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Okay, first this is a therapeutic vent for me and second I really need some feedback.

I've been married for 6 years, 3 kids in the marriage, 1 step child, and on top of that I still am in love with her. However, in the past 6 years we physically fight, verbally, and I am tired of it. Today our latest argument, as she has before stated, she is harboring hatred and anger in her heart for me because, when my sister told her she hated our marriage I didn't stand up against my sister. Well, let me give you understanding, first, my sister never said it to me, she said it to her. Second, I addressed this with my sister, and my sister said that she told her that in private and that was not anything she would discuss with me. So, my pastor took it up, and they all three made amends. But, I did address my sister, just not in front of my wife. This to my wife is betrayal.  I have apologized to her, but first off, my wife told me don't say anything to my sister when she told me, but me being in question of why my sister said it I couldn't do anything but confront her. My sister and my wife are fine now. But, my wife has this irreplaceable hatred for me, and she just said she don't love me and don't trust me. That is stupid to me.  I am really hurt. My wife hits me, right now I am presently sore from a recent fight, and I know everyone says don't hit a woman, but I told her, that when she stops giving me black eyes and threatening our kids, then I won't have the need to fight. But, no one sees this they keep saying I am a woman beater, but that's a lie, and my wife knows it too. It hurts, because when I am walking with a black eyes and going to work, and she throws water on me when Im dressed or even holding our baby, because she is upset, what is that? How am I supposed to defend my children, I do believe there is some demons involved, but, I'm sorry, I have prayed, fasted, and we both have had counseled but their has not been deliverance. Marriage counseling together is our last attempt, I can't keep going through this, I am tired. I don't want my kids or me going through this. What do I do?

Your wife has some very, VERY major problems.  I pray counseling will help you both, but if it doesn't be aware that violence toward you could escalate to violence toward the children and you may need to take yourself and them away from that situation legally.

If this woman is beating you and giving you black eyes and being generally abusive, you need to  call the police every time she does it so they can take photos and keep a record, press charges against her and let her feel the consequences of her actions.  If that doesn't make her stop, then you need to  take the children away from that dangerous situation and leave her. No one should ever stay with a spouse who beats them whether they are male or female. The children are being damaged by this horrible violence even if they are not being beaten themselves. Do you honestly want them to have to grow up in this situation and think this is normal behaviour, and probably become like that themselves?
To be honest, I cant believe you are still there, or that you had children with her knowing what she is like.

Once you have taken the children away, she can decide whether she is going to get some serious help, maybe anger management and other types of therapy. You may or may not be able to go back to her depending on what happens, but your first priority has to be to protect the children from this violent and abusive lady.   It would be sensible for you to make a clear record of the violence and beatings and other abuse, and get some legal advise, because she may well accuse you and make it all out to be your fault. 

Do your pastor and church elders know about this? Surely they have all noticed your injuries and bruises? Has no one else advised you to separate?

Yes. We have had several arguments in front of church family and I have called the Pastors several times and they know. They have even made jokes about my black eye one time, which was a little disheartening. But, I know they care, they were trying to make light of the situation, but when I hit her back, then I am the woman beater. She just loses it when she is angry, other wise she is nice. We just had our fourth child, and she sometimes hates motherhood, but then she is protective. I don't know what to do, with her erradict behavior. My step son and I are close, but sometimes she compares me to his dad. I think she has relationship and trust issues.  My Pastor sat me down from ministry and, I even once prayed that God take me down because of my marriage. But, Im tired of sacrificing my calling because she don't want to be saved and she is harboring bitterness and hatred. I love to serve in ministry why should I punish myself and why am I feeling punished because she don't love God and ministry the same....I dont know but I really need relief.

QuoteThey have even made jokes about my black eye one time, which was a little disheartening. But, I know they care, they were trying to make light of the situation, but when I hit her back, then I am the woman beater.

This is not a joking matter, or one that should ever be made "light" of.  Neither should LEADERS be making value judgments about situations they don't view first-hand.

QuoteShe just loses it when she is angry, other wise she is nice.

That's how ALL abusers are.  Your wife has an anger management problem which she needs to address with professional help.

QuoteIm tired of sacrificing my calling because she don't want to be saved and she is harboring bitterness and hatred

Dr. Phil quite rightly says that if you cannot be your authentic self because of a relationship, the price of that relationship is too high. 

Brother, the time is short.  I encourage you to move yourself and your children OUT of this, and again freely pursue your gifts and your calling.  This is not only a serious inhibition to your ministry, it is a very, very poor way to raise your children. 

Your kids will be a LOT better off with one parent who is serving the Lord than where they are now.   If, and when, your wife has sought and COMPLETED a program of anger management aimed at abusers, and the PROFESSIONAL counselor who leads the program agrees that you can be reunited with your wife, you can then, if you wish, seek reconciliation and putting your marriage back together.

In the meantime, go see a lawyer, and find out exactly where you stand, legally.  Take every legal step to protect yourself financially and protect your children.  Seek supervised visitation only until your wife has successfully completed the program and when the professional counselor agrees that it is ok for her to visit them unsupervised.

Quote from: TJW on Thu Feb 13, 2014 - 07:59:47

QuoteThey have even made jokes about my black eye one time, which was a little disheartening. But, I know they care, they were trying to make light of the situation, but when I hit her back, then I am the woman beater.

This is not a joking matter, or one that should ever be made "light" of.  Neither should LEADERS be making value judgments about situations they don't view first-hand.

