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My husband and I have been married less than 4 months and things are already falling apart. I feel like he has no respect for me or even appreciates anything that I do for him or the children. (3 kids, 2 his and 1 mine)  He treats me like I am child most of the time and talks down to me.  Almost anything I say is wrong or stupid. I was talking about wanting to buy my toddler a little people's nativity set for Christmas and he told me that she couldn't have it because he didn't want Christmas in his house all year long, yet he claims to be a Christian. Another thing recently, I had an accident and burned myself. My mother took me to urgent care to have it looked at. Even weeks later after all is healed and back to normal, he calls me stupid and weak for going to the doctor for a first degree burn. We are not rich by any means, but I would not consider us truly poor either. We are not starving and the bills get paid every month. But he claims that we don't have the money for me to go the doctor and that I should have just suffered through it. He seems to have no sympathy, compassion or mercy for me at all. It really makes me question whether he loves me at all. We have not been intimate in weeks mostly because he is always tired. I am feeling unwanted and completely unloved. I am trying to keep my head up and not let all of this get me down. I try to pray more and study the word more, but it is really hard. I am not saying that I am perfect in any way, but I do try to be a good Christian wife. How do I get through to him before I lose myself and our marriage altogether?

Quote from: TXGirl on Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 15:15:14
My husband and I have been married less than 4 months and things are already falling apart. I feel like he has no respect for me or even appreciates anything that I do for him or the children. (3 kids, 2 his and 1 mine)  He treats me like I am child most of the time and talks down to me.  Almost anything I say is wrong or stupid. I was talking about wanting to buy my toddler a little people's nativity set for Christmas and he told me that she couldn't have it because he didn't want Christmas in his house all year long, yet he claims to be a Christian. Another thing recently, I had an accident and burned myself. My mother took me to urgent care to have it looked at. Even weeks later after all is healed and back to normal, he calls me stupid and weak for going to the doctor for a first degree burn. We are not rich by any means, but I would not consider us truly poor either. We are not starving and the bills get paid every month. But he claims that we don't have the money for me to go the doctor and that I should have just suffered through it. He seems to have no sympathy, compassion or mercy for me at all. It really makes me question whether he loves me at all. We have not been intimate in weeks mostly because he is always tired. I am feeling unwanted and completely unloved. I am trying to keep my head up and not let all of this get me down. I try to pray more and study the word more, but it is really hard. I am not saying that I am perfect in any way, but I do try to be a good Christian wife. How do I get through to him before I lose myself and our marriage altogether?

I feel for you, TXGirl. Was you husband quite different (and loving) to you at an earlier time? I think that you should talk to your minister and/or a counselor and tell them everything that is going on between you and your husband. Your husband needs to know that if he does not shown more compassion and concern (in other words, love) for you, he is in real danger of losing you for justified reasons. God does not want you to be condemned to a long, long life of utter unhappiness with him, I don't think, if he doesn't change and come around. But do what you can to save the marriage (which will require his cooperation, of course). 

I wish you the best of luck in any outcome.

   I have to ask the obvious, Why did you marry this guy? Do you both belong to a good church? You say that he claims to be a believer, but did you see evidence of this before you married?  Did he pray with you and read his Bible?. Did he talk about his faith?  I am wondering if you married him rather too quickly.

This is probably fixable, but you should to talk with a pastor or counselor with your husband. When you talk with him about this what does he say? Does he realize this could destroy your love and marriage?

Books may also help if you can find a christian book that speaks to you. Check out your local or online book stores.

There are problems with both love and respect.
Using a counselor as an ally/intermediary is likely your only hope short of miracle.  Occasionally a pastor or elder will confront a man in the church about his behavior.
His behavior is characteristic of someone who is controlling.  This may lead to abuse and neglect in certain situations.  Do you know his past?  Why did past relationships end for him?

Quote from: TXGirl on Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 15:15:14
My husband and I have been married less than 4 months and things are already falling apart. I feel like he has no respect for me or even appreciates anything that I do for him or the children. (3 kids, 2 his and 1 mine)  He treats me like I am child most of the time and talks down to me.  Almost anything I say is wrong or stupid. I was talking about wanting to buy my toddler a little people's nativity set for Christmas and he told me that she couldn't have it because he didn't want Christmas in his house all year long, yet he claims to be a Christian. Another thing recently, I had an accident and burned myself. My mother took me to urgent care to have it looked at. Even weeks later after all is healed and back to normal, he calls me stupid and weak for going to the doctor for a first degree burn. We are not rich by any means, but I would not consider us truly poor either. We are not starving and the bills get paid every month. But he claims that we don't have the money for me to go the doctor and that I should have just suffered through it. He seems to have no sympathy, compassion or mercy for me at all. It really makes me question whether he loves me at all. We have not been intimate in weeks mostly because he is always tired. I am feeling unwanted and completely unloved. I am trying to keep my head up and not let all of this get me down. I try to pray more and study the word more, but it is really hard. I am not saying that I am perfect in any way, but I do try to be a good Christian wife. How do I get through to him before I lose myself and our marriage altogether?

