Christian Forums

Hi, I haven't been back to these forums in a while, but I could use some advice.

I have been married to my wife for almost 11 years. We were married when we were 21, so both 32 now. No kids yet (which is part of the problem - more on that later).

I married my opposite, personality-wise. I know that personalities are all unique and very complex, but to put things very broadly for context, I'm highly logical and she's highly emotional. ISTJ and ENFP, for those who care.

This has caused a lot of issues over the years, and we have in the past gone through waves - sometimes things going well and understanding each other, sometimes really struggling to communicate. I have felt for a while that we have matured beyond some of these problems though, as there seems to be less & less instances of misunderstandings and her having big eruptions of emotions & frustration.

However it's back again with a vengeance, and I'm starting to wonder if I need to dig in some more to get better at understanding how to support her, and more importantly, exactly how to do that.

We've had lots of problems with fertility. We have been keen for kids for about 4 years, but she has had a lot of health issues. She hasn't been working while she focuses on her health. This has been a huge struggle for her and the further it goes on, the more it intensifies.

Recently she has been confessed to feeling completely alone, like I don't support her at all emotionally, that she can't talk to me about all these issues, like we're on different pages. She feels like her "love bucket" is empty and just feels angry.

I would appreciate any general advice, but the specific advice is would ask for is this - how exactly can I make her feel less alone, and more emotionally supported? Perhaps for many this will be obvious, but it's not something I am very good at, or even really understand. I joke that I'm a robot, but it often isn't that far from the truth - I don't really "feel" much in general, emotions just confuse me, and "offering emotional support" just sounds like meaningless airy-fairy nothingness. It's not something I can relate to needing in the slightest. I thought that over time I'd got better at doing it naturally, because we've been having this kind of issue less & less (it was terrible in the first few years of marriage), but now coming up again and much stronger than before, maybe that's not true. So how do I actually do this? Practically, how do you make someone feel less alone, and more emotionally supported? What are the nuts & bolts of how that looks?

Are there any husbands out there who can relate? How did you work through this? What resources came in handy? Are there any links you can share? I haven't been able to find anything useful in my searching.

Thanks in advance.

You asked for advice from husbands, but I'm a solid ENFP woman, so I could offer some perspective from that position if you'd like.

I keep getting kicked off as I try to post, so I will put this in several shorter posts.
No matter which setting, clinical or home, my results on the personality tests always comes back ENFP, so I can relate to your wife and how she perceives things. I just pulled some of the results from one of my tests and it says ENFPs "can be the warmest, kindest, and most sympathetic of mates; affectionate, demonstrative, and spontaneous." In other words, if the woman loves you, she's into you - into demonstrating her affection for you. That may sound good, but if we're in a relationship with someone who can't relate to that, who can't feel comfortable with that spontaneous affection, then there's where the problems come in.
More on the next post...

I just looked up the characteristics of ISTJs and this paragraph really stands out -

QuoteSince ISTJs make decisions using the Thinking function (rather than Feeling), they are not naturally likely to consider their mates feelings and emotions in daily living. This may be a problem if their mates have the Feeling preference, since Feeling individuals usually expect a lot of positive affirmation, which the ISTJ does not naturally communicate to them. The ISTJ needs to remember that others may need to hear that they are loved and valued, even if the ISTJ doesn't need to hear this him/herself.

We ENFPs "feel" the need to be affectionate and demonstrative but feel unloved if those actions aren't affirmed, and sometimes reciprocated.

More...

Let me put it this way -

With a wife who has a "thinking" personality type, she would feel most loved and supported if you washed the dishes for her, or put the kids to bed early for her. OTOH, if your wife has a "feeling" personality type, she will gladly wash the dinner dishes by herself if you'll walk into the kitchen, pull her up close, and lay a big kiss on her. That's just the way ENFPs are. We want to "feel" that love and support.

When your wife tells you she feels like her "love bucket is empty" she's telling you she's given until she feels empty. She's telling you that she feels emotionally invested in you, but doesn't feel that reciprocated. It's going to take effort on your part since this doesn't feel natural to you, but you sound like you want to make things better, which is very good.

Didn't you ask this same Q over on christianforums.com?

Quote from: DaveW on Thu Oct 01, 2015 - 12:22:49
Didn't you ask this same Q over on christianforums.com?

Is there a problem if he did? 

Did he get any good feedback over there? I never go to that forum.

My wife and I have talked about this on several occasions. Sometimes wives have a love language that isn't what the husbands think it might be. For instance, my wife is not at all into typical romantic stuff that the media and movies might lead husbands to believe, but she loves it when we work together on a project such as digging a flower bed, painting a room, stuff like that. She despises having to ask me to do such things, but she is ecstatic when I volunteer to take on things like this and we spend a whole weekend immersed in the project. I would just as soon veg out and watch football all weekend. Women are definitely wired different that men, but if we can communicate and find out what floats their post tosties, we usually have a much more pleasant relationship. In other words if a husband continually tries to reach his wife with a love language she does not care about, things can seem to a guy rather puzzling. It's kinda like trying to communicate to her in Greek or something.

By the way, I have been married 42 years, and I am still trying to get a handle on it for the most part. But it IS true! If momma ain't happy, nobody's happy!

Thanks mommydi - of course, an ENFP's perspective is welcome! :-) The key question is still "how do I reciprocate?". How do I demonstrate that in a way she understands? What exactly can I do to make her feel that love & support back?

To be honest though, I'm not sure this is about the way love is communicated. Yes, of course I could do a better job at giving her gifts (her love language). But her complaint has specifically been about the way she feels supported, and especially around the pain she's feeling about not being able to have kids.  This isn't generally about "feeling the love" as much as it is about that support and feeling like I'm on her side.

(And yes, I did post this elsewhere also - the more feedback I can get, the better! Hope that's OK.)

OK, are you discounting any of her feelings about the infertility? She probably wants you to listen to her express her frustration and sadness about the infertility - but listen without discounting. Hopefully you aren't doing this, but are you saying things like, "get over it" "don't make a big deal about it" "you're too emotional about it" "you need to think about something else" "there's nothing I can do about it"? Have you mentioned in any way that you can't relate to her grief about the infertility?

Most people want to be heard and validated. Listen to her express her grief about the infertility, and hold her close when she tells you. Validate her pain without discounting it in any way.
ENFPs have a strong drive to comfort others. She's wanting to be comforted by you. Think about some of the ways she's tried to bring you comfort in a difficult situation. That will help define how she might like for you to comfort her.

BTW, I doubt a material gift will help in this situation. She's longing for you to comfort her - emotionally.