Pre-teen attitudes

[Dooright]

My son will be 13 in May and you can certainly tell.   

Last night, his attitude  was so bad that even letting him know where his place was, he just sluffed me off and rolled his eyes.  This is while I was driving and my arm flew across his chest, grabbed his shirt and let him know a different way wear he belonged.

Then, he proceded to cry and scream asking why he couldn't hit me.  "Because" is not a good enough answer, so I am seeking advice as to what I would love to tell my very hormonal, Prepubescent, pre-teen.   

ANYONE!?  ANYONE!?

Dooright

[Charles Sloan]

I would love to help, but my only son is five.

[kensington]

Is he a believer? Does he have friends who attend church and youth group? 

In our home, certain types of disobedience will get you discipline.  Deliberate disobedience will get you spanked. Even at 13. At 17 my husband gave swats to our son who was getting out of line in some areas that are serious.  I don't, as the mom, swatting full grown boys is not for me, but my husband will.

I would go into the word and speak to him about obedience, and defiance and what God thinks of it, reading about Cain, and Able, Abraham, Jonah and the whale...  all the same stuff he learned about Obedience as a child, come into play when it come to disobedience. Tell him that living a life in reverence to God and his parents isn't going to keep him from being cool at all. But, comes with blessings of God for his life... Read him the "If you do this... " passages, and remind him of the passages that say "Then I will".... God speaks back to His children who obey.

Like it or not, preteen is still a child.  Lay down some rules for discussion... such as "The appeal rule"... if you say he cannot.... or give an NO answer to something.  Allow him to appeal to you, and to reason with you... solidly ... never make any discussion a "Because I said so" thing.  Hear his discussion, (Not arguments or disrepect) but sincere discussion on the matter. Let him appeal to see if there is something that can be worked out together.  Once He agrees to anything, hold him to it.  Just as you would an adult. His word will be his bond someday, he may as well learn to use it wisely today.

Give solid boundries that may not be crossed.  Violence is one, lying is another, breaking a promise is one, curfew is another. He must be proven to be trustworthy before given the KEYS to the house. Does that make sense?  Too many parents are guilted into submitting to kids because they haven't go an answer "RIGHT NOW"... don't do that. Tell him honestly, and out right, I will have to seek some wisdom in this situation, I will have to pray about it, I will discuss it with your mom or even someone wise you trust in this area.

Tell him the truth, this is new ground for you, and He is going to have to help by doing the right thing when he knows it, and being obedient to your authority when he may not agree with it. Tell him that GOD charges you to be the parent, and that it is a VERY serious responsibility before the Throne of the LIVING GOD.  You will not be accountable for his sin choices, but you are responsible to teach him those choices, and what is and is not sin. Make it clear, that he is getting to an age where His accountability to you and GOD is bigger and more important.

If he breaks something, make him pay for it. If he tries to verbally abuse you or his mom, send him to His room, tell him he can come out and discuss the matter when he can discuss it respectfully with you.  Let him appeal when its warranted. If he is yelling at you.... NO APPEAL until he calms down and can talk to you.

Be VERY aware at this age of what he is watching, who he is watching it with, who has his ear, and who is doing the talking where he goes... keep in mind, you may like one of his friends, but when you allow him to go to their house, he is a sitting duck for what they believe. And they will talk, and He will hear.  If you have any doubts about his friends or their parents, let him bring them to your house.. make a way for them to have time there, for tv or games and food etc.... make your house "friend" friendly for him.

My kids have TONS of things here... we have all the fund stuff anyone else has.  If they want to have people over, I need only a few hours notice to conjure up food to feed them. 

When they do go to some one's house, my husband calls, and makes sure they understand what TV is OK and movies and even music.  We ask, are you going anywhere... who will be there.  Our child being in their home doesn't make them our child's parent.  They don't go anywhere else or whatever without calling us first. No exceptions.

Talk to him.... but the main reason "Because" is NOT the answer... is that GOD has charged you to be the parent, and you take that seriously.  He set forth rules for child raising and bringing up men of God before him.  HTH.

I have 6 sons...  three raised... one on the launch pad... (senior in highschool)...  and two to go!

[Dooright]

Is he a believer? Does he have friends who attend church and youth group? 

In our home, certain types of disobedience will get you discipline.  Deliberate disobedience will get you spanked. Even at 13. At 17 my husband gave swats to our son who was getting out of line in some areas that are serious.  I don't, as the mom, swatting full grown boys is not for me, but my husband will.

I would go into the word and speak to him about obedience, and defiance and what God thinks of it, reading about Cain, and Able, Abraham, Jonah and the whale...  all the same stuff he learned about Obedience as a child, come into play when it come to disobedience. Tell him that living a life in reverence to God and his parents isn't going to keep him from being cool at all. But, comes with blessings of God for his life... Read him the "If you do this... " passages, and remind him of the passages that say "Then I will".... God speaks back to His children who obey.

