This will probably be a hot topic, I am a 40 year old christian man living with a gorgeous 34 year old christian wife whom I absolutely adore, cherish, and am extremely attracted to, The problem is a common one it seems, my need for physical touch (non sexual or otherwise) and my sex drive is completely opposite of hers. She never, and I do mean literally never initiates anything sexual, we don't hold hands, (never really have), we don't kiss, ever. no hugs unless I initiate and even then its like me hugging my sister or something, very impersonal and cold. I am greeted everyday I come home with a "to-do" list (which I do), and I am also greeted with no hug, no kiss, nothing....Now please don't get me wrong, I am not here to paint a negative picture of my wife, I truly do love her, I credit her entirely for being the one that showed me the light and brought me to Christ, she saved my life, I fully believe I would not be here today if it weren't for God putting her smack in front of me, (literally) one day. So I am not here to bash my wife, I'm here to seek advice from a christian perspective on this issue because I am seeing the manifestation of the built up resentment I feel from the last 6 years or so of constant rejection and growing negativity and isolation I feel from her.
Same 'ol story, It started out great when we were married, I felt secure, I knew in my heart of hearts that she truly desired me in every way, she wanted to be with me, and she showed it. She was fun, fairly spontaneous, seemed to enjoy everything about being with me. But things started to sort of "cool off" for her, I thought nothing of it.
Fast forward, 2 years after marriage we got pregnant (totally planned), the day we confirmed the pregnancy, everything started downhill and has gone that way ever since. Its like she switched to "mommy mode" and apparently that takes precedence over the husbands needs, it has come to the point that she gets upset that I even want to talk about my problems, and if I so much as mention the words "touch", or "physical", or "sex", she gets extremely angry and accuses me of being oversexed, "is that all you think about?" etc etc.
More background: we do have sex, she does enjoy it when we do, orgasm and all just about every time, the problem is that she can go months at a time without the thought of sex even crossing her mind, I consider myself lucky if we do it once every 4-6 weeks, and that only happens if I work for weeks at a time to "initiate", and yes I have tried all the "things women want" such as helping out around the house, helping with the kids, flowers or gifts for no reason, etc, etc. It does absolutely no good. I never get any recognition for the things I do, but wow, I get the lectures and speeches when I miss some dishes, or forget to take the trash out, etc.
So here's my question, and I want female input as well a male...
What happened??? why does it seem a woman's desire diminishes so easily and quickly after marriage? I have never cheated, I am still in good physical shape, I keep myself very well groomed, I tell her I love her and I tell her how incredibly gorgeous I think she is because...wow!, she really is quite gorgeous. I tell her constantly. she uses all the excuses, "I'm tired", "you don't know what I do all day", (shes a stay at home mom) "I've gained weight," I don't like my body anymore", etc etc...shes only gained maybe 25-30 lbs since children, doesn't bother me in the least. She has also lost most of that weight a few months ago, she has always told me, "if I could lose even 15 or 20 lbs, you'll see..guess what....nothing...
By the way, before all the posts start to arrive about "ohhh...kids! theres the problem, kids are hard"... don't bother going there because I know first hand the rigors of caring for kids at home, Ive done it. Yes its hard sometimes, but I am never so tired as to reject being with my wife. I just cant take any more daily rejection, but on the other hand I am absolutely not going to break up my family over this issue, nor am I going to have an affair or anything like that, the other side of it is, I am also not willing to spent the rest of my life with someone who just isn't all that intersted anymore...
HELP!
How long has it been since you guys have had the baby? (didn't grasp that from the post). I ask because its not uncommon for women's sex drive to decrease after pregnancy, hormones are all over the place and can stay that way for a few years. Your wife may also have/had some post-partum issues. There's a continuum there from baby-blues to full on psychotic break. If she is closer to the baby-blues end this may also complicate the situation. Instead of trying to talk about sex and your needs (I do feel for you btw) try to ascertain what she needs from you. She may need extra help in terms of feeling emotionally connected to you. If there is some post-partum issues she may be scared, embarrassed etc. Also what was the labor and delivery like?
Your feelings are important and I am not minimizing them and you do need to let her know how important sex/intimacy/touch etc. is to you.
All the best and keep us posted
The last baby was 3 -1/2 years ago, we never really had any issues with post partum. Labor and delivery was wonderful, it was a home birth as was the first and it went very very well. I know what she wants from me, and I try my best to give it to her, when I do, she just keeps taking and taking, and never wants to address my needs, that is the problem, I'm doing everything correctly as best I possibly can, yet I still feel like I'm married to a "roomate" instead of a wife.
Also, I do try to let her know how important those things are to me, thats when she gets upset and asks me "is that all you think about?"
She thinks there is no problem with our love life/frequency, etc, so to her it's ridiculous for me to bring it up.
????? ::frown::
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 13:15:15
This will probably be a hot topic, I am a 40 year old christian man living with a gorgeous 34 year old christian wife whom I absolutely adore, cherish, and am extremely attracted to, The problem is a common one it seems, my need for physical touch (non sexual or otherwise) and my sex drive is completely opposite of hers. She never, and I do mean literally never initiates anything sexual, we don't hold hands, (never really have), we don't kiss, ever. no hugs unless I initiate and even then its like me hugging my sister or something, very impersonal and cold. I am greeted everyday I come home with a "to-do" list (which I do), and I am also greeted with no hug, no kiss, nothing....Now please don't get me wrong, I am not here to paint a negative picture of my wife, I truly do love her, I credit her entirely for being the one that showed me the light and brought me to Christ, she saved my life, I fully believe I would not be here today if it weren't for God putting her smack in front of me, (literally) one day. So I am not here to bash my wife, I'm here to seek advice from a christian perspective on this issue because I am seeing the manifestation of the built up resentment I feel from the last 6 years or so of constant rejection and growing negativity and isolation I feel from her.
Same 'ol story, It started out great when we were married, I felt secure, I knew in my heart of hearts that she truly desired me in every way, she wanted to be with me, and she showed it. She was fun, fairly spontaneous, seemed to enjoy everything about being with me. But things started to sort of "cool off" for her, I thought nothing of it.
Fast forward, 2 years after marriage we got pregnant (totally planned), the day we confirmed the pregnancy, everything started downhill and has gone that way ever since. Its like she switched to "mommy mode" and apparently that takes precedence over the husbands needs, it has come to the point that she gets upset that I even want to talk about my problems, and if I so much as mention the words "touch", or "physical", or "sex", she gets extremely angry and accuses me of being oversexed, "is that all you think about?" etc etc.
More background: we do have sex, she does enjoy it when we do, orgasm and all just about every time, the problem is that she can go months at a time without the thought of sex even crossing her mind, I consider myself lucky if we do it once every 4-6 weeks, and that only happens if I work for weeks at a time to "initiate", and yes I have tried all the "things women want" such as helping out around the house, helping with the kids, flowers or gifts for no reason, etc, etc. It does absolutely no good. I never get any recognition for the things I do, but wow, I get the lectures and speeches when I miss some dishes, or forget to take the trash out, etc.
So here's my question, and I want female input as well a male...
What happened??? why does it seem a woman's desire diminishes so easily and quickly after marriage? I have never cheated, I am still in good physical shape, I keep myself very well groomed, I tell her I love her and I tell her how incredibly gorgeous I think she is because...wow!, she really is quite gorgeous. I tell her constantly. she uses all the excuses, "I'm tired", "you don't know what I do all day", (shes a stay at home mom) "I've gained weight," I don't like my body anymore", etc etc...shes only gained maybe 25-30 lbs since children, doesn't bother me in the least. She has also lost most of that weight a few months ago, she has always told me, "if I could lose even 15 or 20 lbs, you'll see..guess what....nothing...
By the way, before all the posts start to arrive about "ohhh...kids! theres the problem, kids are hard"... don't bother going there because I know first hand the rigors of caring for kids at home, Ive done it. Yes its hard sometimes, but I am never so tired as to reject being with my wife. I just cant take any more daily rejection, but on the other hand I am absolutely not going to break up my family over this issue, nor am I going to have an affair or anything like that, the other side of it is, I am also not willing to spent the rest of my life with someone who just isn't all that intersted anymore...
HELP!
I have gone through this in My own marriage. (I am a Man)
For a man, stimulation can be as simple as Sight, just seeing your wife, dressing for bed, can be stimulation enough.
But the feamle creature is much more complex than we are. A woman, needs to feel loved and needed.
So, my first thought is STOP approaching her for sex or to seek her attention. Make her long for you. By showing your adoration of her.
Bring flowers, and a card...Give her a peck on the cheek and tell her how much she means to you....Then go, out of your way to ease her burden at home....And with your baby.
Make it a point to let her go out with the girls and offer to watch the baby.
STOP putting your needs above hers......Put her needs first or she will never want to put your needs ahead of her own.
I dealt with this, in my own marriage, and we fell apart for some time....It wasn't until I thought I could lose her, when I began to understand her needs.
Just a guess, based on what you wrote......You are doing the same thing I did......All you are worried about is what you need from her, instead of what she needs form you........When you hold her, she KNOWS, you only want one thing from her.......Try holding her and not ask for anything in return.
Just my 2 cents worth
Here's the thing with some women. Some women think that even something simple like a hug or a caress from them means they are ready for sex...now. Sometimes she will be afraid that even a little display of affection will mean that she will have to perform. When you hug her, is that really enough, or is it a strong hint that you want something more? Does that make sense?
love,
Sopranette
I think that you two really need some outside help. Physical touch is very important in a marriage and so is sex. It sort of sounds as if you are getting all the negatives in marriage such as having to do loads of things and none of the positives such as physical affection and sexual intimacy.
To have to go 6 weeks without sex isnt right. the Bible tells us not to withhold sex from your spouse unless it is for prayer. Even if she doesnt feel like it she maybe should make the effort for your sake and not just wait till one day she may actually 'feel' like sex.
By the way in case you thnk I am seeing this only from a mans point of view, I am actually a female.
If my husband wanted sex I would never refuse him unless I was ill or something. it is part of my being his wife and a very important part of the marriage.
This situation sounds as if it may not get better unless you take the decision to speak to her and do something about it together.
Your wife sounds very much like my husbands ex wife, very selfish, never giving and always taking. She also controlled their sex life and he could never initiate anything unless she wanted to. In the end, he almsot gave up asking.
Marriage is all about giving as well as having some of our own needs met. Would she read the book called The five love languages? it is a very good book and may help you a but but you may need some outside help to come to some sort of agreement which will work for you.
ok, I have tried all you are suggesting, I do not approach her constantly, but on the other hand if I were to really really go (which I have done in the past)with the whole"dont approach her, let her come to/long for you" scenario, we literally would have sex maybe once or twice a year, my point I was trying to make is this, shes just not all that interested anymore, period. No matter how well I meet her needs she just doesnt need or want the physical part of a relationship, and she simply does not see that as a genuine problem.
I do adore her and she knows it, I do ease her burdens at home, BTW, our "baby" is almost four, and I take them out with me all the time so she can have some alone time, that does no good either, just lets her get to sleep faster...I do all of the above and genuinely so, but still, just a ho-hum reaction that she forgets about in about an hour or so. I do put her needs first, but I'm telling you, shes just not interested in my needs if they are physical.
And above all else I am not only worried about what I want, what I want is for her to be happy...I just want us to be young while we still are.
Sorry for the rant, and I do appreciate your input.
: sopranette Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 14:51:21
Here's the thing with some women. Some women think that even something simple like a hug or a caress from them means they are ready for sex...now. Sometimes she will be afraid that even a little display of affection will mean that she will have to perform. When you hug her, is that really enough, or is it a strong hint that you want something more? Does that make sense?
love,
Sopranette
Yes that makes total sense, and yes I just want a hug..seriously, just a hug, but...nothing, or a grudging hug, which is worse than nothing.
Then maybe you should tell her so. That would be wonderfully romantic.
love,
Sopranette
: chosenone Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 14:51:31
I think that you two really need some outside help. Physical touch is very important in a marriage and so is sex. It sort of sounds as if you are getting all the negatives in marriage such as having to do loads of things and none of the positives such as physical affection and sexual intimacy.
To have to go 6 weeks without sex isnt right. the Bible tells us not to withhold sex from your spouse unless it is for prayer. Even if she doesnt feel like it she maybe should make the effort for your sake and not just wait till one day she may actually 'feel' like sex.
By the way in case you thnk I am seeing this only from a mans point of view, I am actually a female.
If my husband wanted sex I would never refuse him unless I was ill or something. it is part of my being his wife and a very important part of the marriage.
This situation sounds as if it may not get better unless you take the decision to speak to her and do something about it together.
Your wife sounds very much like my husbands ex wife, very selfish, never giving and always taking. She also controlled their sex life and he could never initiate anything unless she wanted to. In the end, he almsot gave up asking.
Marriage is all about giving as well as having some of our own needs met. Would she read the book called The five love languages? it is a very good book and may help you a but but you may need some outside help to come to some sort of agreement which will work for you.
We have read the book, she just gets upset, and thus is unwilling to budge because my love language is physical touch...
: sopranette Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:03:47
Then maybe you should tell her so. That would be wonderfully romantic.
love,
Sopranette
I have tried that too, she doesnt find it romantic, it just passes in one ear and out the other....
Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show. Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?
love,
Sopranette
: sopranette Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:11:25
Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show. Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?
love,
Sopranette
Wow, well, its a bit too late for the "dont let your dissapointment show" part, I cant help it anymore, I'm SO frustrated with the whole situation as I said in a previous post that it has begun manifesting itself in my mood, my physical body, attitude, etc..
What do you mean too much hanging on her emotionaly? are you talking children? Our 2 daughters are pretty easy and loving, not very emotionaly draining.
Children just do take an emotional toll on a woman, no matter how good they are. We worry, we fuss, we get frustrated. I'm sure it's the same for fathers. Now we are responsible for another person's life. The disappointment in her part, well....the last person I want to make love to is someone who is disappointed in me. You know? Pouting is not the sexist thing in a man. Just sayin'.
love,
Sopranette
: sopranette Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:38:56Pouting is not the sexist thing in a man.
You've never seen me pout then.
