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Please someone help me!  My husband and I have been married for 17 years in which I have had to have several surgeries leaving me not quite interested in sex.  I have been working on this very hard lately.

Anyway my husband has been searching the internet on personal ads for female friendship (he says it would be just platonic).  He has been emailing the one female for the past two weeks and was going to invite her over to the house so that he could cook her lunch (and I'm talking a very nice meal).  In the meantime I would be at work.

Now he feels that it should be ok with me that any of these female friends that he meets should be able to come over to the house anytime during the day just like any of his male friends would.  I just don't think this is right....please help me!!

I should have mentioned this yesterday - how I found out about this is that I started checking his e-mails which I know was wrong on my part.  When I found out about the lunch I confronted him on it and he said that he had changed his mind about that.  Well not by checking e-mails I have figured it out though that he did have her over yesterday because the chicken breasts that I had in the freezer were gone.  I asked him if he had eaten then and he said that he only had one of course I said but there were 2 in the freezer Thursday.  No answer.

I did write him a letter stating that I was trying to bring the romance and love making back into the marriage and that he would have to be patient.  I also stated that he was the only man I wanted to spend my time with.  I brought up in this e-mail about flirting on the internet and that it was dishonoring to me, our marriage and to God.

I did say that if he needed female companionship (platonic only) that who am I to stop him and that I did not feel it was right to have them at the house when I was at work.  Also stated that I guess my ideas and thoughts on marriage were different than his.  I added a beautiful poem about marriage too.  He won't even talk to me about this letter and it is really killing me.

Thank you all for your advice and support!  Oh by the way he says that I am the only one he wants to be with.

Quote from: Mema91754 on Fri Aug 24, 2007 - 13:50:53

Please someone help me!  My husband and I havve been married for 17 years in which I have had to have several surgeries leaving me not quite interested in sex.  I have been working on this very hard lately.  Anyway my husband has been searching the internet on personal ads for female friendship (he says it would be just platonic).  He has been emailing the one female for the past two weeks and was going to invite her over to the house so that he could cook her lunch (and I'm talking a very nice meal).  In the meantime I would be at work.  Now he feels that it should be ok with me that any of these female friends that he meets should be able to come over to the house anytime during the day just like any of his male friends would.  I just don't think this is right....please help me!!

I think his request is unacceptable.  Your surgery did not limit your ability to have a deep emotional relationship with him, so there is no need for him to go out searching for "platonic" relationships with other women.  You guys need to talk this out - possibly with a third party, like a minister, or counselor.

blessings

Quote from: Mema91754 on Fri Aug 24, 2007 - 13:50:53

Please someone help me!  My husband and I havve been married for 17 years in which I have had to have several surgeries leaving me not quite interested in sex.  I have been working on this very hard lately.  Anyway my husband has been searching the internet on personal ads for female friendship (he says it would be just platonic).  He has been emailing the one female for the past two weeks and was going to invite her over to the house so that he could cook her lunch (and I'm talking a very nice meal).  In the meantime I would be at work.  Now he feels that it should be ok with me that any of these female friends that he meets should be able to come over to the house anytime during the day just like any of his male friends would.  I just don't think this is right....please help me!!

You have two problems, an unsatisfied husband and the makings of infidelity.

Your husbands actions are clearly unacceptable, especially if he is a believer. I can't caution you enough how dangerous it is for a married man to be having "female friends", but associating with them without his wife is a formula for disaster.

I understand your problems, my wife deals with similar issues since our son was born. But don't think if you start giving him sex that will solve the problem. While you should not deny your husbands needs (1Cr 7:5), he definitely should not be chasing other women. That behavior is telling of a deeper problem (Mar 7:21).

If your husband is not saved, he needs to repent and turn his life to Christ.

If your husband is saved, he needs to repent and turn his life back to Christ.

  Is he out of his mind??

Marriage VOWS anyone?!?!? He's playing with fire and he knows it. Would he be ok with you making some "platonic" friendships with males online and inviting them over while he's gone? Sorry, there's absolutely no reason for a married man to be chatting with women and cooking them dinner on his own.

Someone needs to put a stop to this, pronto. Counseling is a good idea.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, prayers for you!  

Not that I would ask you to fake it, but can you fake it?  (If it hurts, consider trying some novel things?)   Neither you nor he wants you to be reduced to feeling like a hooker... and he already has female companionship.  I don't want to throw in any other possibilities because I don't know either one of you, but I would say .... platonic?    They don't answer platonic ads either.

By the way, what's keeping him from having "platonic" female companionship with his wife? Why would he need other women for that?

Major alarm bells.

Cheating isn't just about sex.

Sure its a factor but something else isn't working. He may feel undervalued. He may be bored. He may miss the excitement of the pursuit, but lack of sex alone is rarely it.

You know,

I've been thinking about your situation a bit more and I am starting to think that that you husband might be mad at you.  I know that it is not fair for him to be mad at you for something that you cannot help - and I think he knows it too and that is why he is having a hard time admitting it, even to himself.

I think affairs can occurred due to unexpressed anger - it is a hostile act, often committed out of desperation rather than simply selfish desire.

