Christians do not have to sit back and be meek little victims. God gave us common sense, and it's up to us to use it.
If I were in your position I would definately have to speak to him now. I couldnt go on with this 'not knowing'.
I am surprised that he hasnt noticed that anything is wrong with you anyway, unless you are very good at hiding things or that he is very bad at noticing that anything is wrong.
I would be as suspicious as you are with him not wanting you to go on that trip and the discovery of the panty hose, although why would he put them in his drawer if they belonged to another lady?.If she had accidently left them there, he would have got rid of them surely and not left them somewhere where you could have found them?.So, not sure about that unless he is using them to wear himself but again, wouldnt he keep them hidden somewhere?
I dont know why you have to delay, and keep on suffering and not knowing, I think it would be better for you to know the truth than to be thinking all sorts of possible senarios, many of which may well be worse than the truth. So if it were me I would face him and talk it out asap.
: kensington Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 13:50:54
Ok... so you have the panty hose, and you have the fact that when you wanted to go with him he said no... and you have the advice that someone gave to stay calm and not to be combative or to confront... Now what?
kensington, I guess you were talking about me with the advice to stay calm and not be combative...I do not know who said not to confront her husband..I told her to go to the Lord in prayer to seek wisdom and guidance
before confronting him...
: kensington Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 13:50:54
If you keep this in, and don't confront, you hide his lie, and give him more time to come up with answers or to do more than he has.
Very true here...But, I really do not know how he would explain away the panty hose thing...
: kensington Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 13:50:54
Not me... I'm for speaking up, asking upfront what the deal is... Sure He can deny it, as he probably will, but at the very least I'd tell him I'm not a fool and I don't intend to be played for a fool.
This is precisely why I said to go to the Lord first and remain calm...Yea, you may "get in his grill" and let him know you are nobodies fool, but then what? Do you have a knock down drag out when he denies it? That is why I said take some time..Have a plan of action that the Lord has laid on her heart..He WILL guide her...We tend to mess things up when we allow our emotions to run our life and dictate our actions...
: kensington Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 13:50:54
If you think you can confront him without getting emotional and upset... you deceive yourself. I have yet to know a woman who confronted her husband on infidelity without emotion or getting upset.... that my dear is a man thing. It keeps you in line and keeps you accountable for what happens next. No thanks to that too.
What is a man's thing? Not being emotional? Not at all...I am a man..I know...I am very emotional...It is called having self control...Not suppressing emotions...Believe me, it absolutely possible to show emotions with out blowing your stack..Again, that is why I said go to the Lord first...
: kensington Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 13:50:54
I'd put the responsibility right where it belongs, in his lap... like it or not. When he came home for dinner, the panty hose would be sitting on the plate. When he asked "what is this"... I'd say... "You tell me big boy".... "Are you wearing them or are you keeping them for a friend?"... and I'd add... "those are your only two choices also".
I like it...That is a hoot...Definitely will get the point across...
: kensington Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 13:50:54
You will know by the look on his face what your real answer is.... How long will you torture yourself for something you did not do? Ask the man if he is cheating and ask him to try on the panty hose to prove it. God bless.
I agree. That is why I told her to watch his facial expressions...She knows him better than himself in that regard..She has spent 20 years watching his reaction to things...He only see's himself in the mirror..No one is advising her to torture herself...For my own advice, I was asking her to take it to the Lord for a couple days max...Just be in the right frame of mind..And yes, I have been there before..Woman aren't the only one's with cheating spouses...
I didn't really find anything wrong with your advice Mac, I just disagree... Basically. She is going to let this eat at her until she does blow up or falls apart.
I'm for the first one if I have a choice actually. Once you fall apart for a man who is cheating, then he sees that as his advantage and goes for the juggler... the next thing you know, He is convincing you that you caused him to cheat... and he is the Poor baby who had not choice.
GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! I think she should be confronting him sooner than later... and not trying to talk herself out of it. The more she tries to cope and deal with it the more confused she will be.