Like it or not, preteen is still a child.  Lay down some rules for discussion... such as "The appeal rule"... if you say he cannot.... or give an NO answer to something.  Allow him to appeal to you, and to reason with you... solidly ... never make any discussion a "Because I said so" thing.  Hear his discussion, (Not arguments or disrepect) but sincere discussion on the matter. Let him appeal to see if there is something that can be worked out together.  Once He agrees to anything, hold him to it.  Just as you would an adult. His word will be his bond someday, he may as well learn to use it wisely today.

Give solid boundries that may not be crossed.  Violence is one, lying is another, breaking a promise is one, curfew is another. He must be proven to be trustworthy before given the KEYS to the house. Does that make sense?  Too many parents are guilted into submitting to kids because they haven't go an answer "RIGHT NOW"... don't do that. Tell him honestly, and out right, I will have to seek some wisdom in this situation, I will have to pray about it, I will discuss it with your mom or even someone wise you trust in this area.

Tell him the truth, this is new ground for you, and He is going to have to help by doing the right thing when he knows it, and being obedient to your authority when he may not agree with it. Tell him that GOD charges you to be the parent, and that it is a VERY serious responsibility before the Throne of the LIVING GOD.  You will not be accountable for his sin choices, but you are responsible to teach him those choices, and what is and is not sin. Make it clear, that he is getting to an age where His accountability to you and GOD is bigger and more important.

If he breaks something, make him pay for it. If he tries to verbally abuse you or his mom, send him to His room, tell him he can come out and discuss the matter when he can discuss it respectfully with you.  Let him appeal when its warranted. If he is yelling at you.... NO APPEAL until he calms down and can talk to you.

Be VERY aware at this age of what he is watching, who he is watching it with, who has his ear, and who is doing the talking where he goes... keep in mind, you may like one of his friends, but when you allow him to go to their house, he is a sitting duck for what they believe. And they will talk, and He will hear.  If you have any doubts about his friends or their parents, let him bring them to your house.. make a way for them to have time there, for tv or games and food etc.... make your house "friend" friendly for him.

My kids have TONS of things here... we have all the fund stuff anyone else has.  If they want to have people over, I need only a few hours notice to conjure up food to feed them. 

When they do go to some one's house, my husband calls, and makes sure they understand what TV is OK and movies and even music.  We ask, are you going anywhere... who will be there.  Our child being in their home doesn't make them our child's parent.  They don't go anywhere else or whatever without calling us first. No exceptions.

Talk to him.... but the main reason "Because" is NOT the answer... is that GOD has charged you to be the parent, and you take that seriously.  He set forth rules for child raising and bringing up men of God before him.  HTH.

I have 6 sons...  three raised... one on the launch pad... (senior in highschool)...  and two to go!

Thank you so much for that reminder.  I hate getting into a "state of mind" that I can't think straight.  What my son asked me also scared the day lights out of me.  I had him go get me my Bible and we are going to be talking and reading.

Thank you so much for this.  It really is what I was wanting and needing to hear.

Dooright

[Bon Voyage]

At least you didn't "give him something to cry about," after he started crying.

[janine]

I figure honor fits in there.

You need to honor his dignity as a child of God even when you are sadly, regretfully whacking his butt-ox over some bit of rebellion or other.

[kensington]

Absolutely... when my husband has disciplined our teen boys, it's private.  It's discussed between them, I am not there, the sin is discussed, the punishment, it is given, and it's over. There is no bringing it up later, or dragging it out.  He always keeps his responsibility as a parent in front and explains that "choices" were made that brings the conclusion. 

But, some direct disobedience demands discipline.  It's for their soul. 

[Dooright]

Thank you all.  I agree that when it's in private and the situation is taken care of... it's over.  And, my children do come out of it with much more understanding and commitment to make it better.

Dooright

[Dooright]

I figure honor fits in there.

You need to honor his dignity as a child of God even when you are sadly, regretfully whacking his butt-ox over some bit of rebellion or other.

You are right... thank you. 

[janine]

It also doesn't hurt to remind him that when you mess up -- assuming you are keeping your heart open to God's leading -- when you mess up, you get a whipping, too.  Sometimes you even get a Damascus Road Two-by-Four.

[Dooright]

It also doesn't hurt to remind him that when you mess up -- assuming you are keeping your heart open to God's leading -- when you mess up, you get a whipping, too.  Sometimes you even get a Damascus Road Two-by-Four.

Oh yes, Momma gets the 2x4 quite a bit.  I do admit when I mess up... and I think they enjoy that.

They are all sick, by the way.  Go to prayer requests.

Dooright

[John 1:1]

My x girlfriends son is at that age as well, our relationship lasted for 10 years and I watched her son grow up from the age of 4, so I know what you are saying in his rebellious nature. 

