I don't really know where to begin. I am a man who has worked towards being a preacher for 10+ years and now I have finally attained it. But now my marriage is falling apart. I have worked many jobs during my journey and hated them all because it wasn't what I wanted to do. As a result I have been a lazy, grumpy person with a temper at home. I have always lashed out at the people closest to me and after a hard, stressful day at work, I would sit in my chair and turn the tv on and grab my laptop. Not to mention that my wife knows how to push my buttons. Well, now I am a much better person, husband, and father, but it may be too late. My wife was able to transfer her job to where we moved but here it is much more stressful for her. So now she is acting like I had been acting all of those years that I worked secular jobs. Moody, and just wants to keep to herself. My wife though has always been a little on the immature side. She is one of those people that don't take responsibility for their actions. She is the type of person that could spit in somebodys face and then act like they are a jerk because they got mad at her. I also have a hunch that she is over emphasizing her stress and acting like that in retaliation to me for all of the years I was a jerk. So anyways, I had and anger outburst because something broke and that was it for her. She said that she wanted a divorce but wouldn't because she didn't want to hurt our kids. I had already apologized for the past and she forgave me, but was using that as her basis. I apologized again and took the blame for everything that I have done to wrong her and our family. So long story short, we decided to let bygones be bygones and start over. Things were great for about a day. Then her grouchiness started again. I have changed a lot for the better. But the damage that I have done over the years combined with her immature attitude has made this very hard. I am trying to be patient but it seems like she doesn't want to try. If we get divorced, my life is over. The wives almost always get the kids, and child support. I would most likely lose my job. My life would be destroyed. I know that I'm rambling. But, I have taken her for granted all of these years and now I care and value our marriage but it just doesn't seem to matter. And then my job, I'm a pastor. I feel like I'm living a fake life and that kills me and makes my life even more difficult. I told her that I was going to quit because I don't want to be fake, but she said not to. I have told her to quit her job so the stress will go away, but she won't because we need the money. I know that this is going to take time, perhaps years to fix. But it just kills me inside to see what I have done. I wasn't meaning to badmouth her with my comments above either. But those are the facts of how she is. She also refuses to even try to make Christian friends. She only has worldly friends that I believe have led her astray and are also most likely a big part of her being this way. But it still doesn't take away my past actions. I think that I just needed to get this all off of my chest. I would love any advice that you can give.
Man...you need to let go of yourself (change and all); abandon all you are to Jesus...let Him have your life completely. His love never fails...but you have to put your complete trust in Him. Give up all you are...all you have been...all you could be; and trust God alone for everything. His love working through you...His living water flowing through you. His love, just as Christ loved the church...we are to love our wife.
Empty yourself...of self, making yourself useful to God...self always gets in the way of what God can and will do through you.
Trust me...I know where you are; I was right there...when my wife of 23 years left me...never to return.
Let His love shine now...read 1Cor. 13...and live it with Him...now!
If you haven't read it, read "His Needs, Her Needs". Ask your wife to read it.
Go to a Christian marriage counselor in person or perhaps online.
You know what the marriage counselor said to me? "Everyone has marriage problems"
I know it is a statement to normalize things, but it is true.
Just because you're a pastor doesn't mean that you won't have problems. You may have more problems. You are a target for attacks.
You can grow as a person and as a Christian through this struggle.
This doesn't make you a failure. It means that you are human. If you need to tell your closest elders that you are in marriage counseling to help support you and ease your mind, than do if you think they are the kind of guys that could take this type of honesty. Or you could find a fellow pastor in the community to talk to for support and encouragement.
You can be a model for others through this challenge.
Regarding stress due to her job, perhaps with time she could work fewer hours. You can pull more weight at home in the short term to help ease the burden with children and housework.
Some of what is happening is just the stress of change and hopefully everyone will continue to adjust.
God bless.
I completely agree with johndoo, very good advise.
