I met this girl online a couple of months ago, we hit it off and started chatting, and now we have been on a couple of dates We went on our third date yesterday and ended up holding hands, it ended with a kiss goodnight too. So I really like this girl but before this goes any further I need to let her know about my past which is I have been divorced for over a year and have a 2 year old son. I love my son dearly and see him whenever I can, and my ex is behind me now - we only communicate soley for the well being of our son.
I know I have to tell her - which I aim on doing when i meet up with her next; I was just wondering if this should have been done alot sooner - it's just I wanted to see how things went with us and there was'nt a good time but when is?? Now I fear I could lose a beautiful girl over my past and maybe I should have brought this up for day one (which would have been impossible).
Hi Topman
Why would it have been impossible for her to know from day one?
My husband and I met on line, but we both knew that the other was divorced because it was on our profiles, and even if it hadnt been I would have told him immediatly.
I would think, since you havent said anything, that she assumes that you have never been married, so she may well be rather surprised. However, if she ends it because of that, then she isnt the one for you anyway. You just have to tell her asap. Its not fair on her or you.
Thanks for your response Chosen one - I guess the main thing is 'fear and regret' now that I did not share this earlier, now all I can think of is the sooner the better i tell her, having my son is something not to be ashamed or fearful of but to be proud which I am. I just did not know how she would accept me if I had brought it up so early. I have always been worried about how people would judge me if they knew about my past. I do not want to start any Godly relationship on lies. I have not told her from day one because to be honest though I liked her I did not believe she would like me or we would go this far (so I thought I would not have to worry about telling her), well God called my bluff and the relationship seems to be moving to another level (so now questions or our past will come up) and this is a very important part of my past.
When I tell her - only two things can happen 1. She walks away and I pray to God to give me strenght for another day 2. She understands and that will be the start of the begining of the rest of my life.
I can just pray and hope
: topman Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 09:38:16
I met this girl online a couple of months ago, we hit it off and started chatting, and now we have been on a couple of dates We went on our third date yesterday and ended up holding hands, it ended with a kiss goodnight too. So I really like this girl but before this goes any further I need to let her know about my past which is I have been divorced for over a year and have a 2 year old son. I love my son dearly and see him whenever I can, and my ex is behind me now - we only communicate soley for the well being of our son.
I know I have to tell her - which I aim on doing when i meet up with her next; I was just wondering if this should have been done alot sooner - it's just I wanted to see how things went with us and there was'nt a good time but when is?? Now I fear I could lose a beautiful girl over my past and maybe I should have brought this up for day one (which would have been impossible).
You should tell BEFORE the 1st date. Also, if I was divorced I'd seek divorced women, not never married women its just more fair that way
You can't go back, and truly does it really matter you need to
Find the right person, the sooner you tell her the better.
: topman Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 10:41:30
Thanks for your response Chosen one - I guess the main thing is 'fear and regret' now that I did not share this earlier, now all I can think of is the sooner the better i tell her, having my son is something not to be ashamed or fearful of but to be proud which I am. I just did not know how she would accept me if I had brought it up so early. I have always been worried about how people would judge me if they knew about my past. I do not want to start any Godly relationship on lies. I have not told her from day one because to be honest though I liked her I did not believe she would like me or we would go this far (so I thought I would not have to worry about telling her), well God called my bluff and the relationship seems to be moving to another level (so now questions or our past will come up) and this is a very important part of my past.
When I tell her - only two things can happen 1. She walks away and I pray to God to give me strenght for another day 2. She understands and that will be the start of the begining of the rest of my life.
I can just pray and hope
Yes. If anyone judges you then what does that say about them? Divorce is not the unforgiveable sin. ::smile:: Never be ashamed of your son. Are you both Christians?
