gone
No one understands.......
Pray. Remember how it felt to be the daughter in law.
Ask God to help you see things through her eyes.
Her kids disrespect her. She was probably embarrassed that they didn't listen, but didn't want to cause a scene in front of you, so she chose the path of least resistance. She is likely a very passive, gentle person...and her kids take advantage of that.
Her husband YELLS at her for not living up to what he needs. (I would talk to him, of all of them...he is your son and if my son was reacting like this to his wife, another mother's child, I would be heart broken)
and you and your husband found fault with her too.
This must be a very lonely and frightening place for her to live, so how can you best minister to her? Encourage her, praise her when she does something you agree with, build her up like crazy to her kids, to her husband your son.
If you MUST admonish anyone, admonish your son and your grands. But, do it quietly, do NOT put her down in the process.
Tell the kids, "You know? Your mother asked you to bless her by cleaning out the van for her...you didn't. I am wondering why?" Let them answer, then say "You are supposed to honor your mother and you chose to dishonor and embarrass her instead. I am very disappointed in the choice you made. I hope that you can start to be a help to her instead of take advantage of her. She does a LOT for you and loves you very much."
I watch a little guy that puts his momma through the ringer when she comes to get him. Yesterday, we were talking and he said, "I don't HAVE to do that for my momma!" and I said, "You know, you are right...you don't HAVE to, but I am asking you too, do you know why?" "why?" He asked, "Because IF you can bless someone, you should ALWAYS choose the blessing!"
Do NOT condemn her, or talk down to her, or try to straighten her out. She is, I am sure, very aware that things are out of control and doesn't know how to change them. Be her one safe place, encourage her, pray with and for her, brag on her whenever you can, and I bet God will start to honor that.
gone
: grams Tue Feb 09, 2016 - 08:04:20
As I have said I do love her and I really like her......
But she never ! follows up , when telling the children to do things.
This has been going on all the time. And the children , will only do as the Dad says.
I do not blame him for yelling at her......... She is like the children and not getting it!
She wants to be the good guy "person " !
And my son is the bad guy !
IF this happened once in a while , that would be different !
But this goes on all the time.
With 8 children they have to have a place on the wall to hang coats......
The coats are mostly on the floor . Like right now she is picking them up ,
instead of having them do it...........
And you are judging her, because its not how YOU would do it or how YOU think it should be done.
I am sorry that this is hard for you.
My advice stands.
YOur son yelling at her will not help. Maybe they need to have some good counseling so that they can learn to sort things out between them. I do agree that if you have so many children there does need to be some rules and some order, but yelling wont help.
gone
well looking after 8 children is an incredibly hard job, many would prefer to be away from that at an outside job for 8 hours a day!
Do you have you own annexe? If you do then leave her house to her and you look after your own place.
: grams Thu Feb 11, 2016 - 05:36:10
I guess I did not give you the full story of her ! I do still like and love
her.........but.........
She has been this way right from day one......
The kitchen is always in need of cleaning from the top to the bottom !
As the rest of the house........ The children play and leave toys all over
They never clean there feet when coming in , mud all over....
She may tell them one time....... !
But never , does follow up on any thing..........
Food sits out for days....
My son brings home cartons of fruit and vegetables and a lot of them
topped , because she does not fix them ! or what ever..........
This is always going on and my son does talk to her over and over
Then he comes home from work tired and wanting to rest after a hard
days work....... He cant because he see's all the mess dirt and what ever........
So would you not yell ???????
How is the yelling working? Has it changed anything? Does it motivate her to step up her game?
The yelling isn't working. It is likely making her feel worse and she can't find a way to get on top of it all.
What advice would you like, grams? Would you like us to say she is lazy and should be getting yelled at?
gone
: grams Fri Mar 18, 2016 - 10:37:36
The whole idea is ! This kind of stuff has been going on before we
moved in............ and still the same ! So what else is there to do ?
The children are getting spoiled and feeling different of course
from what the Mom say's and what the Dad says......
It is so nice when he does tell them what to do.....
they do it and it is over...... But when she does , it never seems to get
done.......
So what is that doing for the children ? Will they grow up ?
Good , bad , a little of both? The older ones are different.
But of course there were not so many back then..........
Grams, TRY and show her some grace. NO parent is perfect, no parenting team is in perfect harmony. The BEST thing you can do, is pray. Pray for God to move on the hearts of your grands. Pray that the concerns you have be met and tended to by Him. He is the One that appointed your daughter in law to be the children's mother, He must think she is the just right fit for the job, right?
gone
: grams Sat Mar 19, 2016 - 06:34:38
MeMyself,
I guess ! Since my son is around to make things right.
But as I see how things are going .......... it just seems as
She is the good guy and he is the bad guy...
But they do listen to him all the time.........!
Children need to be told over and over ......... But she does not do so.
And my son rarely has to repeat.........
I feel badly for her.