: sopranette Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:38:56
Children just do take an emotional toll on a woman, no matter how good they are. We worry, we fuss, we get frustrated. I'm sure it's the same for fathers. Now we are responsible for another person's life. The disappointment in her part, well....the last person I want to make love to is someone who is disappointed in me. You know? Pouting is not the sexist thing in a man. Just sayin'.
love,
Sopranette
Well, I'm not dissapointed in her, I just want to know where everything went??? the spontenaity, the FUN we used to have the enjoyment we used to get from each other.
and I really really try not to "pout"...lol
She says "all that touchy feely "gotta be around you" playfulness fades with familiarity and age". Well let me tell you, It sure doesnt fade on my part, I find her far more attractive now (inside and out) than I ever did when we first met...so what gives?
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:31:38
: sopranette Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:11:25
Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show. Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?
love,
Sopranette
Wow, well, its a bit too late for the "dont let your dissapointment show" part, I cant help it anymore, I'm SO frustrated with the whole situation as I said in a previous post that it has begun manifesting itself in my mood, my physical body, attitude, etc..
What do you mean too much hanging on her emotionaly? are you talking children? Our 2 daughters are pretty easy and loving, not very emotionaly draining.
Because, you are not worried about what she is lacking......You are only being concerned with what you are lacking.
: Corbley Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:50:13
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:31:38
: sopranette Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:11:25
Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show. Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?
love,
Sopranette
Wow, well, its a bit too late for the "dont let your dissapointment show" part, I cant help it anymore, I'm SO frustrated with the whole situation as I said in a previous post that it has begun manifesting itself in my mood, my physical body, attitude, etc..
What do you mean too much hanging on her emotionaly? are you talking children? Our 2 daughters are pretty easy and loving, not very emotionaly draining.
Because, you are not worried about what she is lacking......You are only being concerned with what you are lacking.
NOT true....sorry, not true....
I wonder how women feel when there is an emotionless marriage. No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no "I Love You's," etc.
I am not suggesting on holding out on your wife, but have you made it clear that you don't feel loved when you are not intimate with your wife?
: Gary Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:54:23
I wonder how women feel when there is an emotionless marriage. No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no "I Love You's," etc.
I am not suggesting on holding out on your wife, but have you made it clear that you don't feel loved when you are not intimate with your wife?
Yes I have made it abundantly clear in the nicest ways possible, she just gives me the usual eye roll with the phrase "ughh, is that all you think about"?
I agree, I have been seriously thinking about doing that, but do I really want that? As I said in a previous post I have tried the whole "dont ask, mention, hint at anything" scenario, all that accomplished was giving her a several month break from having to do anything physical..nothing changed. ::frown::
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:52:28
: Corbley Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:50:13
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:31:38
: sopranette Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:11:25
Keep trying, and never let your disappointment show. Having a child takes a huge toll on a woman emotionally, maybe she feels like she has too much hanging on to her emotionally?
love,
Sopranette
Wow, well, its a bit too late for the "dont let your dissapointment show" part, I cant help it anymore, I'm SO frustrated with the whole situation as I said in a previous post that it has begun manifesting itself in my mood, my physical body, attitude, etc..
What do you mean too much hanging on her emotionally? are you talking children? Our 2 daughters are pretty easy and loving, not very emotionally draining.
Because, you are not worried about what she is lacking......You are only being concerned with what you are lacking.
NOT true....sorry, not true....
Perhaps, that is not what you feel, But MAYBE it is what she perceives?
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 16:02:34
: Gary Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:54:23
I wonder how women feel when there is an emotionless marriage. No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no "I Love You's," etc.
I am not suggesting on holding out on your wife, but have you made it clear that you don't feel loved when you are not intimate with your wife?
Yes I have made it abundantly clear in the nicest ways possible, she just gives me the usual eye roll with the phrase "ughh, is that all you think about"?
I agree, I have been seriously thinking about doing that, but do I really want that? As I said in a previous post I have tried the whole "dont ask, mention, hint at anything" scenario, all that accomplished was giving her a several month break from having to do anything physical..nothing changed. ::frown::
Have you tried buying her a book like "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldahn?
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226527554&sr=8-1
: Gary Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 16:06:53
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 16:02:34
: Gary Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:54:23
I wonder how women feel when there is an emotionless marriage. No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no "I Love You's," etc.
I am not suggesting on holding out on your wife, but have you made it clear that you don't feel loved when you are not intimate with your wife?
Yes I have made it abundantly clear in the nicest ways possible, she just gives me the usual eye roll with the phrase "ughh, is that all you think about"?
I agree, I have been seriously thinking about doing that, but do I really want that? As I said in a previous post I have tried the whole "dont ask, mention, hint at anything" scenario, all that accomplished was giving her a several month break from having to do anything physical..nothing changed. ::frown::
Have you tried buying her a book like "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldahn?
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Only-about-Inner-Lives/dp/1590523172/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226527554&sr=8-1
Thanks, I might try that book.
Colossians 3:18
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.
love,
Sopranette
I don't know what's up with this but it seems to be some kind of epidemic in the church, as well as out in the world. You have no idea how many men my husband and I know and hear of that have the exact same problem as you. (But you'd think Christian wives would know better!)
All I can say is that she's wrong to be ignoring your needs like this. It sounds like you have, indeed, tried talking to her about it, you've been patient, you've done all the right things.
The only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you talk to your pastor ALONE and tell him everything. I think he should get an older, trusted, godly woman in the church to talk to your wife. I don't think any kind of "couples" counseling should occur, at least not in the very beginning because i have a strong feeling you'd end up getting bashed.
Talk to your pastor about it and see if something like this could be arranged.
And, yes, I agree with Sopranette just below me.
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:05:16
: chosenone Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 14:51:31
I think that you two really need some outside help. Physical touch is very important in a marriage and so is sex. It sort of sounds as if you are getting all the negatives in marriage such as having to do loads of things and none of the positives such as physical affection and sexual intimacy.
To have to go 6 weeks without sex isnt right. the Bible tells us not to withhold sex from your spouse unless it is for prayer. Even if she doesnt feel like it she maybe should make the effort for your sake and not just wait till one day she may actually 'feel' like sex.
By the way in case you thnk I am seeing this only from a mans point of view, I am actually a female.
If my husband wanted sex I would never refuse him unless I was ill or something. it is part of my being his wife and a very important part of the marriage.
This situation sounds as if it may not get better unless you take the decision to speak to her and do something about it together.
Your wife sounds very much like my husbands ex wife, very selfish, never giving and always taking. She also controlled their sex life and he could never initiate anything unless she wanted to. In the end, he almsot gave up asking.
Marriage is all about giving as well as having some of our own needs met. Would she read the book called The five love languages? it is a very good book and may help you a but but you may need some outside help to come to some sort of agreement which will work for you.
We have read the book, she just gets upset, and thus is unwilling to budge because my love language is physical touch...
yes I was pretty sure it was, and that is why I suggested that you get her to read it so that she may be able to see in black and white what she needs to do.
For whatever reason then, she clearly knows how very important touch is to you, but still refuses to do any of it, and that, in my opinion is selfish. The whole point of that book is to find out what our spouse needs to feel loved, and make sure we give that to them, but in your case I can totally understand your frustration and unhappiness with this situation. Even if she doesnt feel like sex, she needs to think of you sometimes and not herself and what you need.
I supose it comes down to whether she is just being very selfish or whether there are deeper problems in her as to why she wont do this. Either way, maybe you need to be firm and say that this really cant go on and that you both need some sort of help where you can see A Christian marriage counsellor togather.
Part of the reason we are told not to withhold sex, is to avoid any sexual temptation for either spouse, and while you say you would never have an affair or anything, what if this situation were to go on another 5 years, or ten, how long could you go on like this?Please talk to her about getting help.
: His Princess Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 19:15:46
I don't know what's up with this but it seems to be some kind of epidemic in the church, as well as out in the world. You have no idea how many men my husband and I know and hear of that have the exact same problem as you. (But you'd think Christian wives would know better!)
All I can say is that she's wrong to be ignoring your needs like this. It sounds like you have, indeed, tried talking to her about it, you've been patient, you've done all the right things.
The only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you talk to your pastor ALONE and tell him everything. I think he should get an older, trusted, godly woman in the church to talk to your wife. I don't think any kind of "couples" counseling should occur, at least not in the very beginning because i have a strong feeling you'd end up getting bashed.
Talk to your pastor about it and see if something like this could be arranged.
And, yes, I agree with Sopranette just below me.
I agree with this, about the epidemic and how common this seems to be. If a women acts this way, how can she then be surprised when years later her husband has been unfaithful? Of course I am not saying that this is right, it isnt, but in some cases it is understandable when a wife wont let her husband have sex for months on end or even touch him in anyway. it sounds as of you are living more or less as room mates rather than husband or wife.
I feel that you have been rather unfairly treated by some on this forum when to me it sounds as if you are doing everything right, and really wanting to be able to love your wife and to feel loved. of course you are feeling bad, who wouldnt?.
This advice iabove s good I think, to maybe speak to your pastor or someone else like this who can listen to you and offer some help and advice. I suggsted counselling as I felt that this isnt going to go away on its own, but it may be a good idea for you to get a married couple to counsel you, rather than just one person who would probably be a female.
my husbands ex wife, made him feel like a sex pervert just because he asked for sex sometimes and this destroys a man, who only wants to be intimate with his wife and would never be unfaithful. it makes me so sad and is so wrong.To be rejected so often is very damaging for anyone, and eventually you may feel like not bothering anymore and withdraw emotionally as my husband did with his ex. Then she complained that he wasnt meeting her 'emotional' needs.
Selfishness is rife in marriage. no wonder so many are failing.
: Charles Sloan Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:40:25
: sopranette Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 15:38:56Pouting is not the sexist thing in a man.
You've never seen me pout then.
Soapy, I'm confused, is that supposed to be sexist or sexiest?
806jjbz, As a woman, I can relate to your wife a bit. When my daughter was born, it took a lot out of me. My situation was a little different because when my daughter was about 18 months old, I had a miscarriage that swung me into a deeper depression. My husband was very impatient with me.
He was used to me being there for him emotionally in a way that I couldn't be at that time.
(I don't think I ever let him go weeks without... but I had NO desire and turned him down way too often.)
He often expressed his anger toward me, which made me want to pull back even more.
Then the story gets a bit more complicated, and I'll skip over that part, but we ended up separating for 15 months.
At the end of 15 months we decided that we weren't sure we wanted to reunite, but we decided to go to a week long intensive counseling program. Again the story is very complicated... He was vacillating all over the place.
Eventually he moved back in with me. This all happened years ago. My daughter is now 16. I can tell you now that our marriage is better than ever. I'm not sure how much of my problem was hormonal vs. just being run-down and tired, vs. depression, vs. me feeling so hurt about the way he just didn't seem to care about me. (My hubby has some mental health issues that have added to our story and made it much more complicated.)
Also, I agree with Gary about the book, I was going to recommend the same one. There is one for men too. I think you should read it.
Your wife isn't on any meds is she? Antidepressants made me into a totally sexless creature, taking away much more than just my desire...
Ooops, you're right, w8ing. It's supposed to be the "sexiest". Butterfingers strikes again! On another note, I don't think I was being unkind to 806jjbz. I wouldn't know him if I bumped into him on the street. I was just giving a possible suggestion from a woman's point of view. Maybe the wife is just plain out and out cold....I don't know.
love,
Sopranette
Some additional notes:
If I'm overly tired, stressed or feeling hurt or angry, I just can't get into sex.
Make-up sex doesn't work for me. (Fortunately, I don't stay angry long.)
In addition to getting the books by Shaunti, which Gary brought up,
(http://www.shaunti.com/BooksStudies/tabid/123/Default.aspx)
how about a romantic get-away weekend?
how about a marriage encounter or enrichment weekend?
There are lots of different ones out there, here are a few links:
http://encounter.org/me.htm (http://encounter.org/me.htm)
http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204559/k.F5BB/Attend_a_conference.htm?DCMP=BAC-EMG+HP+WTR+Link&ATT=BoxLink (http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJHKLNnFoG/b.3204559/k.F5BB/Attend_a_conference.htm?DCMP=BAC-EMG+HP+WTR+Link&ATT=BoxLink)
If you google "marriage encounter" you will see lots of others besides the couple that I listed..
In a recent message our pastor said that he and his wife go on one of these weekends every year or two, even though their marriage is strong. They want to keep it that way.
The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex. If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before. The bottom line is: she just flat out isn't interested in sex.
: His Princess Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 07:54:58
The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex. If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before. The bottom line is: she just flat out isn't interested in sex.
Wow...I was just going to cut and paste your post to answer the previous post, you are spot on, she would totally think a weekend getaway was an elaborate play for sex, and your spot on with your last statement (well...mostly). She does like it very much when we do it, but yes, bottom line is, she just isnt into it much.
: chosenone Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 20:30:15
: His Princess Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 19:15:46
I don't know what's up with this but it seems to be some kind of epidemic in the church, as well as out in the world. You have no idea how many men my husband and I know and hear of that have the exact same problem as you. (But you'd think Christian wives would know better!)
All I can say is that she's wrong to be ignoring your needs like this. It sounds like you have, indeed, tried talking to her about it, you've been patient, you've done all the right things.
The only thing I can suggest is that perhaps you talk to your pastor ALONE and tell him everything. I think he should get an older, trusted, godly woman in the church to talk to your wife. I don't think any kind of "couples" counseling should occur, at least not in the very beginning because i have a strong feeling you'd end up getting bashed.
Talk to your pastor about it and see if something like this could be arranged.
And, yes, I agree with Sopranette just below me.
I agree with this, about the epidemic and how common this seems to be. If a women acts this way, how can she then be surprised when years later her husband has been unfaithful? Of course I am not saying that this is right, it isnt, but in some cases it is understandable when a wife wont let her husband have sex for months on end or even touch him in anyway. it sounds as of you are living more or less as room mates rather than husband or wife.
I feel that you have been rather unfairly treated by some on this forum when to me it sounds as if you are doing everything right, and really wanting to be able to love your wife and to feel loved. of course you are feeling bad, who wouldnt?.
This advice iabove s good I think, to maybe speak to your pastor or someone else like this who can listen to you and offer some help and advice. I suggsted counselling as I felt that this isnt going to go away on its own, but it may be a good idea for you to get a married couple to counsel you, rather than just one person who would probably be a female.
my husbands ex wife, made him feel like a sex pervert just because he asked for sex sometimes and this destroys a man, who only wants to be intimate with his wife and would never be unfaithful. it makes me so sad and is so wrong.To be rejected so often is very damaging for anyone, and eventually you may feel like not bothering anymore and withdraw emotionally as my husband did with his ex. Then she complained that he wasnt meeting her 'emotional' needs.
