Christian Forums

Quote from: janine on Thu Sep 18, 2008 - 20:27:40
You certainly have enough resources to dig through for help.

The one thing you should cut out of the equation, the one sliding unpredictable undependable factor, is your spouse.

If you stay, do it as a woman who is trying to make a life with the Lord for yourself and your girl.

If you go, do it as a woman who is trying to make a life with the Lord for yourself and your girl.

Fish or cut bait, one or the other.  But at least cut bait until you can fish.

And remember both fish and bait will start to stink like the Devil if you don't do something with them.

You are right, unfortunately I do not have any money to get a place for us on my own right now which is why I needed to stay at my mom's house until I can get work and find a place for us.  I am/was very excited (scared as well but) at the idea that I was going to finally be in a position to make a life and find a place for my daughter and I but with my fathers email to me retracting what we had agreed on originally I don't know what to think now!

Kim I understand you get confused and that you are doing the best you know how to make your decisions.  I understand that after living a life being abused your self-esteem and self-worth come into doubt for you, you don't know how to follow your instincts and voices from God because they get cluttered in doubt.

Many here have tried to give you sympathy, empathy, and good sound advice.  I am sad to see you fighting against it to some extent.  You need to try to step outside of yourself for a moment in time, and go back and read this thread.  There are a LOT of people in this forum who have been through emotional abuse.  Just because they do not have PERSONAL experience with your life, doesn't mean they don't understand and know what they're talking about.  If that were so, then when YOU give advice to others it should also be discounted because YOU don't have personal experience with THEIR lives.  God gave us experiences to share with others, it's how God makes "good" come from the "bad".  Do not take our experiences and knowledge lightly.

I know you are thinking "I'm not" - which is why I'm asking you to step back and read this thread.  You are not seeing the whole picture.  You've come a long way, yes, and nobody is saying you haven't.  Everybody is trying to help, but you are stuck in a rut the size of a ditch that you can't see out over the edge.  Let us lift you up and help you see.  We love you in the purest form of Christian love.  Sometimes God uses people to serve many purposes, from encouragement to shared joy to knowledge; and sometimes God uses people to help turn someone around from a bad path.  Many times that's how people get saved, by God working through His children.

Faithlynn took a lot of time to join this forum JUST for you.  She has known abuse herself personally, she TAUGHT about it, she has known hundreds of women just like yourself.  But because you disagree with her view on your father, she almost became an "enemy" to you, and you quickly defended against her words.  Of all the people who answered you, she is the one with the most knowledge to offer you.

I don't know what I think of that view about parents not helping; personally I agree with helping children at any age but I have also seen that backfire in teaching children to stand on their own two feet.  But that's really not the issue here.

There were alternative choices you could make.  I understand why you are there.  I also understand that if something happens to your daughter you will be held accountable for the choices you have made and it won't matter "who" personally understands then.  The fact is, you left an abusive household to go to a shelter, and now that it is on record that will be taken into consideration should anything else happen.  As far as I can see most of your decisions are made when you have your husband's and your father's approval.  Think about the logic of that.

You are your father's child, but at this point in time you are an adult, a mother - and you have a responsibility to fulfill as your Father's child.  Think about the child that grows up, angry and hurt and hateful because of her abusive childhood.  Think about the child that grows up praying to God to help her but the answers don't come.  Think about the child that is grown up, who has turned from God because He never helped her before.  You've heard this type of argument from countless people, even right here in this forum.  But God can't control what people do with His guidance because of free will.

Your daughter could be that child. 

I feel for you, I really do.  But I also feel you crossed into a terrible path of keeping yourself down and you don't see that.  You need to snap out of the "victim" mode and protect her.  It's your job.  You rejoiced when God answered your prayer and your husband appeared to be compliant in what you wanted.  What I saw was that God continued to give you doors when you shut others.

You sat down and cried in pain when your father rejected your coming home.  You wanted it to work out a certain way, and if it doesn't work that way well then all is lost.  Your decision to go home hinges on your father changing from a way he's been all his life.  Not all that realistic, is it?  Maybe God knew more harm would come to you and your daughter if you stayed there and He's protecting you once again.  You need to trust God a little bit here Kim.  GOD GAVE YOU ANSWERS KIM.  Hear them.  Good suggestions for a plan, various places to go, advice to go to a shelter so that your family would not be harmed if your husband retaliated... can you say for sure that God doesn't already know what might happen so He was trying to guide you in a way that protected you and other people?  I don't know either - that's the point.  But I have the faith to believe He's got it under control, so you don't have to.

