Hi,
Can I ask for some advice please? This guy who I have known (not very well, and for about 10 years) and I have recently started emailing each other. (started a month ago) Just about general stuff, getting to know each other, that sort of thing. He's the loveliest guy, so kind and thoughtful. He asked if I would like to go see a movie and out for dinner after, which we did earlier this week. I'm not really sure how it went, except that I like him even more now, he's as lovely in real life as he is online. Anyway, because I wasn't sure how it went I asked him 'what happens now' (which I'm regretting- too forward you think?) and he said he has no idea what happens now and he's just taking things as they go. So what would you make of what he's said? I have no idea how to interpret that. Should I just let it go? For my own sanity I feel like I need to know. Also does going to a movie and then out for dinner constitute a date? I wasn't sure before we went and I'm not sure now either. He was such a gentleman- opening doors for me, pouring me water, letting me sit down in the restaurant first, paying for the movie etc... And for what its worth, he know's I think he's great. Advice please ::smile::
Ms r:
: rachelliott Thu Jan 07, 2010 - 20:51:57
Hi,
Can I ask for some advice please? This guy who I have known (not very well, and for about 10 years) and I have recently started emailing each other. (started a month ago) Just about general stuff, getting to know each other, that sort of thing. He's the loveliest guy, so kind and thoughtful. He asked if I would like to go see a movie and out for dinner after, which we did earlier this week. I'm not really sure how it went, except that I like him even more now, he's as lovely in real life as he is online. Anyway, because I wasn't sure how it went I asked him 'what happens now' (which I'm regretting- too forward you think?) and he said he has no idea what happens now and he's just taking things as they go. So what would you make of what he's said? I have no idea how to interpret that. Should I just let it go? For my own sanity I feel like I need to know. Also does going to a movie and then out for dinner constitute a date? I wasn't sure before we went and I'm not sure now either. He was such a gentleman- opening doors for me, pouring me water, letting me sit down in the restaurant first, paying for the movie etc... And for what its worth, he know's I think he's great. Advice please ::smile::
You guys need first of all to get into some serious Bible study, to figure where you are going, individually and together.
(I can't advise much about movies, though...)
be wise, be gracious, be prudent and make God lord over the whole thing. Rushing someone can be a turnoff. Just let him be himself and be honest about how you fee (and expect the same from him).
Does that help?
Ms yesult:
: yesult Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 03:23:21
be wise, be gracious, be prudent and make God lord over the whole thing. Rushing someone can be a turnoff. Just let him be himself and be honest about how you fee (and expect the same from him).
Does that help?
You think they should avoid the holding hands thing, maybe?
Take care.
This is all good advice, thanks. But what does 'I have no idea what happens now, I'm just taking things as they go' mean? (a guy's perspective would be nice please :))
Ms rachell:
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 03:43:56
This is all good advice, thanks. But what does 'I have no idea what happens now, I'm just taking things as they go' mean? (a guy's perspective would be nice please :))
So do you read the Bible?
Did you hold hands?
Take care.
Yes I do read my Bible, I'm learning not to compromise on that one, even when its late at night and I'm tired ::smile:: And no we didn't have any physical contact. I wanted there to be, because I felt if there was it might help me to work out what was happening (date or not, you know) and cos I like him I wanted to hold his hand, but no it didn't happen. ::smile::
Ms Rachell:
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 03:57:11
Yes I do read my Bible, I'm learning not to compromise on that one, even when its late at night and I'm tired ::smile:: And no we didn't have any physical contact. I wanted there to be, because I felt if there was it might help me to work out what was happening (date or not, you know) and cos I like him I wanted to hold his hand, but no it didn't happen. ::smile::
Good to feed prayerfully on the Word day by day. Does he?
You say you wanted to have physical contact? like, simply to hold his hand?
Take care.
I don't know about reading his Bible, but I've seen evidence that he is a Christian, he goes to church, has taught Sunday school, his prayer before eating the other night was heartfelt and sincere and just his general attitude toward's life and other people tells me he is. Yes, I did want to hold his hand, as it would have helped clarify things for me and cos I like him I wanted that closeness.
