Hi everyone,
Well, some of you already read about my "considering divorce", and I got great feedback. So, my husband and I are working on it. I have taking the suggestion from chosenone, TJW, and John DB. Thank you so much!! Okay, now I have another issue and this is with my Christian parents. Because at this point I had mention my husband is in recovery from prescription pain pills due to several surgeries within the 7 years. Because he was addicted my husband had made poor decisions with our finances. So, our electric was disconnected during the first week of September last month. We went 3 days without electric and the electric company wanted $8,000 in order to reconnect. Ok, I could go on and on about this. Well, my husband was desperate and went to talk to my parents in getting some kind of help. I know my parents are the kind of people that will not lend us money at all. it's been this ay all my life. From my brother's and I we would rather live homeless on the beach then asked my parents for help. I was home dealing with the electric company on the phone. My husband got it from my Parents and made my husband feel very small and came home with no help from my parents. He said to me your parents made me feel very small and he has apologized to them for making them feel that my husband was "forcing" them to help us. That was the word my Father used. Just to let you all know, my parents are millionaire's. My step-Father inherited that money from his parents. I do not focus on this money and my step-Father does not trust me due to my past in my teenage years were I was a brat and did things to him cause I turned out rebellious. I admit I was never good with handling my money, cause I was never taught about how to manage money with my parents. I have also apologized many times to my parents for hurting them and in my adult ife have tried so hard to please them. it never works, and they are always not happy with me. Even I am over weight and they keep pushing me about my weight.When I get sick it's all about what I eat that makes me sick. They judge everyone and they feel they are perfect and everyone else in this world is corrupted. Ok, now due to what my husband did, now they are not talking to us. They told my brother that if they have Thanksgiving this year t their house. My husband is not invited and also, they do not want to ever see him again. This is what I is what I have to deal with all my life with my Step-Father. He is very controlling and everything has to be his way. I have two grand babies living with me and my hubby is trying his best in recovering from his addictions. He is doing very well and soon will be going back to work next week. My parents are upset at me cause they want me to divorce my husband. To me I will sick to my husbands side all the way and if my parents don't want to see my husband anymore, then I will not show up at their house for Thanksgiving this year. I will make a Thanksgiving at my home with my own family. I love my parents very much, but they have been have been playing mind games to me all my life. They had hurt me so much when I was a teenager that I tried to commit suicide.My Step-Father told my Brother and I at age 7 for me that he will never love us and that he adopted us in order to marry my mother. it been an emotional abusive life with him and my Mother never backs my brother and I up. This is all about the inheritance money. I really don't care about it. To me the money is not there and really how will my brother really know we are going to get our portion when my step-Father dies. My Mother keeps telling me it's in the Will. My step-Father could change it anytime and give it away to his to real biological son. My brother keeps telling to do everything my Step-Father say's to do and to keep so him appreciation for everything. Like what did he do for me? except hurt me all my life. But I do forgive him and I keep trying to me nice and try to please him. Like i said , he still doesn't accept me. Nothing pleases this man. Please help me and what can you give me home feedback on this situation. My parents are not talking to me right now, cause they are angry at me for still being with my husband and for my husband asking for help. ::frustrated::
Hi Again
Sometimes when we have such awful controlling and manipulative parents, all we can do it to stay away from them. Concentrate on your husband and your own family(you obviously have your own children and grandchildren) and leave them to live their unhappy lives. Holding money and an inheritance over someone to get them to do what they want, is appalling behaviour. I think you need to carry on supporting your husband and stay away unless they are prepared to change, but I doubt that will happen. You can forgive but that doesnt mean that you have to have that contact. If anyone tried to persuade me that I had to divorce my husband, there would be no way that I would have anything to do with them, and they are angry that you are not doing what THEY want you to do.
Its sad to hear of Christians behaving like that.
One book that may help is called 'In Sheeps clothing- Understanding and dealing with manipulative people', by George K Simon.
I bought it because I had a very manipulative MIL, and found it very useful.
Chosenone gave you excellent advice -- and in much more diplomatic terms than I think I would have! If your parents are not talking to you now, count that as a blessing. Biblically, honoring our parents simply means not bringing dishonor to the family name/reputation. Staying married to your husband is showing your children and grandchildren that love is not a matter of emotion, but of commitment (for better or for worse). And standing behind/at the side of your husband right now will also help boost his confidence, and he badly needs that.