The fruit of the Spirit is love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Gal 5:22-23)

What I'm going to say, I say it only for the glory of God and as a sister in Christ with love.

Your marriage is going to be difficult for quite some time as it is a blending of not just two adults but also blending of children too. You've probably been on your own for sometime and he too (I've been there myself and we still haven't attained perfection but it has gotten better after five years.) I'm going to suggest you write Gal 5:22-23 down and stick it all over the house for you to see and maybe hubby/kids will come across it too. Be strong in the Lord putting on the full armor of God. (Eph 6:10-11)

You're probably thinking what did I do? Did I marry the wrong person? Is there any hope left? I believe this is normal for some people when blending families if we don't have the right tools to make it work. Well, I believe the tools are in that verse mentioned above. Their not easy to use because of our humaness but the glorious, compassionate Father we have gave us the greatest Counselor and teacher of all if we would just listen!

Honey you're not going to change hubby. If you allow yourself to be the student and Him/Holy Spirit the Teacher, He will change you into a compassionate, forgiving, peaceful, patient, kind, good, failthful, gentle, and self-controlled wife. And in return this could win your husband over and could possibly help to get results out of him like mentioned in the verse above. You also mentioned you didn't want to lose yourself. I understand, I have felt that way too until I understood what God wanted from me and my husband in our marriage. We are to become one with eachother and boy it can be difficult.

I can't stress enough this very important detail, divorce is not an option unless he's abusing you or kids physically or unfaithful. So your mind set has to change. When he upsets you, lets you down over and over, seems like he wants to control you, you have to tell yourself my love for him is patient, is kind, is gentle, is peaceful, etc. no matter what his behavior towards you. He' a work in progress too, ask God to let you see him the way He does, to have mercy on him like He does and most of all forgive your husband not because he deserves it but because this will glorify the Father. Your marriage should glorify God and this will never be perfectly attained by us mere humans but God knows your heart.

You mentioned you didn't want to lose yourself. C.S. Lewis puts it this way and I really think it glorifies our God so I'll share it.

"Christ says 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked--the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: My own will shall become yours.'...

I hope and pray for the glory of God because I know He is a compassionate and merciful God that you will love you husband and his children through the eyes of Christ. Others may advise you to seek counseling. I'm not an advocate for counseling I'm an advocat for letting the Master be our Counselor, He is willing but as mentioned above He will not accept half measures so be careful who you seek out for counseling!

I thank you for sharing your story as I have sat her and written this by leading of my Teacher I in turn have learned much too about my own marriage and joyfully am weeping.

God bless and peace to you and yours.

Cat

Welocome to the board.  I am sorry that your marrige is going badly.  Just an observation.  If you are young and he has been to tired I would suspect one of a number of things.  1. He could be having an affair.  2. He may not be strait 3. Something may have happened that caused him to question his performance with you. . 4.He could have a physical problem.  Just not a good sign for a 4 month old marriage.  He sounds like a control freak.   

Unfortunately all of your husbands actions and attitudes are much less than what Paul explains in Ephesians.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  Eph 5:25

The intimacy will likely walk hand in hand with the love.

Do you attend church, does he read the Bible and pray? Can he give a detailed testimony of when he gave his life over to Christ and how God has transformed him?

It is easy to say you are a Christian without being surrendered to Christ.

Perhaps things aren't interacting exactly as he thought, he is getting frustrated and lashing out.  I don't know from experience but blending families is said to be really hard.  Maybe he is not dealing with the stress by giving it over, trusting God, and working as a partner with you.

I'd suggest to pray specifically for him (you probably already are).  Find a quiet time, tell him you love him, you can see that things are getting stressful for everyone, ask him straight up if he will pray with you, then talk about how you can both work together to make things better.

maybe you should try harder to be, shall we say, altruistic?  instead of thinking in terms of me, me, me, you could ask, how can i make my husband happy? 

Quote from: CatSampson on Thu Sep 20, 2012 - 22:04:58

Quote from: TXGirl on Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 15:15:14
When he upsets you, lets you down over and over, seems like he wants to control you, you have to tell yourself my love for him is patient, is kind, is gentle, is peaceful, etc. no matter what his behavior towards you. He' a work in progress too, ask God to let you see him the way He does, to have mercy on him like He does and most of all forgive your husband not because he deserves it but because this will glorify the Father. Your marriage should glorify God and this will never be perfectly attained by us mere humans but God knows your heart.

I don't agree with this.  Allowing him to behave however he wants and simply respond with kindness and gentleness, is making yourself a doormat.  I am not suggesting you start screaming back, but neither should you just 'lie down' and let him treat you in such an awful way.   

There is a great book by James Dobson, 'Love must be tough' where it talks about this and says that tolerating bad behaviour does not fix anything, it simply enables the bully or the errant spouse to keep on doing it.    Instead, you need healthy boundaries...so (as an example), when the husband starts acting spitefully, you say calmly, 'I will absolutely not allow you to talk to me like that', and you get up and walk out of the room.