Wow 8 kids. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters so that makes us 6. I don't know the age difference between each kid but I can say that the eldest brother from my family raised the second, the second the third and so on. From what I've read your son and her wife doesn't seem to be working as a team. He is the judge, the executioner. She is a spectator and his anger is justified yet he should be more understanding. I would greatly recommend some counseling and a baby sitter (yes, even if the mother is at home she is not an octupus)
gone
: grams Fri Mar 25, 2016 - 07:46:42
I love my family!
But my D. just does not follow up on any thing....
The children get away with so much because of her.
The ages are 16 = 6 years..
The children all ready know they do not have to do what they are told...
They home school also.......... and this is a shame , there is so much
goofing around........
now that my son is home he had a operation and he is seeing how much
she has not done............ I sure hope he is able to help them
catch up one the school work.......
Thank goodness he is so perfect, to make up for God's choice to make her your grandkids mother.
As I said before. I feel badly for her.
You know what? You need to shut it up and get off your butt and help this poor woman instead of criticizing her every move. She was kind enough to let you move into her house, for God's sake, and this is how you repay her?
That's ridiculous. Either be of help or get out of her house and shut the door behind you.
Wow, what a bratty lady you are.
gone
: grams Tue Jul 26, 2016 - 11:21:17
I guess I have not told all ......
She does cook ! No problem with this.
But cleaning up ........ No dishes all over dirty, floor is dirty.
[ so I buy paper dishes and stuff to help]
Even the couch, has not been cleaned once since I noticed this.
Food is stuck and toys , now for close to a year..
The whole house is like this.
She has a lot of time to talk to every one .......
But , the children love her of course she does not make them
do much.
I love her also........ I just wish she was not so ? ? ?
Different from you?
I understand, BUT she is. SO...be kind, be forgiving, paint her in the most glorious of ways to others, focus on her strengths and never never never forget what places God's mercy is fullest in you. (in other words, your not so beautiful areas that He overlooks in favor of loving you)
And I still want to know why you aren't doing your part to keep the house clean? Clue: buying paper plates is not helping. Actually soaping up and cleaning the dirty ones IS. And for the love of green grass, if you don't like how the couch hasn't been cleaned, let's see you break out the means to clean it and do it yourself! You see she has nine other people to clean up after. If you don't like how the house is being kept, then gosh darn it, get off your butt and DO something about it. Help the girl out! Don't just sit there complaining about how she doesn't do this, or doesn't do that, HELP HER.
I'm not letting you off the hook on this one, lady. I'm just not. Your attitude in this really isn't sitting well with me, at all. I'm starting to wonder if you're just exaggerating things.
OK .....
I am 81 and at this age I am blessed to be able to do the little I do.
I do wash dishes at times and clean the floor....
My only problem with her is she does not follow up on things with the
children ........... if she did then she would have less to do.
Just little things add up. Toy's all over......... shoes on the feet full of mud.
things of this sort........ do not help. And she allows this to go on.
They do not listen !
What is that doing for them being brought up not listening ???????????
Grams, please remember what it felt like to be the daughter in law. I bet your mother in law saw all sorts of flaws in how you did things too. Did she criticize you? How did that feel? If the answer is "not good at all", then you need to stop yourself from doing it to your gal.
If she was encouraging and understanding and showed you grace, follow her wonderful example and do the same for your sons wife.
I have not said any thing to her ....
I do tell the children at times to do as they were told...... and she does not
like that........ it is so hard to not say any thing to them ..
They have things " chores" to do like taking care of the animals.
And in this heat they need water and that is not happening.....
So I feel sorry for the animals......... so I tell them........
: grams Wed Aug 03, 2016 - 07:03:36
I have not said any thing to her ....
I do tell the children at times to do as they were told...... and she does not
like that........ it is so hard to not say any thing to them ..
They have things " chores" to do like taking care of the animals.
And in this heat they need water and that is not happening.....
So I feel sorry for the animals......... so I tell them........
Well, we've heard a LOT about all that she does wrong. I am sure she feels your judgement, even though you "don't say anything".
How can you bless her? How can you build her up and let her know that you love her? How can you come along side and encourage her?
Let her off of YOUR hook and YOUR way of doing things and just love her. Stop white gloving her to find all that is wrong and BE THANKFUL for what you have. Family, a roof over your head, food in your belly and a daughter in law willing to take you in and welcome you to her home. ::smile::
... wow. Nope. You're still not understanding that you need to stop with the judgemental attitude you have going on. OF COURSE she doesn't like what you're doing! You're repeatedly slapping this girl in the face! STOP DOING THAT. You don't like how the house is run? GET. OUT. I don't know how much clearer anyone can make this, frankly. You're wrong, dead wrong, in how you're behaving toward your daughter in law. I don't care what you bring up, you're dead wrong and you need to cut it out. You're extremely disrespectful to this woman, and I frankly don't know how she puts up with you. Kudos to her for being a MUCH better woman than I would be. I'd have to put you out on your ear really quickly.
