Hi there fellow Christians. I would appreciate some feedback and any suggestions you may have.
When I was engaged, something happened which still upsets me today. I have wanted to be a one-man woman even before the time I became a Christian which is why I feel unhappy when I remember what happened. It could be worse, I understand that but that does not prevent me from feeling the way I do about it as an individual.
The Pastor I had at the time, whom I have since left behind by changing churches, gave us pre-marital counselling and said, during a session, that we should start to become affectionate, physically, at the point. He did not mention specifics. However, I have a relationship with God and I cannot blame him for what happened. I do find that there can be grey areas in Churches regarding how far it is ok to go in terms of physical affection before marriage, including with fiances as we know that even with the best of intentions, not everyone makes it down the aisle.
Anyway, what I am getting to and wanted to share is that on one occasion, the ex kept attempting to do something to me I did not want him to do. It was not full sex, neither does it involve the other obvious things or main parts of the anatomy which may come to mind. However, it was still too intimate. I was not expecting it and I kept preventing him from doing it, whilst he kept re-initiating it again and again, insisting on doing this. I just wanted to relax with him and have a normal, healthy relationship. I did not want to believe I had to all of a sudden defend myself. The grey areas were confusing regarding physical contact before marriage. I gave in and I hated it. I believed that it almost was my duty to enjoy this kind of thing but I couldn't. He and I had many problems and were not suited and we broke up in the end. I found out later that he watched porn. Maybe that is why he was so insistent and pushy about what he wanted to do to me without caring about my feelings.
This happened 3 or 4 years ago. Whilst I wish I could take a cloth or a wipe and wipe it all away, it seems to have made a mark on my psyche and my conscience and it disturbs me to the extent that I can still feel it if my mind goes back to that moment and it disgusts me. It is like this part of my body became his- someone who basically hated me at times and I just want to move on but even if clothing I am wearing touches that area or I rest upon this area, as I am doing now in order to type, I can also feel uncomfortable, like it is happening all over again. I am in tears now, even remembering.
I am now just over a year away from turning 40, still a virgin and still single, so I do not have a man around who I am currently involved with who may be affected by this or be able to be the opposite and shift something in my brain.
However, I am left with this emotional pain.
Have I been abused? How do I get this out of my mind please?
If I were you I would ask for people at your church to pray with you and minister to you about this. Jesus can heal you and the memories, as he has done with many who have had unwanted sexual experiences, some very long term and severe.
I am very surprised that the pastor said what he did, its not up to him as to when you begin physical affection.
I am glad that you didnt marry this man. The fact that he looked at porn is a massive red flag, and the fact that he didnt respect you when you asked him not to touch you says a lot about the sort of man he was.
I was not aware of the answer. Thank you.
Yes, that particular Pastor is not seen as very effective by the administration but he clings on.
The ex did this, also had severe issues controlling his eyes and mind around women in public, including one he stared at in front of me and would not stop, like he was in his own world and he could not hear or see me- I became invisible. He would not stop until she left on a bus. She knew and I could see she felt uncomfortable. She looked like she wanted to cry. This guy also lied so much as a control tactic.
I do not do self-care very well, but I am learning. I will consider mentioning this to my Pastor and asking for prayer.
Thanks again and may God bless you.
I will pray for you sister. Much love.