Most clear to me, and the reason behind my saying you are seeing things clearly, is your childhood friend who offered you money to come home and a place to stay indefinitely, and you rejected it for your own reasons.  God answered you Kim, it just wasn't what you wanted to hear - you wanted your DAD to respond and darnit you're not budging until some of the stuff inside YOU gets resolved.  You're hurting yourself.  GOD ANSWERED YOU and you doubted His will and rejected yet another answer.  It isn't for you to doubt Kim, God knows what He's doing.  Perhaps your friend will be blessed in some way by your presence.  Perhaps your friend isn't saved and your being their will start her on a path to Christ.  Perhaps He had a job lined up for you near her home that would have richly blessed you, your daughter, or others.  Perhaps some other event or person you run into will result in blessings to many others.  And you closed that door.  You pray for guidance and then retain absolute control.  It has to be the way you worked out in your mind, or it JUST won't work.  This is how Christians get a little messed up - they don't see that God isn't here to answer their prayers the way they want Him to, and while they would agree that's the wrong thing to do they don't see it in their very own lives.

When we interfere with God's will, we are stealing blessings from others, robbing others from what God wanted in their lives also.  Of my time on this earth, I have noticed that blessings are rarely independent - they are woven into our lives like we are all a giant piece of fabric.  With lots of holes in it where people haven't obeyed or listened, and then people wonder why the fabric unravels at times.  God's a good seamstress, He'll create new threads and patterns and work around those holes, but in the blanket He puts around your life you'd be a whole lot warmer if it weren't for those darned holes.

If you've noticed people are becoming a little firmer with you, it's because they see what you are blinding yourself to and we are still just trying to help you.  You asked God for an angel.  He sent you several.  It's time to take their hand and walk blindly with faith without steering the outcome yourself.  Let the blessings come.  Let God take the wheel.  He knew how to drive long before you.

  Awesome post!  I couldn't have said it better myself.   Though not in Kim's shoes, I was still ministered to by the following words you used:  You pray for guidance and then retain absolute control.  It has to be the way you worked out in your mind, or it JUST won't work.  This is how Christians get a little messed up - they don't see that God isn't here to answer their prayers the way they want Him to, and while they would agree that's the wrong thing to do they don't see it in their very own lives.   

I'm too often guilty of wanting to be the one at the wheel, instead of letting Jesus drive.  Thanks for the reminder.

Another thing...Faithlynn spent a long time offering solid advice.  Kim, now it's up to you to take the next step.  No one can do it for you.

We do care about you and want you to have a much better life than the one you are now experiencing. 

Here is a Bible verse for you:  Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
   

Thanks True.  It is nice to know that the lessons learned from my own years of heartache help someone else.

While I disagree with what Kim is doing right now, I respect her for having the courage to lay all her cards out on the table for everyone's scrutiny.  I don't know if I could do that.  It took courage.  She is a strong woman who thinks she is weak. She has begun to see her strength and now just needs to embrace it, and life. 

What an awesome blessing Thunder!   God has used you to help many, many people and I for one am very grateful that you allowed Him to do so.  Letting go of control and of my idea of the way I want things to be has to be one of the toughest things to do but the irony of it all is God's way is SOOOOOOOOOOO much better than mine but, I can't see it till I trust Him and let go.  We do all love you Kim and we do understand how difficult letting go is.  The things being said to you are out of love, understanding, and experience and they are gifts from God.  But, believe me, I said no to a bunch of Gods offers too but its never too late to start saying, yes, I will trust you God even though this is not the way I want it or see it.

I'm not and I don't think I have come across ungrateful to anyone and I have always looked for God's way and not my own.  However I am a bit turned upside down right now and I don't need anyone to point out how I am an adult etc...  I am well aware of my age, however again no one else knows the specifics of my family relationships and I do not think there is anything wrong with my wanting help from them.  Also I appreciate Faithlynn joining to give me advice but again I was berated over my age and being an adult by her and I think it would be true if I say that she talked down to me in several places.  She also stated that she had a job and money when she left, that is great but I don't!  I have been a stay at home mom for 4 years and for most of that didn't even have a car and have lived in 3 different states, so everyone's situation is different and because you did it a specific way doesn't mean I can do the exact same thing.  If someone else had resources available to them that is great but I am in a different place with that and I will not subject my daughter to having stay in a disease ridden place with now several people who's behavior is not much better then my husband can be.

