Married Adult Children - How much is too much?

[Petals]

For those of you who have married children that are out on their own, how do you know if you're being too intrusive into their lives?  How much is too much time with them and the grandchildren?  Some people seem to be constantly in their children's faces, yet it seems to work and the relationships are strong.   

Today, most adult children are so busy they have little time for parents and grandparents.  How can you strike a healthy balance, be a part of your grandchildren's lives, and not be considered a pain-in-the-neck?   

[janine]

It's a feel-your-way as-you-go-along thing, love.  There's no certain rule.

For so many hundreds and hundreds of years -- in both the West and the East -- families did not move far from each other, and often they were even in the same house as a matter of routine, three and four generations all together.  There was a time when the patriarch and matriarch of the family remained the heads of the household even though the kids and grandkids were married and starting their own families.

And then, we have what some here in the U.S., and in the West in general, seem to think is perfectly normal today -- the individual family of Mom, Dad and kids breaks off and moves far away because of work opportunities.  When you see that happening in a place that has been traditionally all about family, and village, and tribe -- like China and many places in Africa -- when you see it happening to large numbers of modern-day people in those places, it's either because they too have been "infected" with our Western family splintering, or else they're hit by a disaster of some kind, war or drought maybe.

There were fewer divorces years ago for a lot of reasons -- one of the important reasons, IMO, was the gathering-round supportiveness, the "clan" or "tribe" feeling, of the extended fam ily being all under one roof, or at least easily reached in the same community.

My middle child, the young husband and father -- his household is very near, yet with work schedules (his and mine) getting in the way, I do not see him often -- and if I don't make a big effort, I don't even see his wife and the grandkids often.

This is something always in the back of my mind, to foster more time together with the grandkids.

I have no idea how to balance this stuff neatly and easily.  I guess you just need to roll along and trust that the kids and grandkids will cry "foul!" when you are poking your nose in too much.

[Petals]

Janine, thanks for your reply.  The question was raised just for the purpose of discussion.  My daughter and I had talked about it a time or two, and she said that at times it was like I almost went in the opposite direction, trying to not be too intrusive into their lives.  She said she knows it'll be hard when her children are grown to know how to keep her distance or whether to make a point to spend more time with them.  You're right about it being a balancing act. 

My two children live in other states, so I don't see them much at all unfortunately.  My daughter married someone she met in college, and my son and his wife live closer to his wife's family.  They're always welcome into our home, but I never pressured them to spend holidays with me, because I knew their spouse's families expected them to be at their homes.  Since they lived closer, it make more sense anyway.  We keep in touch mainly through e-mail or the phone.

[seekr]

i have the opposite problem...maybe "problem" shouldn't be the word. They won't leave me alone. i have 6 adult children and most of them live close by. They are starting to get a little further but i want to move away to get some peace. They call me all the time and drop in a few times a day sometimes. I think it's nice that they like me so much but it gets to me a little bit. Of course then i complain if one day they don't call because I worry since it is more the norm to bug me all the time. Oy! I have had to put my foot down sometimes over me babysitting too much but then I miss the grandkids if they aren't around enough. I am a mess.

My daughters borrow my jewelry and clothes and shoes and etc... I am always having to retrieve my things. I am a jewelery addict. I have a jewelry armoire full of chokers and rings and tons of earrings and over 30 watches and they love to go through it all. I guess we are still playing dress up. We get along great and sometimes I put my foot down but I am very giving. My husband says he is bad cop to my good cop. When he worked out of state it got really crazy and he ran them all off for awhile but there are specific rules now but of course it still doesn't always go the way we want. My middle daughter is pregnant with her 3rd and so she comes over to see what we're cooking, even though she has a 4 bedroom townhouse, just around the corner and plenty of food there. She does bring Taco Bell or pizza sometimes and she shares her stuff too. BUT i still would like a little less visiting. I do intrude into their lives with advice but they intrude more into mine. What's a mother to do?

