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My husband and I have been separated since the end of November, I am devastated.  Our real downfall started when my sister passed away two years ago, I slipped into a deep depression.  My husband and I grew further and further apart, he didn't want to stay at home with someone so sad and I didn't feel like going out.  On the occasion when I did go out with him it would be to a bar we frequent.  I made a horrible mistake and kissed another guy at this bar, I don't even know why.  He saw us, kicked me out of the house that night and I moved to NC (we live in FL) the next day to stay with my mom.  He threatened if I moved back into the house he would file for divorce immediately, so I have stayed away.  He has since dated other women (I have dated no one) and says he has only kissed one of them.  He barely wants to talk to me and a couple of months ago said he thinks we should divorce, after crying together on the phone he stated he wanted to try one more thing and see a pastor about our marriage.  He has been twice, but won't really budge on moving forward.
He states the past couple years have been bad in our marriage, it felt like we were roommates and he doesn't think our marriage can be saved.  He is in a very "me, me, me" place and doesn't feel like fighting.  I want to move back, into my own apartment to be near him and try to work things out.  He states he can not promise he will spend any time with me , and doesn't think it's a good idea.  I feel if I don't move down, I'm just giving up.  I fear if I do, it will be a constant rejection, that I don't know that I can handle.  Any thoughts, ideas? 
He is a good Christian man, and when I ask if he has prayed about this, his reply is no.  He states he hasn't turned his back on God. He just won't seek help from Him when it comes to our marriage, which is very hurtful.
Please help.  Any advise would be helpful.
Thank you!

Quote from: elwe7513 on Sun Mar 26, 2017 - 11:31:36
My husband and I have been separated since the end of November, I am devastated.  Our real downfall started when my sister passed away two years ago, I slipped into a deep depression.  My husband and I grew further and further apart, he didn't want to stay at home with someone so sad and I didn't feel like going out.  On the occasion when I did go out with him it would be to a bar we frequent.  I made a horrible mistake and kissed another guy at this bar, I don't even know why.  He saw us, kicked me out of the house that night and I moved to NC (we live in FL) the next day to stay with my mom.  He threatened if I moved back into the house he would file for divorce immediately, so I have stayed away.  He has since dated other women (I have dated no one) and says he has only kissed one of them.  He barely wants to talk to me and a couple of months ago said he thinks we should divorce, after crying together on the phone he stated he wanted to try one more thing and see a pastor about our marriage.  He has been twice, but won't really budge on moving forward.
He states the past couple years have been bad in our marriage, it felt like we were roommates and he doesn't think our marriage can be saved.  He is in a very "me, me, me" place and doesn't feel like fighting.  I want to move back, into my own apartment to be near him and try to work things out.  He states he can not promise he will spend any time with me , and doesn't think it's a good idea.  I feel if I don't move down, I'm just giving up.  I fear if I do, it will be a constant rejection, that I don't know that I can handle.  Any thoughts, ideas? 
He is a good Christian man, and when I ask if he has prayed about this, his reply is no.  He states he hasn't turned his back on God. He just won't seek help from Him when it comes to our marriage, which is very hurtful.
Please help.  Any advise would be helpful.
Thank you!

If he was, past tense, a God fearing man, he has fallen into sin because he perceived you sinned and in reality, both of you appear to have but you want to repent of it and he does not because he is enjoying his departure from obedience.

God hates divorce and that will not change.  If he divorces you, that will not be your sin, it will be on him.  All I can do is to encourage you to continue to attempt to reconcile and do not let sin catch you up.  You appear to be in the right and you are attempting to remain with God but in the future stay out of the clubs and bars.  As a former performer there I know they are filled with opportunities to sin.

Quote from: elwe7513 on Sun Mar 26, 2017 - 11:31:36My husband and I have been separated since the end of November, I am devastated.  Our real downfall started when my sister passed away two years ago, I slipped into a deep depression.  My husband and I grew further and further apart, he didn't want to stay at home with someone so sad and I didn't feel like going out. 