I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving at YOUR home with your children and grandchildren, knowing you will have tons to be thankful for.
Thank you so much Chosenone and Helen for your feedback. I am so tired of going through this in life with my parents. it is very sad and my Grandchildren are wondering why their Grandparents are acting this way. They also, don't want to be close to them, cause hey see how they treat me. but, I try to let them know that they are old and to just let them be. it is hard for me when I get together with them. I always get anxieties and I am in emotional wreck. Thank you for being here for me Chosenone, Helen, TJW and JohnDB. god Bless you all my Brother's and Sister's in this Christian Forum. God had lead me to this forum. ::amen!::
There is another book that may be useful called' Toxic in laws-Loving strategies for protecting your marriage'. Its by Susan Forward. I know they aren't your in laws, but they are his in laws, and the theory is the same.
I remember a man on the Joyce Meyer programme say that sometimes the only thing we can do is to separate ourselves from such parents. Also I remember Derek Prince tell a true story of a family where the parents of a wife were also causing terrible disruption between their daughter and her husband, and he felt God telling him to tell them to separate from her parents. In fact they had come to the conference together and went back as 2 separate couples.
If your mother and step father are making you anxious and drained and probably eventually ill, all the more reason to stay away. Talk to your husband about it and say that you both need to separate from them. He must be very discouraged and hurt having in laws who only want him gone.
He must come first before them.
If things are especially bad, even moving right away may be an option. God moved my husband to the other side of the world to separate from his controlling and manipulative mother who was causing problems between himself and his first wife. She also tried to get him to leave me as well when we went to visit her 7 years ago, and tried many times to cause trouble for my husbands brother and his wife. ::eek:: I thank God that I didn't have to see her again.
Hi, I just wanted to let you all know that with all your advices. I did follow and prayed hard about it all. Now, this situation seems to not be over with. It seems that after my parents did what they did and I have chosen to stick by my husbands side. My husband has began to be distanced from me. I mean he will kin of communicate and then he seems to go into another world. He doesn't pay attention to when we are talking. Then my son is still upset and feels the need to move away with his family from our home. He feels here is too much drama. He is also upset with my husband. It feels like there is a rippling effect after the main event happen with my Husband and my parents. I seem to be the only one trying to hold the family together, so that my Grand children don't see the resentments and anger going on. My son and daughter in law just had their second baby girl. she is going to be about 1 month next week. the older daughter is 3 years old and because my son is still very upset about what happen and his looking at the past history of family members hurting him as well. We have apologized to him for hurting him. He seemed to be ok with it, but now this recent event with my parents and husband took a toll on him. My son's family helps and contributes to all the household bills. They are very responsible and I told my son I would be happy to see them go on their own. Right now, they don't have the money to put down on a house and they don't want to rent, cause my son say, he would rather pay towards a house to own then throw money away on renting. So, he runs off to go do other things and he is leaving his wife and kids home by themselves. My 3 yrs old Grand Daughter is feeling left out cause she is not getting the attention from her Mother who is trying to deal with the newborn and my son leaving them all the time. I try to help out as much as I can as a Grand Mother and it is wearing me down at this point. Being my husband is like in a depression state of mind and not helping around like he use too do. I love hen all dearly and I have bi-ploar, but the meds I am taking has helped me out a lot. I wouldn't be where I am in my career as a teacher if it wasn't for the right meds and therapy. So, right now I have all this going on in my house. My marriage is not happening even when I have taking the advice you all told me to do and now my Son and his family. For my Daughter in law and I are the only ones trying to be strong for the little ones. Seems like we are not getting any where with the men in our lives right now. Any suggestions for this one? ::headscratch::
Are you saying that your son and his wife have been living with you in your home all this time? Where is your son going to while he is away?
I personally would never advise married kids to live with parents. God does say to leave your father and mother. All of my three children live away from home, none of them can afford to buy a house(they will need a miracle to do that here in the UK)so they all rent. However leaving his wife and children at this time when there is a new baby seems mad to me.
I think that you need to sit down with your husband and ask him what is happening with him.It may be that this all needs time, because a lot of things have been going on. Could you go out with him away from the house on a regular basis so that you and he can talk alone? Its very hard to talk together with children around the time.
As for the three year old. Children throughout time have had to deal with younger siblings, she will adapt.
