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That pretty much sums it up. I dont know where to start. We have had our trouble in the past but nothing major. We went through a really tough spot a few months ago where we argued daily and was growing apart. Well, she claims that she made herself quit caring. I was going through a deep depression and started pulling away. Emotionally, sexually, physically....every way. That went on for about 4 months. As special as what we had is I cant believe that were not worth fighting for. I "came out of my depression" about three months ago and have found peace about my fathers death FINALLY and have really become "myself" again. I am a very sensitive and caring person which is what she loved about me most. I am by others standards an attractive man with a descent build and nice looks. But she tells me that with her new job(as of about 5 months ago) came a new attraction to this cooworker. Now for the last 3 months I have been very loving, supportive, caring and understanding even though she is usually fairly "cold" toward me and is not intimate with me at all. Not even with hugs or "stares". We were always very passionate toward each other before my depression and withdrawal and now nothing. So she tells me"I dont know what I want..I think I might love him..I dunno" She claims nothing has happened and I have no reason to doubt her, but will not "let go"  of him and devote herself to me again. Although, she has agreed to quit that job and has put in her two week notice. I have told her that it is obvious that satan is trying to split our marriage up, but she doesnt want to believe it. She wants to believe that they are her own thoughts and she doesnt know what to do. By her own admission our biggest problem is that she cannott decide between him or me and I have stayed through it all. Just like she stayed through the cold and cruel person I was for a few months because its the right thing to do AND because I am so madly and deeply in love with her and our daughter. I told her tonite that I was not going to leave and split up our family and that if she wnated to rip our family apart for a "new fling" she was going to have to look me in the eyes and tell me she was "Leaving me for another man". Sorry so long but I have never felt pain like this even when my ex-wife had an affair. Any response would be greatly appreciated. I just need someone to talk to that understands that this is spiritual and will give Godly advice. Thank you in advance.

Wow....That is a tough situation to deal with...I have been through something like this in the past...The one thing you said about not leaving and that she will have to look you in the face and tell you she is leaving you for another man, is dead on...Make her own the action and consequence...Do not bow out gracefully..If you do not want to surrender your marriage to Satan, don't....It may not change what she does in the end (it did not help me), but you and the Lord will know you did what was right...

As far as advice..There really isn't any I can give other than to pray for the Lord to put a hedge of protection around your family..Lift them up in prayer at all times....Place a lot of your focus on your child..She will REALLY need you to be there if she decides to leave...

Remember this, you cannot force your wife to stay in the marriage..You cannot even get her to realize she is under an attack from Satan...But you CAN live your life according to God's word and his will for your life...You make sure you concentrate on doing what you are supposed to do and turn the marriage over to the Lord...He is BY FAR more capable in handling the situation than you..I will be praying for you and your family..Keep us informed as to what is happening.

Mac

3 mths ago same thing happened     really tough going through it
just keep letting God into the areas of pain


Wanted her own life back    drifted away from the Lord   started going out to pubs etc    anything just to not be with me.
God spoke this word in the first few days after my wife and 3 kids left
Isaiah 53   4    I have Bourne your grief and carried your sorrows.I didn't have to carry it.The best thing was as soon as I felt the grief I would ask him to take it and fill me with his love and peace.Lots of tears and emotions

God has really done some quick healing in my life and I am believing for you as well.

Just prepare yourself for either way it goes.Dig deep into him and just remember it arnt over until the fat lady sings.

I will be praying for you,your wife, marriage and daughter.

as you dig into God, he is going to cover you, wrap his arms around you
I see a cocoon and you inside    a time of change  a time of Gods covering
Psalm 91
He who dwells in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the almighty.I will say of the Lord,he is my refuge and my fortress;My God in him I will trust.
He shall cover you with his feathers and under his wings you shall take refuge.
Get really close to him and surround yourself with those who can impart life to you.Just receive as much as you can by the spirit

Father release oil for healing over him and his family

Thank you so very much guys. It means alot to me to hear some Godly feedback. Thank you, thank you, thank you , thank you.