That's healthy respect for yourself and is also demonstrating wisdom - and above all, letting him know that it's simply unacceptable.  You don't have to listen to someone constantly putting you down and treating you disrespectfully.

As an aside, and in reference to understanding ulterior motive of posters, Down Syndrome Danny usually posts mean spirited, hateful towards females diatribes, please do a quick search of his posts for verification.  I, or any other member can walk you through how to do so if you like TX.  I say this because your post is asking for help and shows you wish for Godly guidance and wish to be the Christ-following wife of a Christ following husband.

I am also curious why you married him?  But, I do know people change, and they can do so rather drastically!  My own sister met a man in summer of 2011 and married him in April of 2012, he was a devout Christian who seemed the perfect match for her.  Kind, giving, compassionate, they both had children and would make a Brady Bunch of a family, but current style, my sister has a good job that pays well and allows for 20 or so hours a week to work from home.  Within a week of marriage he had pinned her down and beat her.  She has divorced him.  She left her church because he and his family deny the things that police pictures and reports show honestly and have maligned her with her supposed church family :(  I honestly am uncertain whether to be glad I was not there in AZ as I would be in jail or to wish I had just flown down and shot the fool or at least beat him publicly.

Point being, people are adept at hiding their bad side but it is how you deal with it that makes you who you are.  I hope you can salvage your marriage, please pray and pray some more.  Leave if you must, living in a separate home is not divorce and it might give Mr. Controlling Man and you a little perspective ;)

I'm not hateful towards females any more than I am towards males.  Men need to understand as well that the deviations from the Genesis plan for the family has resulted in thousands of years of miseries upon mankind.  Genetically modified foods and continual warfare and widespread sodomy are all the result of men refusing to accept the condition God has put on us:  we shall work by the sweat of our brows!  Any getting around this is just trading pain now for pain later. 

Quote from: fassopony on Sun Sep 23, 2012 - 13:50:36
As an aside, and in reference to understanding ulterior motive of posters, Down Syndrome Danny usually posts mean spirited, hateful towards females diatribes, please do a quick search of his posts for verification.

Actually his mean diatribes are against sex and sexual desires and as a guy, that gets aimed at women. He is not hateful against women per se, but against his desire that gets stirred up by them.  He recently wrote how the  "fraudulent erection" (any sign of arousal) was of the devil.

Quote from: DaveW on Fri Sep 28, 2012 - 07:06:03

Quote from: fassopony on Sun Sep 23, 2012 - 13:50:36
As an aside, and in reference to understanding ulterior motive of posters, Down Syndrome Danny usually posts mean spirited, hateful towards females diatribes, please do a quick search of his posts for verification.

Actually his mean diatribes are against sex and sexual desires and as a guy, that gets aimed at women. He is not hateful against women per se, but against his desire that gets stirred up by them.  He recently wrote how the  "fraudulent erection" (any sign of arousal) was of the devil.

Thanks for clarifying, Dave.

"Genetically modified foods and continual warfare and widespread sodomy are all the result of men refusing to accept the condition God has put on us:  we shall work by the sweat of our brows!"

I'm always baffled by statements like this:

--Where is THAT written in the Bible?  How can you present that as truth?

Quote from: TXGirl on Tue Sep 18, 2012 - 15:15:14
My husband and I have been married less than 4 months and things are already falling apart. I feel like he has no respect for me or even appreciates anything that I do for him or the children. (3 kids, 2 his and 1 mine)  He treats me like I am child most of the time and talks down to me.  Almost anything I say is wrong or stupid. I was talking about wanting to buy my toddler a little people's nativity set for Christmas and he told me that she couldn't have it because he didn't want Christmas in his house all year long, yet he claims to be a Christian. Another thing recently, I had an accident and burned myself. My mother took me to urgent care to have it looked at. Even weeks later after all is healed and back to normal, he calls me stupid and weak for going to the doctor for a first degree burn. We are not rich by any means, but I would not consider us truly poor either. We are not starving and the bills get paid every month. But he claims that we don't have the money for me to go the doctor and that I should have just suffered through it. He seems to have no sympathy, compassion or mercy for me at all. It really makes me question whether he loves me at all. We have not been intimate in weeks mostly because he is always tired. I am feeling unwanted and completely unloved. I am trying to keep my head up and not let all of this get me down. I try to pray more and study the word more, but it is really hard. I am not saying that I am perfect in any way, but I do try to be a good Christian wife. How do I get through to him before I lose myself and our marriage altogether?

He obviously isn't respecting you. He sounds like he has some inner anger that has nothing to do with you. Have you spoke with him about how this makes you feel?  If so, what does he say? Its just a real shame, as marriage should have harmony in it.  When a husband treats his wife in a controlling manner, or parent/child-like, it just makes her resent him for it.    Don't be a doormat. If you allow him to behave this way towards you, why, he will continue to disrespect you.  You need to put your foot down and show him that you aren't going to tolerate this nonsense. I'm sorry your going through this.  Was he always like this?