QuoteShe just loses it when she is angry, other wise she is nice.

That's how ALL abusers are.  Your wife has an anger management problem which she needs to address with professional help.

QuoteIm tired of sacrificing my calling because she don't want to be saved and she is harboring bitterness and hatred

Dr. Phil quite rightly says that if you cannot be your authentic self because of a relationship, the price of that relationship is too high. 

Brother, the time is short.  I encourage you to move yourself and your children OUT of this, and again freely pursue your gifts and your calling.  This is not only a serious inhibition to your ministry, it is a very, very poor way to raise your children. 

Your kids will be a LOT better off with one parent who is serving the Lord than where they are now.   If, and when, your wife has sought and COMPLETED a program of anger management aimed at abusers, and the PROFESSIONAL counselor who leads the program agrees that you can be reunited with your wife, you can then, if you wish, seek reconciliation and putting your marriage back together.

In the meantime, go see a lawyer, and find out exactly where you stand, legally.  Take every legal step to protect yourself financially and protect your children.  Seek supervised visitation only until your wife has successfully completed the program and when the professional counselor agrees that it is ok for her to visit them unsupervised.

I agree with this 100%, and is echoes what I advised. You are making excuses for this serious abuser. All abusers seem 'nice' when they are not abusing. Do you honestly think that if it were YOU giving HER black eyes that they would make light of it??? Do you actually think they would advise her to stay if that were the case? Quite honestly I am appalled that they haven't told you to leave with the children or told her that she must leave.  I have no idea why you keep on having children and bringing them into that awful abusive home. The church leaders should be reporting her to the authorities. In the UK they would have to do that by law if they knew of abuse in the family.   

She can only beat you if you allow it. By leaving her and demanding that she get professional help, you are telling her that this is totally unacceptable and that you will no longer tolerate it. Your first priority is to your children. They are being damaged by growing up with this abuse all round them. They will think its the norm and may well become abusers themselves or become the abused. Is that what you want?

If she hates motherhood, then why does she keep on having them? Its mad. Nothing will change unless you act. 

Gambit how can you be a light unto the world with all this going on? I'm not judging you but step back and think about it. Do you want the world to think this is the right example of a christian family? Your wife needs help and sometimes the only way for someone like her to see it is through somewhat drastic action. You should take the kids and leave or better yet she should leave. The physical abuse will only escalate. Do the children need to be exposed to this? You have to do right by them.

Quote from: loyallad on Thu Feb 13, 2014 - 14:14:14
Gambit how can you be a light unto the world with all this going on?

This is my biggest problem. How can I be a light in my house. I am hurt. My body even as I speak is sore from a recent fight where I held her for 30minutes to calm her down and sent the kids in the room. She was upset when I snatched our daughter from her after she called her retarded, because she pulled some of her hair out. I was silent with her yelling at her until she called her a name, then I told her that she could not abuse our daughter, but she said watch me. We were both fighting over my daughter, and she said she would break her arm. I let her go, she spanked her and then I told her to stop, and we fought, she sent my step son to get a knife, I told him to go in the room, our children were crying and it was nerve wrecking, but I had to pin her to the ground after she had nearly killed me and spat on my SOOOO many times. It was awful. My body can't take it anymore. But, then 2 days later, she acts like it's nothing and she says I need to pay her attention. It's always my fault. Im staying because I love her, and I know my children need me. I don't want to be another statistic and have a divorce. I want her delivered. My pastor called me a woman beater because I fight my wife back. But, I told them and her, that if I will stop hitting her when she stops bullying us. One day just driving I was singing and praying and she sped up and told me if I didn't shut up she would kill me and my children in the car. She ran into a fence. I said the name of Jesus, and she popped me in the mouth. I tell church people and they really think you will get over it, yall just have to grow up. She has tried anger management with Pastor and she just really has an issue. What happened to a saving husband sanctifying his wife, when does the sanctification step in. We go 3 months and so without having sex. I'm starting to feel like I should just give up on ministry and it hurts.

Quote from: Gambit14 on Thu Feb 13, 2014 - 17:33:40

Quote from: loyallad on Thu Feb 13, 2014 - 14:14:14
Gambit how can you be a light unto the world with all this going on?

This is my biggest problem. How can I be a light in my house. I am hurt. My body even as I speak is sore from a recent fight where I held her for 30minutes to calm her down and sent the kids in the room. She was upset when I snatched our daughter from her after she called her retarded, because she pulled some of her hair out. I was silent with her yelling at her until she called her a name, then I told her that she could not abuse our daughter, but she said watch me. We were both fighting over my daughter, and she said she would break her arm. I let her go, she spanked her and then I told her to stop, and we fought, she sent my step son to get a knife, I told him to go in the room, our children were crying and it was nerve wrecking, but I had to pin her to the ground after she had nearly killed me and spat on my SOOOO many times. It was awful. My body can't take it anymore. But, then 2 days later, she acts like it's nothing and she says I need to pay her attention. It's always my fault. Im staying because I love her, and I know my children need me. I don't want to be another statistic and have a divorce. I want her delivered. My pastor called me a woman beater because I fight my wife back. But, I told them and her, that if I will stop hitting her when she stops bullying us. One day just driving I was singing and praying and she sped up and told me if I didn't shut up she would kill me and my children in the car. She ran into a fence. I said the name of Jesus, and she popped me in the mouth. I tell church people and they really think you will get over it, yall just have to grow up. She has tried anger management with Pastor and she just really has an issue. What happened to a saving husband sanctifying his wife, when does the sanctification step in. We go 3 months and so without having sex. I'm starting to feel like I should just give up on ministry and it hurts.