I am quite confused because others here suggested that I go to my family for help, so I have and now I read that I am an adult and need to stand on my own?  I've been standing on my own for quite some time now inculding in the middle of all of this junk and have taken several steps and measures to make a change in this whole thing so I am really not sure what it is that some "disagree with what I am doing"?  Also as far as not expecting help from my family at my age, I try to expect nothing from anyone but if we are expected by God to help strangers when we are able then to me that means we should be there even more so for our family.

I went to the shelter, it was disgusting and my daughter was terrified so I didn't stay and others said they agreed with my decision.  Meanwhile I contacted my family and was making arrangements to go back to NJ and my father agreed to help and then retracted on me and I am trying to contact him to resolve whatever the issue is.  My best friend offered for us to go there and I thought it may be selfish for my daughter and I to sleep on the futon in her living room because she has a small house with her husband and two daughters.

I also managed with the intervention of the Lord to get my husband to agree to let us go amicably and without trouble, so I don't know where it is to everyone that I am doing things my way and not God's and where it is that I am not letting go etc..  Someone needs to explain this to me in some sort of specifics.

So sorry if I have offended or seemed ungrateful to anyone, but I am a bit confused here!  Maybe I could ask if any of you were in my situation at one time how did you feel and who did you go to for help?

The last thing I think you are is ungrateful.  I think you have come a long way in the last weeks and are one of the most grateful people on this forum.

The "adult" thing was never intended to be "talking down" to you.  The intention is to state that in spite of how you feel about your family, your husband, etc., that those things cannot overshadow protecting your daughter.  You are a "daughter" when you talk about your family, the point was that you need to let that go and be the "mother" right now.  It's about the mindset.  If a bank robber had a gun pointed at your daughter's head, you would kick into big time "mother" mode.  That's the frame of mind you need to be in to get through this.  It takes that incredible strength that God blessed us mothers with.  (Sorry to offend any men, but there's something special about maternal instincts).

There's nothing wrong with wanting help from your family in some form or another.  That's what families are supposed to be about.  Yes, others did tell you to ask your family, but then you did - and you got your answer.  Where it goes wrong is staying in your situation until you get the answer you want from your father.  There are other options.  I wouldn't expect you to go back to the filthy shelter.  I do think you should consider contact the churches in NJ (the ones your church told you about) for possible assistance; a different/better-run shelter (and I'd bet Faith could hook you up), or to your friend's house.  It doesn't have to be for a long time, and after you get "wherever" you might have a job, etc., that opens further doors.  The goal is just to get out right now.  Your mom lives in that house, she said you were welcome, so can you not go stay with her?  If your father gets mad then maybe by then you'll have a job and you can get a place for you and even your mom... you never know the path God has in store for you.

With what your father sent you and your friend was willing to send, do you have enough to pay for the trip up there?  If not, can you ask your church?   You had a car when you left for the shelter, I think; but later said you don't have a car, so I am confused about that.  Do you have a car to take?  Can it pull the u-haul you have booked?  Or is the Uhaul a truck that you drive and you are leaving the car.

Your friend offered you her place.  That was her choice and by no means makes you selfish in any way.   I stand by my comments about not knowing what plan or blessings God has in store and to trust that things happen for a reason.

I know you're very upset about your family.  You asked what others felt like.  I will tell you.  My family turned on me.  Lied, deceived, worked against me and made my life harder.  I knew they weren't the ideal family when I let them assist me, but I let it happen because I thought I had no alternatives.  What a mistake.  Things don't change, hard as you want them to.  I had spent years unloved - and I just wanted them to love me because I needed that.  I used to cry "why don't they love me".  I think that is, in part, what motivates you also.  It isn't your father's positive answer that you want nearly as much as a sign of his love.

I learned to live without it.  I now have platonic relationships with my family, it's just never going to be what I dreamed of.  I don't understand why I'm so outcast.  But I have accepted that I am.

