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Husband and I just got married, moved in, and blended 6 kids total.

I am 31, and have two kids aged 8 and 11

He is 43, and has 4 kids aged 12, 15, 16, 18

I make: $18.50 an hour and get $733 a month SSI for my son.

He makes :$12.50 per hour plus gets $1,800 a month survivors benefits for the kids, since their Mom passed away.

So my question is, how do we fairly split bills? I am starting to feel huge resentment, because I had MORE money being single with 2 kids. Now he takes, takes, takes it feels. Especially cost of food, his kids are heavier kids, and eat everything they can insite. They get FREE breakfast and lunch at school, while my kids don't and still eat all the breakfast and lunches I buy for my kids. Here is list of bills.

Rent: $1,100
Cell Phone: $500 (mine, his, and 3 of HIS kids on plan, used to be all 4 of his kids, but his 12 yr old never touched her iphone)
Electric: $500
Water: $180
Gas: $80
Internet: $80
Food: $1200

In my 3 bedroom, my food bill was $400 a month, electric between $80 to $150 in summer, cell was $80, water $20, etc. So his expenses are HUGE compared to mine. So how do we split bills evenly to make it fair. We have a joint account, and I have a personal one as well. Advice please!

Ummm when you married did you say this 'With all my worldly goods I thee endow' or something similar? Are you in a covenant marriage with him? You have a very odd idea of a godly marriage.

Sorry but when you get married all that you have is now his, and all that he has is now yours. Its no longer 'his' or 'yours', you are both now step parents to each others children, and you share everything. You have no need of a personal account now you have committed to this man(and his children) for life.  Its not a case of what you earn or what he earns or who eats more, so put all money into the joint account and stop stressing over it.   
You speak as if you are merely house mates and not husband and wife. 

You are right. Just been in a similar situation with someone I was not married to and lived with before this relationship. He is a very Christian man and we attend church with the 3 youngest kids, older ones won't go anymore after death of their Mom. I just am adjusting, it has only been 1 month since we moved in. He is very irresponsible with money and I did not know this before moving in and combining bank accounts and bills. He isn't aware of his money issues. But he was late on ALL his utility bills, cell phone, rent from last house, and never told me. So a week into living together I got these enormous bills in mail for 2 months worth. He is a great person. But I am shocked by resent events. Makes me scared things will be the way they were with my ex.

What kind of premarital counseling did you have?

None, although I wanted it. We didn't have a real wedding or anything, just thru a Christian friend of his who married us with a few others witnessing.

Quote from: EmmieCA83 on Wed Jan 07, 2015 - 12:47:18
None, although I wanted it. We didn't have a real wedding or anything, just thru a Christian friend of his who married us with a few others witnessing.

   

Find someone NOW who will take you thru the steps usually covered in premarital counseling. (good bible based counselor)

Make sure he/whe is EXTREMELY THROUGH and INVASIVE in their questions and assignments. You both need it.

Quote from: chosenone on Wed Jan 07, 2015 - 12:08:54
Ummm when you married did you say this 'With all my worldly goods I thee endow' or something similar? Are you in a covenant marriage with him? You have a very odd idea of a godly marriage.

Sorry but when you get married all that you have is now his, and all that he has is now yours. Its no longer 'his' or 'yours', you are both now step parents to each others children, and you share everything. You have no need of a personal account now you have committed to this man(and his children) for life.  Its not a case of what you earn or what he earns or who eats more, so put all money into the joint account and stop stressing over it.   
You speak as if you are merely house mates and not husband and wife.

Good advice. Plus, you need to keep this between you and your husband, and work through it. You should never seek advice apart from him, never. Neither should he. It seems as though you should have enough money, with some to spare.  Children do not need cell pones cut it out.  It is not do much how much you are getting per month, but how you are using what you are getting.  Young couples waste too much money.  Sit down with your husband and work through it, and tell him what you are saying here.

Counseling is a must. A good Christian counselor.