From a female perspective who has been in your wife's shoes. Patience and keep working on being that better person. My husband the first 7yrs of our marriage was a mean man. What he would call our fights was really him yelling at me like a child, belittling me as person and mother. He always thought his job was more important than mine, yes he did work more hours than me but it didn't mean my job was any less exhausting. When he would come home it was either instant "fight" or he would just ignore me (no hug, no kiss, no hi honey, completely not acknowledging I was there). Obviously not every single day was like this but it was definitely more than a few times a week.
When he started becoming nicer, realizing he had anger management issues, I was still very raw. I didn't know how to process this kinder, nicer man who wanted to talk about feelings and actually do things with me. I honestly thought he would just turn right back around and revert, hurting me all over again. It took months for me to even start to come out of my shell and even that was expedited because I became pregnant with our second child and the attention and patience he exercised while I was in the throws of horrible morning sickness (that he did not use during my first pregnancy) really let me open up to him again.
A couple weeks ago the pastor at my church said something during his sermon that might help. A long time back another pastor had suggested to him to go to graveyard and read all the headstones. What people say about the dearly departed. Then with a pen and paper write down the things you would like your wife to say about you at your funeral. The things you would like your children to say. Your friends and then your congregation. Then take that list, save it, keep it in your dresser, read it once a week and be that man. Just keep being that man and be patient with your wife. I hope this helps a little (and wasn't to morbid there at the end).
I would highly suggest counseling to talk through all of this. There was a set of marriage sermons at the church I group up in about 6 months ago, and the associate pastor preached one saying his wife and him did counseling together. I also spent about 2 years in counseling with my wife, and things are tremendously better.
I would also like to say that you were immature in the years that you acted how you did. Your writting sounds like you've been hurt and are still mad. What came to my mind was that you sowed those seeds. She learned it from you. Now that its broken, you need to lead with love and sow the seeds the in the other direction. I've been there, and its tremendously difficult to show sacrificial love when your marriage is broken and all attempts fail in the short run.
The only answer to your situation is consistent, long-term, sacrifical love. It is the model Jesus set. Your right it will be exhausting and fruitless in the short term.
All you can do if fight the good fight and walk the Godly path. Her choices are beyond your control. It may take her years to snap out of this (it took you years to snap out of this).
I also want to not say you are being fake. You live in the real word with the same real problems as your church. I would be highly surprised if several people in your church aren't having similar issues or you will very soon see people come in with similar issues.
She also refuses to even try to make Christian friends. She only has worldly friends that I believe have led her astray and are also most likely a big part of her being this way.
I don't agree with this. You taught her how to act like this. Being close to God and seeking a relationship with Him and church friends is really hard when your marriage is broken. Talking about God when you feel your christian marriage is only bring you pain isn't something she probably wants to do right now.
Find a good, experienced, licensed marriage and family counselor who is also christian. You may not even talk about God in your meetings. Right now you need to learn couple skills and talk through the hurt. Consider yourself lucky that you have kids that she is willing to say for. You have a very small window to get things fixed. She is on the verge of checking out, and you have very little room to mess up.
You also probably want to find books on the matter. There are so many good christian marriage counseling book by authors like Gary Chapman, Gary Smalley, Gary Thomas (Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy). Please find books that talk to you now. I would also suggest "I Don't Want a Divorce: A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage".
Blessings
Hey brother,
I'm feeling with you. But, I also just prayed for you as well.
Do what Thankfulldad suggested - give it to Jesus. Through His wounds, we are healed, even our marriages.
What I do when facing a difficult situation is to meditate (contemplate, deep thinking) on the promises God gives regarding this situation. I would suggest that you maybe start with 1 John 4 about love and fear. Remember, He loved us first so that we become completely new. We failed to love others, because of the fall into sin. But now, through our Lord Jesus, we are new, now we let His love flow through us to others.
You cannot control your wife, but you can love her like never before, like she'll experience from no-one else (her parents, friends, brothers and sisters, and even your children).
Keep your eyes on Jesus and as He is, so are we, in this world. As He loves your wife, so can you.
And leave her reaction to Him.