Something I've tried to convey to her on many occassions that most parents miss is consistancy.  Where there is an action, there will be a reaction, there will always will be repercussions to their actions no matter what, regardless of if you are too tired of fighting with him, or if you don't feel like you are getting anywhere.  I remember my own parents form of discliplen, and it was frustrating as a child to experience.  They'd go from being severely strict with brutal punishments to completly ignoring anything I said or did.  Children respect consistancy more then you realize.

At the same time, make sure you reward him for when he does good, many parents forget that element and it gives the child no incentive to do good on their own.  I remember when I used to get a bad report card, I always was punished, it's not that I didn't learn what was taught, I just had no interest in what was being taught and I ignored the daily assignments but managed to get good test scores, so felt it wasn't necessary.  One year I decided to do the daily work, I got all A's and B's, my parents reaction was indifferent at best, I felt it was pointless to bother getting good grades at that point since there was no real reward for my efforts, well, there was one, I wasn't punished for the grades that time.

When you punish them, do so without emotion, for your emotions will get the better of you and as shown with your reaction on grabbing his shirt, that it's not only counterproductive to the child, it's counterproductive to you as an individual.  Remember, you are the adult, you should not be at the mercy of your emotions, for you should have mastered them and not let them take control over your actions, the child still has to learn that and many of them are simply trying to test the boundries to see how much they can get away with.  With my x girlfriends son, he used to play her like a fiddle, knowing full well if he acted up, she would react on his terms in the manner he wanted her to and that he was in charge at that point.

I hope this helps, I know, I have no children of my own, but I do have some insight here.

[kensington]

When you punish them, do so without emotion,

NO... when you punish your children, ALWAYS be true and honest, even with your emotions. I would never hide my true emotions from my children. If I am praising them, I do so excitedly if I am crying for them, I weep openly.

My children's greatest moments of learning lifes lessons and right from wrong is due to the "True emotions" I allowed to flow from myself and God used to reveal to them just how seriously I take being their mother. 

Don't be angry when you punish, pray first, let go of the anger and issue discipline and punishment with reason and purpose. But, never without emotion.  If you want to cry... cry...  when you are angry, say so... forgive and say so too.  But, please don't try to be without emotion or to hide it. Your children will grow up to be fake and hide their true emotions from their spouses and children.

When you are so good at hiding your emotions, people can't tell if something is important to you, then you become a liar.  I have 7 kids and am 1 of 10,  I don't hide my emotions from my kids.  A broken hearted, praying mother can change a life.  If you don't hide it.

[John 1:1]

Don't be angry when you punish, this is what I meant, I still recall many times where mine were angry and took it out during the punishments, those were nightmarish times that still remain quite vivid in my mind.

[Dooright]

I don't get angry at them, usually, knowing that they are children.  I'm a pretty understanding person.  I have a lot of compassion and love to praise the kiddies.  But, not to where their heads are needing a pin prick.

Although, yes, my anger has come out and shown itself.  I am always communication with them and answering their questions to the best of my ability, if they can be answered at that certain time in their life.

I agree that showing no emotion is detrimental to a child.  Always showing them and telling them is very important to my husband and me.

Thank you for all of your advice.  After reading all of this, I asked myself why did I start this thread.  I got an answer... good reminders and wonderful support.  And wonderful support is few and far between.

Dooright 

[John 1:1]

Again, I meant, do not let your emotions take over if your are angry when/if you have to punish them, that's all, please don't think more into it!  I've faced the same with my x g/f's son, and believe me, I doubt most, if anybody here would go to the lengths of self control on this matter.. the chain and cycle if it ever existed does not continue with my on any level, on any count at all even remotely.  I guess this is something that I gotta deal with, like Paul, the thorn in my side to keep me humble......

[kensington]

I was thinking about this last night, and wanted to add it, but wireless internet does not imply FAST internet... I gave up.

But, when God called Abraham to sacrifice Isaac... He did it, it was a process over days to get to the place, to gather the wood, to prepare the altar, and all the while, he and Isaac were together.  They walked it out, there is no way that Abraham did not mourn, or probably had tears all over the place, but he continued to obey God. He went forward to the place and bound Isaac to the altar for God's purpose.

God may never ask us to do this "Physically"..   But, He does ask us daily to walk out what he commands us to raising our kids. And there are days we don't understand what we have to say, But He will fill our mouths. There are days when the strength is not there, and He will lift us up. There are days when it's so hard, but He will provide. 

If you listen to the LORD and obey all that He commands you concerning your kids... He will provide the things you need to raise them up in the "Fear and admonition" of the LORD. It's a Holy Fear... not at all as being afraid of Him or you. But, a reference for knowing who He is and that all creation is in His hands. He is the LIVING GOD... impress that upon your children, day and night.  He will provide. God Bless.