I guess I have not told the whole story yet......
My husband was not doing well ! And our son asked if we wanted to move in with them.
And he said yes ........ So my husband paid for the house to be raised to put another
floor on the house.
OK things went ok for a while and then my husband passed away when my son and I were
trying to make him comfortable in bed one day.
And now I do help since my darling passed away.... not a lot but when I can do things and
not get in the way.
I also go shopping and pay for the grocery's and even the gas in the car.
My husband also gave them our van since I do not want to drive any more and he could not.
So why can she not just tell the children to put things away ?
I have not mentioned to her things. But she has told me at times mind my own business.
And it was when the child was doing some thing wrong and she did not see it.
So.......... I should let them get I trouble or hurt by doing the wrong things. ?
I do love her and the whole family of course..... I am just used to having every thing in place.....
: grams Fri Sep 16, 2016 - 07:43:14
I guess I have not told the whole story yet......
My husband was not doing well ! And our son asked if we wanted to move in with them.
And he said yes ........ So my husband paid for the house to be raised to put another
floor on the house.
OK things went ok for a while and then my husband passed away when my son and I were
trying to make him comfortable in bed one day.
And now I do help since my darling passed away.... not a lot but when I can do things and
not get in the way.
I also go shopping and pay for the grocery's and even the gas in the car.
My husband also gave them our van since I do not want to drive any more and he could not.
So why can she not just tell the children to put things away ?
I have not mentioned to her things. But she has told me at times mind my own business.
And it was when the child was doing some thing wrong and she did not see it.
So.......... I should let them get I trouble or hurt by doing the wrong things. ?
I do love her and the whole family of course..... I am just used to having every thing in place.....
But, it is not your home, its hers. She has graciously allowed you to come stay.
Be grateful for what you have and show grace for what you don't enjoy 100%.
Everything in its place extends to YOUR room and YOUR bathroom. Insist on things being properly put away there, but you can't or shouldn't expect YOUR standards to be lived up to in another woman's home. That's a self centered expectation.
I have not read through all the posts here, but gonna chance an opinion none the less as time is a constraint.
The man is the leader of the household, but what does that mean....
The man must lead by example, a man that yells at his wife does not respect her, it is completely unsurprising that the children do not either.
As MeMyself says, I feel bad for this woman.
I have been with my wife going on 25 years and I have never once yelled at her. I love her dearly, and she deserves my utmost respect at all times. The children, now young adults, have seen this and treat their mother as I do.
Grams I think it would be wise to stay out of it, but if you must lay blame, ensure it falls where it belongs.
Just my two cents, perhaps harsh and not what you might want to hear, but you asked, and I must be honest.
God bless you Grams, You and your family are in my prayers.
As MeMyself says, I feel bad for this woman.
I still do too. I can just imagine how overwhelmed, unsupported, disrespected and unloved she must feel.
I am a daughter in law with a mother in law that wants to control her son, our family and me. She blames me for everything she finds unsatisfactory in our lives, and bashes me to everyone in the extended family. None trust me and look at me like I am the spawn of Satan.
My own family is not much different.
BUT
*I* am also a mother in law and it is my *duty* to make sure the girls my sons bring to me to love and embrace as one of our own, feel loved, accepted, supported, respected and cherished! I don't want them to have done to them what has been done to me...
I wish this poor daughter in law had someone in her corner too.
: Carey Fri Sep 16, 2016 - 15:22:27
The man must lead by example, a man that yells at his wife does not respect her, it is completely unsurprising that the children do not either.
That's it right there, and I can tell you, that woman needs to be picked up, held, loved, respected by her man and things would greatly improve in that home. More than likely, she's floating through the day as an empty, depressed shell of a woman.
: MeMyself Fri Sep 16, 2016 - 17:59:37
As MeMyself says, I feel bad for this woman.
I still do too. I can just imagine how overwhelmed, unsupported, disrespected and unloved she must feel.
I am a daughter in law with a mother in law that wants to control her son, our family and me. She blames me for everything she finds unsatisfactory in our lives, and bashes me to everyone in the extended family. None trust me and look at me like I am the spawn of Satan.
My own family is not much different.
BUT
*I* am also a mother in law and it is my *duty* to make sure the girls my sons bring to me to love and embrace as one of our own, feel loved, accepted, supported, respected and cherished! I don't want them to have done to them what has been done to me...
I wish this poor daughter in law had someone in her corner too.
I am so sorry for your struggle sister. ::prayinghard:: We often inherit the sins of our fathers, or in this case your mother in law, I am so glad to see you breaking what could continue an ugly cycle. Wouldn't expect anything less of you though, you have a kind and gentle heart. ::hug::
So few in this world understand that love and grace can accomplish so much more than criticism and condemnation. Jesus taught me that. ::smile::
: Carey Sat Sep 17, 2016 - 21:33:18
: MeMyself Fri Sep 16, 2016 - 17:59:37
As MeMyself says, I feel bad for this woman.
