Pornography

[RinTinTin]

My husband is addicted to pornography and watches it every day, whether we have had sex or not. I have told him how much I hate it and that I cant tolerate it any more. He promised to stop. I took him for his word. A week later I found porn on our computer. I checked the web history and found out that he watched it repeatedly every day and even on the day he made the promise. He didnt even try. I was crushed and I let him know. He told me he hated me because I made him feel like a child that was "busted." I told him I was trying to keep him accountable to his promise. I was very calm, I never once criticized him, and told him I wanted to help him and support him.

He has since changed all the passwords to his computer and his phone.

I feel like there is another woman in our marriage (I have told him this) and I cant take it anymore. Please advise.

[Lively Stone]

According to God, your husband is committing adultery right under your nose. You need to get to your pastor and see if he will either counsel you both, or send you to someone for help to deal with this man.  That is something you do not have to put up with---ever, and you need to insist that he stop, as you have every right, and insist he go to counseling and inform him about getting himself an accountability partner---you don't want to be that for him. he needs a strong male who will hold him accountable. There are websites that will help him stay off those porn sites, also, but he has to want to reject this nasty behaviour.

If he doesn't in my book, God's book is clear about adultery and what He sees is acceptable in dealing with it.

[anx]

Porn is extremely addictive as a man, and male sex drive can very much feel out of control. Quitting for him will be extremely hard and take time and probably relapse. It really changes your brain and takes months to really get over once stopped.

Somehow you need to be on his side and not against him however. Please reconize that this will be hard for him, and he will be very defensive and angry when you confront him about it, which is the same as any addiction. Keep at it and be clear that you are not ok with it and it has to stop. However, getting between him and his addiction is going to be rough for awhile. Hold strong but be ready for failure on his part. Find a way to do it that doesn't feel to him like you are nagging or treating him like a child. That is either going to be very hard or impossible to do all the time.

Is your husband christian? If not, he may not see an issue with porn.

[chosenone]

If you can both agree to put porn blocking programmes on the computer then he wont be able to access it. Also to have the computer in the living room of the house, so that it others will be there and he cant do this in secret..
I think a lot depends on whether a man is repentant and doing all he can to stop, such as the blockers, getting an accountability partner etc. If a man refuses to stop, and wont do anything to bring that about, then sometimes a temporary separation works wonders, and shows him that you mean business. So many women enable their husbands behaviour for years so that they are never accountable.

[RinTinTin]

Yes, he is a Christian and I believe he does know its wrong but I dont think he really cares if its wrong or not. He is still watching porn and lying about it. When I ask him he will confess to maybe doing it once or twice but I jailbroke his ipad and installed a keylogger and I know when he is lying to me. He has accessed porn on the internet 4 times in the past 24 hours. The first time was just a few hours after we had sex and the last time he was right next to me, in our bed, watching porn while I slept. I do not believe he wants to stop, even though he says he does, because he has not removed the internet from his phone, refuses to sell the ipad, and refuses to limit his internet use to common areas in the home.

I do love him but I dont trust him and I dont respect him; all I can think about is getting a divorce. The only thing that has kept me from filing is fear: Fear of what it will do to my 4 children, fear of how we will survive on my VERY meager income, fear of being alone, and fear of hurting his heart.

[chosenone]

Sometimes the only thing that will get a person to stop, is if they think they will loose their family. If you do nothing, you are, in a way, enabling it.
I know that it isn't easy to separate and manage alone(been there done that worn the T shirt), but what else can you do except do something that will bring him to his senses? You may only need to let him know that you are 100% serious, and even ask him to leave for a time, and he will hopefully do something.  A separation for a set period is very different from a divorce and should give him that incentive to stop and get help. If he still refuses to stop or even try when you are separated, then that's his choice and you may have to make some hard decisions.
I am not surprised that you cant trusts him and that you don't respect him, he is doing nothing to earn it is he.

I don't suppose that he would go and see the pastor together?

[RinTinTin]

We attend a very, VERY large church (Life Church) and our pastor is as untouchable as a high paid celebrity. They have campus pastors but they dont even seem available to counsel others. 

[Inspired Divinely]

As a man overcoming pornography and being on the husband side of this topic I feel that it is like a drug or addictive substance that cannot be stopped on ones own will. Any form of regular counseling or attempts to control (like cold turkey) will only cause the addiction to stop temporarily and when the urge does come back it will come back even stronger. On my part, my wife did threaten to leave me and from that point I realized what I was about to lose and I at least attempted to stop on my own. I relapsed many times but as a Christian I asked God for help and He provided ways for me to stay busy instead of looking at porn and provided friendships that kept me responsible for what I was doing. 

