My wife told me about her affair two and a half months ago. it was very hard for me as you know. we are both Christians and couldn't imagine my wife doing this. i would have my moments but we were in counseling and things were getting better, i thought. two days ago i found out she was trying to get in touch with him. she said she needed some time to think and moved in with her parents. today, her lover called me and told me she had been sending him messages and letters and that she had just called and told him that she had left me so they could be together. she has told me, swore to me that she has had no contact with this man since the day i found out, she also told me that they had had sex only once, that was also a lie. about thirty minutes after i got off the phone with him, she called and wanted to talk to me. i dropped the kids off at church and she met me at the house. she said she needed my forgiveness, she was sorry and she loved me. she had no idea i had talked to him.
they teach together at a high school about thirty minutes from our house, i confronted him on the day of revelation and he knew it would cost both of them their jobs if this continued. he told me she needed to leave him alone on the phone today and that she had been harassing him.
anyway after she asked forgiveness, i asked her if she had been honest and she said yes that she had had no contact with him. i told her i knew, that he had told me. she went from crying to stone faced and cold. i questioned her and she admitted to having an affair with another man she worked with last year. but she said it was strictly sexual. i don't know where to go from here. we have a seven year old and twin four year olds. What do i need to do? the affair that she had this year was as much emotional as it was sexual, and from all my reading on the subject, i can almost understand, i guess. but just a sexual affair with this other man, that is what i am having trouble dealing with right know.
please help, suggestions, anything
Goodness I do feel for you terribly. if you read more on these forums you will see that some of us have been in the sort of situation that you are now. The thing that bothers me as much as the affairs, is the lying. If she lies to you how can you ever trust her? Also the fact that she has now had two affairs in a year isnt a good sign. Some people just seem to find it impossible to be faithful, and after a fairly short marriage that raises a red flag.
It really depends on what you want to do next really. If you still want to make as go of it, then she will need to be fully committed also, and it doesnt sound as if she is. It may also have to be made clear I feel that one more time and that is it. no more chances.No more lying .
I also feel that you would both need to have counselling together for some time and set some very strict boundaries in the marriage to avoid this happening again, such as she isnt ever allowed to ever spend time alone with another man, whether at work or not. She is being extreemly selfish especially as you have three children. She is putting her own desires and what she wants above you and the children. (and God)
As both of the affairs happened at work maybe you wil need to rethink where she works or whether she works at all if she cannot be trusted.
I have to admit that if I were you I couldnt remain married to her after two affairs and all of ther lying, but that of course is something that only you can decide.Could you ever trust her again? I dont think that I could in your position.
I do wonder where she is with Christ that she can so easily disobey his clear teaching about being unfaithful (twice), and lying so blatently. it sounds as if she needs some serious sorting out to do in her own life before she ruins her childrens lives as well.
I do know that Christians can and do committ adultery, but she sounds as if she is totally unrepentant and was prepared to leave both you and your children to have her way.
I would ask God for clear direction, becuase if she isnt going to change, what future do you have together?She will have to be totally and 100% repentant before you, God, and maybe one or two others in the church, and held to account for what she has done.
My brothers wife committed adultery four times and lied each time. He forgave the first two but when he found out about the others he had had enough. She was totally unable to grasp the idea of being faithful and left him and her children to live with the final man she had an affair with. However they arent christians.
Could you go and see your pastor or someone else in your church who you trust to talk this out? She needs to be held accountable to someone else appart from you if she does want to carry on ther marriage and if you do too. She nees to be told how terribly serious her bahaviour is before God. She cannot be allowed to carry on with this way of life causing you and the children such misery.
God Bless and I hope that you are able to salvage something from all this.
Hi again
I also realised that she was only seemingly sorry and repentant after the man told her not to contact him anymore on the phone. I guess she left you to be with him and when he said no she decided that she had better go back to you or else be alone. This means that she was never truly sorry for what she did and sounds as if her tears were very much put on to manipulate you into taking her back.
