My wife and I are separated and working toward reconciliation.
She decided to make contact with first husband for purpose of her teenage son meeting him.
I didn't think it was good timing.
This had been going on without my knowledge. I asked for this to be open discussion and my wife agreed that she would.
I found out about a possible trip so I asked her. She confirmed that she has booked interstate flights and multiple nights accommodation already and hadn't told me.
Is this reasonable?
Any advice on accountability and protecting a marriage in this scenario?
IT does seem odd that she is being secretive about it when you are trying to reconcile. Are you having marriage counselling? If not that may be advisable because this sort of thing can be discussed there. No its not reasonable, she must be open with you if this marriage is to work.
Its odd that she is doing this after all this time , when presumably the father hasnt bothered to see him this far, and why cant the Father travel to where you are? Much easier and cheaper for one to travel than 2.
Agreed chosenone
Already booked.
We just started counseling. One appointment coming up before departure.
Correct about father. No contact or financial support.
Next steps?
Is teenage son enough accountability?
: ForATime Tue Dec 30, 2014 - 01:37:06
Agreed chosenone
Already booked.
We just started counseling. One appointment coming up before departure.
Correct about father. No contact or financial support.
Next steps?
Is teenage son enough accountability?
Communication is the key. You need to tell her of your deep concerns and suggest that he comes to them. Has she said why she is doing this after all this time? I can understand if its the sons desire to see his dad, but if that is the case then Dad can come to them and the son is old enough to then see the dad on his own. She doesnt need to go and stay near him at all, and its weird that she wants to. A married lady going to stay with another man, and even keeping it secret, surely isnt a good idea, especially when you are working on reconciliation.
Was there any specific reason why you separated?
I have told her of my deep concerns.
(Are there more specific questions I could be asking?)
The trip is already booked. They are going to him.
Yes, he wanted to meet his father.
She says it is all about that.
I don't know why they needed 4 nights for a 3 hour return trip.
Well it looks as if she will go anyway, regardless, so you may have to let that go, but you can discuss it at counselling. I do feel for the boy whose dad hasnt been bothered with him at all up till now. I hope that he wont get hurt more:-(
How long have you been apart and who left who?
: ForATime Tue Dec 30, 2014 - 04:27:52
I have told her of my deep concerns.
(Are there more specific questions I could be asking?)
The trip is already booked. They are going to him.
Yes, he wanted to meet his father.
She says it is all about that.
I don't know why they needed 4 nights for a 3 hour return trip.
has he met his father before? If so, how long has it been since he last saw him?
how old is the teen boy?
Been apart about 9 months
She left me
His father left when he was an infant
Hasn't seen him in about 15 years
: ForATime Tue Dec 30, 2014 - 14:13:06
Been apart about 9 months
She left me
why did she leave?
: ForATime Tue Dec 30, 2014 - 14:14:18
His father left when he was an infant
Hasn't seen him in about 15 years
I can understand his desire to spend a few days getting to know his dad then. He is still pretty young to send him a far distance on his own to meet and get to know someone that is deeply important to him, but could potentially cause great harm to his self worth if he is rejected. I can understand her wanting to be there for her son in that case.
Could you offer to go with, get your own room and be there for moral support for both of them?
What are/were her reasons for leaving you, if you don't mind my asking.
Thanks for your insights.
Why we are separated is a separate topic
: ForATime Tue Dec 30, 2014 - 18:48:44
Thanks for your insights.
Why we are separated is a separate topic
I appreciate that...I just don't want to encourage you to reach out and offer to tag along if there are reasons that doing so would make things worse between you.
God bless!
I am not going on the trip
: ForATime Tue Dec 30, 2014 - 18:48:44
Thanks for your insights.
Why we are separated is a separate topic
I think that we thought the reason for the separation may well have a bearing on her behaviour, and enable us to give more helpful advise. That was all. So, for example, if one of you cheated or similar, its very different from if one of you simply wanted their own 'space' or got bored or fell out of love or whatever the excuse.
No cheating either way.
Two people with communication & anger issues
Is the one with anger issues getting help for it? Anger management or counseling?
Both are