On your part I can only advise constant prayer and trust in God that He will change your husband. He is an addict and only Christ can save him now. Seek fellowship with true Godly Christian women with children and pray together as one body in Christ. If you don't have anyone pray for friends. Also pray with your kids on behalf of their dad beacuse God loves the prayers of the innocent. God knows your heart and will provide assistance and guidance. Do not be ashamed of it because you will find comfort and understanding. The devil wants to break up families, especially Christian families and he has yours on lock. Be encouraged and know that you are in my prayers.

[Thankfulldad]

I do love him but I dont trust him and I dont respect him; all I can think about is getting a divorce. The only thing that has kept me from filing is fear: Fear of what it will do to my 4 children, fear of how we will survive on my VERY meager income, fear of being alone, and fear of hurting his heart.

First of all...you do not love him; at least not with the love God has given us through the Holy Ghost (God's Love).

1Corinthians 13:4-8...Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails...

Love will see this thing through...trusting that God has a plan and will heal your husband and bring peace into your life.  You will have to put yourself to the back corner of your heart and allow the Holy Spirit to love your husband through you.  Trust me...he is not living a happy life caught in the addition of porn; it is a lonely guilt ridden dark pit of misery...which seems impossible for him to escape. 

Here is the thing:  Those who trust God....who are intimate with Him; well, there is a calm sanity that invades them.  They sit back in an absolutely ridiculous anticipation of how and what God is going to do, to fix this thing .  They love as God loves...they trust as Jesus trusted God; they know all things work out for those who love and trust in our God Almighty.  They know He is at work through them...they smile at life storms, laugh at satans stupid attempts to destroy...they have the calm sanity of a saint...

You fear because you do not love...

1John 4:18...There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear...

Love overcomes everything...even this dark cloud in your life.  Your husband needs help; LOVE, is where you must start...and God is love.

Trust God first, second...third, fourth....fifth - infinity....................trust no one else.

Our Lord trusted no man...but, He trusted absolutely what God's grace could do for any man.  Trust nothing but the grace of God in yourself first...and then in others. 

I wish you could see yourself and your husband through the heart of God; He knows your heart, He knows your weakness, He knows your hope, He knows your faith, He knows your love......and you know what?  He wants to love your husband through you and show you true peace and joy; my sister...it is all Him.  He is your hope, He is your faith, He is your love...Who will bring life back to you and your husband; He is knocking on the door to your heart...saying, abandon yourself, your anger, your frustration, your fear...and give Me your husband to love through you....love, as God loves you...

[gracey71]

Sorry Thankfulldad, but you are wrong. If she didn't love him, she wouldn't care!  Love doesn't enable sin.

[MeMyself]

Sorry Thankfulldad, but you are wrong. If she didn't love him, she wouldn't care!  Love doesn't enable sin.

I agree! 

[Man_Of_Honor]

Sorry Thankfulldad, but you are wrong. If she didn't love him, she wouldn't care!  Love doesn't enable sin.

True, however, there is no trust and respect. Not healthy traits to maintain in a marriage. Marriage will not last if that is her view towards the husband.

[MeMyself]

The trust has to be earned back...and it is a slow painful process...as much patience as the man needs as he get over this addiction, the wife needs to be extended the same as she gets over the sheer agony of it all.

Porn has robbed them both of so much. 

[Man_Of_Honor]

The trust has to be earned back...and it is a slow painful process...as much patience as the man needs as he get over this addiction, the wife needs to be extended the same as she gets over the sheer agony of it all.

Porn has robbed them both of so much. 

Neither are going to overcome it on their own. They are both in this together.

[MeMyself]

The trust has to be earned back...and it is a slow painful process...as much patience as the man needs as he get over this addiction, the wife needs to be extended the same as she gets over the sheer agony of it all.

Porn has robbed them both of so much. 

Neither are going to overcome it on their own. They are both in this together.

I don't believe I said anything contrary to that...

Just that they BOTH need to be given LOTS of patience as they heal from the ravaging effects of this addiction.

[WILDJC]

Yes, he is a Christian and I believe he does know its wrong but I dont think he really cares if its wrong or not. He is still watching porn and lying about it. When I ask him he will confess to maybe doing it once or twice but I jailbroke his ipad and installed a keylogger and I know when he is lying to me. He has accessed porn on the internet 4 times in the past 24 hours. The first time was just a few hours after we had sex and the last time he was right next to me, in our bed, watching porn while I slept. I do not believe he wants to stop, even though he says he does, because he has not removed the internet from his phone, refuses to sell the ipad, and refuses to limit his internet use to common areas in the home.

I do love him but I dont trust him and I dont respect him; all I can think about is getting a divorce. The only thing that has kept me from filing is fear: Fear of what it will do to my 4 children, fear of how we will survive on my VERY meager income, fear of being alone, and fear of hurting his heart.

Greetings,

Such use of pornography is idol worship. Get rid of the idol and the tools associated with it. Simply put, trash the computer, smart phone, books, magazines and what not. It's difficult to do, but in your case I think it is necessary. Anything in my house that might be offensive to my Lord goes out in the garbage where it belongs. If that means a drastic disruption in my life, then so be it. But the disruption becomes my salvation, because I trust in the Lord.