Your marriage did not fall apart over-night, but seems to done so over a period of time, so reconciliation most likely will not happen at a snap of a finger, but little by little. To be short, you should have never left Florida, a big mistake and maybe will prove to be costly as well...meaning your marriage. Move back and show kindness and sincerity in truly desiring in making your marriage work. There is nothing in your statements that would cause me to think either of you are Christians, except maybe in name only. That's neither here or there as far as you seeking counsel in knowing what to do with your marriage. To your credit, you are at least seeking godly advice now and I truly trust God would show you mercy in reconciling with your husband, and that he would grant him a humble spirit in receiving you back. Bars are no place for husbands and wives to hang out in, for good reasons, one which you said. If you two do get back together, then you MUST NOT pry into his activities while you two were living apart, for no good can come from that, trust me. If you are willing to reconcile, then you must ahead of time be willing to not dig up any relationship that may have occurred during your time apart, or, you will be heading back to N.C. again.

You can only pray and keep on trying to reconcile. Him dating other women is foolish and he may well be lying as to what he has done with them. I disagree with Red, you DO need to know what he has done with these other women, how can you get back together unless you are both honest and open with each other? If he has committed adultery( or had any sort of sexual/physical contact) then you absolutely need to know that before any reconciliation can take place.

In the end you cant force him to reconcile, but I cant see how you can even attempt do so with you so far apart. The home you shared isnt just his, its yours as well, he had no right to throw you out. I would move back there and get back into you home first. Then see a pastor and get some Christian marriage counselling.

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Mar 26, 2017 - 14:15:19
You can only pray and keep on trying to reconcile. Him dating other women is foolish and he may well be lying as to what he has done with them. I disagree with Red, you DO need to know what he has done with these other women, how can you get back together unless you are both honest and open with each other? If he has committed adultery( or had any sort of sexual/physical contact) then you absolutely need to know that before any reconciliation can take place.

In the end you cant force him to reconcile, but I cant see how you can even attempt do so with you so far apart. The home you shared isnt just his, its yours as well, he had no right to throw you out. I would move back there and get back into you home first. Then see a pastor and get some Christian marriage counselling.

As a man that has had four wives, three before I was saved, you are wrong.  What was done during a separation is not healthy subject matter for either party.  Love covers many sins,

Quote from: th1b.taylor on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 09:41:07

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Mar 26, 2017 - 14:15:19
You can only pray and keep on trying to reconcile. Him dating other women is foolish and he may well be lying as to what he has done with them. I disagree with Red, you DO need to know what he has done with these other women, how can you get back together unless you are both honest and open with each other? If he has committed adultery( or had any sort of sexual/physical contact) then you absolutely need to know that before any reconciliation can take place.

In the end you cant force him to reconcile, but I cant see how you can even attempt do so with you so far apart. The home you shared isnt just his, its yours as well, he had no right to throw you out. I would move back there and get back into you home first. Then see a pastor and get some Christian marriage counselling.

As a man that has had four wives, three before I was saved, you are wrong.  What was done during a separation is not healthy subject matter for either party.  Love covers many sins,

She cant forgive if she doesn't know what she is forgiving. He is still married to her and honestly and openness are vital in a marriage, especially if there is to be reconciliation.

As a man that has had four wives, three before I was saved, you are wrong.  What was done during a separation is not healthy subject matter for either party.  Love covers many sins,
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This is not good advice.  If there have been other women during the separation she needs to know who they are so she can protect her marriage from them ever becoming in contact with her husband again.

Her husband needs to write them a letter which is approved by the wife telling them that he never wants to have contact with them again, and the wife needs to mail the letter.  Also, the husbands of those women need to be informed of the activity as well so the husbands can help make sure contact never occurs again.

Similarly, the same thing needs to be done with the man she came into contact with.

All questions need to be answered that one spouse has of the other regarding the unfaithful activities until each spouse knows everything they need to know.

From that point on, extraordinary precautions need to be taken by both spouses so that neither has the opportunity to cheat again.  This includes digital transparency and no close friends of the opposite sex.    One spouse should NEVER talk to a friend of the opposite sex about their marital problems as this just invites affairs and is perhaps the single most common way affairs start.