I know when Derek Prince felt God telling him that a particular divorced lady was to be his wife, he questioned her as to the reasons for the divorce. It may be that this lady will do the same. I would always want to know the reasons for the marriage ending. Be honest and open and leave it in Gods hands. ::smile::
Find your voice - thank you, i can't go back I can only go forward. The lesson I have learnt from this regardless of whatever happens i to be open from day one. Yes we are both Christians - i need to add as though not an excuse my brief marriage was prior to me becoming a Christian. I just want to do things the right way now, i'm not perfect (obviously) but I defintely am not where I used to be. Yes - if she accepts me for me and my son, I would in time have to explain reasons for my divorce though now its only God that has healed me from that pain. I pray for my ex that she experiences the relationship with Christ that I have now.
Yes - I agree Chosen one - all i want is to be an honest man - if i could take it back; i would and I woud have brought it up in day one - I see that now - but I can't. Anyway hopefully I will see her next week and tell her over a cup of coffee.
Tell her NOW. Call her right NOW. ::nodding:: Long overdue. She needs to know.
: stevehut Thu Oct 18, 2012 - 16:32:22
Tell her NOW. Call her right NOW. ::nodding:: Long overdue. She needs to know.
Yes I Agree. No time like the present, and it will give her time alone to think about it.
Would it not be better to tell her in person??? I guess you might have a point, maybe that's why I have little to no peace today. Probably best I tell her now before we meet again than have it ackward when we meet.
Alright - going to tell her tonight - woke up this morning and God told me everything will be alright. If she's God's gift to me then all will be well. Will keep this thread posted
: topman Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 03:32:53
Alright - going to tell her tonight - woke up this morning and God told me everything will be alright. If she's God's gift to me then all will be well. Will keep this thread posted
Yes it will be alright. ::smile:: As you say, if she is the one, then she will accept it. If she isnt, then maybe God has another nice lady out there who is perfect for you. Just trust Him that he knows best.
I married a previously divorced man and he is the BEST husband EVER. ::nodding::
: topman Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 03:32:53
Alright - going to tell her tonight -
Good call. How did it go?
[/quote]woke up this morning and God told me everything will be alright. If she's God's gift to me then all will be well. Will keep this thread posted [/quote]
I agree. God is good.
: chosenone Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 03:54:14
: topman Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 03:32:53
Alright - going to tell her tonight - woke up this morning and God told me everything will be alright. If she's God's gift to me then all will be well. Will keep this thread posted
Yes it will be alright. ::smile:: As you say, if she is the one, then she will accept it. If she isnt, then maybe God has another nice lady out there who is perfect for you. Just trust Him that he knows best.
I married a previously divorced man and he is the BEST husband EVER. ::nodding::
I think because when you are knocked down and God gives you another chance - you're going to make that woman that gave you that chance again the happiest lady ever
Dave - will keep you updated we texted back an forth today; but will chat to her on the phone after work. Its funny how we texted back and forth last night. I wanted to tell her but time did not permit as she askd if we talk tonight instead. My birthday's coming up and she has already suggested w do something nice together. So in all when I do tell her from my heart she would like me for me and accept all of me and my past.
Get this out in the open BEFORE any birthday plans are made. SERIOUSLY.
: topman Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 08:43:36
: chosenone Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 03:54:14
: topman Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 03:32:53
Alright - going to tell her tonight - woke up this morning and God told me everything will be alright. If she's God's gift to me then all will be well. Will keep this thread posted
Yes it will be alright. ::smile:: As you say, if she is the one, then she will accept it. If she isnt, then maybe God has another nice lady out there who is perfect for you. Just trust Him that he knows best.
I married a previously divorced man and he is the BEST husband EVER. ::nodding::
I think because when you are knocked down and God gives you another chance - you're going to make that woman that gave you that chance again the happiest lady ever
Yes, and he gave me another chance as well. ::smile::
God is the God of new beginnings and second chances. ::nodding::
: topman Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 08:47:24
Dave - will keep you updated we texted back an forth today; but will chat to her on the phone after work. Its funny how we texted back and forth last night. I wanted to tell her but time did not permit as she askd if we talk tonight instead. My birthday's coming up and she has already suggested w do something nice together. So in all when I do tell her from my heart she would like me for me and accept all of me and my past.
