Made My Own Bed?

[gr8ful2Him]

I have been through years of drama with my husband.  Initially I was attracted to him because I was in the entertainment industry and as my road manager he could always seem to pull a rabbit out of a hat and take care of things when matters went haywire.  He was always taking good care of me.  He is 13 years my senior.  At 21 years old I didn't realize it but I was honestly just looking for the dad I never had.  This was the kindest man I'd ever met and he was focused on me.  He fit the bill perfectly.

Eventually we married.  I never took time to look at his paper life -- I was a kid in love and certainly that was all it took, right?  His credit was a mess.  He could not keep a bank account.  Years into the marriage, though he was established in corporate America, he became a crack addict.  I stayed because I know God hates divorce and I'd already had one (I married my highschool sweetheart at 19, divorced at 20).  Also my mother is married to her 3rd husband, my grandmother had 3 and I didn't want to continue the cycle.  Financial options were limited for me as well because I had 4 little children who could not go to school.  I had been out of the work force for years.  My husband had asked me to leave the entertainment industry when my record label no longer wanted him involved so I'd been a housewife for almost a decade.  My ability to support my children as a single woman were next to nil and with child care expenses the way they are, I would have been working some low-level job just to keep them in childcare.  We went through years of this addiction -- times when he'd disappear with the only car we had for days.  Times when he'd pick up his check from work and go on a drug-binge leaving me and the kids home with no food as we were living check to check.  I withstood the humiliation of having a couple of people who knew what was going on bringing food to the house.  I realize it was God being good to us through them, but it was still embarrassing.  I once pawned my wedding ring to buy groceries when he was missing.  Never got it back.  To this day I wear the zircon I replaced it with.

The addiction went on for several years until we were forced to relocate (he had burned too many work-related and family bridges).  He broke the drug addiction and moved on to gambling (we were living in Vegas).  Similar situation with blowing hundreds of $$ at a time but he had moved up the corporate ladder and it was not hurling us into deep poverty, just extreme tight spots that I was able to hide from everyone else.  This addiction went on for several more years until we relocated again (this time not because of him but for our children's needs).

About 3 years ago, while we were still in Vegas, I had a feeling something was going on behind my back (besides the gambling that had become more periodic than constant at that time).  I prayed and asked God that if there was something going on in my marriage that I needed to know about, to please reveal it.  My husband was working late that same night as he often does because of the nature of his business.  My cell phone rang at about 1:30 am.  When I answered, I realized after a few seconds that my husband's phone had dialed me but he didn't know it.  He was first having a conversation with a woman which quickly turned into his having sex with her.  I was frozen and shaking on the phone.  It was probably the most traumatic experience I can remember.  Still I stayed.  We didn't go to counseling, I just prayed...a lot.

Currently he does not do drugs, claims he is not being unfaithful, does not gamble but smokes cigarettes when he is not around us.  I guess I should be grateful?

I have written a lot of terrible things about my husband here, but he is still one of the kindest men I have met in terms of his demeanor.  His constantly asks questions like, "what can I do for you?  How can I help make your day better?"  I usually don't come up with much but if there is anything, he is willing to cheerfully oblidge.  When I have needed help with the children (transporting here and there) he has left work to assist.  If I am sick he is there attending.  If I am overwhelmed with things at home he will help.  He's one of those guys with the best intentions.

At this point, however, I am 41 years old married for 18 years as of this weekend.  I am no longer a kid looking for a dad.  I am very much a grown woman who knows how to maneuver life and who is just so weary.  My 54 year old husband is now a smoker who doesn't eat very well either so I am just imagining my years ending with taking care of a sick man who has dragged me through one drama after another!  Also, after hearing him having sex with another woman, I don't think I'm still angry about it, but I can't get past it.  If he makes a certain noise when we have sex (which is rare -- the sex, not the noise) I have a flashback.  I have had sex with him while quietly crying about it.  The phone call comes to me arbitrarily.  I was driving home just yesterday and it played back in my head and brought tears.  It is not often enough to drive me insane (the 1st 2 weeks after, I was a wreck) but it is often enough to make me distrustful.  I never believe he's where he says he is and since it's been years, that gets to him.  He eventually concedes that I have the right to be distrustful, but expresses a deep desire that one day I will realize he is committed to being faithful.  I honestly think that unless God supernaturally puts a balm on that memory I will never trust him.