She has had some great advice here... and now it's time to ask the man the question. My only other advice to her would be... Hire that PI and get the REAL goods on him if you want to be absolutely sure... but panty hose... are pretty much in your face in the evidence area. I got from her post that she could tell they were not new panty hose.... and my husband would have woke up with those babies on his head by now!!
Another idea.... Take them to him and go... "Oh honey, you are so sweet.. you bought me panty hose! I LOVE YOU.. Oh... wait a minute... are these USED?" (looking all surprised at him)... let him wrestle his way out of those shoes!
: kensington Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 18:41:17
GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! I think she should be confronting him sooner than later... and not trying to talk herself out of it. The more she tries to cope and deal with it the more confused she will be.
I very much doubt that she will talk herself out of it by waiting to confront him. I mean hiring a PI would involve waiting. I think meeting with a counselor before she confronts him will help her to be less confused. :) God Bless.
There are a lot of things to consider when faced with "do I want to work this out with him if he grovels for sympathy" or "do I want him to leave". If the latter, heck tie the stockings to the steering wheel of his car with a note that his bags are in the trunk.
Still, I believe it's wise to take some amount of time for good rational thought. I mean, should a separation and/or divorce ensue, he can easily wipe out the bank accounts within an hour of your asking him to leave. Personally I'd transfer as much money as I could out of joint accounts before I ever said a word. If you ask him to leave, I'd probably freeze the credit cards so you're not responsible for debt he could run up afterwards. Even if you decide to try to work it out, I'd keep yourself protected until he proves himself, and I'd ALWAYS keep at least some money in my own name from this point forward.
If you think you'd pursue divorce other than "no fault", then some proof would be good to have. I'd plan to watch his hotel room the next overnight trip he makes and snapping a few pictures. Then you have more information one way or the other. If you see him with someone, I'd see a lawyer before I confronted him. I went to see a lawyer long before I filed for divorce and it is a good thing I did, I knew what to plan for and the laws in my state about separation/divorce, assets/liabilities/custody.
I'm not saying this is how it should go, I have just seen a good number of people taken to the cleaners who didn't deserve it. The thing about liars is .. they're liars. Protect yourself. I wholeheartedly agree with standing up for yourself. I just think the more information you have before speaking a word will work to your advantage.
: w8ing4daybreak Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 19:50:11
: kensington Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 18:41:17
GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! I think she should be confronting him sooner than later... and not trying to talk herself out of it. The more she tries to cope and deal with it the more confused she will be.
I very much doubt that she will talk herself out of it by waiting to confront him. I mean hiring a PI would involve waiting. I think meeting with a counselor before she confronts him will help her to be less confused. :) God Bless.
What is it you think she needs counseling for? They have been married 20 years. Were this to be a friend,(as a husband is) or a brother in the LORD (as a husband is) would she need counseling to know if she needed to confront them for sin in their life?
I wouldn't. Counseling maybe after confronting, if He is truely repentant and wants the marriage. But, for her... because HE is sinning... No way. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't go to counseling to deal with someone else's sin. That is what the WORD of God is for.
My pastor maybe.... but I'm not paying someone to tell me I need to confront my husband's sin before he loses his soul. That is a no brainer if you ask me. You are his helpmate... confront his sin. That is what God put you in his life for. What is a helpmate for if not to get in the way of our spouse going to hell? She doesn't need counseling, she isn't losing her mind... her husband is cheating.
The times that you don't feel God near you are the times that you should pray the most... get on those knees, put those hands together and pray like you've never prayed before. Don't forget to listen....because there's nothing like asking a question that you really want the answer to know but can't hear it because you weren't listening. God will not put more on you than you can bear.
: vikkijones Tue Oct 07, 2008 - 21:13:58
The times that you don't feel God near you are the times that you should pray the most... get on those knees, put those hands together and pray like you've never prayed before. Don't forget to listen....because there's nothing like asking a question that you really want the answer to know but can't hear it because you weren't listening. God will not put more on you than you can bear.
