I'm in a tough position where my kids and grand kids have moved across the country and are asking us to move to the area to continue to be together as a family. Being a close family, we are both miserable without our kids, and my wife is begging for us to move out there. I really want to move too, except my elderly father wants me to stay to keep him company. So I'm stuck in the middle so that I break someone's heart no matter what I do.
My father has a wife, so he will not be all alone if I move. He is well cared for without me, he but wants me for company. If I move, I will fly back to visit him quite often and probably will end up spending more time with him than I do now, since I will stay for a number of days.
I really want to move, but I'm torn.
In my opinion taking care of your father should be the priority here, I'm surprised that no one else in your family, especially your wife acknowledges that his needs are of most importance at this time.
Kind of in the same boat, my elderly mom lives close to me and I see her regularly. My only brother lives in Florida for 6 months of the year and doesn't see her all that much when he's back. Without my wife and my visits, mom wouldn't have any companionship. I would like to move into the country but taking care of my mom comes first right now, and my wife is on board with that.
I wish my wife was on board with me staying. This situation is putting quite a strain on our marriage as she feels that I am putting my dad ahead of the needs of the rest of my family.
Why cant he come too? Get a place with an annexe or get him somewhere near you so that all the family can live near each other.
How old is your father? Is he physically able to get out and about and mix with others? Does he have no friends or other children?
: chosenone Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:46:43
Why cant he come too? Get a place with an annexe or get him somewhere near you so that all the family can live near each other.
How old is your father? Is he physically able to get out and about and mix with others? Does he have no friends or other children?
No other children, but he has a wife. She refuses to move. He's 89 and gets out a little, but not much. Has friends but doesn't feel like hanging out anymore. His needs are taken care of, but he mostly sits at home. If I leave, he will still have her for company, so he will not be all alone. He just doesn't want me to move.
The pressure of all this is beginning to affect my health and marriage. My wife has implied that she will move out there without me. My blood pressure has gone through the roof since all this has happened.
My prayer is "Heavenly Father, please provide an answer that will make everyone happy."
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:53:08
No other children, but he has a wife. She refuses to move. He's 89 and gets out a little, but not much. Has friends but doesn't feel like hanging out anymore. His needs are taken care of, but he mostly sits at home.
Oh ok so he isn't alone, he is married. Does his wife have family/children who they see?
I feel sad when a parent thinks that their children should be there for them all the time. He has the option of seeing his friends, going to meetings/clubs etc and he has a wife. Is she younger or older than him? Do they have a church family?
To be honest now that I know he is married and his wife is still alive, then I would move. Its hard for a mum to be that far away from her children, and grandchildren especially. They grow so fast. If his wife dies first then you have the option of moving him to be near you.
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:41:55
I wish my wife was on board with me staying. This situation is putting quite a strain on our marriage as she feels that I am putting my dad ahead of the needs of the rest of my family.
What are
her reasons for placing the children above your father? The bible tells us to honor our fathers and mothers, it never tells us to reverse that alignment and honor our children first.
She is in her low 80's. If she dies, I will happily move him out there.
: Alan Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:05:56
What are her reasons for placing the children above your father? The bible tells us to honor our fathers and mothers, it never tells us to reverse that alignment and honor our children first.
I really want to move out there to watch my grand children grow up and she does too. I don't think she would ever really leave me, but she is heartbroken every time we get a video and see how much the kids have grown up without us.
Why did the kids move away?
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:11:36
I really want to move out there to watch my grand children grow up and she does too. I don't think she would ever really leave me, but she is heartbroken every time we get a video and see how much the kids have grown up without us.
To be honest, he isn't alone and he has a wife and friends and is looked after, I cant see that you are doing wrong by putting your wife first in this. You have offered to move them with you, and if his wife dies first you will do that.
Do they have a church? Does she have children/grandchildren?
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:11:36
I really want to move out there to watch my grand children grow up and she does too. I don't think she would ever really leave me, but she is heartbroken every time we get a video and see how much the kids have grown up without us.
I can fully understand that. How often do you see them? How far away are you?
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:53:08
No other children, but he has a wife. She refuses to move. He's 89 and gets out a little, but not much. Has friends but doesn't feel like hanging out anymore. His needs are taken care of, but he mostly sits at home. If I leave, he will still have her for company, so he will not be all alone. He just doesn't want me to move.
The pressure of all this is beginning to affect my health and marriage. My wife has implied that she will move out there without me. My blood pressure has gone through the roof since all this has happened.
My prayer is "Heavenly Father, please provide an answer that will make everyone happy."
Your dad is 89 so any solution is likely to be temporary.
If your wife wants to move and you stay, or if your wife exercises some patience and stays, or if your wife stays and travels regularly to the kids.
I would say you settle for the simplest solution first and see how it goes.
There is the honoring your father and mother bit, but there is the one about leaving father and mother and cleaving to your wife. I don't believe cleaving to your wife means the neglect of parents, but in your case, you said there will not be any practical neglect.