I still do too. I can just imagine how overwhelmed, unsupported, disrespected and unloved she must feel.
I am a daughter in law with a mother in law that wants to control her son, our family and me. She blames me for everything she finds unsatisfactory in our lives, and bashes me to everyone in the extended family. None trust me and look at me like I am the spawn of Satan.
My own family is not much different.
BUT
*I* am also a mother in law and it is my *duty* to make sure the girls my sons bring to me to love and embrace as one of our own, feel loved, accepted, supported, respected and cherished! I don't want them to have done to them what has been done to me...
I wish this poor daughter in law had someone in her corner too.
I am so sorry for your struggle sister. ::prayinghard:: We often inherit the sins of our fathers, or in this case your mother in law, I am so glad to see you breaking what could continue an ugly cycle. Wouldn't expect anything less of you though, you have a kind and gentle heart. ::hug::
So few in this world understand that love and grace can accomplish so much more than criticism and condemnation. Jesus taught me that. ::smile::
::blushing:: ::smile::
gone
: grams Mon Sep 19, 2016 - 10:26:01
OK........
More on my daughter in law.... She is kind and sweet and I love her very much...
[She has lots of friends, and more time to talk to them then doing some more stuff
around the house.]
But.............. there are bugs ever were [ and mice ] because there is food all over ......
There is only for about 5 min. a clean room........ then little by little socks shoes
shirts.............. toy's. more toy's more socks........ food..
and there is always fly's and nats even bees.............
If my daughter in law would keep after the children they would end up putting the
things away ! and not leaving any thing and every thing all over.
Gosh, this breaks my heart. It really does.
I can't help but wonder what she could air here about you?
You have been given this woman as a calling, grams! To love her! To protect her! To support and esteem her!
: MeMyself Mon Sep 19, 2016 - 10:31:13
Gosh, this breaks my heart. It really does.
I can't help but wonder what she could air here about you?
You have been given this woman as a calling, grams! To love her! To protect her! To support and esteem her!
+1
: grams Mon Sep 19, 2016 - 10:26:01
even bees.............
Turn those lemons into lemonade! Turn those bees into a prosperous bee keeping and honey business. Honey is liquid gold! Turn that slobby, lazy daughter-in-law into a successful business woman and maybe she'll take off on her own and leave you in the dust! Then, you can let everyone know you knew her back when she was such a pathetic creature, bad mom, terrible wife, lousy homemaker, etc.
http://americanbeejournal.com/beekeeping-for-profit/ (http://americanbeejournal.com/beekeeping-for-profit/)
(http://cdn.thepennyhoarder.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/ReganBoone_HighwayHighlandsFarm-1024x768.jpg)
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: grams Mon Sep 19, 2016 - 10:42:26
Still more !
My husband and I were asked if we want to move in with them 2 years ago.
and years before....... My husband , finally said yes..... and we paid for the house
to be made bigger........ and to do other things also.
He was not able to do much and hardly walk.
Any way.
Our son, talks to his wife about how she has a messy house !
He keeps after , her and eventfully kind of yells, but with so many children he is
really not yelling , just having to talk over them...... They will all seem to be talking to
each other no matter what ! And then he has to stop and ask them to be quite till he
is done talking. ....... There are so many different things going on .
And I do care for every one. My only problem is the mess.
And it just stays the same .....
Do you like to be chasing bugs away all he time ? And wondering what kind do I not see.
As I said I do care for all .......... Every one.
IF she would keep after the children more this would not be like this.....
That is my biggest problem ......... her allowing them to do nothings.
And the chores they have to do ...being told over and over. if they did them...
And they sit there and do nothing for a long time before they finally get up and
do them...... day after day, after day .......etc.
Phew...this is tough. ::frustrated::
How was your mother in law, grams? What was your relationship with her like?
You are making me out for more then I am ........
What's your problem. ?
: grams Mon Sep 19, 2016 - 16:55:20
You are making me out for more then I am ........
What's your problem. ?
My problem, if you are addressing me is that you are being very unkind and ungrateful to your daughter in law. You are airing everything you can't control about her and finding fault with her.
Again, I ask, how was your mother in law, and what was your relationship like with her?
I am doingthis to relies the pressure I am having.
So I can over look it all.
We only had 3 children and I was different a place for every thing and every thing in place.
My mother in law kind of kept to her self. One time she was talking about me to her husband and he pointed to her that I was there....... she clamed up.
That was the only thing I wondered about.
Thank you......... Your so help full to me...........
What a good Christian you are...... You do not understand pressure and lonelee s
for a person day after day ........ all alone After a long great Married life of 57 yeas....
: grams Tue Sep 20, 2016 - 07:12:20
Thank you......... Your so help full to me...........