I just have nothing for him now.  We can have conversations and laugh together but I am not attracted to him as a man since I fee like what I was attracted to in the first place doesn't really exist (stability -- not just financial, because I had my own money initially, but stability in life, responsibility).  He never was physically the kind of man I am attracted to so that's not a draw.  He doesn't take care of me much at all now.  I work 3 jobs (all self-employed -- I finally figured out how to use my gifts in the arts to make $ outside of entertaining on stage) without which we couldn't cover the basics sometimes and I still try to be the traditional wife and mother.  I am somewhat bitter that because of his own pride he asked me to leave a career that I'd trained practically all my life for and had attained and then couldn't provide the financial stability I was providing for myself.  Now my credit is wrecked too and I'm hiding money to take care of the family because he is so irresponsible with money when he knows what we have.  To boot, he says he doesn't even remember giving me the ultimatum to leave my record label!  I have asked him over the years to ask the pastor he said it in front of but he has never done it and now we are out of touch with that pastor.  All of this makes him so unattractive to me.

The biggest problem is, my husband is very much attracted to me.  It makes me sad for him that I cannot genuinely return his affections.  At the same time it makes me sick to my stomach and just about brings me to tears when he touches me -- even as simple as a hug.  I have prayed to God that He would give me what I need for my husband but I am not feeling a change.  It has happened over the years that I have gone in and out of feelings of attraction and the love emotion for my husband.  I believe it has been God when I have felt any attraction for my husband (and I have had to pray for it for many years) because I cannot think of any other reason I'd be attracted to him after all we have been through.  It has been a long time now though since I have felt any passion for him.  I feel so guilty that he is spending his days not able to be adored by a wife who appreciates what he does have to offer.  But I am feeling more and more pressure to be intimate with a man who for many reasons absolutely repulses me.  I just don't know what to do.  For many many years I have existed feeling I made a bed I must lie in since I made my choice of a mate in an irresponsible and needy way rather than relying on God (I didn't commit my life until a couple of years after we were together).  I have just been going through the motions waiting for God to fill me with the right desires.

I'm sorry this is so long but I have not been able to share my thoughts with anyone -- I would never want to embarrass my husband with people he would come into contact with knowing his personal business.  This is years poured out into one posting.  Please forgive.  Any insight is welcomed.

[Petals]

I read your story, start to finish, and can feel the sadness through your words.   
It sounds like you are totally drained and burned out with having to deal with your husband's transgressions. 
Is there any way your husband would agree to go to a marriage workshop or seminar with you?  I've heard that dying love can often be rekindled there.  It's worth a shot, don't you think?  You've got a lot of time and energy invested in your marriage and it would be a shame to end it without doing all you can to try and make it work.   

I'm praying that God guides you in what you are to do.  And...feel free to share your feelings with us here on the forum any time you feel the need for emotional release.  There are a lot of us who do care and try to help when we can. 

[kensington]

I read this and started to reply, and then didn't. I did not want to give you anything amiss...  I was going to say this.. You could separate, but the chances are your husband would go farther down the hole to Hell. As Christian spouses, we have to realize while we are not to be abused, our lives are not about us.  We are here to fulfill the will of God, to Glorify the LORD.  In what way will your decision Glorify the LORD? Will your choice show people that repentance of sins and the LORD is the only Salvation?  Will what you do draw someone to Him? To shine who He is to them? 

I can't tell you what to do, I have never not loved my husband. So, I have not walked in your shoes... but I have been broken before the LORD, empty, with no excuses and no place to go.  And that is where He found me.  I can't say you are in sin, because you know what you feel. But, I would say to you, be WILLING to be broken and to go back, and be broken again and again before the LORD, until you are sure you have emptied yourself before Him. That you have humbled yourself before HIM, and that you are willing to be what He has called you to be.

Other than that...  I have nothing. Nothing.  I am empty.  I will pray for you. 

Father, show yourself mighty to this sister in her distress, as she cries out to you for help, see her, cover her, and help her to her place of brokeness where you can heal her. Your word says you are close to the broken hearted, and that you inhabit the praises of your people, let her heart be broken before you, and let her sing and speak praises to you. You are the Holy One of Israel, you died for Her, you Love her, and only you can complete her here and in eternity. amen.