Yes do tell her today. We are all products of our past arent we, and all of us have regrets and things that we wish had never happened.
One thing she may need to speak about is the fact that you will need some sort of contact with your ex for a very long time, and of course that you will be paying for that childs support as well. She may need time to think it through but you will give her that I am sure.
IF this doesnt work out for one reason or another, it would be sensible to put that you are divorced on your profile on the dating site in future.
Chosen one you are correct - yeah there is still contact with the ex but soley for little one. And I'm paying child support with no issues. Yeah will definitely be taking your advice for the future (even add I have a little one) might as well put it all out there - and if i'm judged the person should not be with me anyway. I'm after a relationship with a mature Christian that truly understands forgiveness as God has forgiven them.
: topman Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 13:33:33
Chosen one you are correct - yeah there is still contact with the ex but soley for little one. And I'm paying child support with no issues. Yeah will definitely be taking your advice for the future (even add I have a little one) might as well put it all out there - and if i'm judged the person should not be with me anyway. I'm after a relationship with a mature Christian that truly understands forgiveness as God has forgiven them.
Yes wise words topman. Its ok to make mistakes as long as we learn from them ::smile::
IN my case, we were both in our late 40's and had had long first marriages, so I was only intrested in a divorced man. I had no interest in a man in his 40's or 50's who had never been married, nor in a widower, becuase they do tend to idolise the dead wife and the new wife can never compete with a dead person!
God Bless
Okay - told her, and she wants to take time to think about it. It's in God's hands now, all I can say is I feel better now regardless of what happens , going to sleep now.
I have to admit i'm feeling pretty down right now.
: topman Fri Oct 19, 2012 - 15:45:28
Okay - told her, and she wants to take time to think about it. It's in God's hands now, all I can say is I feel better now regardless of what happens , going to sleep now.
I have to admit i'm feeling pretty down right now.
Well she didnt reject you outright so thats hopeful. It's a lot for her to take in, as she probably thought you had never been married nor had children, but give it time. At least you have done the right thing and told her before you got any more involved. ::smile::
Thanks Chosen - Yeah i do feel better that i have told her as now; Its all out in the open and I do not feel like I should hide from my past anymore, in the bigger picture God has probably revealed to me this week that your past is part of the ingredients that make up your life for the good and is a part of you.
If she rejected me outright won't that have been better than her saying she wants to think about it and leaving you wondering?? If she decides to go with this which is a big 'if' as you said it will be a fairytale but all one can do is hope. If she doesn't I will respect her for it too as it is alot to take on and I do not want to waste her time. So either one of the three can happen 1. I do not hear from her again (rejected) 2. She sends me a text rejecting me with a reason 3. She sends me a text that we can work it out - I'm obviously praying for '3'.
By the way it Saturday morning and I told her Friday evening - nothing from her (yet?)..
Okay - email from her today, she has strong feelings for me, her only worries are her wondering if she can cope with me still being linked to my ex, and her line of work if she relocates.
I've sent her a reply that - I do not expect her to be a part of my communcation with my ex and that we are civil. Also that I respect her line of work and as it is a possibility we can always talk about and pray for that when or if that time comes. Also pouring out my heart on how I feel about her and want to still see her.
Is she likely to have to move then? She may be worried that you wouldnt want to move because of your son.
I dont think that she is worried that SHE will have to be a part of that contact with your ex, but more the fact that YOU will need to be in contact with her for so many years. That's not always easy for a new partner. I was thankful that my husbands children were young adults when she divorced him, so that his ex had no hold over him, and no reason to contact him. A lot depends on the ex and how reasonable she is.