Blessings,
Francois
I've got my work cut out for me. It seems like she will be affectionate one day and cold the next with no rhyme or reason for it. Last night she was cold. She kept drudging up thing from the past that she had already said that she forgave. Obviously she hasn't. She also said that she would not divorce me because it would hurt the kids. We would just live together as friends. Then she went on to say how unhappy I would be in a situation like that with no affection or sex and no companionship. That's when I figured it out. She has NEVER been a Christian. She says that she isn't now. She grew up in a preachers home and being a Christian was kinda expected. Then she married me where it was also. So she kept getting baptized hoping to feel something, and locked the truth deep down inside. She has never had that true conversion moment. She does not have the ability to take responsibility for her own actions. She is the person that pokes a dog with a stick until it bites her and is shocked that it bit her. That's why she was saying all of that stuff about living together as friends so that "she" won't hurt the kids. She wants it to be me who leaves and thus it would be me that hurts the kids. Almost all of the stuff that she says I hurt her with was stuff that I did out of reaction to something that she did to me. She takes no responsibility for any of her actions. It does not justify anything I did( I take full responsibility for it and have apologized to her), but still, it makes it very difficult to resolve things when one person won't take responsibility for their own actions. So I do need to give it to God and just take everything in stride, show her that I'm not the same guy that would react in a horrible way. Show her the love of Christ. I pray with her every night before bed. She won't pray herself but is open to me praying with her. I know that I just ramble on here, but my gut are all twisted up and it feels a little better to type out my thoughts. And I really appreciate all of your advice.
I am not sure how long she would actually stay in a marriage that she is describing, with no love, no affection and no sex. What sort of marriage is that anyway??? I know two couples who tried to do that, IE live as seperated, but in the same house, and believe me, it didnt work. It would be a horrible, unhappy, tense situation for you and your children. My husbands parents lived like that for most of his childhood, under the same roof, but in seperate bedrooms, and not really wanting to be together, until they divorced when he was about 20. It deeply affected him and gives a skewed picture of what a good and godly marriage is supposed to be. She too blamed her husband for all their problems and didnt take responsibility for her actions.
Make sure that you arent the one to leave the house, that would be a mistake.
: Jdoog9I don't really know where to begin. I am a man who has worked towards being a preacher for 10+ years and now I have finally attained it. But now my marriage is falling apart.
I have worked many jobs during my journey and hated them all because it wasn't what I wanted to do. As a result I have been a lazy, grumpy person with a temper at home. I have always lashed out at the people closest to me and after a hard, stressful day at work, I would sit in my chair and turn the tv on and grab my laptop. Not to mention that my wife knows how to push my buttons.
Well, now I am a much better person, husband, and father, but it may be too late. My wife was able to transfer her job to where we moved but here it is much more stressful for her. So now she is acting like I had been acting all of those years that I worked secular jobs. Moody, and just wants to keep to herself.
My wife though has always been a little on the immature side. She is one of those people that don't take responsibility for their actions. She is the type of person that could spit in somebodys face and then act like they are a jerk because they got mad at her. I also have a hunch that she is over emphasizing her stress and acting like that in retaliation to me for all of the years I was a jerk.
So anyways, I had and anger outburst because something broke and that was it for her. She said that she wanted a divorce but wouldn't because she didn't want to hurt our kids. I had already apologized for the past and she forgave me, but was using that as her basis. I apologized again and took the blame for everything that I have done to wrong her and our family.
So long story short, we decided to let bygones be bygones and start over. Things were great for about a day. Then her grouchiness started again. I have changed a lot for the better. But the damage that I have done over the years combined with her immature attitude has made this very hard. I am trying to be patient but it seems like she doesn't want to try. If we get divorced, my life is over. The wives almost always get the kids, and child support. I would most likely lose my job. My life would be destroyed.
I know that I'm rambling. But, I have taken her for granted all of these years and now I care and value our marriage but it just doesn't seem to matter. And then my job, I'm a pastor. I feel like I'm living a fake life and that kills me and makes my life even more difficult. I told her that I was going to quit because I don't want to be fake, but she said not to. I have told her to quit her job so the stress will go away, but she won't because we need the money.
