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Hey everyone,

My wife and I got married this past August very young (23yrs) and it's been fantastic. We moved to a new city halfway across the country and have been learning together. I could go on and on about how wonderful my bride is. But, lately, she has been so so so insecure about herself and her body. To the point where it is a daily conversation (often multiple times per day).

My wife is very beautiful if I do say so myself  I actually really do thank god for her every day and am wildly attracted to her. She does not think that she is the least bit attractive and thinks that she is fat and ugly. She is nowhere close to being fat... she works out every day and is a very in shape girl. She's not stick thin but she is a skinny girl.

Here's the big issue: she asks me daily to RATE her on a 10 scale. I've called her a 10 and she makes me specify that this is 100% objective and not just because she is my wife. I tell her that yes, she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Thats why I was attracted to her in the first place. But I try to tell her that she should not just focus on that, she should focus on the subjective because I do not just want a pretty face or body I want a wonderful, loving bride as well. And that she is already pretty and has nothing to worry about. Well she thinks that I am lying and gets angry at me and my responses. She asks VERY specific questions asking me to name one thing I'd like her to change about herself and gets very antagonistic. She believes I am lying so much that I feel as if she is trying to ask the same question many different ways in order to uncover untruthfulness in my answers. I have made the mistake of answering on the 10 scale a couple times (I always say 9.8-10) because that is what she is.....

But she nitpicks my choices and points out evidence that I am lying to her (for example, that last week I said 9.8 but now 9.7 so was I lying when I said 9.8 before.

It is miserable and driving me insane. I love her so much, but I really don't know what to do. Make no mistake, this is not the typical "am I the most beautiful girl in the world?" stuff. This is a legit "tell me honestly and objectively what I look like to you if you didnt even know me." When I try to comfort her she says I am only lying to make her feel better. I have mentioned counseling and that obviously did not go over well..... I'm even scared to compliment her now because I am worried she will begin to ask deeper questions and make things stressful. Sometimes I get frustrated and respond harsher than I ever should - especially since I know she is hurting. I care so much ... but I cannot prove to her how I feel and I do not understand what is going on. I understand being insecure but she really does attack me a lot because she thinks I am lying to her ... she assumes that means that I am potentially untruthful about other things and would be untruthful if I ever did something else wrong in the relationship.

I get distant and angry and bitter... she takes that as me not loving her. But how could I not get distant when this is happening? I need to take responsibility for my own heart and continue to shower her with love and I need to remain calm when she is yelling and angry. But its so hard. How should I answer these questions she is asking and how can I settle her down and help her see what she means to me? If i give her flowers and a card she will see it as me masking something and trying to change the subject.

I am so scared. If she is like this now then what happens when we have kids and grow older? She asked me to sleep on the couch last night because she was upset. I don't know what to do. PLEASE help me. I don't want replies about her and what she should do. I'd prefer something I can do to help the situation.

Disclaimer: We dated for 3 years - about 1 year in she realized there was a small porn issue in my life (i do not mean that the sin is small - I am only speaking to the frequency). I told her about it willingly, but it was after a long while of me being dishonest. Maybe that plays into it. For what its worth, it is no longer an issue for me.

Quote from: bertstareddd on Wed Jan 07, 2015 - 20:14:27
Maybe that plays into it. For what its worth, it is no longer an issue for me.

I suspect that it plays into it 90% and that for her, its still an issue.  Porn is such an ugly thing and robs marriages of SO much.  Even when the man has repented, Satan still whispers in the ear of the bride and makes her doubt herself.  I am sorry.  This is hard for both of you.

Some of what your wife does doesn't sound healthy at all. You may want to consider either marriage and relationship  books or counseling depending on what happens. Your wife doesn't sound like she is thinking straight about your marriage, and that could be a big issue if left time. Unfortunately,  that isn't clear advise, but it sounds like a possible storm is brewing between you. Doesyour wife has godly Christian friends to talk openly to? If you moved and those are missing, it's a big deal to not be able to right your path on good adivse from people you respect.

I think that your wife has serious issues, and first I think that you need stop playing her games. So calmly tell her that she is beautiful but that you are no longer going to be part of this destructive game. When she brings it up again, repeat what you said, that you love her and find her beautiful but that you are no longer going to do rating out of 10 thing, and walk away. She wont like it but otherwise this will never stop. You will never win if you carry on, because whatever you say it will never be right.

As for your wife, she needs counseling/therapy. She appears to have OCD related to her weight and body, and that rarely goes away on its own. A counselor will hopefully be able to get to the roots of why she has this deep and crippling insecurity. 

Another big worry is what I see in a lady I know. She is similar to your wife in that she exercises excessively and is always worried about her body and weight, and she refuses to have a baby because of what it do to her body, also because she will not be able to control things, and because she wont be able to carry on the regime of exercising. Her marriage is on the rocks with her husband really wanting children.

Is the wife anorexic or bulemic?

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 06:10:42
Is the wife anorexic or bulemic?

Do you mean the ops wife or the one I just spoke of?

Quote from: chosenone on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 07:38:53

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 06:10:42
Is the wife anorexic or bulemic?

Do you mean the ops wife or the one I just spoke of?

The OP's wife

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 07:41:53

Quote from: chosenone on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 07:38:53

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 06:10:42
Is the wife anorexic or bulemic?

Do you mean the ops wife or the one I just spoke of?

The OP's wife

OK because the one I spoke of is anorexic.

