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If I stay, then he will see that as a green light to go ahead and do it again.   If I leave, my decision will affect not only me, but the kids.

I'm really sorry for your pain.  It stinks... that is for sure.  You know, if you stay or leave it will affect you and the kids.  Not just if you go. Even staying will.  Now is when you need to go to your pastor and tell him you know and you need help and guidance.  Ask him to refer you to one of the women in the Church he trusts to be your prayer friend and to talk to.  He will know who will do this without judgment and gossip. To just be there for you.  You are going to need a close friend in the LORD. 

Does your husband profess to being a Christian?  If so, Then take him before the pastor.  He needs to be held accountable for the sin whether you stay or not, his soul is on the line.  I could distance myself from my husband for cheating, but I could not stop being concerned or accountable for his salvation as a Christian. Pray for your husband.  Yes, even when you are mad and hurt. Pray for him.  When you are angry... tell him so.  If you say something out of line, apologize... but be honest as you go through this... don't push down your pain, you don't want to have to come back around and start over later.... when you find you didn't deal with it.  You may as well say what is on your mind. 

Start keeping a journal... write words of comfort in there for yourself.  Write prayers and even write that you are confused if you are.  Based on the ages of your kids, think about what you will tell them. If they understand salvation, tell them to pray for their dad.  Ask them to pray for you too.  My kids pray openly and plainly for me concerning any matter I ask them to.  It's a blessing, and a source of strength for me when my husband is gone. (Navy).  We always pray out loud in our home, one for another. 

But... above all, stay face to face with God. Worship Him daily, praise Him, in your home, and in your car.  When you get up, and when you lay down. He is your source, and He cares for you.  Read the word.  And remember.... Your healing is just a prayer away, on any given day! God is good... all the time. Keep the faith.

Oh that's hard.  I have only been married 6 1/2 years but we have been through infidelity--his and not mine.  It took a whole lot of soul searching for me to stay.  This happened three years ago and only in the past month have I quit looking at his cell phone records, emails, etc.  He still claims it wasn't physical and while there is a chance it wasn't--I'm about 95% sure it was.  Wives know. 

In my case my husband intimidated me enough to keep me from talking with my pastor about it.  Big mistake.  That hindered the healing process.  You need to find someone to talk with and see if it is worth working out.  We did have a family friend who is a minister come by one time.  He said "what I see here is a case of dirt and diamonds."  We were like HUNH??

He said that we had been looking so hard at each other's dirt that we didn't see the diamonds and it was true.  Oh my ex tried to blame the whole thing on me.  His mom even said "well what did you do to make him cheat?"  Oh I said a prayer in my head at that moment because it was awfully hard to turn the other cheek but I did.  Ultimately he took a part of the responsibility as did I and we are working on it but we have a lot of work to go.

I agree that he likely laughed because of being in a tight spot.  You caught him off guard.  Hold on tight to your faith and prayer.  God will lead you the right way to go!

Yeah...  I heard a woman say to another when she was in pain and told her about her husband cheating on her... "Well, were you there for him in EVERY way in the marriage"...

I want to slap her so bad.  But... thank you LORD.  I didn't.  That is why I tell women now, ALWAYS ask the Pastor to recommend someone who is of good report in the church to be your friend, to help you, and mentor you...  someone not lent to gossip but who prays.  we can pick some pretty ignorant confidants if we aren't careful. 

Quote from: kensington on Wed Oct 15, 2008 - 15:53:45
Yeah...  I heard a woman say to another when she was in pain and told her about her husband cheating on her... "Well, were you there for him in EVERY way in the marriage"...

I want to slap her so bad.  But... thank you LORD.  I didn't.  That is why I tell women now, ALWAYS ask the Pastor to recommend someone who is of good report in the church to be your friend, to help you, and mentor you...  someone not lent to gossip but who prays.  we can pick some pretty ignorant confidants if we aren't careful. 

Dang kensington...What is so wrong about asking that question? You may not believe this, but some woman (my ex-wife was one) treat the physical part of their marriage as trivial..I am not trying to condone an affair, but just saying that sometimes woman (and men) do not want intimacy..For what ever reason...I lived in in a marriage where my ex-wife would go 3 months or so before SHE would need a, umm, "release". I got so tired of being turned down, that I quit asking...

If she was indeed looking for help, maybe the lady was wanting to help her by pointing out an obvious...I have no idea...I would presume from your " gossip" comment that you felt like what she (the lady asking the question) did was gossip? If so, why? For the most part, the reason people cheat is because they are not getting what they need at home...I know that is not always the case...But it IS the case in a lot of the marriages today...That is why the bible says that we should not "deny" our spouses..It is an important area in a marriage...I agree with your advice to seek a Godly, good standing member of your church for help...But those types of questions are unavoidable if you truly want to help someone...

It's not gossip... it's my sister.  And it was an arrogant remark to make to someone who's heart was broken laying in the floor by the man she thought she could trust always.

But, Yep... I wanted to slap her, and by the look on my other sisters face I knew that I wanted to just hold her.  It was a cruel thing to imply. That her husband of 15 years cheated because she didn't "Do it all".....  give me a break.

Quote from: kensington on Thu Oct 16, 2008 - 18:56:51
It's not gossip... it's my sister.  And it was an arrogant remark to make to someone who's heart was broken laying in the floor by the man she thought she could trust always.

But, Yep... I wanted to slap her, and by the look on my other sisters face I knew that I wanted to just hold her.  It was a cruel thing to imply. That her husband of 15 years cheated because she didn't "Do it all".....  give me a break.

Well kensington, one thing is for sure...Evidently your sister thought enough about this woman to approach her and share her situation with her...It speaks even loader that she did this with her sisters there...Maybe the woman knows something or has heard something you do not know...

I certainly understand your issue here...But, you are personally involved..You have a "dog in this hunt". You have a biased opinion..And you rightly should..She is your sister..

I will say this, if the woman just said, "Well, if you were doing XYZ at home , maybe he wouldn't have done it." That is wrong..Very uncaring...But if she asked as a concerned friend, and was simply trying to answer a question posed by your sister, I see why she would ask..

I too, am glad you didn't slap her...I hope your sister has been able to overcome this burden.With the Lords help, she will...

I think you missed TWO fine points Mac... no problem...  I am sure that I know what the intent of the question was... because when I saw the look on my other sisters face, I wanted to slap her for saying it.  That is because they were BOTH my sisters... the one who said it, and the one who is was said to.  I knew exactly how she meant it, and I probably should have slapped her.  ONE thing you do not even think to imply to someone who has been cheated on, is that they are to blame.  Give me a break!

Quote from: kensington on Sat Oct 18, 2008 - 00:45:34
I think you missed TWO fine points Mac... no problem...  I am sure that I know what the intent of the question was... because when I saw the look on my other sisters face, I wanted to slap her for saying it.  That is because they were BOTH my sisters... the one who said it, and the one who is was said to.  I knew exactly how she meant it, and I probably should have slapped her.  ONE thing you do not even think to imply to someone who has been cheated on, is that they are to blame.  Give me a break!

I see...So it was one sister that said that to another sister..Wow..That is kind of rude..I can see where that would be a little inflammatory...

One thing that is 100% fact in your post...No matter how bad it is at home, it is the responsibility of the spouse to say NO!!!No matter what happened between your sister and her husband, he CHOSE to cheat...She did not make him do it...