Ms rachell:
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:07:14
I don't know about reading his Bible, but I've seen evidence that he is a Christian, he goes to church, has taught Sunday school, his prayer before eating the other night was heartfelt and sincere and just his general attitude toward's life and other people tells me he is. Yes, I did want to hold his hand, as it would have helped clarify things for me and cos I like him I wanted that closeness.
Great he favorably impressed you with his spiritual attitude. This seems like a step in the right direction, anyway.
So you just thought of holding his hand for a while, that's all, then?
Take care.
Yeah, but I was not nearly forward enough to take his hand, I wanted that to be up to him. So Yesult, you think by asking 'what happens now?' I may have been rushing him?
has he contacted you since that date? (and yes I do think it was a date)
If he hasnt contacted you after a few days,just assume that he doesnt want to see you any more. If he has, and has asked you out again then assume that he is interested.
I would wait for him to hold your hand, if you see him again. Dont rush things in that way.
Ms rachell:
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:20:05
Yeah, but I was not nearly forward enough to take his hand, I wanted that to be up to him. ...
So that's
entirely what you meant, then, re. the physical contact that you said you wanted: you wanted him to reach for your hand?
Take care.
Also was that the first time you have met in person?
Ms ch:
: chosenone Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:27:06
Also was that the first time you have met in person?
Like, you mean, was it a 'blind date'....
We have been in contact since Monday (when we went out) through email. That was when he said he had no idea whats next and he was just going to see what happens. The thing is though I will see him again as we go to the same church, so it may not be in a romantic capacity, it will be hard if nothing happens, because I'll be reminded of him saying no every time I see him. (if that happens)
Yes Farouk, I wanted to hold his hand, but he didn't and I don't know what to think now.
No we met about 10 years ago, but have never really gotten to know each other since. We've seen each other plenty of times before, but all this is new.
It wasn't a blind date, we've just not really connected before.
: farouk Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:29:01
Ms ch:
: chosenone Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:27:06
Also was that the first time you have met in person?
Like, you mean, was it a 'blind date'....
Well she said that they had ben in contact by e-mail and I got the impression that they hadnt met before. It is quite an important question.
Ms rachell:
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:34:42
We have been in contact since Monday (when we went out) through email. That was when he said he had no idea whats next and he was just going to see what happens. The thing is though I will see him again as we go to the same church, so it may not be in a romantic capacity, it will be hard if nothing happens, because I'll be reminded of him saying no every time I see him. (if that happens)
Yes Farouk, I wanted to hold his hand, but he didn't and I don't know what to think now.
No we met about 10 years ago, but have never really gotten to know each other since. We've seen each other plenty of times before, but all this is new.
It wasn't a blind date, we've just not really connected before.
He like refused to hold your hand? or you never know, he was just shy? If so he might be willing another time, maybe?
Take care.
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:34:42
We have been in contact since Monday (when we went out) through email. That was when he said he had no idea whats next and he was just going to see what happens. The thing is though I will see him again as we go to the same church, so it may not be in a romantic capacity, it will be hard if nothing happens, because I'll be reminded of him saying no every time I see him. (if that happens)
Yes Farouk, I wanted to hold his hand, but he didn't and I don't know what to think now.
No we met about 10 years ago, but have never really gotten to know each other since. We've seen each other plenty of times before, but all this is new.
It wasn't a blind date, we've just not really connected before.
OK well it depends on what he has been saying in his e-mails. Has he mentioned the date? Has he mentioned asking you our again?Does he seem keen on seeing you again?
Ms rachell:
: chosenone Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:38:10
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:34:42
We have been in contact since Monday (when we went out) through email. That was when he said he had no idea whats next and he was just going to see what happens. The thing is though I will see him again as we go to the same church, so it may not be in a romantic capacity, it will be hard if nothing happens, because I'll be reminded of him saying no every time I see him. (if that happens)
Yes Farouk, I wanted to hold his hand, but he didn't and I don't know what to think now.
No we met about 10 years ago, but have never really gotten to know each other since. We've seen each other plenty of times before, but all this is new.
It wasn't a blind date, we've just not really connected before.
OK well it depends on what he has been saying in his e-mails. Has he mentioned the date? Has he mentioned asking you our again?Does he seem keen on seeing you again?
So he's been emaling you since? he wouldn't be doing that, anyway, if he didn't like you, right? Maybe it was just shyness why he didn't hold your hand, then? There's always a next time, perhaps, if you both think it's the Lord's will for you to keep meeting.