Good answer. Staying face to face with God is the ONLY way to go THROUGH this to the other side.
Kensington, A counselor can give guidance, support, encouragement... That's what I think she needs. The one I went to helped me think through things I should be considering. I could bounce my feelings and ideas off of her. It was just good to be able to have someone to share my feelings with... and pray with me.
It was through a local church. The fees were very low.
You and I have very different personalities. I am quiet and soft spoken. I wouldn't be able to confront my husband in the manner in which you suggest. It's just not the way I do things. It wouldn't have worked in my situation. Hubby could easily out do me verbally and physically if it came to that. That doesn't mean I haven't confronted him with things. I've done it many times. I'm just a bit softer in my approach.
You can also just wait and show up unexpectedly at his hotel during the next trip.
: w8ing4daybreak Wed Oct 08, 2008 - 09:57:29
Kensington, A counselor can give guidance, support, encouragement... That's what I think she needs. The one I went to helped me think through things I should be considering. I could bounce my feelings and ideas off of her. It was just good to be able to have someone to share my feelings with... and pray with me.
It was through a local church. The fees were very low.
You and I have very different personalities. I am quiet and soft spoken. I wouldn't be able to confront my husband in the manner in which you suggest. It's just not the way I do things. It wouldn't have worked in my situation. Hubby could easily out do me verbally and physically if it came to that. That doesn't mean I haven't confronted him with things. I've done it many times. I'm just a bit softer in my approach.
I'm sorry, I must have missed something... is this about you? Am I in the wrong thread? ::shrug::
: kensington Wed Oct 08, 2008 - 21:20:25
: w8ing4daybreak Wed Oct 08, 2008 - 09:57:29
Kensington, A counselor can give guidance, support, encouragement... That's what I think she needs. The one I went to helped me think through things I should be considering. I could bounce my feelings and ideas off of her. It was just good to be able to have someone to share my feelings with... and pray with me.
It was through a local church. The fees were very low.
You and I have very different personalities. I am quiet and soft spoken. I wouldn't be able to confront my husband in the manner in which you suggest. It's just not the way I do things. It wouldn't have worked in my situation. Hubby could easily out do me verbally and physically if it came to that. That doesn't mean I haven't confronted him with things. I've done it many times. I'm just a bit softer in my approach.
I'm sorry, I must have missed something... is this about you? Am I in the wrong thread? ::shrug::
kensington, I really dont think that was called for. She was just trying to tell you why your approach and hers would be different in this sort of issue. She is allowed to do this and to give her point of view even if it differs from yours.
While I tend to agree with you that the original poster needs to confront her husband,(and I would thave to do this asap if it were me), we are all different and handle things in different ways.
As the original poster of this thread, I have to say that my personality sounds to be a lot like w8ing's. I think I am afraid of confrontation and when I do confront him, I want to do it confidently. As I've said, and maybe it's a normal emotion for someone who suspects their spouse is being unfaithful, I am bombarded with "what if"....what if it's not what it appears to be, what if he has an excuse that sounds plausible, should I believe it.... I came to this board to seek advice and thank you everyone for the postings. I haven't confronted him yet. I was waiting for God. I thought yesterday when he came home from work I would sit down with him and ask him. Turns out, he called yesterday morning and his work sent him onto another job site. He is due back tonight....
I have an additional question. I have been praying, like never before. How do I know what God is speaking to me? How do I discern between what God may be showing me and what thoughts Satan may be putting into my head and onto my path? I know it's from God if it lines up with His word. For instance, I've noticed the last few days I have run into so many things via TV that are about cheating spouses. How strange! Dos this make sense to anyone?
Thanks : )
Makes perfect sense. I used to struggle a lot with "is it God or is it satan" and moreso, "is it God or is it my own will creating these thoughts". For me, over time I have learned that God speaks to me when I'm NOT thinking about the subject I'm contemplating - it pops into my mind so clearly and instantly, not as words but as complete thoughts, and it is different from any other thought process I have. There are times it is intense and the holy spirit has consumed me and moved me to tears, and other times it is subtle. I also admit, I am not always positive even now; I can only work on my relationship with God for His voice to become more clear to me.