You said if you leave, your father will be taken care of and will not be alone, and you can still fly out to see him and spend quality time with him. It sounds to me like your moving to be with the rest of the family will not take away from any physical responsibility you have toward him, or toward his wife for that matter. There is just the matter of helping him to cope with your decision to leave, if that ends up being your decision.
In my opinion, moving with your wife is the correct choice for the long term. Your father will be hurt, but don't you think he will understand your position if you should decide the same? Also, your visits, as you are able, will help appease his heart.
: Alan Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:14:54
Why did the kids move away?
My son-in-law got a killer job offer at almost double what he was making before. Moved from San Diego to Charlotte, double the salary and half the cost of living. They are living well when they were barely making ends meet in their previous location.
: chosenone Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:34:03
I can fully understand that. How often do you see them? How far away are you?
I'm in SoCal and they moved from San Diego to Charlotte, NC. My wife goes out every month or so, working full time, I am only able to see them once a year. We are a very close family and I'm a dedicated father, so it's killing me. But I'm happy for my kids because they are so much better off there, when they were struggling here.
Another factor is that I could retire if we move out there. Here in SoCal, it's so expensive that I doubt I'd ever be able to afford to retire.
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:53:08
The pressure of all this is beginning to affect my health and marriage. My wife has implied that she will move out there without me. My blood pressure has gone through the roof since all this has happened.
So she goes to see them every month, but that's not enough, and she'll risk her marriage over it? ::pondering::
My prayer is "Heavenly Father, please provide an answer that will make everyone happy."
What if your Heavenly Father thinks it's ok for someone to not end up happy with the decision. What if someone else needs to lean more on Him and not you or your kids?
A few years ago, I talked to my doctor about a gut wrenching dilemma where the only two options were extremely painful to others and myself. He told me that both options would cause me deep guilt, but to choose the option that would cause me the least amount of guilt, then try to work on resolving the guilt.
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 22:07:41
I'm in SoCal and they moved from San Diego to Charlotte, NC. My wife goes out every month or so, working full time, I am only able to see them once a year. We are a very close family and I'm a dedicated father, so it's killing me. But I'm happy for my kids because they are so much better off there, when they were struggling here.
Another factor is that I could retire if we move out there. Here in SoCal, it's so expensive that I doubt I'd ever be able to afford to retire.
To be honest, being that you could retire as well and that you only see the children and grandchildren once a year(although I am not sure why you can't go with your wife more often?), going is the best for your family. Honouring you parents doesn't mean that you must see them all the time, especially when they have each other and friends and hopefully a church as well. He isn't being neglected at all.
You haven't said whether he has step children or grandchildren near, but if he does then presumably they come and visit?
: chosenone Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 03:24:26
You haven't said whether he has step children or grandchildren near, but if he does then presumably they come and visit?
His wife has a daughter who lives about 10 minutes away and she loves my dad. She doesn't like her mom(dad's wife) so she doesn't come to visit much, but she is a good person and comes through if they need her help. I'm an only child, so there's nobody to help or visit dad on my side of the family except me. Dad and his wife are fairly involved in their church and go to monthly home fellowship meetings, where they have a circle of friends, they also attend regular church on Sunday's.
If we move out to Charlotte and I retire as planned, I will fly back and visit him many times a year. I might end up spending more time with him this way since I will be staying for a week at a time.
My 2 cents
Your dad is 89.
While true that we do not know how long any of us have in life, his age is against him.
I see things this way, as an outsider looking in.
You have a desire to be with your children and grandchildren. And your wife does so much so that she visits them quite often. You would also like to move to be closer to them
WHY? I will answer that for you. Because of the love and closeness you want to have with your offspring.
This is perfectly normal, and is right.
HOWEVER, do you not realize that you dad feels this way to you. Your dad looks upon you the same as you look upon your son.
He is 89 years old and a step-child, no matter what, is not the same as your child.
You would be moving away , during your dads worst of declining years, and leaving him to feel somewhat abandoned.. no matter the attention of his step daughter or not
I think you need to stay and work things out with the wife. Let her continue to travel monthly, if she choses, or suggest she do it every other and both of you can go.
His age is against him. And even with friends and a wife and a step-daughter... you are his bloodline. There is no replacement. Would you not feel terrible
if you move, and his health declines because of a broken heart. It well can happen.
This is not easy, but we all have opinions do we not, and you asked for them.
Consider: You are saying that it's "killing you" not being around your grandchildren, then THAT WITHIN itself should tell you how your father feels! He's late in life, and you owe him the honor of making his late few days to have some peace knowing that you are near him and will be there for him AS HE WAS FOR YOU growing up. Grandchildren do NOT come before parents~God has never commanded you to honor them, only to lay up an inheritance for them per Solomon in Proverbs. He has provided us with a commandment to honor our parents, and there are no commandments that override this and free us.
: JesusMatthew 15:3-6~"But he answered and said unto them, Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition? For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. But ye say, Whosoever shall say to his father or his mother, It is a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; And honour not his father or his mother, he shall be free. Thus have ye made the commandment of God of none effect by your tradition."
