My wife to be has just asked me to promise never to leave her. I said that I can promise that if, I felt wanted and that she desired me. I think she is upset because she says I have now made the relationship conditional...
Am I being unrealistic. I am happy to hear other point of views.
Thanks and God bless.
Sounds like stuff coming straight out of some kind of "Oprah-wanna-be" magazine or romance book.
You gave her a truthful, realistic answer and she rejected it for her "ideal" answer that came from someone else.
I would ask her where this "idea" came from. Then suggest she use better discretion in reading materials.
Its never a good idea to make such promises because we just dont know what the future holds. Someone can make a promise like that and years later their spouse may have an affair or become abusive and that changes things somewhat.
OK guys.
The woman is his "wife-to-be," and she wants him to say he won't leave her.
That is hardly unreasonable.
If you get married in a Christian ceremony, that fact means you promise to not leave her. Christian weddings are not "contingent."
So what's the difference?
Marriages are about reciprocal, interactive, dynamic, and fluid relationship. The covenant is conditional on each keeping their vows. If he promises to never leave her, then she "lets herself go" (as in faithfulness to her vows, breeding contempt, treating him disrespectfully or nurturing negative thinking about him, etc), he cannot possibly fulfill his promise for a lifetime. Eventually, her behaviour would damage the marriage so badly that his heart would harden to her and he might leave.
Imo, I would not answer the question with a promise, but would answer the question with a question of my own. I would want to know more about her fear of abandonment and explore what that was about for her.
Marriage commitment is about security and significance, which comes from the other person being consistent and caring over time. Her security won't happen just because he says "I'll never leave you." Rather, her security will happen as she works through her fear of abandonment, and as he demonstrates his caring and consistency in her life over time.
No. Marriage is "about" commitment to another person. If you're going to hedge your bet, it isn't marriage.
In a Christian marriage you are both making your promises to God as well as each other. So whether you leave or not is not dependent on how she ends up treating you, apart from (1) infidelity or (2) abandonment, in which case New Testament scripture gives the injured spouse permission to declare the marriage at an end. Other than that, it is a permanent covenant, for "better or for worse."
Hey,
Some interesting opinions here. Scripture says that we are bound for life to one another. God wants married people to stay together.
It's not because we are forced to stay together, but because we love Christ that we stay together. Because He lives in us, we can stay together to His glory. Without Christ, the chance of failure is great. But with Him, and us keeping our eyes on Him, we are now able to make our marriages work for as long as we live.
Blessings in your marriage, wahsbg.
If my wife would ask me the same question, my most likely answer would be: "Yes, I want to by the grace of God."
Francois
: HRoberson Mon Jan 21, 2013 - 13:42:19
The woman is his "wife-to-be,"
His fiancee? Where did you get that?
: Kaehu Tue Jan 22, 2013 - 13:48:02
So whether you leave or not is not dependent on how she ends up treating you, apart from (1) infidelity or (2) abandonment, in which case New Testament scripture gives the injured spouse permission to declare the marriage at an end.
Her complaint was that his answer made the relationship "conditional." Those 2 cases also make the relationship conditional.
Sounded to me like she wanted assurance he would be there for her even if she had multiple affairs and had attempted to kill him.
Thanks all for your wonderful contributions and posts. This has made me think about my intentions of getting married to my fiancee. I now agree that it should be unconditional. Thank you also for the blessing.
God bless.
Graham
: Francois du Toit Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 05:39:34
Hey,
Some interesting opinions here. Scripture says that we are bound for life to one another. God wants married people to stay together.
It's not because we are forced to stay together, but because we love Christ that we stay together. Because He lives in us, we can stay together to His glory. Without Christ, the chance of failure is great. But with Him, and us keeping our eyes on Him, we are now able to make our marriages work for as long as we live.
Blessings in your marriage, wahsbg.
If my wife would ask me the same question, my most likely answer would be: "Yes, I want to by the grace of God."
Francois
WE are bound as long as we are married. Divorce ends a marriage and even God recognises that. Divorce is allowed for certain reasons, Jesus says, and after that divorce the marriage is over. If you stay married, and just seperate, yes you are still bound to that person.