So since I can't "exactly" answer your question, I am also interested in the responses you receive.
I would like to mention, though, that things are clearer for me when I actually sit down and pray for clarity. I pray for the holy spirit to work through me, I rebuke satan and his legion, I command in the name of Jesus that satan and all in his charge be bound and gagged, rendered deaf to my thoughts, blind to my actions, mute to speak to each other. That which you command in the name of Jesus, he has to adhere to. I have also at times done blessings on my home and property that nothing may enter that is not of God; to only let enter that which is of God. There are times you can feel the heaviness lift around you, but even if you don't, have faith. When you do these things, I think it helps. Even if that sounds a little off the wall, try it.
: limille Thu Oct 09, 2008 - 13:52:02
As the original poster of this thread, I have to say that my personality sounds to be a lot like w8ing's. I think I am afraid of confrontation and when I do confront him, I want to do it confidently. As I've said, and maybe it's a normal emotion for someone who suspects their spouse is being unfaithful, I am bombarded with "what if"....what if it's not what it appears to be, what if he has an excuse that sounds plausible, should I believe it.... I came to this board to seek advice and thank you everyone for the postings. I haven't confronted him yet. I was waiting for God. I thought yesterday when he came home from work I would sit down with him and ask him. Turns out, he called yesterday morning and his work sent him onto another job site. He is due back tonight....
I have an additional question. I have been praying, like never before. How do I know what God is speaking to me? How do I discern between what God may be showing me and what thoughts Satan may be putting into my head and onto my path? I know it's from God if it lines up with His word. For instance, I've noticed the last few days I have run into so many things via TV that are about cheating spouses. How strange! Dos this make sense to anyone?
Thanks : )
Actually, the TV Is always filled with things like that... but because the issue is so close to your heart right now, it's in the forefront of your mind, and they are catching your attention. It's like when you buy a NEW RED CAR, all of a sudden you notice, EVERY care you see is RED... now why didn't you see that before? It wasn't an issue is all. Change the channels and turn off the TV or watch old movies...
When you pray, and receive, it will line up with the word of GOD. Even confronting someone on sin is biblical. Paul did it, not only with the body of Christ but with other Apostles he thought were in error.
But, when you pray, pray the word also... asking the LORD to guide you in to all truth. The LORD is not a man that He can lie. So, when things start unfolding in our daily lives and we see things contrary to the word, or our spirit tells us there is deception, then we stand on the word. I'd be asking myself, what plausible excuse my husband could have for having used panty hose in his luggage... and I know that the true answer to that is ... NONE. There is none.
When you pray, anoint yourself, and your home, and pray for the LORD to reveal the truth to you... and trust Him. I think one of the reason's I am so bold, is that once I stepped out and believed God in my life, and His word for my life... I never stepped back, and I don't doubt. He grants me a boldness to go through some of the strangest and hardest things in life. But, I stand on His principles and His word to the end. I don't give up. When someone tries to convince me of some strange thing... I go to the word. And I believe the word. If someone lies, they are a liar... there is no two ways about it. WHY? Because the WORD says so.
And... to be quite honest with you... I think a wife knows. You came here because you know. You know there should be no panty hose, so a plausible excuse will probably be a lie. You know him, you live with him, if these things you have been seeing and hearing are pricking your spirit, then you know... We all want to wait and hope it's not so... But, the wife always knows once she is the one who finds the evidence. God does not want you to be deceived, or lied to... so He showed you the panty hose. God does not want your husband to lose his soul, so He showed you the panty hose.
I don't think you are seeking here to know anything you don't already know, I think you should be seeking to save your husbands eternity. Start looking up the scriptures about "Backsliding" and someone turning their back on God.. that is where the danger lies here. Satan is not trying to take your marriage, He is trying to take your husband to Hell. Dig in and get ready for war. Stay in the word, and stay face to face with God. Stand in the LORD and confront your man for his soul. God Bless.