Death may soon
free you but not until then. My wife has her STEP-father that she make sure he is taken care of daily~no blood relation, even though he has been part of her life since she was seven and now she's almost 68 and he's 84. That's pleasing in God's sight to do otherwise is selfish and self-serving.
Btw, Charlotte is beautiful, I'm two hours south of Charlotte and was raised less than that northeast of Charlotte.
: Ginger Rella Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 08:35:10
I think you need to stay and work things out with the wife. Let her continue to travel monthly, if she choses, or suggest she do it every other and both of you can go.
His age is against him. And even with friends and a wife and a step-daughter... you are his bloodline. There is no replacement. Would you not feel terrible
if you move, and his health declines because of a broken heart. It well can happen.
What if I fly back many times a year to visit and spend a week at a time with him? See details in my next post below.
: RB Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 09:05:31
you are near him and will be there for him AS HE WAS FOR YOU growing up. Grandchildren do NOT come before parents~God has never commanded you to honor them, only to lay up an inheritance for them per Solomon in Proverbs.
He was not much of a father to me. That fact doen't remove my responsibility to him and I want to do the right thing.
What about this idea: My wife flys out to Charlotte every month or so and spends more time with our daughter now than she did when she was in San Diego. Don't you think it would be OK if I did the same thing in reverse? Fly back here many times a year and spend a week with him? If I move to Charlotte, I can afford to retire comfortably and will have the time and money to do just that.
He currently lives about an hour and a half from me and I see him every 4 to 6 weeks. If I live in Charlotte and fly back often, I think he would get more of my time.
Sounds like you're looking for support for a decision you've already made in your mind.
: Alan Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 10:06:16
Sounds like you're looking for support for a decision you've already made in your mind.
Yeah, maybe, but I'm trying to stay open and do the right thing. I think he will not like it but will eventually see that he gets more time with me this way. I currently can only make the drive to him every so often because I must work 3 jobs just to stay in California. If I move to Charlotte I can retire comfortably and will have the time and money to come visit often and stay much longer.
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 09:39:25
He currently lives about an hour and a half from me and I see him every 4 to 6 weeks. If I live in Charlotte and fly back often, I think he would get more of my time.
He has a wife, she has a daughter that loves him, they are active in their church, and you see him every 4-6 weeks.
His life sounds full, and that he has many who support him, and you are committed to doing so as well, and if you move, it will not cut into the time you are already spending with him...
and you can bless your wife, strengthen your marriage, bless your children and grandchildren by being closer and able to invest in them more if you move.
Nothing changes for him if you move, everything changes for the family you've made if you do.
Call him once a week, skype with him midweek, keep your visit schedule to once every six weeks.
You are not abandoning him. You are being a good son, who honors his father, but who is also obeying the command of the Lord to leave and cleave to your wife.
: Alan Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 10:06:16
Sounds like you're looking for support for a decision you've already made in your mind.
Yep.
Something else we all need to remember-
How we treat our elderly parents sets the example for how our children will likely treat us when we're elderly. A
what goes around, comes around thing.
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 09:29:28
What if I fly back many times a year to visit and spend a week at a time with him? See details in my next post below.
Sorry, for me this does not cut it.
Your dad coes first.... That is right and that is God's way.
Admittedly you say he may not like it at first.
You say he was not much of a father.
Well, my friend, neither was mine. But I was there for him, as I am not my mother. But this is not about e.
Put the shoe on the other foot. What if you move to South Carolina and then in a few years you are not well but your kid moves across the country again
and has to make up their mind do they stay with their spouse or move back to be closer to you. How would you feel?
You know the right thing to do is stay near your dad.
If you need to work 3 jobs just to stay in S CA move across to NV and commute. Or downgrade your housing, or move dad and step mom in with you and ask for a little assistance from them.
Wanting to retire is understandable but this is not the reason to do it at this time
As to your wife.... Perhaps it would be best for both of you to talk to your pastor and get some advice rather then on here where we all are known for totally opposite opinions
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 22:02:20
My son-in-law got a killer job offer at almost double what he was making before. Moved from San Diego to Charlotte, double the salary and half the cost of living. They are living well when they were barely making ends meet in their previous location.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but why hasn't your daughter been flying out to visit
you from time to time since she so desperately wants you in their lives? Even if the kids are busy in school, there's always Spring Break, summertime, holidays, etc. It's still a little unclear why, if everyone has the means for travel, that you only see your daughter and grandkids once a year. ::shrug::
: mommydi Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:17:02
I don't mean to sound harsh, but why hasn't your daughter been flying out to visit you from time to time since she so desperately wants you in their lives? Even if the kids are busy in school, there's always Spring Break, summertime, holidays, etc. It's still a little unclear why, if everyone has the means for travel, that you only see your daughter and grandkids once a year. ::shrug::
They are poor? I didn't travel much for a period when I wasn't making as much dough and I lived away from my parents.
: Texas Conservative Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:24:07
They are poor? I didn't travel much for a period when I wasn't making as much dough and I lived away from my parents.
