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My wife has a tendency to blow up at times in a public setting (usually while leaving - typically because of being hurt or frustrated) leaving me in the dust and the aftershocks for clean up detail.   The latest was last night during a frustrating VBS planning session.   She felt hurt and offended and instead of biting her tongue, she let it rip, walked out - once again leaving me to either 1) go join her in spousal emotional support or 2) stay and deal with the damage.   I stayed - like I usually do - to work through it.  Anybody else deal with this thrill?

I would want to ask first if she really is being hurt? Do you see her side of it but just wish she would handle it better? I know in my past I always allowed people to bully me, when I should have spoken up. At least maybe she has the courage to say something.

Not enough info

Quote from: seekr on Thu Jun 26, 2008 - 12:37:36
I would want to ask first if she really is being hurt? Do you see her side of it but just wish she would handle it better? I know in my past I always allowed people to bully me, when I should have spoken up. At least maybe she has the courage to say something.

Not enough info

I do see her side of it.  I see their side of it.  I do wish she would have handled it different, but after almost 26 years of marriage (in august) this is nothing new.  Over the years there have been some real lulu's.  People are frustrating.  Collective decisions are frustrating.  Business meetings are frustrating.  Free will versus predestination merry-go-rounds are frustrating.  But I don't leave her to deal with my sniper attacks.  (That isn't courage) She really does not want to be hurtful or unkind - this is how she deals with feelings of inadequacy, frustration, exhaustion, etc

I appreciate more the fact that people can speak their mind and get to the point far more than a whisper campaign behind the scenes.  But words hurt.  Anger engenders hurt, anger, pain.   It never really is reversible - as if pain was never inflicted.  I was wondering who else deals with this in their relationships.

In my family my husband is very outspoken and can get tough when tough is needed and sometimes I wish he was a little more gentle. He is gentle in a lot of ways and can really be there for others and has a heart for people that hurt. His attitude has actually taught me to be more compassionate and yet know when to be tough. He will get in someone's face and let them have it and says that they will learn from it.

Maybe with your wife it's a positive thing and you could look at it differently?

I have no choice but to see it and treat it as a positive thing.  After 26 years of marriage, she has strengthen and supported me and encourage me and helped me in ways no other human being could.  But the loved ones with collateral damage do not have this relationship.  When considering collateral damage: One would not leave a bleeding man to bleed or a wound left to fester.  The emotional wounds and pathologic damage done to the "guilty" as well as the innocent bystanders can be staggering.  I have had to be the medic.  That has been my role.  Did your husband speak his mind and then leave you to deal with the consequences?

Quote from: zoonance on Thu Jun 26, 2008 - 12:32:35
My wife has a tendency to blow up at times in a public setting (usually while leaving - typically because of being hurt or frustrated) leaving me in the dust and the aftershocks for clean up detail.   The latest was last night during a frustrating VBS planning session.   She felt hurt and offended and instead of biting her tongue, she let it rip, walked out - once again leaving me to either 1) go join her in spousal emotional support or 2) stay and deal with the damage.   I stayed - like I usually do - to work through it.  Anybody else deal with this thrill?

Mike,

You mentioned that you usually stay behind to manage the damage control. Have you ever thought about just taking option 1, and joining her for that spousal emotional support? I mean the situation will take care of itself in most cases, but shouldn't your wife be taking the priority of importance?

Even if she has a temper control problem, she is still your wife.

QuoteDid your husband speak his mind and then leave you to deal with the consequences?

Sometimes it seems like that but I also have realized over the years the good that's come out of it. Real love causes real forgiveness and it is that way in our family. If my husband wrongs someone he makes it right. But for the most part he just believes we all are human and filled with error that needs to be overlooked unless it is something really evil.

Something recently... is that we can be so wrong sometimes in our views and the enemy loves disruption, and there is no one exempt from his schemes (thank God for grace) and I was upset over something that I saw wrongly. My husband became quiet and with tears said that if he thought that is who I was then he would not be with me. He said that he knows my heart and how loving I am so that other part didn't matter. My husband looks at everything from a very logical perspective and has a high IQ but it is the heart for God that makes the difference. he sees things in people that the y do not see in themselves so I have learned to allow a lot also as he is imperfect too.