Quote from: chosenone on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 10:39:20

Quote from: th1b.taylor on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 09:41:07

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Mar 26, 2017 - 14:15:19
You can only pray and keep on trying to reconcile. Him dating other women is foolish and he may well be lying as to what he has done with them. I disagree with Red, you DO need to know what he has done with these other women, how can you get back together unless you are both honest and open with each other? If he has committed adultery( or had any sort of sexual/physical contact) then you absolutely need to know that before any reconciliation can take place.

In the end you cant force him to reconcile, but I cant see how you can even attempt do so with you so far apart. The home you shared isnt just his, its yours as well, he had no right to throw you out. I would move back there and get back into you home first. Then see a pastor and get some Christian marriage counselling.

As a man that has had four wives, three before I was saved, you are wrong.  What was done during a separation is not healthy subject matter for either party.  Love covers many sins,

She cant forgive if she doesn't know what she is forgiving. He is still married to her and honestly and openness are vital in a marriage, especially if there is to be reconciliation.

First of all, as I read this he has no wanting to reconcile.

Yes, openness is vital... but what about his forgiveness of her?
He does not seem to want that

Quote from: Rella on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 13:59:04

Quote from: chosenone on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 10:39:20

Quote from: th1b.taylor on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 09:41:07

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Mar 26, 2017 - 14:15:19
You can only pray and keep on trying to reconcile. Him dating other women is foolish and he may well be lying as to what he has done with them. I disagree with Red, you DO need to know what he has done with these other women, how can you get back together unless you are both honest and open with each other? If he has committed adultery( or had any sort of sexual/physical contact) then you absolutely need to know that before any reconciliation can take place.

In the end you cant force him to reconcile, but I cant see how you can even attempt do so with you so far apart. The home you shared isnt just his, its yours as well, he had no right to throw you out. I would move back there and get back into you home first. Then see a pastor and get some Christian marriage counselling.

As a man that has had four wives, three before I was saved, you are wrong.  What was done during a separation is not healthy subject matter for either party.  Love covers many sins,

She cant forgive if she doesn't know what she is forgiving. He is still married to her and honestly and openness are vital in a marriage, especially if there is to be reconciliation.

First of all, as I read this he has no wanting to reconcile.

Yes, openness is vital... but what about his forgiveness of her?
He does not seem to want that

Yes they will both need to be open and honest and forgiving if they do ever decide to reconcile.

Quote from: Rella on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 13:59:04

First of all, as I read this he has no wanting to reconcile.

Yes, openness is vital... but what about his forgiveness of her?
He does not seem to want that

Rella is correct.  Unless he is willing to provide the transparency she would need to feel safe in his fidelity (and vice versa), he does not want to reconcile bad enough.

Further, it is very difficult for a woman to interest a man by chasing after him as most men do not find that to be attractive.  If she wants to save her marriage, she should pursue him for no longer than 2 or 3 weeks, max.  If he hasn't turned back towards her in that time, it is unlikely that he will do so based on her efforts alone, and she will just be wasting her tears on him to continue on.

If he does not respond to her after 2 or 3 weeks, I would cut off communication with him totally with a letter that tells him that she loves him and wants to be married to him but that his indifference to her is hurting her too much so she must cut off contact with him.  Let him know the conditions under which you would be willing to be married to him (total honesty about and no further contact with other women during the separation and continuing now, digital transparency, no friends of the opposite sex and that he treat you with love and meet your emotional needs while allowing you to meet his.)

You've had a short marriage and no children, so there would be nothing he needs to contact you about unless he wants to reconcile.  Let him know that if that happens and he is willing to meet your conditions, he can communicate to you through a friend of yours who would agree to be designated as an intermediary.  Ask that friend to pass NOTHING along from him unless that friend is convinced your husband will do the hard work to reconcile.

Hugs and prayers,
Sunny Day

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Mar 26, 2017 - 14:15:19I disagree with Red, you DO need to know what he has done with these other women, how can you get back together unless you are both honest and open with each other? If he has committed adultery( or had any sort of sexual/physical contact) then you absolutely need to know that before any reconciliation can take place.