I used to fall in a heap and cry that nobody understood.  I would tell my friends a thousand details trying to make them understand, because they just DIDN'T.  They would tell me to forget my family, I was good and decent and that I could do this on my own but... they just didn't understand.  I would tell them more details, and cry to them, trying to make them "see" my side of it.  When in fact, none of them were against my side to begin with, they just knew I needed to pick myself up, dust myself off, and do what needed done.  I would get very angry with them when they got strict with me, but it was some of those words that snapped me out of it.  I was SO stuck in my own misery I didn't see that I was keeping myself there.  The details of so long ago, I don't remember anymore.  The details didn't matter.  The overall scope of "I'm in a bad situation and I have to change it" is what mattered.

Trust me Kim, I had a list a mile long of why I couldn't do a hundred things.  I can still see the frustrated looks on my friends' faces trying to convince me my world wasn't as dark as I thought.  I just want to see your world get better.

We're all on your side here Kim and you have done some amazing things and are an amazing mom.  No one, as far as I can tell is putting you down in any way.  Mainly, I think what we see is you wanting something specific from your earthly father that he isn't willing or capable of giving and we just want to reassure that it doesn't matter.  Your heavenly Father is willing and capable but you just have to turn that control over to Him. It will be okay and you will get through this!   

Kim -

I spent quite a while yesterday responding to your last message and with one wrong move - poof it was gone, so I must not have written what God wanted me to.       

When I was a child, if my grandmother thought I was feeling a little too sorry for myself she would tell me to look around me because I could always find someone in worse shape.  I frequently remember her words and realize once again just how intelligent she was. 

You are correct when you say I don't know the dynamics of your family but I understand better than you might think.  I was raised by a father who believed that to spare the rod meant you spoiled the child (as many of his generation believed).  When I was approximately five or six years old, I can remember being whipped with a belt because a TV was turned back on after Dad turned it off (the fact that it was my cousin that did it was overlooked).  My mother began wiping the blood off and tending to the wounds on my legs.  Dad got even angrier because Mom was focusing on me and began yelling that all I was trying to do was make them get a divorce.  I remember thinking "what is a divorce

As for helping our children, I personally believe you help them to the extent you are no longer helping them.  I have helped my children but the day one of them takes an attitude with me that I owe them, I will know that somehow I messed up and I will practice tough love.  I help because I love them and not because I owe it to them.  My husband and I are currently helping a daughter who just left her abusive spouse even though she didn't ask for it.  We know by her actions and tone of voice just how much she appreciates what we are doing.   

I know you believe you are teaching your daughter that her father's behavior isn't right but how are you doing this?  Standing up to him and fighting with him is not the way to show her what a good relationship is like.  It only teaches her to disrepect her father because of his actions.  The fact that she is already talking back to her father in order to take up for you shows her disrespect for him (a man – and so the cycle goes on).  It is a parent's place to defend a child – not the other way around.  You have to take a stand – either strive for a better life somewhere else or take every step you can to improve your current life (and that means counseling or taking steps to improve your relationship).  While getting on forums and telling of your frustrations about your life may help momentarily, it doesn't change anything.  I know because I have been where you are and I know my children suffered as a result.  To forge a better life for my family, I had to accept responsibility for my actions – the only actions I could change.   

I used to ask God for His help rather than asking for His guidance – "let thy will be done

Please fix your focus on Christ. He only gives peace

sesan oguntade

Quote from: sesantek on Tue Sep 23, 2008 - 04:59:44
Please fix your focus on Christ. He only gives peace

sesan oguntade

I am trying to look only to Him, I am at a crossroads now and trying to decide which choice is the right one but I know everything is in His hand!  Thank you!

Hi everyone, I have an update for anyone who is interested and I want to apologise for being so touchy before!

I am scheduled to leave for NJ on 10/11-  I had finally spoken with my father by telephone last week and over the course of a few days we worked everything out, it got a bit worse before it got better but in the end in his own way he apologised for the unfriendly things he wrote and said to me.  He didn't say right out but explained all the things going on that he was concerned about with others and also too many hands stirring the pot apparently (which doesn't surprise me).  Anyway, he sent me money for the move and was very kind the last time I spoke with him.

I still have my offer from my friend to stay with her, which I was going to do before my father got in touch with me.  Still I do not think if there is another option that it would be fair to her family to take over her living room and also put her in a position to have to help store my belongings-  I love them all (her whole family dearly) and I am so happy that they are still there for me after all these years (her little brother included, whom I have spoken to a couple of time over the phone- last time I saw him he was 15 yrs old!).