[janine]

Hold specific visiting hours?

[seekr]

Actually we've done that sort of, now. No more coming over before noon and no coming to our house past 8 at night. some of my kids would show up in the middle of the night and I would find them sleeping on the couch.  it still seems like they always have an emergency and so they deem it so important that they know our rules won't matter. They just have to use our computer or they have to have something done...aaahhh! My husband is tough and they do have some fear. I am the push over although out of self preservation I have had to get tough. I find that they still love us when we get mean, but they like to push a little too hard sometimes. I am mainly talking about my 2 youngest girls, 18 and the other one is almost 21. Her husband is only 22. The 21 year old is very bright and very sarcastic so she uses humor to bully past the rules at times. It doesn't always work for her though. I hate to feel like I want to run away from home but it was that bad last year when my husband was gone. I am glad his job didn't last too long. See, I also deal with my husband's pain from his car wreck which broke his neck.His neck is fused and he can still work some but he has bad days. And for a couple years it was very hard. But little by little we are figuring this stuff out. I mean we do like some of our kids. LOL.

[Petals]

Seekr, there are a lot of people who wish they had your problem, though I know it can be difficult.  Setting ground rules and sticking to them does seem to be the best way to help you maintain your sanity. 

It's a beautiful thing that you have made your home a warm haven where everyone loves to gather.  I'd always hoped my home would be that way, but it isn't.  My house is so very quiet that if it wasn't for my pets, I'd go a little nutsy.  With my children being so far away, I rarely get to see them.  The last time we we all were together at the same time was when my mother passed away several years ago.  Our house was full, but I loved it!  In spite of the work, it was nice to have my family around me as I knew it would be a long time before it'd happen again. 

May God bless you and your family with many more happy times interspersed with times of R&R for you and your husband.
trueblue

[Jon-Marc]

I found out the hard way that I was interfering too much while just trying to be a dad. Of course, the sorry-excuse-for-a-dad I had to learn from didn't help. My older daughter (aged 37) wants nothing more to do with me.

[Petals]

Jon-Marc, do you have 2 children?  Is your other child close to your daughter?  Do you see him/her often?

Hopefully, your daughter will come around before it's too late.   Kids (even older ones) seem to think they've got all the time in the world with their parents, but it isn't necessarily so as we've learned through our life experiences and losses.   Life is very short and no one is guaranteed another day.  There's an old saying, "Too soon old, Too late smart."  Your daughter may come to regret her bitterness towards you.  Does she have children?  It'd be an even worse tragedy to have them not know their grandpa. 

[Dooright]

For those of you who have married children that are out on their own, how do you know if you're being too intrusive into their lives?  How much is too much time with them and the grandchildren?  Some people seem to be constantly in their children's faces, yet it seems to work and the relationships are strong.   

Today, most adult children are so busy they have little time for parents and grandparents.  How can you strike a healthy balance, be a part of your grandchildren's lives, and not be considered a pain-in-the-neck?   

For me being the married child,  my parents are very respectful to my husband and I.  My in-laws, on the other hand, are a different story.  We ask for help and they try and take over, more-so from my mother-in-law.  They always want to know about EVERYTHING.  And I never do anything right in her eyes.  The last time she was here, I didn't know how to load my dishwasher or wash my clothes correctly.  She doesn't seem to understand that she is pushing us away and one day we will have to tell them to just stay away.  My point is that we may still be your babies, but, we are grown, consenting, and capable adults. 

[janine]

And even if you're not especially smoothly capable -- you're still adults and ought to get enough respect from your elders that they allow you to have the same chance as everyone else to fall on your bee-hind.

[Dooright]

And even if you're not especially smoothly capable -- you're still adults and ought to get enough respect from your elders that they allow you to have the same chance as everyone else to fall on your bee-hind.