Selfishness is rife in marriage. no wonder so many are failing.
You hit it right on when you said " I just want to be able to love my wife and feel (emotionaly) LOVED....
This is exactly what I cant get her to hear, I keep telling her that its not the physical act of sex that I desire so much as the emotional warmth of feeling and knowing your spouse loves you...!! the sex is just icing on the cake if the love and security is there..
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 08:09:41
: His Princess Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 07:54:58
The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex. If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before. The bottom line is: she just flat out isn't interested in sex.
And that's where your wife, and others like her, and I diverge. I don't think there's anything wrong with my husband planning a weekend away so we can have some great sex! Call me crazy, but I happen to think it's awesome that my husband wants me so much all the time. I cannot imagine pushing his affections away. But, again, that's just me!
Wow...I was just going to cut and paste your post to answer the previous post, you are spot on, she would totally think a weekend getaway was an elaborate play for sex, and your spot on with your last statement (well...mostly). She does like it very much when we do it, but yes, bottom line is, she just isnt into it much.
: His Princess Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 08:33:22
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 08:09:41
: His Princess Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 07:54:58
The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex. If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before. The bottom line is: she just flat out isn't interested in sex.
And that's where your wife, and others like her, and I diverge. I don't think there's anything wrong with my husband planning a weekend away so we can have some great sex! Call me crazy, but I happen to think it's awesome that my husband wants me so much all the time. I cannot imagine pushing his affections away. But, again, that's just me!
Wow...I was just going to cut and paste your post to answer the previous post, you are spot on, she would totally think a weekend getaway was an elaborate play for sex, and your spot on with your last statement (well...mostly). She does like it very much when we do it, but yes, bottom line is, she just isnt into it much.
gee...maybe you should talk to her...lol
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 08:42:04
: His Princess Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 08:33:22
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 08:09:41
: His Princess Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 07:54:58
The weekend getaway is a good idea in and of itself, however, I suspect if he did that, his wife would think he was doing it only to get sex. If he completely stayed away from any mention or move toward sex during or after the weekend, then things would be exactly the same for him after the weekend as it was before. The bottom line is: she just flat out isn't interested in sex.
And that's where your wife, and others like her, and I diverge. I don't think there's anything wrong with my husband planning a weekend away so we can have some great sex! Call me crazy, but I happen to think it's awesome that my husband wants me so much all the time. I cannot imagine pushing his affections away. But, again, that's just me!
Wow...I was just going to cut and paste your post to answer the previous post, you are spot on, she would totally think a weekend getaway was an elaborate play for sex, and your spot on with your last statement (well...mostly). She does like it very much when we do it, but yes, bottom line is, she just isnt into it much.
gee...maybe you should talk to her...lol
I'd love to talk to wives like this. I've actually been considering writing some articles on the subject or something.
Some more scattered thoughts:
About the get -way weekend, I hear you, but I do think that getting her "away" might be what she needs.
I'm thinking she may have a need that isn't being met right now.
That's why I reccommended the "marriage encounter" type weekend.
One of the keys goals of those weekends is to rekindle that spark that is in the relationship before.
You spend a lot of time thinking about what you appreciate about your spouse... and sharing that information with them in a structured environment.
Another thing would be for her to have a good medical check up. This would be hard to accomplish though, because it seems she doesn't think she has a problem.
I'm also not sure how giving her a book to read would work. That's why I suggested you also read the book for men. If my husband asked me to read a book... I'd probably resent it. I happened to pick that book up on my own, and I LOVED it.
I do think it might be good for her to get involved with a good women's support group. A group for moms with young children. Does your church have anything like that?
Another video series/book I would recommend is the "Love & Respect" series by Emerson Eggerichs.
It's quite possible that your wife believes she is being loving, but doesn't quite understand she isn't meeting your needs, because she doesn't understand your needs.
: Gary Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 10:31:00
Another video series/book I would recommend is the "Love & Respect" series by Emerson Eggerichs.
It's quite possible that your wife believes she is being loving, but doesn't quite understand she isn't meeting your needs, because she doesn't understand your needs.
My sister really liked that book/video series and emailed me her notes.
I really didn't care for what she had listed in her notes, but our situations are very different than eachother. She's a stay at home, home-schooling mom. I am the chief breadwinner for my family.
(Not by choice.)
Some books written for Christian marriages... just don't seem to fit my situation, and I end up feeling resentful towards hubby when I read them. A resentful wife is not a good thing. :)
A agree with Gary though that she probably doesn't understand your needs, and there is a chance you don't understand hers.
I still think she just flat out doesn't want to do it, nothing much deeper than that. Didn't he explain how he did all these many, different things for her, all the "right" things, with no appreciation, and then I think he said something like if he forgets to wash a dish or something, she's all over him. I hope I'm remembering right. I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of you guys and your suggestions, it's just that my hub and I have talked with sooo many couples where the husband says the exact same thing that this man is saying, and at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to. She just doesn't want to do it.
I think a lot of wives have the wrong idea about sex in marriage. A lot of them think the husband has to "earn" it. If he's not good enough, he's not getting it. I tend to beleive more in what it says in Corinthians, you all know the passage I'm talking about.
Please don't anyone think I'm being contentious, not trying to be, just giving my thoughts from my perspecitve!!
: His Princess Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 10:52:47
I still think she just flat out doesn't want to do it, nothing much deeper than that. Didn't he explain how he did all these many, different things for her, all the "right" things, with no appreciation, and then I think he said something like if he forgets to wash a dish or something, she's all over him. I hope I'm remembering right. I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of you guys and your suggestions, it's just that my hub and I have talked with sooo many couples where the husband says the exact same thing that this man is saying, and at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to. She just doesn't want to do it.
I think a lot of wives have the wrong idea about sex in marriage. A lot of them think the husband has to "earn" it. If he's not good enough, he's not getting it. I tend to believe more in what it says in Corinthians, you all know the passage I'm talking about.
Please don't anyone think I'm being contentious, not trying to be, just giving my thoughts from my perspecitve!!
This is how I see it too. I dont think that anything he does for her is going to make any difference. We are clearly told not to stop having sex with our spouses, and what may happen if we do.We are told that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to each other. She may not 'feel' like having sex or touching or anything, but that doesnt mean that she cant do it for her husbands sake.
: chosenone Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 11:03:23
: His Princess Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 10:52:47
I still think she just flat out doesn't want to do it, nothing much deeper than that. Didn't he explain how he did all these many, different things for her, all the "right" things, with no appreciation, and then I think he said something like if he forgets to wash a dish or something, she's all over him. I hope I'm remembering right. I'm not necessarily disagreeing with any of you guys and your suggestions, it's just that my hub and I have talked with sooo many couples where the husband says the exact same thing that this man is saying, and at the end of the day, that's what it boils down to. She just doesn't want to do it.
I think a lot of wives have the wrong idea about sex in marriage. A lot of them think the husband has to "earn" it. If he's not good enough, he's not getting it. I tend to believe more in what it says in Corinthians, you all know the passage I'm talking about.
Please don't anyone think I'm being contentious, not trying to be, just giving my thoughts from my perspecitve!!
This is how I see it too. I dont think that anything he does for her is going to make any difference. We are clearly told not to stop having sex with our spouses, and what may happen if we do.We are told that our bodies are not our own but that they belong to each other. She may not 'feel' like having sex or touching or anything, but that doesnt mean that she cant do it for her husbands sake.
Obviously, I agree totally!! I don't understand wives who do this to their husbands, whom they supposedly love. And one other thing I'd like to comment on, what is this Love Languages stuff I keep hearing about? I know it's by a well know, respected Christian author, and please note that I am saying flat out there is absolutely nothing wrong with the concept and I am certain there are very, very good ideas in that book BUT people act like it's God-breathed Scripture, for goodness sake!! Let's get back to Scripture and loving each other the way we are supposed to!
I know a lot of people talk about the love languages thing, Iam totally not criticizing it at all. I just think people need to realize while it's a great idea, it's not like it's Scripture or something.
Princess.,
I've been there many times when I just didn't want to do it.
I think there may be valid reasons that she doesn't want to.
If we love someone, and have made a commitment to them, we will do things (within reason) whether we want to or not.
We are commanded to love and respect, whether we want to or not.
I'm just suggesting she may have her own needs that aren't being met.
I do think that counseling or a marraige retreat may help.
: w8ing4daybreak Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 11:22:34
Princess.,
I've been there many times when I just didn't want to do it.
I think there may be valid reasons that she doesn't want to.
If we love someone, and have made a commitment to them, we will do things (within reason) whether we want to or not.
We are commanded to love and respect, whether we want to or not.
I'm just suggesting she may have her own needs that aren't being met.
I do think that counseling or a marraige retreat may help.
It sure can't hurt! You never know!
I'd like to wholeheartedly reccommend the seminar that's discussed at http://www.marriagesaver.com. Take a look, it can be a marriage saver!
Everyone:
thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo... ::frown::
Still not sure what to do in the meantime...
Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....
Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 11:58:42
Everyone:
thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo... ::frown::
Still not sure what to do in the meantime...
Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....
Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?
I believe you "earned" it the day you put the ring on her finger. I wonder how she would feel if you decided that you didn't "feel" like going to work, or that you would only work if she jumped through a dozen hoops to get you in the mood to go to work? If a man decides he doesn't want to work, he's called a bum. But if a woman decides she doesn't have to be intimate with her husband.....that's okay.
When you're in a Christian marriage, there is ONE place a man is supposed to go for sex/intimacy and that's his wife. Now if the wife decides she doesn't want to do it, then it puts the husband in a very bad position. He can't go elsewhere, but she won't provide it for him, so what is he supposed to do?
ALSO, the husband is supposed to be monogamous, but his wife pushes him away. Again, what is he supposed to do??
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 11:58:42
Everyone:
thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo... ::frown::
Still not sure what to do in the meantime...
Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....
Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?
wow, you mean that she actually tells you that if you arent 'good' enough you wont be able to have sex??????that is one controlling lady. that is a terrible way to treat anyone. Goodness what does she think she is doing!!!!!
I hope that counselling helps anyway but it sounds as is she need to make some very very big changes unless she wants to ruin everything you have together.
: chosenone Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 12:20:12
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 11:58:42
Everyone:
thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo... ::frown::
Still not sure what to do in the meantime...
Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....
Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?
wow, you mean that she actually tells you that if you arent 'good' enough you wont be able to have sex??????that is one controlling lady. that is a terrible way to treat anyone. Goodness what does she think she is doing!!!!!
I hope that counselling helps anyway but it sounds as is she need to make some very very big changes unless she wants to ruin everything you have together.
Yes she actually says that, its always kind of half-jokingly, but you know what they say about there always being some truth to "jokes"
I wouldn't want any.
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 11:58:42
Everyone:
thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo... ::frown::
Still not sure what to do in the meantime...
Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....
Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?
Yes it makes sense, and - to be honest - I wouldn't want any of her either for that matter. Not to be too blunt, especially without all the facts and due to my only rapidly peeking at the posts - sounds like she is getting it on the side. Perhaps that is why she ain't in the mood... now. (Granted, I may be way off!)
: zoonance Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 13:11:54
I wouldn't want any.: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 11:58:42
Everyone:
thanks for the input, and the book suggestions, I found out she may be willing to go to counseling...yay!! only thing is we cant get in to see our counselor until January...boo... ::frown::
Still not sure what to do in the meantime...
Btw, to sgree with another of Pricesses posts, yes, she is the type that feels a husband has to "earn it" she has told me this time and time again, if im not "good" enough (helping out, dishes, cleaning, whatever..) I aint gettin any....
Also, the notion of her doing it "for my sake" is very unappealing to me, I dont like the idea of her grudgingly "doing it", although most of the time, thats exactly what happens..."just let him have it so he'll quit bothering me about it"...I dont like sex like that.
I want her to truly want and desire me just as much as I feel for her...make sense?
Yes it makes sense, and - to be honest - I wouldn't want any of her either for that matter. Not to be too blunt, especially without all the facts and due to my only rapidly peeking at the posts - sounds like she is getting it on the side. Perhaps that is why she ain't in the mood... now. (Granted, I may be way off!)
Yeah, your'e way off, beleive me, shes NOT the "on the side" type, If I know anything about her character and inner person, that would be it..
Back when we were having our issues, I had no desire. Hubby was sure I must be getting it elsewhere, accused me of such. His accusing me didn't help with my desire issues at all and in part led to our separation.
I would like to make a couple of comments about your situation.
One, I have been through this before. I was the "trophy" husband I guess you could say. Successful, very stable, codependent personality (giver), etc...But after we were married, things definitely changed. The challenge was over for her I guess. It was a very miserable existence for me. 10 years living like that. TEN years..And no, it never got better. And no, I never and would have never divorced her. She left me (several times) for another man.
Two, as some of the others have pointed out, she is very selfish. Period.
As far the others telling you to basically "accept" it and concentrate on her needs, well, I have been there done that and all that will get you is months of no sex and she gets a vacation from her daily life. Let me guess. You have spent MANY days and nights cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids and being a "beck and call service" center for your wife. Only to be told over and over, "I am not in the mood. Gosh, what is wrong with you?" Now, if I am wrong and you have had a "I cold care less about her feelings" attitude, all bets are off and my post is all for naught. But I do not think that is the deal here. Marriage is give and take. Unless others have been in a relationship with an "all taker" type person, they do not understand. You can give the world to these types of people and it will mean nothing. They are a "what have you done for me today" type. Your whole body of work doesn't make any difference.
Let me be the first to say that having sex every 6-8 weeks is bull. She may not see it as a problem but it is. The bible is very clear about this subject. What is her opinion on the biblical scriptures about marriage? Ephesians, Colossians, Corinthians, etc... I find it very strange that a dedicated Christian woman would treat her husband like this. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 13:14:41
Yeah, your'e way off, believe me, shes NOT the "on the side" type, If I know anything about her character and inner person, that would be it..