It was her that said she wanted to reconcile with her husband and was asking for advice. It was her that moved away and now desires to save her marriage. I gave two main things to do~moved back to Florida and do NOT pry into his relationship while she was living in another state. Prying into such things and digging up evil can only produce more evil, no good can come from that. I'm almost sixty-nine and have seen where couples had marriage problems and decided to try to make it work where there was sexual relationship involved. Digging into such wicked relationship outside of the marriage bed between husband and wife can have no good result, impossible! My point is this....IF she wants her husband back, then, by all means, reconcile IN PEACE, putting all sins in the past, but there can be no reconciliation while at the same time prying into one's sinful lifestyle! Listen to Solomon:

QuoteProverbs 16:27~"An ungodly man diggeth up evil: and in his lips there is as a burning fire."

Ungoldy people dig up evil in other people's life, EVEN their own spouses just to use it against them, that according to Solomon is ungodly! Both of them sin, let it be IF they desire to reconcile. When you confess your sins to God, do you go into details?  I think not. Confessing our sins to our spouses, in detail has no good effect in building back a relationship that had been hurt. Yes, certain sins can be stated, some should not and most of the time ARE NOT~if the truth is known. Let us be honest and logical and consistent about confessing our sins. Every man will protect his wicked heart while he expects you to reveal yours! Thank God he's is much more merciful than we are.

Quote from: RB on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 15:57:33

Quote from: chosenone on Sun Mar 26, 2017 - 14:15:19I disagree with Red, you DO need to know what he has done with these other women, how can you get back together unless you are both honest and open with each other? If he has committed adultery( or had any sort of sexual/physical contact) then you absolutely need to know that before any reconciliation can take place.

It was her that said she wanted to reconcile with her husband and was asking for advice. It was her that moved away and now desires to save her marriage. I gave two main things to do~moved back to Florida and do NOT pry into his relationship while she was living in another state. Prying into such things and digging up evil can only produce more evil, no good can come from that. I'm almost sixty-nine and have seen where couples had marriage problems and decided to try to make it work where there was sexual relationship involved. Digging into such wicked relationship outside of the marriage bed between husband and wife can have no good result, impossible! My point is this....IF she wants her husband back, then, by all means, reconcile IN PEACE, putting all sins in the past, but there can be no reconciliation while at the same time prying into one's sinful lifestyle! Listen to Solomon:

QuoteProverbs 16:27~"An ungodly man diggeth up evil: and in his lips there is as a burning fire."

Ungoldy people dig up evil in other people's life, EVEN their own spouses just to use it against them, that according to Solomon is ungodly! Both of them sin, let it be IF they desire to reconcile. When you confess your sins to God, do you go into details?  I think not. Confessing our sins to our spouses, in detail has no good effect in building back a relationship that had been hurt. Yes, certain sins can be stated, some should not and most of the time ARE NOT~if the truth is known. Let us be honest and logical and consistent about confessing our sins. Every man will protect his wicked heart while he expects you to reveal yours! Thank God he's is much more merciful than we are.

We will have to agree to disagree.  I dont believe in hiding things or having secrets in marriage, especially when its about relationships with others that may be sexual. There can be no healing or forgiveness if the sins are hidden.

Quote from: chosenone on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 16:05:51We will have to agree to disagree.  I dont believe in hiding things or having secrets in marriage, especially when its about relationships with others that may be sexual. There can be no healing or forgiveness if the sins are hidden.

Now you just introduce a new thought~nothing was said about hiding sins that are STILL ACTIVE, IF that is what you are meaning.....but if you mean that he should go into details about what he did with another woman while they were separated and how often, etc......etc. then you are far off base and very unmerciful and most likely would never forgive if it happened to YOU. Are you speaking about sins that are NO LONGER being practice but had been committed? If he or she are NO LONGER sinning, then confess that you both made some very sinful decisions and forgive each other (after all she kissed another man and all she lack was a perfect place to finish the act of lust that she committed) and move on.

Before I moved back I would make sure that I give up expectations that your marriage problem will be solved quickly if at all otherwise you are setting yourself up for more heartache and failure.  I would want a commitment from him that he would be willing to go to counseling for a specified period of time focusing on how you can start a new relationship- leaving the past and former indiscretions out of the conversation.  Refuse to go there once apologies are made.  Grace and mercy lead to forgiveness.  You have nothing to lose except time and money by moving back and getting closure would be invaluable as well as feeling you had done everything you could to save your marriage.  My prayers are with you both.