I almost cant believe that you are for real. Do you ACTUALLY think that separating from her is worse then the horror and fear these kids are going through every day? Unbelievable. So what that you love her, she is an abusive lady who isn't going to stop until you act. She is choosing to act the way she is, you cant blame this on evil spirits, and believe that magically if she has prayer she will stop. We all have a choice, she doesn't have to act this way, but she knows that you will so NOTHING about it. You can let her beat you if you wish,  but as a father it is your responsibility to save those children from that appalling violent situation they are forced to live in. What is worse is that despite her not liking being a mother, you both carry on bringing more poor children into that home. I have no idea why you married her, or why you keep on having children with an abusive women, those things were bad mistakes.

I cant believe that you are worried about your ministry when those kids are being abused and treated so badly. Unbelievable. If my spouse was doing  to me and my children what yours is, I would have been gone years ago.
We have told you that you need to either tell her to leave or take the kids yourself and go. She is an appalling mother and those kids are being abused and damaged and you are doing NOTHING about it. I also cant believe that no one has reported her to the authorities. Those kids need to be protected from further abuse. I mean, she beat a little girl out of spite toward you, threatened to break her arm and then told her son to go and get a knife??? What more do you need her to do before you do something, actually break her arm?? Stab you? Stab one of the children???Get them away from there now, before one of you gets severely hurt or even killed. Get legal advise and be a good father and do what a father is supposed to do and protect those children.   

Wow this had made me feel so angry and so desperately sorry for those children whose mother is abusing them and whose father(you)are enabling her to. Those kids would be far far happier and safer in a home with one non abusive parent, that a home with such behaviour and violence going on all the time. They must live in constant fear and anxiety and it will be badly damaging them emotionally. They will grow up damaged and maybe even abusive themselves, and you are worried about a divorce?

As for her going to the pastor for anger management, really??? What good will that do? She needs to go for long term treatment with a professional for her abusive and anger issues. That church and its leaders sounds completely useless. I know that my church leaders would take it very seriously and would have acted long ago to make sure those children were safe from abuse.

I pray that someone will actually act to protect these children, and if you aren't going to, that someone else will, and you may end up having those kids taken into care if you don't do something.

What a terrible dysfunctional family those poor kids are seeing.

You can be a light by showing those children that this sort of behaviour is totally wrong and  unacceptable, and that you will not live with mum again until she has had treatment to stop it. If that ever happens. Until then show them a loving peaceful and calm home with no threats to break their arms, no violent fighting between their parents, no threats to get a knife, no one calling them a retard.

In reply to why we keep having children, I have always loved kids and before I met her her baby father abused her and did not want children from her other than the one child my step child. I thought when we got together, I would help heal her from this past hurt and me and her both would love our children together. But, each pregnancy and child is more bitterness. I even thought of abortion this last time..pains me to admit that. Because I didn't want no more coming from her.

Quote from: Gambit14 on Thu Feb 13, 2014 - 18:10:07
In reply to why we keep having children, I have always loved kids and before I met her her baby father abused her and did not want children from her other than the one child my step child. I thought when we got together, I would help heal her from this past hurt and me and her both would love our children together. But, each pregnancy and child is more bitterness. I even thought of abortion this last time..pains me to admit that. Because I didn't want no more coming from her.

Have you never heard of birth control? A vasectomy?

I fear for those children because I very much fear you will do nothing and will keep on making excuses.   You are the only one who can do the right thing and take them away from that serious abuse and violence. By doing nothing you are just as responsible for the abuse as she is, because you are enabling it.

While thanks  for your passion and concern for my children, however, I do love them and as their father I do not enable them to be abused. I step in as much as possible and when I sense they are in harm's way I remove them from the situation. I take much of the abuse not them. First, I am in no way more concerned about my calling and ministry than my family. My family is my ministry. Secondly, it's hard to walk away from someone you love and a step son also. Ive had him since he was a toddler I can't leave him. If I don't stay for no one else believe me it's for the children. No one believes me that she is the way she is, but family and church. However, everyone 's answer is it's gonna get better. "Yall are just going through a phase" "You have to love her as Christ loved the church" I am not a perfect husband maybe I could clean more and do dishes more, I don't know but I can't continue to live unhappily. She tells me she is sorry, but then she says I am the one provoking her to anger. My pastor said separate once, but as a consequence I was looked down upon I felt, and it was just unhealthy for the children and family as well. I did not have a vasectomy because she kept saying she wanted to have my kids, but when she pregnant she acts like it's her worse thing in life, and then the kids come and she says, they are yours you take care of them. It's like a split personality. That's why I say it is the devil, she is just not who I married.

Quote from: Gambit14 on Thu Feb 13, 2014 - 19:05:11
While thanks  for your passion and concern for my children, however, I do love them and as their father I do not enable them to be abused. I step in as much as possible and when I sense they are in harm's way I remove them from the situation. I take much of the abuse not them. First, I am in no way more concerned about my calling and ministry than my family. My family is my ministry. Secondly, it's hard to walk away from someone you love and a step son also. Ive had him since he was a toddler I can't leave him. If I don't stay for no one else believe me it's for the children. No one believes me that she is the way she is, but family and church. However, everyone 's answer is it's gonna get better. "Yall are just going through a phase" "You have to love her as Christ loved the church" I am not a perfect husband maybe I could clean more and do dishes more, I don't know but I can't continue to live unhappily. She tells me she is sorry, but then she says I am the one provoking her to anger. My pastor said separate once, but as a consequence I was looked down upon I felt, and it was just unhealthy for the children and family as well. I did not have a vasectomy because she kept saying she wanted to have my kids, but when she pregnant she acts like it's her worse thing in life, and then the kids come and she says, they are yours you take care of them. It's like a split personality. That's why I say it is the devil, she is just not who I married.