In addition you and your husband need to sit down an work out a budget plan.

It does not matter who makes more, what does matter is that now what is yours is his and what is his is yours, so they need to be combined and the budget worked
out with that in mind.

Not knowing your deductions for taxes (I am just guessing)  am I in the ballpark of assuming that
the annual total of income including the supplements for the kids is about $41,500.00? (assuming a 40 hour work week...)

While that will not set records for income and is indicative of being just a hair above the federal poverty level for 8 people in a household it is still manageable with
the ages of the children involved.

$500.00 for a cell phone bill is absolutely not acceptable. I have no idea who your provider is but the major ones definitely have far more attractive plans in a bundle.

If the kids have all the bells and whistles on their phones such as music and videos and all the extras that probably accounts for the big bill. It would be my suggestion that a new plan be worked on and they be told that once they are working and
can pay for additional service then it can be added back.

IF they do not have any extras... time to go shopping for a new supplier.

You cannot skimp on food....

I am just curious as to why the electric is so much?

No our combined income is about $75,000 a year, maybe more like $85,000 with OT we both do.

Oh and Electric in San Tan Valley, AZ is high because we have a huge house. 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom and rooms are enourmous. Two livingrooms. Rent is cheap out here, but not utilities.

Money problems are only a symptom of the real issue. As long as you consider his kids his and your kids yours you are not a family. Being married is not just living together with a marriage certificate. Being married means becoming one. That is the issue you need to address. Everything else hinges on it.

Okay so I got out a calculator and did the math:
OT not included.

My Gross: $47,246 a year
My Net (no taxes taken from SSI): $41,296

His Gross: $47,960 a year
His Net: (no taxes taken out of Survivors): $45,000

So I guess he does make more. I never looked at his survivors benefits as HIS real income.

So our GROSS Combined: $95,206
Our NET Combined: $86,296

Quote from: EmmieCA83 on Wed Jan 07, 2015 - 17:00:29
Okay so I got out a calculator and did the math:
OT not included.

My Gross: $47,246 a year
My Net (no taxes taken from SSI): $41,296

His Gross: $47,960 a year
His Net: (no taxes taken out of Survivors): $45,000

So I guess he does make more. I never looked at his survivors benefits as HIS real income.

So our GROSS Combined: $95,206
Our NET Combined: $86,296

You have a VERY good joint income and a lovely big house, so you are blessed indeed,  so use that income to provide for your joint family together, as One. It doesnt matter who earns more or who earns what. What if one of got ill or lost their job? Does the other one and their children not get to eat because they havent any money to put into the pot?
Its for richer and for poorer, for better and for worse, you are now ONE and not TWO, but your attitude is still that of a single mum but its early days yet.     
Maybe he isnt good with money, so you need to sit down together and sort out who does what as a couple, so who pays the bills and who keeps the financial records etc. Make it a joint effort.

Quote from: EmmieCA83 on Wed Jan 07, 2015 - 12:47:18
None, although I wanted it. We didn't have a real wedding or anything, just thru a Christian friend of his who married us with a few others witnessing.

How long did you know him before you married?
Not having a big wedding isnt an issue, after all you both have kids and presumably have been married before.

Yes, I was married before. But was a single Mom for 6/7 years before meeting someone who moved in with me and we were together 1.5 years. I had same issue of feeling like I was being used. I posted questions on here before regarding that ex.

I met my husband at work in May 2014. Got engaged rather quickly on his part. I wasn't expecting it at all. He and I got along so well and still do before we lived together. But now that we do live together, it kinda isn't the same. It has literally only been a month living together.

