Hi, I'm new to this site, but when I found it was hoping for some advice/direction.
This issue is that my wife keeps sharing our personal issues with others. By others, I mean her friends, some relatives, her boss (former), our pastor (kinda understand that one), and her fellow volunteer workers at church, even facebook friends.
I do understand her need to vent or share, b ut feel that some things should be kept at home. One of the reasons I married her is because i saw her as someone I could talk to about anything and feel confident it would stay between us. Now I feel somewhat betrayed.
I don't want to stop sharing with her (and NO do not want a divorce), but also don't want our personal lives to be continually out there for others.
She says that women are just "wired" to share feelings, and that I'm to closed off.
Hope this makes sense and look forward to any replies.
Uh. She is being more wrong than a football bat.
Explain to her that sharing the intimate details of your life for the whole world to pass judgement on is the same as you publishing your sex life as a porno tape for public viewing. She is putting your most private feelings & emotions out there with strangers for a spectacle.
There really is no difference (to you at least) in destroying your trust or intimacy with her.
If she accepts and values your intimacy with her then fine. She is supposed to be looking out for you and treating you as holy. (As well as vice versa) There must be boundaries or else she has inapropriate boundaries and you are going to have to "cut her off" emotionally.
There really isn't much else to do. I got another thread here "being a practiced hand" that addresses some of this. You might want to give it a read through.
Hi and welcome here
Hmmm I can understand why you feel hurt, and I do agree that we shouldnt tell others personal things about our spouses and marriages. In your wifes case, she seems to be telling so many people, so its not even one very trusted friend or the pastor.
The trouble is that when we vent about our spouses or marriages to others, it will have an affect on the person hearing, and can damage the way that they see the other spouse. This happened in the case of my husband in his first marriage. His ex told quite a few people their problems, always giving her side only of course, often twisting things and leaving bits out, and this meant that she got more and more on her 'side' as it were, and he had more and more people thinking badly of him for no reason at all, and it was SOO wrong. He never talked to others about their problems, not feeling it was right. Thats what a counsellor is for in my opinion, for you to go to together if it is needed. If she needs to vent why cant she go to God??? Her explanation that all women do it is an excuse, and is nonsense, she does have self control and she can choose to stop.
Also, another issue is that The Bible clearly says that we can build up or tear down with our words, and any negative words spoken about our spouses and/or marriages, will only serve to tear down. So in my opinion she does need to watch carefully what she says, who she says it to, and also to repect your views on this. How you can get her to do this I am not sure. Does she know how this hurts you? Have you sat her down and told her clearly?
Great post, Chosenone! Unfortunately I did the same thing in my first marriage. I was so naive and young, and learned years after the divorce about how my husband felt about what I did. I had no idea what I was doing was wrong.
People who report high levels of marital satisfaction also report that their spouse is their best friend. I wonder if your wife does the same with her friends (can she keep their confidence)? If she can keep their confidence, then why not keep yours?
Also, by being indiscriminate about who and how many people she talks to, it is not really "venting" but is more like gossip.
When King David sinned, the prophet went to him and told him a story and asked David to judge the man in the wrong. Then the prophet brought the story home by saying the King was the man in the story. David became repentant. I wonder if you are able to come up with a similar approach to help your wife understand what she is doing.
The other thing I have to ask is whether you create a safe environment for her to talk and confide in you. My first husband did not create that for me, and shut me down often by justifying his own behaviours, disallowing emotional expression, twisting it to blame me, etc, and that is why I quit talking with him and started turning towards my mom. It is important when she talks to you, to create a safe, caring and receptive (no matter how much it hurts) environment for her to open up.
Well, it depends what the 'issues' are! Have you done or been something, which has left her feeling powerless, and s thought she has no where else to turn? I think we need more information!
I don't think it matters what the issues are. If he has done something that left her feeling she had nowhere else to turn (or more to the point had to turn somewhere else) then talking to the pastor was certainly an option for her, especially since she has done just that. I can easily see an immature spouse doing this without even thinking about it but she has been asked not to.
I'm not getting the same feeling that some of you are of negative talking. I got the feeling she is just sharing everything he shares with her and making an environment that is unsafe to share in. As John says, that destroys intimacy big time.
Would that not be considered "gossip," even if it is about yourself or your spouse?
: Makewecasa Sun Nov 18, 2012 - 13:50:25
I don't think it matters what the issues are. If he has done something that left her feeling she had nowhere else to turn (or more to the point had to turn somewhere else) then talking to the pastor was certainly an option for her, especially since she has done just that. I can easily see an immature spouse doing this without even thinking about it but she has been asked not to.
I'm not getting the same feeling that some of you are of negative talking. I got the feeling she is just sharing everything he shares with her and making an environment that is unsafe to share in. As John says, that destroys intimacy big time.
I didnt get that their marriage was an unsafe place to share in?
: chosenone Mon Nov 19, 2012 - 12:52:25
: Makewecasa Sun Nov 18, 2012 - 13:50:25
I don't think it matters what the issues are. If he has done something that left her feeling she had nowhere else to turn (or more to the point had to turn somewhere else) then talking to the pastor was certainly an option for her, especially since she has done just that. I can easily see an immature spouse doing this without even thinking about it but she has been asked not to.
I'm not getting the same feeling that some of you are of negative talking. I got the feeling she is just sharing everything he shares with her and making an environment that is unsafe to share in. As John says, that destroys intimacy big time.
I didnt get that their marriage was an unsafe place to share in?
How on earth do you NOT GET THAT?
That
IS his primary complaint.
She is claiming him to be insensitive...but in the meantime she is hurting his feelings by sharing their intimate life details with the whole world.
He doesn't want to share anything more with her until she learns to shut up. If he wanted all his friends and world to know his most intimate thoughts he woulda posted them on facebook.
there are boundaries that we all pretty much go by...a wife never tells the friends of the family whether her husband or son is circumsized or not. There is no need for them to know...EVER.
Same situation as this...
Maybe chosenone is thinking about safety in terms of physical safety. But I meant it the way John is taking it.