Hello guys. I am new here. First time checking in. I am looking for help. I will try to make a long story short.
My husband (who is an alcoholic) literally ran me off from my home December 2007. We filed separation papers. I live out on my own. He wanted all we had worked for without his Christian wife. He told me he did not want a christian wife. He wanted a wife to drink and party with him. He became very mean to me. I felt like the Lord wanted me to leave. Instead of fighting over what we had I gave in and left.
We kept in contact off and on..........Then in Sept 2008 he called with the news he has inoperable lung cancer.
I felt like the Lord would want me to care for him. I have been taking him to the doctor for treatment and test. I love my husband dearly even after all he has done to me.
He is doing much better now. He has said since the diagnosis that when all this is over WE can talk about US. He says he cannot concentrate on anything except the cancer right now. (?) (?)......
I spent 3 weeks with him when he got so sick and just before Thanksgiving he got better. Well he made Thanksgiving plans without me so I took that as my clue to go back to my home and I did.
At Christmas he was drinking (of course). He filled me full of everything I wanted to hear. How much he loved me.......blah....blah....blah
The next day I asked him if he meant what he said and his reply was "well I want you now, but I might not want you three weeks from now". That almost killed me.
I have tried to show him the love of God. If not for the spirit in me I could not do what I have done. It is hard to love somebody so much that treats you like you are nothing.
He says he is saved and just because he doesn't live a "christian" life does not mean he is saved.........I say My Bible tells me you can tell a tree by the fruit that it bears" and them apples are rotten !!
I am at a crossroad. I have done all I know to do to open his eyes to the fact that he needs Jesus.
He says he is not going to blame his cancer on anything (talking about me telling him that satan is the author of sickness)......It seems sometimes that he defends satan.................
I think Satan is using my husband trying to destroy me. I promised God in 2004 that if I lost everything I would never turn my back on him again.
I have lost my home, my husband, I have two sons who have been strung out on Crystal Meth..........Satan has had him a field day.
Guys I need some help here. Please talk to me and give me some Christian (Biblical) advice.
BornAgain
Isn't there anyone here that can offer me any help...............PLEASE
: BornAgain Tue Jan 13, 2009 - 11:47:37
Isn't there anyone here that can offer me any help...............PLEASE
Hi BornAgain,
first if you read some of my previous posts you will see that I am no stranger to hardship especially in marriage, as for offering you help all the help you need comes from The Lord! There is nothing more you can do for your husband and in placing yourself in a position to be only used of him when he is in need you are not only enabling his behavior but you are allowing the enemy to infiltrate your heart and spirit openly. There comes a time when you just have to let go altogether and give someone over to God- doesn't mean you cannot be nice if you encounter or have communication with that person, doesn't mean you can't be an example in how you live but in rescuing them and allowing them to just use you does no one any good!
You are not responsible for your husbands salvation or how he chooses to behave and live his life! Pray for him yes, show an example of your love for God to him yes, sacrifice your heart and spirit for his whims- no! I learned this the hard way and it almost destroyed my heart, there comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough!!!!!!
Lean on God, focus on your salvation and growing in the Lord and allowing Him to heal your heart and spirit, place your energies in becoming what God wants for you- God will (is) deal with your husband, but it is up to him to accept it and allow the work to be done!
Love,
Kim
Absolutely. Are you still married to him? I really couldn't tale from your post. I know you left, but did you divorce him? Did he initiate the divorce?
Divorce has been a hot topic lately here on this board. If you are still married to him and he is not abusive, I would help him. Put it this way, if he is "mean" as you posted but you can tolerate him long enough to help him, do it. It brings glory to the Lord.
However, if you are divorced and he mistreats you when you are around, I would walk away. That is a hard thing to do... Especially given the fact he is dying. But dying doesn't give someone the right to abuse someone. I am sure others may not agree with that. Christ suffered unmeasurable abuse for us... He did not walk away from it.
Outside of that, all I can do is pray for you. Maybe someone will see this who has experienced the same thing.
: BornAgain Tue Jan 13, 2009 - 10:20:03
Hello guys. I am new here. First time checking in. I am looking for help. I will try to make a long story short.
My husband (who is an alcoholic) literally ran me off from my home December 2007. We filed separation papers. I live out on my own. He wanted all we had worked for without his Christian wife. He told me he did not want a christian wife. He wanted a wife to drink and party with him. He became very mean to me. I felt like the Lord wanted me to leave. Instead of fighting over what we had I gave in and left.
We kept in contact off and on..........Then in Sept 2008 he called with the news he has inoperable lung cancer.