In marriage we are dependant on the other spouse. So no matter how much we want to stay married, if our spouse decides to end that marriage, we cant stop them. We are not held responsible for the divorce in that case, but they are. This happened to my husband. His previous wife met another man and divorced him. He wanted to stay true to His vows and carry on working at things but she didnt. Her choice, and she is alone 8 years later.
: wahsbg Mon Jan 21, 2013 - 11:39:50
My wife to be has just asked me to promise never to leave her. I said that I can promise that if, I felt wanted and that she desired me. I think she is upset because she says I have now made the relationship conditional...
Am I being unrealistic. I am happy to hear other point of views.
Thanks and God bless.
Marriage is until death, with only one exception, (even then, you do not have to use that exception, unless you are force to do so) and that is fornication. That does include a few sexual sins, but even then, it is allow because of the hardness of our hearts only~ but, from creation, until the fall, there were no exceptions, NONE. So, her request is not unreasonable, and should be expected from both sides.
RB
: Red Baker Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 08:29:09
: wahsbg Mon Jan 21, 2013 - 11:39:50
My wife to be has just asked me to promise never to leave her. I said that I can promise that if, I felt wanted and that she desired me. I think she is upset because she says I have now made the relationship conditional...
Am I being unrealistic. I am happy to hear other point of views.
Thanks and God bless.
Marriage is until death, with only one exception, (even then, you do not have to use that exception, unless you are force to do so) and that is fornication. That does include a few sexual sins, but even then, it is allow because of the hardness of our hearts only~ but, from creation, until the fall, there were no exceptions, NONE. So, her request is not unreasonable, and should be expected from both sides.
RB
There are exceptions and they are pornea(sexual sin) and abandonment. Pornea is not just fornication, nor just adultery, the word is used in the Bible to describe different types of sexual sin.
If your spouse divorces you then of course you have no choice anyway. Jesus gave 'pornea' as a reason for divorce, remembering that in fact adulterers were usually stoned to death anyway, so no need to get divorced. No one whose spouses either cheats of leaves them has to stay married, and no where does God say they do.They have already broken the covenant by those actions.
I know a lady who found out that her husband had sexually abused their children. I know another whose husband used to regularly watch porn with their small children playing around him. There are many such good and much needed reasons to end a marriage.
I would never make my husband promise never to leave me. If I committ serious sexual sins with another man, he has ever right to, and I wouldnt blame him.
: Red Baker Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 08:29:09
So, her request is not unreasonable, and should be expected from both sides.
Including him to be faithful to her even if she is trying to murder him?
(which does NOT fall under sexual sin and perhaps not even abandonment)
: DaveW Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 10:08:49
: Red Baker Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 08:29:09
So, her request is not unreasonable, and should be expected from both sides.
Including him to be faithful to her even if she is trying to murder him?
(which does NOT fall under sexual sin and perhaps not even abandonment)
Yes and surely if a man beats up his wife and children, or the wife threatens her husband with a knife or gun, that is breaking the covenant and promises made as well. A promise like that is a foolish thing to agree to. No one knows what will happen in that marriage in their future.
: chosenone Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 09:58:26
: Red Baker Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 08:29:09
: wahsbg Mon Jan 21, 2013 - 11:39:50
My wife to be has just asked me to promise never to leave her. I said that I can promise that if, I felt wanted and that she desired me. I think she is upset because she says I have now made the relationship conditional...
Am I being unrealistic. I am happy to hear other point of views.
Thanks and God bless.
Prove to me that abandonment is a biblical cause to divorce and remarriage~and the other reasons that you believe~be careful, and bring scriptures with you, I care less about opinions, and God care less than me.
RB
Marriage is until death, with only one exception, (even then, you do not have to use that exception, unless you are force to do so) and that is fornication. That does include a few sexual sins, but even then, it is allow because of the hardness of our hearts only~ but, from creation, until the fall, there were no exceptions, NONE. So, her request is not unreasonable, and should be expected from both sides.
RB
There are exceptions and they are pornea(sexual sin) and abandonment. Pornea is not just fornication, nor just adultery, the word is used in the Bible to describe different types of sexual sin.
