Hi all. This post may get long-winded, which I apologize for. Also I am not positive I am posting in the right thread - sorry if that is the case as well! But I have just come across these forumns, and I desperately need people to talk to - so here goes.
To begin, I am a born-again Christian, born and raised. I have known God since I was a child, and in the last few years I have been trying very hard to transition from 'apathetic Christian' to a woman of faith who God could be proud of.
HOWEVER, I am very human. I have my faults. God knows this. We are working on it.
I have been dating a man for the past 4 years. We worked together for 3 years before we began dating, and I remember very clearly always thinking 'he is the kind of man I could marry'. Before him I had no interest in marriage. My parents have an awful marriage. They have stayed together only because they believed it was best for their children, and that it would be a sin for them to divorce. They have hated each other since I was a toddler, and I myself wanted no part in that. I thought that if they, two good Christian people, couldn't have a good healthy marriage, who could?
But then I met my SO and I thought, I could be happy with him. We could be different. And then we started dating and everything was easy and perfect, and I thought that all of my prayers to God had been answered, life could be different, marriage could be good.
My SO was my first boyfriend. I had gone on dates with other men when I was younger, but it never felt right and I never pursued them. My SO was not my first sexual encounter, but he was my first consensual sexual partner, which is not something that I really want to delve into here. So yes, we are having intercourse.
I realize that most everyone here is going to immediately jump on this and blame all of my problems on this fact - I wish you wouldn't. When we first began having sex I didn't believe it was a sin (because I was a young idiot, it's fine). And then as time went on I realized that it was wrong. At this time we as a couple made the decision that our commitment was for life, a spiritual marriage so to say. We wanted to get married legally at the time, but due to money we could not live on our own ( we were both living with our parents) and certainly couldn't afford a wedding (which both of our families seem to think we need - a JP won't do for them).
SO is not a Christian. His father is Catholic and his mother is an athiest. They all know that I have faith in the Lord, and though I don't think they understand it very well, they do respect it. His mother is an athiest due to her own up-bringing, and we agree to disagree very amicably on the subject. SO doesn't have any strong views on religion, as his upbringing with religion has been confusing at best. His father is not a practicing? Catholic I guess you could say, so SO has never had anyone to teach him about God.
I would like to say that God put me in his life for that, but I think I have failed. I am not a preacher by any means, and when originally asked 'why' I believed in God...well lets say I definitely dropped the ball on that conversation. But I keep trying, I try to show how life is more complete and peaceful with God in your life. I hope that he sees God in the way I live my life and is inspired to get to know Him. At current moment I don't know how show him.
So now onto the real stuff.... my family hates him. Hate is a strong word but I truly believe that they do. My father is dealing with the early stages of alzheimers, so I try to be understanding with him. My mother on the other hand, I can't understand at all. My SO is a really wonderful man, he just wants to take care of me. He is sweet as pie to me, and so respectful. However he is not very talkative to anyone other than me, and can be especially quiet at my family gatherings.He knows I come from a Christian family, and knows that my family doesn't approve of him because he has not given his life to the Lord (yet. A girl can still hope and pray). My mother takes his silence as sullenness and thinks he is just like my father, and that I am making the same mistake she did. She also never believed that our relationship had any validity because we weren't engaged, and she was mad that we were sleeping together.
Recently, SO go an amazing job, but was forced to move to the other side of the country because of it. We have been long distance for 9 months now. It has been incredibly hard, but we are getting through it. I have had some insecurities with the distance, but through prayer and support from my friends I have gotten through this. My mother has done nothing but cry whenever I talk about moving to be with him. She cried when he left (didn't even say goodbye to him). She cries when I talk about it. She talks about how much she will cry when I leave. I understand that this is hard for her, and I have tried so hard to help her through this, but she is determined to be depressed, and angry with him for taking me away from her.
I had thought until this point that she thought I was making a mistake by moving in with him before marriage, which me and my SO had talked about at length, and he understood I was uncomfortable with the idea of living together without being at least engaged. And then just a month ago, I went to him to visit for a week, and he proposed! I was so happy. As I said earlier I still feel as if we are married in the spirit, but being officially engaged would make my family and his so happy. We would finally have that worldly validity that my parents needed to see.
But it didn't. My mother cried for three days. She wouldn't talk to me for two weeks. It also came out recently that she had been praying that me and SO would break up, she even went so far as to go to her prayer group to get them to pray for us breaking up. She went so far as to say that I was 'damned' for doing this to her.
There is slightly more to this story, like her being upset because of the distance - understandable, but we are hoping to be able to move back in a few years. SO has even promised that as long as I just try for a while, if I was very unhappy that he would quit his job and we would come back. Not something I want to do (yet) but I appreciate him offering it more than anything.
She is also upset because she thinks that I am giving up on my job - which is not true at all. We re-train horses together, so she is going to miss doing that with me for a few years, but again I hope to be back as soon as SO's job will let us.
