Hi,
We are a Christian couple married 20+ years. We've had some ups and downs but lately we have had some terrible conflicts over parenting issues.
My wife seems to want to be a "friend" more than a parent. She seldom disciplines the children. Long story short, our 17 year old daughter constantly "loses track of time" and doesn't communicate where she is, who she is with, etc. She has been disciplined for this before. A couple of Fridays ago, she was with a friend whose dad she believed was dying. She simply would not communicate with me - claimed she lost her phone. This is nonsense. She sends about 76 texts per day - believe me, she really does know where her phone is.
She decided she would stay to comfort this friend, and basically stopped communicating at all. She was out past 2:00AM. I was obviously very upset about always being the "bad" parent and saying in black and white terms that our daughter's behavior was unacceptable and she must come home immediately. My wife was being very wishy washy about it, as she often is with conflicts.
We fought bitterly about this. I challenged her parenting, not understanding why she can't be more firm about this, basically around her not having a backbone. She called me a "loser" repeatedly, and when I asked why she was calling me that, she replied because I was drinking (which I was). I am not a loser: I am currently an unemployed professional but we have built a net worth of over $1.5 million, the lions share of which was my earnings. I am obviously pretty sensitive about my unemployment but am confident something will come up soon.
I was trying to discuss with her and we just escalated. I was enraged that she called me a loser. I tried to pry her phone away from her (it was about 3:00AM) and she acted like she was in pain. I should not have done this, it was stupid of me. I have never laid a hand on her before. I know I did not hurt her, but she acted like it. Believe me, I was very sobered up by this point.
She left the house and returned in the mid afternoon. I saw that she bought a book, titled something like "the end of your relationship". We have really not spoken much at all since.
I know that I am in the right with regard to our daughter's behavior. However, she is simply playing off the fact that her parents are not on the same page, getting exactly what she wants. I have been sort of checked out with regard to this child.
What I need help with is: how do I begin reconciling? My wife probably didn't mean to call me "loser" but it really hurt my feelings. I was in the wrong about trying to pry the phone from her. I would like to apologize but not sure how. I think she may be determined that we are not reconcilable (e.g., due to this book purchase).
I realize this is long and rambly, but I need some helpful, Godly wisdom here.
I would just be honest. I would state the issues you have, and what you would like to do with your daughter. She is still a minor, and it is just common courtesy to let people who love her know where she is and who she is with...however, 18 is an adult and you have no control at that point. Our care and concern does not go away, however, and if she is still in your home, just say (to both she and your wife) 'This is how I'd like to do things here. I care about daughter and would like to know she is safe. Please communicate to let us know that you are. Wife, please back me up on this."
As far as being called a loser. Say, "I don't like it that you called me that. It hurt me deeply. Please don't do that again." And then, forgive her and drop it. I hope she will be reasonable and apologize for the name, but even if she doesn't, you can only control YOU and how you respond.
You don't have the right to take her phone from her. That is her space. She was rude, but you don't need to return rude for rudeness and controlling behavior.
Also, perhaps work on listening better. Don't escalate, don't take the bait by her name calling. If she calls you names again, just say, "that may well be, though I don't think so. At any rate, me being a loser or not is not the issue. If you don't know WHY you don't like to work with me to hold daughter accountable, can you please be willing to think about what your reasons are and get back to me? I'd really like to work with you on this...I am uncomfortable with her being out so late and us having no earthly idea if she is safe or not! Letting go is hard, and I may be being unreasonable, but I am just learning how to have an almost adult daughter and this is all new to me...I want us to be on the same team...all of us."
About the apology. Just do it. Just tell wife that you are sorry you allowed your anger to get stirred up and that you "got in her space" and tried to bully her phone from her. Ask her to please forgive you.
Good luck and God bless.
Thank you for the feedback. I had a chance to discuss this and other "issues" with my daughter - there was a rare window of time that she was home and I could approach her. I think it went well. I was firm but not as intense as I can sometimes be.
She mentioned that she did not like my drinking. I will give that up, as I love her more than alcohol.
Hopefully I can find time to talk to my wife now. Please lift in prayer. I am very concerned that she has "given up".
: paulstevens Sat Feb 07, 2015 - 18:33:18
Thank you for the feedback. I had a chance to discuss this and other "issues" with my daughter - there was a rare window of time that she was home and I could approach her. I think it went well. I was firm but not as intense as I can sometimes be.
She mentioned that she did not like my drinking. I will give that up, as I love her more than alcohol.
Hopefully I can find time to talk to my wife now. Please lift in prayer. I am very concerned that she has "given up".
I think you giving up drinking sounds like a very good idea! If the women in your life feel like it changes you or it is getting in the way of your relationship with them...it needs to go. I know that can be a hard battle, but I know that God will honor your efforts to quit.
I think your wife might just feel like you don't listen to her views, as you said, you can be "intense"...and it is likely making her feel like she can't trust you.
Apologize and then SHOW her you've changed.Words right now are pretty, but meaningless. Change will speak the loudest. May God honor your efforts and grant you the desires of your heart.