Quote from: RB on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 15:57:33
I gave two main things to do~moved back to Florida and do NOT pry into his relationship while she was living in another state 

This is actually horrible advice.  She needs to know who the other women are, they need to be informed by the husband that there will be no further contact, and she needs to protect her marriage from further encounters.  Further, the husbands of the other women need to be informed so a watchful eye against further contact can be maintained from the other betrayed spouse.  If the women are unmarried, that they dated a MARRIED man needs to be exposed to their families by the betrayed wife with a request to encourage the other women to stay away from her husband, a married man.

Without this protection, as well as the digital transparency I mentioned earlier, the marriage will not recover.    The wife will be left wondering who the women were and whether there is still contact whenever the husband is late from work or goes on "appointments", etc.  She will not be able to move past the betrayal.

If the husband is unwilling to disclose the extent of the relationship and write no contact letters, the wife will be wasting her tears to try to reconcile.

Further, it appears that the husband (a married man!) is unwilling to even stop dating these other women, to say nothing of disclose who they are.  Without his complete repentance, "hat in hand" as they say, the marriage will not be safe to the betrayed wife anyway and she should not return to her wayward husband.

Quote from: RB on Mon Mar 27, 2017 - 15:57:33
Prying into such things and digging up evil can only produce more evil, no good can come from that.

This is terrible advice, and is also not scriptural.  The apostle Paul had **NO** hesitation to call out evil doers where ever he encountered them.  He even publicly confronted Peter when Peter's doctrines had gone wrong.   When he heard of an unrepentant man in a sexual sin he wrote to the Corinthians to put him out of the assembly immediately.   Also, Ephesians 5:11 specifically directs us to expose evil.    Jesus Christ himself was constantly rebuking evil all around him, even his so-called spiritual "authorities" who were the Pharisees and Sadducees.

No, no, no.  Hiding evil and covering for it is in no wise biblical.  Cherrypicking a verse out of context to hid evil is distorting God's word.  This betrayed wife has no need to dig up evil; it's right there blaring in her face. 

Now the wife erred as well.  She is repentant.  The problem with this marriage is that the husband is wayward right now and is not repentant.  Until he is repentant, this marriage cannot be saved by her efforts.

One more comment:

Although she is in a different state right now, she needs to find out who these women through any means at her disposal, including hiring a private investigator if necessary, , and expose to their husbands and expose her husband to his family and any of his friends of influence.   

This is the fastest way to kill the affairs.

The husband will not be open to reconciling until his infidelity has been brought to a stop.  The longer he continues in unfaithfulness, the harder it will be to stop it.

Sister i would give you some encouragement that God can heal any marriage.
We had a couple who was divorced for 3 years at our church they repented and got back together just before they remarried other spouses.
I would get on my face and confess this bar kiss sin to God....
Then go down and see your husband face to face and confess your sin to him...ask him to forgive you...
Let God deal with him after that...
Whether you get back together with him or not then it is in Gods hands.....

Quote from: Pkbrother on Tue Mar 28, 2017 - 14:49:21
Sister i would give you some encouragement that God can heal any marriage.
We had a couple who was divorced for 3 years at our church they repented and got back together just before they remarried other spouses.
I would get on my face and confess this bar kiss sin to God....
Then go down and see your husband face to face and confess your sin to him...ask him to forgive you...
Let God deal with him after that...
Whether you get back together with him or not then it is in Gods hands.....

That couple didnt have their marriage healed, they got divorced and then married again. A new marriage. If they divorced for unbiblical reasons then they were right to repent, but how sad they both deeply hurt other people in order to get married.   

First - if going to the bar makes you stumble, than stay away from the bar, (and possibly drinks) Second let me share a story of a man that his wife left him, and how he dealt with it.

He first gave her completely to God, kept positive - he understood faith by action. Avery meal when he set the table for himself and his kids, he ALWAYS set in extra place for her in faith. It did take some time, but she came back, they got help together, and now have an awesome relationship.

Give him over to God, then ask for wisdom on how you can put your faith in God into action.