Christian Forums

Hi, I'm new here and I have a few questions plus some advice on what to do in my situation.

First off, my husband and I have been married for about 2 years now, but we have been together for 4 years. So we have about 6 years together. We have three kids together; 4 yrs old, 2 yrs old, and a 2 month old. My husband has an 8 yr old son who lives out of state.

My husband has changed alot over the years, but he has some ways that are confusing to me. I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me. The problem is that I don't think that it's fair how he treats me as a wife. He has a bank account that I have no access to. We argue over this from time to time, only for him to grab a beer and leave the house. He gives me $60.00 a week and I am barely getting by with that because I need to put gas in my car and feed 3 hungry kids. He says that he cannot give me access to that bank account because that is the only way that he feels secure. Then he buys himself a cell phone that he leaves with me during the day just in case of emergencies, but he won't give me the password to his voicemail. I don't understand why he has to be so secretive with me.

Then there is a problem with our living conditions. It's been almost a year since our water pump has broken (because we use well water where we live) and my husband keeps putting off fixing it. He says that we don't have the money to fix it, but he just borrowed money from his mom...AND BOUGHT A PROJECT CAR WITH IT! He rigged the pump with a water hose and it is almost impossible trying to shower myself and my kids with it  I am so tired of putting up with this that I don't know what to do. I don't work, I stay home with our kids and he treats me like a kid that he has to take care of. I am getting so fed up with this. Sometimes I just want to pack up my things and leave. What I told you is not even half of the things that I put up with. I am doing my best to honor our marriage, but I feel like I am the only one trying. He won't even watch the kids while I go to the store or go ANYWHERE. I have to take them all with me or he gets angry. Having any me time is impossible. Now he expects me to take care of his son when he comes on holidays or for the summer. I don't know how much more I can take.

Any advice ...?

  Wow, I feel for you!
  You have several issues....your DH definitely needs to change his entire approach because he is being controlling and secretive.
  Having a bank account that you don't have access to, is unacceptable.
  And $60.00/week for gas and groceries, with 3 kids to feed???  Is he serious? 
  You need to be a team, you need to be partners. 
  And he needs to find another way of "feeling secure," other than what he's doing.
  Also, why is he borrowing money from his mother?  He's not a teenage boy anymore.
  He sounds a little immature but you need to find a way to make him understand that his behavior isn't acceptable.
I would simply tell him that you need to have access, and you need more money to feed the kids.
  I would not argue with him, there's no point.
  But I would make him understand, that this is serious and it's unacceptable. 
  There are other, worthwhile ways for him to be "the man of the house," than this!
  Tell him,
  "Honey, I appreciate that you're trying to be the man of the house.  But there are better ways of doing it, can we talk about them?"
  God bless you, I feel for you, but please do what's best for those precious children. 

Thanks for your reply Jasmine 

I agree with you. I try to have nice unargumental conversations about this, but he won't budge. I think that he has issues with women. What I mean by that is that he feels like women should not have a say so in anything. I think he has it confused about the role that a WIFE plays in a marriage. He usually goes to the bible and points out all of the scriptures pertaining to a woman being submissive to a man. He also makes fun of his brother because everytime that he comes over to our house, he brings his two kids with him. He takes them everywhere he goes. I sometimes hear my husband tell his brother that he is weak and that he is giving his wife too much control.

Sometimes I feel sorry for my husband because I see that he does struggle alot when trying to keep up with the house payments and other bills. I've asked him over and over again to give me access so that I can help him to manage things since I'm home all day long. There is nothing I can do because he won't let me. I've been looking for a job so that I can help him, but he doesn't want to take care of the kids while I work (he works first shift). I just pray to God that He will allow my husband to see the hurt that he is causing his family.

  Hmmm...I was afraid you were going to say you'd already tried discussing it with him, and was unsuccessful.
  Do you have a church pastor, or anyone you could draw upon, to assist - perhaps someone your husband would listen to?
  Is any of this coming from his mother?  It sounds like he is close to her.  Sometimes, when a mother cannot let go of an adult son, they work against their DIL.
  Is this going on?
  If not, could you ask your MIL to help get him to listen to reason?
  Ordinarily, I think others should stay out of a couple's business, but you say you have already talked to him.
So if he won't listen to you, I think it would be okay to try to find someone he will listen to.
  But something needs to be done, sixty bucks a week is absurd for you and 3 kids.

Well, I don't have a home church. My husband and I use to attend church every Sunday with the kids. I try to go sometimes, but my husband won't watch the kids and my kids won't stay in the nursery, so they end up calling me down to get them. Also, my husband is hispanic and his parents don't speak english. His mom is the nicest person you'd ever want to meet. His dad....not so. My husband would tell me stories of how his dad used to go out for days at a time drinking and cheating on his mom. I see the way his father is with their mother and it almost sickens me.

My sister in law says that she needs to have a talk with him. He is kinda like a stubborn mule. He listens but usually ends up doing what he wants anyways. There was a pastor that he used to talk to at work, but my husband mocks and ridicules him so they don't talk as much. My husband DOES NOT like my family so he won't listen to them. I don't know how to make him understand that this behavior is not right. My sister in law told me that maybe I should go and stay at my moms for a while just so that he could realize how serious I am about this. I'm not sure though.