Yes, I believe in living and learning.  My mother-in-law laughs at that and thinks she needs to teach us everything she knows and do it all her way.  That is not what I am about and she just doesn't want to admit that we can and will do it without her... if that's what it comes down to.  That is sad to say, but after 13 years forgiving and forgetting isn't working.

[Petals]

Dooright, could it be your in-laws want to know about EVERYTHING because they care about your family?  Try to see it from their side of the fence.  I seriously doubt that in-laws set out to make their childrens' lives miserable and are doing it because they're just nosey.  Most have a sincere desire to help their children, wanting to share with them what they've learned through their years of hard knocks.  (I know there are exceptions.)   

It could be that your MIL is having a hard time balancing her role in your life.  MILs are not given a manual on how to give up the child they raised for so many years, and it's hard for them to let go.  Do you think it'd be easy for you to hold back once your children are older?  My daughter told me she knows she's going to have a hard time with it, even though that is many years down the road for her since she wants what's best for her children and wants to continue to remain close to them.   I know at times everyone will butt heads, but it's the love that keeps families together in spite of their warts.   

What do you feel the ideal MIL and FIL should be like? 

[Dooright]

Dooright, could it be your in-laws want to know about EVERYTHING because they care about your family?  Try to see it from their side of the fence.  I seriously doubt that in-laws set out to make their childrens' lives miserable and are doing it because they're just nosey.  Most have a sincere desire to help their children, wanting to share with them what they've learned through their years of hard knocks.  (I know there are exceptions.)   

It could be that your MIL is having a hard time balancing her role in your life.  MILs are not given a manual on how to give up the child they raised for so many years, and it's hard for them to let go.  Do you think it'd be easy for you to hold back once your children are older?  My daughter told me she knows she's going to have a hard time with it, even though that is many years down the road for her since she wants what's best for her children and wants to continue to remain close to them.   I know at times everyone will butt heads, but it's the love that keeps families together in spite of their warts.   

What do you feel the ideal MIL and FIL should be like? 

My MIL had a very bad childhood.  After marrying my FIL, his family hated her because she already had two children and thought of her as a harlet.  I understand she wants what is best for her children and it is so hard to explain what she is like.  She is agnostic.

First of all, she doesn't like women in general.  She has said too many times that she is the only one to do things the "right way".  She has never really accepted me for who I am.  I do not have a college education so therefore I am not good enough and smart enough for her son who is now working on his college education at the age of 36.

When something doesn't go her way she yells and screams at everyone and throws things around.  After my FIL calls her a stupid little baby, in front of us and her grandchildren, which is rather sad and embarrassing, she gets up to apologize to each one of us. 

I'll never know who actually did this, but last summer at the in-laws, two pair of my shorts were cut up.  My MIL suggested that my 10 year old daughter did it "because girls are cruel that way and your daughter is no exception".  At the time my pants were cut up she was mad at me for a reason I will never know and she hadn't talked to me for two days.

My husband Left for Bahrain in mid December and she was expecting to come here to stay for six months with us even after I said many, many times that it wasn't necessary and finally had to put my foot down with her, she suggested to my husband that he get my medical records and either get me psychiatric help or have me committed.  And then suggested to cut his losses with me.

I have tried for 13 years to get along and nothing I do is right.  And, if it is, it won't be right the next time I do it.  She has a major in psychology and science and noone is right, but her.  Whatever rules or standards we set for our children both MIL and FIL contradict them and in front of the children, no less.

Maybe I should have just started a new topic on this one.  If you want to know more you can always  PM me.  I am ALWAYS ready and waiting for good advice when it comes to getting along.  See, I am the one to keep the peace and now that I did put my foot down, I don't belong in the family.

As for them wanting to know EVERYTHING, it's exactly that.  Imagine the questions they ask us. 

Dooright   

[Bon Voyage]

I would probably tell her to shut up.  I feel for you Dooright.  Maybe you need to buy her the movie "Monster-in-Law" or send her a few clips from the end.