My son-in-law got a killer job offer at almost double what he was making before. Moved from San Diego to Charlotte, double the salary and half the cost of living. They are living well when they were barely making ends meet in their previous location.
Getting a "killer job" with double the salary with half the cost of living and "living well" doesn't sound like poor, but who knows?
: mommydi Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:31:41
Getting a "killer job" with double the salary with half the cost of living and "living well" doesn't sound like poor, but who knows?
How much vacation time does he have? What about his parents?
Money isn't the only variable.
: MeMyself Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 10:55:49
.....who is also obeying the command of the Lord to leave and cleave to your wife.
No, that is not cleaving, it is kowtowing regardless of how he feels about the move. He did his "cleaving" decades ago.
: Alan Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 13:39:50
No, that is not cleaving, it is kowtowing regardless of how he feels about the move. He did his "cleaving" decades ago.
He is wanting to move as well.
: Ginger Rella Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 12:07:59
Sorry, for me this does not cut it.
Your dad coes first.... That is right and that is God's way.
Admittedly you say he may not like it at first.
You say he was not much of a father.
Well, my friend, neither was mine. But I was there for him, as I am not my mother. But this is not about e.
Put the shoe on the other foot. What if you move to South Carolina and then in a few years you are not well but your kid moves across the country again
and has to make up their mind do they stay with their spouse or move back to be closer to you. How would you feel?
You know the right thing to do is stay near your dad.
If you need to work 3 jobs just to stay in S CA move across to NV and commute. Or downgrade your housing, or move dad and step mom in with you and ask for a little assistance from them.
Wanting to retire is understandable but this is not the reason to do it at this time
As to your wife.... Perhaps it would be best for both of you to talk to your pastor and get some advice rather then on here where we all are known for totally opposite opinions
Sorry but his father does not come first. His wife and children do. His father has a wife and friends and is being looked after.
They have asked them if they want to move with them and they have said no. if his wife dies first they will move his dad to be with them.
MY husband move the other wide of the world for his wife, and left his wider family in OZ.
I would never ever expect my children to be my life and make them feel so guilty for wanting to move away. We must have our own lives and friends and not expect them to ever move away from us.
: chosenone Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:02:07
Sorry but his father does not come first. His wife and children do. His father has a wife and friends and is being looked after.
They have asked them if they want to move with them and they have said no. if his wife dies first they will move his dad to be with them.
MY husband move the other wide of the world for his wife, and left his wider family in OZ.
I would never ever expect my children to be my life and make them feel so guilty for wanting to move away. We must have our own lives and friends and not expect them to ever move away from us.
Where is your scripture?
RB provided some.
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 07:58:26
His wife has a daughter who lives about 10 minutes away and she loves my dad. She doesn't like her mom(dad's wife) so she doesn't come to visit much, but she is a good person and comes through if they need her help. I'm an only child, so there's nobody to help or visit dad on my side of the family except me. Dad and his wife are fairly involved in their church and go to monthly home fellowship meetings, where they have a circle of friends, they also attend regular church on Sunday's.
If we move out to Charlotte and I retire as planned, I will fly back and visit him many times a year. I might end up spending more time with him this way since I will be staying for a week at a time.
I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty about leaving him in the situation he is in. He is cared for, has a wife, has a good church, a step daughter who will help if they need it. Not sure why he needs to rely on you so much for company when he clearly isn't lacking in company.
I am sure that flying back 2-4 times a year will be enough.
: Texas Conservative Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:06:37
Where is your scripture?
RB provided some.
There is no scripture that says we must put our parent before our spouse, Nor allow ourselves to be guilt tripped into making a decision that we don't want to and that isnt good for our own spouse and children.
: chosenone Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:13:20
There is no scripture that says we must put our parent before our spouse, Nor allow ourselves to be guilt tripped into making a decision that we don't want to and that isnt good for our own spouse and children.
Well, kudos to the son-in-law. Rare is the son-in-law who gets monthly stay-over visits from his mother-in-law and begs for more. I'm serious.
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 09:39:25He was not much of a father to me.
Children are to obey their parents, and God does not give them an
"right" to determine IF they deserve our obedience. There are no perfect parents, and certainly no perfect children. There's no perfect husband, yet a wife owes him reverence, just as the church does Christ. So flush that excuse.
: Mike350 Today at 09:39:25What about this idea: My wife flys out to Charlotte every month or so and spends more time with our daughter now than she did when she was in San Diego. Don't you think it would be OK if I did the same thing in reverse? Fly back here many times a year and spend a week with him? If I move to Charlotte, I can afford to retire comfortably and will have the time and money to do just that.
He currently lives about an hour and a half from me and I see him every 4 to 6 weeks. If I live in Charlotte and fly back often, I think he would get more of my time.
It's your life, and ultimately your decision~but, grandchildren will soon be gone living their own lives and also your own children~and it will be you and your wife, loving and serving each other's needs.
: Alan Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 13:39:50
No, that is not cleaving, it is kowtowing regardless of how he feels about the move. He did his "cleaving" decades ago.