She also thinks I am walking away from God by marrying this man, because he isn't a believer. This upsets me the most because it is NOT true at all. If anything I want to become a better Christian to show my SO how good life can be with Him.
So now, here I am, engaged and miserable. I am supposed to be planning a wedding to the love of my life, but I can't find any joy in the task. I want to be able to talk to my mother about everything and I can't because she refuses to talk to me about it. My friends are trying, but they are also not very supportive because of the distance.
I have been praying and praying for an answer that makes everyone happy, but I fail to see it. I am trying to be faithful and trust that this is all in God's plans for me and my SO, but it's so hard to not sit here and pout like a child waiting for everything to fall into place.
Any thoughts or prayers or studies for me would be greatly appreciated. I don't have a church that I go to regularly (when you have animals to feed it can be hard to choose between feeding them on time and going to church....) and without my mother to talk to about this subject I have lost my main source of fellowship.
Hi Kehanna
There are my thoughts.
1)Do you realise that God specifically tells us not to marry someone who doesn't believe? There are good reasons why we are told this.It causes many problems and difficulties.You say you are praying that this is Gods plan for you, but He will never go against His word. If he converts then yes, you are free to marry him. Could it be that him going so far away was God telling you something?
Please read this article about it, its very good. https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/dont-take-it-from-me-reasons-you-should-not-marry-an-unbeliever (https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/dont-take-it-from-me-reasons-you-should-not-marry-an-unbeliever)
2))You are not married as yet, and now that you know sex before marriage is wrong, why don't you stop and repent and ask for forgiveness? Living together before marriage is a bad idea also.
3) Your mum seems very controlling. I understand that she isn't happy about him not being a Christian or that you want to live together, but adult children are meant to be independant and go their own way.She doesn't seem to want to let you go.
4)You need to be part of a spiritual family. Many churches have evening services and midweek meetings as well as morning ones. You need some good Biblical teaching and guidance.
Dear Kehanna,
My heart aches for you.
I will not discuss sex before marriage, or living together, for I can tell, you are already convicted in this area. We can try to ignore those convictions, but they will not depart.
I will comment on marrying an unbeliever. I know couples with this issue, and what seems rather unimportant now will haunt you in the future. It is heartbreaking to know one we love will not accept God's grace, and will suffer the consequences, it is even worse for any children that might result if they accept Christ. And if they do not, it will be even worse for you. I have heard this torment first hand.
I am with Chosenone on this, I believe God has intervened in separating you two for now. His will may be that you grow apart, but it also might be a means to have your fiance convert of his own will, and not just to please you.
Step back dear child, if it is meant to be it will, if not and you force it, you may regret that decision down the line.
Carey.
Kehanna I sent a first pm. tried to send this but your inbox is full.
Have a look a this guy preach on sex and marriage. He is the best preacher on the planet. No one comes near this love.
All his material is free to distribute. Hes not in it for money. His name is Dan Mohler.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHNM1rrqOwY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHNM1rrqOwY) If this video is not allowed like some I see deleted. Delete some of your mail and I will send a link. Woundnt think anyone would delte it when you are in need of help.
: Kehanna Fri Oct 07, 2016 - 21:38:01
Hi all. This post may get long-winded, which I apologize for. Also I am not positive I am posting in the right thread - sorry if that is the case as well! But I have just come across these forumns, and I desperately need people to talk to - so here goes.
To begin, I am a born-again Christian, born and raised. I have known God since I was a child, and in the last few years I have been trying very hard to transition from 'apathetic Christian' to a woman of faith who God could be proud of.
HOWEVER, I am very human. I have my faults. God knows this. We are working on it.
I have been dating a man for the past 4 years. We worked together for 3 years before we began dating, and I remember very clearly always thinking 'he is the kind of man I could marry'. Before him I had no interest in marriage. My parents have an awful marriage. They have stayed together only because they believed it was best for their children, and that it would be a sin for them to divorce. They have hated each other since I was a toddler, and I myself wanted no part in that. I thought that if they, two good Christian people, couldn't have a good healthy marriage, who could?
But then I met my SO and I thought, I could be happy with him. We could be different. And then we started dating and everything was easy and perfect, and I thought that all of my prayers to God had been answered, life could be different, marriage could be good.
My SO was my first boyfriend. I had gone on dates with other men when I was younger, but it never felt right and I never pursued them. My SO was not my first sexual encounter, but he was my first consensual sexual partner, which is not something that I really want to delve into here. So yes, we are having intercourse.
I realize that most everyone here is going to immediately jump on this and blame all of my problems on this fact - I wish you wouldn't. When we first began having sex I didn't believe it was a sin (because I was a young idiot, it's fine). And then as time went on I realized that it was wrong. At this time we as a couple made the decision that our commitment was for life, a spiritual marriage so to say. We wanted to get married legally at the time, but due to money we could not live on our own ( we were both living with our parents) and certainly couldn't afford a wedding (which both of our families seem to think we need - a JP won't do for them).