If your spouse divorces you then of course you have no choice anyway. Jesus gave 'pornea' as a reason for divorce, remembering that in fact adulterers were usually stoned to death anyway, so no need to get divorced. No one whose spouses either cheats of leaves them has to stay married, and no where does God say they do.They have already broken the covenant by those actions.
I know a lady who found out that her husband had sexually abused their children. I know another whose husband used to regularly watch porn with their small children playing around him. There are many such good and much needed reasons to end a marriage.
I would never make my husband promise never to leave me. If I committ serious sexual sins with another man, he has ever right to, and I wouldnt blame him.
: DaveW Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 06:33:43
: HRoberson Mon Jan 21, 2013 - 13:42:19
The woman is his "wife-to-be,"
His fiancee? Where did you get that?
First four words of the OP
: HRoberson Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 13:08:31
: DaveW: HRobersonThe woman is his "wife-to-be,"
His fiancee? Where did you get that?
First four words of the OP
Ah! I guess my eyes skipped the "to be" entirely.
Thanks!
(I think I am going to have to schedule an appointment with the eye dr.)
really! leaving should never be an option in the marriage. That should always be no, im not leaving you. a woman needs to know she is yours forever no matter what. CHrist loves his church regaurdless of how she acts or behaves. you should never put a condition of if. If you are the head, and you are to act according to Gods word, then you are to love her as Chist loved us. the church is full of flaws, The problem with Adam was he didnt lead eve, he blamed her. Dont be that guy, love her and be the stregth for her. A woman is a delicate thing, she is made to be comforted and nurtured. you can comfort her by saying things like what if. You make it clear to her you love her and you are not going anywhere. Leaving things open like that are like saying that divorce is an option, its not. You marry, no divorce option. If you are a christian than there is no divorce option.
: Angelamyers Wed Feb 13, 2013 - 03:29:13
really! leaving should never be an option in the marriage. That should always be no, im not leaving you. a woman needs to know she is yours forever no matter what. CHrist loves his church regaurdless of how she acts or behaves. you should never put a condition of if. If you are the head, and you are to act according to Gods word, then you are to love her as Chist loved us. the church is full of flaws, The problem with Adam was he didnt lead eve, he blamed her. Dont be that guy, love her and be the stregth for her. A woman is a delicate thing, she is made to be comforted and nurtured. you can comfort her by saying things like what if. You make it clear to her you love her and you are not going anywhere. Leaving things open like that are like saying that divorce is an option, its not. You marry, no divorce option. If you are a christian than there is no divorce option.
Firstly they arent married, and secondly, God allows divorce for pornea(sexual immorality) and abandonment.
A marriage should be based on Unconditional love, So many people marry and do not have unconditional love and that often times, end up a disasters including a divorce.
Yike. I keep hearing all these posts that suggest if you promise to never leave her, you can't escape if she starts beating you with a skillet every time you go to sleep. Somebody's crazy, or has been watching too many lawyer shows. Sounds like people trying to negotiate a pre-nup after the fact. Folks, we all make promises based on our intentions, not on our power to guarantee the future. I promised my son I would go to his ball game. My car broke down and I did not make it. The world did not end. When your wife says, "Tell me you'll never leave me," it's not the opening of a contract negotiation, it's a simple request for reassurance of your love. If you can't give that unreservedly, she's not the neurotic one...
Men promise to love, honor and cherish their wife, when they get married. Often times, then leave their wife because of some other woman they are seeking to capture. That is called abandonment and he maybe even committing Adultry if he is having sex, with the other woman.
: chosenone Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 11:19:52
: DaveW Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 10:08:49
: Red Baker Thu Jan 24, 2013 - 08:29:09
So, her request is not unreasonable, and should be expected from both sides.
Including him to be faithful to her even if she is trying to murder him?
(which does NOT fall under sexual sin and perhaps not even abandonment)
Yes and surely if a man beats up his wife and children, or the wife threatens her husband with a knife or gun, that is breaking the covenant and promises made as well. A promise like that is a foolish thing to agree to. No one knows what will happen in that marriage in their future.
The two of you have been spot on with your responses.
I do not agree with the premature promises fiancee is trying to get from him.