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I have been married for almost 25 years...suffered from depression for much of that time...untreated until the last 10 years.  Over these years I have told my husband I don't feel important to him...or loved by him. I feel his family...Mom, Dad and sister...have always come first to him.  He never says..yes you are important to me...or of course I love you...he just defends his family, his hobbies, his job...all the things I feel second to.  I have been told by many counselors that I have extremely low self esteem...However I am a Christian and have always believed God has a plan for my life...I do much to serve Him...My husband does go to church and leads a prayer when we all sit down to dinner together...which is rare as our children are all older and busy now. He has told his family they are not welcome in our home because of me....I never said I wanted that...nor did I.  He agreed to go to counseling...but only went about 3 times. I continued to go.  I told my husband if he did not go back to counseling I would move out...he said no. I moved out.  I continue to honor my marriage vows...I pray for my husband...Both he and my in laws let my birthday pass with out a word.  I believe they have all written me off.  They are a good christian family.  I know my depression has been hard to live with.  How can he just throw me away.  Friends and family say things like ...you are so wonderful and sweet...you just have to go on.  But this is my husband who has said I am not even worth an hour of his time.  How do I forget...I admired their christian faith so much...I was just a new christian when I married.  I don't even know what to pray for anymore.

I'm sorry to hear about your separation.
Your husband has acted in a very selfish way for some time.
You have a right to think that his behavior is hypocritical.
Please continue to get counseling if needed.
God bless you through this struggle.
Try to find fulfillment and involvement in areas like Church service that value and respect you.

Quote from: denisemomof3 on Mon Sep 29, 2014 - 19:04:31 I told my husband if he did not go back to counseling I would move out...he said no. I moved out.

Questions:  Why did you leave your husband over this, what scriptural grounds? Would your husband allow you to come back? Do you now talk to him any?  Why did you feel your husband should attend counseling?  The problem seems to be yours not his.  Could you answer these before I give my opinion?

you are right...it is my problem.  I have no biblical reason to leave my husband.  He has no more patience for me...and does not care for me.
I am wrong.

Quote from: denisemomof3 on Tue Sep 30, 2014 - 10:32:18
you are right...it is my problem.  I have no biblical reason to leave my husband.  He has no more patience for me...and does not care for me.
I am wrong.

I said it "seem" like it.  We are here to help, but only can if you want to be helped.

Hello I will be praying for you and your family, but trust me you have already made a difference. Don't underestimate the power of speech and the beauty of Charity. For Jesus sent his followers into the world to tell about the Kingdom of God. Prayers for yourself and for others is very powerful because you have the Creator listening and he will provide if it aligns with His will and if you keep asking. I pray for your emotional healing and you continue to pray as well. Your testimony hear today will be a blessing to another. I would say continue under God's will and your light will shine bright that other people will want to know where do you get your hope from. Your husband will take notice too. I will be praying for you! God Bless!

I am sorry I posted here...My husband is a fine man.  I have ruined his life. Depressed people are no fun. My depression was much better...but it was to late.  He and his family no longer speak to me.  I have 3 children and it is my worst fear that i will ruin their lives too.  My only choice is life alone...and hope God can use me in some way were I work and volunteer. I pray every night and day that God would take me home. Suicide crosses my mind often.  I can't do that because that would hurt my family. So I remain trapped, trying my best not to hurt anyone.

Quote from: denisemomof3 on Mon Sep 29, 2014 - 19:04:31
Over these years I have told my husband I don't feel important to him...or loved by him. I feel his family...Mom, Dad and sister...have always come first to him.  He never says..yes you are important to me...or of course I love you...he just defends his family, his hobbies, his job...all the things I feel second to.

Denise,

I'm not sure here, but depression can cause a person to act in ways that make their spouse feel very uncomfortable.  Men in particular typically respond to such discomfort by setting up emotional barriers to protect themselves, and the more you try to get past these barriers, the more they'll push you away.  In many cases, a situation like this leads to unfaithfulness, but in your husband's case, it seems that he is simply clinging to the activities and relationships that make him feel good about himself, and avoiding those (i.e. his marriage) that don't.

Quote from: denisemomof3 on Mon Sep 29, 2014 - 19:04:31
I have been told by many counselors that I have extremely low self esteem...However I am a Christian and have always believed God has a plan for my life...I do much to serve Him...

And, have they ever recommended a way for you to overcome this low self esteem?  It almost sounds as though you're saying that believing God has a plan for your life and doing much to serve Him is somehow a good reason to feel bad about yourself and look down on yourself.

Some people think that "low self esteem" is really a form of humility--it is not.  A person who is truly humble is a happy person, while a person with low self esteem is usually fearful, needy, depressed--not happy at all.

Quote from: denisemomof3 on Mon Sep 29, 2014 - 19:04:31
My husband [...] has told his family they are not welcome in our home because of me....I never said I wanted that...nor did I.  He agreed to go to counseling...but only went about 3 times. I continued to go. 

It's good that you're continuing to go to counseling, but ISTM a lot of counselors like to go round and round and round and round and never really get anywhere, whereas a *real* counselor should be goal orented and work with you to set goals for yourself and come up with ways to meet them (the key here is that he/she is working *with* you, not trying to push you along some pre-determined path).  This kind of counseling produces results, and that's what you want.

Quote from: denisemomof3 on Mon Sep 29, 2014 - 19:04:31
I told my husband if he did not go back to counseling I would move out...he said no. I moved out.  I continue to honor my marriage vows...I pray for my husband...

I think it's good that you're taking some initiative here, and showing some independence.  It appears that you're not looking to end the marriage, but to give yourself enough space to sort things out and see how you can still help to make the marriage work.