What a good Christian you are...... You do not understand pressure and lonelee s
for a person day after day ........ all alone After a long great Married life of 57 yeas....
I am sorry that you are lonely. There is not much worse than being alone in a crowded house.
However, you *were* given good Christian responses to your posts and gossip about your daughter in law. She is not here to give her side.
You admit that in YOUR house, the way YOU ran things, everything had its place.
She isn't you. She doesn't do things like you do. I doubt very much its as bad as you make it sound.
You admit that your son yells at her, the kids ignore her, you do or say enough things that she tells you to "mind your own business". You only find fault with her.
I doubt very much that you are as innocent in this as you may think.
Your mother in law left you alone and when she gossiped about you, HER husband put her in her place...
wouldn't it be nice to give your daughter in law the same freedom from gossip that you had?
Why not try something new today? What your ARE doing isn't working. Why not try blessing her. Why not try overlooking what is imperfect, praying about your issues and need for everything to be your preferred way, and ask God to help Him see your daughter in law through His eyes; focusing on whatever IS good and praiseworthy about her and just.stopping.there! Tell her something you are proud of in her. Pray for her to vent instead of taking your issues to others. Remember that you (as well as the rest of us) will have to give an account of every idle word we have spoken about another.
I think you can do this! I think you are capable and strong enough and kind enough to rise above what you prefer and love your daughter in law (really love her) right where she is at. I bet you will be happier for it. I KNOW she will!
Grams,
I considered not speaking my mind here because I knew it would cause you pain, but I feel you needed to hear this.
I am certain MeMyself had the same reservations.
Our compassion is shown in the critique and advice you have been given. To simply ignore you, or agree with you would not be compassionate, and would not show our love for you.
You are well loved on this board Grams, when you are feeling lonely, know you have friends here that will support you and comfort you. Best of all you have friends here that care enough about you to tell you the truth, however disagreeable the truth may seem.
With love, God bless you,
Carey
Grams, just in case you come back to read this thread; here is an article that might help your situation a bit.
http://shareably.net/uses-for-peppermint-in-the-home/?utm_source=smob&utm_medium=facebook&utm_content=268&utm_campaign=smob (http://shareably.net/uses-for-peppermint-in-the-home/?utm_source=smob&utm_medium=facebook&utm_content=268&utm_campaign=smob)
The reason I am saying this is to get it off of me ..... I do not say any thing to here.
Her husband does! But not me.
And I thought if I posted this it would make me feel good......... Only thing is some one
here thought to make it even worse for me...... Thanks so much
As I have said I lover her and I like her very much it is just the mess that is day after
day after day. Bugs while I am trying to eat fruit..... what fun.
I do nt know how many times I have caught my self from falling, because the children
have dropped food and what ever on the floor ..... and it does not stop.
So how do I get around that ?
: grams Thu Sep 22, 2016 - 13:31:08
The reason I am saying this is to get it off of me ..... I do not say any thing to here.
Her husband does! But not me.
And I thought if I posted this it would make me feel good......... Only thing is some one
here thought to make it even worse for me...... Thanks so much
As I have said I lover her and I like her very much it is just the mess that is day after
day after day. Bugs while I am trying to eat fruit..... what fun.
I do nt know how many times I have caught my self from falling, because the children
have dropped food and what ever on the floor ..... and it does not stop.
So how do I get around that ?
Grams, the older we get, the more little kids underfoot can get on our nerves. I get that. The older we get, the more we value peace and quiet. That doesn't mean we don't love the little ones, but having to be with them day in and day out just wears us out emotionally more when we're older. Is there any way you can move out and get your own small apartment? If not, try going once a month to visit other relatives or friends who have no children in the home. That little break might help your frazzled nerves.
If you can't or won't go to visit others and get away, then you're going to have to develop a better mindset - for your own sanity.
I agree, grams with Mommydi. Perhaps its time to move on. OR could they build you a tiny house, grannie dwelling in their back yard? That way, you'd be close enough that they can help if need be, but you have your very own space, with no clutter or mess and you are no longer in danger of stumbling. ::hug::
: MeMyself Thu Sep 22, 2016 - 14:24:06
I agree, grams with Mommydi. Perhaps its time to move on. OR could they build you a tiny house, grannie dwelling in their back yard? That way, you'd be close enough that they can help if need be, but you have your very own space, with no clutter or mess and you are no longer in danger of stumbling. ::hug::
I love the idea of a tiny house for grams, and for myself someday. One of my great-grandmothers lived in a one room log cabin on the back of my aunt's acreage. My great-grandmother loved it! She had her own little place, but was close to family.
Here are some ideas -
(http://tinyhouseswoon.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/vinas-tiny-house-1.jpg)
(http://assets.inhabitat.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/1/files/2016/03/COA-Tiny-House-Linden-20-Equator-model.jpg)
Or, go glamping in the backyard! I'd love that!