Really? Its kowtowing to consider his wife's feelings and move to where the family they made is now thriving?
If the man was alone, I agree, the move would be impossible until he went to be with the Lord. His father isn't alone though.
: RB Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:24:12
Children are to obey their parents, and God does not give them an "right" to determine IF they deserve our obedience. There are no perfect parents, and certainly no perfect children. There's no perfect husband, yet a wife owes him reverence, just as the church does Christ. So flush that excuse. It's your life, and ultimately your decision~but, grandchildren will soon be gone living their own lives and also your own children~and it will be you and your wife, loving and serving each other's needs.
An adult is no longer a child nor are they under the obligatory "obey" call.
A son that never gets to be an adult until his parents are dead can't lead the family like God designed, because he is constantly stuck in the mode of childhood where he has to obey and get his parents permission.
: MeMyself Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 10:55:49
He has a wife, she has a daughter that loves him, they are active in their church, and you see him every 4-6 weeks.
His life sounds full, and that he has many who support him, and you are committed to doing so as well, and if you move, it will not cut into the time you are already spending with him...
and you can bless your wife, strengthen your marriage, bless your children and grandchildren by being closer and able to invest in them more if you move.
Nothing changes for him if you move, everything changes for the family you've made if you do.
Call him once a week, skype with him midweek, keep your visit schedule to once every six weeks.
You are not abandoning him. You are being a good son, who honors his father, but who is also obeying the command of the Lord to leave and cleave to your wife.
Agreed, and Mike, if you only see him every 4-6 weeks now and you are wiling to fly back for a week every 2-3 months say, then he will spend more time with you than he does now. Having to work 3 jobs when you are retirement age isn't easy.
Honestly I hope that I never get to that point of making my own children feel guilty for living their own lives. I never have been like that so hopefully I wont change.
BTW was talking to my husband about this today, he says move. He moved to the UK from his country the other side of the world for his wife and children.
: RB Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:24:12
Children are to obey their parents, and God does not give them an "right" to determine IF they deserve our obedience. There are no perfect parents, and certainly no perfect children. There's no perfect husband, yet a wife owes him reverence, just as the church does Christ. So flush that excuse. It's your life, and ultimately your decision~but, grandchildren will soon be gone living their own lives and also your own children~and it will be you and your wife, loving and serving each other's needs.
He is not a child, he is a married man with his own children and grandchildren. Leave you father and mother and join to your wife.
: chosenone Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:02:07
Sorry but his father does not come first. His wife and children do.
His "children" are grown adults with families of their own and it appears they're all doing well and not in drastic need of help with the kids.
Mike says he'd "like to stay" so why doesn't the rest of the family take that into consideration? Why all the drama and threats to leave him behind? Why can't the wife say, "We'll have to work harder at getting with the kids for the next year or two until we are free to leave."
: mommydi Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:36:39
His "children" are grown adults with families of their own and it appears they're all doing well and not in drastic need of help with the kids.
Mike says he'd "like to stay" so why doesn't the rest of the family take that into consideration? Why all the drama and threats to leave him behind? Why can't the wife say, "We'll have to work harder at getting with the kids for the next year or two until we are free to leave."
He has actually said he would like to go.
: chosenone Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:13:20There is no scripture that says we must put our parent before our spouse,
Judy, you make some of the most off the wall statement that has no biblical support~you should qualify your
shooting from the hip statements. My wife owes me honor, BUT that honor is defined by scriptures NOT my wishes and desires! Need proof?
: PaulColosaaians 3:18~"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord."
Sherry's stepfather is an atheist, what IF I said to her you cannot do this or that for him since he's so against my Christians' faith (and he is)~should she obey me or God? With me, it could be a bias problem with my precious feelings that I think so much of, like we ALL Do. I could keep going, but God has highly exalted our parents as little gods over us, whether or we like it or not and desire our freedom from them, God has not granted that freedom. They spent their lives provided our needs, and the least we can do is the same for them in their old age. My children have been forward...your mother is NOT to be put into a nursing home if something happens to me and she needs help with living. I have provided well for her future needs and I expect she is taken care of with what she will be left with, by her OWN CHILDREN.
: chosenone Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 13:53:50
He is wanting to move as well.
Mike said this -
I wish my wife was on board with me staying. This situation is putting quite a strain on our marriage as she feels that I am putting my dad ahead of the needs of the rest of my family.
She's not on board with his desire to stay and is hinting about leaving him over it. He feels a certain obligation to stay near his father, but she's not having it.
Something else I'm not quite getting here. I'm a grandmother with 4 grandchildren. I understand a woman's desire to spend time with her grandchildren. I love my grandkids with all my heart. The thing is, she already goes to visit them every month, but yet feels she must be there at all times even if it causes her husband this worry that's even messing with his health. Why can't she be happy with her monthly visits to the grands until grandpa is gone? Why put pressure on her husband to the point of him becoming physically ill?