Well, today was the day.... I confronted my husband, just as Mac had suggested. I asked him to sit down at the table and I sat across from him. I layed the hose on the table and told him I had found them while putting clothes away and asked him where they came from. He didn't pause too long and first said he didn't know, then said they must have come from a rag pile, or old clothes from the garage. He used them to put his ear plugs in from work to wash them. So, who else here would believe this story? I told him that I found that hard to believe,. For one, I've never seen him "wash his earplugs"... I know he has a big box in our garage of ones you throw away. I asked him who they belonged to and he just kind of joked his way thru our conversation. I asked him how he will feel if it were switched and I had the men's underware that didn't belong to him, in my drawer.....how would he feel. He just made a joke about it. He wasn't angry through any of this, he joked and tended to change the subject a bit, but I kept coming back to the hose. He swears that he would never jeopardize our marriage, he would never cheat on me. I'm feeling more and more like the fool. I told him God was leading me to this for a reason. He didn't see it that way.
Gosh, now what... I have a lot of thinking to do. The thing is, you would've thought that if your wife came to you with this evidence, wouldn't you take it seriously, and be sincere with her, not joking. I know.... they are the classic signs that he is lying. I cannot take my eyes off of God now. He's brought me to this, he'll bring me through it. I have to trust in Him.
Many people get giddy or laugh when they are in a tight situation. It's a self preservation thing.
When my sister in law is scared, she laughs. It's weird, but its true.
The thing here is .... you say that you believe you already caught him in another lie... Having NEVER seen him wash his ear plugs, and his having disposable ones in the garage. What does that tell you?
Of course he was going to try to make you look like you were grasping at straws, we all told you that.
You have to decide if you believe his jokes and his cover story or not. Can you live with it? Does that wipe away all suspicion from your heart? Has his story eased your mind? Or will you be watching him to see if he really does wash those ear plugs in those panty hose? Are they your brand? Are they your size? Because if he got them out of your "WHERE"? they would be your color, size and brand.
Anything else... would be right back to square one.
Another thing, if this "washing" thing is true... why have you not found pantyhose before this? DO you keep your used pantyhose in the rag box? And why did He say.. "I don't know" ? Either they were for plugs or they weren't... why would have have to think about it?
When I said that I had a lot of thinking to do... I didn't mean because I was trying to figure out if he was lying or not. I'm confident that he is. I just meant that I have a lot to think about with my future and the future of my kids. If I stay, then he will see that as a green light to go ahead and do it again. If I leave, my decision will affect not only me, but the kids.
I appreciate all the advice you all have given me on this post. I just wish it wouldn't have ended like this, but hey, I knew in my heart once I found them what was going on. I was trying to deny it because I didn't want to accept that he could do this to me, to our family.
Thanks again you guys. May God bless you all. Linda
: kensington Wed Oct 08, 2008 - 21:20:25
: w8ing4daybreak Wed Oct 08, 2008 - 09:57:29
Kensington, A counselor can give guidance, support, encouragement... That's what I think she needs. The one I went to helped me think through things I should be considering. I could bounce my feelings and ideas off of her. It was just good to be able to have someone to share my feelings with... and pray with me.
It was through a local church. The fees were very low.
You and I have very different personalities. I am quiet and soft spoken. I wouldn't be able to confront my husband in the manner in which you suggest. It's just not the way I do things. It wouldn't have worked in my situation. Hubby could easily out do me verbally and physically if it came to that. That doesn't mean I haven't confronted him with things. I've done it many times. I'm just a bit softer in my approach.