I felt like the Lord would want me to care for him. I have been taking him to the doctor for treatment and test. I love my husband dearly even after all he has done to me.
He is doing much better now. He has said since the diagnosis that when all this is over WE can talk about US. He says he cannot concentrate on anything except the cancer right now. (?) (?)......
I spent 3 weeks with him when he got so sick and just before Thanksgiving he got better. Well he made Thanksgiving plans without me so I took that as my clue to go back to my home and I did.
At Christmas he was drinking (of course). He filled me full of everything I wanted to hear. How much he loved me.......blah....blah....blah
The next day I asked him if he meant what he said and his reply was "well I want you now, but I might not want you three weeks from now". That almost killed me.
I have tried to show him the love of God. If not for the spirit in me I could not do what I have done. It is hard to love somebody so much that treats you like you are nothing.
He says he is saved and just because he doesn't live a "christian" life does not mean he is saved.........I say My Bible tells me you can tell a tree by the fruit that it bears" and them apples are rotten !!
I am at a crossroad. I have done all I know to do to open his eyes to the fact that he needs Jesus.
He says he is not going to blame his cancer on anything (talking about me telling him that satan is the author of sickness)......It seems sometimes that he defends satan.................
I think Satan is using my husband trying to destroy me. I promised God in 2004 that if I lost everything I would never turn my back on him again.
I have lost my home, my husband, I have two sons who have been strung out on Crystal Meth..........Satan has had him a field day.
Guys I need some help here. Please talk to me and give me some Christian (Biblical) advice.
BornAgain
Wow, I am so sorry you have to go through something like this. I think you've done all the right things from a Christian standpoint. It was really great of you to take care of him like that in the autumn. You showed a fantastic witness to him and if he is foolish enough to reject that, reject you, then he is foolish indeed.
If he has lung cancer, then he won't be around terribly long. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but once they find lung cancer it's usually already pretty far gone. However, as herestoresmyheart said, I really don't t hink you should let him use/abuse you anymore. Concentrate on your kids (is he their father?) We'll just have to lift one another up in prayer. I have teenagers and it's hell basically. I've caught them smoking weed a number of times and God only knows what else they're doing or have done. It's horrible.
We're here if you need to talk and if you don't get an immediate response, people will eventually get over here and see what's going on with you.
Thanks to all of you so much..........To answer you.......All our children are grown.
I realize that the Lord is the answer for everything but sometimes I have a hard time just giving it all to him and I tend to worry.
We are not divorced. We had been separated for 10 months when he found out he had cancer. Since then I have been going back and forth taking him to doctors.......and just being a wife to him really.
Even though I am not in the house with him and we have legal separation papers I still "feel like I am his wife" if that makes sense.
Our marriage went downhill as soon as I rededicated my life to the Lord in 2004. He just simply did not want a Christian wife and I quess he has that right to decide, he is a grown man.
I could not live there anymore because he did become mean and very very very emotionally and verbally abusive.
There is such a peace in my own home now because it is full of the spirit of the Lord !! I love that !!
I take care of him because I feel like it is the Christian thing to do and I don't believe I could sleep at night if I was not there for him.
I know Satan uses him against me there is no doubt. I could tell you some awesome stories...............................
This is rather blunt and if I offend anyone please accept my apology before hand but this is what my husband wants............ME TO SLEEP WITH HIM WHEN HE WANTS ME TOO BECAUSE HE CONSIDERS ME HIS WIFE STILL BUT HE DOES NOT WANT THE RESPONSIBILITY OR COMMITMENT ON HIS PART OF HAVING A WIFE......WHEN HE IS DONE WITH ME ........HE IS DONE HE THEN WANTS ME TO GO BACK TO MY HOUSE UNTIL HE IS READY FOR ME AGAIN.....................
I know what that sounds like but I am living proof that's what he wants.
I have prayed more for that man than anyone I have ever prayed for in my life.
We can get a divorce now because we have been separated over one year but he has not mentioned it and I just don't think I can bring it up and divorce a man who has cancer.
I still hold onto the hope that he will accept the Lord and our marriage can survive all this mess............am I wrong?
BornAgain,
It's completely your decision, choice as to whether or not to divorce him. When you pray, asking the Lord, what is it you feel He is impressing you to do? Follow whatever He leads you to do. He is the only one that knows what's best to do in this situation. And His word assures us that if we ask for wisdom He'll gladly give it to us.
I would also study about co-depent relationships and how to overcome such. Frankly, you are free to do whatever you choose, divorce or not. Of course, until you divorce it's best to not seek another relationship.
