I've been separated for four years. I pay her $2000/month in family support. We have a court date to move toward finalization coming up in late March or early April. My ex does not have a real job and she is still on my medical insurance. She was recently diagnosed with an "inoperable" brain tumor. If we stay married she can remain on my insurance and receive treatment. She moved 3 1/2 hours away from me, with our minor daughter, 3 years ago.
My Mom thinks I should postpone the divorce so that she can stay on my insurance and receive treatment. Although my ex is friendly toward me when she sees me she rarely communicates via text or phone. She ignores me pretty much all the time. For example, this week I asked her to tell me how much of her prognosis I am free to discuss with our daughter and she hasn't answered for 4 days. She knows that I think she should not live there, because it greatly reduces the time I get to spend with my daughter. She has loose ties. Basically no job but friends and her Dad lives there but she hardly sees him. If her condition worsens to the point that she can no longer drive I will have to make the 7 hour round trip drive twice on a weekend to bring my daughter home or stay down there for the weekend. The driving and hotel expenses are considerations but even worse is that it is not very fun just having my daughter visit me in the hotel. She is germaphobic and is particularly freaked out by hotels. She is 15.
She probably will not come right out and ask me to postpone the divorce. She is too stubborn and perhaps proud. My thought is to tell her that if she moves back I will postpone the divorce. She more than likely will not answer or will answer with a no. At which point I would proceed with the divorce.
What do you think? Does this make me a horrible person?
When it comes to moral dilemmas, there really are only two points to make. First, love is always right. Second, who and how do you love? What does love look like in this situation?
Are you in a hurry to get divorced (for example, are you in a new relationship and looking at marriage?) What does it look like to love your daughter in this situation? And although you do not necessarily love your ex in a romantic way, what does it look like now to love her as a sister in Christ?
Love might cost. It might cost time, finances, emotional stress, etc. But we do know that love is always right.
I think postponing the divorce is a gift you can give her. It sounds like she does not deserve it, but I think that is exactly why you should give it. Unless there is a reason to move on the divorce now like you are planning on a new marriage soon or something else, I would wait. If anything, view it as a gift to your daughter who will have an important person in her life.
As to making it dependant on her moving, I would pray hard for guidance on that. That might be something that comes from this without you having to force the issue. I would move carefully and slowly on anything having to do with moving.
I have a hard time thinking of the teachings of Jesus and not coming to the conclusion that a gift like this is the Christian answer. Especially since she probably doesn't deserve it. Perhaps undeserved love us the only cure for the hardness of your wife's heart. Jesus gave us love and sacrifice undeserved and taught sacrifice undeserved often.
: anx Fri Mar 08, 2013 - 18:45:08
I think postponing the divorce is a gift you can give her. It sounds like she does not deserve it, but I think that is exactly why you should give it. Unless there is a reason to move on the divorce now like you are planning on a new marriage soon or something else, I would wait. If anything, view it as a gift to your daughter who will have an important person in her life.
As to making it dependant on her moving, I would pray hard for guidance on that. That might be something that comes from this without you having to force the issue. I would move carefully and slowly on anything having to do with moving.
I have a hard time thinking of the teachings of Jesus and not coming to the conclusion that a gift like this is the Christian answer. Especially since she probably doesn't deserve it. Perhaps undeserved love us the only cure for the hardness of your wife's heart. Jesus gave us love and sacrifice undeserved and taught sacrifice undeserved often.
::thumbup::
Have her declared non-compus mentus and get your daughter. Explain things to your daughter about how her mother has slowly changed over the years because of the tumor.
How you are trying your best but it doesn't seem to be working.
: Carey Fri Mar 08, 2013 - 19:25:36
: anx Fri Mar 08, 2013 - 18:45:08
I think postponing the divorce is a gift you can give her. It sounds like she does not deserve it, but I think that is exactly why you should give it. Unless there is a reason to move on the divorce now like you are planning on a new marriage soon or something else, I would wait. If anything, view it as a gift to your daughter who will have an important person in her life.
As to making it dependant on her moving, I would pray hard for guidance on that. That might be something that comes from this without you having to force the issue. I would move carefully and slowly on anything having to do with moving.
I have a hard time thinking of the teachings of Jesus and not coming to the conclusion that a gift like this is the Christian answer. Especially since she probably doesn't deserve it. Perhaps undeserved love us the only cure for the hardness of your wife's heart. Jesus gave us love and sacrifice undeserved and taught sacrifice undeserved often.
::thumbup::
I agree! ::amen!:: Great advice, anx!!!
I may have made it sound like she was at fault for our breakup. That is not the case. I was mostly to blame by far. However, the facts on the ground are that this geographical separation is a huge burden on all of us, not the least of which is our daughter, who gets carsick from the drive.
Nevertheless my ex continues to resist communication. On Thursday I accidentally sent her a text intended for my Mom in which I speculated that my ex would be unable to care for our daughter at some point and when that day comes moving my daughter home, or continuing to see her, would be that much more difficult. My ex responded, for once, that she is perfectly capable, that her tumor is not life threatening and that she has a wonderful support group where she lives.
Before I knew anything about the tumor I had decided to reduce family support by $200/month, to what an attorney told me I should be paying. The amount I have been paying for 4 years was based on her no working. So the check for March was $200 less and I told her I knew she was free to contest this in court. After learning about the tumor I texted her that I would give her the $200 back. She never responded to that. No thank you or "that would help". No response to my texts saying I was sorry and that I would take her back and care for her if given the chance. So I didn't giver her the $200 and I am planning to go through with the divorce and court orders to get her to move back to where we used to live. Although it might be the moral high ground I just don't think I am willing to be the doormat indefinitely.
is the brain tumour benign or cancerous? Did they say it will carry on growing?