I am looking forward to a change in my life but am also very nervous and intimidated- I haven't worked in 5 yrs. and my daughter hasn't ever been in daycare so we haven't been parted at all since her birth.   I could use prayers for strength and confidence!

It is difficult being around my husband during this time even more as I have been feeling alot of anxiety and his behavior is much the same-  one day he is proclaiming his love for me, trying to touch me etc. and talking about how we will be together again because he will come to NJ in the summer and get a place for all of us,  another day he is telling me that I have nothing to worry about if it doesn't work out for us because he will never try to take my daughter away or jeopardize my relationship with her,  and then still on other days he gets a bad attitude to me, makes a fight over everything and declares how he may have to get ugly if I don't do things as he wants me to (ie.. he wants me to come back to FL for Christmas week with our daughter- I do not want to but agreed because I didn't think it would be right for him to be alone during Christmas).  So anyway when it really comes down to it he is still unrepentant for his behavior all these years and tells me that "he hasn't done anything wrong and will not take responsibility for the state of our marriage", yet at the same time he talks about how we will be together again and that this is just a temporary situation due to his parole and finances  (?  I seriously don't get him ?)

Anyway that is the update- please pray for me both for safety during the trip (I will be driving my daughter and I by myself for 1268 miles) and for the ability and confidence to support my daughter emotionally, spiritually and financially in NJ.  Oh and please pray for my daughter as she cries whenever I talk of the idea of her going to school or me going to work (it makes my heart break!).

Kim

 You will be in my prayers.  I'm actually in DE, Kim, so depending on where you're at in Jersey, you might be close..ha!::kissing::  I emplore you to check out www.drirene.com  It's a great site with a lot of information about abuse and they have an awesome supportive message board on there too.  You'll see me on there too 

Quote from: Supergirl9801 on Wed Oct 01, 2008 - 13:53:52
You will be in my prayers.  I'm actually in DE, Kim, so depending on where you're at in Jersey, you might be close..ha!::kissing::  I emplore you to check out www.drirene.com  It's a great site with a lot of information about abuse and they have an awesome supportive message board on the are too.  You'll see me on there too 

Thanks supergirl, I will be in Central Jersey (by the shore as they say) where I grew up-  DE is not that far away, maybe I will have friends soon for the 1st time in years!  I checked out the site a little bit, I am just so weary from all this, I have been trying not to keep a constant flow of it in my head.  I will check it out in more detail soon- I am just trying to get through this next week and he is making it as painful as he can.  He complains that I won't even engage in conversation with him, so then when I try my best to be nice and make general conversation with him, he waits til he thinks I am relaxed and then swoops down on me like a vulture!  I am so tired in every way!

Love to you,
Kim

I remember those vulture feelings.  You just stay strong and stay tapped in to God's power, love and strength.  He is and will see you through this.

Hi Serenity,
I am mustering all the strength I can work up to keep my eyes on God and focus on what is ahead, as well as trying really hard not to get caught up in his challenges and banter- very difficult but doing my best.

Thank you for being here!
Kim

I believe you have made the right decision for you and your daughter.  Talk with your husband as little as possible about your impending move to NJ.  Please keep in mind, once an abuser realizes he has lost control that is by far the most dangerous time for a victim.  When you walk out the door to head for NJ, do not leave anything that you would like to keep.  Once in NJ, please contact your local domestic violence shelter.  Even if you are not staying in the shelter, you will be able to get counseling from someone who knows what you are going through and will be able to advise you in many different venues.  The links provided regarding BPD (fancy name for an abuser) offer some great advice but please view the information as "in the best case scenario

Quote from: Faithlynn on Mon Oct 06, 2008 - 19:57:01
I believe you have made the right decision for you and your daughter.  Talk with your husband as little as possible about your impending move to NJ.  Please keep in mind, once an abuser realizes he has lost control that is by far the most dangerous time for a victim.  When you walk out the door to head for NJ, do not leave anything that you would like to keep.  Once in NJ, please contact your local domestic violence shelter.  Even if you are not staying in the shelter, you will be able to get counseling from someone who knows what you are going through and will be able to advise you in many different venues.  The links provided regarding BPD (fancy name for an abuser) offer some great advice but please view the information as "in the best case scenario

Hi Kim
There will be many of us with you in the days ahead, even if it is in spirit only.  Hold onto the thought that you ARE making the right decision.  Staying in your present situation and hoping things will get better only ensures nothing will change.  If his behavior is working (and if you are still there, he assumes it is), what incentive does he have to change.  Even with separating, there is only a remote chance that your marriage will work sometime in the future (most victims hope they are the one couple that makes it – rather than the majority that don't).  You and your husband would both need intensive counseling and it is a long process with little chance of success. 
 