About the quote above, I said the same thing when I was married to my first wife. Well, she wasn't a "on the side type" either but she was definitely "getting it" on the side. Human are very "physical" creatures. I have never seen a situation where a NORMAL woman or man has no sex drive. With in reasonable ages of course. They are either fulfilling their desire out side of the confines of marriage or they have a mental/medical condition that is undiagnosed. I have NEVER seen any other case.
I will pray for you two. I hope you can get some counseling and possibly she can seek medical help to see what the problem is. But I have definitely been there, done that. I feel for you buddy. Stay strong. Put it at the Lords feet. Stay in prayer.
But there is nothing wrong with you expressing you feelings of rejection to your wife either. She should feel uncomfortable about this situation. You do!
: Mac Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 19:36:57
I would like to make a couple of comments about your situation.
One, I have been through this before. I was the "trophy" husband I guess you could say. Successful, very stable, codependent personality (giver), etc...But after we were married, things definitely changed. The challenge was over for her I guess. It was a very miserable existence for me. 10 years living like that. TEN years..And no, it never got better. And no, I never and would have never divorced her. She left me (several times) for another man.
Two, as some of the others have pointed out, she is very selfish. Period.
As far the others telling you to basically "accept" it and concentrate on her needs, well, I have been there done that and all that will get you is months of no sex and she gets a vacation from her daily life. Let me guess. You have spent MANY days and nights cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids and being a "beck and call service" center for your wife. Only to be told over and over, "I am not in the mood. Gosh, what is wrong with you?" Now, if I am wrong and you have had a "I cold care less about her feelings" attitude, all bets are off and my post is all for naught. But I do not think that is the deal here. Marriage is give and take. Unless others have been in a relationship with an "all taker" type person, they do not understand. You can give the world to these types of people and it will mean nothing. They are a "what have you done for me today" type. Your whole body of work doesn't make any difference.
Let me be the first to say that having sex every 6-8 weeks is bull. She may not see it as a problem but it is. The bible is very clear about this subject. What is her opinion on the biblical scriptures about marriage? Ephesians, Colossians, Corinthians, etc... I find it very strange that a dedicated Christian woman would treat her husband like this. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 13:14:41
Yeah, your'e way off, believe me, shes NOT the "on the side" type, If I know anything about her character and inner person, that would be it..
About the quote above, I said the same thing when I was married to my first wife. Well, she wasn't a "on the side type" either but she was definitely "getting it" on the side. Human are very "physical" creatures. I have never seen a situation where a NORMAL woman or man has no sex drive. With in reasonable ages of course. They are either fulfilling their desire out side of the confines of marriage or they have a mental/medical condition that is undiagnosed. I have NEVER seen any other case.
I will pray for you two. I hope you can get some counseling and possibly she can seek medical help to see what the problem is. But I have definitely been there, done that. I feel for you buddy. Stay strong. Put it at the Lords feet. Stay in prayer.
But there is nothing wrong with you expressing you feelings of rejection to your wife either. She should feel uncomfortable about this situation. You do!
Wow, you are very well spoken. Even though this isn't my particular problem, I thank you for sharing your story, I hope it's an inspiration to other men in this situation. I agree with everything you said, esp. the part about him jumping through all these hoops for her in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he'll get to have sex with her. I say this all the time. When a wife is like this, it doesn't matter how romantic he is, how much of her "love language" he speaks, how much money he makes, how much he does around the house, etc, etc, it will NOT change anything! Sadly, people often think the husband must be a real jerk or something.
Also, I hope you have found, or will find, the love of a really GOOD woman, a wife who will love you the way you deserve. It's a beautiful thing to have a marriage like that. Thanks again for sharing your story.
Mac, I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish.
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire. NONE. The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me. I wasn't getting it anywhere else. And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse. No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have. I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse.
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be.
: w8ing4daybreak Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 07:31:28
Mac, I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish.
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire. NONE. The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me. I wasn't getting it anywhere else. And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse. No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have. I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse.
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be.
So I wonder if this guy's wife has had a recent miscarriage?
: Mac Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 19:36:57
I would like to make a couple of comments about your situation.
One, I have been through this before. I was the "trophy" husband I guess you could say. Successful, very stable, codependent personality (giver), etc...But after we were married, things definitely changed. The challenge was over for her I guess. It was a very miserable existence for me. 10 years living like that. TEN years..And no, it never got better. And no, I never and would have never divorced her. She left me (several times) for another man.
Two, as some of the others have pointed out, she is very selfish. Period.
As far the others telling you to basically "accept" it and concentrate on her needs, well, I have been there done that and all that will get you is months of no sex and she gets a vacation from her daily life. Let me guess. You have spent MANY days and nights cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids and being a "beck and call service" center for your wife. Only to be told over and over, "I am not in the mood. Gosh, what is wrong with you?" Now, if I am wrong and you have had a "I cold care less about her feelings" attitude, all bets are off and my post is all for naught. But I do not think that is the deal here. Marriage is give and take. Unless others have been in a relationship with an "all taker" type person, they do not understand. You can give the world to these types of people and it will mean nothing. They are a "what have you done for me today" type. Your whole body of work doesn't make any difference.
Let me be the first to say that having sex every 6-8 weeks is bull. She may not see it as a problem but it is. The bible is very clear about this subject. What is her opinion on the biblical scriptures about marriage? Ephesians, Colossians, Corinthians, etc... I find it very strange that a dedicated Christian woman would treat her husband like this. I'm sorry, but I do not get it.
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 13, 2008 - 13:14:41
Yeah, your'e way off, believe me, shes NOT the "on the side" type, If I know anything about her character and inner person, that would be it..
About the quote above, I said the same thing when I was married to my first wife. Well, she wasn't a "on the side type" either but she was definitely "getting it" on the side. Human are very "physical" creatures. I have never seen a situation where a NORMAL woman or man has no sex drive. With in reasonable ages of course. They are either fulfilling their desire out side of the confines of marriage or they have a mental/medical condition that is undiagnosed. I have NEVER seen any other case.
I will pray for you two. I hope you can get some counseling and possibly she can seek medical help to see what the problem is. But I have definitely been there, done that. I feel for you buddy. Stay strong. Put it at the Lords feet. Stay in prayer.
But there is nothing wrong with you expressing you feelings of rejection to your wife either. She should feel uncomfortable about this situation. You do!
Wow MAC, you must be a fly on the wall in my house!
Everything you said is spot on. yes, "accepting" it and comcentrating on her needs does nothing but give here a break from everything, and noths on end of no sex for me, it changes nothing.
And, your guess is spot on too. Here's a typical day for me, I get up at 6:30 am, I go into my daughters room to wake her up for school, try to get myself ready and my daughter ready, fed, hair brushed, etc..then I take her to school, then im off to work. (I am a commercial construction project manager overseeing just over 100 million dollars of construction projects in progress as we speak). I try to get out of work between 4:30 and 5, then I drive to my daughters school to pick her up, then I drive home, once I walk in the door I begin my second job, I take out the trash, try to get some family time at dinner before I clean the kitchen, put away leftovers, etc...after dinner, she usually goes off to take a bath, unless I she has a to-do list for me. By now its around 7:30 or 8...kids bedtime, I give them both a bath, get them dressed for bed, fill everyones sippy cups, etc, then I try to get them both in bed at the same time (they share a room), well, by now its 8:30, shes had her bath and is now reading in bed, and will do so until she falls asleep. This is a difficult situation, yes she reads till she falls asleep, but shes reading either the bible, or a christian book of some sort, so I really dont want to discourage her from being in the word, so I'm not sure what to do about that if anything. anyway, the hour and a half or two hours she spends reading, etc is usually peppered with little "beck and call" requests like; "can you bring me some water?" "Can you bring me the phone?" etc..etc...so now its 10:30 or later, she either already asleep or almost asleep, so I get my shower (if the girls are finally asleep) and I crawl into bed next to her, shes usually wearing a t-shirt and panties (sorry to be graphic) and I'm just supposed to not notice and go to sleep only to start it all over again in 7 hours..... ::cryingtears::If shes not already asleep, she usually wants me to rub her back until she goes to sleep, and yes, pretty much all I get for a response if I hint at anything is "im tired", etc, etc
Side note to this; If my youngest (shes almost 4yrs) wakes up during the night (which is at least 6 or 7 times in a week)or any one is sick, etc..guess who gets up at all hours to go check on daughters.....ME.... 99.9% of the time its me.
Now, again, I am not here to bash her, I do truly love her, and I dont want it to sound like she never does anything in the evenings because she does, just not often because she feels like it should be "my turn" at night..and I most ceartainly do not have a "I could care less about her feelings" attitude towards her.
Thanks for your input!
: His Princess Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 07:36:11
: w8ing4daybreak Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 07:31:28
Mac, I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish.
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire. NONE. The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me. I wasn't getting it anywhere else. And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse. No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have. I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse.
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be.
So I wonder if this guy's wife has had a recent miscarriage?
No, no recent or past miscarriage, and no medical problem either, been there done that..
: His Princess Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 07:36:11
: w8ing4daybreak Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 07:31:28
Mac, I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish.
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire. NONE. The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me. I wasn't getting it anywhere else. And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse. No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have. I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse.
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be.
So I wonder if this guy's wife has had a recent miscarriage?
I'm not trying to suggest that. There are times when a woman genuinely looses her sex drive. It's happened to me. She really should have a physical, and bring this issue up, which I doubt is going to happen because she doesn't seem to see it as a problem. Hopefully she will become more aware through counseling.
Okay, I guess you just posted while I was preparing this. You are saying that she has had a physical where this was explored? Sorry then if this does not apply. I just wanted to show how common this problem is.I just googled this topic. This is part of an article from:
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/lackingsexdrive.htm (http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/lackingsexdrive.htm)
Lack of sex drive in women (lack of libido)
Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist and Christine Webber, psychotherapist
Lack of sex drive (lack of libido) is common in women, but quite rare in men. The American Medical Association has estimated that several million US women suffer from what doctors there call 'female sexual arousal disorder' (FSAD).
However, there seems to be an FSAD bandwagon, driven by doctors who think that nearly half the female population (43 per cent) lack sex drive. Such a high number really doesn't seem likely.
In the UK, family planning clinics and Relate clinics see quite large numbers of women who complain of low libido. Our estimate is that at any one time, several hundred thousand women in Britain are troubled by lack of sex drive.
Many of these women have no problems with having orgasms. Rather, they have no real desire to have sex and their minds are not turned on by the prospect of love-making.
Fortunately, for many women lack of libido is only temporary. Some will get over it by themselves, and a lot more can be helped by expert medical or psychosexual advice.
What are the causes of lack of libido in women?
As is the case with men, lack of desire in women can be of either physical or psychological origin.
Physical causes
o Anaemia, which is very common in women because of iron loss during periods.
o Alcoholism.
o Drug abuse.
o Major diseases such as diabetes.
o Post-baby coolness, a term we have coined for the loss of libido that often happens after childbirth. It is almost certainly linked to hormonal changes that occur at this time. The general trauma of childbirth also plays a part - and after having a baby, many women are too exhausted to think about sex.
o Prescribed drugs, particularly tranquillisers.
o Hyperprolactinaemia - a rare disorder in which the pituitary gland is overactive.
o Other hormone abnormalities: leading Swiss gynaecologist Dr Michael Nemec claims that abnormalities in the production of luteinising hormone (LH) often cause lack of desire. And top British gynaecologist John Studd says that many women who have lost their libido lack androgenic (male) hormones. This view remains controversial.
You may be surprised that we haven't mentioned the menopause as a physical cause of loss of desire.
Contrary to myth, the menopause doesn't usually cause loss of libido, and many women feel a lot sexier and have more orgasms in the postmenopausal part of their life.
Psychological causes
These causes are very common. It's understandable that when a woman is having a bad time emotionally, she may lose interest in sex.
Psychological causes include:
o depression
o stress and overwork
o anxiety
o hang-ups from childhood
o past sexual abuse or rape
o latent lesbianism
o serious relationship problems with your partner
o difficult living conditions, eg sharing a home with parents or parents-in-law.
: His Princess Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 06:09:23
Wow, you are very well spoken. Even though this isn't my particular problem, I thank you for sharing your story, I hope it's an inspiration to other men in this situation. I agree with everything you said, esp. the part about him jumping through all these hoops for her in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he'll get to have sex with her. I say this all the time. When a wife is like this, it doesn't matter how romantic he is, how much of her "love language" he speaks, how much money he makes, how much he does around the house, etc, etc, it will NOT change anything! Sadly, people often think the husband must be a real jerk or something.
Also, I hope you have found, or will find, the love of a really GOOD woman, a wife who will love you the way you deserve. It's a beautiful thing to have a marriage like that. Thanks again for sharing your story.
I have been there and done that for sure. The, "If you give me this or that" or "If you do this for me, you might get lucky." Even after all of this, and feeling like a first timer, nothing.
Lucky? I just really do not think luck should be involved. I have been through this so many times. For someone to use there body as a weapon or a bribery tool is disgusting.
As far as meeting someone, I am married to a Godly, Christian woman who loves me. We have been married for almost 7 years. I thank God for her every day. She is a instruction booklet of what a Christian wife should be. Total difference in the two relationships. I once told my wife that we had sex more in the first year of our marriage than I did in 10 years of marriage to my ex. And that was not an exaggeration. She laughed..I almost cried..LOL...
But, thanks for the compliment.
: w8ing4daybreak Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 07:31:28
Mac, I do respect you, and I agree that she is being very selfish.
BUT, I will also say that I have gone through a period of time like that after my daughter was born and after my miscarriage when I had absolutely no desire. NONE. The whole idea of sex was repulsive to me. I wasn't getting it anywhere else. And having my hubby assume that I was and accuse me of that made matters worse. No, I didn't make him go weeks without either, but I did turn him down way more often then I should have. I did go on an antidepressant, but that just made things worse.
I think part of the problem was that I was overwhelmed with the task of being a mom... It was a lot more tiring/difficult than I thought it would be.
I appreciate your kind words. I would consider what you went through a medical/mental problem. There was a reason for what you went through. And like you said, you were intimate with him. This woman is a totally different story though. I read your post down the board also. That kind of solidifies what I was saying; there is always a reason. Whether it is medical or mental. People have physical desires. Period. And if you don't, something is amiss.
: 806jjbz Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 08:35:50
Wow MAC, you must be a fly on the wall in my house!