[gr8ful2Him]

Thank you for your replies, Petals and kensington.  Petals, yes, we are attending a marriage group from church currently.  I feel a little hypocritical because they look to us for a lot of leadership as we have been married for so many years and they are all young couples.  I give them the answers that I know are true but do not participate much in the sharing except where it relates to my own attitudes.  I do not share anything but my positive thoughts about my husband when we have "girl time" in the group and of course when we are all together as a group.  I think it helps to be around a group of people who are excited about marriage.  I don't know how much it helps, but it is fun while we are there.  We are trying to find time to connect with at least one of the couples there but my husband's work schedule has not permitted yet.  Having moved around so much we do not have any married couple friends at all.  Hopefully connection there will happen soon.

And yes, kensington.  You are right.  It is not about me and my feelings.  It is about glorifying God.  While I think staying with my husband and honoring my vows glorifies God in the sight of others, I am concerned about how I don't glorify God in the sight my husband.  I am constantly rejecting him because I cannot be intimate with him.  I try to keep it as light as possible as though I just don't feel like it.  I just cannot bring myself to do it anymore.  Please do continue to pray for us as the Lord leads.  I know He will provide an answer.

[Imabear]

My story is a bit similar.  I recommend that you both continue to get counseling.  I recommend that you tell your husband how you feel.  Maybe not that you feel repulsed by him... but some of the other stuff.
Keep turning it over to God.  With God's help, forgiveness is possible.  Restoring the relationship is possible.
Act in a loving way, even if it's hard.  If your husband is truly dedicated to you, there is hope. 
It took 10 years for me to completely get past some of the stuff that happened in our relationship.

[Dignity777]

I read this and started to reply, and then didn't. I did not want to give you anything amiss...  I was going to say this.. You could separate, but the chances are your husband would go farther down the hole to Hell. As Christian spouses, we have to realize while we are not to be abused, our lives are not about us.  We are here to fulfill the will of God, to Glorify the LORD.  In what way will your decision Glorify the LORD? Will your choice show people that repentance of sins and the LORD is the only Salvation?  Will what you do draw someone to Him? To shine who He is to them? 

I can't tell you what to do, I have never not loved my husband. So, I have not walked in your shoes... but I have been broken before the LORD, empty, with no excuses and no place to go.  And that is where He found me.  I can't say you are in sin, because you know what you feel. But, I would say to you, be WILLING to be broken and to go back, and be broken again and again before the LORD, until you are sure you have emptied yourself before Him. That you have humbled yourself before HIM, and that you are willing to be what He has called you to be.

Other than that...  I have nothing. Nothing.  I am empty.  I will pray for you. 

Father, show yourself mighty to this sister in her distress, as she cries out to you for help, see her, cover her, and help her to her place of brokeness where you can heal her. Your word says you are close to the broken hearted, and that you inhabit the praises of your people, let her heart be broken before you, and let her sing and speak praises to you. You are the Holy One of Israel, you died for Her, you Love her, and only you can complete her here and in eternity. amen.

I uderstand what you mean by that. Just the other day, my sister in law (who is not a Christian) came over to my house and we were talking. She said that I must be some kind of a saint to put up with my husband. I never realized out of all my "preaching" to her that my greatest testimony was how she saw me handling my marriage. Of course I didn't think that I was all that great (if she could be a fly on the wall)

[kensington]

And yes, kensington.  You are right.  It is not about me and my feelings.  It is about glorifying God.  While I think staying with my husband and honoring my vows glorifies God in the sight of others, I am concerned about how I don't glorify God in the sight my husband.  I am constantly rejecting him because I cannot be intimate with him.  I try to keep it as light as possible as though I just don't feel like it.  I just cannot bring myself to do it anymore.  Please do continue to pray for us as the Lord leads.  I know He will provide an answer.
   

Well, it's the most important as to whether or not you are glorifying God in God's eyes...   As to your husband, the truth is, he is really reaping what he has sown.  The place you have come to before the LORD is a place He brought you both.  He needs to be seeking for God to help you as much as you are seeking for God to help you.  And He needs to be patient and kind to you about it.  You did not bring your marriage to this place alone, and you certainly are not going to be able to take it where it belongs alone.  BOTH of you need to be seeking God, alone and together and in your lives.  He needs to be walking it out, and ministering to you to help you heal. 

Keep the faith.