[janine]

It's time to cut your losses with HER.

No, I don't mean to divorce your husband or anything drastic like that.  Just have as little as possible to do with her.  If your husband will not support you in dealing with her (when he is around to do so), then he is not carrying the burdens of being a husband very well.

Her opinions do not matter and carry no weight.  You need to get to a point in life where you are not obligated to her in any way, so that you can make it true -- her opinions mean nothing, and you are merely cordial to her.

It will take a lot of work to change things -- are you up for it?

[Dooright]

It's time to cut your losses with HER.

No, I don't mean to divorce your husband or anything drastic like that.  Just have as little as possible to do with her.  If your husband will not support you in dealing with her (when he is around to do so), then he is not carrying the burdens of being a husband very well.

Her opinions do not matter and carry no weight.  You need to get to a point in life where you are not obligated to her in any way, so that you can make it true -- her opinions mean nothing, and you are merely cordial to her.

It will take a lot of work to change things -- are you up for it?

I am up for it.  I am scared, angry, sad, etc.  But, these last 3 months I have accomplished so much with my kiddies I'm afraid that when she does come to visit it will all get flushed... again.

My husband does support  me, but to be raised in manipulation (which is a form of witchcraft), no trust, hate, and negativity, it's tough.

[Dooright]

I would probably tell her to shut up.  I feel for you Dooright.  Maybe you need to buy her the movie "Monster-in-Law" or send her a few clips from the end.

Thank you for that.     If only it were that simple.

[Petals]

Wow, Dooright, I guess your MIL is the exception.  Sorry.      It does sound like you have gone the extra mile in trying to keep the peace.

The only advice I'd give is to stand firm and hold your ground when she begins to treat you rudely.  Just tell her calmly and firmly that you are not going to put up with it and if she continues to act that way she is not welcome in your home.   Hopefully, your husband will back you up.  If he doesn't, then it won't do much good.

[Dooright]

Wow, Dooright, I guess your MIL is the exception.  Sorry.      It does sound like you have gone the extra mile in trying to keep the peace.

The only advice I'd give is to stand firm and hold your ground when she begins to treat you rudely.  Just tell her calmly and firmly that you are not going to put up with it and if she continues to act that way she is not welcome in your home.   Hopefully, your husband will back you up.  If he doesn't, then it won't do much good.

Thank you.  Sadly, I am the exception.  For 13 years all I ever wanted was acceptance and understanding.  No matter what comes out of my mouth, the majority of the time, I'm contradicted or criticized. 

My husband is proud that I put my foot down and am finally taking a stand because they won't even listen to him.  It's sad that they raised their boys that way.  But, I'm the one making him stronger in this situation.  He is a very strong minded and stubborn person, but not when it comes to his parents.

They thrive on making others feel guilty so they get what they want.  Another form of manipulation.

Dooright

Keep praying.  This is just the beginning of what I am accomplishing in MY home.   

[janine]

God bless you and yours, sweetie.  With some folks, you would not want their acceptance.  Mostly because it seems they value all the wrong things, so if they like you, what bad stuff does it say about you?

[Dooright]

God bless you and yours, sweetie.  With some folks, you would not want their acceptance.  Mostly because it seems they value all the wrong things, so if they like you, what bad stuff does it say about you?

That is a really great way to put it... thanks.  Besides, contrary to popular belief, I really do like ME.

Praise God.   

[Sherman Nobles]

Dooright,

If you haven't read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, I highly recommend it.  Drawing healthy boundaries is essential for relationships.  "There is a Peace, that often only comes after War!" 

[Dooright]

Dooright,

If you haven't read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, I highly recommend it.  Drawing healthy boundaries is essential for relationships.  "There is a Peace, that often only comes after War!" 

Are you sure about the peace part?      
Will there also be a sense of peace for the MIL or just me?  But, thank you, I will definitely look for it.

Dooright