You CAN do it. You have my prayers.

(If you no longer are active on this forum, then I will know why) God Bless. Amen.......



John

[Man_Of_Honor]

The trust has to be earned back...and it is a slow painful process...as much patience as the man needs as he get over this addiction, the wife needs to be extended the same as she gets over the sheer agony of it all.

Porn has robbed them both of so much. 

Neither are going to overcome it on their own. They are both in this together.

I don't believe I said anything contrary to that...

Just that they BOTH need to be given LOTS of patience as they heal from the ravaging effects of this addiction.

I know. I agree with you.

[MeMyself]

The trust has to be earned back...and it is a slow painful process...as much patience as the man needs as he get over this addiction, the wife needs to be extended the same as she gets over the sheer agony of it all.

Porn has robbed them both of so much. 

Neither are going to overcome it on their own. They are both in this together.

I don't believe I said anything contrary to that...

Just that they BOTH need to be given LOTS of patience as they heal from the ravaging effects of this addiction.

I know. I agree with you.

sorry for not catching that 

[Thankfulldad]

Sorry Thankfulldad, but you are wrong. If she didn't love him, she wouldn't care!  Love doesn't enable sin.

I understand what you are saying gracey71...however, the love I am talking about is pure (God's perfect love); and...well, the only way we can love in this way is to give ourself up to HIM.  I hope you took the time to read the rest of my post......

The world has a totally different view of LOVE then God is; all I have to do is look at myself...there, I see just how patient, kind and full of grace and mercy His love truly is.

Sorry if I came accross harsh......regardless, His love saved me, His love gives hope, His love never fails......my prayer is that His love flows through my heart to everyone...

Also...I hope I never said love enables sin...

RinTinTin...I am redeemed; will need to be your husbands battle cry...your battle cry...the hope you both have is Jesus...

Big Daddy Weave - "Redeemed" (Official Music Video)

Jesus is the only One that can set your husband free...

[Thankfulldad]

If he doesn't in my book, God's book is clear about adultery and what He sees is acceptable in dealing with it.

Lively...I know you mean well by this; however...Jesus did deal with this in the most loving way...

John 8:3-5...The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery.  They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commands us to stone such a woman. Now what do you say"?

Jesus responds....

John 8:7-8...When they kept on questioning him, He straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

If this woman was my wife; I would of already picked up a stone and would of been taking aim.  Now.......Jesus wants me to look at the sin in my life, look at my own heart, my shortcomings, my faults....yes, when the penetrating words of Jesus hits our hearts...we crumble under the sin in our own life.  The rock would of fell from my hand...and, well...I would of walked away shameful from my past.

We all know this story; yet, when we find out about someones sin...we are quick to pick up the stone and condemn.  Instead...Jesus knows the hearts of us all...and the sin that has invaded us.  Jesus wants us to look at ourself...His Spirit searches our hearts and shows us how we miss the mark.

RinTinTin's husband is caught in a sin...one that will destroy not only his family; but, himself as well. 

Jesus knows all to well the sin in our lives; this women at the well......we see in the end, Jesus tells her "Then neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin."

God's love and grace is what saves us...and gives us a new life.  My hope is that this family will be healed by the love God gives us through His Spirit.  This will not be easy...there is no quick fix; but, if she can love her husband through this...the rewards will far out weigh a painful, bitter divorce...

Love....easy to say; impossible to do...without Jesus...

[musicaremywords]

I can go on and go on with my experience and what not. You want change first stop tracking what he is doing, it is taking your focus of and only angering yourself. You already know he watches pornography so why track how many times a day he does. It doesn't benefit you, I do recommend

http://www.opendns.com/

he will get mad once he realizes he can't access those sites. but its a program to download on the computer connects to the router and goes of the wifi and blocks those sites.

My main advice is PRAYER AND FASTING.. get down on your praying knees and pray and ask God for knowledge on this situation. Before you ask him to change your husband ask him to change you and your anger or hurt and to let him speak through you when these times occur. 2 wrongs don't make a right. If he does wrong and you confront and nag you make the situation worse.

A wise woman prays and keeps her mouth shut if it isnt God's words flowing through it.

Prayer changes all this are impossible to us BUT NOT TO GOD, GOD IS THE KING OF KINGS THE ALPHA AND OMEGA.. He can change your husband, attend a church where you can have more one on one with the pastor.

Not trying to down talk on your church but I personally have never liked celebrity type churches because a PASTOR is a Shepard on this earth and each Shepard has to have a closeness with his sheep.

There is a book called The Power of a praying wife by Stormie Omartian I recommend it

i can sit here and console you and tell you what he is doing is wrong and I'm sorry you are hurt etc. I once did all that and it got me no where. We are warriors in God and we tackle situation through God our Lord.

Through God all is possible.

with love,
Music