I'm sorry, I must have missed something... is this about you? Am I in the wrong thread? ::shrug::
You asked me what she needed counseling for. I was answering your question. If you don't want an answer, don't ask the question. :)
: limille Fri Oct 10, 2008 - 19:28:17
When I said that I had a lot of thinking to do... I didn't mean because I was trying to figure out if he was lying or not. I'm confident that he is. I just meant that I have a lot to think about with my future and the future of my kids. If I stay, then he will see that as a green light to go ahead and do it again. If I leave, my decision will affect not only me, but the kids.
I appreciate all the advice you all have given me on this post. I just wish it wouldn't have ended like this, but hey, I knew in my heart once I found them what was going on. I was trying to deny it because I didn't want to accept that he could do this to me, to our family.
Thanks again you guys. May God bless you all. Linda
Linda, I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. I will pray for you and your family. There is a chance that he will repent.... but even if he does, it takes a very long time to build trust again. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
If I stay, then he will see that as a green light to go ahead and do it again. If I leave, my decision will affect not only me, but the kids.
I'm really sorry for your pain. It stinks... that is for sure. You know, if you stay or leave it will affect you and the kids. Not just if you go. Even staying will. Now is when you need to go to your pastor and tell him you know and you need help and guidance. Ask him to refer you to one of the women in the Church he trusts to be your prayer friend and to talk to. He will know who will do this without judgment and gossip. To just be there for you. You are going to need a close friend in the LORD.
Does your husband profess to being a Christian? If so, Then take him before the pastor. He needs to be held accountable for the sin whether you stay or not, his soul is on the line. I could distance myself from my husband for cheating, but I could not stop being concerned or accountable for his salvation as a Christian. Pray for your husband. Yes, even when you are mad and hurt. Pray for him. When you are angry... tell him so. If you say something out of line, apologize... but be honest as you go through this... don't push down your pain, you don't want to have to come back around and start over later.... when you find you didn't deal with it. You may as well say what is on your mind.
Start keeping a journal... write words of comfort in there for yourself. Write prayers and even write that you are confused if you are. Based on the ages of your kids, think about what you will tell them. If they understand salvation, tell them to pray for their dad. Ask them to pray for you too. My kids pray openly and plainly for me concerning any matter I ask them to. It's a blessing, and a source of strength for me when my husband is gone. (Navy). We always pray out loud in our home, one for another.
But... above all, stay face to face with God. Worship Him daily, praise Him, in your home, and in your car. When you get up, and when you lay down. He is your source, and He cares for you. Read the word. And remember.... Your healing is just a prayer away, on any given day! God is good... all the time. Keep the faith.
Oh that's hard. I have only been married 6 1/2 years but we have been through infidelity--his and not mine. It took a whole lot of soul searching for me to stay. This happened three years ago and only in the past month have I quit looking at his cell phone records, emails, etc. He still claims it wasn't physical and while there is a chance it wasn't--I'm about 95% sure it was. Wives know.
In my case my husband intimidated me enough to keep me from talking with my pastor about it. Big mistake. That hindered the healing process. You need to find someone to talk with and see if it is worth working out. We did have a family friend who is a minister come by one time. He said "what I see here is a case of dirt and diamonds." We were like HUNH?????
He said that we had been looking so hard at each other's dirt that we didn't see the diamonds and it was true. Oh my ex tried to blame the whole thing on me. His mom even said "well what did you do to make him cheat?" Oh I said a prayer in my head at that moment because it was awfully hard to turn the other cheek but I did. Ultimately he took a part of the responsibility as did I and we are working on it but we have a lot of work to go.
I agree that he likely laughed because of being in a tight spot. You caught him off guard. Hold on tight to your faith and prayer. God will lead you the right way to go!
Yeah... I heard a woman say to another when she was in pain and told her about her husband cheating on her... "Well, were you there for him in EVERY way in the marriage"...
I want to slap her so bad. But... thank you LORD. I didn't. That is why I tell women now, ALWAYS ask the Pastor to recommend someone who is of good report in the church to be your friend, to help you, and mentor you... someone not lent to gossip but who prays. we can pick some pretty ignorant confidants if we aren't careful.