We talked last night, and he said he feels more like a friend to kids and that his 15, 16, and 18 year olds won't attend Christian Counseling to try to help blend the family. They are "older" and he has no control over them. So I did say, "well then shouldn't they pay their own cell phones ($90 per kid), food, and rent if they are "adults". He gets frustrated, cause he doesn't want to push them to do anything. They are good kids. Help around house, get decent grades, and have goals for after high school. But they refuse to warm up to me. He even said when they get married, that I might not ever be referred to as "Grandma" to his kids children. That completly hurt me, as I want to be family. So maybe I think unhealthy and guarded of my money, because we aren't blending yet. We DID talk about this before marriage and he said his kids loved me and they just are teens and thats why they keep to themselves. His 12 year old daughter and I are close. So I don't know what else to do on my end.

Another thing he brought up last night, was that he is done parenting, and as I stated above, is more a friend to all his kids, because they don't need to be discaplined anymore. When my kids came into picture and are 8 and 11, everyone is having a hard time with my kids because they are always wanting to play. He doesn't like that my kids want to spend time with me in our room (as its our haven, yet his 12 year old is always in there too), my kids make messes and I have to constantly be on them to clean up. I am trying! I work 8 hours and deal with 3 to 3.5 hours trafffic a day. He works 8 hours and doesn't have traffic, so I am home late and leave just as early as he does because his kids have zero hour at school. So he leaves at 5:45am as well, then sits at starbucks for an hour before work.

I have sacrified so much to make him happy. For Christmas his stocking hung next to his wife that passed away and his kids. We decorated the house with how she liked it. I didn't try to incorporate my traditions. I let him take control. His kids had the say in how we decorated the house when we moved in as well, and he said I can rule the bedroom and decorate there. But his kids wanted to keep all the decorations in new house that there mom had. Which is crosses all over our walls and scripture items. Which I am totally okay with. But I wish he'd maybe sacrafice for me as well.

He also talked last night to his kids, about if him and I should possibly split up. He doesn't want too. But feels he should find out what his kids want. There response, "We don't care if you split or stay, we just want you happy and not to be alone".
So alot is up in the air. I am just glad him and I aren't on bad terms whatever he decides. I just asked for counseling too, and seems like maybe it was a problem of me to ask that.

He is a good guy! But being married 20 years to someone who supported the family mostly on her income, working long hours, keeping the home clean, etc. I think he misses that. She slept 3 hours at a time, would wake up and start cleaning in middle of night. She was very outgoing and DID alot. I feel I do alot too, but I am not her. I am quiet and when I get home from work, hang out with everyone an hour, I then like to head to bed early to relax. Something I think they are not used too and maybe don't like. But I deserve "me" time for 30 min to 1 hr right before bed.

How long has it been since his kids' mom died?

The bills stacking up tell me he was probably not done with the grieving process.

Quotesomeone who supported the family mostly on her income, working long hours, keeping the home clean, etc. ... She slept 3 hours at a time, would wake up and start cleaning in middle of night.

That has a huge red flag to me about her mental state. I have known people like that who were on the manic side of bi-polar disease. They do tend to die early from burn-out. Many famous musicians, artists and actors who had bi-polar and trended to long periods on the manic side had amazing output but died early. (like Mozart)

I don't think he was done with grieving process either. I asked him over and over. She was the ONLY women he had ever been with and vs versa. They got engaged when he was 24 and her 29. They met as youth leaders of a church. They also got engaged after just 3 dates. That's how I think he views relationships. He doesn't want to "date", he hates that word.

Their Mom died in July 2014 from heart problems. She has worked 6am and didn't get home till midnight, passed away about 2am in bed.

Him and I went out as friends in September, and it clicked to more than friends. I was there for him at work while he grieved and he was there for me when I learned of my Ex's constant cheating. Both of us were hurt beyond words, him even more so.

So it is apparent we jumped into something before ready. Saddens me. We still might make it work, cause he and I have lots in common and do get along great. Besides the blending of families and his money spending habits.

I have read in some counseling manuals that a proper amount of grief for losing a spouse (with a good close relationship) is about 1 month for each year of marriage. Jewish culture allows for one year for ANY close family member and more for spouse and mother. And that is before you even start LOOKING for someone else.