Take care.
I definitely wouldn't date someone I hadn't met before, that's just not me. We've talked about lots of things in emails- Christmas, uni degrees, finding work, what kinds of movies we like, food etc...nothing too heavy really.
I've only received one email since we went out. We were emailing almost daily till we went out on Monday. Now I get the feeling we are both a bit unsure of what to do, whether we should email or not. I (almost desperately) want to contact him but I'm holding back for some reason, I think because of what he's said in the last email (about having no idea). He didn't mention the date in the email, except to tell me (nicely of course) just to relax with him and to not worry too much about saying the wrong thing as I won't offend him, I mentioned I was nervous on our 'date'...
I don't think he refused to hold my hand, maybe he honestly doesn't share my romantic feelings or wasn't sure whether I wanted him to or not. He isn't shy, but it was our first time out together which could account for it not happening? I don't know...
That's what really don't know about, whether we'll meet again.
Ms rachell:
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:50:01
I definitely wouldn't date someone I hadn't met before, that's just not me. We've talked about lots of things in emails- Christmas, uni degrees, finding work, what kinds of movies we like, food etc...nothing too heavy really.
I've only received one email since we went out. We were emailing almost daily till we went out on Monday. Now I get the feeling we are both a bit unsure of what to do, whether we should email or not. I (almost desperately) want to contact him but I'm holding back for some reason, I think because of what he's said in the last email (abut having no idea). He didn't mention the date in the email, except to tell me (nicely of course) just to relax with him and to not worry too much about saying the wrong thing as I won't offend him, I mentioned I was nervous on our 'date'...
I don't think he refused to hold my hand, maybe he honestly doesn't share my romantic feelings or wasn't sure whether I wanted him to or not. He isn't shy, but it was our first time out together which could account for it not happening? I don't know...
That's what really don't know about, whether we'll meet again.
Oh so he wants you to relax with him; that's hopeful. Does he realize you desparately (as you say) want to see him? It wouldn't surprise me if next time you'll be holding hands pretty soon. Keep trusting the Lord.
Take care.
You've given me hope Farouk! I'm sure he doesn't know I want to see him, and I think telling him would just put pressure on him, I may email him sometime though. We'll see ::smile::
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 04:50:01
I definitely wouldn't date someone I hadn't met before, that's just not me. We've talked about lots of things in emails- Christmas, uni degrees, finding work, what kinds of movies we like, food etc...nothing too heavy really.
I've only received one email since we went out. We were emailing almost daily till we went out on Monday. Now I get the feeling we are both a bit unsure of what to do, whether we should email or not. I (almost desperately) want to contact him but I'm holding back for some reason, I think because of what he's said in the last email (about having no idea). He didn't mention the date in the email, except to tell me (nicely of course) just to relax with him and to not worry too much about saying the wrong thing as I won't offend him, I mentioned I was nervous on our 'date'...
I don't think he refused to hold my hand, maybe he honestly doesn't share my romantic feelings or wasn't sure whether I wanted him to or not. He isn't shy, but it was our first time out together which could account for it not happening? I don't know...
That's what really don't know about, whether we'll meet again.
Hmmm I am sorry to say from what you said that he may not be too keen to see you again. I feel that he would have said something about the date (such as thank you, I had a great time or whatever)and I also think he would also have mentioned going out again sometimes even if he hadnt specifically asked for a date yet.
I am a mum of three young adults (one of whom is engaged and two of whom have boyfriends)and have also been out with different guys in my past,and to me it doesnt look too hopeful. I may be worng of course.
How old are you both?
He's 33, I'm 25, we've mentioned age's in an email and that was before we went out so I don't think its an issue. So you think don't email him again? Wait and see if he emails me?
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 05:08:51
He's 33, I'm 25, we've mentioned age's in an email and that was before we went out so I don't think its an issue. So you think don't email him again? Wait and see if he emails me?
well at 33 he is quite old enough not to hang round if he likes someone.Has he ahd girlfriends before?
If you really want to know where you are (and you do have a right to know if there will be any more dates or not)then ask him. Its better for you to know where you are. If he previously e-mailed you every day and now he isnt it seems that he is keeping his distance.
Maybe you could say something like " I really enjoyed our evening together. Could we do it again sometime?" and see what he says.