: kensington Wed Oct 15, 2008 - 15:53:45
Yeah... I heard a woman say to another when she was in pain and told her about her husband cheating on her... "Well, were you there for him in EVERY way in the marriage"...
I want to slap her so bad. But... thank you LORD. I didn't. That is why I tell women now, ALWAYS ask the Pastor to recommend someone who is of good report in the church to be your friend, to help you, and mentor you... someone not lent to gossip but who prays. we can pick some pretty ignorant confidants if we aren't careful.
Dang kensington...What is so wrong about asking that question? You may not believe this, but some woman (my ex-wife was one) treat the physical part of their marriage as trivial..I am not trying to condone an affair, but just saying that sometimes woman (and men) do not want intimacy..For what ever reason...I lived in in a marriage where my ex-wife would go 3 months or so before SHE would need a, umm, "release". I got so tired of being turned down, that I quit asking...
If she was indeed looking for help, maybe the lady was wanting to help her by pointing out an obvious...I have no idea...I would presume from your " gossip" comment that you felt like what she (the lady asking the question) did was gossip? If so, why? For the most part, the reason people cheat is because they are not getting what they need at home...I know that is not always the case...But it IS the case in a lot of the marriages today...That is why the bible says that we should not "deny" our spouses..It is an important area in a marriage...I agree with your advice to seek a Godly, good standing member of your church for help...But those types of questions are unavoidable if you truly want to help someone...
It's not gossip... it's my sister. And it was an arrogant remark to make to someone who's heart was broken laying in the floor by the man she thought she could trust always.
But, Yep... I wanted to slap her, and by the look on my other sisters face I knew that I wanted to just hold her. It was a cruel thing to imply. That her husband of 15 years cheated because she didn't "Do it all"..... give me a break.
: kensington Thu Oct 16, 2008 - 18:56:51
It's not gossip... it's my sister. And it was an arrogant remark to make to someone who's heart was broken laying in the floor by the man she thought she could trust always.
But, Yep... I wanted to slap her, and by the look on my other sisters face I knew that I wanted to just hold her. It was a cruel thing to imply. That her husband of 15 years cheated because she didn't "Do it all"..... give me a break.
Well kensington, one thing is for sure...Evidently your sister thought enough about this woman to approach her and share her situation with her...It speaks even loader that she did this with her sisters there...Maybe the woman knows something or has heard something you do not know...
I certainly understand your issue here...But, you are personally involved..You have a "dog in this hunt". You have a biased opinion..And you rightly should..She is your sister..
I will say this, if the woman just said, "Well, if you were doing XYZ at home , maybe he wouldn't have done it." That is wrong..Very uncaring...But if she asked as a concerned friend, and was simply trying to answer a question posed by your sister, I see why she would ask..
I too, am glad you didn't slap her...I hope your sister has been able to overcome this burden.With the Lords help, she will...
I think you missed TWO fine points Mac... no problem... I am sure that I know what the intent of the question was... because when I saw the look on my other sisters face, I wanted to slap her for saying it. That is because they were BOTH my sisters... the one who said it, and the one who is was said to. I knew exactly how she meant it, and I probably should have slapped her. ONE thing you do not even think to imply to someone who has been cheated on, is that they are to blame. Give me a break!
: kensington Sat Oct 18, 2008 - 00:45:34
I think you missed TWO fine points Mac... no problem... I am sure that I know what the intent of the question was... because when I saw the look on my other sisters face, I wanted to slap her for saying it. That is because they were BOTH my sisters... the one who said it, and the one who is was said to. I knew exactly how she meant it, and I probably should have slapped her. ONE thing you do not even think to imply to someone who has been cheated on, is that they are to blame. Give me a break!
I see...So it was one sister that said that to another sister..Wow..That is kind of rude..I can see where that would be a little inflammatory...
One thing that is 100% fact in your post...No matter how bad it is at home, it is the responsibility of the spouse to say NO!!!No matter what happened between your sister and her husband, he CHOSE to cheat...She did not make him do it...