So you think its not going to damage them seeing YOU being beaten and abused? Its not going to make them think that this is normal behaviour in a family? That its ok to beat someone and that there are no real, consequenses?  Their own mother is beating them in anger and rage and threatening to break their arms. She IS abusing them, cant you see that? Who cares what others say or see or think, report her to the police every time she beats you. Ring a battered women refuge and ask them for someone to speak to about battered man and their children. Take photos and keep records. Get legal advise. Go to the authorities if you have to and tell them what is going on so that they will back you. 

Of course its not easy separating because of abuse, I did it myself 14 years ago from my ex husband because of abuse, but my children come first always .I had to protect them. I was the only adult they had who would act. Thank God I did.  There is no way that I would knowingly let them either BE abused, or SEE abuse. Yours are both experiencing it and seeing it all the time. I asked no one else's opinion when I told him to leave, because my only thought was for the children, I didn't care what anyone else thought or said and nor should you.   

Its separating until she gets proper long term treatment for her anger and violence. She then has a choice to get help or remain apart. Please don't let this carry on into another generation, because it will believe me, unless you stand up for yourself and the children now.   

She is who you married, she just hid it well. The devil cant force us to do anything, that's just an excuse. No one suddenly changes from a nice decent person into a serious violent abuser just like that.

Gambit, I understand your concern for the children and the fear of leaving your stepson in her hands if you take your own children and leave.  It's a nasty situation, but you are making excuses for her behavior and doing what a lot of victims end up doing -- trying to accept blame for yourself for what she is doing.  SHE is responsible for her actions, not you.  If she will not go into counseling then you MUST protect what children you can and ask social services what to do about your stepson.  Staying in this situation is dangerous and she is NOT going to get better on her own.  The reactions you have been getting from church, friends, etc. is amazing and sad.  That does not remove your responsibility to protect your children, however.

QuoteNo one believes me that she is the way she is, but family and church. However, everyone 's answer is it's gonna get better. "Yall are just going through a phase" "You have to love her as Christ loved the church"

The phrases "blind guides" and "make them twice the child of hell as yourselves" and "you pay tithes of mint and cumin, but omit the weightier matters"  and "strain at gnats, but swallow camels" are those that come to my mind.

You need to not only leave your wife, you need to find another church.  One where this horse dung won't be taught to your children. 

QuoteShe tells me she is sorry, but then she says I am the one provoking her to anger.

This is a another quote from Abuser 101. 

QuoteNo one suddenly changes from a nice decent person into a serious violent abuser just like that.

Right.  And no one suddenly changes from a serious violent abuser into a nice decent person just "like that", either.
It takes a whole lot more than "being loved as Christ loved the church" and "anger management with the pastor", too.

The time is coming.  Left without legal and professional intervention, it ESCALATES.  You, or one of your children is going to be seriously maimed or killed.   Get them, and yourself, away from her.  Get a lawyer, and get every protection afforded you and them by the law.

TJW is right, abusers will nearly always blame the victims.
He is also right that you need to find a decent church with people who actually CARE that you and the children are being abused, and who will Biblically challenge her on her appalling behaviour. NO ONE is standing up to her and telling her that this needs to stop now, or she will loose her whole family.
What do your own parents and family think of the way she abuses you and the children?

If you were in my church, she would have been reported to the authorities long ago. We have strict child protection policies in the churches here in the UK, and if you weren't acting to protect the children, you would be reported as well. At the very least the children would be put on the child protection register and possibly removed from you.

My family doesn't know. They have seen us argue, however no one would believe me. They see her as this sweet loveable person, and coming from the fact that my mom and grandmother were in abusive relationships, I already know that this is something they would not say leave because they stayed and raised their children in it. Which is frightening of how in the world or rather church did I get in one. She talked to me on Valentine's about our fight after I broke it up, and she said she wasn't gonna break her arm I should have just let her whip my daughter. But, corporal punishment is not my issue, its the way she does it and the strength behind her hits. She said to me she loves me, but I don't help around the house enough. I am really starting to be bitter with my church hence why I started this blog, because I can't talk to no one. The men all think oh you will be alright we all got crazy wives and the women say you not a man if you hit back and you a woman beater. I have never beat any woman in any of my prior relationships so to fight my wife back hurts me..but what else can I do. I still love her. I asked her is she saved, she said she don't know. She told me on Valentine's that if I left her that no judge would give my kids too me and that I don't have any proof. She said they would just laugh at me. I know my church family loves me they just don't understand the extremity they even told me I was too emotional because I couldn't come to church as a minister and feel like praising God because I was hurt over our marriage. I just can't do it  anymore. I give to God. I worship. I pray and I believe..so Why me? The worse part my pastor even said that if I would hit my wife, i would hit any other woman in the church.. ...It has really caused me to kind of just become an introvert spiritually and only am I alive with my kids. Last year, I contemplated suicide, I will never go down that road again. But, it's difficult living in two different worlds. Sorry just being real.