Since you are here. What is caused the deterioration of your marriage? Is there any hope of saving it down th the road? Are both you and your wife christian?
Not to sound crass, but there is not a moral dilemna here at all.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself.
This is your answer. It may not be the answer that you want to hear, but it usually never is. Being a Christian is hard. It almost seems sometimes to go against our better judgement. However, leaving her on your insurance is the right thing to do. Regardless of your feelings for her now, or what happened to cause the divorce, she is your wife AND the mother of your daughter. You should happily continue to be a doormat in this situation. To use a contrite Protestant saying - What Would Jesus Do? It's cheesy and overused, but if you answer it honestly, it is always the answer for your "moral dilemnas."
: chosenone Sun Mar 10, 2013 - 22:22:45
is the brain tumour benign or cancerous? Did they say it will carry on growing?
I actually know very little. What I think I know is just what I've heard from my mother. Apparently a biopsy is too dangerous because of the location of the tumor, right at her brain stem.
: IStillHaventFound... Mon Mar 11, 2013 - 14:04:43
: chosenone Sun Mar 10, 2013 - 22:22:45
is the brain tumour benign or cancerous? Did they say it will carry on growing?
I actually know very little. What I think I know is just what I've heard from my mother. Apparently a biopsy is too dangerous because of the location of the tumor, right at her brain stem.
OK If it is cancerous and they cant operate, it will probably grow and spread. If is it benign, it will grow but wont spread to other parts of the brian or body .Either way the prognosis isnt good. I suppose they will give her chemo or radiotherapy to see if they works.
It sounds like you are wanting to hold the divorce proceedings over her head, and use it to manipulatively get what you want from her (to move closer.) That's not good. If divorce is the path you would like to travel, then do it. If not, don't. But don't give her a "gift" (insurance coverage) that comes with mega strings attached. That is manipulative. It doesn't sound like it would work anyway. She sounds too strong to fall for that kind of manipulation.
: IStillHaventFound... Fri Mar 08, 2013 - 14:14:49
I've been separated for four years. I pay her $2000/month in family support. We have a court date to move toward finalization coming up in late March or early April. My ex does not have a real job and she is still on my medical insurance. She was recently diagnosed with an "inoperable" brain tumor. If we stay married she can remain on my insurance and receive treatment. She moved 3 1/2 hours away from me, with our minor daughter, 3 years ago.
My Mom thinks I should postpone the divorce so that she can stay on my insurance and receive treatment. Although my ex is friendly toward me when she sees me she rarely communicates via text or phone. She ignores me pretty much all the time. For example, this week I asked her to tell me how much of her prognosis I am free to discuss with our daughter and she hasn't answered for 4 days. She knows that I think she should not live there, because it greatly reduces the time I get to spend with my daughter. She has loose ties. Basically no job but friends and her Dad lives there but she hardly sees him. If her condition worsens to the point that she can no longer drive I will have to make the 7 hour round trip drive twice on a weekend to bring my daughter home or stay down there for the weekend. The driving and hotel expenses are considerations but even worse is that it is not very fun just having my daughter visit me in the hotel. She is germaphobic and is particularly freaked out by hotels. She is 15.
She probably will not come right out and ask me to postpone the divorce. She is too stubborn and perhaps proud. My thought is to tell her that if she moves back I will postpone the divorce. She more than likely will not answer or will answer with a no. At which point I would proceed with the divorce.
What do you think? Does this make me a horrible person?
I think that you need to ask her if she wants you to postpone the divorce or not. If she says yes, then do so, if she says no then go ahead with it.
My ex responded, for once, that she is perfectly capable, that her tumor is not life threatening and that she has a wonderful support group where she lives.
I think Chosenone makes a good point. If the tumour is not life threatening, then what harm can there be in asking your ex whether she would like to postpone the divorce. It sounds to me like she is not dependent on your insurance.
: IStillHaventFound... Sun Mar 10, 2013 - 18:54:27
I may have made it sound like she was at fault for our breakup. That is not the case. I was mostly to blame by far.
ISHF,
Your willingness to accept the blame in this is a good thing--are you aware that wonderful things can happen for you if will only turn to God and receive His forgiveness?
Right now, you seem to be conflicted because your Mom wants you to postpone the divorce, and while you can see her point, you're also aware of how much sacrifice this is going to involve, and you're not looking forward to the prospect. The problem is that you don't have enough love to give, because you need to receive that love from the Father in Christ. Sacrificial love isn't something we can just take on ourselves to do--without the strength that comes from divine grace, it's simply impossible.
You could choose to go forward with the divorce, and that will certainly be the easier path to follow. However, I suspect that you know it's not the right thing to do, and really wish you did have the strength to do the right thing. The answer is that you *can* have that strength, because our merciful Father will give you that strength if you will only accept His gift of salvation through His son, Jesus Christ.
Perhaps your wife's illness will turn out to be a blessing in disguise--for all of you.
May God bless you. We will be praying for you. ::prayinghard::
Who is divorcing who here? If it is her who is divorcing you, then leave it to her to finalise it. If it is you doing the divorcing then as I said ask HER if she would like you to delay things because of the medical insurance. Find out what is going to happen with her tumour ie is she having radio therapy or whatever.
What are the reasons for the divorce, are they Biblical? Is it for sexual immorality or abandonment?