My first wife was unfaithful to me (to put it politely) and left me twice, and I took her back and forgave her both times. However, when she said, "I won't change", I had to give up. We separated and divorced. If she doesn't want to choose between you, it sounds like she wants to "have her cake and eat it too"--much like my wife did.

Todd, a good book - "Surviving an Affair" by Willard F.Jr. Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers.  The sourse of divorce is the hardening of one's heart against his/her spouse.  Are you and your wife believers and part of a fellowship?  Have you sought pastoral counselling?  Your extended family and friends, are they supportive? 

I don't know whether or not you can say she's under an attack of Satan.   We women (and men too, but I usually see things from a feminine POV) can manage to get into quite the mountain of relationship trouble all on our own selfish own, thank you very much Mr. Devil, don't need your help.

But, for the effects it is having on her and you two and y'all's marriage, it may as well be Satan coordinating the mess.

I can understand completely what she means by "made herself stop caring", though I wouldn't put it exactly that way.  When faced with a husband going through his own dark, difficult time;  when he is alternately neglectful of his wife, then verbally abusive, then unfairly dictatorial, then he takes her for granted for a while, then he takes his own pain out on her verbally again...

Well, she's vulnerable to that.  She has previously held her heart wide open for him; she has previously laid her whole self bare for him.  When he figuratively stabs her over and over and over in all her most tender heart and mind parts, she has few options.

She can stay tender-hearted toward him and let him keep hurting her and hope she can take it until he mellows out.

She can leave the source of her pain -- him.

She can allow the "scar tissue" to build up and make a sort of protective barrier around her heart -- which is the most common option among faithful women who would rather try just about anything before they leave.  It's a lot easier to function and cope with all your responsibilities in life, in the midst of being repeatedly hurt, if you build up that scar tissue and simply don't bother to feel anything.  You can get a lot more done without breaking down and being useless if you can "fix" yourself so you're no longer vulnerable.

And that being attracted to another man -- eh, that's common and frequent.  The smart woman realizes she's being hurt in other parts of life, and that her hormones are kicking.  She realizes that of course any reasonably attractive man who treats her with kind courtesy is going to catch her eye!

It's all tied into how women function, and how all humans function, when they've been in that shut down / scar tissue mode at home, and a new potential love with no bad history appears on the horizon.

A smart woman will keep herself in prayer, and she will smile and be grateful for the "crush" she fell into regarding the other man -- it proves she's still functional and that there's a soft heart still under there somewhere.  She will keep the whole interesting mess to herself and go home and work on her healing so that she can turn the Awesome Power of the Female Hormonal Crush back on her husband.

I pray your wife is a smart woman.

Todd, sorry I'm late here, but per my therapist (now minister) friend, people who say they can't make up their mind in these situations usually have made up their mind but they want the offended spouse to free them by being the one declaring it is over and cannot continue. That way they at least get relief from being the one to end the marriage.

It seems to me that if they are married, when they said their vows they already made up their mind.

I would have told her, "Then I will decide for you. You can have him, because you can't have both of us."

Quote from: Jon-MarcI would have told her, "Then I will decide for you. You can have him, because you can't have both of us."

I'd go along with that.

Any update, Todd?

Quote from: Jon-Marc on Fri Jul 11, 2008 - 12:18:38
I would have told her, "Then I will decide for you. You can have him, because you can't have both of us."

Yes... I would think I would say the same if it were reversed in my life.  I would not share that place God granted me in marriage with another woman either.

However, if there has been no sexual intercourse... there is no adultery, and no just cause for divorce.  So... you have to deal with a situation where it is thus far.... just temptation and not full sin. 

Still, I'd force the issue and make sure that we went to our pastor and sought counseling ASAP.  If there has been adultery... Then it is time for someone to choose.