Quote from: Gambit14 on Sat Feb 15, 2014 - 13:40:00
My family doesn't know. They have seen us argue, however no one would believe me. They see her as this sweet loveable person, and coming from the fact that my mom and grandmother were in abusive relationships, I already know that this is something they would not say leave because they stayed and raised their children in it. Which is frightening of how in the world or rather church did I get in one. She talked to me on Valentine's about our fight after I broke it up, and she said she wasn't gonna break her arm I should have just let her whip my daughter. But, corporal punishment is not my issue, its the way she does it and the strength behind her hits. She said to me she loves me, but I don't help around the house enough. I am really starting to be bitter with my church hence why I started this blog, because I can't talk to no one. The men all think oh you will be alright we all got crazy wives and the women say you not a man if you hit back and you a woman beater. I have never beat any woman in any of my prior relationships so to fight my wife back hurts me..but what else can I do. I still love her. I asked her is she saved, she said she don't know. She told me on Valentine's that if I left her that no judge would give my kids too me and that I don't have any proof. She said they would just laugh at me. I know my church family loves me they just don't understand the extremity they even told me I was too emotional because I couldn't come to church as a minister and feel like praising God because I was hurt over our marriage. I just can't do it  anymore. I give to God. I worship. I pray and I believe..so Why me? The worse part my pastor even said that if I would hit my wife, i would hit any other woman in the church.. ...It has really caused me to kind of just become an introvert spiritually and only am I alive with my kids. Last year, I contemplated suicide, I will never go down that road again. But, it's difficult living in two different worlds. Sorry just being real.

Don't your family even notice that you have bruises and black eyes?

Having read what you just told us, and in answer to your question of why.  Well its because you are clearly used to abusive relationships in your family, so you think its pretty normal to marry a non Christian lady who is a manipulative and controlling abuser. You don't leave her because you think its somehow 'not that serious' to be regularly beaten up, and to have your children be physically beaten and verbally abused, and threatened with more and more violence. 
You should have left her long ago, you should not even have married a non believer, but instead you stayed and kept on bringing children into that abusive horrible situation despite seeing the way she treated her children and totally resented being a mother. So basically you have made bad choices and bad decisions that have bought you to this point. Right now you are enabling her terrible behaviour by saying that you love her, or that she is nice 'most of the time'(when she isn't punching your lights out presumably), well I am sure Hitler was nice most of the time, if you get my meaning.

You are the only one who can act and stop this. Keep detailed records of what happens. Write down when and what she does and says, and take photos of any injures on yourself or the children. Call the police when she badly attacks you so they have a record, and go to the doctors or hospital with injuries that you or the children have so that they also have a record.
Get legal advise, and tell the lawyer what you are doing with keeping a detailed record, and ask what he can advise you to do about separating and taking the children away from this danger.. Also ring a battered woman's refuge, and ask them for help to contact an organisation for battered fathers and their children. I am sure they will be able to give good advise on what you should do. We have told you all this before, but you are the only one who can act to stop this.
Most people would have sensibly left when she first started getting violent with you, especially with your family back ground and experiences of abuse.

  By the way your pastor is useless. You need to find a decent church. There is surely nothing wrong with defending yourself if someone is beating you up.

My first black eye came because she had earrings in my daughter's ear at 2 and I said take them out, I began taking them out when she didn't. I was sitting beside my grandmother, and she popped me a hard one right in the eye. My grandmother told me don't fight her. and was screaming at me. I left my own family house as a loser and I was the one hit. She has broken glass over my head and her sister and brother in law were right in the house. The only one who tried to stand up for me was my sister and that's the one she hates.

Quote from: Gambit14 on Sat Feb 15, 2014 - 14:28:41
My first black eye came because she had earrings in my daughter's ear at 2 and I said take them out, I began taking them out when she didn't. I was sitting beside my grandmother, and she popped me a hard one right in the eye. My grandmother told me don't fight her. and was screaming at me. I left my own family house as a loser and I was the one hit. She has broken glass over my head and her sister and brother in law were right in the house. The only one who tried to stand up for me was my sister and that's the one she hates.

Wow well the whole family is clearly just as dysfunctional as she is. I feel for you, because no one seems to care that you or the children are being treated so appallingly. I would be horrified if one of my children or grandchildren were being treated like that, and I would call the police myself if needed.  What she does to you is serious assault, and maybe if the police came a few times and saw your injuries, and she got arrested and charged a few times, she may come to her senses, and she may decide to stop(because she can stop if she wants to). The thing is that she is acting like this and there have been no consequences to her actions so far, so why does she need to stop? 
Have you ever told her that if she doesn't stop beating you and the children you will end the marriage?

Of course. Just yesterday, she says she has even thought of separation. But, her whole thing is she wants the kids. I told her No. She can't have them. I could not afford to pay for 4 kids on child support. I love her, but she is very vindictive.

I will probably delete this thread soon so thanks for everyone's advise you can inbox me. I just don't want anyone familiar to me to pop up on this thread. It's hurt ful for a community of people to believe you are hitting your wife and your wife is actually hitting you and causing you to defend you and your children. It's like....and you can't explain it even though you and your children have had bruises. Cause I was too busy thinking she is gonna be alright..and she cooks, cleans, works, No sex, but can't control her temper. I thought her having my kids would have made her love me after her prior emotionally abusive boyfriend and growing up in a home herself with an abusive father, but no. She just is acting out learned behavior and we are receiving the penalty. I don't even have a brother or friend here I can talk too or go to house. Hence why I am online. But, thanks for your concern keep us in prayer.