You might consider getting a couple of books on Codependency like
"Please Don't Say You Need Me: Biblical Answers for Codependency"
"Freedom from Codependency: A Christian Response"
"Loving Yourself As You Neighbor: A Recovery Guide for Christians Escaping Burnout and Codependency"
Another goooooooood series to go through would be the Boundaries books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend! I highly recommend that you get his book and any other resources they have.
Thank you. I will take a look at these books. I almost know that I am codependant. I grew up with an alcoholic father and have been told before that he was my first "Betrayal Bond"...........a book someone recommended to me also.
Maybe in some way I am still trying to save my daddy.
Your children are grown? Why are they not helping care for him? Have they walked away from him? Personally, I would do what I could from my own home. I would not live with him or sleep with him. I would be his neighbor or sister in the LORD. That other junk is just a bondage the enemy is trying to keep you in. Setting you up to live in a prison of regrets. He has made his choices, and he is facing eternity with them. You would not be able to go to him and wear yourself out to be his wife if he was hit by a truck and died suddenly... God has given him this time to face his choices and to repent. You are in the way... he uses you to not have to deal with his bad choices and you need to stop. Go home, if he needs meals, make some and take them, if he needs rides to the dr or something else... do that. But, if the man down the street got cancer and you wanted to minister to him, you would not move in and sleep with him. You need to stay healthy and strong... don't fall into this bondage. And call your kids, tell them to man up and get over there and help their dad through this. You seem to think satan has had a hayday with your family... but you are the one he is using for a doormat to step on when he does it.
Don't discuss issues with him, he is selfish and until he repents of his sins and decides to lay all of that down and walk with the LORD, you are not going to like the answers you get. And he doesn't care.
Why did he call you, whom he kicked to the curb after being his good wife, when he had cancer? Because he wanted something, he felt sorry for HIM and wanted you to take care of HIM and be there for HIM... that is not what the husband is supposed to do according to the word of GOD and until he does reach out to be what God says he should be, you need to let him go.
BTW.... When the WORD instructs that if you are married to a nonbeliever, and they are content to stay with you, that you stay with them... It does not imply that if they are content to misuse you and mistreat you while not loving you. Do that.
It means that if they love you and are content to be a good husband while you serve the LORD and they don't. Then you should stay with them. Just staying to be used and abused, isn't helping anything.
I think that kensingtons advice is good. help him as a sister in Christ as you may do for any other person in your church who needed help but leave it at that. Only help him though if you can do so wthout it badly affecting you. He is obviously just using you especially for the sex bit.I wouldnt let him take advantage of you like that.
Do you know what his prognosis is as far as the cancer is concerned?
It sounds as if he has a lot of sorting out that he needs to do with God,but he is a big boy now and you cannot be responsible for him and his bahaviour. You can ony ask God to have mercy on Him and enable Him to see the light for himself.
Is there anyone in your church or among friends who can help and support you with this?Sharing the load often helps. Also well done for coming to the Lord there really is no other place to be, and He cares so much about you and what is happening.
Thanks guys. Kensington you have a private message..........
Answers. The children are grown. We have both been married before and the children are from a previous marriage.
That is probably ONE reason that I feel like I have to fight sooooooooooo hard to save this marriage. I have already had a failed marriage and I just knew this one was for a lifetime!!
He has boys. One is in the military and one is busy with his own life of serving Satan. My children love him but they cannot get over how he treated their mother and what he took from me and I don't think he would let them help him even if they volunteered to do so.
He was ALWAYS very jealous over my children. He constantly complained about them (to me NOT to them). He resented the attention that I gave to them.
I feel OBLIGATED to him.
Question?.............I understand the point about doing for the neighbor or anybody who has cancer and doing the same for him but my thing is that I still love this man !!!
How do I get beyond that? Everytime he asked me for "something" the thought runs thru my mind that he may not live very much longer.
The prognosis remains to be seen right now. At first it was extremely grim but now things are looking better. The next scan will tell the story.
Satan really has my head in a turmoil doesn't he?
: BornAgain Wed Jan 14, 2009 - 07:53:44
Satan really has my head in a turmoil doesn't he?
he has no power over a child of God and his story has already been written (he loses) so he can only do what we allow him to get away with!
Amen and Amen............that is the best way to put it. You are absolutely right. I guess I need to put on the whole armour of God and prepare for battle.
I thought that is what I was doing 'fighting for my marriage' but maybe I am totally out in left field somewhere. Maybe I need to be fighting for my sanity instead of my marriage. I stay so confused and I know that the Lord is not the author of confusion either.
God Bless You