(http://lh5.ggpht.com/-5ZUcuKWKCMg/Ub46pxKvMYI/AAAAAAAAP2w/EBebroIPXNo/NewImage.png?imgmax=800)
No ! My husband spent the money on this place to raise it. Only thing is it is not yet
finished. And winter is around the corner. .........
We gave them our car, since we are out in the country with miles of open space
And If I tried to drive any place I would loose my self after a turn or two.....
The other children live in a different State.... So that is out of the question.
: grams Thu Sep 22, 2016 - 20:32:48
No ! My husband spent the money on this place to raise it. Only thing is it is not yet
finished. And winter is around the corner. .........
We gave them our car, since we are out in the country with miles of open space
And If I tried to drive any place I would loose my self after a turn or two.....
The other children live in a different State.... So that is out of the question.
Well, I'd be getting myself a cute little camper and be enjoying a little R&R out back, but that's me. ::smile::
This is about you. All about you, and no one else. So how can
you fix this problem you're in? You tell us how you can change the situation to suit what you want and need. It's up to you, grams.
Things will continue on I guess !
Since my husband passed away I have been going shopping with my daughter in law and I
pay the bill. Most of the time it is over two hundred and some time more !
Plus we end up going for things we have forgotten .......... And some weeks I pay for a
fill up of gas . And that is better now since the price has come down..
So what is left ? Not much!
: grams Fri Sep 23, 2016 - 07:11:30
Things will continue on I guess !
Since my husband passed away I have been going shopping with my daughter in law and I
pay the bill. Most of the time it is over two hundred and some time more !
Plus we end up going for things we have forgotten .......... And some weeks I pay for a
fill up of gas . And that is better now since the price has come down..
So what is left ? Not much!
Why are you paying the grocery bill? Why are you filling up the car with gas? Does you son's job not pay enough to provide for his family?
Are there any kind of services for elderly folks that will transport you? In our small town, we have a shuttle that picks up those that need rides and services. That way you could go and get your own small amount of groceries and be responsible only for those.
Life is about controlling what we can, which is only ourselves. You might need to make some small changes so that you can let go of some of the resentment you are feeling. A camper in the backyard, for example, removes you from the immediate mess and all the noise and clutter of kids, but you are still close enough to be helped if need be. Check into your area and see if you can find a shuttle or even someone from church who will help you get to and around the store; making it possible for you to pay only for your needs.
That way, you wont feel so helpless and victimized, but wise, strong and powerful, grams! Its easier to speak blessings over people when we don't feel pressed under the boot of their issues.
It sounds pretty miserable for you at your son's place, and NOT just because of the daughter in law, either. What can you change to make it better for you?
: MeMyself Fri Sep 23, 2016 - 08:59:19
Why are you paying the grocery bill? Why are you filling up the car with gas? Does you son's job not pay enough to provide for his family?
::eatingpopcorn:
They got loaded down with bills...... with so many children and the health needs.
You just do not know how fast the money can go !
He had a job, that he hung on to as long as possible, only the boss was so mean and took advantage
of him and made him work over time with out getting a raise and a lot of stuff.
Finally he just quite and , had to find a job fast and of course the salary is not enough to get caught up...... and this boss is not much better. And I know my son is a good worker.
He is always reading and making sure he is doing what he should be doing.
Do you know what it cost to feed and clothed a child? And other things.........
: grams Fri Sep 23, 2016 - 09:26:54
They got loaded down with bills...... with so many children and the health needs.
You just do not know how fast the money can go !
Oh, believe me, yes I very much do, grams! This is not a situation that is unique to their family. It sounds like there is a LOT more than a messy house that is out of control at the place. Do they have a budget at all that they live with? Does your son's work not provide health insurance? They can get on a payment plan for medical bills...we have had to do this many many times over the years with the injuries our kids have endured.
He had a job, that he hung on to as long as possible, only the boss was so mean and took advantage
of him and made him work over time with out getting a raise and a lot of stuff.
Finally he just quite and , had to find a job fast and of course the salary is not enough to get caught up...... and this boss is not much better. And I know my son is a good worker.
He is always reading and making sure he is doing what he should be doing.
Do you know what it cost to feed and clothed a child? And other things.........
I think perhaps, you have rose colored glasses on when it comes to your son...
there are many red flags waving here and your dil isn't the root of all the problems of the family...neither your son's bosses.
yes, I know the cost. We live within our one income means.
: grams Fri Sep 23, 2016 - 09:26:54
Do you know what it cost to feed and clothed a child? And other things.........
I do. I raised not only my own children, but a grandchild whose mother is too doped up, sick in the head, and abusive to even be called a mother - and did so without a loving, caring husband for emotional support ::smile::
So when I say that I'd put a little camper in the backyard for my own sanity, I'm not just whistling Dixie. I know from whence I speak, woman.
And, grams...what can YOU control or change about your part of this life to make things easier on you and give you a higher quality of life right now? One that you can feel peaceful within?