SO is not a Christian. His father is Catholic and his mother is an athiest. They all know that I have faith in the Lord, and though I don't think they understand it very well, they do respect it. His mother is an athiest due to her own up-bringing, and we agree to disagree very amicably on the subject. SO doesn't have any strong views on religion, as his upbringing with religion has been confusing at best. His father is not a practicing? Catholic I guess you could say, so SO has never had anyone to teach him about God.
I would like to say that God put me in his life for that, but I think I have failed. I am not a preacher by any means, and when originally asked 'why' I believed in God...well lets say I definitely dropped the ball on that conversation. But I keep trying, I try to show how life is more complete and peaceful with God in your life. I hope that he sees God in the way I live my life and is inspired to get to know Him. At current moment I don't know how show him.
So now onto the real stuff.... my family hates him. Hate is a strong word but I truly believe that they do. My father is dealing with the early stages of alzheimers, so I try to be understanding with him. My mother on the other hand, I can't understand at all. My SO is a really wonderful man, he just wants to take care of me. He is sweet as pie to me, and so respectful. However he is not very talkative to anyone other than me, and can be especially quiet at my family gatherings.He knows I come from a Christian family, and knows that my family doesn't approve of him because he has not given his life to the Lord (yet. A girl can still hope and pray). My mother takes his silence as sullenness and thinks he is just like my father, and that I am making the same mistake she did. She also never believed that our relationship had any validity because we weren't engaged, and she was mad that we were sleeping together.
Recently, SO go an amazing job, but was forced to move to the other side of the country because of it. We have been long distance for 9 months now. It has been incredibly hard, but we are getting through it. I have had some insecurities with the distance, but through prayer and support from my friends I have gotten through this. My mother has done nothing but cry whenever I talk about moving to be with him. She cried when he left (didn't even say goodbye to him). She cries when I talk about it. She talks about how much she will cry when I leave. I understand that this is hard for her, and I have tried so hard to help her through this, but she is determined to be depressed, and angry with him for taking me away from her.
I had thought until this point that she thought I was making a mistake by moving in with him before marriage, which me and my SO had talked about at length, and he understood I was uncomfortable with the idea of living together without being at least engaged. And then just a month ago, I went to him to visit for a week, and he proposed! I was so happy. As I said earlier I still feel as if we are married in the spirit, but being officially engaged would make my family and his so happy. We would finally have that worldly validity that my parents needed to see.
But it didn't. My mother cried for three days. She wouldn't talk to me for two weeks. It also came out recently that she had been praying that me and SO would break up, she even went so far as to go to her prayer group to get them to pray for us breaking up. She went so far as to say that I was 'damned' for doing this to her.
There is slightly more to this story, like her being upset because of the distance - understandable, but we are hoping to be able to move back in a few years. SO has even promised that as long as I just try for a while, if I was very unhappy that he would quit his job and we would come back. Not something I want to do (yet) but I appreciate him offering it more than anything.
She is also upset because she thinks that I am giving up on my job - which is not true at all. We re-train horses together, so she is going to miss doing that with me for a few years, but again I hope to be back as soon as SO's job will let us.
She also thinks I am walking away from God by marrying this man, because he isn't a believer. This upsets me the most because it is NOT true at all. If anything I want to become a better Christian to show my SO how good life can be with Him.
So now, here I am, engaged and miserable. I am supposed to be planning a wedding to the love of my life, but I can't find any joy in the task. I want to be able to talk to my mother about everything and I can't because she refuses to talk to me about it. My friends are trying, but they are also not very supportive because of the distance.
I have been praying and praying for an answer that makes everyone happy, but I fail to see it. I am trying to be faithful and trust that this is all in God's plans for me and my SO, but it's so hard to not sit here and pout like a child waiting for everything to fall into place.
Any thoughts or prayers or studies for me would be greatly appreciated. I don't have a church that I go to regularly (when you have animals to feed it can be hard to choose between feeding them on time and going to church....) and without my mother to talk to about this subject I have lost my main source of fellowship.
Phewww...Kehanna...that is certainly a whole heap of problems. The first thing you must realise is that Jesus is only a prayer away. He tells us to find a quiet corner, away from being overheard, and pray directly to Almighty God...not forgetting that we must only approach God through Jesus. This means bringing his, Jesus', righteous pattern of life into our life and into our prayers...and this means Bible study.
You are pouring out your soul here and this is an indication of the turmoil you are experiencing. It's all getting a little confusing for you but Jesus can lighten this load if you follow righteous principles and guidelines. The first thing you must do is stop wasting energy by rolling all this confusion round and round in your mind...it wont improve the situation and you are wasting valuable spiritual strength. Learning to cope is what you need most and this means not wasting righteous energy, but upbuilding it, so that your mind is clearer. There are a number of things that leap out at me from what you have said. Emotional black-mail is being used, and only you can decide if this is acceptable in your set of circumstances.
My own experiences tell me that if you stay calm you will cure the spiritual exhaustion which, whether you can see it or not is your biggest problem, and this is the area where Jesus' teaching will undoubtedly help.