No one wants a marriage to end but for an abuse victim, ending a marriage is even more life altering.  An abuser not only takes away your self confidence but also your ability to make decisions.  When thinking of leaving, you are like an infant trying to get the courage to take that first step – afraid to attempt it because you might fall but believe that like a child – if/when you fall, you will get back up, dust yourself off, and not only learn to walk but also run.  The links provided to you state that a person with BPD fears being alone but I don't agree.  First, I have to say I have a difficult time giving an abuser a fancy name – Borderline Personality Disorder - as if he has a legitimate disorder which results in his inability to control himself.  Abusers are individuals who do whatever they can to control another person.  I know there are reasons for their being the way they are but you cannot change them no matter how much you want to.  They have overly charming personalities when called for – and an extremely cruel side when they choose to use it - the name of their game is control.  If they just feared being alone, quite honestly they could easily find someone else to spend time with.  Finding someone they can control is more difficult.  O.J. was a typical example of this.  I also don't agree with their scenario about leaving when things get stressed - which gets your partner used to your leaving.  To begin with, even an attempt to walk away and leave the room during a confrontation is usually not successful.  I have seen many women who left their homes but then return because they thought things would be better; however, the husband became even more controlling after the initial honeymoon period.  The more times they left, the more dangerous the situation became during future confrontations.  This is called conditioning but in reality it is not a game you want to play with an abuser.   

As for the Christmas holidays, let me give you one scenario.  You feel guilty (either self induced or as a result of pressure from your husband) about your husband being away from his daughter at Christmas so you go to FL for the holiday.  You arrive at his home or somewhere you have set up a meeting.  Half way through the festivities, there is a knock at the door and someone is asking for Kim.  You or your husband indicates that you are Kim and you are handed a paper.  You have now been served divorce papers and your husband is requesting sole custody.  The law prohibits someone from leaving the state once a custody case has ensued so now you will be unable to return to NJ.  You are in FL with no job and no place to stay – of course your husband can explain to you that you left him no choice because he can't live without you and Cristal.  All you have to do is give him a chance to make it up to you.  You are right back where you started before you left – actually worse because your husband now knows you have it in you to leave.  In addition, authorities, friends, and family may view any future allegations you make with less validity.  Of course, the above would not be possible if you file for divorce and custody as soon as you get to NJ but states generally have residency laws stating how long you have to be a resident before filing, which is why I suggested contacting an attorney before making your holiday plans.  Victims find out what their rights are as they go along - what they can do legally - but abusers also learn what tricks they can use that are legal.  I've seen two victims arrested because the spouses called the police first to report abuse (one in IL and one in FL).  Once abuse is alleged by one party, the other party cannot report the actual abuse - all they can do is defend themselves in court.  In the FL case, the abuser had learned from a previous incident where he had been charged so he turned the tables the next time around.  I was on the phone with the victim when it transpired so I knew what had happened.         

I was instant messaging Kelly as I wrote this and I briefly explained what you had written.  I copied her comments.  This is coming from someone who is 3 months ahead of you and while I have been there – she is there now:
Kelly says:
-   she should just go and not tell anyone where she is going, but her parents
-   she should tell her friends either because in good intentions it might slip
Kelly says:
I meant she shouldn't tell friends and yes he sounds like Ricky.