I came here for help and it seems to me all I am getting is criticized
How would you love to live in a house filled with children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor, coming and going and again and again.
Day after day after day, all day long and the evening of course.
Do you have any idea how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?
I am Blessed I am able to move around at my age!
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things I all ready did with three times
the amount of children to top that ! Just give it a thought ! Day after day ..........
: grams Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 08:33:32
I came here for help and it seems to me all I am getting is criticized
What would help look like to you? We are trying to help. Sometimes that comes in the form of being asked to look at things through another lense.
How would you love to live in a house filled with children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor, coming and going and again and again.
Day after day after day, all day long and the evening of course.
Do you have any idea how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?
Grams? Didn't you raise children? Don't you remember what children are like? Why did you agree to live in a home where eight of them live?
I am Blessed I am able to move around at my age!
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things I all ready did with three times
the amount of children to top that ! Just give it a thought ! Day after day ..........
We understand that you are having difficulty moving around and feeling safe, which is why we suggest that moving to a camper or tiny home on the property is a good alternative for you.
You don't want to, but you are so very unhappy *in* the home as well...what would you like us to say so that you feel "helped"?
: grams Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 08:33:32
I came here for help and it seems to me all I am getting is criticized
How would you love to live in a house filled with children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor, coming and going and again and again.
Day after day after day, all day long and the evening of course.
Do you have any idea how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?
I am Blessed I am able to move around at my age!
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things I all ready did with three times
the amount of children to top that ! Just give it a thought ! Day after day ..........
I have young kids and that sounds like my life right now.
: Texas Conservative Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 09:00:30
: grams Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 08:33:32
I came here for help and it seems to me all I am getting is criticized
How would you love to live in a house filled with children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor, coming and going and again and again.
Day after day after day, all day long and the evening of course.
Do you have any idea how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?
I am Blessed I am able to move around at my age!
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things I all ready did with three times
the amount of children to top that ! Just give it a thought ! Day after day ..........
I have young kids and that sounds like my life right now.
It used to be my life and I loved it! Now, its too quiet for me...so we have a little infusion of some tiny hellions that come visit us a few times a week. BLISS! Back to chaos, belly laughter, toys scattered across the floor as evidence of happy hearts and well honed imaginations...
Kids and a few dogs on top of it. Mud, hair, poop, toys, yelling, etc.
: Texas Conservative Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 09:30:40
Kids and a few dogs on top of it. Mud, hair, poop, toys, yelling, etc.
happiest place on earth! ::giggle::
: MeMyself Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 09:35:45
: Texas Conservative Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 09:30:40
Kids and a few dogs on top of it. Mud, hair, poop, toys, yelling, etc.
happiest place on earth! ::giggle::
Had to give my cocker a bath first thing this morning.
: Texas Conservative Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 09:00:30
: grams Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 08:33:32
I came here for help and it seems to me all I am getting is criticized
How would you love to live in a house filled with children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor, coming and going and again and again.
Day after day after day, all day long and the evening of course.
Do you have any idea how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?
I am Blessed I am able to move around at my age!
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things I all ready did with three times
the amount of children to top that ! Just give it a thought ! Day after day ..........
I have young kids and that sounds like my life right now.
To be fair, you are very young and have days off from caring for your kids. Quiet time. Grams is much older with no days off - no quiet time ever. The kids are homeschooled, too, so there's never a break. I feel for her and can empathize because I'm not a spring chicken anymore and have had the responsibility of raising a grandchild. This is a fact - those days off are sanity keepers, and if you don't get them, you go batty. Those of you who have not raised grandkids don't have a clue. Grams has no loving arms to comfort her at night after a day of frazzled nerves. She has no one - alone in her bed. BTDT! I wish I could hug her.
That being said... she so needs a place, even a small camper out back to spend a few hours each day in total silence.
Grams...YOU NEED A GLAMPER!! Feed them all beans and rice for 3 months while you save for a neat little camper!! And when you get the camper, tell the little ones that grams is napping or praying, or whatever when you're out there.
Or feed them beans and rice and save for a cruise. Woman, you need some quiet time!
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ae/47/be/ae47be982f732b83ff1ee11af6dd0be1.jpg)
: mommydi Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 10:06:59
: Texas Conservative Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 09:00:30
: grams Sat Sep 24, 2016 - 08:33:32
I came here for help and it seems to me all I am getting is criticized
How would you love to live in a house filled with children whom are very seldom quiet,
all ways leaving things on the floor, coming and going and again and again.
Day after day after day, all day long and the evening of course.
Do you have any idea how many times a child can go in and out of the house in one day ?
I am Blessed I am able to move around at my age!
But at this age it is hard to go through all the things I all ready did with three times
the amount of children to top that ! Just give it a thought ! Day after day ..........
I have young kids and that sounds like my life right now.