My pastor told us that Christians don't call the police. He says we are to handle things in house saying how can we judge the world if we can't judge one another. I have called them before and my pastor told me to send them away, so I did. I have run the police down and they told me I couldn't put her out. I was told if I hit my wife again I would no longer be a minister in my church. What will I tell my kids and how embarassing was that to be called out in a congregation and my wife never tell the truth. I never just hit her she says I provoke her to anger, the Bible says anger and sin not. How do I cause you to sin because you angry? For a while i did not even defend myself, I am just tired..and even while on this post and reading I have cried several times..I feel less than a man..this relationship is really destroying my confidence self esteem and so much. She is just...a lovely person at times but other times...it is just hell.

Quote from: Gambit14 on Sat Feb 15, 2014 - 14:52:03
My pastor told us that Christians don't call the police. He says we are to handle things in house saying how can we judge the world if we can't judge one another. I have called them before and my pastor told me to send them away, so I did. I have run the police down and they told me I couldn't put her out. I was told if I hit my wife again I would no longer be a minister in my church. What will I tell my kids and how embarassing was that to be called out in a congregation and my wife never tell the truth. I never just hit her she says I provoke her to anger, the Bible says anger and sin not. How do I cause you to sin because you angry? For a while i did not even defend myself, I am just tired..and even while on this post and reading I have cried several times..I feel less than a man..this relationship is really destroying my confidence self esteem and so much. She is just...a lovely person at times but other times...it is just hell.

As I said you have a completely useless pastor who is speaking total nonsense. We are told NOT to judge the world so he has that wrong as well.  Of course Christians can call the police, especially when there is assault going on. You need to step letting him order you around and controlling you and telling you what to do. It sounds more like a cult than a church to be honest, if you are letting him tell you what to do all the time. Ring that battered woman's refuge and ask them what to do, and get good legal advise.

All abusers are nice some of the time, does that make it OK to abuse? Of course not. She is a dangerous and violent person who beats you up and even her own little children up. One day you or one of them may end up permanently damaged or even dead. In the meantime they are being emotionally scarred more and more each day, and will end up repeating the whole pattern of abuse in their own lives and families if you don't get them out of there.

THis looks very helpful and much of the advise is what has been said here. There is a helpline.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic-violence-men-abused-by-women.htm 

This also looks helpful

http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/help-for-battered-men

Quote
She told me on Valentine's that if I left her that no judge would give my kids too me
I don't have any proof.
She said they would just laugh at me.

Another set of quotes from Abuser 101.

Quote
my mom and grandmother were in abusive relationships,
I left my own family house as a loser and I was the one hit.
It has really caused me to kind of just become an introvert spiritually
I feel less than a man..this relationship is really destroying my confidence self esteem 

No sir.  You were already an introvert long before anybody hit you.  Being introverted is not wrong, God made 30 percent of us this way because of His design.
You got into this marriage BECAUSE you considered yourself a loser.  And you considered yourself a loser because of your family-of-origin.  So, no, sir, your self-esteem was destroyed BEFORE you got into this marriage.

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I was told if I hit my wife again I would no longer be a minister in my church

My brother, not being a minister in THAT church should be worn like a badge of honor.    I agree that your church is a cult.  It has adopted it's own rules, and it lives through the isolation of its people. 

Quote
As I said you have a completely useless pastor who is speaking total nonsense.

Amen.  Get out of that hell hole, and get yourself into a church where there are some NORMAL people, a church that is a hospital for the sin-sick, a place of correct teaching and biblical expository preaching.  These people you are with  are sick themselves. 

Quote
corporal punishment is not my issue, its the way she does it

Sounds like your wife has low self-esteem, too.  It likely comes from her family of origin as well.  She is probably doing what she was taught, like you are. 

People tend to seek out relationships which continue the "model" of their family-of-origin.  It is quite clear to me, as an observer, that you have also done this.  You found a marriage which modeled your f-o-o, and you found a church which modeled your f-o-o.

Quote
In the meantime they are being emotionally scarred more and more each day, and will end up repeating the whole pattern of abuse in their own lives and families if you don't get them out of there.

You are your own prime witness to the truth of this.  You repeated the whole pattern.  You even found a church which reinforces the "whole pattern".

Brother, break the cycle.  Let YOU be the "stopping place" for it.  This is why, my brother, why Christ came to earth, to "destroy the works of the devil".

Thanks Everyone. I have really thought about and considered everything. TJW you are right my wife does struggle with low self esteem. Her mother and caretaker also was verbally and emotionally abusive, and her church unloving. So, we kind of realizing what is going on.

We are starting  Marriage Counselor soon, keep us lifted in prayer please thanks.

QuoteWe are starting  Marriage Counselor soon, keep us lifted in prayer please thanks.

She agreed?  Excellent!

Its good that she has agreed to the counselling, but she also needs professional anger management and to know that its totally unacceptable to use any violence on you or the children. Marriage counselling wont stop a violent abuser from abusing, she is way beyond that.

This website has connections with a man named Joe Beam. His program for marriage IS amazing and he used to have a program for couples in crisis. Sounds like you are in crisis. I couldn't get past that part where she threw water on you while you were holding the baby. That's disturbing to me, though I know there are always two sides to every story.