Thanks Chosen one - I plan on protecting her from that, my ex and I are civil. We broke up mainly for the good of our son as we were better individuals separately. We only stayed together both unhappy but wondering what others would think if we broke up. This new girl in my life works in the humanitarian sector so her work could be global. I work in the oil and gas industry and its the same with me (these were one of things we had in common). I am not outright saying I would rellocate I'm just saying I could and was already considering it as an option in my future before she came along anyway.
My only regret is that my ex is and I did not break up sooner, but I still need to be thankful if not my son would not be in the picture or I would not have met this girl now either.
The most important thing is to be quite near your son so that you can see him regularly. He must miss seeing you every day. ::smile::
Well - end of Sunday and end of one ride of a weekend. We're chatting again and she just sent me pictures of cup cakes she baked this evening (she's really good at that). If God is giving me a second chance - I'm taking it and putting Christ first in everything I do.
Chosen - I maybe I still believe in fairy tales ; ::clappingoverhead::
my ex and I are civil. We broke up mainly for the good of our son as we were better individuals separately.
Topman, what you wrote there gives me a big red flag. If there was no marital infidelity or abandonment, you should not be pursuing another relationship.
Dave - thanks for your reply - actually there was, the reason for the break up was because my wife had multiple affairs throughout our relationship (I did not bring that up because I am over that and that was not my topic of conversation). I just hung on with the relationship and marriage as long as I could. She was also physically abusive to me. The thing is no one is perfect. I could have been a better husband (my wrong was not being there for her and also being emotionally involved in a work collegue), though I did not physically cheat I did emotionally. Her reaction to my actions was as I stated above. Even as she continued to do this - i pleaded with her to stop; Jesus told the adultery woman to go and sin no more, my wife went but continued to sin. She even pushed for the divorce (her excuse was if we are separated then I had no hold over her to sleep with whom ever she choose to). This is something I have given to God and is behind me now and I am at peace with.
So yes Dave - the marriage ended for the only possible reasons I could end it and alot of prayer and advice - and on right grounds. I ended it to be a better person for myself, to have a better relationship with God (she once said to me if she heard me talk about God to her one more time she would hit me), and to be a better father. I have not looked back since and I do not intend to. But I do admire your honestly Dave so its best to let you know the whole situation before any conclusion or judgement on the matter.
topman, It sounds as if you did what you could to save the marriage, but where they is unrepentant adultery then you are justified to end that marriage especially if she physically abused you as well.
I am glad that the other lady is still in contact, that is a good sign, but the best thing is that you are now following God. ::smile::
Topman - thanks for the explanation. So it would seem both infidelity and abandonment were at work.
I know many do not make way for any kind of remarriage as long as a former spouse is alive but I do not take that view at all. As long as the divorce was on biblical grounds, remarriage is possible and if reconciliation is not possible, to be encouraged.
: DaveW Mon Oct 22, 2012 - 07:33:00
Topman - thanks for the explanation. So it would seem both infidelity and abandonment were at work.
I know many do not make way for any kind of remarriage as long as a former spouse is alive but I do not take that view at all. As long as the divorce was on biblical grounds, remarriage is possible and if reconciliation is not possible, to be encouraged.
Thanks Dave - just to add that also - it is said that 'Until death do you part'; however if you also look in Genesis when Adam and Eve ate of the apple God told them they will die. Though they did not die physically they died spirtually. And it was through Christ we were 'born again'. I beleive that similar applies when a marriage dies on these ground. Till Death do you part' will not always mean physical death but spirtual death too.
Do i intend on remarrying one day - yes I do and it will be done the right way and with Christ at the centre
Well said Topman.
I know the struggle with this subject. My mom went thru it when I was a kid, and more recently my youngest daughter married a divorced guy, so we did some checking on what broke up his first marriage. While deployed in Afganistan, his wife went for another woman. ::eek::
At first I encouraged him to try a reconciliation but she would have no part of it. She was tired of living the "lie" of being straight. So he and our youngest daughter have been married now 4 years and seem to be doing quite well. ::smile::
: DaveW Mon Oct 22, 2012 - 09:08:52
Well said Topman.