To be fair, you are very young and have days off from caring for your kids. Quiet time. Grams is much older with no days off - no quiet time ever. The kids are homeschooled, too, so there's never a break. I feel for her and can empathize because I'm not a spring chicken anymore and have had the responsibility of raising a grandchild. This is a fact - those days off are sanity keepers, and if you don't get them, you go batty. Those of you who have not raised grandkids don't have a clue. Grams has no loving arms to comfort her at night after a day of frazzled nerves. She has no one - alone in her bed. BTDT! I wish I could hug her.
That being said... she so needs a place, even a small camper out back to spend a few hours each day in total silence.
Grams...YOU NEED A GLAMPER!! Feed them all beans and rice for 3 months while you save for a neat little camper!! And when you get the camper, tell the little ones that grams is napping or praying, or whatever when you're out there.
Or feed them beans and rice and save for a cruise. Woman, you need some quiet time!
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ae/47/be/ae47be982f732b83ff1ee11af6dd0be1.jpg)
I get her, I really do. I am an extroverted introvert, but I also know its up to *me* to find a place to recharge my batteries. I have to sneak away when all the family is here and it is expanding and I hope we are filled to the brim with grands. Both of my grandmothers were introverts with LARGE families and I would observe them when the crazy was at its zenith. They would quietly sneak away and find a place of solitude. It wasn't silent, but it was more quiet than in the eye of the storm.
I can't expect my family to adjust to my burn out, but its my responsibility to take care of my need for a few moments of quiet...and I agree that she needs to save up for a space just for herself! We have a camper on our land and I have been SO tempted a time or two to make it a "mom only club house!" ::noworries::
I am uncomfortable with just venting...venting doesn't change anything, it just leads to gossip and feeling helpless. Problem solving is a whole other beast, but its hard to learn to do...it means asking self some hard questions before any workable answers can be found, but its always such an amazing feeling when you can take some of the power back after feeling so helpless.
PS. That little pink thing is beyond darling!!!
To be fair, you are very young and have days off from caring for your kids. Quiet time. Grams is much older with no days off - no quiet time ever. The kids are homeschooled, too, so there's never a break. I feel for her and can empathize because I'm not a spring chicken anymore and have had the responsibility of raising a grandchild. This is a fact - those days off are sanity keepers, and if you don't get them, you go batty. Those of you who have not raised grandkids don't have a clue. Grams has no loving arms to comfort her at night after a day of frazzled nerves. She has no one - alone in her bed. BTDT! I wish I could hug her.
That being said... she so needs a place, even a small camper out back to spend a few hours each day in total silence
Thank You MeMyself,
You are correct one I need when I go to bed comfort............ After having this for 58 years....
It is so different now........ I am missing my husband and yet happy that his pain is gone..
It is so hard .
I do have my own bed room and bath room. So I can go and close the door and be left alone.
But with out my husband it is such a big void......."NOTHING"
Grams, MommyDi is the one that said the above. I am glad her words brought you a bit of comfort and understanding. ::hug::
I asked you before, how can we help you?
How can I feel like part of the family ? When they are talking about things I have no idea
Plus I get tired of sitting there and having people keep getting up and going to another room,
or out side !
I know they all love me, but they are going around and doing what they do ........
And I sure cant do those things........
If just once in a while they would come and just talk to me or just tell me some thing that has
happened to or with them at different times.. Not a ong thing just to make me feel like
they know I need company some times....... Only my daughter in law will because she is
sitting down and folding clothes......... Or just sits down to have a cup of coffee... Some thing
like that with other other children would be nice.
: grams Tue Sep 27, 2016 - 11:25:43
How can I feel like part of the family ? When they are talking about things I have no idea
Plus I get tired of sitting there and having people keep getting up and going to another room,
or out side !
I know they all love me, but they are going around and doing what they do ........
And I sure cant do those things........
If just once in a while they would come and just talk to me or just tell me some thing that has
happened to or with them at different times.. Not a ong thing just to make me feel like
they know I need company some times....... Only my daughter in law will because she is
sitting down and folding clothes......... Or just sits down to have a cup of coffee... Some thing
like that with other other children would be nice.
::hug:: Oh, sweet grams...*this* I can understand. You feel invisible in a very full home and that is a terrible hurt for you!
Father God, please give gram's family eyes to see her need. Her need for companionship, for conversation, for understanding. Let them be moved in their hearts to want to spend time with her, talking and laughing with her. Let them reach to her for a hug and a smile.
But, Lord if they do not, if they are so very busy that they can't see or hear You...comfort grams none the less. Put her on the heart of someone from their church, and let them be brave and reach out to her. And, Father, let gram's heart remain soft and approachable to her people, so that when they do come, even if it takes them a long time to remember that she is there and has needs, she will welcome them with open heart and arms!
Thank you for grams, and for bringing her here.
In Jesus name
amen ::hug::
Thank you Very much MeMyself,
That is very kind of you ...................! :)