He has had a gf before, this I know. What do you mean when you say 'not hang around'? Do you mean not waste time just having fun with someone? I was kind of asking him when I asked 'so what happens now', and he said he has no idea and he'll take things as they come. Thing is I havn't been emailing him everyday like I used to either, we both seem a little unsure whether to or not. And I feel if I asked him about going out again it would be a bit too forward. (I want him to ask that you know ::lookaround::)
And by the way, as much as I don't like it, I think you're right when you say if he was interested he would have mentioned enjoying our date...he didn't :(
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 05:30:27
He has had a gf before, this I know. What do you mean when you say 'not hang around'? Do you mean not waste time just having fun with someone? I was kind of asking him when I asked 'so what happens now', and he said he has no idea and he'll take things as they come. Thing is I havn't been emailing him everyday like I used to either, we both seem a little unsure whether to or not. And I feel if I asked him about going out again it would be a bit too forward. (I want him to ask that you know ::lookaround::)
And by the way, as much as I don't like it, I think you're right when you say if he was interested he would have mentioned enjoying our date...he didn't :(
Sorry Rachel, what I meant was that he is 33, and at that age many guys are married or wanting to be, so if he saw you in that way (more than a friend)I would have thought he would be persuing you.
Do you get my meaning? After all, he isnt a really young man any more is he.
If you feel you cannot ask at all, then just tell him that you really enjoyed your time together and see what he says. If he doesnt reply, or replies but doesnt mention it, then it maybe you have to accept that he isnt interested in more than a friendship.
Yeah, I think you're right and its best to just leave it. Its a very bitter pill to swallow though ::cryingtears::
Thanks for your advice
rachel it is possible that he is ultra cautious, but I think it is more likely that he isnt interested, but do contact him and see what happens.
.
i hope he is just cautious, that gf I mentioned was also a fiancé that didn't work out. I might contact him. Thanks ::smile::
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 06:06:20
i hope he is just cautious, that gf I mentioned was also a fiancé that didn't work out. I might contact him. Thanks ::smile::
Was that recently? if it was very recent he may be shying away from another relationship and wanting to take things slowly. if it was years ago then that may not be the case.
It was a few years ago. I don't know any details except that I heard he liked her for 7 years before they got together.
.
Ms ch:
: chosenone Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 06:03:41
rachel it is possible that he is ultra cautious, but I think it is more likely that he isnt interested, but do contact him and see what happens.
.
Yes, as Ms ch. says, try it. There's no harm attempting it.
(PS: If he was actually engaged, you might want to find out discreetly what happened for it to be broken off; otherwise, consider that you might get burned, too. This is more important than holding hands any time soon.)
Take care.
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 07:04:57
It was a few years ago. I don't know any details except that he liked her for 7 years before they got together. Personally I think she's crazy for ever letting him go...
[/quote ]
If it was a few years ago then he would probably be over her by now.As for her letting him go, maybe you dont know him well enough yet to knwo what the reasons were and if it was him or her who called it off. yes and also as farouk said, it may be a good idea to know what happened to cause her not to want to marry him.(if that was the case)
Ms rachell; Ms ch:
: chosenone Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 10:37:03
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 07:04:57
It was a few years ago. I don't know any details except that he liked her for 7 years before they got together. Personally I think she's crazy for ever letting him go...
If it was a few years ago then he would probably be over her by now.As for her letting him go, maybe you dont know him well enough yet to knwo what the reasons were and if it was him or her who called it off. yes and also as farouk said, it may be a good idea to know what happened to cause her not to want to marry him.(if that was the case)
You might even want to figure if it was the other way round, too. (Like, if he gave her marching orders, so to speak. I'm not trying denigrate him; simply, it's in your interests to find out if there are any big issues there.)
Take care.
Maybe, but he's never mentioned her in any capacity and I don't feel it would be the right thing to do to ask about her, maybe if we were together and were closer I would though. For now I think I will try my best just to leave things, because through the advice given me here I've realised that he's probably not as interested (if he is at all) as I am.
: rachelliott Thu Jan 07, 2010 - 20:51:57
Hi,
Can I ask for some advice please? This guy who I have known (not very well, and for about 10 years) and I have recently started emailing each other.