Quote from: Charles Sloan on Thu Jun 26, 2008 - 13:05:57

Quote from: zoonance on Thu Jun 26, 2008 - 12:32:35
My wife has a tendency to blow up at times in a public setting (usually while leaving - typically because of being hurt or frustrated) leaving me in the dust and the aftershocks for clean up detail.   The latest was last night during a frustrating VBS planning session.   She felt hurt and offended and instead of biting her tongue, she let it rip, walked out - once again leaving me to either 1) go join her in spousal emotional support or 2) stay and deal with the damage.   I stayed - like I usually do - to work through it.  Anybody else deal with this thrill?

Mike,

You mentioned that you usually stay behind to manage the damage control. Have you ever thought about just taking option 1, and joining her for that spousal emotional support? I mean the situation will take care of itself in most cases, but shouldn't your wife be taking the priority of importance?

Even if she has a temper control problem, she is still your wife.

This is why I posted.  You are absolutely correct.  1)  If I put on my husband cap, I should go and comfort her.  Period.   2) If I put on my "whatever it may be called cap"  (damage control, gossip killer, blame reducer, public defender/protector of her, communication coordinator, etc

I have done both.  1) comforts her   2) makes it easier to find forgiveness, etc.

Zoo, This is a tough one.  I see your first responsibility as to your wife.
I think initially you need to be there for your wife and make sure she knows that you can see her point of view.
To support her emotionally. 
She probably has some wounds from way back in the past that resurface for her in some of these situations.  I blew this with my husband way too many times.  I thought it was my job to get him to see the other point of view, but all he really needed was to be heard. 
 
Does she see her behavior as a problem? 
Maybe she should be the one who has to do her own damage control.

Would she be open to counseling? 
If these emotional wounds from her past could be dealt with and healed, her behavior will change.

Just a few ideas.

God Bless

Quote from: zoonance on Thu Jun 26, 2008 - 12:32:35
My wife has a tendency to blow up at times in a public setting (usually while leaving - typically because of being hurt or frustrated) leaving me in the dust and the aftershocks for clean up detail.   The latest was last night during a frustrating VBS planning session.   She felt hurt and offended and instead of biting her tongue, she let it rip, walked out - once again leaving me to either 1) go join her in spousal emotional support or 2) stay and deal with the damage.   I stayed - like I usually do - to work through it.  Anybody else deal with this thrill?

Hey, I'm married to your wife!

My husband is the sweetest of pushovers, but can occasionally lose (or loose) his temper.  Worse, since he's a big guy, that temper tantrum can be scary to those who don't know him well.

Sure, there are reasons for his temper.  Matter of fact, he's almost always in the right - before the fit.  But that doesn't excuse it.  My husband has lost his temper with everyone from the other team's soccer coach to the youth pastor.  However, no matter how frustrated he was, he's never thrown a fit with his boss, or a traffic cop.  He has the ability to control himself; he just needs help remembering to do so.

Have you considered a third option - neither 1 nor 2?  Maybe option 3 would be to help her take responsibility for her own behavior.

After the VBS dustup, don't go comfort your wife and tell her she was right.  But also don't stay and fix everything.  Just stand up, tell the group 'it looks like MaryBell's feeling a little frustrated right now.  You guys better finish up without us.'  Then walk out to the car and leave with your wife.  When she's settled down a bit, tell her 'I understand how frustrating that was, but you hurt Mrs. Jones, and that wasn't okay.'  Let MaryBell fix her relationship with Mrs Jones herself.

Personally, I get the best results when I refuse to participate in my husband's temper fit, neither condoning it nor fixing the fallout.  Making his own apologies is hard for him, but whenever he's done so, he's grown from it.  And it goes without saying that staying out of it is hard for me.

So, that's some free advice-and worth what you paid for it.

She wrote a little note asking for forgiveness and gave the main characters a hug.  Very nice.  There is still some tension since we are all cursed with a memory, but the past is again the past!  Thanks everybody for your insight and support.

Yep, I deal with this thrill, have been for 19 years now.

