new and have a question...

[Kyla_and_jesus]

hi, my name is Kyla. i am new and have a question...

firt of all i would like to explain my situation.
i have grown up in a christian home. i love God and wish to obey him.
my father and mother are not "normal" and my entire family has depression isues and my mother is controling and can be emotionaly abusive at times because she has depression and anxiety. my grandfather and one of my brothers drink and my brother has so many problems in his life and is not going to church. the only people in my family that i feel as role models are my grandmother, sister, and sister-in-law. they are all christians and are great women. my other grandpa took his own life as did one of my uncles.
i have been looking into courtship and dating and i have a desire in my heart to marry quickly, i feel that God put that desire in my heart, though at a young age, i am mature and have many responsibilities that adults have. i have 9 nieces and nephews and love children.

i have never been on a date or kissed a guy. i am trying to figure out if i want to be courted or to date. i agree with courtship because there is no "casual" dating that is not to be used to find a spouse, i agree with dating because i dont think that i would like to have my parents "choose" if he can marry me...although i dont WANT to marry with out my parents aproval, but they are prob not going to agree with me no matter what.

so my questions are...
is there some middle ground? if so what? and what are the best ways (besides church) to find a good christian that is not looking for a date but a possible wife.
when do you think a young woman is "old enough" to think about getting married?

thank you for reading and for any comments!

[fanuvmxpx]

I would advise not looking for someone who wants to get married. I would look for someone who wants to get to know you...to see if your personalities match up...to see if there is chemistry...to see if you love and serve God.

If you are only looking for someone who wants to get married, that is not a good foundation for a relationship.

[Kyla_and_jesus]

i dont think i made myself clear...i dont want to date or see any1 just for fun...i want to because i want to look for my husband. i am not looking to get married right now, this min...i just want to get there withough going through 20-30 guys.

sorry if i seem blunt i just want to expain.

[yesult]

I think the core of the issue is trusting God. If you ask him for a good husband, and are prepared to wait until God brings that man into your life and gives you a real peace that he's the right one, then you can't go wrong.

But it is a trust and choice thing (and i think most single christians face this issue at some time or other.)

[rppearso]

Wow really, maybe she should just wait until he knocks on her door out of the blue (laying the sarcasm on thick lol).  It would not hurt to find dating sites and look for a guy on there, also if you have to go through 20 guys before you find the one so be it, finding a mate is just like anything else like finding a job you may have to go through a few jobs to get the one you like or will you sit in your house and pray and hope lockheed martin calls you out of the blue for a job interview.  Advice like yesult's is why christians suffer, not because of persecution but because of idiocy.  God will not answer your prayers unless you are activly engaged in your pursit of your goal.

I would try craigslist, I had super good luck on craigslist.  Like I said you may have to send out 40-50 emails go on several dates, you may even get used, thats life, even getting used is better than inactivity.  Just do something lol.

I think the core of the issue is trusting God. If you ask him for a good husband, and are prepared to wait until God brings that man into your life and gives you a real peace that he's the right one, then you can't go wrong.

But it is a trust and choice thing (and i think most single christians face this issue at some time or other.)

[chosenone]

How old are you?

[Kyla_and_jesus]

im a young adult.

thank you for the advice...i will have to try craigslist, i hadnt heard of doing that before...for a date anyways 

i also saw some dating sites for christians, has any one used them? which ones are free?

thanks!
GOD BLESS!

[Becki]

im a young adult.

thank you for the advice...i will have to try craigslist, i hadnt heard of doing that before...for a date anyways 

i also saw some dating sites for christians, has any one used them? which ones are free?

thanks!
GOD BLESS!

My advice is that you should be very careful with any on-line searches for a companion, especially craigslist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craigslist_Killer

If you are going to try on-line dating, I would definitely stick with the Christian sites or eHarmony, which has a more strict screening process for possible candidates.

http://www.eharmony.com/

Be safe. 

[rppearso]

Eh christian dating sites were kinda flakey (ie, they were often pay sites and had low membership) of course that was a few years ago so they may be alot better now but they are probably still pay sites.  Craigslist is free and you dont have to be any more careful on craigslist than you do anywhere else, its the internet you should always be careful lol, but not so careful that it drives you to inactivity.

im a young adult.

thank you for the advice...i will have to try craigslist, i hadnt heard of doing that before...for a date anyways 

i also saw some dating sites for christians, has any one used them? which ones are free?

thanks!
GOD BLESS!

[Kyla_and_jesus]

oh I don't post anything until I think about if it safe or not. thank you for your posts, I have heard great things about the Christian sited but that they do have a smaller membership rate. after thinking it over I will try that before craigslist.

I work in the restaurant business so I don't usually have the option of finding some one at work. the offers never end but this place also has a bar so they are usually not...ummm...thinking clearly ;) lol

[Kyla_and_jesus]

or they are too old...as in 5 + yrs. i look alot older than i am so i understand there interest, BUT even when i tell them my age it still doesnt seem like a problem to them.
most i am sure see me sexualy "easy" because i am younger then they are.

[chosenone]

Dont go on a non Christian dating site. Non Christians have very different priorities and standards than we do and also God tells us not be uneaqually yoked with unbelievers.This is especially true if you are really looking for a marriage partner. Remember that guys of your age (which I am guessing is late teens or early 20's) arent usually thinking about mariage.Dont be in a rush and take your time.You say you are a Christian so why would you want to meet someone who isnt?

I met hubby on a Christian site in the UK, and my son also met his lovely Christian girlfriend on a different one here.I think there are quite a few in the USA to choose from.

