Well, maybe I'm not the kind of guy I've always tried to be. I know that I am a sinner and as such I am capeable of any kind of sin. But There is a difference of thinking about being a sinner and actually doing it.
I was raised in a christian household and have always lived a christian lifestyle. I was saved at about the age of 5. I have a real relationship with Christ. I have never been drunk or done any kind of drug that wasn't perscribed to me by a doctor. I have never "partied" like so many young people have done.
In college I met a woman and fell in love. I asked her to marry me. She was already employed with a good corporate job. We shared kisses but nothing more. I was expecting to marry her. I went out of state to look for a job. The result was that she broke up with me, as I found out she didn't understand why I didn't talk to her about going out of state to look for a job. I did return to my home state but we never got back together. She later married another man who divorced her after 3 years for another woman he met in law school and studied with while his wife (the woman I fell in love with) put him through law school. He left her as soon as he graduated.
I met a wonderful divorced woman and had sex with her repeatedly before marriage. We married after 3 years of on again, off again relationship. She had 3 kids by her first husband who abandoned her for another woman but she could not have any more children. She is a Godly woman. We have had problems all during our marriage. About 5 years ago (this is after she had a hysterectomy) she told me she had no desire for sex with me or any man. For the last three years we have not had sexual relations. We have been married for about 16 years.
I have put up with this lack of sex as a faithful husband and because I love her. Right now we are physically separated for unrelated reasons. We have been separated for 6 months and will be separated for at least another month. I left her in another state thousands of miles away. When I left her I thought to myself I would not be back because of the state of our relationship. I came back to my home state.
I in the past few months I reconnected with the first woman I fell in love with. She is still single. I still have feelings for her and have always had those feelings, but I also still love my wife. My wife says she has changed her mind about not having sex and has apologized for not having sex with me more in our relationship. My wife does not know I have been talking to my first love.
I have come to realize there are reasons that maybe that first woman I fell in love with should not have been my wife. She is a good godly woman as well but we do have some differences in opinions that are not deal breakers but are not completely comfortable. My wife is about 8 years older than me and I knew when we married she could not have any more children. My wife and I have a lot of points of view in common and we have been through a lot and that has bonded us very well.
The woman I first fell in love with is my age and has never had any children. I want children but I am at an age now that most people do not have children. I have always known I still had feelings for the first woman I fell in love with. But I also realize that love of course has not grown while my love for my wife has grown because we have been through so much together. I do still love my wife but I am afraid our relationship will go back to being a sexless marriage. The fact is that despite my wife's promises we have not been intimate in a very long time, at least 3 years, not that I haven't asked her.
The woman I first fell in love with does not want to have a sexual relationship with me because I am married. She does want to be friends. She lives alone and feels like she missed out on life because she never had kids and doesn't have a husband. She does have a good job and thinks maybe she sacrificed too much for that job. Incidentlay I do not have a good job but I am planning on moving out of state to be with my wife and find a job there.
Recently while visiting my first love, I put my arm around her waist and told her I still loved her. She will not allow me to kiss her because I am married. I also gave her a back rub. I also asked her to have sex with me. She feels badly about letting me hold her. She admitted to feeling something and feels bad because she let her self feel something and did not push me away when I held her. She does not want to commit adultery. She blames herself for not pushing me away. I told her I was sorry for what I asked her and that she did not do anything wrong.
She still wants to be friends. She enjoys talking with me and I enjoy her company as well.
I have told her that I love her but still love my wife more. We have had a lot of discussions about our relationship so there are no illusions there.
I am now torn. I seem to love two women at once. I will either go back to my wife and have to forget about my first love or I will divorce my wife because she hasn't had sex with me in the previous 2 and a half years before our separation in hopes of having what I missed out on so many years ago.
I know what is "right" but I am having a lot of problems just forgetting my feelings for the woman I first fell in love with.
Any advice?
I'm glad that you are clear on what is right.
You have shown Godly character in staying with your wife through some difficult periods of your marriage and she has been wrong in her actions.
Go back to your wife.
See her good qualities.
Go to marriage counseling and perhaps sex therapy.
It is likely that you can build a good marriage together once again.
These feelings that you have now will likly simmer down and die once you resume your relationship with your wife.
Feelings of respect and honor for yourself can be renewed by doing the right thing, finding contentment in God's will. God bless.
Confused,
I agree with Johndoo, except on one point:
: johndoo Fri Jul 13, 2012 - 05:57:46
These feelings that you have now will likely simmer down and die once you resume your relationship with your wife.
While this may end up being the case, I'm afraid such an assurance can also end up causing more anxiety, if it happens that these feelings don't just "simmer down and die." Instead, I would hasten to point out that
since you really do love your wife, you will not be able to resolve this feeling of conflict by leaving her to go with the other woman. In fact, if you do this you will feel
even more conflict, since you'll be doing something you know is wrong.
I sympathize with you, because I know that I would feel just as conflicted if I were in a situation like yours. May God bless you, and give you the strength to get through this.
Get a good Christian counselor for both of you. Your wife has no right to withold sex from you and you have no right to leave her for another woman.
Ben
Your honesty is good and I feel for you because of this conflict. I also think you should go back to your wife. Life is short and I think some day you will regret not hanging in there. I think counseling would be good if you can find a good one. Personally I have tried many counselors both Christian and non and a good one is really hard to find in my opinion.