Hi Choseone, yes my youngest son and his wife have been living home with us. About 6 yrs ago, his biological Father passed away and him and his older brother who lives outside away from our home with his wife and family watch their Father slowly die in the Hospital from the drug "Meth". Since then, the need for my youngest son was to him to stay home with me and take care of me. I don't know why he feels the need to take care of me. His the only one that has a real difficult time of going on his own. When I divorce his Father. We had split custody and he wanted to be with the Father rather then me. Then of course he noticed his Father not giving him the attention he needed and the Father turned to heavy drugs. My youngest son would come on weekends to be with me and his brother. I was a single parent at that time. Well, my youngest son love being with us and I then went for full custody for both boys. It took me 4 yrs to get my youngest son. In the mean while my youngest son was going through a lot of emotional hurt. I feel like he has some kind of separation anxieties and I have notice mood swings in him. He really feels the need to be with me, but yet he wants to leave cause of all the drama going on. He is really upset with my second husband. His the only one that does not get along with my husband. Like I told my son and Daughter in law, I would love to see them go on their own. It is anxieties that I feel is holding my son back from moving out. I try to tell him don't worry about me cause there is the Lord and my husband and we will be alright. Yes, I spoke a bit with the kids one today to my husband and his answer was he feels that we all are mad and upset at him still for what he did. We pray daily and he still feels the same way and I told him I forgave him and he needs to stopped being so angry at now all of us. He keeps saying to me. You all don't appreciate all the good things I did for all of you. On and on he goes and I told him I am sticking by his side to get through all of this. He was like silent and wouldn't speak to me. ::headscratch::
He does need to be making steps to move out. Its sad that he feels he has to look after you, especially as you have a husband, but could he be using that as an excuse to stay? Maybe they can find a place nearby? Where is he living now on his own?
Personally I wouldnt allow any of my kids to live with me once they married, unless it was for a very short period to save up, because its not good for them and its not what God wants. I believe rents are pretty cheap there, so he may not need to pay any more than he pays you now.
AS for your husband, just pray and give him time. He is probably still hurting.
Hi Chosenone, I am very hoping that my son and his family will move. At less his now thinking about it. It was because of this event with my husband that it happened. So, now my son and his wife are researching different options to buying a house. Hopefully, one day my son will realize how good, and supportive my husband was and still is to him. Yes, I will be patient and just stand by my husband. One day everything will come around for the both of us. I know that God answers prayers on his own time and there is a reason that my family and I are going through a challenging time right now. It's forcing us to change and I am getting closer to God and learning from all of this at the same time. Thank you Chosenone ::amen!::
God will always bring good out of hard situations, and I am sure this will be no exception. ::smile::
Hi Chosenone, Since all of this current situation has happen with my husband, it had affected the whole family. In order for us to move on. We had to makes changes. My son's family contributes their of the household bills. I have never ever asked them to pay anymore. Now, we had to change our living situation to cut back on the electric so we can bring the monthly bill down. what ever we can cut back on the money can go towards the electric bill. I had put a timer on the water heater so, that it would help towards bringing the monthly bill down. So, now my son has gotten upset, cause he comes home when the water is not hot and his very upset. He is now made at us for making the problem and his family has to suffer. I just told him the water heater timer is set from 5 pm to 9 pm and that is when everyone should take a bath etc. In the morning the water is still warm enough for you to wash your face etc and we all go to work during the day. He brings up past hurt events that happened to him and he has never forgiven anyone nor himself. I told him I understand what he is going through and we are all learning from our mistakes in life. My son went on and on about how he wants to take his family and move out. I told him we are not holding you and your family from moving out. You can move out anytime you want too. I said, maybe what is happening is allowing us to make positive decisions to help us grow and move on in life. I told him I would love to see my son
s family move on with their life. I am hoping he can understand and he feels very hurt and upset right now. More so, when he came home and there was no hot water and he had to go to a friends party without taking a bath. My son has a very hard time of dealing with any changes or any problems that arises with family issues. He say's he does not trust and respect anyone in the family anymore and he never will forget what all we did to him. We all went through a rough time in our lives and it was not easy. I know it was God that got my family and I through it all. My son does not see this at all in his mind and heart. I don't know what to do to make him happy. His been this way all of his teenage to adult life. I have prayed to God daily to help us all in our families.