So she has been dead only 7 months and you have been married a month already?  That is WAY too soon in my way of thinking. Neither he nor the kids were ready for another spouse / step mom.

Yes you can make it work but it will take a lot of work and dedication from both of you.  THe first thing is to get yourselves to a good christian family/marriage counselor.

Yes, I agree with you.

All concerns I had too, I didn't think there was anyway he was done grieving and he swore he was. I think he just didn't want to be alone.

Quote from: EmmieCA83 on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 10:32:09
Yes, I agree with you.

All concerns I had too, I didn't think there was anyway he was done grieving and he swore he was. I think he just didn't want to be alone.

That could be true.  A lot of us guys are very out of touch with what is going on emotionally with us; so he may not be even aware that he is still in grief.

My sister died in '07 just after her 47th birthday. It has now been 7 years since she passed and Tom (her husband) is still not done grieving.  He got remarried a year and a half ago but it ended in divorce a few months back. I never met her. The new wife could not take him spending hours each week crying over Linda's grave.

I guess, I will just wait to see what happens.

Are you Jewish? My daughter is being raised Jewish, as my Ex is Jewish. Him and I are close friends, so I am glad our daughter is raised with a mom and dad who haven't been together for years and years, yet get along so well, we do lots of family things together.

What did your sister pass away from? His wife was also 47 when she passed.
I don't want to get divorced again. It makes me sick to think about. I am ready to grow old with someone.

Wow I am sorry but this is totally crazy, no wonder the children are reluctant to blend with your family. Why should they? Their mum is barely dead, and  few weeks later their dad is dating, and 4 or 5 month later he is getting married to another lady and expecting them to be happy with that? None of them have grieved at all, or had any time to adjust to their loss, and their dad has jumped straight into another marriage. I know 3 men who married again 12-18 months later, but to be honest this was totally crazy on both your parts. None of the children had any time to get to know each other or to adjust to the idea of living together, the two of you didnt get to know each other properly, and the children probably werent given any time or opportunity to have their say.
How could either of you possibly think that he could have grieved her death in a mere few weeks?  Especially as it seems her death was sudden and was very premature.
It takes years and years to recover from the loss of a spouse, 3-5 years I have heard from experts. 

Are you both Christians? Did you have any advise from those in the church about this?
If you are both determined and can get the children along side, it could work, but as Dave said get some good marriage counseling.  Its not good that already he is talking of separation, it seems he is beginning to wake up to the reality of his mad and rushed decision. It does seem that his fear of being alone was his motivation, and of course you will feel as if you are in his wives shadow, because you are.

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 10:34:56

Quote from: EmmieCA83 on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 10:32:09
Yes, I agree with you.

All concerns I had too, I didn't think there was anyway he was done grieving and he swore he was. I think he just didn't want to be alone.

That could be true.  A lot of us guys are very out of touch with what is going on emotionally with us; so he may not be even aware that he is still in grief.

My sister died in '07 just after her 47th birthday. It has now been 7 years since she passed and Tom (her husband) is still not done grieving.  He got remarried a year and a half ago but it ended in divorce a few months back. I never met her. The new wife could not take him spending hours each week crying over Linda's grave.

IT was cruel of him to marry when still in such grief, and its possible that he is stuck in grief if he is still crying over her grave for many hours each week after all these years. 
I always said that I would never marry a widower for this reason, Its hard to live in another woman's shadow and many men do tend to forget the bad times and only remember the good, so their wives become an idol to them. 

My marriage ended after 23 years with divorce,even so it was 4 years before I felt able to even consider another relationship, and 2 more years before I met my husband. In my experience men tend to jump far too soon into another relationship, and cant seem to deal with being on their own. 

Its sad that he is NOW asking his children what they want when they should have been considered before the marriage.
re your job, can you look for something more local?
You say that his wife supported them, was there any reason why that was the case? Do you think he was afraid of having to do that himself?

