Hello everyone. I'm new here, so I hope this isn't too long.
I've been married for almost 17 years. We have two children, ages 14 and 11. After about 7 years of marriage, I left my husband because of the verbal and emotional abuse I had been suffering for so long. We went through Christian counseling, and because of the counselor discounting everything I brought to the sessions, it left a very bad taste in my mouth. My husband also ran those sessions. However, we ended up back in church and working things out and got back together. Things were wonderful the first couple of years into our "new" marriage (meaning, we were a Christ-centered home once again).
Things have gotten progressively worse to the point that I feel that I can't do it anymore. He yells at me and the kids constantly, complains about everything constantly (I can't do anything right...do laundry right, clean house right, cook right, etc.). He lost his job last summer and has not worked since. He's been trying to get his own lawn business off the ground for the past several months to no avail. I bring in less money than we need to pay the bills and he has even suggested that I get a part-time job to make ends meet. I'm physically exhausted when I get home from work and the idea of working a second job while he sits at home drives me crazy. I was out of work (full-time work) for almost two years. During that time, I went back to school to complete my college degree. Because of available scholarships and grants, my education didn't cost us anything. He made a great deal more money than I did, so my being out of work was of no hardship to our family. I did obtain my degree and am back at work full-time (for almost two years now) and he has said that he's going to stay home and goof off for a while like I did.
The kids have both made comments to me to leave him, which breaks my heart. They hear him yell at me and get on to me in front of them. He has no qualms about being ugly to me in front of them. In fact, it's almost as if he loves the audience. For the first time in my life, I have blood pressure issues, and my son (the oldest) is having trouble at school (not behavioral, but academically). It's affecting us all.
He has pulled me out in the yard to yell at me about trivial things, even bowing up his chest as if to intimidate me. He makes comments to my children about how they "should be embarrassed they have a mother like me." He expects me to work all day and still keep a spotless house and cook a big dinner every night, which I actually don't mind cooking, but the house is a filthy mess when I get home. My kids do their best to help with that, but they have homework and sports and it's not their responsibility. I will clean the house up at night and my husband makes the messes during the day, then yells at me when I get home because it's messy again.
I'm tired of being screamed at. I can do nothing right when it comes to him. Forget about sex, I can't bring myself to do that either because I'm just mentally and physically drained from being constantly yelled at, talked down to, called names, etc.
I volunteer a lot at our church and am there a lot with my kids doing extra activities. My husband gets angry when church activities (or even school activities) interfere with the chores he wants them to do or soccer (which he coaches). He puts on this facade of a Christian on Sunday mornings and they love him at church. He won't volunteer or go to any men's groups. And with our friends, they think he is awesome. He can be charming, but we get in the car to go home, and he tells me what I should have said, what I shouldn't have said, how embarrassing anything I did was, etc. Some of our friends have overheard him say things to me and have come to me, but what do I say?
I want to go to our pastor and talk to him, but how do I do that and my husband not find out? There's a private Christian counseling group close by (and I'm willing to try it again on my own first) but a session costs 1/4 of my weekly take-home. There's no way I can do that.
I just am asking for your prayers for God to lead me into what He wants me to do.
You definitely need to get help. Its not only you that is suffering but the children as well.
A man who doesn't even work, and expects his wife to not only work full time, be a mother, and do nearly all the house work and THEN says that you should get another part time job as well, is quite honestly mad. His emotional abuse sounds awful.
IF you trust the pastor go and see him. He has to keep what you say confidential but I think that your husband needs to know how desperate you are so if he does find out then that may be a good thing.
IF your children even think you need to leave, them maybe you need to take notice. Children rarely say such things unless it is very bad. You don't what them growing up thinking that this is normal, and how horrible it must be for them to see him treating you so terribly. Quite honestly he is lazy and very abusive, and its hard to see what keeps you there.
SM,
First of all, I agree with ChosenOne completely:
: chosenone Thu Feb 21, 2013 - 17:35:10
You definitely need to get help ... IF you trust the pastor go and see him. He has to keep what you say confidential but I think that your husband needs to know how desperate you are so if he does find out then that may be a good thing.
It seems that your husband has some serious control issues. What I find amazing is that, despite his taking control of your counseling sessions, you managed to "work things out" and have a couple of "wonderful" years together--truly a "God thing!"
However, those wonderful years didn't last. You mention his losing his job as a precipitating factor, but seem to indicate things were starting to go bad even before then. Can you single out any problems at that time that may have influenced this? (Remember that controlling people are motivated primarily by fear, even if they show no signs of weakness.)
May God indeed lead you into what He wants you to do. ::prayinghard::