Hello,
I am nearly married to my girlfriend. Out of the blue she had to leave town with her mom to attend and support her mom through a funeral. She has not seen this family in over 13 years. I completely was supportive. A problem with me developed. When she is out of town- I feel like I disappear off the face of the planet. She doesn't call to say hello or barely talks. When she is at home she is completely attentive and always there. I believe the problems started when a few days back, she said that she was so excited to see a guy cousin who was 4 years younger than her. Not a problem. But, that night she didn't call at all. Come to find out the next night - she met up with alot of the people at the funeral (cousins- I guess) and they all went to a bar. For some reason, that makes me extremely uncomfortable. then again- where are they all supposed to meet up for talking - A target? :) I simply told her that it bothers me that she doesn't call or doesn't care to call. I also told her that I understand that she is busy. But, you cannot find 15 minutes to talk. It hurts my feelings.
Now- she called me yesterday and is extending the trip to Sunday instead of coming home today as planned. She said that she will not see these folks in ten more years. I understand that and agree. I guess its all the previous stuff adding up and my anger and frustration is starting to make me look like the bad guy here. I'm trying to support her so much. But, it's hard clouded with my frustration and hurt. Guys and gals- am I wrong here? If so, I would like to grow and change for the bettter. Otherwise, I would like to hear any opinions?
Thanks so much,
Joseph
Hi Joseph,
I don't want to say you are wrong for your feelings but be careful in the way you handle this situation. Is there a reason you don't trust that your girlfriend is going to do the 'right' thing while away from you? Also, just let her know that you would appreciate if she'd call you every now and again while out of town to let you know how she is doing.
I'm not sure what else to say about it. But it sounds like there may be some trust issues there. Would you agree?
You say you are nearly married. Are you engaged? Have you set a date?
It does sounds as if she is wrapped up with her other relatives, but yes, she could take a few minutes to call you I am sure.This may be a good thing to have a few days apart to see where your relationship is and how you feel about each other. Do you trust her 100%?
Do you feel, deep down that she respects you? Do you love her, and feel that she loves you as deeply back?
Is she the kind of person that gives total focus to whoever is with her at the time (I think I can tend to have that kind of approach with people.) So she loves her friends and family but she does tend to shift her focus and attention from person to person. That doesn't mean her love changes, it just means her focus changes.
If you feel insecure in that because that isn't the way you relate to people, you might take be taking her intentions the wrong way.
A thought anyway.
My prayers are with you.
It sounds like she is a very task oriented person. I am the same way. I went 8 days without calling my wife when I had a new job that took me from home. It wasnt that i was too busy for her, or i forgot, I was just 100% focused on the task at hand, and making a living for my new wife and I (Married 3 weeks at this point) We have been married for years now and i have had to learn how to divide my time between work and home. Also She needs to know that you dont like being on the back burner for too long.
When she gets home, help her un-pack and get completely situated back at home and THEN address this issue, it may be a couple days, be patient. By talking to her too soon its like talking to her right now. Once she hangs up she turns off the emotion to get the job done. But once she is home and realxed she can embrace both her emotions and her feeling about the last weeks worth of stuff. Act too early and she might shut down, Jsut my $ .02
-B
Hello Joseph
i just ready you mail and i want to tell you that i pass thro the same situation not long a go but now i am perfectly with my girl, all you need to do is that always call her if she does not call you, give her surprises gifts (pets, puppy) if she like them and always take her this was the three things i did and now i am enjoying the most wonderful time of my life. please fill free to contact for more information (Link deleted per rule 3.3) and i wish you the best
christiano
Funerals with family you don't see in years can be strange to say the least. YES of course you can catch up with those you are fond of. They are also very exhasting.
I think you are taking this way to personal.
You are the center of her world when she is home, and it sounds like you are attempting to make an effort in this circumstance. You may say you are supportive of this trip, but it sure does sound more like you are VERY uncomfortable with it. Its a stressful time during deaths and funerals, and I would like you to think about your approach next time something like this comes up.
There is nothing WRONG with asking for 15 minutes to talk while she is gone, but instead of telling her she is hurting your feelings? Why not remind her it is nice to hear her voice, and when does she think she will have time to call again instead! That shows respect for her circumstance, and makes her feel good to know you are thinking of her!
She is no doubt tired, and travel, relatives, the plans, etc just plain pooped you out! I have been there myself, and its so much better to hear someone UPBEAT when I call instead of them hinting they are hurt because I can't find the time to spare 15 minutes. Step back and think on that for a minute please! That doesn't a bit icky doesn't it? Who would you rather speak to when if you were in this circumstance? Its good to her your voice, or you can't spare 15 minutes?!
If you asked her to call, and she does call in the future to make sure your feelings aren't hurt? I don't understand your angry and frustration building over this.
When I first got married we didn't have cell phones, and I only had one opportunity to call home during a funeral trip. lol I was laying in bed ready to fall asleep as well. I have had trips since then, and I have to be honest with you if my husband told me what you mentioned to her? I quite honestly wouldn't understand him. You need to take into account what she is dealing with presently, and if you want a phone call find a better way of asking for it.
lol why don't you just be honest, and just admit you MISS her terribly and don't know what to do about it! Believe me life will throw you mountains in the future compared to the speck you are dealing with presently! Its okay to miss her! Matter of fact if you are just honest about that part? You will make her feel special, and she will make a point of wanting to call! You have given her great incentive to last time you talked, and I'm sure she misses you as well! If she doesn't - don't jump to conclusions! It sounds like you are fighting yourself from doing just that.
Do you see the difference between the two approaches?
Don't make her feel you don't trust her, because that is what I would feel. Don't make her feel insecure over leaving for something like this. She will sense your resentment over this, and when she is a bit baffled by it? Don't take it personally either. I personally would be baffled myself.
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill! She loves you for goodness sakes! Show her with actions you KNOW this!