Basketcase

[Amelia777]

Has anyone here dealt with healing from a husband's pornography use? 2 yrs ago my husband revealed that he struggles with it. I had no idea. He only told me because I tearfully confessed something to him that The Holy Spirit insisted I confess. I did not cheat or look at pornography. I allowed a man to talk very inappropriately w/me because he was helping me find my bio father. I allowed it for a few days and blocked him. I did not reciprocate, but the whole thing made me feel dirty and I kept it a secret for about a month until God insisted I confess. My husband said it was ok, he forgave me, and he had been "looking at porn a lot and lusting after every female he saw." This shocked me to my core. I was quiet about it at first, as I had my own guilt hovering over me. But it pulled the rug right out from under me. Complete shock. As time went by, it destroyed me. I realized, though I have no idea why I didn't before then, that he had struggled with it off and on through our then 16 yr marriage. He agreed this was true. He told me that when he is close to God, he does not struggle. So he went back to reading his Bible and praying every day. This made me feel like it was going away. But he didn't stay that way long. And when I reminded him of what he had said, and that I worry a lot, he said he, "Shouldn't have said it that way, it isn't really like that." It's been 2 yrs. I am a complete wreck. He says he doesn't have any desire to look.He isn't close to God. He uses 5 times more data when I'm at work or asleep than when I'm around. He stays up til 4 a.m. a lot. When he stopped viewing, his drive went down. It's definitely back. I question and analyze every detail in our lives. Every time he takes the phone in the bathroom I am filled with fear. I've asked him to deal with his phone addiction,(he truly has one. Admits it. Can't not have it in his hands ever. It's his God.) I've told him it would help me if he would not take it in the bathroom. He still does. When he would do it, he used incognito. It is undetectable. Completely undetectable. He says I can look at his phone when I want. Of course, I couldn't find anything, anyway, but I have tried. Part of me does not think he is doing it anymore. The other part thinks he could not go from being totally lustful all the time, to being cured without God. His own words, anyway! I am a mess. My nerves stay shot. When I think he's doing it, I shake, sweat, have heart palpitations and heart racing, my stomach is upset, I am a basketcase. My health is affected. I pray and ask God to remove this from me. Perhaps he is preparing me to help someone later. But I can't go on this way. I am considering a spy app.I won't believe him any other way, as he was so good at hiding and only confessed cuz I had something to confess. Opinions?