: mommydi Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:54:16
Something else I'm not quite getting here. I'm a grandmother with 4 grandchildren. I understand a woman's desire to spend time with her grandchildren. I love my grandkids with all my heart. The thing is, she already goes to visit them every month, but yet feels she must be there at all times even if it causes her husband this worry that's even messing with his health. Why can't she be happy with her monthly visits to the grands until grandpa is gone? Why put pressure on her husband to the point of him becoming physically ill?
She is being a bad wife. She is to submit to her husband, not her kids, or herself.
Chosenone cannot deny that scripture.
Mike, if you are still checking in and posting here, I am wondering what do your kids say? I'm just curious, because maybe they'd like a little space to create their own bond and do things their own way...
We know your wife's desire is to be with them, and your desire is to be close to your dad...and I gave advice based on the information you gave us regarding that.
Forgive me if you've already mentioned what the kids are thinking...that might change my thoughts a bit though.
: chosenone Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:02:07
Sorry but his father does not come first. His wife and children do. His father has a wife and friends and is being looked after.
They have asked them if they want to move with them and they have said no. if his wife dies first they will move his dad to be with them.
MY husband move the other wide of the world for his wife, and left his wider family in OZ.
I would never ever expect my children to be my life and make them feel so guilty for wanting to move away. We must have our own lives and friends and not expect them to ever move away from us.
Thank you, chosenone! My thoughts exactly.
: Texas Conservative Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:57:55
She is being a bad wife. She is to submit to her husband, not her kids, or herself.
Chosenone cannot deny that scripture.
He has made it clear that he wants to move as well. Having to work 3 jobs and seeing your child and grandchildren only once a year is awful. Its only the guilt that his dad is putting on him that is making it hard. He has asked them to move as well but they refuse. That's their choice in the end but no parent should expect their adult child to never move away from them.
: mommydi Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:46:30
Mike said this -
She's not on board with his desire to stay and is hinting about leaving him over it. He feels a certain obligation to stay near his father, but she's not having it.
Mike has said in many posts that he is keen to go.
: mommydi Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:36:39
Mike says he'd "like to stay" so why doesn't the rest of the family take that into consideration? Why all the drama and threats to leave him behind? Why can't the wife say, "We'll have to work harder at getting with the kids for the next year or two until we are free to leave."
Oh no, not at all; I want to go to South Carolina with all my heart. I feel like God is allowing me to be miserable here because He is preparing the way for me to move. I think it's the Lord's will for me to go, but I'm worrying about hurting my dad, that's the only thing keeping me here. I absolutely hate Southern California, don't like my job much here either.
: MeMyself Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 15:51:14
We know your wife's desire is to be with them, and your desire is to be close to your dad...and I gave advice based on the information you gave us regarding that.
Forgive me if you've already mentioned what the kids are thinking...that might change my thoughts a bit though.
MeMyself you are so kind and I appreciate your input. I think I have given you the wrong indication, however. I hate it here, I'm miserable to the point of depression, trusting my Lord and coping, but I'm getting the feeling I'm supposed to go.
: RB Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:41:16
Judy, you make some of the most off the wall statement that has no biblical support~you should qualify your shooting from the hip statements. My wife owes me honor, BUT that honor is defined by scriptures NOT my wishes and desires! Need proof? Sherry's stepfather is an atheist, what IF I said to her you cannot do this or that for him since he's so against my Christians' faith (and he is)~should she obey me or God? With me, it could be a bias problem with my precious feelings that I think so much of, like we ALL Do. I could keep going, but God has highly exalted our parents as little gods over us, whether or we like it or not and desire our freedom from them, God has not granted that freedom. They spent their lives provided our needs, and the least we can do is the same for them in their old age. My children have been forward...your mother is NOT to be put into a nursing home if something happens to me and she needs help with living. I have provided well for her future needs and I expect she is taken care of with what she will be left with, by her OWN CHILDREN.
He has offered to have them move as well and they have refused. Many elderly parents move to be near or with their children but you cant force them to go. He has made it clear that if his wife dies he will move him to be with them. He has also said that he will be spending MORE time with him if they move away because a)he will be able to retire so will have far more free time, and b) because he will be able to stay with him for a week each time he flies there.
There is no abandonment here. The man has a wife, friends, church, step daughter and all the care he needs.
He is far more fortunate than most elderly people of his age.
How each family deals with these things is their decision. What you do may not be right for everyone.
: Texas Conservative Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 14:06:37
Where is your scripture?
RB provided some.
1 Timothy 5:8 seems to imply that your immediate household takes precedence "But if anyone does not provide for his own family, especially for his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Wouldn't this mean my wife and children? It's certainly not conclusive, but I makes me lean that way. And, I would still provide for my dad by coming out all of the time and spending more time with him than I do now because I will stay several days. Right now, I make the drive out there every 4 to 6 weeks and only spend a few hours. If I fly in to stay, I will spend days several times a year.
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 16:55:52
Oh no, not at all; I want to go to South Carolina with all my heart. I feel like God is allowing me to be miserable here because He is preparing the way for me to move. I think it's the Lord's will for me to go, but I'm worrying about hurting my dad, that's the only thing keeping me here. I absolutely hate Southern California, don't like my job much here either.