I have been embarrassed, ashamed, and just plain humiliated many times because of my husbands mannerism toward other people. He doesn't hold back his emotions at all, and people get the wrong idea about him. When it comes to myself and our children we're use to him so we just shake our heads and move on but it's difficult for others to do the same and I hate when they make remarks to me about it.

Which is sad because the truth is,  most people couldn't carry his dirty shorts as far as integrity goes.   Including myself, if I'm honest.

This is what I haved learned. He may not be the sweetest guy around all the time but....

----------------He gets up every morning, no matter what, and shows up at work and works hard everyday

----------------He's a loyal person  and I have never had issues with him regarding other women, porn etc 

---------------He loves and his takes care of his children

--------------He can be counted on for anything he says , his word is reliable

Now when I weigh those things against the uncomfortable feeling I get when he gets someone mad by his words, it just seems worth it for me to tolerate his faults, and the fact that  we don't make friends easily because I worry about how he might act and embarrass me sometimes. 

I feel it's only fair to add that I have many faults as well, that he has to put up with. 

Quote from: kmv on Tue Jul 01, 2008 - 20:46:16
Have you considered a third option - neither 1 nor 2?  Maybe option 3 would be to help her take responsibility for her own behavior.

After the VBS dustup, don't go comfort your wife and tell her she was right.  But also don't stay and fix everything.  Just stand up, tell the group 'it looks like MaryBell's feeling a little frustrated right now.  You guys better finish up without us.'  Then walk out to the car and leave with your wife.  When she's settled down a bit, tell her 'I understand how frustrating that was, but you hurt Mrs. Jones, and that wasn't okay.'  Let MaryBell fix her relationship with Mrs Jones herself.

Personally, I get the best results when I refuse to participate in my husband's temper fit, neither condoning it nor fixing the fallout.  Making his own apologies is hard for him, but whenever he's done so, he's grown from it.  And it goes without saying that staying out of it is hard for me.

So, that's some free advice-and worth what you paid for it.

KMV, you offered excellent advice.  Bravo.   

"Verbally explosive but otherwise loving and tender" sounds contradictive to me. For example: My second wife was a very angry woman with a terrible temper, and she CONSTANTLY criticized EVERYTHING I said and did. She was loving--for the first two weeks, and then all hell broke loose. I wonder to this day why I married her.

My husband is verbally explosive and i'm the soft spoken type and really never grew up with yelling and screaming in the house. Maybe because im also the only child. But when i get married everything change. My husband has a quick temper and it always hurt me whenever he start running his mouth. But the thing is eventhough he is like that, he is a good husband. he took care of me and never a day passed by without him telling me he loves me.  before whenever he start running his mouth, i always end up crying. but now, i know what to do. just let him express his frustration or anger and me to just shut up and run my mouth after he is settled already...

Quote from: Charles Sloan on Thu Jun 26, 2008 - 13:05:57

Quote from: zoonance on Thu Jun 26, 2008 - 12:32:35
My wife has a tendency to blow up at times in a public setting (usually while leaving - typically because of being hurt or frustrated) leaving me in the dust and the aftershocks for clean up detail.   The latest was last night during a frustrating VBS planning session.   She felt hurt and offended and instead of biting her tongue, she let it rip, walked out - once again leaving me to either 1) go join her in spousal emotional support or 2) stay and deal with the damage.   I stayed - like I usually do - to work through it.  Anybody else deal with this thrill?

Mike,

You mentioned that you usually stay behind to manage the damage control. Have you ever thought about just taking option 1, and joining her for that spousal emotional support? I mean the situation will take care of itself in most cases, but shouldn't your wife be taking the priority of importance?

Even if she has a temper control problem, she is still your wife.

I agree, that your wife should come first....But my wife is similar....She blows up at the littlest of issues, talks down to people and yells, to try to get her point across....Quite frankly, it is very shallow and embarrassing.
I like to treat others as I want to be treated....Then in comes my petite wife...Demanding to be heard....Most of the time, all that happens is the person on the recieving end of her little rant.....Simply, refuses to cooperate (because of her temper)
So, I try to correct her little attitude and then I get yelled at....I will not cater to her little fits anymore.....It is not acceptable to me....So I will not comfort her for being in the wrong.....It only, reassures her that it is OK to treat people, with disrespect