You both need to find a counselor.  Unfortunately, many man believe a counselor is a person who is going to automatically side with the wife and gang up on them.  Although a good counselor will not do thisl; it might be better to seek out a trusted minister.  My point is, both of you need to find a place where it is safe enough to discuss some not-so-nice feelings; if they are left unexpressed they may manifest outside the marriage.

prayers and blessings

Quote from: mllevaleur on Sat Aug 25, 2007 - 01:03:28
By the way, what's keeping him from having "platonic" female companionship with his wife? Why would he need other women for that?

Yep, he already has female companionship.  One with a two way vow.

Mema,

From reading what you have written, I would strongly suspect your husband has already become physically involved with this woman.  It is highly unlikely that he had her over to your house alone just to eat chicken. Don't let him dupe you into thinking otherwise.  Let him know that you're not stupid enough to believe his story and that you know he's been cheating. Then get some help for yourself (counseling, as suggested by the others) - and your marriage if he's really interested in continuing it.  You will be in my prayers.

You're the only one he wants to be with?  Apparently he wanted to be with chicken-breast-gal too or he wouldn't have invited her over.  And as ConnieL says, if someone has been to the house then perhaps there has been more than a discussion of esoteric spiritual matters going on.

One thing to worry about then is STD's, or whatever it's politically correct to call Venereal diseases these days.

I will try not to get too... detailed.  But I wonder some things.

Of course it is not not NOT OK for him to interact with other women in ways that hurt you.  I'm not saying I'm "on his side" at all.  Understand that.  And these things that I'm wondering do not constitute me trying to be a doctor or counselor to you -- just a 'Net connection sharing some ideas, OK?

But -- here's some stuff that comes to mind, for you to consider.

Is your lessened interest in sex altogether fully only connected to the surgeries?

Is the lessened interest in sex (in your opinion) because of hormonal differences caused by the surgeries?  Or is there particular, specific pain involved when you try intercourse?

Could your lessened interest in sex be somewhat, at least partially, because you have less of "the hots" for your husband in general, because of how he has handled your illnesses, your surgeries, your recoveries?

Are your energy levels a problem?  Are his energy levels a problem?  In other words, are you two likely to try to be as efficient about an episode of intercourse as possible, to get it over with quickly, because either or both of you just don't have the stamina of youth any more?  (Which could possibly leave you with less interest in general, less interest in chandelier-swinging, less time spent all dewy-eyed and admiring of his prowess, fewer opportunities for him to demonstrate his love/caring/arousal/talent on your willing self, etc.)

Are we talking perhaps some lubrication problems?  If so, do you think they maybe could be due to the surgeries, hormone changes?  Or to the combination of factors that make you less likely, and him less welcome, to drag on the foreplay long enough to get you fully interested?

Anyway, I think of that stuff, having either visited some of those things in my own life or heard of them from IRL friends and 'Net friends.

There are things that can be done, methods and angles and different emphases, adjustments of timing, all sorts of stuff, to help you accommodate him more without hurting yourself -- and your interest might even improve a little.   You can P.M. me if this is too weird for you to address "in public" this way.

Also -- If you are even able at all to go into his email, then maybe the trust issues are not as bad as they might be yet.  If he wanted to keep you out out out of his personal private emails, he's have passwords etc. set up to keep you out.  And, if you look at his emails not by going into his accounts, but rather by just looking at what he's getting via email because your computer history reveals it... well, I assume he knows that is possible too.  If he wanted absolute privacy for nefarious purposes, he'd be doing this stuff on a computer you do not have access to.

Either that, or he's ignorant about a lot of computer lore that even technophobes like me can use.

There is nothing wrong with demanding his loyalty.  He is your husband.  You have done right to speak up against this trawling around on the 'Net to see who he might pick up.  (I might be more worried about safety issues myself...)  If he wants platonic female friendship he's got that with you and he can get that as a couple with you at church or a club or something.

Definitely go to counseling.  If you cannot get him to go you go find some alone.  It will do you good and help you touch base with common sense that may be hard to find when you are hurting.

And of course pray pray pray, as always in life.

Other people care about these matters.  Keep us posted, it may help someone else, who was too shy to speak up.

hi .. i am new to the forum and just saw your post and i have few words to say to you whch might help
first of all i can feel from your message the pain you're going through but if you love your husband, you have to pray for him first of all, he will not pray for himself and being his other half, so he needs you to pray for him.

if you love him and can take the pain to remain with him while he's knowing other women , then please seek counseling , dont just go on like that ... pray for his salvation and repention continously , in the mean time go both of you to a marriage counselor and dont forget to keep trying to get better in your health issue so you re-gain your sexual desire again cause this will help ...

but if you dont love him enough to pray and stay with him , and if yo cant take his female relations , so it depends on your church, but no matter what you do please keep praying for him and keep trying to re-gain your full health.

i dont know what else to say but i wish i could help you more..
take care and please keep in touch

behindthislife

It's a very special thing to try to stay together.  When married people hurt each other with infidelities -- or even things that feel like infidelities because emotions and loyalties are involved, but have not actually become affairs -- It's a very special thing when people in that sort of sad time are willing to try to forgive and work it out and let God lead them into a revived relationship again.

We have some who post and read here with us who have been through that -- and they will tell you that of course there was all sorts of pain, but they think it has been worth the hard work to stay together.  And of course we have others who were not able to stay together or did not even think it advisable to try, in their particular circumstance.  They also can tell about the joys and pains of returning to a fuller life after all the turmoil.

However it flows, we can all be sure the journey works a lot better if you cling to the Lord.