So, you have known him and you two have not gotten to know each other about how you and he approach making decisions about relationships? With ladies I get to know, this is one thing we find very interesting to explore. I let them know I pray and sense for how God has me relating with each lady, and that God wants me to be loving with every lady > Jesus wants us to love all people > so, also, I expect a lady to be able to help me as my helpmate to learn how to love all people, not only her.
He's the loveliest guy, so kind and thoughtful. ....he's as lovely in real life as he is online.
This is basic, I'd say, how God would have me be in relating with any person.
Anyway, because I wasn't sure how it went I asked him 'what happens now' (which I'm regretting- too forward you think?)
It depends on your relationship and your personalities. I have known women who are very forward and adventurous, and we expect to talk openly. Others > can be very subtle and this challenges me to have sense and intuition ::smile:: Both are good > the forward and the mysterious ::smile:: So . . . enjoy discovering how God has you loving him how he really is.
and he said he has no idea what happens now and he's just taking things as they go. So what would you make of what he's said? I have no idea how to interpret that. Should I just let it go?
Well, the Bible does say we do not know what each day will bring. So, a Christian man who knows the Bible could mean this, by saying that ::smile:: > could be a good thing to hear, then ::smile::
For my own sanity I feel like I need to know.
But that may not be so adventurous and challenging for seeking God honestly to know His will and obey how He would like to do things. If we jump to getting a conclusion, this can mean we are trying to make things happen that * > we < * want and can control. A really Christian guy "might" prefer to feel God out and learn better how to walk with Him and see if you are still walking with him when he does ::smile::
Also does going to a movie and then out for dinner constitute a date? I wasn't sure before we went and I'm not sure now either.
If you are God's choice for him . . . no need to put a label on one of your first most precious times together ::smile:: Relax and enjoy. It was beautiful, whether you are meant for each other or not. If he really is Christian, then he's a fine brother who has shared with you, and was kind about answering your question > you say he did say you could say things without rattling him, didn't he? I offer > he means whatever he says, if he's a deeply honest person; so enjoy discovering a real brother, possibly, however this turns out. Even if God has not chosen you for each other > if he's a really Jesus guy, now you have a standard of excellence for who God would have you marry. Many a lady has settled for less, thinking there aren't any really Christian guys. Now you have proof otherwise, possibly . . . I mean, if he is real > you need to be able to sense in the Holy Spirit to really know.
he know's I think he's great.
If he knows this, I'd say you have communicated more personally, than you have let us know, here ::smile:: I think each guy is different; and so guys can say and do the same thing, but each one can mean something different. You need to get to know someone, so you know what he means, I'd say. And enjoy getting more with God so you enjoy and appreciate however He plans to have this turn out ::smile::
Thanks for your reply Comfy, lots of good advice. He knows I think he's great because I told him this when he's been understanding and kind in his emails. (and I didn't expect him to be) I've always sought to encourage him and build him up as best I can and that's what I was doing when I told him I think he's great. It was also my way of saying thanks to him.
ok First, it depends on your age, i made a huge mistake when i went out with a girl when i was 14, and we did hold hands, it ended in disaster and since then i have learned to follow god. do not have any physical contact until you are engaged, if its just a date and you have no intention of marrying him, it is wrong
I'm 25, he's 33, so we are not too young. I know what I want- a long term (life!) relationship. I'm not in this just for fun. I don't see physical contact before marriage as wrong (holding hands, kissing, that stuff...) because its a way of showing someone you care about them. Thanks for your advice though ::smile::
: rachelliott Fri Jan 08, 2010 - 03:43:56
This is all good advice, thanks. But what does 'I have no idea what happens now, I'm just taking things as they go' mean? (a guy's perspective would be nice please :))
I suspect that he isn't sure where he is headed in life in the next 2-3 years and that he isnt really sure what to do with you as a woman.
And I suspect that he does not understand what a woman fells and thinks when a man does something like this.
Has he asked your dad to take you out?
My whole take on this: PRAY!!!! ask for wisdom and guidance. God will give it to you.
Ask God to reveal to you the intentions that this guy has....
He sounds like a good guy, polite and all, and yes, going out to movie or dinner or whatever is a date, I say go out some more, get to know each other more and if you like at some point ask him about courting and if that goes well ask him about engagement. No reason not to make it official if it's working out.