What exercise does your wife do and is it obsessive? Does she get stressed if she cant do it sometimes? Does she put it before other things in her life? 

She is not anorexic or bolemic. She is at a healthy weight. I wouldn't want her to gain weight or lose weight... but I dont expect or need her to maintain her weight within a 2lb range that would be ridiculous!

I tried telling her I wouldn't be rating her on a 10-scale tonight. It went okay at first, but questions started flying and when she saw I was sticking to what I said about now answering, she started getting angry at me and took her coat and car keys and left. I tried to stand in front of the door and tell her that she shouldn't leave, but she started yelling and thats that I guess... Not sure where she is right now... I'm really scared for her. and what makes it worse is that she is mad at me as well and thinks it is because I am trying to hide something.

Yeah, that is definitely not healthy. Your wife at minimum needs someone like a close friend or pastor to talk to.

I understand that, but what can I do in the mean time to help? I dont think saying "you have issues get counseling" will go over well.

I'd play her game, tell her to you get body a 10 but her attitude is a 5 and she loses a point for added friction so thus she is a 6.5..maybe throw in a ;-) and some flirty body contact..spice often works better than bringing an outside party in on a personal issue.. Do you randomly compliment her because you want to and not solely upon her hints?

Quote from: bertstareddd on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 18:49:26
She is not anorexic or bolemic. She is at a healthy weight. I wouldn't want her to gain weight or lose weight... but I dont expect or need her to maintain her weight within a 2lb range that would be ridiculous!

I tried telling her I wouldn't be rating her on a 10-scale tonight. It went okay at first, but questions started flying and when she saw I was sticking to what I said about now answering, she started getting angry at me and took her coat and car keys and left. I tried to stand in front of the door and tell her that she shouldn't leave, but she started yelling and thats that I guess... Not sure where she is right now... I'm really scared for her. and what makes it worse is that she is mad at me as well and thinks it is because I am trying to hide something.

I
OF course she wont like it and will try and manipulate you to carry on, as she has done. She is punishing you because you didnt do what she demanded. If you give in now, the whole thing will just carry on. Stand your ground. Its a bit like a child having a tantrum who cant get their one way. SHe wants you to be worried about her, so that when she returns you will be all appologetic and give in. I cant see anything wrong with you gently telling her than she has a serious problem and needs help, but as long as you give in to this state of affairs it will never stop.

What sort of exercise does she do and how much? How does she feel if she cant exercise for a few days? 

Quote from: bertstareddd on Thu Jan 08, 2015 - 19:15:37
I understand that, but what can I do in the mean time to help? I dont think saying "you have issues get counseling" will go over well.

You need to find a loving way to be honest.  You mentioned that you had moved recently?  Would bringing a friend from where you lived before in and having them speak to her help?  I agree that you have to find a way to not play the game here.  It's harmful to both of you, I think. Are there ways that you can compliment her on things that aren't appearance related?  Are there some things that you can do as a couple that don't draw attention to her looks and that would make her feel accomplished in another way?  Have you let her know that you love her for more than her appearance?  I mean I ASSUME you have, but sometimes it's the question that nobody thinks to ask, ya know?  Keep at it, don't give up!

Sounds like co-dependancy she feels the need to obtain something in her life to have stability.

All you can do is nudge is the right direction. Ask the reasoning behind this when she asks for a number.

She has to realize the issue before it can be fixed. She may not know what it is and it might take a long time to realize and figure it out. All you can do is support, keep asking what the issue is, and try to make smart choices and wording.

I think I'd be more concerned with irrational behaviour here that the actual insecurity issue, it's difficult to encourage anyone that cannot understand reasoning and logic. I pray that this is not a pattern that flow from issue to issue throughout your relationship. Prayer definitely needed here 

Quote from: Alan on Mon Jan 12, 2015 - 10:45:55
I think I'd be more concerned with irrational behaviour here that the actual insecurity issue, it's difficult to encourage anyone that cannot understand reasoning and logic. I pray that this is not a pattern that flow from issue to issue throughout your relationship. Prayer definitely needed here 

I agree, its far more than wife feeling a bit insecure. Thats why I keep asking him about his wife's exercise regime etc because I know a young lady who has extreme body issues, along with her HAVING to exercise. If she cant for whatever reason she gets very stressed and unhappy.

You're both in your early twenties?

I recommend that you stop answering with words and start answering with actions. wink wink nudge nudge  know what i mean?

You need to be in deep prayer for your wife. It's the best thing you can do for her. Also, the porn issue, even though you say it's no longer a problem, can still be having an effect on her. No woman likes to know that her husband is looking at naked women having sex. It will make her feel like she's not enough for you, not good enough, you're not satisfied with how she looks 'cause you're out there looking at other women, so you must not be satisfied. That's what she will think. And how does she know you're not watching porn anymore? Even though you stopped, which i sincerely hope you have , she's still going to be wondering and thinking that you might still be doing it. Also, I think it would be a good idea to concentrate on showing her how beautiful you think she is instead of just telling her. Actions speak louder than words. Try grabbing and kissing her passionately right when she walks into the room or when she comes home from work and tell her something along the lines of "Man you look hot!" Or wink at her and make gestures of how good she looks to you. Text her and tell her how beautiful she is and how she drives you crazy.You should always be touching her and complimenting her when she's around you so she can see and feel that she is beautiful and irresistible to you. If she feels it from you she won't be feeling like your words are empty.