The first thing Kelly said was not to tell your husband but I told her it was too late because you already had.  She made a valid point – even though friends mean well, things do slip out.  All abusers share a charming, sincere side and can fool someone for a time.  Ricky showed up at Kelly's sister's house last weekend and no one can figure out how he got the address.  The night and day personality is classic abuser behavior.  This was the MO for Ricky also.  It is the same as "good cop/bad cop

Thank you again Faithlynn,
so much to think about that I don't know what to write back!  I am just trying to stay focused for the last two days here on keeping safe and watching out for anything my husband may (although I pray not) do until then.  I have and do pray for the protection of God for Cristal and I both these days left here and on our journey and I know He will give to us because He is my (our) beautiful loving Father!  I picked up my verification paper for being at the shelter today (they said I could use it in NJ as proof even though we were there only one night).  Christmas is such a crazy issue for me especially right now in the midst of the move out, I do not trust him and I hear what you and your daughter have said (it has added more worry to me about this), he has commented that he will seek legal action if I do not come back for that week- this just after saying he would never seek to take custody from me about 5 days or so before, so I don't know what processes are going on in his mind.

Anyway, like you said I just need to concentrate on the move right now- too much else will drive me mad.  I was going to stay until early Sunday morning because the movers aren't coming until Saturday afternoon but I felt inside that this was a bad idea so I will leave after everything is packed up on Saturday (haven't told husband this)- my mom offered to help me pay for the hotel that night because she is worried about me staying even that long.

Thank you again for your care and concern, for not leaving me alone out here-  much love and thanks to your daughters and blessings as well to all of you!

Kim

Hi Kim

I'm sorry for hitting you with so much information at one time.  If I were your counselor and could speak with you in person I would have provided info on an as needed basis but as I don't know when we will be able to communication again, I felt I should provide as much info as I could now.  File everything I said in the back of your mind.  Pull up only what you need at the moment you are confronted with a situation.  The shelter in NJ can guide you through the steps so please check in with them as soon as you get to NJ.  I think leaving Sat evening is a very good idea.     

Hi everyone,
I don't know when I will get to post again next so I wanted to leave this messagage today.  The movers are scheduled to come today and I plan to leave after they finish loading- I just pray that everything goes according to plan with no trouble or problems from anywhere.  I plan to stay overnight a short distance from here and begin the long drive tommorrow morning, taking my time to be safe I plan to arrive in NJ sometime on Tuesday afternoon!

I love and thank you all for every bit of love and support and encouragement you have given and I hope to be back on here very soon!

Kim

Kim

I wish you well and will be praying daily for you.  Try to make it out of the state of Florida  (even just across the state line) before you stop for the evening.  You may not have any problems but you definitely won't if you can get out of your residential state.  Let us know whenever you can how you are doing because I know you have many praying for you.

.

Quote from: Faithlynn on Sat Oct 11, 2008 - 09:15:09
Kim

I wish you well and will be praying daily for you.  Try to make it out of the state of Florida  (even just across the state line) before you stop for the evening.  You may not have any problems but you definitely won't if you can get out of your residential state.  Let us know whenever you can how you are doing because I know you have many praying for you.

Quote from: Hehealedme

Thank you!
I am here in NJ safe and sound- posted an update in a new thread!  Just settling in and trying to figure out what my next steps should concerning my daughter/marriage with custody, Christmas etc.. and also with life for the future

Love,
Kim

Hi Kim

I knew you would make it - God was your pilot.  Focus on your priorities - finding a church is important so that you have a local support system.  I hope you have contacted the local shelter - if not, please do.  Locate a preschool for Cristal for when you need it and then begin looking for a job.  Once you are settled in, then you can think about the other aspects of your life. As you take back control of your life, you will find yourself looking at things differently.  Take care and thanks for letting us know you made it.  I will continue to remember you in my prayers.   

I'm a little late on this thread. I was kinda holding my breathe through it all. I am so glad that you got away from that lunatic. I think that maybe you should consider moving a little bit away from where he'd be expecting you. The last thing you want is for him to pop up in the neighborhood. Praying for you and child..

Quote from: Dignity777 on Fri Oct 31, 2008 - 00:49:32
I'm a little late on this thread. I was kinda holding my breathe through it all. I am so glad that you got away from that lunatic. I think that maybe you should consider moving a little bit away from where he'd be expecting you. The last thing you want is for him to pop up in the neighborhood. Praying for you and child..

Thank you Dignity I am looking into whether I would qualify for transitional housing somewhere, don't know that he would just show up but you never know anything for sure.  Thanks for the prayers, I have gone to the womens center once so far and made some calls etc but there is so much to do and accomplish, it can be overwhelming.  I have read a bit of your situation on your thread and although I don't feel I am in a position to give advice to anyone at this time I will pray for you as well!