I know the struggle with this subject. My mom went thru it when I was a kid, and more recently my youngest daughter married a divorced guy, so we did some checking on what broke up his first marriage. While deployed in Afganistan, his wife went for another woman. ::eek::
At first I encouraged him to try a reconciliation but she would have no part of it. She was tired of living the "lie" of being straight. So he and our youngest daughter have been married now 4 years and seem to be doing quite well. ::smile::
Thanks for sharing Dave - I did try every possible avenue of reconciliation however it is was not possible. To add to the pain - my ex contracted an STD that you cannot go back from (I had to get myself checked as soon as she told me). So all avenues have been checked. These are all very private issues but I just want you to understand how much effort, pain and thought I have put into this before I decided to close the door. I am truly a better man and father and my pain is now my testimony. My mother and sister see my son even more often than they did when I was married.
I do know I will have alot of challenges on the way and alot of proof of my worth for this girl (especially her parents). I myself believes she deserves more - a man with no history, never married, no kids, tall, dashing. But I know I am a good man (and have the Holy Spirit in my heart) whom continues to work through me. I did all these things through my strength (which I did in my first marriage) but now it will be through the Holy Spirit within me who will give me wisdom to do the right thing.
Why do you say she deseves more? My husband and I have the marriage of our dreams, and we are both previously divorced (for Biblical reasons).After 7 years of marriage, after God bought us together, we just go from strength to strength. ::smile::
If you are the right man for her it will happen, and if you arent then it wont.
: chosenone Mon Oct 22, 2012 - 10:05:50
Why do you say she deseves more? My husband and I have the marriage of our dreams, and we are both previously divorced (for Biblical reasons).After 7 years of marriage, after God bought us together, we just go from strength to strength. ::smile::
If you are the right man for her it will happen, and if you arent then it wont.
Good question - I actually went back to think about it - and you know what I think I get it now, I want to give her that special relationship you are taking about. That's what she deserves and can only be acheived by putting God first and understanding her needs. Well, all seems well now - we're chatting and having laughs again, so I can only be thankful.
: topman Tue Oct 23, 2012 - 04:17:36
: chosenone Mon Oct 22, 2012 - 10:05:50
Why do you say she deseves more? My husband and I have the marriage of our dreams, and we are both previously divorced (for Biblical reasons).After 7 years of marriage, after God bought us together, we just go from strength to strength. ::smile::
If you are the right man for her it will happen, and if you arent then it wont.
Good question - I actually went back to think about it - and you know what I think I get it now, I want to give her that special relationship you are taking about. That's what she deserves and can only be acheived by putting God first and understanding her needs. Well, all seems well now - we're chatting and having laughs again, so I can only be thankful.
Brilliant topman ::smile::
No need for fear and apprehension. Just bring it up casually. Ask her if she's ever been married, then tell her that you were when she reciprocates the question.
Jarrod
Okay a further update:
Okay so last Saturday night went well and we talked more. Last night we talked some more and she is still worried about our future and my link to my ex (through my son) and not sure how she'll cope. She doesnt want to lose me and sees me more than a friend. I told her I didnt want to lose her friendship either and for us to take things slow and build our friendship more from there as we get to know each other a little more and let God just lead us.
She seemed to respond to that and we are going out again on Saturday to watch fireworks with my friends. We got a little physical last Saturday (i.e. holding hands and a couple of small kisses) - maybe I should not have done that? She says she is comfotable with me and we have connections on so many levels. I'm just confused that maybe the thing I need to do is let her go even if I care so much for her. I am prepared to take things slow and in time she will see that there is little to be concerned about. I'm just a little confused.
Really topman, it is her decision. If she feels that she will struggle to cope with the ex and the contact about your son and all that will entail, then she needs to pray about that and decide if that means she will withdraw. You can't make that decision for her. Obviously it will get harder the longer you go out if she does end it, but thats the risk you have to take I suppose.