May Jesus our Lord be with you, and grant you His peace.

I moved out 3 months ago...my son misses me...my husband does not talk to me, with the exception of talking about our son.  If I text him any questions about us..our marriage, he simply does not reply at all. I know I moved out...but I was emotionally alone for years before I left.  I think he is happy now...he has our son, our home, our money...his parents and sister are in his corner...and believe I am all the problems...I pray for God to restore...but it seems he is happier without me.  I guess I thought leaving might make him realize he loved me....  what do I do now?  We had a good counselor...he says my husband is hard hearted toward me...but he needs to speak to him to understand why...

denise do you have a good friendly church to go to?If so can you find a ministry couple who will pray and minister to you? I think you need Holy Spirit ministry rather than any more secular counselling.

Are you saying I am out of God's will?  If so why do you assume that?    I left our church, after talking to the pastor about marriage problems...he had no help to offer...other than inviting us to his small group.  For years I have asked about marriage classes...we have divorce care...but not marriage.  My husband is happy with the church..never misses a sunday.  I desire a church with truth...where they address hurting marriages and families...but churches don't seem to do that.  I see a Biblical counselor...I am looking for a church.

Ask God to find you a good church that offers help, but from what you have said you need minsitry yourself to help deal with all your issues of depression and insecurity. Also if you still have depression why are you not being treated? 

I am being treated...my counselors say I am doing well...it is only when it comes to my marriage that I am lost and hurt, and my husband flat out refuses to go to counseling.

Ummmmm

I understand that you wish to perceive yourself as a victim of your husband's attitude but usually good Christian men are extremely easy to please and illicit a great response from.

Obviously you hurt him and not the other way around.  He says nothing during your conversation because he enjoys the vacation from you.

His family shuts down towards you because you hurt someone they love.  I would do the same.

I see nothing but normal reactions by everyone else but you. 

So if you can get your attitude straight and some medicine which helps I recommend apologize.

Quote from: denisemomof3 on Mon Oct 27, 2014 - 06:03:59
I am being treated...my counselors say I am doing well...it is only when it comes to my marriage that I am lost and hurt, and my husband flat out refuses to go to counseling.

What exactly do you expect counseling to do for your husband? 

Why do you assume my husband has no blame in our marriage?  Does it not take two?  I have prayed for my husband and sons...constantly....I suffer from metal illness, yes...but that means any problems in my marriage are mine?  I am a good woman.  I work with children in need...I clothe and love them...I also work at a homeless shelter and encourage and love woman and children there.  Yet you hear my story and assume that I am the problem.  I have felt so unloved by my husband for so long....I have begged for his love...begged to be important to him....and have been met with silence....so this is all on me.  I am far from perfect....far far from it...but I am a child of God...I seek to serve him...I strive to be honest and loving to all.... I wish to go to counseling with my husband so that we can learn to love one another...and serve God together.

Quote from: denisemomof3 on Mon Oct 27, 2014 - 07:14:30
Why do you assume my husband has no blame in our marriage?

I was not assuming.  I was asking.  Most of the posts were about you and your "problems" so I was wondering what his issues were that you wanted addressed.

QuoteI wish to go to counseling with my husband so that we can learn to love one another...and serve God together.

That sounds valid to me.  Many men have been conditioned to show no emotion.  It was beaten out of me at a very early age. So for some men to show love and affection can be very difficult; but it can be learned.

Quote from: denisemomof3 on Mon Oct 27, 2014 - 07:14:30
Why do you assume my husband has no blame in our marriage?  Does it not take two?  I have prayed for my husband and sons...constantly....I suffer from metal illness, yes...but that means any problems in my marriage are mine?  I am a good woman.  I work with children in need...I clothe and love them...I also work at a homeless shelter and encourage and love woman and children there.  Yet you hear my story and assume that I am the problem.  I have felt so unloved by my husband for so long....I have begged for his love...begged to be important to him....and have been met with silence....so this is all on me.  I am far from perfect....far far from it...but I am a child of God...I seek to serve him...I strive to be honest and loving to all.... I wish to go to counseling with my husband so that we can learn to love one another...and serve God together.

I have certainly never said that you are all to blame or that you are not a good person.  Its sounds very much that you have both had failings that have led to this situation. However, from what you have said, you have deep issues that needs sorting, and you need help and healing for your own good regardless of what happens in the marriage.  Maybe when you have received more healing and prayer, and maybe also medical help, you will be in a much better, healthier and stronger place to work on rebuilding the marriage.
However if your husband doesnt want that, for whatever reason, you cant force him. Has he said why he wont go for counseling?  I do think that he needs to communicate with you, so that you know what his intentions are at least, which is why I suggested on your other thread that a mutual friend go to see him and asks him to speak to you and answer any questions you may have. 

Denise, my wife is "bipolar" and "manic depressive". Even though we have both been saved for many years it has been very difficult for me and my children for many years. Bipolar, manic depressive disorder is hard to detect by a psychiatrist as it takes years and information from other family members before it can be diagnosed properly. Now that my wife is on medication, her life is very stable, and her thinking processes are normal. If you just happen to be in the same way I feel for you and in what you are going through. This kind of illness prevents you from thinking correctly because of a imbalance in the chemicals that allow the human mind to function right.
I can not begin to tell you the trials and tribulations that my wife and I have been through because of it, but I can tell you the Lord has strengthen me all my family to stay together through it all. I have no doubt the Lord will do the same for you, and please do not blame yourself, as it is a illness that you did not ask for.
Try and see a psychiatrist, and tell them everything you are going through as there are medicines that can help you greatly.

Have you considered going to the same church and just sitting somewhere else there?  That might communicate a lot without a single word having to be said.