Everything you said is spot on. yes, "accepting" it and comcentrating on her needs does nothing but give here a break from everything, and noths on end of no sex for me, it changes nothing.
And, your guess is spot on too. Here's a typical day for me, I get up at 6:30 am, I go into my daughters room to wake her up for school, try to get myself ready and my daughter ready, fed, hair brushed, etc..then I take her to school, then im off to work. (I am a commercial construction project manager overseeing just over 100 million dollars of construction projects in progress as we speak). I try to get out of work between 4:30 and 5, then I drive to my daughters school to pick her up, then I drive home, once I walk in the door I begin my second job, I take out the trash, try to get some family time at dinner before I clean the kitchen, put away leftovers, etc...after dinner, she usually goes off to take a bath, unless I she has a to-do list for me. By now its around 7:30 or 8...kids bedtime, I give them both a bath, get them dressed for bed, fill everyones sippy cups, etc, then I try to get them both in bed at the same time (they share a room), well, by now its 8:30, shes had her bath and is now reading in bed, and will do so until she falls asleep. This is a difficult situation, yes she reads till she falls asleep, but shes reading either the bible, or a christian book of some sort, so I really dont want to discourage her from being in the word, so I'm not sure what to do about that if anything. anyway, the hour and a half or two hours she spends reading, etc is usually peppered with little "beck and call" requests like; "can you bring me some water?" "Can you bring me the phone?" etc..etc...so now its 10:30 or later, she either already asleep or almost asleep, so I get my shower (if the girls are finally asleep) and I crawl into bed next to her, shes usually wearing a t-shirt and panties (sorry to be graphic) and I'm just supposed to not notice and go to sleep only to start it all over again in 7 hours..... ::cryingtears::If shes not already asleep, she usually wants me to rub her back until she goes to sleep, and yes, pretty much all I get for a response if I hint at anything is "im tired", etc, etc
Side note to this; If my youngest (shes almost 4yrs) wakes up during the night (which is at least 6 or 7 times in a week)or any one is sick, etc..guess who gets up at all hours to go check on daughters.....ME.... 99.9% of the time its me.
Now, again, I am not here to bash her, I do truly love her, and I dont want it to sound like she never does anything in the evenings because she does, just not often because she feels like it should be "my turn" at night..and I most ceartainly do not have a "I could care less about her feelings" attitude towards her.
Thanks for your input!
Man, I hate it for you. There is definitely a reason for it. I know how frustrating it is to live like this. And sadly, it will not get better until you find out what is the cause.
I applaud you for being a wonderful father and husband. It is hard to continue to do and do with no "reward" in the end. It is a shame to look at it that way, but that is exactly what it has become. I know the feeling...You sit there, almost quivering...Thinking, maybe tonight's the night..It is the smallest thing that gets you thinking about it. A look..A gentle touch that would otherwise be totally innocent..The t-shirt and panties thing you mentioned..But because you are starved for physical intimacy, it means something to you..Buddy, I have been there. And I am here to tell you, it isn't fair. And it isn't right...No matter what she or anyone says...Contrary to what your wife says, it is normal for a man, who loves his wife and is attracted to her, to be "turned on" in her presence. Especially when you have been "starved for affection".
I would almost be willing to say she is suffering from depression or hormonal issues, but it seems you have checked into this and found nothing.
As I posted earlier, something is definitely wrong. It just needs to be diagnosed. Was she abused as a child or anything like that? As far as the other, only you would know if there are warning signs of "outside" interference. But I can say this with certainty... Something is not right..
Make sure you stay in prayer and leave it at the Lords feet. I know how frustrating it is...Just look to the Lord for strength. But definitely seek answers through counseling and/or medical/mental treatment.
I am not sure that there is neccessarily a cause as such. There are those around who just cant be bothered to please their spouses, and if they dont 'feel' like it they dont do it. it doesnt sound to me as if she is depressed, just selfish and controlling and wanting her cake and eat it.
Your situation sounds so like that of my husband and his exwife. She was very selfish, very controlling. very bossy, a taker, and he was always the giver.
He did so much around the house, as well as working full time (she didnt work at that time either) he did over half of all the jobs as well as spending loads of time looking after their two boys.She never appreciated him and totally took him for granted, and because he is such a lovely guy. he took it all and kept on trying to please her. She controlled their sex life totally, and sometimes made him feel like a pervert when he wanted sex .If 'she' didnt want to have sex, they didnt have sex, simple as that. No compromise, no discussion.That is no way to treat a man, it can destroy him. Where is the love, where is the giving?
She then met somone else, had an affair and divorced my husband.
He says it was like coming out of prison for the first time and although he hated having to get divorced (he never would have divorced her), he is happier than he has ever been now and has a wife who adores him and appreciates him. She however is still alone 4 years later. Hopefully she has had time to reflect now.
I pray that things will work out better for you in your marriage. keep praying and keep hoping for the best ::smile::
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
This may not be the long-suffering response that everyone else will give you, but I think you should definitely do that. You need to do something to get her attention. I also think the way you described your evenings when you return home from work is grossly unfair to you. At this point, she has no incentive to change her ways or to look towards YOU because she has everything arranged exactly the way she wants it. Why would she want to change anything? DO IT!
: chosenone Fri Nov 14, 2008 - 22:48:48
I am not sure that there is neccessarily a cause as such. There are those around who just cant be bothered to please their spouses, and if they dont 'feel' like it they dont do it. it doesnt sound to me as if she is depressed, just selfish and controlling and wanting her cake and eat it.
Your situation sounds so like that of my husband and his exwife. She was very selfish, very controlling. very bossy, a taker, and he was always the giver.
He did so much around the house, as well as working full time (she didnt work at that time either) he did over half of all the jobs as well as spending loads of time looking after their two boys.She never appreciated him and totally took him for granted, and because he is such a lovely guy. he took it all and kept on trying to please her. She controlled their sex life totally, and sometimes made him feel like a pervert when he wanted sex .If 'she' didnt want to have sex, they didnt have sex, simple as that. No compromise, no discussion.That is no way to treat a man, it can destroy him. Where is the love, where is the giving?
She then met somone else, had an affair and divorced my husband.
He says it was like coming out of prison for the first time and although he hated having to get divorced (he never would have divorced her), he is happier than he has ever been now and has a wife who adores him and appreciates him. She however is still alone 4 years later. Hopefully she has had time to reflect now.
I pray that things will work out better for you in your marriage. keep praying and keep hoping for the best ::smile::
Yep, I totally agree.
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
I am sorry, but it sounds as though, you are not taking care of her needs. You are so caught up into what you are missing, and not trying to identify....The root of the problem she has with you...
There is obviously a problem, that is preventing her from being the loving woman, you met and fell in love with. So, no matter what you do, unless you find out what she needs.....The the problem will not go away.
It will only get worse
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.
My husband, as well as chosenone's husband, AND many, many other couples and men my husband and I have talked with, were previously married to women like this. Ya gotta believe me when I say, these men all bent over backwards doing EVERYTHING and more to make these women happy. They're just takers and they have no conscience whatsoever in ignoring their husbands or giving a speck of anything back to them.
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.
Believe me, you can never do enough for some people. it will NEVER be enough no matter what you do. If you have read this mans posts you will see what he is doing. he is bending over backwards to please her, doing far more than most husbands would in his position. He is meeting her physical needs such as a back rub and foot massage etc he is doing loads around the house and with the children, but she isnt meeting HIS needs.
To say that she isnt getting her needs met is putting all the blame on him and none of the responsibilty on her. She sounds very selfish and self centred. As long as he does all these things for her, she will never have to change.
However 806jjbz, it may not work as if my husband has done this with his ex, she would only have taken it as more proof that he isnt 'good enough' and isnt meeting 'her' needs. That was all she cared about, having her needs met, and it never changed in 23 years.
Sorry to sound downbeat but that is the way it was. She was a very hugh maintenance lady, and he is very easy to please so he was taken advantage of and it still makes me mad, as she convined everyone that she divorced him because of HIS failures, even though she went and had an affair eventually. I AM working on forgiving her by the way. please pray for me ::doh::
Is there a Christian guy maybe at church that you could meet with who could give some advice and maybe pray with you about this? Or maybe a Christian couple who you could both go to?
Unfortunately unless she is able to see how selfish she is being, she will never see the need to change anything.
My husband and I have just done the marriage course, which is similar to the alpha course but for married couples. it was very good and it may help if you could find one in your area. It covers lots of things including ther sex part, and communication and forgiveness etc.
if you look up on google, type in the marriage course, and it will enable you to see if there is one in your area.
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.
Ok Ok, Corbley and Princess no fighting...lol
Corbley, I have to agree with Princess, I have been giving her everything she has ever told me she wanted, because believe me, I have asked what it is that she wants many many times in our relationship, I am meeting those needs as best I possibly can, it does no good because she feels like all the things I do are things im "supposed to do anyway" (her exact words). So in short, the more I "turn it up" the more turned off she becomes because in my opinion, it makes me seem smothering and needy, and I know for a fact that women do not respond to that. I do spoil her with the little things I do, and she most certainly doesnt feel any "guilt" about our sex life, she still just thinks my "issues" are ridiculous and she tells me so anytime it comes up. She simply does NOT see a problem because its just NOT important to her, thus, it does nothing but make her frustrated for me to even bring it up....anytime I try to have a "sex" talk she immediately goes on the defensive, so the conversation has already gone bad before it even starts, then she just proceeds to make me feel somehow wrong for wanting my own wife in a sexual way, she has an uncanny ability to take any given subject and make me feel like im the one who's wrong...that is really frustrating too. The way she ends any discussion of sex even before it starts is this; she just simply says, "well if your not happy, maybe i should just take the kids and leave" (exact quote).
That quote is THE reason I stay, and boy it works everytime...she knows how much I love my kids and she knows that I will put in another 15 years or so with her in the exact state our marriage is in now until they are out of the house...she KNOWS I will out of my love for them, so wheres the incentive for her to change??
Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"
me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"
She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"
me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"
She: "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"
we both went to sleep....
.....what a beautiful marriage... ::frown::
That's really disturbing. Couldn't you have joint custody of the kids or something?
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
Personally, I think that's a really bad idea. That could be the beginning of a Cold War in your own marriage, where sex is the currency used to reward or punish. But really, I'm no profesional, and that's what the two of you really need.
love,
Sopranette
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:37:42
That's really disturbing. Couldn't you have joint custody of the kids or something?
See, theres the problem, I will not be without my kids, and I do not want to deny her of the kids either....so were stuck...
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.
Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"
me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"
She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"
me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"
She: "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"
we both went to sleep....
.....what a beautiful marriage... ::frown::
Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:47:09
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:37:42
That's really disturbing. Couldn't you have joint custody of the kids or something?
See, theres the problem, I will not be without my kids, and I do not want to deny her of the kids either....so were stuck...
You could live nearby each other. Anyway, if that's not an option, can you talk to your pastor, tell him the whole deal, and have him or a godly, older woman at your church talk with her? Other than that and what you've already said, I can't think of anything else to try. You said she's usually reading a Christian book at night, maybe someone could give her a book that helps wives understand their husbands better and treat them better.
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:52:48
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.
Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"
me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"
She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"
me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"
She: "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"
we both went to sleep....
.....what a beautiful marriage... ::frown::
Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........
In my opinion, it won't matter. She won't change because she knows she's "got him". Although why someone would want to treat someone they're supposed to love like that is beyond me.
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:52:48
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.
Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"
me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"
She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"
me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"
She: "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"
we both went to sleep....
.....what a beautiful marriage... ::frown::
Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........
Corbley, your missing the point....
He's missing the point because he doesn't realize you've already done all that stuff, been down that road with her.
His advice is good for a normal situation, but not one where the wife just doesn't want to respond for any reason.
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:57:39
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:52:48
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.
Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"
me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"
She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"
me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"
She: "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"
we both went to sleep....
.....what a beautiful marriage... ::frown::
Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........
Corbley, your missing the point....
Based on the words you are writing, I do not believe I am. I hear that you are giving her what you THINK she needs......There is something deeper that is troubling her and giving her an extra massage will not discover what it is.........Have a glass of wine and have a deep intimate talk......With out physical contact (or you wanting sex) Talk to your wife, not about your days events, but why you love her, how her eyes sparkle, you love it when she wears ????, you love the way she does, Make her feel apprciated for more than just her body....
And I know you are trying to get there....but physical contact is not the way to do it.......
When you were dating, you just wanted to be with her...And you didn't care if you had sex on a given night.....Now she senses, that you know you are with her, and part of her DUTIES as a wife is to give you sex.....Sex has become a chore for her.....Make it something she wants to give you.............And massages are to intimate and leading....Try taking her to a theatre show she has never seen
Awww.....you sweetheart, Corbley.
love,
Sopranette
Corbley, as far as the back massages go, I think he was doing that because she asks him to.
Also, just a general question, why do some wives take it as like some sort of insult that their husband wants to have sex with them, or like it's something to be avoided. What is up with that? I JUST DON'T GET THAT!!!
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 14:33:58
Corbley, as far as the back massages go, I think he was doing that because she asks him to.
Also, just a general question, why do some wives take it as like some sort of insult that their husband wants to have sex with them, or like it's something to be avoided. What is up with that? I JUST DON'T GET THAT!!!
I agree His princess.
corbley
He askes her always what she needs. He does far over and above what most men would do. Have you ever considered the fact that she may be a selfish person? no more no less? The fact that whenever he tries to talk to her about his unhapiness, she threatens to leave with the kids is absolutely appalling, and cruel. it is manipuative and controlling. What a thing to say?? I just cant believe that. (although maybe I can because I know one or two people like that myself.)
Also if I remember rightly he said earlier that it isnt just sex that he would like but just some normal affection, maybe such as a cuddle or maybe even a back rub for himself for a change! She really is playing with fire. She has no appreciation of what she has and she had better start thinking seriously
;about the way she is acting.
: chosenone Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:12:04
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 14:33:58
Corbley, as far as the back massages go, I think he was doing that because she asks him to.
Also, just a general question, why do some wives take it as like some sort of insult that their husband wants to have sex with them, or like it's something to be avoided. What is up with that? I JUST DON'T GET THAT!!!