The long and the short of it is that it is totally up to you now whether you feel that you can trust her again, not to lie and not to have yet another affair. if you cant then what is a marriage without trust?Nothing really is it.
God Bless
Hey
I am so sorry you are having to face this. I agree with what chosenone said.
You know there are manipulative women out here as well as men!
I really believe the first "relationship" she really needs to examine is the one with God. Sounds like she really has some issues going on.
You will be in my prayers
: BornAgain Fri Jan 16, 2009 - 08:07:58
Hey
I am so sorry you are having to face this. I agree with what chosenone said.
You know there are manipulative women out here as well as men!
I really believe the first "relationship" she really needs to examine is the one with God. Sounds like she really has some issues going on.
You will be in my prayers
Goodness yes,I know some really controlling and manipulative women. One of them is my husbands ex wife, and another is my mother in law (Thank The Lord that she lives in Australia and we live in England )
email i just recieved from my wife
I am praying every night that I can make the changes that need to take
place in my life to help me but that will also help our family. I also
pray that you can one day forgive me for everything I have done and said.
I have to go now, but please don't give up on me. I want our family back
together
: jjk1 Fri Jan 16, 2009 - 13:31:58
email i just recieved from my wife
I am praying every night that I can make the changes that need to take
place in my life to help me but that will also help our family. I also
pray that you can one day forgive me for everything I have done and said.
I have to go now, but please don't give up on me. I want our family back
together
Time will tell I guess but if I were you I would take it very very slowly . Its your decision as to whether you can trust her after all this. i couldnt do it personally but everyone is different.
I do wonder if she only wants you back becuase her boyfriend didnt want her any more. if he had she would be with him now.
: jjk1 Thu Jan 15, 2009 - 20:25:47
My wife told me about her affair two and a half months ago. it was very hard for me as you know. we are both Christians and couldn't imagine my wife doing this. i would have my moments but we were in counseling and things were getting better, i thought. two days ago i found out she was trying to get in touch with him. she said she needed some time to think and moved in with her parents. today, her lover called me and told me she had been sending him messages and letters and that she had just called and told him that she had left me so they could be together. she has told me, swore to me that she has had no contact with this man since the day i found out, she also told me that they had had sex only once, that was also a lie. about thirty minutes after i got off the phone with him, she called and wanted to talk to me. i dropped the kids off at church and she met me at the house. she said she needed my forgiveness, she was sorry and she loved me. she had no idea i had talked to him.
they teach together at a high school about thirty minutes from our house, i confronted him on the day of revelation and he knew it would cost both of them their jobs if this continued. he told me she needed to leave him alone on the phone today and that she had been harassing him.
anyway after she asked forgiveness, i asked her if she had been honest and she said yes that she had had no contact with him. i told her i knew, that he had told me. she went from crying to stone faced and cold. i questioned her and she admitted to having an affair with another man she worked with last year. but she said it was strictly sexual. i don't know where to go from here. we have a seven year old and twin four year olds. What do i need to do? the affair that she had this year was as much emotional as it was sexual, and from all my reading on the subject, i can almost understand, i guess. but just a sexual affair with this other man, that is what i am having trouble dealing with right know.
please help, suggestions, anything
Wow...My heart aches for you and your family. I have been through this situation also and sadly, my situation ended in a divorce. Her decision mind you, but a divorce nonetheless.
Man, where to start. Please forgive my bluntness in this post.
Well, first, the obvious facts.
1. She is a liar.
2. She is an adulterer.
3. She is selfish.
4. She is in trouble.
Now, for the not so obvious... Are there issues in the marriage that have lead up to this? I noticed you posted this:
the affair that she had this year was as much emotional as it was sexual, and from all my reading on the subject, i can almost understand, i guess. but just a sexual affair with this other man, that is what i am having trouble dealing with right know.
Ummm, I do not mind saying that this really confuses me...How could you "almost understand" an emotional and sexual affair but be "conflicted" by the purely sexual affair? I am at a total loss of words on that one. That seems backwards and tells me something is amiss in your marriage and married life.