I know that this is going to take time, perhaps years to fix. But it just kills me inside to see what I have done. I wasn't meaning to badmouth her with my comments above either. But those are the facts of how she is. She also refuses to even try to make Christian friends. She only has worldly friends that I believe have led her astray and are also most likely a big part of her being this way.
But it still doesn't take away my past actions. I think that I just needed to get this all off of my chest. I would love any advice that you can give.
I divided this up to make it easier to read. (There really IS a reason they taught us PARAGRAPHS in school........ and if you preach anything like you write............... Well, WOW! I really might think about another job. ::smile::) But, even being able to read it, all I can think to say is to go buy the movie DVD,
FIREPROOF, and watch it several times.
The movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=kU1wvJXrTfc
Almost all of the stuff that she says I hurt her with was stuff that I did out of reaction to something that she did to me. She takes no responsibility for any of her actions. It does not justify anything I did( I take full responsibility for it and have apologized to her), but still, it makes it very difficult to resolve things when one person won't take responsibility for their own actions.
Your entire post was about all the things your wife has done or is doing wrong. It doesn't read like you take responsibility for your own actions. Saying that you take responsibility now and apologized doesn't change how you acted, which you said wasn't good. It took you years to improve your behavior. It will take years for her to improve hers and forgive you for what you did. It will only happen with sacrificial love. She is not now the bad guy because she can't forgive what happened in the past right now(hopefully it will happen in time).
Said another way, YOU BROKE THIS. Its your responsibility to fix. You both entered marriage flawed people. Everyone is flawed. You woke up to that and want to fix it now, but that wasn't the case for years. Your wife entered marriage with her own flaws, but they are not what destroyed this marriage. Don't blame everything now on her. If you want to fix this, don't focus on what she is currently doing. Its all garbage as a response to the breakdown of love. There is one path to fix this and it doesn't involve at all focusing on the garbage she is spewing.
You can only change and affect your actions now. Focus on that. Leave the rest to her and God.
Get into counseling if possible, read books, and anything else you can do to learn and fix this.
She doesn't love you and doesn't want to be married to you. Her words and actions will continue to reflect that and be erratic until that changes.
Jdoog,
You've gotten some good suggestions here. I'd just like to add a few things:
: Jdoog9 Tue Jan 22, 2013 - 22:16:08
I have worked many jobs during my journey and hated them all because it wasn't what I wanted to do.
I think you realize now that this was your first mistake--that every one of those jobs was a step towards your goal, and every one of them was part of God's plan to prepare you for the work He has for you to do. (That's OK, though, because often we don't realize what it is that God was teaching us until much later.)
: Jdoog9 Tue Jan 22, 2013 - 22:16:08
So anyways, I had an anger outburst because something broke and that was it for her. She said that she wanted a divorce but wouldn't because she didn't want to hurt our kids.
Please remember that she's very fragile right now. An outburst like this is easily taken as "proof" that you really haven't changed at all, hence her response.
: Jdoog9 Tue Jan 22, 2013 - 22:16:08
I had already apologized for the past and she forgave me, but was using that as her basis. I apologized again and took the blame for everything that I have done to wrong her and our family ... I have taken her for granted all of these years and now I care and value our marriage but it just doesn't seem to matter.
As you can see, reconciliation requires a lot more than saying "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you." The relationship of trust that a marriage is built on takes time to rebuild. This isn't just a matter of her being stubborn, but something fundamental to human relationships. Like an infected wound after the infection is gone--the healing has begun, but it still has to proceed at its own pace. There's no way to speed up the process, but impatience can lead to the wound becoming re-infected.
: Jdoog9 Tue Jan 22, 2013 - 22:16:08
And then my job, I'm a pastor. I feel like I'm living a fake life and that kills me and makes my life even more difficult. I told her that I was going to quit because I don't want to be fake, but she said not to.
Thank God she said not to quit! You are where you are because God wants you there, and quitting is not the answer. Rather, you are now in a perfect position to realize the importance of leaning on God for strength and constantly turning to Him for forgiveness.