I agree His princess.
corbley
He askes her always what she needs. He does far over and above what most men would do. Have you ever considered the fact that she may be a selfish person? no more no less? The fact that whenever he tries to talk to her about his unhapiness, she threatens to leave with the kids is absolutely appalling, and cruel. it is manipuative and controlling. What a thing to say?? I just cant believe that. (although maybe I can because I know one or two people like that myself.)
Also if I remember rightly he said earlier that it isnt just sex that he would like but just some normal affection, maybe such as a cuddle or maybe even a back rub for himself for a change! She really is playing with fire. She has no appreciation of what she has and she had better start thinking seriously
;about the way she is acting.
Yea, and how come nobody ever talks anymore about how the wife should be treating her husband and responding to him, respecting him, etc? I never see that anywhere anymore. I think feminism has entrenched itself into the church.
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 14:26:25
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:57:39
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:52:48
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 13:26:23
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:16:00
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:05:46
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:04:35
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 10:01:08
: Corbley Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:58:33
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 09:50:45
Ok, I have been reading all the posts on all the boards I am on, I want to try something and see if it has any effect. I want everyones opinion..
I would like to just simply stop doing the physical stuff that she has become acustomed to, such as the bedtime backrubs, feet rubs, etc etc, I think I should just simply start turning her down for the same "reasons" as she turns me down, (too tired, etc) I dont want to be mean or anything, just kind of phase it out and see if rejecting her physical needs has any effect.
What does everyone think?
I am no expert, but it doesnt sound like a good plan.....I would suggest the opposite.....Turn it UP! And expect nothing in return. If she loves you, she will want to fulfill your needs as well.....Go out of your way to make her feel secure and show her your love by turning it up....Give her more backrubs, make her a dinner and do the dishes, buy her something nice....spoil her, Eventually, she will feel guilty and WANT to do something for you.
Your way, could potentially backfire, and cause her to seek her needs elsewhere.
Oh, come on. He's already been doing all that. Did you read his description of an evening at home after work?? What more could he possibly do?
She needs to worry that HER neglect will cause him to seek his needs elsewhere. I don't think he has been neglecting her needs at all.
Stop worrying about his needs being fulfilled and focus on the root of the problem.....Do not make it worse by taking away something she may enjoy.....Because, she will find what she needs
What, she'll go find someone else to rub her back at night?
If that is what she needs,.....But from the sounds of it, she is lacking more than a back rub.....If she had her needs fulfilled, she would be wanting to please him.....If her needs are not met, then she will not give him what he needs.
Side note, last nights "backrub"
she: "will you rub my back?"
me: "I will if you'll rub my back afterwards"
She: *sigh* " I though you just wanted to rub my back to be nice"
me: " I do, but I would like one tonight too"
She: "*ughh-sigh" "nevermind then, I dont want to feel like I "owe" you anything"
we both went to sleep....
.....what a beautiful marriage... ::frown::
Exactly my point...........She doesn't care about the dang backrub.........She wants your adoration for her and appreciation for what she does......And men can only think physical contact to give her what she needs.....Think past your male mentality and give her what she needs....It is not a Back rub or a foot massage............She is missplaced something in her heart for you and you have to figure it out......It is not about how many backrubs you give or receive.........
Corbley, your missing the point....
Based on the words you are writing, I do not believe I am. I hear that you are giving her what you THINK she needs......There is something deeper that is troubling her and giving her an extra massage will not discover what it is.........Have a glass of wine and have a deep intimate talk......With out physical contact (or you wanting sex) Talk to your wife, not about your days events, but why you love her, how her eyes sparkle, you love it when she wears ????, you love the way she does, Make her feel apprciated for more than just her body....
And I know you are trying to get there....but physical contact is not the way to do it.......
When you were dating, you just wanted to be with her...And you didn't care if you had sex on a given night.....Now she senses, that you know you are with her, and part of her DUTIES as a wife is to give you sex.....Sex has become a chore for her.....Make it something she wants to give you.............And massages are to intimate and leading....Try taking her to a theatre show she has never seen
Corbley, you are still missing the point, read my posts again... I do talk to her without physical contact, I do tell her how much I love her and why, I tell her constantly how attractive she is, etc, I do all the "date night" stuff, all with NO response.
You actually sound alot like her in your responses, the mere mention of sex seems to breed negativity, you make it sound like all I do is run around touching her sexualy at every opportunity, that simply isnt true, truth be told, its not the act of sex im after so much as it is the FEELING of having a wife that WANTS to be with me, kiss, hold hands, just hang out, go out and have fun, kiss, and yes desire me sexualy.etc...I get NONE of the non sexual stuff either. And the most telling thing she does which I have not mentioned is this; everytime she says "I love you" she averts her glance....she cannot maintain eye contact with me when she says those words..that is the most hurtful thing of all....
That's why I said Corbley's advice is good if we're talking about a normal marriage/couple here that really wants to work together. The more you describe your wife, the more pessimistic I feel about all this for you. Geez, what's her problem? Do you think she'd be mad if somone from your church talked with her?
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:14:03
: chosenone Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:12:04
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 14:33:58
Corbley, as far as the back massages go, I think he was doing that because she asks him to.
Also, just a general question, why do some wives take it as like some sort of insult that their husband wants to have sex with them, or like it's something to be avoided. What is up with that? I JUST DON'T GET THAT!!!
I agree His princess.
corbley
He askes her always what she needs. He does far over and above what most men would do. Have you ever considered the fact that she may be a selfish person? no more no less? The fact that whenever he tries to talk to her about his unhapiness, she threatens to leave with the kids is absolutely appalling, and cruel. it is manipuative and controlling. What a thing to say?? I just cant believe that. (although maybe I can because I know one or two people like that myself.)
Also if I remember rightly he said earlier that it isnt just sex that he would like but just some normal affection, maybe such as a cuddle or maybe even a back rub for himself for a change! She really is playing with fire. She has no appreciation of what she has and she had better start thinking seriously
;about the way she is acting.
Yea, and how come nobody ever talks anymore about how the wife should be treating her husband and responding to him, respecting him, etc? I never see that anywhere anymore. I think feminism has entrenched itself into the church.
I do think that women in particular have a big problem with being controlling and some do treat their husbands very badly. This is why i think God tells women to be in submission to their husbands because for many of us our natural inclination is to want to control.
This can get really bad and many women do usurp their husbands position in the family, and then they complain that their husbands arent being the head of the family. if you want that then dont take their position, and dont use control to make your husband do what you want him to do.
This topic and this poor guys situation has made me quite angry. I feel that this lady is acting appallingly, and quite frankly I wonder if she actually loves this man. if she does why is she constantly threatening to leave him for no reason. That is SO CONTROLLING
She is saying "If you talk to me about your unhappiness I will threaten to leave, so that will stop you." Woh, that is AWFUL She really needs to speak to someone who will tell her a few home truths and tell her what The Bible says and what may happen if she doesnt change her ways.
I agree 100% chosenone with EVERYTHING you said.
It's making me mad, too.
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:32:49
That's why I said Corbley's advice is good if we're talking about a normal marriage/couple here that really wants to work together. The more you describe your wife, the more pessimistic I feel about all this for you. Geez, what's her problem? Do you think she'd be mad if somone from your church talked with her?
Well, she has agreed to go to marriage counseling at our church, but I think shes doing it expecting to hear that shes right and theres nothing wrong with our marriage. shes going to go in there and fully expect everyone to side with her. Thats the only reason she even agreed to go.
I guarantee she wont want to go anymore the second it is suggested that MY needs arent being met in the sexual regard..
Problem is that we cant get in to see a counselor until January... ::frown::
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:45:42
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:32:49
That's why I said Corbley's advice is good if we're talking about a normal marriage/couple here that really wants to work together. The more you describe your wife, the more pessimistic I feel about all this for you. Geez, what's her problem? Do you think she'd be mad if somone from your church talked with her?
Well, she has agreed to go to marriage counseling at our church, but I think shes doing it expecting to hear that shes right and theres nothing wrong with our marriage. shes going to go in there and fully expect everyone to side with her. Thats the only reason she even agreed to go.
I guarantee she wont want to go anymore the second it is suggested that MY needs arent being met in the sexual regard..
Problem is that we cant get in to see a counselor until January... ::frown::
Could your pastor refer you to another pastor in your town that could see you sooner? Are there any qualified elders in your church that could do it? Anybody? Is there an older, godly man that you could personally speak with alone while you're waiting? Are there any ladies Bible studies at your church that she would go to that would be helpful? Would she be willing to read a book on the subject?
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:48:12
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:45:42
: His Princess Tue Nov 18, 2008 - 15:32:49
That's why I said Corbley's advice is good if we're talking about a normal marriage/couple here that really wants to work together. The more you describe your wife, the more pessimistic I feel about all this for you. Geez, what's her problem? Do you think she'd be mad if somone from your church talked with her?
Well, she has agreed to go to marriage counseling at our church, but I think shes doing it expecting to hear that shes right and theres nothing wrong with our marriage. shes going to go in there and fully expect everyone to side with her. Thats the only reason she even agreed to go.
I guarantee she wont want to go anymore the second it is suggested that MY needs arent being met in the sexual regard..
Problem is that we cant get in to see a counselor until January... ::frown::
Could your pastor refer you to another pastor in your town that could see you sooner? Are there any qualified elders in your church that could do it? Anybody? Is there an older, godly man that you could personally speak with alone while you're waiting? Are there any ladies Bible studies at your church that she would go to that would be helpful? Would she be willing to read a book on the subject?
I'm looking into another counselor, and yes we actually have a christian book titled "sacred sex" it talks about all the biblical reasoning for sex, how it is of God and it is encouraged within a marriage, but she read maybe a chapter sometime like..last year and just wasnt interested in finishing it because it talks about sex...again, whats the inspiration to finish a book that talks about something you just arent interested in?...
She cant finish it because to her the words God and Sex just dont fit together...
she also needs to read a book that will teach her about intimacy and what kinds of things a husband needs, and she also needs to read a book about the scriptural way to treat your husband and deal with all of these things.
How's it going today 806? Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night?? (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806? Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night?? (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)
yeh you are his princess. ha ha ::smile::
: chosenone Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806? Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night?? (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)
yeh you are his princess. ha ha ::smile::
Yes, indeed!
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:04:54
: chosenone Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806? Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night?? (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)
yeh you are his princess. ha ha ::smile::
Yes, indeed!
you need to get out more rofl
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:04:54
: chosenone Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806? Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night?? (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)
yeh you are his princess. ha ha ::smile::
Yes, indeed!
No, nothing happened last night, her"monthly visitor" leaves today, so I obviously havent been pursuing much the last few days...
I do think I am going to suggest that we begin bible study on marriage while we look for a counselor we can get in to see, we both have those "track reading" study bibles. I think that might help to start the discussions because that "subject" ( marriage) in the bible includes all the scriptures about intimacy, physical touch, roles of a wife and husband, etc...
Good idea?
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:54:32
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:04:54
: chosenone Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806? Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night?? (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)
yeh you are his princess. ha ha ::smile::
Yes, indeed!
No, nothing happened last night, her"monthly visitor" leaves today, so I obviously havent been pursuing much the last few days...
I do think I am going to suggest that we begin bible study on marriage while we look for a counselor we can get in to see, we both have those "track reading" study bibles. I think that might help to start the discussions because that "subject" ( marriage) in the bible includes all the scriptures about intimacy, physical touch, roles of a wife and husband, etc...
Good idea?
That's a very good idea. Go for it! I hope it helps.
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:54:32
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 10:04:54
: chosenone Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:58:25
: His Princess Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 09:20:55
How's it going today 806? Any decisions on your part, or anything interesting happen last night?? (Aren't I the nosey one?!!)
yeh you are his princess. ha ha ::smile::
Yes, indeed!
No, nothing happened last night, her"monthly visitor" leaves today, so I obviously havent been pursuing much the last few days...
I do think I am going to suggest that we begin bible study on marriage while we look for a counselor we can get in to see, we both have those "track reading" study bibles. I think that might help to start the discussions because that "subject" ( marriage) in the bible includes all the scriptures about intimacy, physical touch, roles of a wife and husband, etc...
Good idea?
It worth trying isnt it. Let us know if it helps.
I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom. Before that there wasn't a problem.
: w8ing4daybreak Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 20:20:37
I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom. Before that there wasn't a problem.
w8ing4
Yes, having children does definately change us but it doesnt usually make us very selfish unless we already are underneath does it? This lady is acting in a very bad way. She threatens to leave and take the children away everytime he tries to speak to her about their problems in their marriage.That is cruel and very controlling and causes him to have to back away again and everything just stays the same (which is how she wants it of course).
I just hope that the children arent around when she says this. How will that make them feel?Very insecure and scared I would think. In my opinion she needs to think less about herself and what SHE wants and more about her childrens feelings and her husbands feelings and needs.
: w8ing4daybreak Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 20:20:37
I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom. Before that there wasn't a problem.
Oh please, if that's her excuse, then she's a major wimp. I had SIX kids all very, very close together and I never used that as an excuse. On top of that, my house was always moderately, at least, clean, the laundry was always done, and there was always a hot meal on the table at night. So when I hear of someone complaining who has 2 or 3 kids, I chuckle because in my eyes, they're on easy street.
Well, just to update everyone, since I have begun to express my concerns more and suggest marriage counseling, she seems to be slowly taking a bit more notice of our situation, we talked for a while last night and she expressed concerns about not having enough time for her family and she finally expressed (although it was slight) concern about our marriage, saying that she wants to be a better wife to me, and mother. I am pretty happy that at least she seems to be recognizing some sort of issues, she still doesnt see anything in particular, she is just feeling a general sense of "lack", but maybe she will have some light bulbs go off in her head about some particular things. I think it is helping that I am standing up for myself and not dropping the counseling idea, I think that has been somewhat of an eye opener as well as my suggestion to begin a bible study on marriage. She has also suggested again that we read the "love languages" book too...yay! I think she is now seeing that my "issues" arent completely sexual as she has assumed ever since we got married.
Please keep us in your prayers, and hopefully this direction we seem to be looking at is the right one.
I do plan on being on this board every day, so please keep the comments, opinions, and discussions on this post going. Believe me I take every post to heart and think on each opinion. everyone here is a great help!