Do you go to a good lively church with lots of young people? Are you involved with things there? That maybe the place to meet a good Christian guy rather than going on a  dating site at this point.

  I am rather concerned that your strong desire to marry quickly at such a young age is maybe becuase of your issues at home and maybe you wanting to get away.Dont rush into anything or you maybe be like one of the many people that come onto forums such as this after having been only married a year or two and are deeply regretting it as they married too quickly and didnt really know the person.

[chosenone]

or they are too old...as in 5 + yrs. i look alot older than i am so i understand there interest, BUT even when i tell them my age it still doesnt seem like a problem to them.
most i am sure see me sexualy "easy" because i am younger then they are.

all the more reason to only go out with a Christisn guy who has high moral standards and isnt just after sex. Dont go there. Most non Christians these days see it as normal to have sex after a couple of dates, is that what you want? Find one who you can trust and respect who wants to wait till marriage as God tells us to do.

[Kyla_and_jesus]

thanks for all the posts
i will not have sex untill i am married. and will not date a non Christian.

i think that God has set it in me to get married sooner rather than later but i may also, on some level, want a more stable relationship with some one i can be close too.

i agree with not running into anything without God or with some one i dont fully know.
again thank you so much for the posts! it is nice to see some christians with the same views.

[kayakguy]

I recommend a book called "Date.. or Soulmate?" by Neil Clark Warren

[Fem2009]

Kyla,
As a woman in her late twenties, I would recommend that you only seek your husband at church or christian events. Do not trust the internet for dating. If someone in a random thread catches your eye-fine-but donot go on personals sites. CRAIGSLIST is a cesspool of prostitutes and pedophiles. Please trust me on this one Kyla. There are many books which can teach you what the dating world is really about.
I understand that you are seeking marriage, however, it's going to involve being friends first and perhaps not liking your first "choice." Make FRIENDS with a few guys so you can learn which personality is your fave. By all means donot give in to their or your sexual impulses. It only leads to heartache. Building a healthy friendship and learning what you want in a man comes first. If you give yourself sexually your decision making will end up masked by those feelings of love-which really are just lust, not love. Therefore, personal sites will not be a good choice for a young christian lady seeking a man of substance who isn't just looking for his next lay. Be careful of men on christian sites who are hunting virgins. This is why it is not wise to answer questions about your virginity. any man who asks that question first has THAT first on his list-this is not a man who wants a christian wife to love and grow with.  This may possibly be one of the "fake christians" who believe in keeping a slave and twists God's words to brain wash women. This world is full of liars and sin. Many people use the information you share with them to put on a mask and fool you into thinking they are at your level. I would ask alot of questions and be careful not to share too much too soon, talk about the bible, talk about their goals, ask questions such as "what type of woman are you seeking" "do you ever look at porn" these questions may help you see into their mind unless they are hiding. Eventually, the truth always comes out. This is why it's necessary to take it very slow, so as not to regret moving in haste and getting burned. Sorry to sound pessimistic. You seem like a lovely young lady and I hope I have helped you to protect your heart. Otherwise, always remember that lessons are important in life. So mistakes are ok. But don't say that no one ever told you that you should not give in to a mans sexual need before he commits to you through marriage. Many men are not willing to do that these days. WHY BUY THE COW WHEN THE MILK IS FREE?? Don't be one of those easy girls who go through life in bitterness and insecurities due to a lack of self worth. I aslo hope that you won't be naive enough to become anyone's slave. LEARN about men by reading and alking to friends and loved ones. Maybe it's a sign of how intelligent you really are by coming to this site first before fallling into the trap of online dating. Get a college degree and be someone of worth-who can support herself, if need be. Because nothing in life is guaranteed, you don't want to be dependant on anyne or anything to live a happy, content life.
I know if you trust in God and stay true to yourself by

reading the bible and self help books
attending church and surrounding yourself with christians like yourself
remaining a virgin with out telling men until you've decided that he is a true christian and has known you long enough  
serving God first and not a man
building healthy friendships with true christians who won't mislead you etc

you will find what you are seeking.
So focus on exactly what you want and build yourself. Then you'll find a man who will genuinely be worthy of you .

[Fem2009]

or they are too old...as in 5 + yrs. i look alot older than i am so i understand there interest, BUT even when i tell them my age it still doesnt seem like a problem to them.
most i am sure see me sexualy "easy" because i am younger then they are.

Your right on point. I'm sure not a %100 of them think you are easy. But many men prey on younger woman. It's the dominance thing. You don't have enough experience. No matter how much you tell yourself that you are logical and smart, there will always be someone who knows the art of manipulation. As love interests, stick to christians who you have known for at least a few months as a FRIEND. Let them take the time to show you who they are. Watch them closely. The worst thing is to fall in love with a non believer, you will be lead astray before you even notice. Think of your relatives who do not serve God. Are they in a good place?

[yesult]

Wow really, maybe she should just wait until he knocks on her door out of the blue (laying the sarcasm on thick lol).  It would not hurt to find dating sites and look for a guy on there, also if you have to go through 20 guys before you find the one so be it, finding a mate is just like anything else like finding a job you may have to go through a few jobs to get the one you like or will you sit in your house and pray and hope lockheed martin calls you out of the blue for a job interview.  Advice like yesult's is why christians suffer, not because of persecution but because of idiocy.  God will not answer your prayers unless you are activly engaged in your pursit of your goal.

Maybe the God who you chose to ignore rppearso. Because you choose to ignore him. Suprise, suprise.
You have to obey God to have his help. And when you choose not to - of course you're not going to be able to trust him to bring you the right person.