If its the lords will then He will take care of your dad.
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 16:58:36
MeMyself you are so kind and I appreciate your input. I think I have given you the wrong indication, however. I hate it here, I'm miserable to the point of depression, trusting my Lord and coping, but I'm getting the feeling I'm supposed to go.
Then, I do want to apologize for the unkind judgements against your wife made by some on the board.
I agree...I think its time to go. Your father will be ok...
Just make sure you learn from this overwhelming burden you feel...and do your best to never put your own kids under such feelings of crushing obligation as well; that will make your struggle now worth it...knowing that you are going to offer them freedom where you felt a yoke of slavery. ::smile::
God bless you in this...I know it will not be easy to tell him your decision, but as I said earlier, he is not alone. His good wife, who cares well for him and his step daughter are there, their church family too...and you will keep in touch. He will be ok. You will too! ::smile::
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 17:03:23
1 Timothy 5:8 seems to imply that your immediate household takes precedence "But if anyone does not provide for his own family, especially for his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." It's certainly not conclusive, but I makes me lean that way. And, I would still provide for my dad by coming out all of the time and spending more time with him than I do now because I will stay several days. Right now, I make the drive out there every 4 to 6 weeks and only spend a few hours. If I fly in to stay, I will spend days several times a year.
Its not as if you live round the corner now is it, you live a fair drive away as it is. So in that way he cant be that dependant on you for company because you can't spend that much time with him due to your jobs. He has his wife for company, and a step daughter nearby, and friends and church family. Most churches have groups for the older people as well.
My husband's older son lives in OZ. He has no issues at all with that. We are happy for him that he has made a good life out there. Neither of us ever wants to make our children feel guilty or burdened. I have always felt that way.
: MeMyself Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 17:05:05
Then, I do want to apologize for the unkind judgements against your wife made by some on the board.
I agree...I think its time to go. Your father will be ok...
Just make sure you learn from this overwhelming burden you feel...and do your best to never put your own kids under such feelings of crushing obligation as well; that will make your struggle now worth it...knowing that you are going to offer them freedom where you felt a yoke of slavery. ::smile::
God bless you in this...I know it will not be easy to tell him your decision, but as I said earlier, he is not alone. His good wife, who cares well for him and his step daughter are there, their church family too...and you will keep in touch. He will be ok. You will too! ::smile::
I agree, I have seen so many parents put heavy burdens on their children in all sorts of ways. We don't have children for ourselves, we have them to be their own people, have a spouse, children etc and have their own lives. For many that will mean moving away, for work, for their spouse, to live in a nicer place, somewhere where the cost of living is less etc.
: chosenone Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 17:15:55
Its not as if you live round the corner now is it, you live a fair drive away as it is. So in that way he cant be that dependant on you for company because you can't spend that much time with him due to your jobs. He has his wife for company, and a step daughter nearby, and friends and church family. Most churches have groups for the older people as well.
My husband's older son lives in OZ. He has no issues at all with that. We are happy for him that he has made a good life out there. Neither of us ever wants to make our children feel guilty or burdened. I have always felt that way.
: MeMyself Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 17:05:05
Then, I do want to apologize for the unkind judgements against your wife made by some on the board.
I agree...I think its time to go. Your father will be ok...
Just make sure you learn from this overwhelming burden you feel...and do your best to never put your own kids under such feelings of crushing obligation as well; that will make your struggle now worth it...knowing that you are going to offer them freedom where you felt a yoke of slavery. ::smile::
God bless you in this...I know it will not be easy to tell him your decision, but as I said earlier, he is not alone. His good wife, who cares well for him and his step daughter are there, their church family too...and you will keep in touch. He will be ok. You will too! ::smile::
Thank you both for the kind words and the encouragement. My spirit resonates with this, and I feel a peace about it for the first time in a long time. You have helped me.
I am going to move forward with this plan, but I'll keep praying and listening to the Lord, willing to bail out, if He so directs.
Mike, there's a question you didn't answer earlier that I'm curious about.
Are there other relatives living near your daughter and her family? Not that they could take your place, but just wondering if the grandkids have another set of grandparents living nearby and seeing them often.
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 17:03:23
1 Timothy 5:8 seems to imply that your immediate household takes precedence "But if anyone does not provide for his own family, especially for his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Wouldn't this mean my wife and children? It's certainly not conclusive, but I makes me lean that way. And, I would still provide for my dad by coming out all of the time and spending more time with him than I do now because I will stay several days. Right now, I make the drive out there every 4 to 6 weeks and only spend a few hours. If I fly in to stay, I will spend days several times a year.
Your children are not your immediate household if they have married and moved on any more than your father is.
: MeMyself Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 17:05:05
Then, I do want to apologize for the unkind judgements against your wife made by some on the board.
I agree...I think its time to go. Your father will be ok...