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 20, 2008 - 13:02:35
Well, just to update everyone, since I have begun to express my concerns more and suggest marriage counseling, she seems to be slowly taking a bit more notice of our situation, we talked for a while last night and she expressed concerns about not having enough time for her family and she finally expressed (although it was slight) concern about our marriage, saying that she wants to be a better wife to me, and mother. I am pretty happy that at least she seems to be recognizing some sort of issues, she still doesnt see anything in particular, she is just feeling a general sense of "lack", but maybe she will have some light bulbs go off in her head about some particular things. I think it is helping that I am standing up for myself and not dropping the counseling idea, I think that has been somewhat of an eye opener as well as my suggestion to begin a bible study on marriage. She has also suggested again that we read the "love languages" book too...yay! I think she is now seeing that my "issues" arent completely sexual as she has assumed ever since we got married.
Please keep us in your prayers, and hopefully this direction we seem to be looking at is the right one.
I do plan on being on this board every day, so please keep the comments, opinions, and discussions on this post going. Believe me I take every post to heart and think on each opinion. everyone here is a great help!
This is wonderful news! I'm so happy for you that things are going in the right direction, that's great! Stick with it and keep in touch with us, too, so we know how you're doing.
: 806jjbz Thu Nov 20, 2008 - 13:02:35
Well, just to update everyone, since I have begun to express my concerns more and suggest marriage counseling, she seems to be slowly taking a bit more notice of our situation, we talked for a while last night and she expressed concerns about not having enough time for her family and she finally expressed (although it was slight) concern about our marriage, saying that she wants to be a better wife to me, and mother. I am pretty happy that at least she seems to be recognizing some sort of issues, she still doesnt see anything in particular, she is just feeling a general sense of "lack", but maybe she will have some light bulbs go off in her head about some particular things. I think it is helping that I am standing up for myself and not dropping the counseling idea, I think that has been somewhat of an eye opener as well as my suggestion to begin a bible study on marriage. She has also suggested again that we read the "love languages" book too...yay! I think she is now seeing that my "issues" arent completely sexual as she has assumed ever since we got married.
Please keep us in your prayers, and hopefully this direction we seem to be looking at is the right one.
I do plan on being on this board every day, so please keep the comments, opinions, and discussions on this post going. Believe me I take every post to heart and think on each opinion. everyone here is a great help!
Well done for sticking to your guns and dont give up the idea of counselling even if she does carry on agreeing to these others things. Its sounds as if she is at last recognising that things arent right, and hopefully will be willing to really work on it together. Thats great news, we will continue to pray for a much improved and happier marriage for you both.
: chosenone Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 20:54:02
: w8ing4daybreak Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 20:20:37
I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom. Before that there wasn't a problem.
w8ing4
Yes, having children does definately change us but it doesnt usually make us very selfish unless we already are underneath does it? This lady is acting in a very bad way. She threatens to leave and take the children away everytime he tries to speak to her about their problems in their marriage.That is cruel and very controlling and causes him to have to back away again and everything just stays the same (which is how she wants it of course).
I just hope that the children arent around when she says this. How will that make them feel?Very insecure and scared I would think. In my opinion she needs to think less about herself and what SHE wants and more about her childrens feelings and her husbands feelings and needs.
I think must not be expressing myself well if you think I'm saying she is justified in behaving that way. That wasn't what I was trying to say.
: w8ing4daybreak Thu Nov 20, 2008 - 17:32:12
: chosenone Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 20:54:02
: w8ing4daybreak Wed Nov 19, 2008 - 20:20:37
I know I've been beating a dead horse here, but I think it still has something to do with the children and being a mom. Before that there wasn't a problem.
w8ing4
Yes, having children does definately change us but it doesnt usually make us very selfish unless we already are underneath does it? This lady is acting in a very bad way. She threatens to leave and take the children away everytime he tries to speak to her about their problems in their marriage.That is cruel and very controlling and causes him to have to back away again and everything just stays the same (which is how she wants it of course).
I just hope that the children arent around when she says this. How will that make them feel?Very insecure and scared I would think. In my opinion she needs to think less about herself and what SHE wants and more about her childrens feelings and her husbands feelings and needs.
I think must not be expressing myself well if you think I'm saying she is justified in behaving that way. That wasn't what I was trying to say.
I apologize for sounding so negative to what you said. I shouldn't have sounded so grumpy this morning!
: 806jjbz Wed Nov 12, 2008 - 13:15:15
This will probably be a hot topic, I am a 40 year old christian man living with a gorgeous 34 year old christian wife whom I absolutely adore, cherish, and am extremely attracted to, The problem is a common one it seems, my need for physical touch (non sexual or otherwise) and my sex drive is completely opposite of hers. She never, and I do mean literally never initiates anything sexual, we don't hold hands, (never really have), we don't kiss, ever. no hugs unless I initiate and even then its like me hugging my sister or something, very impersonal and cold. I am greeted everyday I come home with a "to-do" list (which I do), and I am also greeted with no hug, no kiss, nothing....Now please don't get me wrong, I am not here to paint a negative picture of my wife, I truly do love her, I credit her entirely for being the one that showed me the light and brought me to Christ, she saved my life, I fully believe I would not be here today if it weren't for God putting her smack in front of me, (literally) one day. So I am not here to bash my wife, I'm here to seek advice from a christian perspective on this issue because I am seeing the manifestation of the built up resentment I feel from the last 6 years or so of constant rejection and growing negativity and isolation I feel from her.
Same 'ol story, It started out great when we were married, I felt secure, I knew in my heart of hearts that she truly desired me in every way, she wanted to be with me, and she showed it. She was fun, fairly spontaneous, seemed to enjoy everything about being with me. But things started to sort of "cool off" for her, I thought nothing of it.
Fast forward, 2 years after marriage we got pregnant (totally planned), the day we confirmed the pregnancy, everything started downhill and has gone that way ever since. Its like she switched to "mommy mode" and apparently that takes precedence over the husbands needs, it has come to the point that she gets upset that I even want to talk about my problems, and if I so much as mention the words "touch", or "physical", or "sex", she gets extremely angry and accuses me of being oversexed, "is that all you think about?"Â etc etc.
More background: we do have sex, she does enjoy it when we do, orgasm and all just about every time, the problem is that she can go months at a time without the thought of sex even crossing her mind, I consider myself lucky if we do it once every 4-6 weeks, and that only happens if I work for weeks at a time to "initiate", and yes I have tried all the "things women want" such as helping out around the house, helping with the kids, flowers or gifts for no reason, etc, etc. It does absolutely no good. I never get any recognition for the things I do, but wow, I get the lectures and speeches when I miss some dishes, or forget to take the trash out, etc.
So here's my question, and I want female input as well a male...
What happened??? why does it seem a woman's desire diminishes so easily and quickly after marriage? I have never cheated, I am still in good physical shape, I keep myself very well groomed, I tell her I love her and I tell her how incredibly gorgeous I think she is because...wow!, she really is quite gorgeous. I tell her constantly. she uses all the excuses, "I'm tired", "you don't know what I do all day", (shes a stay at home mom) "I've gained weight," I don't like my body anymore", etc etc...shes only gained maybe 25-30 lbs since children, doesn't bother me in the least. She has also lost most of that weight a few months ago, she has always told me, "if I could lose even 15 or 20 lbs, you'll see..guess what....nothing...
By the way, before all the posts start to arrive about "ohhh...kids! theres the problem, kids are hard"... don't bother going there because I know first hand the rigors of caring for kids at home, Ive done it. Yes its hard sometimes, but I am never so tired as to reject being with my wife. I just cant take any more daily rejection, but on the other hand I am absolutely not going to break up my family over this issue, nor am I going to have an affair or anything like that, the other side of it is, I am also not willing to spent the rest of my life with someone who just isn't all that intersted anymore...
HELP!
Sir, I have never met your wife yet she seem to embody everything I fear in women. I must say I salute you, I would have probably taken the lowbrow path and guilted her with bible verses and letting taking her to couples counseling with a male counseler. Its situations like this that make me embrace being equal opportunity. As far as advice I wouldn't know what to tell you that follows with Gods law. I still can't see how you put up with that she is neglecting your needs and it doesn't seem fair, what if you suddenly stopped doing the same for her ( not sexually but otherwise) you would most likely be demonized as some kinda villian. I hope you get through this the right way instead of my way though. Good luck.
well,
Interesting development last night.
Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"
WOW..
So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.
She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.
Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 10:39:17
well,
Interesting development last night.
Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"
WOW..
So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.
She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.
Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??
Yea, that was a ridiculous statement for her to make. She has absolutely no concept, none whatsoever, about how God designed sex to be between a married couple and she has no understanding of how men (husbands) feel about sex.
Like I've said before, we can all agree with you so at least you know something's wrong here and it's not you, but it's still not going to change her. I think it's incredibly sad, you are such a nice man with all the best intentions....she's throwing you and your love away and she doesn't even know it. Yet.
My husband says (and forgive me if I've already said this on here) that "sex" is ONE of the ways a man expresses his love for his wife. So if you constantly reject sex, you are rejecting your husband's love for you.
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 10:39:17
well,
Interesting development last night.
Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"
WOW..
So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.
She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.
Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??
Kind Sir,
At this point I absolutly loathe your spouse, I would go as fars as to say she is a very very poor worker relationship wise. She might as well say that you affection is a one way street, I honestly think if I was in you shoes they would have a hard time find her again. She is treating you like a dog that did some bad. I am angry and wish I could help you out. I say couple counseling is needed as soon as possible.
: The unloved one Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 10:49:06
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 10:39:17
well,
Interesting development last night.
Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"
WOW..
So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.
She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.
Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??
Kind Sir,
At this point I absolutly loathe your spouse, I would go as fars as to say she is a very very poor worker relationship wise. She might as well say that you affection is a one way street, I honestly think if I was in you shoes they would have a hard time find her again. She is treating you like a dog that did some bad. I am angry and wish I could help you out. I say couple counseling is needed as soon as possible.
I have to say I agree with the sentiment expressed here.
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 10:39:17
well,
Interesting development last night.
Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"
WOW..
So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.
She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.
Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??
This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.
: chosenone Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 13:08:40
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 10:39:17
well,
Interesting development last night.
Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"
WOW..
So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.
She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.
Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??
This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.
Yes, I've read and heard from more than one source that men cannot fully connect with their wives emotionally if they're not having sex with them, that is absolutely true. I've seen it. Sex is, by far and away, the biggest thing a man wants/needs from his wife. Wives need to understand this and go with it. Personally, I don't understand why so many wives have this problem. I just don't get it. When my husband turns to me in bed, I think that's a good thing! I'm GLAD he is attracted to me, glad he wants only me, glad he pours all his affections and attentions on to me. I would never, ever reject that.
: His Princess Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 14:15:33
: chosenone Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 13:08:40
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 10:39:17
well,
Interesting development last night.
Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"
WOW..
So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.
She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.
Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??
This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.
Yes, I've read and heard from more than one source that men cannot fully connect with their wives emotionally if they're not having sex with them, that is absolutely true. I've seen it. Sex is, by far and away, the biggest thing a man wants/needs from his wife. Wives need to understand this and go with it. Personally, I don't understand why so many wives have this problem. I just don't get it. When my husband turns to me in bed, I think that's a good thing! I'm GLAD he is attracted to me, glad he wants only me, glad he pours all his affections and attentions on to me. I would never, ever reject that.Â
You by far are the most awesome woman that I have heard. If more women were like you I would be heterosexual over night. Women could learn from you. Go forth and teach your sister sheep!
.
: The unloved one Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 17:55:26
: His Princess Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 14:15:33
: chosenone Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 13:08:40
: 806jjbz Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 10:39:17
well,
Interesting development last night.
Things have been ok for the last week or so, she has admitted she needs to focus more on her marriage, etc.. all good things. Well last night we were talking, both in a good mood, she was looking particularly attractive in her nightshirt, kids were in bed early, so I made a lighthearted suggestion towards the bedroom. Guess that was a mistake..as soon as I made mention of going to our bedroom, she made that "ughhh/sigh" sound that she does so well, so I came back with a response of "gee, I feel so loved" (the mood was still kind of playful and lighthearted until I said that, then it went bad. As soon as I said that she said "see, thats the problem, you think sex IS love, you shouldnt feel less loved just because we dont have sex" I replied "no, I know sex is not love, but it is an expression of love within a marriage". She replied, "sex and love are two different things, (heres the shocker..) she then said "sex and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other" "Just because I dont want to have sex doesnt mean I love you less"
WOW..
So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.
She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.
Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??
This is very sad. I am so sorry that it hasnt changed as yet. She obviously hasnt a clue that for a man, sex is part of love and that as His princess says for man a big way of showing his love is by having sex with the woman he loves. Many women seem to feel this way, that their husband are 'only after one thing' and that is so sad. Men need to have sex with their wives to be able to connect with them emotionally ( I read that somewhere!)
Would she read any of these marriage books that explain how vital and important sex is for a man and a marriage?maybe then she would understand more.
it sounds as if you have to walk on eggshells with her trying not to say or do anything that makes her annoyed or reject you even more. I do agree that something needs to be done for you both. Maybe she has some sort of sexual hangup that a counsellor could help with?
Will keep on praying that something will change.
Yes, I've read and heard from more than one source that men cannot fully connect with their wives emotionally if they're not having sex with them, that is absolutely true. I've seen it. Sex is, by far and away, the biggest thing a man wants/needs from his wife. Wives need to understand this and go with it. Personally, I don't understand why so many wives have this problem. I just don't get it. When my husband turns to me in bed, I think that's a good thing! I'm GLAD he is attracted to me, glad he wants only me, glad he pours all his affections and attentions on to me. I would never, ever reject that.Â
You by far are the most awesome woman that I have heard. If more women were like you I would be heterosexual over night. Women could learn from you. Go forth and teach your sister sheep!
The unloved one
There are many women out there who love their husbands and want to please them and make them happy. You need to look for them in a different place than those you have been looking maybe?
: Hehealedme Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 18:46:10
Quote from: 806jjbz
So in other words, she thinks sex is a fleshly desire, and that love has nothing to do with it, even in marriage.
She has NO idea that the constant rejection is what makes me feel less loved.
Am I wrong or is that a ridiculous statement for her to make??
Please notice and understand 806jjbz, that I am not directing these words at you personally, it was a problem that my husband and I had...