Now for some hard truths.
Most people who have affairs do it because they are selfish. Of course they blame it on many things, but in the end it is due to being selfish. Period. Most people who step across that line and committ adultery, have multiple affairs. The type of sorrow you saw and are seeing in your wife is what we call, "worldy sorrow". How did you find out about the affair? Was it discovered or did she tell you willingly?
You also know, from your post, that she has been contacting him and trying to establish a relationship with him. Only AFTER he pushed her away does she want to try and "find herself" and hope to reconcile. I went through this same exact thing. Realize this, she is only coming back because she was rejected from the other end... Can you live with that? Can you accept that she has been sexually involved with at least 2 other men during your marriage?
Now, before I get all my friends fired up at me here, I posted all of that for this reason.... What you just read is about as bad as it gets... It is raw, gritty and mean.. Nasty really...But it is REALITY for you friend.
God CAN fix this marriage. Make no mistake about that. But the issue comes in about being committed to fixing it. She has to make a decision that she WANTS the marriage. You two have to figure out what went wrong in the marriage for her to do what she did. It will not be easy. And if she is not committed, it will never work. God will not impose His will on her. And it take two to make it work. I tried this friend. And all I did was waste another 5 years of my life with a woman who did not love me and was looking for the next "ride" the minute we were back together.. Just waiting for something better... And as soon as it came along, she was gone. Of course, the grass always looks greener from the other side of the fence... Yours could be just as green if she would help tend to it and fertilize it.
Before you make a decision, you need to KNOW that she is committed to the marriage. There will be many, many hours of counseling and prayer... And the one thing that is really difficult, but absolutely essential, if you do choose to forgive her, do not ever bring it up again. Forgive and let it go. If you do not think you ca do that, walk away. You have every right, biblically, to walk away.
If you decide to work on it, turn it all over to the Lord. Claim victory from the very first prayer. Fight satan for your marriage. Do not look back. Put on the armor of God (His word), and fight for your marriage. It will take a lot of work. But it can be done. But her heart must be changed and the only way to do that is for the Lord Jesus Christ to change her heart. You said that you both were Christians, how do you know she is a Christian? She seems to have a pattern here. How long have you been married?
I know you said you guys were in counseling together, but remember this... Most people just tell them what the counselor wants to hear. And yes, it is just that easy. If a person is lying about things and they are not ready or willing to "divulge" the whole enchilada, they won't. They will lie about it.
Man, I fell badly for you. I will pray for your marriage... I will also pray for you to find peace in this turbulent time. Take care of the children... They need you..
At least she sees that she needs to change.
You have to examine yourself to determine if you are willing to try to make the marriage work, but that requires that you have to have some degree of trust and you don't have a basis to do that.
Me personally, I wouldn't consider it unless I had full access to her computer (keystroke logger suggested) and email accounts, to detailed billing for any cell phone and her leave record at work. If you don't have some way to verify claims you will suffer mentally because you justifiably will have little trust.
I encourage you to read, "Surviving An Affair" by Jennifer and William Harley. On one hand, one hates to see a marriage end in divorce, but living together with her continuing to commit adultery is far worse. Even God divorced Israel for her many adulteries, Jer. 3:8. Divorce is tragic, like amputation. But though the doctor seeks to save a leg, if it's gone too far with gangrene, she will amputate it to save the life.
Teaching your children that there are expectations of fidelity in marriage is an important part of their emotional development and future relational health. If you allow your wife to continue in that pattern of life and remain in relationship with you, it will be destructive for everyone, especially the children.
Like I said, "Surviving an Affair" is a very good book and will empower you with some wise steps that will save your marriage, if your wife is truly repentant.
Another good book is "Boundaries" by Townsend, and "Boundaries in marriage". Modeling healthy boundaries is an important aspect of a parents responsibilities.
I pray that God gives you wisdom.