Joe Beam's book "Seeing the Unseen" is for sale on this site. I don't get commission :-)  I have a copy and it is an eye opener. I don't think it should take a big ceremony to get deliverance, but sometimes, it does require getting some help.  And sometimes it requires a temporary separation.

I found this:
http://www.joebeam.com/seminars.html

Hate to bring up an old thread, but this one hit too close to home, many similarities, and I'd like to know how the OP is now. I pray that God has kept you and your family safe through all of this and that it has been fixed. She may have the same problem my wife has.

I stayed with my wife and it's been rough and going on 27 years together, she eventually stopped hitting me all the time, (not counting the other night when she punched me in the ribs while laying in bed, because I brought that on myself) and I only found out recently what was causing all this. I've always threatened her with divorce and then it gets better, then bad again. It is a viscous cycle but now I at least think we are making progress. I told her I won't threaten for divorce is not an option. That has gotten very old and doesn't work anymoreand I never really wanted one, just used it to keep her in line as it seemed to work but, she's become more independent.

I still love her dearly and want to make it work but, there have been other issues that came up, that threaten to cause a separation. Our kids are all grown up now and do well, we always took them to church when they were growing up and they all go now on their own, with their SO's.

This forum and others have been very good for me, I don't want to go to counseling alone and my wife said she won't ever go.

I won't share much more in this post, maybe down the road, I would hate for someone I know to read this. Is there anonymity here? As long as I don't post personal information?   

Quote from: Slow Hand on Mon Sep 14, 2015 - 23:03:41
Hate to bring up an old thread, but this one hit too close to home, many similarities, and I'd like to know how the OP is now. I pray that God has kept you and your family safe through all of this and that it has been fixed. She may have the same problem my wife has.

I stayed with my wife and it's been rough and going on 27 years together, she eventually stopped hitting me all the time, (not counting the other night when she punched me in the ribs while laying in bed, because I brought that on myself) and I only found out recently what was causing all this. I've always threatened her with divorce and then it gets better, then bad again. It is a viscous cycle but now I at least think we are making progress. I told her I won't threaten for divorce is not an option. That has gotten very old and doesn't work anymoreand I never really wanted one, just used it to keep her in line as it seemed to work but, she's become more independent.

I still love her dearly and want to make it work but, there have been other issues that came up, that threaten to cause a separation. Our kids are all grown up now and do well, we always took them to church when they were growing up and they all go now on their own, with their SO's.

This forum and others have been very good for me, I don't want to go to counseling alone and my wife said she won't ever go.

I won't share much more in this post, maybe down the road, I would hate for someone I know to read this. Is there anonymity here? As long as I don't post personal information?   

Hi SH,
Do you HONESTLY think that God wanted you to stay with a woman who is violent and abusive all the time? Do you HONESTLY think that your children werent terribly damaged by that sort of dysfunctional violent behaviour and that in some way they wont be playing that out in their own relationships in the future? So she punched you in the ribs the other night and you deserved it? Really? Says who? God? She did? You did?
The thing is SH,  that you have enabled her behaviour all those years by not challenging it, and by allowing it, and you are still doing so.
I feel for you, because you must have a terribly low opinion of yourself to have accepted such appalling treatment for so long.
I fear that you must also have a strange and skewed idea of what God is like if you honestly think that he wanted
you to remain with such a seriously abusive person.
Did you go to your pastor? Was she ever challenged on her behaviour by him or the elders? Or were you to scared of her to tell anyone? 

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Sep 15, 2015 - 03:54:01

Hi SH,
Do you HONESTLY think that God wanted you to stay with a woman who is violent and abusive all the time? Do you HONESTLY think that your children werent terribly damaged by that sort of dysfunctional violent behaviour and that in some way they wont be playing that out in their own relationships in the future? So she punched you in the ribs the other night and you deserved it? Really? Says who? God? She did? You did?
The thing is SH,  that you have enabled her behaviour all those years by not challenging it, and by allowing it, and you are still doing so.
I feel for you, because you must have a terribly low opinion of yourself to have accepted such appalling treatment for so long.
I fear that you must also have a strange and skewed idea of what God is like if you honestly think that he wanted
you to remain with such a seriously abusive person.
Did you go to your pastor? Was she ever challenged on her behaviour by him or the elders? Or were you to scared of her to tell anyone? 

Well, to be honest, yes I do believe that God intended for me to stay with her. We were both raised in Christian homes and went to church all the time. There seems to be a reason beyond her control on why she has acted this way. I am happy that I discovered it, but now it seems it may not matter to me at all as I'm considering separation over presumed infidelity. 

As far as challenging her, I have, but it wasn't until I realized that it was related to that time of the month, when her behavior became violent at the smallest things. So I would just stay out of her way and leave her be, trying my hardest to avoid confrontation during those 8 days or so. As long as I did that, things were ok and the fights begin to be non existent. She hasn't been clinically diagnosed, but I think she suffers from PMDD, it makes many women act out like this. I found many stories similar to mine from people on forums where they discuss this sort of thing about PMDD. 

I never fought back with her, but would restrain her and then make a quick exit. I've received countless bloody noses but no black eyes as I anticipated the punch coming and would try to move out of the way. There's a lot more on the physical abuse, but not sure if I should share as none of it has been recent. I did a good job to stay away during that time of the month while avoiding any confrontation and it has helped a lot.