Quote from: EmmieCA83 on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 10:44:46
What did your sister pass away from? His wife was also 47 when she passed.
I don't want to get divorced again. It makes me sick to think about. I am ready to grow old with someone.

Ovarian cancer.

When it was diagnosed they gave her 2 months to live; but she held on for 2 1/2 years. It really devestated my mom.

The only people he talked to was the guy who married us and his mom. Both gave him their blessing. But I was not involved in those discussions. So it was not pre-martial counceling.
Yeah, we both made a irrational decision. It was my dream to find a man just like him. Dedicated to God, good to me (which is hard to find), loyal, and loves me for me. I was a single Mom for so long, and like someone said above, I am still in the single mom mindset.
I can look for something more local. Just my line of work is Mortgage/Loan/BK/Foreclosure, etc, which those jobs are downtown. I lived closer to work before the marriage. But he lived out further away, and with his kids in high school, it was easier to have my younger 2 switch schools. Plus my 3 bedroom apartment costs the same as our 5 bedroom. So the move was a no brainer, because houses near my old area where I lived would of been about $2,500 a month for same size.
She supported the family because she made a livable stable wage. He for the last 10 years has struggled keeping a job. Laid off a few times, did the stay at home dad thing when unemployed. Works jobs that don't pay. His in-laws were not pleased with him. Felt he didn't make enough or work hard enough to get a better job to support his family. She came from a more privleaged background from California, while he was a country boy from working class background.

Quote from: EmmieCA83 on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 11:35:16
The only people he talked to was the guy who married us and his mom. Both gave him their blessing. But I was not involved in those discussions. So it was not pre-martial counceling.
Yeah, we both made a irrational decision. It was my dream to find a man just like him. Dedicated to God, good to me (which is hard to find), loyal, and loves me for me. I was a single Mom for so long, and like someone said above, I am still in the single mom mindset.
I can look for something more local. Just my line of work is Mortgage/Loan/BK/Foreclosure, etc, which those jobs are downtown. I lived closer to work before the marriage. But he lived out further away, and with his kids in high school, it was easier to have my younger 2 switch schools. Plus my 3 bedroom apartment costs the same as our 5 bedroom. So the move was a no brainer, because houses near my old area where I lived would of been about $2,500 a month for same size.
She supported the family because she made a livable stable wage. He for the last 10 years has struggled keeping a job. Laid off a few times, did the stay at home dad thing when unemployed. Works jobs that don't pay. His in-laws were not pleased with him. Felt he didn't make enough or work hard enough to get a better job to support his family. She came from a more privleaged background from California, while he was a country boy from working class background.

IF I had been his mum I would have strongly advised him to wait at least a year before dating again, so giving them all time to grieve, and giving the children time to get to know each other once he did meet someone. I am also surprised that the man who married you didnt advise the same, to take it slowly and give it time.
Do you guys have a church you go to? You will probably need support and prayers to help you both through this. Whatever the past, you have made promises to each other for life, so you need to both be 100% committed to making this work and stop talking about splitting up after 4 weeks of marriage. Good counseling will help I am sure. Blended families arent easy at the best of times.

Dave- Sorry just saw this. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish Cancer didn't exist.

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 11:05:37

Quote from: EmmieCA83 on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 10:44:46
What did your sister pass away from? His wife was also 47 when she passed.
I don't want to get divorced again. It makes me sick to think about. I am ready to grow old with someone.

Ovarian cancer.

When it was diagnosed they gave her 2 months to live; but she held on for 2 1/2 years. It really devestated my mom.

Its a horrible cancer because it often cant be detected until its advanced. My ex sister in law got it a year ago and its terminal now. She is only in her early 50's, and my husband ex sister in law died from it in her 50s also, 4 years ago. 

I would break it down like this 3 different accounts.
1. Account to pay mortgage only nothing else
2. Account to pay other bills
3. Misc account.

Make sure account #1 is not accessable by debit cards only checks.