Just make sure you learn from this overwhelming burden you feel...and do your best to never put your own kids under such feelings of crushing obligation as well; that will make your struggle now worth it...knowing that you are going to offer them freedom where you felt a yoke of slavery. ::smile::
God bless you in this...I know it will not be easy to tell him your decision, but as I said earlier, he is not alone. His good wife, who cares well for him and his step daughter are there, their church family too...and you will keep in touch. He will be ok. You will too! ::smile::
1. Don't apologize for others.
2. Point out which statements are unkind. If you are going to be judgmental, name names or don't say anything at all.
I submit the following is the reasons why the wife has sinned: Implication by OP that wife is threatening to leave and not truly respecting her husband.
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 21:11:36
I really want to move out there to watch my grand children grow up and she does too. I don't think she would ever really leave me, but she is heartbroken every time we get a video and see how much the kids have grown up without us.
: Mike350 Fri Mar 30, 2018 - 20:41:55
I wish my wife was on board with me staying. This situation is putting quite a strain on our marriage as she feels that I am putting my dad ahead of the needs of the rest of my family.
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 17:23:11
Thank you both for the kind words and the encouragement. My spirit resonates with this, and I feel a peace about it for the first time in a long time. You have helped me.
I am going to move forward with this plan, but I'll keep praying and listening to the Lord, willing to bail out, if He so directs.
Peace from God is a good sign that something is right. Keep close to Him and all will be well.
: chosenone Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 21:50:57
Peace from God is a good sign that something is right. Keep close to Him and all will be well.
Peace is not always from God.
Like God's Word says:
"There is a way which seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death." - Proverbs 14:12
: Texas Conservative Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 21:57:27
Peace is not always from God.
Like God's Word says:
"There is a way which seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death." - Proverbs 14:12
Agree, but having walked with the Lord for 45 years, I have learned to tell the difference most of the time. I could be wrong, I don't think so, but I am still listening for that still small voice to show me what to do. Believe me, there is serious prayer going up about this, and I refuse to step out of the will of my wonderful Heavenly Father. If He says to stay, I'm staying put.
I appreciate your input, even if you are not saying what I want to hear, because you might be the voice of God in this case. I'm open and I know I will do the right thing because I'm surrendered to His will and listening. You all have been a tremendous help.
I will not abandon my dad. Right now, I only see him every 4 to 6 weeks and then only visit for a few hours. That's all I'm able to manage in my situation, 3 jobs, living almost 2 hours away. If we move to Charlotte, I will fly back almost that often and spend several days with him. After selling my assets in overpriced California, I can retire quite comfortably and have money and time to spend with him. I will also arrange for all of his, and his wife's emergency needs to be taken care of. I already call him several times a week and that will not stop. He often complains that we talk so much we have run out of subjects. LOL.
Thank you, Texas Conservative and bless you for caring enough to confront. My family is originally from Dumas.
: Mike350 Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 22:24:55
Agree, but having walked with the Lord for 45 years, I have learned to tell the difference most of the time. I could be wrong, I don't think so, but I am still listening for that still small voice to show me what to do. Believe me, there is serious prayer going up about this, and I refuse to step out of the will of my wonderful Heavenly Father. If He says to stay, I'm staying put.
I appreciate your input, even if you are not saying what I want to hear, because you might be the voice of God in this case. I'm open and I know I will do the right thing because I'm surrendered to His will and listening. You all have been a tremendous help.
I will not abandon my dad. Right now, I only see him every 4 to 6 weeks and then only visit for a few hours. That's all I'm able to manage in my situation, 3 jobs, living almost 2 hours away. If we move to Charlotte, I will fly back almost that often and spend several days with him. After selling my assets in overpriced California, I can retire quite comfortably and have money and time to spend with him. I will also arrange for all of his, and his wife's emergency needs to be taken care of. I already call him several times a week and that will not stop. He often complains that we talk so much we have run out of subjects. LOL.
Thank you, Texas Conservative and bless you for caring enough to confront. My family is originally from Dumas.
As you say, when you have followed God for so many years you can recognise when that peace comes from God or not. Its not the same as what many in the world think of as peace, its a deep inner assurance. We moved nearly 2 years ago to another part of the UK, and we looked at many areas before we had peace about where we should go. When we saw our house the same happened. We just knew it was the house God had for us, despite the fact that 2 more families had already made an offer and another was also interested. The assurance and peace was unmistakable. The other couples withdrew and the house was ours.
He will not be suffering by you moving.
God Bless.
: mommydi Sat Mar 31, 2018 - 19:58:25
Mike, there's a question you didn't answer earlier that I'm curious about.
Are there other relatives living near your daughter and her family? Not that they could take your place, but just wondering if the grandkids have another set of grandparents living nearby and seeing them often.
They are all alone in North Carolina. They moved from California to Matthews NC less than a year ago. My daughter has a newborn and a 3 year old. Her husband has to be gone a lot for his work, so she really needs some help, especially with the 3 year old. They love us because we don't meddle, we just help. We let them live their own lives and just try to be there when they need us. Baby sitting is a great help and a joy to us, things like that.
One key component is that I am personally much happier out there and not just because of the kids. I love the countryside and the people. I think that the Lord puts the desire in our hearts when he wants us to do something, and I really want to go.