I'm not really here looking for help in that area, though, the reason I'm here is because I think she may have had an affair with a co-worker/boss. She exhibited most of the red flags and life has been hell for the last 4 months. I've been praying that she would confess but she has not and gets very defensive when I try to bring anything up and instead locks herself in the bedroom and won't speak to me. That's why she hit me the other night, because it was that time of the month and I forgot, so I shouldn't have even approached her with anything, knowing the consequences of my actions from other times.

She has also turned into a big liar and I have a hard time believing anything she says without investigating it. This last Sunday, she took communion and I was so relieved and even told her so. I told her that it was a big sign to me that she hadn't cheated because she knows better than to take communion unworthily with unforgiveness in your heart. This morning I asked her in a text if she used communion to deceive me and have not got any sort of response, just been quiet and not talking to me.

I've gone to her work twice in the last couple of months to pick her up for lunch and got dirty looks from her boss both times, that's another reason I felt she cheated because I've never even met this guy. Why would he look at me like that? I did read another story on this forum where that happened to a husband and his wife was in fact cheating on him with the guy giving dirty looks. I'm at a loss on what to do and really need her to confess or to be caught and exposed if it's still going on. They both would lose their jobs if it turns out to be true. She denies everything, we can't even continue discussing it, because she gets mad and says it's worthless talking to me and claims to have done nothing wrong, cries and locks herself up in the room.

Pray for us, this is very difficult for me and my work life has suffered as this consumes most of my time. 

Pray that God will reveal the truth to you.

I dont agree that God wanted you to stay with a violent woman. Did she beat the children as well? Did she beat those she worked with? if not then its clear that she was able to control herself but chose not to with you.


 

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Sep 15, 2015 - 09:22:02
Pray that God will reveal the truth to you.

I dont agree that God wanted you to stay with a violent woman. Did she beat the children as well? Did she beat those she worked with? if not then its clear that she was able to control herself but chose not to with you.

I have been in constant prayer over God revealing it to me, I just need to know the truth. She would rather not discuss any of my concerns and hopes I just forget about all of it.

No, she never acted out that way with anyone but me, that I know of. Since I started avoiding her during that time of the month the problem has pretty much been non existent. The last time she was physically abusive, I also threatened to call the police and until the other night, she was doing very good. It appears to be a very real issue among a small portion of women and once I figured out it only happened during that time of the month it has been a non issue. (ETA) She's always been a great mother and even a great wife, just not during that time of the month with me.

But as I mentioned, we have that part under control and it is not the reason I came on this forum, presumed infidelity is. My life has been going down the drain for the last 4 years because she became emotionally distant from me and stopped having sex with me. It has changed for the better, slowly, since I asked if she was having an affair though, about 4 months ago. We were very close to divorce and then I read the book 5 love languages and pressed her real hard to read it as well. She changed for the better after that, but I still have many unanswered questions.

She just replied and said she "Well I didn't have an affair, I wouldn't have taken it". I hope and pray she is telling the truth. 

Am I right about the Holy Communion in this regard? Did she take it unworthily if she hasn't told me the truth about an affair? What then, are the consequences if she did? She knows this is the whole reason I dropped it and told her I would believe her.

Quote from: Slow Hand on Tue Sep 15, 2015 - 09:39:34

Quote from: chosenone on Tue Sep 15, 2015 - 09:22:02
Pray that God will reveal the truth to you.

I dont agree that God wanted you to stay with a violent woman. Did she beat the children as well? Did she beat those she worked with? if not then its clear that she was able to control herself but chose not to with you.

I have been in constant prayer over God revealing it to me, I just need to know the truth. She would rather not discuss any of my concerns and hopes I just forget about all of it.

No, she never acted out that way with anyone but me, that I know of. Since I started avoiding her during that time of the month the problem has pretty much been non existent. The last time she was physically abusive, I also threatened to call the police and until the other night, she was doing very good. It appears to be a very real issue among a small portion of women and once I figured out it only happened during that time of the month it has been a non issue. (ETA) She's always been a great mother and even a great wife, just not during that time of the month with me.

But as I mentioned, we have that part under control and it is not the reason I came on this forum, presumed infidelity is. My life has been going down the drain for the last 4 years because she became emotionally distant from me and stopped having sex with me. It has changed for the better, slowly, since I asked if she was having an affair though, about 4 months ago. We were very close to divorce and then I read the book 5 love languages and pressed her real hard to read it as well. She changed for the better after that, but I still have many unanswered questions.

She just replied and said she "Well I didn't have an affair, I wouldn't have taken it". I hope and pray she is telling the truth. 

Am I right about the Holy Communion in this regard? Did she take it unworthily if she hasn't told me the truth about an affair? What then, are the consequences if she did? She knows this is the whole reason I dropped it and told her I would believe her.

  To be honest those who are lying cheating and deceiving their spouse wouldnt have many qualms about taking communion. THey are lying to God as well and disobeying Him.

I belong to a British marriage and relationship forum and we get many there who either suspect or know their partners are cheating. The cheaters never come clean and admit their affair until they are confronted with physical evidence IE phone messages texts etc.They will lie and lie. Even when found out they will blame the other spouse and try and pass the guilt and blame. 

They are still working together so its possible its still going on(if it is an affair). How about you suggest that she looks for another similar job away from this man and see what her reaction is?
I would suggest that you go with your gut instinct, its usually right.

Tell me, if one of your children was married to an abusive person who beat them what would your advise be? The fact that she never took it out on anyone else shows that she had control, she chose to use you as her punching bag, and what sort of message did that send to your children