It becomes a problem when a person wants to have sex with their spouse but what about the rest of the time when that person shows no love no care and no affection whatsoever to their spouse?...that was our problem during the remaining of that time!...what made me feel less loved by him was the fact that for the remaining time he acted as though he wanted nothing to do with me!...no kind words, no loving no caring acts towards me whatsoever!...was I being too self-centered or too demanding of him?...I honestly don't think so...at least a little ''I love you'' once in a while would have been nice, but noooooo, I was too much of a nag for him!...wearing a ring on a finger doesn't mean that we become their possession but that is what I had become for him, his possession!...I have always been there for him no matter what but what about him?...his actions towards me proves that he didn't love me at all!...but still, I remained and prayed that one day he would appreciate me for what I was worth...I loved him, I really did and I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him but he finally ran off with another woman ...his problems followed him where he went I am sure!...it is now his loss, not mine!... ::cryingtears:: ::frustrated::
hehealedme
In your case it was the husband that was selfish, in this case it is the wife. She thinks that she can love her huaband and not have sex or any other physical affection towards him. She cant. if she really loved him she wouldn't treat him the way she does.
.
: Hehealedme Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 21:04:05
hehealedme
In your case it was the husband that was selfish, in this case it is the wife. She thinks that she can love her husband and not have sex or any other physical affection towards him. She cant. if she really loved him she wouldn't treat him the way she does.
Well after years of this treatment, I didn't feel like having sex with my husband anymore...so in a way, I think that yes, I had become selfish but I couldn't help myself...you know what I mean?...anyone has any idea how hard it is to have sex with your husband that doesn't even love you back? ? ?... ::cryingtears::
I am sure that it is very hard hehealedme, but in this mans case she isnt being selfish because he doesnt love or or hasnt treated her well, but she is being sefish anyway DESPITE all that he does for her.
.
Im sorry to tell you dude, but it is very likely that your wife just doesnt love you at all. I lived exactly what you are describing, and one day I came gome to a note. She was gone. She is now remarried and to the best of my knowledge she is happy and probably can give herself freely and enthusiastically to her new husband.
Our heart is not connected to our brain. Even when we know what the right thig to do is, when it comes to matters of the heart, the heart will never lie. Therefore, she cannot give herself to you because it is not in her heart to do so.
Since being divorced, I have had a few relationships with women. They loved me and treated me well. I imagined I could have an excellent life with them, but the only thing was, I didnt love them. This was when I realized how my ex wife must have been feeling. You cannot make yourself love someone, it is not that simple. Sure you can use the checklist of proper behavior for how to treat someone you love, but that is using sheer willpower, and is not coming from the heart.
You cannot over spiritualize this issue.
Now, I dont know you or your behavior or your faults. I do not know your transgressions you have made to her. I do not know if you have nutured her and made her feel loved and safe. A woman needs to feel this before she can truely give herself to her man. But I will say, in your case it will be VERY hard to turn the cart in the proper direction, because there are layers of resentment now. The patters have become ingrained, you pursue, she resists, both resent. Other arguements flare up over petty things because of these feelings.
She needs to feel disarmed. She is so guarded and defensive now, not even a tank can get at her.
This will bring a lot of controversy, but I suggest that you take some time apart. She needs to disarm and to relax and she also needs to come to you. In my opinion, you need to tell her that you love her so much you are willing to let her go. You are going to give her space. Tell her where you will be waiting and that you need to see her come to you, to desire you, and to persue you. The onus is on her. Stop talking about your needs and building resentment. Talk about your own feelings and how you feel about the rejection you feel before you go, and tell her you cannot continue to live like this.
This is your only ace card you can play. The only regret I have about the failure of my marriage is that I didnt force the issue sooner. The end result was the same, and it just became harder and harder.
God bless you in whatever you do.
Maybe she's totally bored. Have you tried suggesting something totally inappropriate? ::whistle::
Or maybe she's just completely repressed. Perhaps you should get her drunk, and teach her what it is to cut loose. ::crackup:: She might have lots of pent up agression... you lucky dog you.
Jarrod
Well it looks like this post has been dead a while, I wonder how it worked out for 806jjbzr?
Not sure if anyone brought up the wife's upbringing. Like was there any molestation or sexual abuse done to this women in her younger years. Can really screw up there perspective on sex.
Your not alone brother if your still reading posts. Been there a few times. Feel like a sack of poo. Its important for men to feel respected ( as long as they deserve it ). Let us know how it is going?
God be with ya.
To the OP,
I'm sure you're already gotten all of the advice you need; however, I would just like to say, if you've done all that you know to do for your wife, then it's time to go to God! There is nothing wrong with wanting sex from your wife; and I'm sure if this post was done by a woman, something, would be wrong with the man; he wouldn't be provided excuses as the woman in this situation has been given.
I'm not here to say childbearing is hard (I am a single mom, I get it all too well) and I work full time. HOWEVER, I know I have to take care of my husband and him of me. If I'm having issues, I would go get help. Some of you may say I don't know because I'm not married. I don't have to be married to understand this one. I read God's word and I know how to conduct myself as a wife AND as a single person. As a single person, if I'm having problems in my relationship and I know its nothing that the other person has done, I need to go get help (been there, done that). I know that as a married person, we are to fulfill the roles of the wife, and be joyful! If that is not going right, then I go to God. I'm not perfect and I know I will be tested and will forget, but I know WHO I will take care of it all for my good and all of the days of my life as long as He remains in me and I in Him. This will happen whether single or married.
Now, to the OP, if I may offer advice to you, continue to talk with your wife. I don't know if you've tried this or if you are able to do this, but have the kids go to stay with a relative for a night or even a weekend and love your wife (not saying that you do, but take up a notch). Like someone else said, make her want you. Its not a game, but give her that attention she may be needing from you with NO distractions from the outside. I don't know if it'll work but I hope you will try. And for your wife, pray for her and/or continue to pray for her. Not just about the sex but the peace in the home and her being stressed out.
Things will get better for you, I believe it.
In Jesus name...
It's been a while since this topic was updated - J, how are things?
Did you get into counselling? Is it helping?
Personally, I would disregard the comments which imply your wife doesn't love you or is bored or any of those things - to me, that is a fairly standard response of human wisdom. It's not human wisdom you need here, but God's wisdom.
Has your wife always been like this? When you were dating, did you kiss, hug, hold hands....or ever find it difficult to keep your hands off each other? If this is something that's always been an issue, I'd say that points to your wife having a mixed up view on sex. Lots of people view sex as something that's a bit dirty - that can be because they have had sex used against them as a weapon (abuse, rape or something else) or simply sometimes because they have grown up in an overly religious household, where sex was something women 'had' to do, but not something they relaxed into and enjoyed.
I think the church's teaching on sex in the past, has a lot to answer for. As young teenagers we were taught 'don't do it, it's wrong, it's bad', but they missed off the bit about, 'in marriage, it's GOOD'. I know a LOT of women who were raised in the church who just couldn't get their heads around stuff once they got married - they went overnight from believing it was 'bad'. to suddenly on their wedding day, 'go for it'. That is a huge mental adjustment and if you are well practised in controlling your sex drive, it can be a tough habit to break out of.
I hope you are doing ok. Please update us if you can.
: chosenone Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 20:28:04
She thinks that she can love her husband and not have sex or any other physical affection towards him. She cant. if she really loved him she wouldn't treat him the way she does.
There is no biblical command for wives to love their husbands.
Respect, submit to and obey, Yes.
Love - no.
: Alfred_Ho Tue Jun 19, 2012 - 09:12:59
Then why do priests demand that fiances publicly declare their unconditional and everlasting love at the wedding?
Those vows are not found in the bible.
She has broken her Christian vows in front of God and she will burn in hell for eternity for it. ::clappingoverhead::
And if she repents? You are really slamming the door shut on this one.
Clapping for sending someone to hell? Are you saved? Do you have no compassion for the lost?
: Alfred_Ho Tue Jun 19, 2012 - 09:12:59
Then why do priests demand that fiances publicly declare their unconditional and everlasting love at the wedding? She has broken her Christian vows in front of God and she will burn in hell for eternity for it. She should know her place and get to work. ::clappingoverhead::
Do you have a secret pleasure of condemning people to hell, there, Bubba?
If one is a Christian, one will not be going to hell. Do you not understand about God's grace?
Update!!
I am back after almost 4 years...sorry..
Quite a bit has changed in that time, most of it has been for the better.
Right about the time I stopped posting, ('09) she had a miscarriage that devastated both of us in ways I'm probably still not fully aware of, but out of that horrible time in our lives came some very good and positive things. We both went to God during that time and that helped more than anything. I learned how to "give it to God" instead of trying to fix it myself. That was a wonderful thing to learn how to do. We learned some things about each other during that time that has been very valuable. I found out recently thet she even began to do "the Love Dare" on me prior to the loss, she stopped because of it. (understandably) So, I know she cares..
Fast forward to 2010, after some extensive prayer, we felt is was Gods's will that we have another baby, and after quite some time trying.. ::blushing:: we welcomed another baby into our lives in March of 2011. Things have been actually pretty good ever since. We continue to grow closer with each day, and we seem to be communicating better, and generally moving in the same direction.
Things are greatly improved in the bedroom as well. the frequency and quality has improved vastly, although that was never the real issue, and we are both happier because of it. we still have our issues sometimes, but I think we have both learned how to better appreciate and adapt..She still does not participate in simple physical things such as hugging, hand holding, kissing, etc, but to her credit, there have been several occasions recently that she has shocked me with her efforts towards the simple stuff that I so desire..(im not giving details.. ::smile::)I have learned how to be less "pressuring" when it comes to sex, which has helped a lot,and we have both recently begun to give each other some alone time to persue interests and hobbies as a way to de-stress, pray, and just have a little break when we can. She has found that she likes to read and study the word, she has taken some scrapbooking classes, etc..I have taken up cycling and am really enjoying the quiet times when I ride to reflect and pray, and the excercise is a bonus too. we have also altered the way we eat, eliminating as much processed foods as possible. It is amazing the difference that a diet change and excercise makes!
We have begun to take regular "Date Nights" and have evn managed to have in home date nights as well after the baby has gone to sleep. We are both really enjoying reconnecting with each other without the kids.And the "passion" seems to be returning on her part. ( i never lost it..)
So I guess al in all, I am vastly happier, as is she than I was 4 years ago. God willing, it will keep moving in this direction. We are about to go on our first vacation in years in a couple of weeks as well, looking forward to that!
Thanks to everyone for commenting, and I will be back more often to keep in touch.
Bye for now!
: 806jjbz Fri Aug 03, 2012 - 12:17:04
Update!!
I am back after almost 4 years...sorry..
Quite a bit has changed in that time, most of it has been for the better.
Right about the time I stopped posting, ('09) she had a miscarriage that devastated both of us in ways I'm probably still not fully aware of, but out of that horrible time in our lives came some very good and positive things. We both went to God during that time and that helped more than anything. I learned how to "give it to God" instead of trying to fix it myself. That was a wonderful thing to learn how to do. We learned some things about each other during that time that has been very valuable. I found out recently thet she even began to do "the Love Dare" on me prior to the loss, she stopped because of it. (understandably) So, I know she cares..
Fast forward to 2010, after some extensive prayer, we felt is was Gods's will that we have another baby, and after quite some time trying.. ::blushing:: we welcomed another baby into our lives in March of 2011. Things have been actually pretty good ever since. We continue to grow closer with each day, and we seem to be communicating better, and generally moving in the same direction.
Things are greatly improved in the bedroom as well. the frequency and quality has improved vastly, although that was never the real issue, and we are both happier because of it. we still have our issues sometimes, but I think we have both learned how to better appreciate and adapt..She still does not participate in simple physical things such as hugging, hand holding, kissing, etc, but to her credit, there have been several occasions recently that she has shocked me with her efforts towards the simple stuff that I so desire..(im not giving details.. ::smile::)I have learned how to be less "pressuring" when it comes to sex, which has helped a lot,and we have both recently begun to give each other some alone time to persue interests and hobbies as a way to de-stress, pray, and just have a little break when we can. She has found that she likes to read and study the word, she has taken some scrapbooking classes, etc..I have taken up cycling and am really enjoying the quiet times when I ride to reflect and pray, and the excercise is a bonus too. we have also altered the way we eat, eliminating as much processed foods as possible. It is amazing the difference that a diet change and excercise makes!
We have begun to take regular "Date Nights" and have evn managed to have in home date nights as well after the baby has gone to sleep. We are both really enjoying reconnecting with each other without the kids.And the "passion" seems to be returning on her part. ( i never lost it..)
So I guess al in all, I am vastly happier, as is she than I was 4 years ago. God willing, it will keep moving in this direction. We are about to go on our first vacation in years in a couple of weeks as well, looking forward to that!
Thanks to everyone for commenting, and I will be back more often to keep in touch.
Bye for now!
In this world full of bad news, this is good news! Praise God and may He continue to bless your marriage and family!
: chosenone Tue Nov 25, 2008 - 20:28:04
She thinks that she can love her huaband and not have sex or any other physical affection towards him. She cant. if she really loved him she wouldn't treat him the way she does.
I realize this was written almost 4 years ago. But I would like to comment.
We gentiles really get things messed up, don't we? The view of this in first century Judaism (the culture the NT was written in) was that sex was a wife's right and a husband's responsibility. That it would be the husbands that were the refusers in that culture is totally foreign to us. But the Mishnah had to write into Jewish oral law how often husbands were
required to please their wives based on their occupation. For the unemployed and independently wealthy and light duty shop keepers it was DAILY. That was a minimum.
Solomon must have been a busy little boy. ::smile::
: Norton Mon Aug 27, 2012 - 18:49:42Solomon must have been a busy little boy. ::smile::
700 wives and about 300 concubines. If he 'serviced' 3 every night it would take him almost a year to get to every one of them.
OY!!!
: DaveW Wed Aug 29, 2012 - 12:14:50
: Norton Mon Aug 27, 2012 - 18:49:42Solomon must have been a busy little boy. ::smile::
700 wives and about 300 concubines. If he 'serviced' 3 every night it would take him almost a year to get to every one of them.
OY!!!
I have a feeling that it wasn't strictly one-on-one, that it wouldn't take a year at three per night. Also, those who ate too many bon bons wouldn't be in the line up.
I think most of those wifes were just for show. He probably only slept with one or two, otherwise he probably would have more kids than a nation.